Song of the day: Loneliest By: Incubus

Song of the day: All At Once By: The Fray

While I had Covid last I started rewatching Sex and The City. There’s one episode that someone says “The best way to get a date is to have another date”. I find this incredibly true and much more true lately. I’m either hibernating in my home and have zero prospects or I’m out and have seven. It’s weird. It’s nothing at all or All At Once… (hence the song).

There’s one guy that I met through work. He’s super sweet and we both have this great appreciation of amazing music that we share all the time. I have no idea what he looks like and kind of don’t want to. I feel like we have a great connection and its’ weird when you see someone that connection could change. We’re not going to date or anything. We’re in two different states and I’m not moving. He’s genuinely a friend and, I think, a good one.

There’s another guy who I also met through work. We would have these amazing conversations and there was some hot chemistry, like really hot. I think he’s very attractive and our conversations were great. However, he’s not single and luckily he lives several hours away so I would just steer clear as much as I could. But a few weeks ago things got a little weird between us. Well, on his end and we haven’t spoken since. It was almost like we got into a fight and broke up. Super weird. I thought to myself that this needed to end like that because we were probably flirting with danger anyway and I would not cross that line.

Here enters guy #3… This guy and I have had some FWB energy in the past and attempted to meet up several times and finally just did. Had a nice weekend. It was what I needed. I have no idea when we’ll see each other again and I’m good. I’ve said before that sometimes I just need a man to lay on top of me and I’ll be ok.

There was no romance which is fine but one thing that it did lack was passion. I miss passion. You know that passion like you can’t keep your hands off each other and the guy grabs the girls face and just kisses like it’s their last day on earth… That passion. I miss that.

The last time I felt passion was with the last man I had feelings for. I haven’t seen this man in what feels like forever, probably never will again and randomly message each other maybe once a year. Here’s the other thing that sucks… Each encounter that I have with a man makes me miss his dumb ass even more which is awful. Here’s the part where I tell myself that I am a strong independent woman and that I know in my head and my heart that I always deserved better than what he gave but it doesn’t take away the fucking missing him part. I want to punch myself in my own chest when I say that… trust me.

So with all these encounters, and those mentioned are just the ones of importance right now, I secretly make little notes inside my head like, “If I could have the passion from G and the chemistry from A and G with a bit of the…. ” You know, all the good stuff from each and I’m putting it all into a mental blender and am concocting MY perfect man. Remember I said MY perfect man and not THE perfect man. But then I remember that I’m not Frankenstein no matter how close we are to Halloween and then go about my day with these weird day dream glimpses of different men and situations.

No matter how many day dreams I seem to have though everything takes me back to the one guy. That ONE guy!!!!! I release him over and over again. I stopped going onto social media because I didn’t want to see anything to do with him. But then I’ll see his nickname somewhere and he doesn’t have a normal nickname, or someone will mention him because we do have a lot of the same friends and I’ll be forced to smile through a story about a man that I want to forget. I had even told myself that I wasn’t going to drive to the beach because he lives that way and because it reminded me too much of some really fun times. Then I decided that I wasn’t going to let him or his memory ruin the beach which is my happy place.

How the hell else are you supposed to get over someone. Especially someone that you never technically “dated”. You were FWB’s for a short amount of time. You don’t go on social media. You don’t stalk him. You don’t talk to him. You don’t see him. You know in your own head that he never loved you even though he said it first and again. You also know that he doesn’t even really consider you a friend because you just don’t treat friends like that. And the time… it’s been long enough to where none of it or him should matter anymore. So why does it to me?

There have been plenty of men in the five and half years of knowing him that have not only professed their love for me but shown me the things that I need and want but I’m so frustrated that he can’t stay out of my dreams. I even went as far as watching weird shit to fall asleep to hoping to manifest different dreams but that did work.

Anyway…. blah blah blah. I know I sound like a broken record and I really try not to. Enjoy today’s song as I have a nice dinner planned with a friend and then it’s home for a nice bubble bath. Talk to you all soon… maybe 🙂 xxx

Song of the day: Believe By: Mumford & Sons

Do you have those people in your life that you just know what they’ll do. You know their “next” action. For instance, I have a friend that as soon as he breaks up with his girlfriend I, all of a sudden, hear from him. Next, another friend, who if I don’t react to him on social media he deletes me then months later if he needs something he’ll add me back. Both those things used to bother me but I am attempting to stay in my “zen” zone and not care. Point is people have their “things” and when those things are so predictable it’s annoying maybe they should come up with other things that aren’t.

I’ve tired of not being happily surprised lately. I’ve said that before. There’s not much that makes me happy but lately that seems to not be the people that I know in anyway. I have put myself into a rut. I work so much which I’m ok with. Go out and see the same bands with the same music even though I love every minute of it. Go with the same people out to dinner. Spend hours on the phone with the same people which I love. But there’s no happy surprises to my days.

I’ve not been dating at all and mostly because I’m so done with the same men over and over again. Again, nothing new there. I did meet one guy through work but he lives in another state but our music tastes are so similar and we spend hours texting back and forth about different music. That’s fun but there’s no other interest.

I know that it’s no one’s job to entertain me or to surprise me but it would be nice. I miss those men that would actually go out of their way to do something that’s so nice which is in-turn sexy. What’s even worse is why is it the guys that have actually treated people like crap that I end up missing the most? What’s even weirder is that it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other and had a meaningful conversation that I can’t even tell if I’ve fallen out of love with him or I’m just numb. Since we’ll most likely never run into each other again or hang out I guess it doesn’t even matter. But the dreams about him lately and the synchronicity are almost unbearable. This last dream last night even had his kids in it. I’m not sure what the universe is actually attempting to tell me but it needs to be a lot more clear for me to do anything about it.

There’s other stuff going on but I am checking out for the day but wanted to post some music. Have a great weekend… xxx

Song of the day: Wish You The Best By: Lewis Capaldi

This song… This song is one I’ve been waiting for. It’s so beautiful and sad but also an homage to the last goodbye, the closure that women think we need.

This post will probably be all over the place so I warn you now.

About a year ago I’d gone to meet a work colleague at a bar that my friends band was playing at. I’ve told that story where he ended up being creepy and the drummer in the band helped me out and then he and I became closer friends. Well during their last break of the evening we were all sitting around talking and someone had mentioned that they thought maybe this would have been a “love connection” for me and a story to tell the kids when we were older if the work colleague had worked out. I’d replied with, “No one meets their soul mate or the love of their life at a bar.” To which they all replied with the stories of how they all met their wives and yes, you guessed it, they’d all met their wives at bars. Ok great… so all these friends who are musicians have confirmed that yes you can meet your soul mate in a bar. Except that I still haven’t right?!?

So then about two weeks ago I decide to go out with my friend again to a local dive bar and see that same band. This is the same friend who professed his love for me months ago which I’ve just kind of ignored and moved passed it. I like hanging out with him. He’s fun after the right amount of drinks. The problem is that after the “right” amount of drinks he quickly moves to sad and depressed and I was hoping that that wouldn’t happen but it did.

Most of the evening he’d been texting with his best guy friend and his friend decided to show up half way through the show. Somehow I get put in between the two and all I want to do it dodge the cigarette smoke and listen to music but his friend keeps talking to me and showing me pictures of his kids and his dogs and I’m being nice but also trying to listen to the music too. After a couple drinks he decides to leave the bar and bid us a farewell which I was ok with.

Now my friend has had way too much to drink and I’m still just trying to enjoy my evening when about 30 minutes after his friend has left he tells me, “My friend is totally in love with you”. First, if anything, his friend is in lust because he doesn’t know me and was talking about himself the entire time. Second, uh, awesome. It’s always nice to hear nice things but I’m not looking for that. I’m not looking for him or his friend. There is no spark.

I realized that my friend was way past the fun point of drinking so I told him I was tired and I wanted to leave before closing time so we waited for the bands last break. I said my goodbyes and we left. I went to drop him off and he was pressing the issue about his friend. I was trying to be nice but firm. “I’m not interested. I’m sure he’s a super nice guy but he’s not my type. I’m sorry.”. To which he replied with, “You could do a lot worse.” This was a true statement I’m sure because I probably have done worse. Rude, asshole pricks that have nothing nice to say and just want one thing… Been there, done that. Married guys who enjoy talking to me for hours and want me to give them the “girlfriend experience”… Been there, done that. Single guys that want to shower me with money just so they can attempt to “own me”. Done that. Single guys that are wanting to basically get married within a few months instead of date… Done that.

I swear I feel like Goldilocks. There is no perfect man and I understand that but is it so hard to think that there’s men that are sweet, sarcastic, loving, playful, great in bed but that cuddle too. Yes, I have this image in my head for what I’m looking for and I think I’ve just made him up and he doesn’t truly exist at this point. But the more and more that I become uninterested in dating the more men pop up saying, “Oh oh pick me, pick me”. This isn’t a game and I’ve always hated games. I need honesty and I will be honest with them. I probably spend my days flirting with men for work or for fun but I think the more I flirt with them the more I know I will never sleep with them. The one’s I’m awkward with and the one’s I seem like I have no interest in are the potentials.

Like I’ve said before I’ve given up on love. I believe it exists but maybe just not for me. I’m not even sure that part even makes me sad anymore. I still know that there are good men out there, really good men but they all go into different boxes now. These boxes are, “Really good friends”, “Potentials”, “FWB’s” but mostly they just stay in those boxes and I keep them away. It’s more important to have meaningful conversations now than anything else. I realize that I have probably been way too loyal to the ones that don’t deserve it than the ones who do. So that will change.

I think I’d said something a while ago on here that was about seeing the guy I had feelings for show me his true self. That would make things easier for me to let go. Well, the other day he did. He showed me that we are not real friends. We have never been real friends. He’s just somebody that I used to know. He’s not that nice and he has no interest in anything other than what he wants at a certain time. I’m grateful for that because that’s the moment I realized that it wouldn’t be anything more than it was and I was building a story that was never going to happen with an outcome that would never happen with a man who I believe was different in my heart than who my head really knew him to be. The past is over. Who I wished he was is gone and I realized he never broken my heart. He broke my expectations and expectations are no one’s fault but my own. Thankful for the lesson and it’s a clean break now.

A couple days ago this group of friends that I have are opening up a bunch of new bars around the city and they’ve asked me to help them. I love that stuff but one of the things they’d asked me is if I’d help them book bands because I watch so many. I’m still thinking if I want to help with that part. That’s too many musicians I’d be in contact with and we all know that I have a type. I’ll probably end up giving them some names of some of my friends that I have great relationships with and letting them figure it out because I’m not trying to get into something that I shouldn’t be. So I’ll give the opportunities to the sweet friends and the rest can fuck off. I’m done going above and beyond for the ones that wouldn’t appreciate it. That was one of those random thoughts since one of them just texted me.

But that brings me to the work front. I’ve been so busy with work lately that I don’t have much time to think about the men which I’m sure isn’t health but work is fun. I love what I do. I basically get to work whenever I want which is a lot but in the past few months I’ve done everything from creating websites, advertising, handling accounting and meeting all these new and awesome people. I have met some really amazing and influential people and it gets me out of my head and learning new things and having new projects. It’s been work, more work, working out and having fun. That’s where I’m at right now and I’m loving it.

That’s my few weeks in a nutshell with my obvious bad grammar. I’m still having those strange dreams but now they’re all different with different people in them. It’s like dreaming a new TV show each night. It’s kind of fun now. I hope you are all well. xxx

Song of the day: Heart By: Sleeping At Last

I’m going to tell you all a secret that only two other people know and only because they couldn’t not know. I have this whole week off. Also, I have done absolutely nothing productive. I’ve spent my time cleaning, reading and watching movies that have stacked up on my watchlist.

This has been a very strange holiday. I may write more about why later but one thing that happened was a happy surprise. I heard from someone that I didn’t think I would. But I told myself that this is just like all the other times and won’t start spinning out having girl brain. I don’t have an expectations except that I won’t have any expectations.

It was a happy surprise though and for that I am grateful. However, I am keeping my priorities in check by cleaning and purging before the New Year. I’ve also been educating myself on a lot of things that I just want to be knowledgeable about. More holistic stuff, more natural stuff and more reading/watching things that make my stagnant brain not seem so stagnant.

I know what some of you are thinking… “Oh no, not again”. Well, I guess this is the third time and it’s either a charm or it’s tree strikes and you’re out. This also makes me think of this quote that the universe doesn’t bring someone into your life if you weren’t supposed to love them. Loving him has never been the hard part. That parts easy and has always been.

My friend and I were talking about New Years and he’d said that if I didn’t have anyone to kiss then we should get together and just spend an hour into the new year making out. This actually sounded appealing but he’s just a friend and it one like that but it did get us into this deep conversation about sex, yet again. I explained to him that it was never that sex that was more appealing than the kissing for me but also the music.

I might not remember every encounter that I’ve had in it’s entirety but I remember every song that was playing and every album. Is that weird? I mean if you can’t come up with some good music to play while you’re getting it on then you’re just not doing it right. The best part is you can create a moment for 20 minutes, 2 hours or 12 hours that’s just the way you want to feel. It doesn’t have to mean a thing once that moment it over but in that moment you create your reality. It’s a nice thought.

You all have no idea how nice this week has been to not be stuck at a computer for hours. It’s been years since I’ve actually taken a nice vacation. Maybe one day soon I’ll actually travel on my break but these last few days will just be more of this relaxation. Again, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for happy surprises and finally I am grateful for long music filled make out sessions. Hope you all have an amazing New Years… and I guess I’ll talk to you all after. XXX

Song of the day: Heaven By: Majical Cloudz

I had this really amazing experience yesterday. I met this guy, out of the blue, that I had the most amazing conversation with. It’s so rare these days to meet people that actually have thought provoking questions and don’t just use “filler” for conversation. I think I’ve been craving intellectual conversation.

We sat for a while and chatted and at one point he asked me this question, “If you and the last person you are/were in love with were actually protagonists in a movie how would you feel about watching it? How would you feel about them.” I made a face. He said, “I guess I know the answer because of the face you made.” I said, “No, that face was about how introspective that question was. I need time to think of the actual answer.” I was absolutely impressed by his question.

Now, 24 hours later, I’m thinking about the conversation but more importantly, the question. For some reason I felt like I had to look at it like I had died and was looking at myself from above. I was watching our interactions and here’s the interesting part of it all… I didn’t hate it. You all know I’m not really one for chick-flicks BUT I pictured this whole lifetime in a movie.

Both of our pasts were these trauma filled dramas, but then the movie flies by through all our teens and twenty-somethings with humor and mistakes and mild love with a few heartbreaks in between but when it gets really spicy is the night we meet. From that point on for four years up till now it becomes hectic and sad and funny and hurtful and cinematic.

After I was thinking about it I started spiraling down… My mind went to “How would he describe it? Will I ever get another chance to ask him? Is this where the movies ends? Am I even a protagonist in his movie? Did I even make it off the cutting room floor?

So, I liked the question as long as you don’t think too hard about it. If you don’t have your happy ending it might make you spiral. At that point I decided to do two things. One was to write about it here, in anonymity and two was to ask a higher power, my guides and my angels for a sign.

What sign am I looking for? That this is just our intermission, I guess. I want us to have a happy ending. This is really the only “relationship” where I can see further out from it than today. That I actually want a future, whatever that looks like. But in the same breath I also need the sign to prove that this is the end of the movie too, if it is. I need that sign because moving on sucks. I’ve literally been trying to move on for the entirety of the four years we’ve known each other. But if this is the finale it’s imperative that I know that now. That I try to make one of these background relationships actually work. I need to know that the chemistry that we had was just that and it finally fizzled out of existence.

People say that time is just a silly construct. People talk about the right time. Truth is though, this “time” is now and that’s all that matters. I’ve placed myself on the bench for so long out of the idea that I didn’t want to cheat on this man that I felt was a piece of me somehow. No one else placed me here. I could have been playing this entire time. Actually I tried playing but it just hasn’t worked out, with him or with anyone. I find it exhausting to attempt to find a connection somewhere else. I like “our” connection because that’s the part that wasn’t work.

Then, last night I had another dream with him in it. He was talking about how we’re friends and for the first time I said what I actually felt about that. I said, “Yes, I am YOUR friend. If you were to call me at 4 in the morning and needed help I’d be there. If you needed a shoulder, a ride or money, I’d be there. The reverse is not and has never been true. Deep in my gut I know that’s not what I deserve. I deserve the best.

I deserve a guy who opens doors and asks me how my day was, waiting for the actual answer. I deserve someone who thinks about me more than a fleeting moment. I deserve a guy who follows through with things he’s said and promised. I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me question my sanity past midnight on a Saturday after a nice dinner with friends. Someone who doesn’t play games and is honest and truthful and doesn’t leave the most heart felt texts I’ve ever sent blank with a reply.

I know all this and I’m smarter than this. If I actually told my friends my version of the events they’d all think I was an idiot and honestly, they’d all be right. Yet another reason why I probably don’t tell them anything.

That was another thing the guy I met yesterday asked me. He asked me when the last time I truly confided in someone. I don’t actually remember. I know I talk to one of my girl friends about love and relationships but he doesn’t come up. How do I explain that I’m hopelessly in love with a guy that treats me like a Christmas present he got years ago and when he’s bored or lonely, he plays with me. You know why I don’t have conversations about him… I’ve already said, because it would make me feel like a total fucking idiot.

I know my worth. I have spent the majority of my life never settling for mediocre. I’ve never wasted the time of a man that was in love with me knowing that I wasn’t in love with him. I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone and those that I have accidentally, I’ve atoned for. I’ve spent years healing things in me that caused trauma that weren’t even broken by me. I’m an amazing friend, girlfriend and person…

Why am I taking inventory? Because every once in a while I need to be reminded of all of this myself. I’ve had a lot of “off days” lately where I wasn’t sure about anything and especially my place in this life. I’ve been feeling like a supporting character and not the main character in MY OWN LIFE for a while now. I keep saying, “It’s time to be selfish for a while” and that lasts for a day or two and then I’m back to putting everyone else first instead of me. But I don’t actually know or remember what it’s like to let someone one take care of me or for someone else to put me first.

I’m at a very strange place in life right now. It feels like purgatory and I’ve been spun around so many times I don’t remember which way is out. I am working on myself, every single day but one of those things that I forget that makes me feel better is this. Venting to you all here.

It’s so strange right now in my home. It’s quiet. There’s no music or TV on. I can hear the faint hum of a bug zapper and the clacking of my nails on this keyboard but it’s calming quiet. I can feel the energy and the power of the full moon. It’s past 1 am and I’m not sleepy yet but I know that I’ll be up before 8 in the morning which still had no bearing on me sleeping right now. Hopefully once I do hit the pillow I’ll fall fast because I’ve gotten all this off my chest, out of my heart and head. Thanks for reading… xxx

Song of the day: I Come With Knives By: IAMX

I had such the weirdest dream last night. It was one of those that I woke in the middle of it, thought about it and went back to sleep and continued it. What I have learned from this dream is that I have some unresolved shit in my subconscious.

This dream starred several men that are currently staring in my life. One of these men I am going out with on Saturday. We’ll see how that goes. But before then, I have a hair appointment, nail appointment and just plan on doing some self care before the weekend. Those things have nothing to do with the guy but all for me. I’m just not feeling pretty or sexy lately. That’s what happens when you walk around all day with no pants and your messy hair in a bun with glasses and no makeup.

I will say this… sometimes my subconscious is a bitch. Just when I stop thinking about someone from my past so much, all of a sudden I’m dreaming about him. It does this as to say, “Don’t you forget”. It’s rather annoying but also comforting, in a weird way.

I have tried to forget about this man for years, or at least to stop thinking about him. However, life has a funny way of popping him back up. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the complexities of relationships or their reasoning in your life when you think you’ve “learned the lesson” and attempted to move on but BAM, there they are in some way, shape or form.

He reached out about a month ago for a few text conversation and I’m not really sure why. Since I don’t check social media I have no way of knowing what’s going on with him unless he tells me so… Here’s the thing, I wish I could get to a point where the idea of him doesn’t send me comforting butterflies. I want to get to the point where there is no emotion what-so-ever with him and we can just be friends but after all that we’ve been through and the fact that hasn’t happened yet? But also, whenever I try to be with someone else it just never feels the same. Trust me when I say that I’ve tried.

I could be all wrong about us and it could all just be a twisted little game that the universe plays but I still believe there’s a greater purpose for it all. Regardless I am happy today for no reason other than it’s half way through the week and my week and weekend are booked. I’m sitting hearing a storm outside with my music blasting and wearing no pants… So I am happy.

My hair has gotten so long and I am almost back to being a brunette that I need to see my stylist as soon as possible. My nails are seriously long and in need of some dark color soon. My feet are in need of pampering as well. Thank the universe for self care.

Song of the day: Tennessee Whiskey By: Chris Stapleton

I think this is one of the sweetest songs and is the perfect song to slow dance to. I’ve heard some great covers of it as well but it’s perfect the way it is.

I’ve had a strange weekend. I went out with a friend Saturday night with the original plan to get a new tattoo. She got one but I didn’t. I didn’t get a great vibe from him and figured I’d wait until I find someone that I liked better. After her tattoo we went and grabbed dinner, went to a pool hall which I was accosted outside at by a guy telling me that I had “pretty lips and smelled really nice”. So we opted to leave there and go to my regular bar that I like to go to.

The band inside was bad. I feel bad for saying that because I know the singer. We went to high school together but we ended up sitting outside and chatting about all kinds of things while dealing with 90 degree heat so we wouldn’t have to hear. He’s good at guitar but not the singing part.

One thing we were talking about was how I’ve been looking for a place to buy for a while now. She asked where I’d been looking and I replied with “From here to the beach”. That part is true. I’ve said many times here that I’d love to live close to the beach and a lot further away from my boss who’s right down the road from me. But with this economy I am having no luck. That was a longer conversation but that’s the small version.

This friend is one of my closest female friends and one I’ve known for a very long time. I was actually closer to her brother growing up but that changed. Her parents are my second parents though. They were the parents that made me do chores and treated me like parents truly should. They are my Ma and Pa (that’s what I call them). I always had this thought that if I was to ever get married Pa would actually be the one to walk me down the isle. I was very happy I got to see him this weekend as well.

That is all for now, even though there’s more. I’m just super busy.

Song of the day: Wrecking Ball By: Scars on 45 (Cover)

You all know how much I love cover songs. There’s a lot of this song but I think this is one of my favorites.

I’m so busy lately which is great but it’s busy with work not with fun. I haven’t had much luck with fun lately and haven’t seen any bands so I’m having withdraw symptoms of no live music. Plus it’s been so damn hot here. I got into my car the other day and it said 110 degrees which made me feel like my eyeballs were being microwaved. I am astonished at any person who works outside in this heat. Bless them.

On another note, even though my world has been less personal lately and more business I’m in this really great mood. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy to think about anything other than business but it’s been nice. It’s been really nice to not be overthinking shit which is the normal case. Forgetting situations and people has been refreshing. I wish I was someone who didn’t “overthink” but I have always been. It is what it is.

I did get to see some fireworks with my friend on July 4th but they were underwhelming. I think we just chose a bad spot but am grateful to have seen then never-the-less. I always like chatting with him so that part was great. Also, the “male” situation I spoke of a few posts ago about them having feelings for me, that’s died down a lot but mostly because I just stopped speaking to them except for one. That one has been my friend for a seriously long time so I’m hoping it just moves to a friends only with him.

Anyway, that’s my synopsis for the moment and might have more later but if not enjoy todays song! xxx

Song of the day: Where We Belong By: Thriving Ivory

You can pretty much assume that if I’m gone for a while it’s either because I’ve met someone or because I’m in a bad mood. This time around was because I met an old friend someone but also because my life’s been strange but a good kind of strange.

Within the last 30 days, I’ve had 3 men tell me they have feelings for me. One I knew he did but the other two were surprising. One of them was a friend that I’ve known for years and we’ve always just hung out whenever we were bored. When I met him years ago I thought he was one of the most fascinating men I’d ever met but over the years that went away. He’s still a great human and sexy but I haven’t thought about him like that for years. When he said something I was a bit taken back but the whole evening had been a strange one so it was par for the course.

The second was a guy that I’ve worked with for years. We’ve hung out a few times but again, I’ve just seen him as this “older brother” type guy. I didn’t expect that from him either. We have so much fun together and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just never saw a “relationship” with him so I wasn’t all nervous around him or didn’t go above and beyond getting ready to hang out.

The third guy… The third guy has a lot of the checkboxes checked off. We met a while ago and text each other a lot. He’s tall, sexy and has the humor I like. He plays guitar and owns his own business which means he gets to travel a lot. We’ve been talking about taking a trip out of town so I can get a new tattoo. He’s super sweet but not so sweet it’s gross. He’s got piercing eyes and he’s very “touchy-feely”. What I mean by that is that he’s constantly rubbing my back or fixing my hair or whispering in my ear. Like I said, he checks off a lot of boxes.

So, what’s my problem? Well, the first two guys I told them that I wasn’t interested for a lot of reasons but still wanted them in my life as friends. The third guy… I haven’t said anything to yet. We went out to dinner the other night and I noticed something. I noticed that I was nervous anxious. If you know anything about human behavior then you know that nervous anxiety is more of a warning that your body sends to you that it’s not what you think it is or that you want it to be. I understand that.

I can’t remember what it feels like the last time I was calmly excited to be around a man. You know that feeling that it’s energy and passionate but that it feels like a calming home too… I know it’s confusing but if you know what I mean, then you know. Truth is, I miss the FWB’s dynamic that I’ve had in the past. I miss being intimate with someone then going back and joking around with them like best friends. I’ve not felt that in a long while and I think that might be why I’m more interested in third guy than I normally would be.

I don’t feel the electricity with third guy BUT he does so many things that I like. I actually considered taking him to Austin for the weekend to meet the family (as a friend) but have resisted the urge so far. He sends me funny, stupid but cute texts and we can go for hours just talking to each other. He’s a little younger than me but I’m ok with that. He’s not full of himself and doesn’t boast or brag. He’s not a player and he’s so completely honest with everything so far. He keeps giving me his logins to his stuff which is weird. I’ve been off Facebook for so long and he wanted to show me something so he just gave me his username and pw so I could see it. I know what you’re thinking but I didn’t look around or check out anything else than what he asked me to.

He’s also very inquisitive and understands how smart I am. He’s had me build a website for him and so many other things that will help his business. He asks my opinion knowing that when it comes to most things business, I know what I’m doing. I really appreciate that in a guy instead of him thinking he knows everything. Also, he gives great massages. I just can’t tell right not if he’s a short time guy or something more than that.

The guy from a few months ago still messages me sometimes and I reply but it’s not the same as when it first started when he was sending me his “Good morning sunshine” texts and I’m not really concerned if he stops at any point. Aside from that it’s been a really weird few months. One of my friends offered to buy me a house down the street from her. Yes, you read that right. We’ve been friends for a long time and I don’t know if she’s just lonely or what but she offered to buy me a house. Yes, if you’re wondering, things like that happen to me a lot. I might have said yes except that it’s farther west that I want. I’m actually still considering moving more east, closer to the beach but don’t have much motivation to do it right now.

I can’t say that my life is boring but I still feel stagnant like it’s supposed to be going in a different direction. I can’t explain it other than I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I feel like I’m moving while standing still. I don’t know what is wrong because great things happen to me and I meet some great people but none of them feel like… home, I guess. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe nothing. Maybe I’m just feeling what everyone else is feeling right now. I have no idea. I just, I need a happy surprise that I’m not expecting right now. Maybe that’s it.

Hope you’re all doing well. xxx