I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.
Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.
A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.
Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.
So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.
Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?
Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.
After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.
I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.
I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.
It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.
It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.
Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.
Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.
I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.
That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.
I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.
I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.
That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx