The Anniversary post… about masochism.

So I missed the anniversary of my total life change, the flood last year. But I’m choosing to write about another anniversary first. I have been with my boss (in a work relationship) for almost two decades… Do you realize just how long that is? Most people can’t even make their own marriages last that long. He didn’t. But because of this, he and his girlfriend got into a huge fight over it.

So, the first thing to understand is that my boss is a narcissistic douche and I tell him that every chance I get BUT I love my job and my customers, plus I’m good at it. There’s also some sort of poetic justice that I’m able to cuss out my boss, tell him to fuck off on a daily basis, scream and yell and then five minutes later go back like nothing happened. He’s terrible though. He’s uncaring, selfish, pathological. So why am I still there really? Does this go back to me being a masochist? That’s the real question.

Let’s go over my history… Do you know how many men in my life and wanted a “forever” with me and I’ve turned them all down? Lots. I’ve got engagement rings in a safety deposit box to prove it. Yes, more than one. So there’s many men that wanted to love me, take care of me and be there for me but instead I say no. Instead, I opt for men that are completely unavailable. Knowing they’re unavailable I still choose to spend time with them and some I get feelings for some I don’t but deep down I know it’ll never be anything meaningful. Then, I work for some horrible asshole, knowing that there’s a lot to this job that he can’t do or doesn’t want to so we have what we jokingly, sadly, refer to as a work marriage. I’ve actually told him that when I do leave his ass, finally, he’ll owe me alimony.

 

Masochism: the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation.

If these things above are true, which they are, then my definition I am a masochist. I suppose it would be easier to just take the healthy route and find a lover to just spank the shit out of me right? I don’t even know at this point. Or, and here’s a better option, I’m just stuck in a rut. A very long, very real rut.

I like to learn, a lot. If I don’t know about something I’ll try to figure it out on my own. So, reading up on why people tend to lean toward the pain side of things there’s a lot that comes up. First, abuse, or having other shitty things happen to you as a child. Check. Next, just the inclination of pain itself that doesn’t actually have to have anything to do with anything. You just like it. Maybe it’s all the above or maybe it’s something that I’m not even thinking about yet. I don’t even know.

I wrote a post a few back about getting in touch with an old music producer/friend of mine and he was shocked that I wasn’t in the music industry. I think that made things worse in my head. Especially when he said that out of this whole group of kids he’d known back then it was only me and one other that he thought would truly “have made it”. It’s kind of a back-handed compliment but he didn’t mean it like that. Even today he said, “almost 20 years… really?”.

Aside from all that, I’ve gone out on three dates over the last couple weeks knowing that there was absolutely NO connection or chemistry. Why? Okay, so the answer to all these questions, in case you hadn’t figured it out is I’M A MASOCHIST! I usually know within about five minutes of meeting someone if there is something there or not. Of course, lately, I’ve had to ask them first if they are single and NOT married. The last guy I had chemistry with I’m not even sure I’ll ever actually see or talk to again but is married. The one before that I think I fell for the idea of loving him to save him knowing that it wasn’t even real. It’s strange the realizations that you have AFTER the fact, when the smoke has cleared and that person isn’t standing in front of you staring at you with lust in their eyes. I tend to think clearly away from those situations. Still NEVER felt that much sexual tension before and I do that all over again because I’m a masochist. I’d get all sweaty with a guy that I have absolutely NO future with. See, I need to find a way to break these patterns. It’s getting fucking ridiculous. I can find a rhyme or reason for everything that I do but these patterns need to STOP.

One of the dates that I had was commenting on how he thought I’d make a great wife. Don’t be freaked, we’ve know each other for a while. He was naming off all these really great qualities about me and I’m not going to disagree with anything he had to say. I would make an awesome wife… For the right man. BUT where is the right man? At this stage in my life I’m going to move to a small town, change my name and just get a dog, maybe have someone knock me up so that I can raise a kid who has better luck than I do. I swear, on my good days, I’m much more poetic than this but it’s been a crappy couple of weeks.

Back to my original story though, my boss’s girlfriend basically said to him, “Seriously, she’s been there for you for almost 20 years and you couldn’t even get her flowers?”. This started a huge fight and him screaming at her to mind her own business and then I just felt like shit because they’re fight was about me. I mean realistically it’s not about me but something deeper but it started because of me and I feel like shit because of that. It really sucks to be empathetic sometimes. I’d much rather go through life apathetic but we don’t get to chose.

Those are my thoughts tonight. As I said, none of which are poetic at all. I think I’m just voicing my frustration out. That is all… xxx

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The Reasons Why and What We Might Never Know…

I have this theory. It’s part of the reason why I’ve been at my job for so long. Something in my life, inevitably happens to the next “big thing”. Sounds obvious right? But it’s not always.

So my first real “big corporate job” led me to the company that I work for now. That job has led me to a guy I dated that I thought (at the time) I was in love with but don’t really think I was. That, years later led me to being best friends, sisters, with his wife. That wife led me to a band and that band led me to a guy… or a few.

My question, now, is where does this lead me now? The band thing is over due to recent circumstances. However, and this is a funny twist of fate but the one band member that I really wasn’t sure about, my friends Mister, is the only one that I still talk to or have been talking to all week. I’ve not seen, heard from or talked to the drummer and won’t. But my friend had been upset about how things went last weekend for her. So, being the friend that I am, I reached out to her Mister.

I basically said, “Look she’s really upset and asking if you’re done. Are you going to say anything to her or just never speak to her again?” That was sent earlier in the day and I didn’t really expect a text back for a while. I did, however, wake up to a text reply at 7 am the next day, “I’ve got bigger things to think about. Can you talk?”. This was from her Mister.

I replied around 9 am, since I was working, and said that I could and asked what was wrong. Apparently, his wife who was supposed to be out of town for three weeks had returned early and just started yelling at him about wanting a divorce and that she knew everything he’d been doing. He’d asked me if I thought that my friend would have said something to his wife in anger.

Okay, so here’s where my vault of secrets almost explodes. I’ve kept so many secrets for so many people for such a long time, it can seem overwhelming at times and now, I was about to keep another one.

There was no way in hell that I believe my friend would have reached out to his wife in any way, shape or form. That’s the truth. I basically talked him down from the edge all week. I’ve been checking in on him, discussing all kinds of personal things in his life. Basically being the friend that he needs right now. I don’t really think this guy has anyone to talk to. I actually started to feel like I was betraying my friend because I now have all these secrets about her Mister and have to shove all those back in my secret vault too.

When I told him that he should feel a bit secure because she and I will not be going to anymore gigs anymore his reply was, “I’ll miss seeing you. I really like seeing you there… and HER too”. I then felt guilty for that. See, he and I have always had a very strange relationship because he’s always felt comfortable in saying things to me that he could never to her. I felt like I had the friendship with him that I actually wanted with the drummer. It’s all been a cluster fuck.

But this leads me back to, what’s next? Ever since a week ago I’ve been in the worst funk I’ve had since moving back here after the hurricane. I’ve gone out a few times but I don’t want to see my friend. I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’ve been sad, possibly depressed and mostly wanted to sleep for days on end. But why?

I’ve already made my appointment to see my Shaman friend to get her input because I asked for one thing under setting intentions under the full moon and got something totally different. So, where will that lead me? I know I’m upset knowing that I won’t be seeing the band again because, regardless of all the drama that’s surround it I really missed being a band-aid. I’ll miss the obvious, sexual chemistry that I shared with the drummer that’s been unmatched in all my life. That’s saying something too because I LOVE sex. ALL THE TIME! But what else is with me?

I think a lot of my mood has to do with what I’d asked for and what I got in return. I feel like stomping my feet and screaming “WHERE’S MY HAPPY?” like a spoiled child. I’m angry at all the couples that claim to be happy and yet always have one eye out for something/someone different. I’m mad that I’m keeping so many secrets. I’m pissed that I have all this great wisdom when it comes to relationships and love and yet it’s all wasted on me because the men that I meet that actually are available I have no connection to. I’m pissed about promises made and promises broken and I’m angry at all the liars out there.

So I guess I’m mad/angry/pissed/upset at a lot of things right now and haven’t brought myself to find a powerful healthy outlet just yet. All I can do is write things here but then I feel, as I stated the other day, when the universe finds out I’m even the slightest bit happy it does whatever it takes to fucked that up.

Is this my reality right now or someone else’s nightmare? I’m just so thoroughly confused about what my next step is and where IT will lead me. I want peace and health and healthy relationships and SEX ALL THE TIME. I want to WANT to get out of bed in the mornings and I want real relationships where I don’t have to keep secrets. I also what to know what all the with the drummer was about because right now it seems even smaller than just a blip on my roadmap of my life.

It’s strange. I’ve been hunkered down in my home for days now. I’ve only occasionally gone outside to run menial tasks, go to dinner or some nights to just drive around listening to music but right now I’m just sitting on my couch listening to the quiet noise in my home and the clacking of my nails on my laptop. It’s cathartic, it’s simplistic and right now it’s the only thing that’s real.

That’s all for now… xxx

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Yet again, it’s all about the connection…

I think that even before I wrote that blog, last night/this morning, I’d already decided that I was done with the band. Before the band drama I was focused on myself and making myself and my life better. That went a bit to the side since meeting them. I need that piece and peace back. I’ll admit that before them and becoming so close to my friends wife my world was a lot more quiet and a bit more lonely but I felt free. Free from emotions and free from the rest of the world. That was a nice feeling.

Things have all changed since this time last year or pre-hurricane cleansing, as I call it. I was in, what seemed like, a masochistic relationship which is gone now. I was having issues at work and even wanting to just get out of bed in the morning was tough, which is gone now. I wasn’t feeling connected to my own life, that’s still a bit there but it’s better than it was. But that’s where my whole life turns… When I’m connected.

My personal life is still just crazy and after a phone call I just got it’s even crazier. Like I said yesterday, for some reason, married men are finding me to flirt with. This is a weird time for me. This has happened before and I brushed it off but now I look better and feel better physically than I have in a long time. Apparently that type of attitude is what they’re looking for. But I’m not this person that they think I am. I am done.

This really does go back to the “connection” part of life. I, so rarely, feel that with people. I get along with everyone but it’s few that peak my interest. When I feel that type of connection whether it be emotionally or sexually it’s as if I never want to let it go. But tonight all I can think about is one of my favorite movies… If you’ve been here before then you know what I’m going to quote, “There’s girls you fuck and there’s girls you marry and never the two shall meet”. I have never felt like more of the first one than I do right now.

I am not innocent, by any means, I am NOT rationalizing my behavior either. I know that I have crossed a line with ONE of them. But the other two LIED to me and have been lying to their wives this entire time. I simply can not say this enough that I am done. Fucking done with men being selfish and not realizing who their hurting. Yes, I might have been the girl you marry for several way back when but it’s not like that now and I can’t stop being angry at myself for not saying Yes to one of those guys years ago.

There is nothing worse in my world than the realization that I am partially to blame for someone else being upset, angry or any other negative emotion. That’s NOT who I am. All I want to do is make people feel better and their lives happier. I’m so sickened right now. I’m so angry at myself. You all here know that I’ve never been more honest than I am here and to write all this down makes me sick. This is just fucked up. I need to be the person I was not that long ago now. I’m done being the person I am right now and I write that in tears.

I have already delete all the things that remind me of the last few months and can only wish that new and better memories will be made soon. I’m sorry for not being the person that I should be right now and for causing any pain to ANYONE. I can only hope that tomorrow I can start to pay forward kindness instead of what I’ve been doing.

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowing entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time. I a bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classical.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest lier.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.

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