June Challenge Day 12

Aside from a few outings and some purchases this weekend I have been an utterly useless human. Still kind of in a funk and not really sure why. I did realize that it’s been over a week of no contact from the ex ever since he dropped the “L word” and my reply was thank you. I’m pretty sure that if humans were supposed to go to a class and pass it about emotional intelligence I would have never received a diploma. But since I just really want to sleep in my bed for the first time in a few days I’ll make this a short one. And NO I don’t have any seductive dates that are the reason my bed has been empty. I’ve just been falling asleep on the couch a lot.

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Hang a picture of myself that I love and why do you love it? This is a hard one. I’ve always hated taking pictures. You know there’s an old wives tale that says every picture taken of you steals your soul a bit more. I’m not saying that’s why. I’m just remembering it. I guess I’ll pick two. There’s a pic of my BFF and I leaning on the “speak, hear, see – no evil monkey’s”. That was a fun day. The other picture I’d pic is one that was taken by an ex co-worker. He took this black and white photo of me and THE friend at this really shitty dive bar. THE friend was grabbing me from behind but it looks like we’re hugging. That’s actually the photo that my friend, the photographer said I looked beautiful in because I looked happy. He and I both knew WHY I was that happy. It’s too bad THE friend and I don’t have those moments now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What texture are you grateful for? Anything silk, satin or flannel. It’s sexy verses comfort for me, I guess.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Where have you traveled? Even though I was born in England and lived in Saudi for a moment I’ve not really traveled nearly as much as I’d like to. Nevada, Arizona, Tennessee, Hawaii, Louisiana, Oklahoma… I think that’s it.

It’s a bit funny, my shot glass collection was supposed to be all the places that I’d traveled but once people knew I collected them it became something that they’d always bring me back from their adventures. My boss has probably gotten me the most and now they’re all in boxes somewhere because I don’t really have a great place to display them.

So that’s my weekend, boring weekend, and my challenges today. I just realized that I’ve been keeping up with these challenges everyday and writing about them and then I realized that partly it’s because I’ve not seen THE friend in two weeks. We should have gotten together two weeks ago but I felt horrible and he was going to be here late, as usual and I didn’t want to get into a fight about it so I just told him we’d do it another night. Then he’d wanted to get together a couple days later but I had to work late.

I do realize that I miss his today and that makes me uncomfortable because it’s only been two weeks. I’m not sure he’s even noticed that it’s been that long, or cares and I’m certainly sure that he doesn’t share in the missed feelings. Ugh, I feel like such a girl right now. I’m wondering if he’s even kept a promise to NOT have watched our shows until we get together. He has even less patience than I do so he’d be more likely to and that would piss me off but none of any of it matters now.

When my boss and his (now) ex-wife were going through their divorce I would always tell him that as long as there’s anger or fights it means that there’s passion or love there. There really is a fine line between hate and love but I apply that to THE friend and my’s relationship. As long as I still get angry or sad or upset then it means that I still care and love him. So, I’m trying NOT to get angry, sad or upset. Seems silly but if I’m ever going to fall out of love I have to consciously do these things. I don’t actually WANT to be in an unrecipicated relationship with anyone. So, this weekend while he was off having dalliances with what ever women he met, I was trying to forget… It’s not that easy for me. Some days I wish it was and today is one of those days.

I’ll just consider my unproductive weekend rest for my week ahead and be ok with it. Hope you all had a nice weekend and here’s to a great week.

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June Challenge Day 11

My weekend is… different. Such strange conversations. Tonight there was a great conversation about what sexy means to each of us. Some answers were generic and some where a bit weird. I’m sure mine were somewhere in between. Some of these will be regurgitated from previous posts but some might be new. The ones I shared were these…
While a man with confidence is sexy so is a man who shows vulnerability and admits weakness.
The view of his forearm pinned me down.
The hug from behind with his breath on my neck.
Putting a blanket on me when I’m cold.
Repeating something I’ve said a while back that I never intended that person to remember.
Having a great nickname for me.
Looking me directly in the eyes without flinching or looking away.
Looking out for my safety in any way.
Swiping a lone eyelash from my cheek.
Being in control.
Reading to me.
Putting them so close to me that I have to touch them.

Okay, so maybe they’re not all generic things but just the things I’ve noticed lately. All this came about because I met a guy the other day. It was because of work and I didn’t want to be there but we’d started talked and he was really nice, a Marine, going to grad school and was just down here for the night dropping so stuff off. He was attractive, well spoken, didn’t come across as immature or egocentric. After the work task was done he’d asked if I wanted to go for drinks. I said sure since it was already late and my evening was screwed up anyway.

We went to this local bar that I’ve taken so many friends to just because it’s classy and not a total shit hole. We talked about a lot of different things and I enjoyed his company but the entire time I was just thinking “He doesn’t do this” or “He doesn’t do that”. The only thing that I really found attractive was the fact that even though his phone had gone off about 20 times he never once looked at it. Aside from that I just didn’t see any spark, there was no “Oh I wish this guy would touch me!” And considering I’ve been at an all time high as far as my “excited level” I thought that was telling. As we were leaving he’d asked about a hotel that he could stay at around where we were. He’d said it in such a way that he was almost asking if he could stay at my place. I just pointed him in the direction of the closest hotel and left things at that.

The next morning, assuming I’d never see this guy again, he came knocking on the back door at work because he’d forgotten to drop off some stuff. He laughed because I was in full professional clothes the day before for a meeting but that next day I was in a t-shirt, shredded jeans and converse shoes. He said he liked the day two outfit most. I laughed in my, “Oh my God, go away laugh”. That was that.

I’ve had the opportunity to “take care” of certain needs that I have a lot lately but keep turning the invitations down. I’m done with the FWBs and the instant gratifications because that’s not what I want. I find it immature and pointless. If it’s not going to lead to something better then what’s the point. Course, with that being said, it’s been way too long. I can’t believe I haven’t spontaneously combusted at this point. I think anyway, after the age of 29, that still has random, one-night stand sex is pretty immature and just giving it away for no reason. That would probably make my sexy list too, if a guy was to say that they’ve been celibate for a while. It’s too easy to get laid… The hard part is to say no. Who wants some slutty dude anyway?

Those are my thoughts and conversations for the day and now we’re on to my challenges…

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – Yes, like a fish.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about the place you would go right now, if you could go anywhere in the world: I went to Hawaii as a kid and remember the feeling of it being very relaxed there. I think I’d go there right now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What holiday are you grateful for? I guess Christmas and not because of the presents. It’s the one time of year that I get to see people I have seen in a while, my niece, my BFF. I also liked the last few that I got to spend time with THE friend on Christmas (except for last year). But it’s a day that is supposed to mean spending it with people that you care about and while him spending it with me was insignificant to him, to me it meant a lot. I was happy to be that person for him for that day. Who the hell knows what this year will have in store?

5. 30 Day Challenge – Name five of your weakness:
Hmmm, only five?
I am emotionally “challenged”
I go in my head way too much.
I don’t pay attention when I should.
I don’t have patience at all.
And, apparently, I fall in love with the wrong men, or man. The is a weakness right?

So there you have it… My day in words. Hope you’re having a nice weekend.

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June Challenge Day 10

The weekend has officially started off with a bang. Today has been a weird enough day. We had a guy quit on us the other day, at work. Today he came back to turn in his stuff and he’d come over to me before leaving and said that he’ll always consider that I am his sister, that I was beautiful and then kissed me on the head. Full disclaimer, I don’t actually like him much at all. He’s crazy loud, blames everyone else for his mistakes and is a huge hypocrite. So, my conclusion is that he’s just crazy.

That was probably the least crazy thing that happened today. All I do know is that I’d been asking all week “Where’s Friday!!!!!”. After it actually got here today I was just thinking about how fast 5 o’clock would get here. I didn’t even get to take my nap which should actually make me tired as hell at 3:07 am but I’m wide awake with not much to say. So, instead I’ll just sum up my challenges today.

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – Yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down one unhealthy thing that you do: Well, that would be smoking. I hate that I do it. It stinks, cost way too much and the obvious “it’s not healthy” part. I do want to quit but I don’t have any real motivation to do it. It’s a stress reliever for me, my last vice. But it also gets me away from uncomfortable situations.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What taste are you grateful for today? Water, fruit, my homemade faux mashed potatoes and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Name five of your strengths:
Problem Solver
Intelligence
Kindness
Strength
Perseverance

So, that’s today’s (technically yesterday since it’s past midnight) and I don’t really have much more to say. I hope you have a great weekend.

WomanStrong

June Challenge Day 9

1. Exercise – Yes, barely got it in but yes.

2. Water – Yep

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down a quote that motivates or inspires you: Well, if you come here a lot you already know that I like my quote graphics to sum up the day but out of all the one that I like the most is “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”. I don’t always follow that but I try to.

Some days it seems like all I do is try to make the best out of bad situation. I think I deserve to have a great situation. Of course, that’s just my opinion. It’s bad enough to want what you can’t have but lately I think that thought is getting to me more than it has before.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What place are you most grateful for? Some days I’m most grateful for my bed. Other days I have no clue where I’m thankful for.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Write about something you wish you were good at: Oh there’s so many things I wish I was good or better at…

I wish I was a better singer
I wish I could communicate better
I wish I knew how to roller skate
I wish I was a faster runner
I wish I was emotionally mature
I wish I was in love with someone that was also in love with me
I wish I was healthier
I wish I was a better writer
I wish I had more patience
I wish I felt appreciated more
I wish I… This could go on forever.

So this post is a bit down today. Mostly because of work but some not so much. My weekend is full and yet all I need to to chill and not do anything which doesn’t seem possible right now. The promise of better days at work has not come to fruition yet so I’m still waiting for that pass. But I’m still trying to learn how to “dance in the rain” while I’m waiting.

Life is partly made up of a lot of waiting. You’re waiting for a bottle, a ride, the weekend, to be 21, to be young again, for a husband or a lover. You wait for dinner, or a movie or in traffic. Now matter how you look at things you’re always waiting.

I wish the wait for things was over though… What do you wait for?

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June Challenge Day 3

1. Exercise – Yes! Even though I came right home and proceeded to take my very long nap, then go shopping, I still made it home in time to do 46 minutes. Sometimes I even surprise myself. In a good way.

2. Water – Yes. Still feeling like I’m swimming but at least I’m getting it in.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about one personality trait that you love about yourself and why: I know that it says “one” but I like a lot about my personality. I’m witty, sarcastic, fun, easy going, caring and quirky. Part of it’s in my sign but mostly I just make things up as I go. I also have this weird trait that allows most people to share things with me that they wouldn’t normally share. I’ve had so many strangers tell me the most intimate things. My secrets vault overflows a lot.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What color are you grateful for? Mostly I like blue. It’s my favorite color orchid (obviously). It’s the name of one of my favorite characters from a movie and it’s the color I find most sexy on a man.

5. 30 Day Random Challenge – What’s inside your purse? That’s a scary question. I have lots of lighters, cigarette packs (I’m going to quit I just need the right motivation), pens, stamps, lots of lipsticks, a bottle of water or two, medication… that’s about all I can remember right now but I’m sure there’s much much more.

So, our Friday’s at work are like Monday’s times two. They’re insane in the mornings and tend to taper off a bit but with the rain almost all day I was feeling so lethargic. By the time I got home all I wanted to do was bury myself in my bed and sleep, which I did. But when I woke up hours later I had gotten six texts all asking the question, “Hey what are you doing right now?” My first thought too all of them, coming out of my nap induced coma, was “it’s none of your business eff off”.

I’d decided I’d give myself a few moments to wake up first before replying. Mostly, my replies where, “sorry busy” but the ex had texted and wanted to get together tomorrow. I immediately got this twinge of annoyance. (I know I’m supposed to spend time with him this month) Instead of actually making a plan I said that I was out of town with family. I assumed this give him an explanation that he needed to be scarce for a couple days at least. However, the next text I got was “Can I meet you there?”

In my mind I’m thinking, “Um, WHAT?” So I replied and said no and this back and forth lasted a while longer but it ended when he dropped the “L word”. I quickly shut that conversation down. I’m not sure it’s enough to keep him away for a while but we shall see.

The truth is, part of me is in disbelief that this sweet, sexy, “got it together” guy does have as much love for me as he does AND the fact that he’s not scared to show me or tell me that either is a huge bonus. But it’s a tell tale sign that the moment I see his name pop up on my phone my eyes automatically start to roll. That’s not a good sign. And even though I’ve been completely honest with all my feelings or lack there of but truth is it’s nice to know that someone out there has those feelings whether it be the one I want them from or not.

I like the sexual banter and the flirtation but I know that if there was a good enough reason for me to stop it all completely then I would but until then I just keep avoiding this. I’m not even sure, at this point, if I’m scared of what it COULD lead to or what.

So it’s 2 am and I’m contemplating the dating life, yet again, for an ex that doesn’t give me chills, goose bumps or even make me excited to be around him. He doesn’t offer comfort, safety or passion. What he does offer is predictability, security and possibly the most boring life ever.

I read this article today that when you open up and say you love someone you are also saying that you love their flaws or faults as well. The ex’s flaws or faults annoy me already. There’s nothing to love there. And yet again it leads me back to the fact that I have human A.D.D. and there’s only one person that I love his flaws and faults just as much as him. Well, maybe not AS MUCH as him but I love those things about him too. I’m a lost cause at this point, I think. Oh well… That is my life.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Blue orchid with buds on a black background

Blue orchid with buds on a black background

June Challenge Day 2

1. Exercise – An hour today which I really didn’t think I could get through. I was so tired and have been for a couple days. Way to go hormones but my need to complete my exercise won out in the end.

2. Water – Today I find this challenge more ironic than anything because I’m in Houston and the one thing we are NOT lacking is water. But yes, I got all my water in today. I do hate having to pee ever hour on the hour but I have seen some good things already out of this.

3. Write about one physical feature that you love about yourself and why – I like my eyes the most. Eyes are the windows to the soul and, on a good day, I’ve been know to bat a few lashes and catch some attention. It’s not really something I’ve done lately but it’s there none-the-less. They are the perfect shape for shadowing. They are the perfect green color and they’ve seen things that are so beautiful. Apparently I blink a lot. I’m not really sure if that’s a good or bad thing or neither. I had someone tell me that years ago who I’d never spoken to before. We ended up randomly talking for hours that same day. So, I guess they catch attention when needed.

4. What technology are you grateful for? Anything that produces beautiful music and anything that allows me to hear that music. I’m sure with all the concerts that I’ve been to I’ll probably be grateful for hearing aids later but now it’s music.

5. What is your nickname and why? Princess is a nickname that I got stuck with a while ago and while it’s intent might seems like a bit of an insult it actually stems from being the only female at my job. And yes, I’d be the one with the scented candles and the lotions but it just kinda stuck. Actually I think it goes back to my ex somewhere but my work is where it became popular. My best friend calls me Sunshine, which also stemmed from my complete and total resistance to be in a good mood first thing in the morning. I call her moonshine. It’s disgustingly cute.

I’ve talked about this before but I adore nicknames as long as their cute or have some sort of emotional attachment. Some people I’ve nicknamed just because I felt the need. One of my oldest guy friends is called Asshat and our term of endearment is we both tell each other that we hate the other person. It’s our version of the “L word” without actually saying it. My boss was nicknamed the “wanna be rock star” because he still wears ripped jeans, rhinestone shirts and goes to the strangest concerts. And lastly, you know I couldn’t go this whole post without some sort of mention, THE friend was nicknamed CK a while back because he’s got one photo where he dressed as Clark Kent and looked amazing. I’m not sure he knows that and we don’t really have nicknames for each other when we’re together. That needs to change. I don’t like that.

So those are my challenges for today and I can’t tell you how excited I am that tomorrow is Friday. What I WANT to do this weekend is take a long nap Friday, go see a movie maybe try something new this weekend. What I’ll actually do is a mystery to me. I might actually TRY to be a productive member of society but I am supposed to go have lunch with my psychic, Shaman friend sometimes because she’s got some new amazing insight for me. I told her I didn’t want to hear anything else about THE friend and I because it was all false hope and I don’t need to hear that. Her response was, “We’ll see”. That doesn’t sound too promising but everything else she ever said came true but the one thing that I really wanted to come true. Life is funny that way isn’t it?

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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June Challenge time… and maybe some random thoughts.

May wasn’t a perfect month for my challenge but I’m ok with that. Since then I’ve been pinning the crap out of any “30 day challenge” that I find. I’ve told you my slight pinning addiction before right? Well, these are the things that I’ve come up with for June:

1. Exercise – This I’m going to try to do 30 minutes at minimum every day. On most days I don’t have a problem with this but when THE friend is here I just realize how much I want to lounge and spend time with him. However, if he wants this to be more of a roommate type of situation then I need to find the time to do my routines with him here or not. I did manage to do five times a week for a month so adding two more days won’t be much more. Since I’m not training for a marathon anytime soon who needs a rest day?

2. Water Intake – I’ve been feeling dehydrated for a while now and had the worst muscle spasm the other night. So I will be upping my water intake. Since it’s usually the only thing I drink aside from my morning cup of coffee I don’t think it SHOULD be hard but obviously it has been before.

These next three are ones that I’ve found online. The first is the “Love Yourself Challenge”, the second is the “30 days of Gratitude Challenge” and the fifth is the random “30 day Challenge”. Those are the three that I found on pinterest. So I’ll finish with those toward the bottom.

There’s a few reasons why these are so good for me. I get so caught up in work sometimes that I find myself making these random “to-do” lists before I go to sleep. This is why I need to knock myself out with some form of a sleep inducing something whether it be a tea, a pill or the sound of rain. I also feel like I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes for doing the things that make others feel better. I started to realize that it’s none of my business what others feel, just me.

You all know how I feel about those “seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day” to make you an emotionally healthy person. Well, maybe I can give some of those to myself. Not the kisses cause that would just be weird and probably the hugs too.

I guess, for now, this blog will become my hub for my monthly challenges because it’s turned out that my dating life isn’t really much to write about. Now, with that said, I’ve also decided that aside from the daily challenges I will also add five things to do within the month. My five things are:
– Do one thing I’ve never done before.
– Be more open and loving.
– Spend time with the ex at least twice.
– Take an online class for something that I want to learn.
– Donate another lot of clothes that I don’t wear anymore.

So those are just things that will randomly happen within the month. I will sum up my challenges today, so far.

1. Exercise – I did 41 minutes and I did not think that was going to happen. First, my trek home was impeded by a large fallen tree which blocked off my street then I got caught by the government census guy. But he was actually coo and invited me to a charity event on Saturday. That might be a thing I take the ex to because I don’t really like going to those things by myself.

2. Water – I’ve drank my appropriate water for the day and now I feel like a fish.

3. Write about yourself – include physical characteristics. Well, as most of you know I’m a British girl living in a Texas world. I was literally born inside of a pub. We moved to Saudi Arabia for a short time then to the states. I like my heritage. I don’t have an accent but I wish I did. However if I tried to I’d just sound like an even worse version of Madonna and no one wants that. My first passion is music. I work in a mans world and can hold my own. My sarcasm is salted throughout all my good deeds so I seem like a cold hard bitch. I’ve had some pretty shitty things happen in my life and they screwed me up for some time but I grew and I learned who I was and tried to use those experiences to improve myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m in love with a boy from my past that’s become my present and I can only hope that he’s part of my future but if it wasn’t for him I think this blog might be entirely different.

As for my physical characteristics I tell you about the parts of me that I like. I like my legs, my eyes and lips and I like my butt. Nothing about me will ever be perfect but I can appreciate things about me that have not only gotten the most compliments but that I like about myself. I also like that I’m tall and on a good day, I like my hair.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What smell are you grateful for today? The word smell to me has somewhat of a negative connotation after spending a few days with THE friend and his wicked gas. There was actually a moment while we were buried in a blanket on the couch and after he’d proceeded to rapid fire the after-shocks of what happens when he eats dairy that I accidentally dutch oven’ed myself trying to hid under the blanket for cover.

However, when I think of nice smells I think of vanilla, lavender and strawberries. I think of freshly washed sheets or towels. Vanilla, if you weren’t aware is an aphrodisiac smell and since it’s my favorite smell I try not to have those candles burning when THE friend is here because there’s really no reason for me to get more turned on when the payout is separate beds at the end of the night. I also really like the smell of fresh cilantro. At the top of all of that though is the Noel Vanilla bean candle from Bath and Bodyworks and Johnson’s baby bedtime lotion. I could live with those two smells for the rest of my life. Lastly though, and this might be gross but after THE friend has been here and if I’m feeling especially sad or something I like to sleep with the blanket that he’s used because it smells like him. Someone else just said it smelled like body odor but apparently I really am attracted to his pheromones.

5. Put your playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs that play and if you have any memories about them – this should be interesting I’ve got lots of weird things but I will not cheat.
1. New Years Day By: Abandon
2. Valerie Loves Me By: Material Issue
3. 503 By: Joshua Bell & Hans Zimmer
4. La Mer By: Nine Inch Nails – So many concerts and such great memories.
5. X Amount of Words By: Blue October – I was friends with Justin before they got big and we used to hang out at this coffee shop downtown. His songs remind me of a different time when I was a different person. That’s as far as I’ll take that memory for now.
6. Strange By: Tori Amos – Tori and the organizations that she supports got me through some really tough times in my life. Years later, it led me to offer my volunteer services to someone else to help them get through their worst moments of life as well. I will always remember that.
7. Over By: A Perfect Circle – A great concert in the rain right after a breakup.
8. Biting Down By: Lorde
9. Kissing You By: Nellee Hooper
10. Black Beauty By: Lan Del Rey

And those are my thoughts and challenges for today. I thank you for sticking by and indulging in my thoughts, words and memories. Some days I feel like I’m a broken record and then realize that this is me, right now. If you have any challenges you’re into let me know. I’d love to keep this up.

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