June Challenge Day 14

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Go to bed early and write about how you feel the next day. Well, I’m kind of cheating on this one because when I do go to bed early I usually feel like crap the next day and never want to wake up at all. So, I’m going to just assume I already know how this works out.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What sight are you grateful for today? Art from Leonid Afremov, Orchids especially blue one’s (if you find one please send it to me), lightning storms, smiles but true ones not fake smiles. I’m grateful for the sight of my friends, my niece and my paycheck. 🙂

5. 30 Day Challenge – Do I have any special talents? I used to play the piano but I’ve forgotten most of it. I’m a very good investigator in all things. I’m good at fixing other peoples problems. I have a special talent of telling people the truth without it sucking too much?…

So I wrote this whole other thing the other day about love and appreciating the lives around you. But the more and more I wrote the more angry I was getting at the state of the world. I’d posted it for about a day then drafted it because it didn’t convey what I wanted it to. I might re-do and post but in a quick summation of what my point was I just want everyone to be kinder and more appreciative of those around them. One day they might not be anymore. Life, situations or destiny has a way of taking things, people, away from us when we least expect it. Don’t take one single day, or person or action for granted. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Just stop being afraid to do things for someone or to tell them how you feel. We can’t control everything but isn’t it better, at the end of the day, to have said, “At least I tried” and you’ll never regret that part.

This world has saddened me and it almost feels unfair to be happy. Too many people are taken away from us… It doesn’t feel fair right now. But I will paint on a smile and be kind to those around me even when it feels like I can’t breath some days.

Just, be kind to one another. It is always better to have died being loved by many than being a martyr for few. Support humans and stop segregating anyone. That’s my truth tonight. You are loved more than you know.

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Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.

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Throwing Out Some Therapy…

I’ve told you all that I like to read and learn things right? Well, in my journey to be a better and more understanding person, I’ve read lots of books on mental health, psychology, PTSD and grief. Know why? Because A LOT of shit has happened to me in my life that wasn’t great and also to a lot of people that I know. I like to act as a therapist sometimes especially when I can see someone hurting and know that I might be able to do something about it. Today, I got to throw out some therapy which I was surprised was so well received.

The day started early (for me) while planning out my week of health and then it was off to my friend and insurance agents home for my monthly hair “trim”. There’s a lady that used to be a high end stylist till she realized that her clients were a-holes so she decided to leave that and just keep her family and friends as clients so once a month she travels to a bunch of homes and does her thing. Because I’ve always done something to my hair, color, straighten or heat the crap out of it, it’s been pretty over processed in the past but since I’ve been seeing her it’s so much healthier. But this time I wanted a change. It’s been slowly getting back to it’s natural color but that wasn’t enough. Today, I just decided to have her chop off half a foot. Sounds much more drastic that way than saying six inches doesn’t it?

She kept asking, “Are you sure? You really want to do this?”. Well, since she’s know me I’ve been the long, long haired really blonde girl but my response to her was, “Yep, it’s hair. It’ll grow back”. However, women get very emotionally attached to their hair. But with that said it was very cathartic to chop so much off. I felt like some of the bad shit that’s happened had been removed a bit. It’s healthier. I look younger and it’s kinda cute.

The reason I brought that up was because I was explaining the process of getting rid of things and then turned the conversation to my friend, the insurance broker. She’s much older than me but we’ve always gotten along because we don’t bullshit each other. I first met her probably a decade ago and she was happily married to an amazing man. It was just the two of them and a whole lotta dogs. After about a year or so something changed in her husband and he became so drastically depressed. She knew it was a warning sign and she tried everything to do what she could but he was so far gone that one day he decided to brutally take his own life, in the bedroom.

She saw everything. She witnessed the aftermath of the bedroom and him after the most selfish thing he’d done. I can’t imagine, not just losing someone whom you consider the love of your life, but to witness the carnage left behind. Sometimes humans shock me in the most honest, vulnerable yet strong ways ever with how she handled things. 

For a long time she was pushing back all her emotions and she’d even admitted later that if she didn’t carry so much Jewish guilt over suicide she might have followed him. She battles daily with the thought that he’s no longer here. She stayed in the house, had some things redone but his presents is everywhere in that home. She holds so much emotional attachment and anger towards him that I’ve tried many times to explain to her that she needs to release that anger or it will kill her from the inside out.

So there we were today, in her kitchen with our hair stylist and half a foot of my hair is dropping all around me. I was surprisingly calm and I looked at her face and she was just in shock. I explained to her that part of the Buddhist philosophy (not that I’m 100% there) was about dropping your emotional attachments to things and people. Letting go… You’ve all heard the phrase, “Let go and let God” right? Well the Buddhist believe that while we carry these ‘investments’ in tangible items we’re shorting our lives for their true worth.

I didn’t get that corny about it but this was all for more than just releasing her husband. She’d started dating someone a while ago and for the first time in the years since her husband past, this guy is truly a great guy. I don’t mean he had money or a great job, I have no clue about that stuff, but what I do know is this man takes care of her and forces her to let his. She’s a tough strong woman and rarely has relied on someone else and especially NOT a man. So, I asked for one thing for my birthday since she wanted to get me something. I’d asked her to take something that was her husbands that meant a lot and put it away for 30 days. Out of sight.

At this point, I really thought she was going to tell me to eff off. But I could see what her near issue would be. Her new man wanted to move it and she was going to have a huge issue getting rid of her past. All I wanted her to do was to put it away for just a short time. It’s more about moving past those things and it’s really hard to do that while ever corner you turn there’s another reminder. There is literally 90% of that home that reminds her of him. But shockingly enough, she actually did it. I think her action was less about me than about her finally wanting to move on.

I’d also asked her to do one other thing. This, to me, was the most important. She was to write her husband a letter. This would be a letter releasing every single emotion she’s still holding on to, the anger, the sadness and the guilt. She’s been given till the next time we meet to write this letter. Then it’ll be her choice whether to burn it or keep it but in my experience the burning of the letter symbolizes more about letting things go than anything but it’s her choice.

It’s strange but such a simple act of me cutting my hair may have helped someone who’s been suffering for the longest time with things that are out of her control and things that she can’t change. I pray that this lightens her life just a bit so she can totally and completely let the new guy in.

Now, if I can only take my own advice at times. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t feel like there’s such a wall between me and the people I care about the most. I’m working on one thing at a time but today made me realize that much more how much I need a man in my life that can take over for me when I’m feeling weak. I think I said it best in this previous post Letter To My Future Husband Sometimes, even when we’re not ok, helping others is the best way to get there. I need to remember that every single day.

And that, my friends, was my excruciatingly long post for today. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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When words seem to fail…

There are three phrases in the English language that seem to lose meaning after a while. “Thank you”, “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. Either they’re used too much and love is referred to when speaking of something meaningless like cheeseburgers or they’re used too little or quite possibly too quietly. I tend to under-use all those phrases or mumble them under my breath because sometimes those words aren’t enough to justifiably describe how I’m feeling.

So it turns out that I can be surprised, in a good way. Humans can still shock me a bit, although he’s not a typical human. He’s probably one of the most perplexing, emotionally jumbled, strangely astute and perfectly imperfect humans that I know. Our relationship is both daunting and draining yet emotionally charged and wonderful all in the same breath. Of all the people I’ve known in my life, no one has ever had the impact on my emotional soul like he and it pisses me off!

That’s actually not true, all the time. Sometimes it’s wonderful because these are new ways of thinking or feeling for me. Tonight I am glad to have this blog because usually, in our perplexing existence with each other, after we have an argument or something great that happens I usually end up sending some emotional vomit disguised as a letter or text but as I said before, I’m done with my old ways. Instead of putting it out there for him to see, which makes him roll his eyes and be uncomfortable or knowing that there’s always a great possibility that he’ll never read it because he’s got the attention span of a hamster, I’m putting it out here.

I’m looking around my home today and realizing that this is his way of care, love and thanks. He’s cleaned and rearranged everything, all while cooking dinner last night while I was sleeping feeling like crap. This is the reason why, over the last couple years, that no one else has had this place in my heart. He knows me. More than I’d like to admit. His care and concern comes across like the brutal sting of a rose thorn but with the beauty of the rose. I have to take a minute to let the sting wear off before noticing the beauty sometimes but when I do, I have no words. This is where words fail me.

Saying “Thank you” is lost on so many. It’s an immediate response for little things. And, like saying any word, it looses its meaning. Saying “I’m sorry” but continuing to do the same action that caused the apology makes the apology less than stellar and some what meaningless. Finally, “I love you”. This is probably the most underused phrase in my vocabulary. I use it sparingly because it’s meaning is so powerful to me. I grew up never hearing those words and will probably breath my last breathe without hearing that phrase pass some of my family’s lips and I’m ok with that. But because of that, when I do tell people it’s because I truly do.

So “thank you”. I could throw out this term to him to verbalize my appreciation of his actions but I believe in actions over words. I will offer my thanks in actions, just not sure how yet. The “I’m sorry” that he gives me after he’s upset me, this one is a bit strange. I know why he does and says things and I know that his ways are usually delivered with a sting but I am accepting of this. It’s going to upset me, maybe piss me off or even make me cry. That’s the hardest part for me. Never in my life has someone’s words affected me to the point that it’s made me cry. I’m sure there’s some BS that I could read about that basically says it’s the people that mean the most to you that have the capacity to hurt you the worst but his words aren’t intentionally laced with sharp blades it’s more about the fact that I let those blades cut me. He thinks I have thin skin, which is only true with him. I am an assertive control freak at work, in life, everywhere that he is not with me. But my guard is down with him. I don’t know why and I understand that is a role that he never applied for. His “I’m sorrys” are appreciated but I never want him to walk on egg shells around me, I don’t want him to change and I don’t ask that he be different with me. I think we’re both still learning how to be with each other though. It’s a process.

Lastly, the “I love you”. I’ve never verbally spoken these words to him. The times he’s said it can be counted on more than one hand but again, he’s a bit careless with that phrase. There are so many times when it’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t say it out loud. There’s also many times when I feel the need to just have him touch me. It’s as if he’s so close sitting next to me and all of a sudden, I see this image of me just reaching out and grabbing his hand or kissing his cheek and yet I sit still or just bundle up in my cocoon of safety and move a bit further away. Some days it’s excruciatingly painful to realize that I feel for this guy more than anyone before and sometimes I feel like those feelings are what keeps us from being 100 percent honest with each other. He’s afraid of hurting me and I’m afraid of making him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of giving me the wrong idea and I’m afraid he thinks I have the wrong idea. It seems that we’re both just two kids that are afraid of feeling too much or too little or of hurting or of losing.

I fear that one night on a bit too much to drink one of us will just spill what the other one is thinking or feeling then, like the tube of toothpaste test, we’d never get anything back inside. Maybe that would be a good thing. Some days I feel like we’re two emotionally stunted teenagers, that are dealing with adult situations and emotions. Some days it’s hard but other days it’s nice. Some days I like our bubble we share together and other days it feels like I’m suffocating between a life I want and the life I have. Some days I feel like his angel and other days I feel like he’s my savior. Right now, I’m not sure what I feel but I realize that when I have dated men I’ve never really written about them. When I was dating my ex, I just stopped writing here all together and I stopped talking about my relationships to my friends. My flaw is I shut down. I crawl inside my head and it takes the strength of a thousand men to pull me out.

I don’t always like that I’m so secretive. It’s never intentional and now my friends usually know they’ll get the “I don’t want to talk about it” answer when they ask about my life. I fear that I’d spill everything to him though, for some reason but he chooses not to ask. I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t care or because he doesn’t want to know the answer. He doesn’t know about the ex, the proposal or the most of the other stuff. In fact, the only person who does know about that is our mutual friend and I’m still not sure what he said that got me to spill the secrets. I’ve been told on lots of occasions that I need to open myself up. He still knows two of the darkest secrets I have. I don’t know if he realizes that it took a lot for me to confide in him those things. Not sure he even remembers what those secrets were.

None of this matters though. I look around my home tonight and am happy because I know he’s been here but sad because I don’t know when he’ll be back. This is why I make sure all his stuff is gone when he leaves because I don’t like the reminders that I’d let him stay here forever if he needed or wanted to.

I’ve given in to my confused mind tonight and will drift off to sleep soon. Hope you’re having a great week so far. Sorry for the long post.

My Love Will Never Die By: Hozier

When words fail music speaks