A month away and noticing all my flaws…

It’s been a month since I’ve posted something and kept it on here. I’ve posted and written a lot of stuff but, for some reason, decided I didn’t want to keep it on here. My mind has been all over the place lately. There’s been a lot of stuff going on but when I think I want to write about it I, later, change my mind.

What I haven’t been doing lately is taking care of myself. I have been finding it necessary to take care of everyone else first. This was not supposed to be the case. I believe a few posts back I said that I was going to have a very selfish month. Apparently I don’t do selfish very well.

When I see people around me in pain, upset, hurt or lonely all I want to do is comfort them at any expense necessary. That’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure I’ve spent one day in the last month that was entirely for me. What I need is to get my hair done, my nails done and a nice massage. I will probably NOT get any of that done soon though.

My boss’s son is in the hospital. He came home for a few days then went back in. My boss and I are barely speaking because of a fight we got into so that’s been weird. My dad is still in the hospital but making it home Friday, I think. My crazy friend is having health issues and lastly, I haven’t seen my distraction for almost 4 weeks now.

So my boss and his son had a terrible accident happen and for the first week we were all just patiently waiting the results. He’s a tough kid. I love that kid so much and he’s seriously one of the strongest people I know. Seeing him in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes was heartbreaking but he made it through and quickly recovered yet went back in the hospital with complications. He’s strong though, as I said, and he will get through this.

One night, while my boss was dealing with many many emotions I’d gone to his house late to do some work. He, one of his closest friends and I sat talking. This was not a great idea as he’d been drinking and I was emotional as well and we just got into an argument about his ex-girlfriend. He said some really shitty things and even though I could have said something just as shitty or worse back at him I got up and just left without saying anything. I don’t argue to hurt someone. I try my damnedest to not hurt anyone around me. My worst offense is the silent treatment and I know that I need to stop doing that but when I’m hurt or upset or worried that’s what I do.

So within this silent treatment I ignored his “somewhat” apology and we only discuss work. Period. I’ve stop talking to his ex-girlfriend and have just moved on. I’m sure we will have a discussion at some point but as long as we’ve both got something to occupy our minds it’ll be a while because I’m a stubborn bitch.

You know, that’s one of the things they say about Aquarius’s is that we can be thinking about someone till it kills us but we still won’t pick up the phone, text or reach out what-so-ever. It’s a shitty habit we have and it’s not an excuse. I know I need to do better. There’s people that I think about all the time and just don’t say shit. It’s another one of my flaws I suppose.

I have been getting “fitter” by accident also. I’ve not been eating so I’m going to just blame that on “intermittent fasting”. Truth is by the time I’m done with my day I’ve realized that I just didn’t eat and most days don’t care to. I guess that’s what happens when you’re mind is busy worried all the time about everyone but yourself.

My dad, well he’s been in the hospital for almost 2 months now. That’s been a weird thing. I want him to come home as long as he’s ready and willing to work to keep himself healthy. My mom is his caretaker and he needs to treat her more kindly as well but that’s a conversation that my brother needs to have with him as we still don’t have very many conversations over 5 minutes. At least, if he’s home, my mom can stop worry so much and he’ll be comfortable.

My crazy friend with the health issues, she worries herself sick most of the time. I think that’s a flaw that a lot of people have but as soon as something is wrong around her she takes on that guilt or sadness or anger. These are all things that I try to tell her to let go of BUT I am a hypocrite.

I take on guilt and sadness and emotions from others that I have no business keeping. In some weird way I feel like if I take them then they don’t have to feel that anymore. I’m aware that is some flaw and maybe part of being an empath but it doesn’t help me any. At least I am admitting my faults. That’s the first step right?

My one distraction, as of late, was the drummer but as I said we’ve not seen each other in almost a month. The last time we did we had a good conversation and it was about how he wanted to have this “Private girlfriend” type of relationship with me which I was fine with, in fact, it’s what I’d written about on here not that long before and he talked about love again which I was getting more comfortable with and then poof… He’s gone.

The first couple weeks I’d explained his absence by saying maybe he realized what he said and now feels vulnerable. Then it was, “His kids are out of school” or “then this” or “then that”. Now that it’s been as long as it’s been I’ve just sadly written off the good things that he’d said and keep remembering “He’s just not that into you”. I know I’ve referenced this movie so many times but at the end of the day if a guy WANTS to see or talk to you he will. I’ve told him before that I would work around HIS schedule because he’s got more shit going on so… That’s where we are. No where. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Truth here, I miss him. I miss him like I really didn’t think I would because we really haven’t spent that much time together. I just liked his energy and the way I felt around him. I will be sad and maybe for a while but this is why I kept my heart to myself. Hope for the best but expect the worst I guess. There’s always been a chance that he’d go back to his wife, find another girl now that he’s single or just want to stay out of anything emotional for a while. These are all the reasons I kept my walls down but my heart closed.

I’m going to see my Shaman friend on Sunday. Hopefully she’ll be able to tell me something good so I don’t feel so sad right now. Maybe she can cleanse my aura or unblock my bad luck at love. Maybe then I’ll find someone or I won’t feel so alone or something that doesn’t seem depressing. Who knows? He’s been my comfort for a couple months and it sucks to not have that. Even if it was only a couple times a month.

Every once in a while I think that it’s something that I’ve done. Like, I kept him too much of a secret or I don’t look pretty enough or I didn’t say “I love you” back. There’s a thousand and one things that go through a girls mind when a guy just stops wanting to see her. When he stops putting any effort out there and eventually I just have to give up the notion that it was “meant to be”. Because when things are meant to be they just happen and no one is left wondering what they did wrong.

So on top of everything that’s going on above and the fact that my comfort has disappeared I’m just in a blah, stuck place that I hate. I hate feeling sad, lonely, not good enough and not at peace. It sucks… That’s all I can say is that it sucks and that’s my reality these days. I’m just tired of being single I think. I know that I say that knowing that I’ve passed up so many good even great men in my life and this might be my karma. I wasn’t investing all my hopes and dreams on the drummer but I was thinking that I was comfortable for a while now and I wasn’t having to “search” for anything else. I guess I’m back to looking for something.

I hope that YOU are not where I am right now and that your life is awesome and joyful and peaceful. That is what I will be grateful for today if nothing else.

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The Anniversary post… about masochism.

So I missed the anniversary of my total life change, the flood last year. But I’m choosing to write about another anniversary first. I have been with my boss (in a work relationship) for almost two decades… Do you realize just how long that is? Most people can’t even make their own marriages last that long. He didn’t. But because of this, he and his girlfriend got into a huge fight over it.

So, the first thing to understand is that my boss is a narcissistic douche and I tell him that every chance I get BUT I love my job and my customers, plus I’m good at it. There’s also some sort of poetic justice that I’m able to cuss out my boss, tell him to fuck off on a daily basis, scream and yell and then five minutes later go back like nothing happened. He’s terrible though. He’s uncaring, selfish, pathological. So why am I still there really? Does this go back to me being a masochist? That’s the real question.

Let’s go over my history… Do you know how many men in my life and wanted a “forever” with me and I’ve turned them all down? Lots. I’ve got engagement rings in a safety deposit box to prove it. Yes, more than one. So there’s many men that wanted to love me, take care of me and be there for me but instead I say no. Instead, I opt for men that are completely unavailable. Knowing they’re unavailable I still choose to spend time with them and some I get feelings for some I don’t but deep down I know it’ll never be anything meaningful. Then, I work for some horrible asshole, knowing that there’s a lot to this job that he can’t do or doesn’t want to so we have what we jokingly, sadly, refer to as a work marriage. I’ve actually told him that when I do leave his ass, finally, he’ll owe me alimony.

 

Masochism: the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation.

If these things above are true, which they are, then my definition I am a masochist. I suppose it would be easier to just take the healthy route and find a lover to just spank the shit out of me right? I don’t even know at this point. Or, and here’s a better option, I’m just stuck in a rut. A very long, very real rut.

I like to learn, a lot. If I don’t know about something I’ll try to figure it out on my own. So, reading up on why people tend to lean toward the pain side of things there’s a lot that comes up. First, abuse, or having other shitty things happen to you as a child. Check. Next, just the inclination of pain itself that doesn’t actually have to have anything to do with anything. You just like it. Maybe it’s all the above or maybe it’s something that I’m not even thinking about yet. I don’t even know.

I wrote a post a few back about getting in touch with an old music producer/friend of mine and he was shocked that I wasn’t in the music industry. I think that made things worse in my head. Especially when he said that out of this whole group of kids he’d known back then it was only me and one other that he thought would truly “have made it”. It’s kind of a back-handed compliment but he didn’t mean it like that. Even today he said, “almost 20 years… really?”.

Aside from all that, I’ve gone out on three dates over the last couple weeks knowing that there was absolutely NO connection or chemistry. Why? Okay, so the answer to all these questions, in case you hadn’t figured it out is I’M A MASOCHIST! I usually know within about five minutes of meeting someone if there is something there or not. Of course, lately, I’ve had to ask them first if they are single and NOT married. The last guy I had chemistry with I’m not even sure I’ll ever actually see or talk to again but is married. The one before that I think I fell for the idea of loving him to save him knowing that it wasn’t even real. It’s strange the realizations that you have AFTER the fact, when the smoke has cleared and that person isn’t standing in front of you staring at you with lust in their eyes. I tend to think clearly away from those situations. Still NEVER felt that much sexual tension before and I do that all over again because I’m a masochist. I’d get all sweaty with a guy that I have absolutely NO future with. See, I need to find a way to break these patterns. It’s getting fucking ridiculous. I can find a rhyme or reason for everything that I do but these patterns need to STOP.

One of the dates that I had was commenting on how he thought I’d make a great wife. Don’t be freaked, we’ve know each other for a while. He was naming off all these really great qualities about me and I’m not going to disagree with anything he had to say. I would make an awesome wife… For the right man. BUT where is the right man? At this stage in my life I’m going to move to a small town, change my name and just get a dog, maybe have someone knock me up so that I can raise a kid who has better luck than I do. I swear, on my good days, I’m much more poetic than this but it’s been a crappy couple of weeks.

Back to my original story though, my boss’s girlfriend basically said to him, “Seriously, she’s been there for you for almost 20 years and you couldn’t even get her flowers?”. This started a huge fight and him screaming at her to mind her own business and then I just felt like shit because they’re fight was about me. I mean realistically it’s not about me but something deeper but it started because of me and I feel like shit because of that. It really sucks to be empathetic sometimes. I’d much rather go through life apathetic but we don’t get to chose.

Those are my thoughts tonight. As I said, none of which are poetic at all. I think I’m just voicing my frustration out. That is all… xxx

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June Challenge Day 3

1. Exercise – Yes! Even though I came right home and proceeded to take my very long nap, then go shopping, I still made it home in time to do 46 minutes. Sometimes I even surprise myself. In a good way.

2. Water – Yes. Still feeling like I’m swimming but at least I’m getting it in.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about one personality trait that you love about yourself and why: I know that it says “one” but I like a lot about my personality. I’m witty, sarcastic, fun, easy going, caring and quirky. Part of it’s in my sign but mostly I just make things up as I go. I also have this weird trait that allows most people to share things with me that they wouldn’t normally share. I’ve had so many strangers tell me the most intimate things. My secrets vault overflows a lot.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What color are you grateful for? Mostly I like blue. It’s my favorite color orchid (obviously). It’s the name of one of my favorite characters from a movie and it’s the color I find most sexy on a man.

5. 30 Day Random Challenge – What’s inside your purse? That’s a scary question. I have lots of lighters, cigarette packs (I’m going to quit I just need the right motivation), pens, stamps, lots of lipsticks, a bottle of water or two, medication… that’s about all I can remember right now but I’m sure there’s much much more.

So, our Friday’s at work are like Monday’s times two. They’re insane in the mornings and tend to taper off a bit but with the rain almost all day I was feeling so lethargic. By the time I got home all I wanted to do was bury myself in my bed and sleep, which I did. But when I woke up hours later I had gotten six texts all asking the question, “Hey what are you doing right now?” My first thought too all of them, coming out of my nap induced coma, was “it’s none of your business eff off”.

I’d decided I’d give myself a few moments to wake up first before replying. Mostly, my replies where, “sorry busy” but the ex had texted and wanted to get together tomorrow. I immediately got this twinge of annoyance. (I know I’m supposed to spend time with him this month) Instead of actually making a plan I said that I was out of town with family. I assumed this give him an explanation that he needed to be scarce for a couple days at least. However, the next text I got was “Can I meet you there?”

In my mind I’m thinking, “Um, WHAT?” So I replied and said no and this back and forth lasted a while longer but it ended when he dropped the “L word”. I quickly shut that conversation down. I’m not sure it’s enough to keep him away for a while but we shall see.

The truth is, part of me is in disbelief that this sweet, sexy, “got it together” guy does have as much love for me as he does AND the fact that he’s not scared to show me or tell me that either is a huge bonus. But it’s a tell tale sign that the moment I see his name pop up on my phone my eyes automatically start to roll. That’s not a good sign. And even though I’ve been completely honest with all my feelings or lack there of but truth is it’s nice to know that someone out there has those feelings whether it be the one I want them from or not.

I like the sexual banter and the flirtation but I know that if there was a good enough reason for me to stop it all completely then I would but until then I just keep avoiding this. I’m not even sure, at this point, if I’m scared of what it COULD lead to or what.

So it’s 2 am and I’m contemplating the dating life, yet again, for an ex that doesn’t give me chills, goose bumps or even make me excited to be around him. He doesn’t offer comfort, safety or passion. What he does offer is predictability, security and possibly the most boring life ever.

I read this article today that when you open up and say you love someone you are also saying that you love their flaws or faults as well. The ex’s flaws or faults annoy me already. There’s nothing to love there. And yet again it leads me back to the fact that I have human A.D.D. and there’s only one person that I love his flaws and faults just as much as him. Well, maybe not AS MUCH as him but I love those things about him too. I’m a lost cause at this point, I think. Oh well… That is my life.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Blue orchid with buds on a black background

Blue orchid with buds on a black background

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 9

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Does it count if you complain in your head while you fantasize about kicking some a-hole in the jewels? If it doesn’t then Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I was still so exhausted when I got home I thought long and hard about taking a nap but instead threw my clothes on and did 55 minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check, so far. I still have a few hours before sleep so hopefully I’ll get all this done.

I’ve had this weird feeling all day. I’m not really sure where it’s coming from but the voices all around me are not helping. No, I don’t mean the voices in my head. This would be one of the downsides to living in an apartment complex. Apparently some neighbors are fighting about something. Other neighbors are stoned. It’s usually pretty quiet around here but not right now.

This was all fine when I was working out because I zone out but now I’m sitting trying to work and that’s not working. For a while I was getting bombarded by texts so I “airplane moded” my phone. I do that now. A lot. I guess that’s a bit of me trying to control my world. Which I still painstakingly still can’t do much. Plus my I didn’t sleep well last night. I was just tossing and turning for no real reason. I guess that weird feeling started last night.

My weekends trying to fill out again, so quickly with appointments but I’ve really started to appreciate the surprises, the last minute “hey lets do this right now” texts. Sounds bad to the ones that plan out an evening with prior notice but I need something new in my life right now. I even thought about turning my hair pink again just to see something different. Why do I crave different so much?

My BFF and I haven’t talked in a while. Granted, the last time we spoke was for seven hours total but we don’t really know what’s going on with each other except we’re both excruciatingly busy. She’ll randomly text me “Good morning sunshine. How are you?” I’ll response with “Good morning moonshine, tired and busy you?” and her reply is usually “same 😦 ) We usually spent Memorial Day weekend together and this year she’ll be coming here to see a show. So we’ll get to see each other at a loud, hot concert and with her family which stresses her out. This should be entertaining or at the least interesting.

My post is even boring tonight and I met a guy today. He was attractive but couldn’t regurgitate anything that he said because I wasn’t even listening. I’m going to rummage round my home a bit to see if anything exciting pops out. Hope you’re having an exciting week.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 5 and today’s thoughts.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining. – We’ll see how this goes after my thoughts.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour pretty late this evening but it feels great to accomplish it.
4. Eat healthy – Check. I even, finally, met up with some friends and still had a healthy dinner out.
5. My strict routine doesn’t really take effect on the weekends even though it should.

So today was a bit of a weird day. One of my nightly rituals is that I read my horoscope for the next day but I can only do this after midnight (a bit of my OCDness). Basically, it said that someone would be extra specially nice to me today for no other reason than just because even though it would seem that they would be about to ask a favor. Even though I don’t take full advice from these horoscopes it still made me be on guard all day. With every single nice thing done I kept wondering, “Is this it?” So by the end of the day I realize just how many people do really nice shit for me all the time and never expect anything. They literally do it because they want to and that’s it. Strange how you realize things like that.

By the end of the day I’d gotten my lunch and dinner paid for. I’d received a very nice piece of jewelry from a friend and I received some cash out of no where. None of this was expected and yet appreciate ten fold. If there’s one lesson that I learned from today, expect nothing and when you do get something it’s a nice surprise.

On the boss front though, after he’d texted some drunk texts to me last night about how upset he was, I’d decided to spin some thoughts into some words that formed an email to him. Since I know both him and his girlfriend enough, I wrote the email from his point of view because she had overly expressed her opinion enough to him. I’d basically said all the things that I though he SHOULD tell her, but in a form that wasn’t as bitter or angry as he was at that very moment. I texted him to check his email assuming that he paraphrase or at the bare minimum use it for some inspiration.

When he came into work today, I’d asked him about the email that I’d sent him and he laughed. He then admitted that he just out right plagiarized my entire thought process by copying and pasting into his own email and sending it to her. I laughed because if she does know him as well as she should she’d know most of those words or explanations of emotions didn’t come from his own fingers plucking at the keyboard but rather his highly intelligent and beautiful wordsmith of an employee.

There was a small bit of me that assumed he might do that last night and either way I’m fine with it because it’s brought them to a better place. For me, this seems to be the adage about “those that can’t do teach”. Well, in this scenario, “Those who don’t date, teach”. I’m happy either way if they work things out.

Another thing that I noticed today is that once I started saying, “No” to a lot of things because my plate is too full right now I started feeling so much better. I can’t be all things to everyone and I can’t do everything for everyone that asks therefore I realized today that it’s ok to say No. The best part here is that I don’t feel guilty about it either. I thought I would but I realized after stressing myself out so much yesterday that I made myself physically sick, there had to be a breaking point. Well, it turned into more of a break-through point.

After all the kindness I received today for no reason what-so-ever, after the break-through that it’s ok to say no to people and after realizing that I can’t control the world or at least I don’t have to, I am in a good mood tonight and will be able to have a nice weekend. I will be able to have a controlled, relaxed weekend which is even nicer.

There was a thought I’d had last night though that I hadn’t thought for a while. While I was an on-looker to my boss’s emotional meltdown yesterday I’d received a text from my ex who had randomly gone to New York for his job. He knows the love New York and sent me pictures all day of things all around. The last one I got was the beautiful skyline at night with a message, “Knowing that these pictures make you happy is the second best thing that I could do right before I sleep. The first would be lying next to you in this city. Good night, sleep fast and sweet dreams beautiful xx.” I give the man an A for trying so hard and it’s nice to have someone that does and says such nice things.

I was reading these and this random thought appeared to me. I was alone at the time but I wasn’t lonely. A few hours later, while I was laying in bed is when the thought came to me that that’s when I become lonely. When I’m laying in bed alone. It reminded me of this line in the HBO show Vinyl, which is awesome by the way, but Olivia Wilde’s character say’s “I’m so lonely it’s pathetic”. For some reason that line rang true to me when she said it so much it almost hurt but then I realized that I truly felt that way right before I sleep.

That’s a sad thought to me but I realize that I don’t have to feel that way. I could, realistically, jump on a plane and be in New York and not be alone or lonely lying next to someone who truly loves me and cares for me much more than I’ll ever reciprocate. But that’s the problem though. While he makes me feel loved and cared for, he doesn’t make me feel safe or comfortable. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone else that does. I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter but obviously it does. Somewhere along the way of this blog being about my dating life, it’s turned into something about a story about a boy and a girl that will never have a happy ending and she can’t seem to find someone to replace him with and he doesn’t care because everyone else and everything else is so much more important to him than she is. That’s a pretty sad reality.

Regardless of those final thoughts this was still a good day. I’m going to go watch some crappy TV and fall asleep on the couch because for some reason it feels a bit less lonely. Hope you all have a great weekend.
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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 4 and today’s events.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining – I’m not going to give this to myself because my thoughts of today will probably be tied with a few complaints. We’ll see
2. No spending – Check. I do have to get my mom something for mother’s day and her birthday but that’s not really unnecessary.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 42 minutes which is more than yesterday but I think I’m still pushing myself more than I should.
4. Eat healthy – Check. Even, again, with lunch bought for me I chose wisely.
5. Follow a strict routine – half check. I’m taking a point away because I didn’t finish my routine last night which left me without breakfast this morning. Luckily I keep healthy snacks there.

My day started off busy. I mean, the company is going through some drastic changes and there’s so much that I have to do so I am power ready for all those things. I wasn’t ready for the rest of what today threw at me though. My boss came in this morning and was just upset and angry and he’d been bombarded by angry text messages from his girlfriend. You remember? The one I befriended so that I could help both of them out? So he hands me his phone and wants me to read every single text message that was sent back and forth. If you thought that the new Superman movie was long, you’d have almost wished for it after reading every single one of those texts.

By the end of it all though, and I hate to say this, he did nothing wrong. She kind of went batshit crazy on him. So, this lead to three phone calls through out the day from him asking my opinion, several emails, and even more text messages. At one point all I could think was, “You do know that each time I have to respond to you I’m not really focused on my own job right?” But instead I just placated him because he was in serious need of someone to do that for him. Even now, being at home, he’s still asking for my opinion. I appreciate the friendship that he and I have but he is going to drive himself crazy… Pot calling the kettle black there huh?

During all of this I received a request from one of my employees asking for his pay-stubs. I told him that I was just being noisy and he absolutely didn’t have to tell me what they were for but I did ask why. He’d said he was about to get a loan because he and his wife were in some financial difficulties. Pretty typical thing these days except he’s about to be let go. For the sake of business and what I’m “allowed” to say, I hold absolutely no responsibility to advise him of this what-so-ever. But since I’m not entirely a heartless bitch I gave him my opinion without telling him why and asked that the owner talk to him tomorrow before he goes through with it. Legally, I’m not supposed to have said anything but our company really has been a different set of “family” for years now and I am a compassionate person. This was hard for me.

So, in between work being crazy, the boss going through emotional turmoil and the employee about to make a mistake I received a text message from THE friend with some great news. He got this job that could turn out to be something really special. My first reaction was to tell him that I am proud of him but I’m not sure how he’d take that. I am seriously happy for him though. Of course, my mind slowly wandered to a negative space about this. I started thinking things like, “Well, we’re about to see each other a whole lot less now”, “I wonder how far down the list of people he told that I was”  and “I guess he won’t need me for things now”. It even went to, “Well, now there will be a whole new dating pool that just opened up for him and I’m sure I’ll be replaceable”.

Soon after all those thoughts rushed in my head though, I stopped. I literally said in my head, “Stop thinking about everything but what’s happening right now. Right now you are so happy for him and that’s it. All the rest will turn out like it’s supposed to.” And you know what? I stopped. I realize that I don’t have the gift of fortune telling, I don’t know what’s going to happen and it doesn’t matter right now in this very moment. In this very moment I am proud of him and it was a highlight to my day.

The lowest point, however, was when I realized that I couldn’t drive to see my family this weekend and that I would have to text my brother and let him know. Why is that stressful? Well, seeing my family is stressful first-off. They have no plans. They make no plans what-so-ever and half the time, even when I say I’ll be arriving at a certain time, they’re not there. But also it would have been a 24 hour trip which most of that time would be spent in a car driving there or sleeping. Anyway, I just realized that with all this stuff I’ve had to do lately and how stressed everything is right now I can’t do that to myself as well.

There’s also another part of this too. My parents come to my town once a month for doctors visits for my dad. I have not seen them since December. They don’t let me know they’re in town. We don’t communicate and I’m not sure that I feel the need to stress myself out when the return has not been done for me. I suppose that’s a bit spiteful and I realize that I should be more mature than that but with all that piled on of everything else, I just made the best decision for me. I’ve said this more than once, my friends are my family and there’s a saying out there that goes, “Friends are God’s apology for family”. I’ve been able to make a great family through the years and I’m happy with that.

So, there’s a ton of work to be done after I finish this post up and once I put on my spectacles I will check out of all other issues in my life or that’s around me and just focus on the task at hand. I can’t wait for some breathing room this weekend. What I’d like to do is just sit in a pool for hours until I get prune like and not think about a thing for a day or two. That really sounds like a plan so far.

Now, off to work.

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The Unintentional Gift of Making People Cry… Again.

My initial disclaimer is that I have been drinking and on an empty stomach tonight. This was not my intention BUT I did have someone’s best interests in mind when I agreed to this. To fully understand this post you’ll need to be re-directed to another one… The Tale of Two Men… Basically this was the talk with my boss about the girlfriend that made him cry. Well, tonight (It’s actually 2:30 in the morning so I guess yesterday) was the day I met with the girlfriend.

Let me back track a bit. I’ve had very few exceptionally close friendships with females. I know, it’s shocking that my energy gravitates toward male energy for some reason but I encounter lots of females that want to be friends and I’ll do the friendly thing for a while but I know that there is only a certain type of energy that I can tolerate for long. I still have a female neighbor from ten years ago that calls only to receive my voicemail for years now. But with all that said, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight because I had a different image of who my boss’s girlfriend was. He has a tendency to paint people entirely different to serve his needs. I actually kind of looked at it as a “work job”.

Truth is, I actually enjoyed myself. We had a great conversation and there were things that came up from her that she’d never told anyone. I could tell that she’s never really had a real and true decent female friend in her life. So she talked mostly and I listened. Sometimes that’s all you have to do is listen to someone who feels taken for granted. But soon, the conversation moved quickly to the point as to why I was there. She assumed it was because I just wanted to have a drink and I knew it was more about some sort of therapy.

This part the drinking helped with a lot. She’d asked about my opinion and since my opinion has a lot to do with my situation with THE friend this meant I had to open up a lot but yet still being reserved. I started to share my story, explaining that not only did I understand her issues with my boss because he’s an asshole but also because THE friend is so much like him and we go through “shit” that’s similar.

She kept asking questions like “Does he do this?” My response, “Yes!”. This continued for about an hour. Her asking and me admitting to her and to myself that those two were so alike. Finally, and I knew it was coming, she asked the biggest question… “So why do you keep doing it? Why do you stay?” By this time I was really feeling the alcohol. I looked at her, in a completely sobering yet perplexing manner and said…

“Because I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

Yep, that part made her tear. I did not do that on purpose and I didn’t do that to illicit any sort of reaction. It was the most honest and truthful answer that I felt, in my heart, at that moment. I realized in that very moment that this is what it all boils down to with THE friend and me and with my boss and his girlfriend. Difference is obviously those two are probably going to be together as a couple forever now. We, however, are not in the same boat. But still I had a very clear sober drunk moment, if that makes sense.

We talked about a whole lot more than just those two but I realized that information can be used for good or evil. Secrets can be used to good or evil. I could have sat their and probably convinced her (with my vast knowledge) to not leave, to not move away but I knew that it’s probably the best thing for her. At this point she needs time to breath and to live on her own for a while and to let him fix himself. When he’s ready to give up some control and when he’s shown he can grow I think she’ll be more than happy to come back and they can have their happily ever after but shit needs fixing!

That can not be said for my situation because there’s no option of a “happily ever after” with us and if I was to leave I’m not sure that it would matter near as much, if at all but not everything is the same between our situations so I’m aware of this. I think that when I said that one answer though it might have just made more sense to her than to anyone else in the world.

I enjoyed tonight and if my situation has helped in anyway then, again, it’s worth it. I was truthful to someone that I barely know and it was all to help someone who can’t understand or comprehend the blessing that God sent to him. Sometimes, all a girl needs is some appreciation that comes from the heart.

Hope you’re having a great weekend and your homework assignment for today is to show some appreciation for someone in your life that you “can’t life without” but don’t tell them as much as you should.

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