Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowingly entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time (words out of the guitarist mouth). bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.

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The things I still like…

So, I’m just gonna break the rules and say that this weekend has been great so far. My rule is usually, don’t say anything because the moment the universe finds out you’re happy it tries to kill all the happiness but I don’t care. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that.

I went to a friends house who was having a large party but not one of those annoying frat type parties. There was a little bit of politics, a little bit of drinking, some pool playing, a band and a lot of fun. It was also unplanned for me. This is the part where I tell you the things I still like.

A few nights ago an old friend did the midnight pop in… Which I still like, a lot. We sat outside for a long while and I didn’t even care that I had to work in the morning. We talked and got reacquainted. He brought me this weird perfume. He said it was a mixture of mysterious, sultry and vanilla which reminded him of me so he thought he’d come by. So, surprises and unexpected drop ins – check.

Now back to the party. I was a little nervous at first because I wasn’t sure I’d know anyone but him but when I got there there were two others that I knew but I soon forgot about them. When I walked in I was immediately drawn to the band because I miss live music so much especially in the rawness that only comes when it’s just a fun, “lets have some drinks and just jam” kind of way.

So, there I was standing there in my rock t-shirt, jeans and all-star chucks with my newly blonded hair and my eyes went straight to the drummer. I’m not usually a fan of the drummers more the lead singers or guitarists but there he was with his short dark hair, tanned skin and facial hair that was a bit messy. He was in his black tank top and jeans and vans… We later had a discussion how it would never work out between us because he was a vans guy and I was a chucks girl BUT we’ll get to that later.

So I chatted with a lot of people all while sitting on the edge of the couch sipping on a solitary beer for a while as they were playing all the greatest hits of the 80’s rock bands. When they finally stopped I was chatting with my friend who’s house it was and the drummer came over to us. We were introduced and it was just awesome after that. First, I noted that he was about 5 foot 10 which was ok and I also noted that he had the body type of someone that probably works out but not enough to take care of the last five pounds around his waste which again, I’m fine with.

We started chatting about where each were from, what we do for a living and surprisingly he has a very 9 to 5’er job which he has to wear suits to Monday-Friday… I still like a well dressed man but one who can also look great comfortably too. After about an hour (that flew by) we decided to go outside where there was another group of people but these were a bit more drunk than the ones inside. We sat to the side on this make-shift cooler bench and my “I still likes” just kept coming.

He was full of compliments but not the fake or generic kind. He complimented things that I said, little things he’d noticed and just random things. We actually covered a lot of stuff that I don’t discuss with anyone. He was welcoming to talk to, open and wasn’t afraid to disagree with me and have a good reason why. He kept great eye contact, like the kind that’s used when you’re really listening to someone and he has a great sense of humor mostly based of sarcasm which is the second language that I speak.

He loves dogs but doesn’t have one because he’s not home enough which is exactly why I can’t bring myself to get another one. He asked a lot of the right questions because he actually wanted the answers to and not because he thought he should or it would make him look better. He’s Catholic, which is apparently a thing for me but not extremely religious. Basically only on the important holidays. He’s more spiritual and offered to teach me how to meditate without losing my mind.

He was kind, offering to help this one girl who was way passed wasted to either find a bedroom to pass out in or a ride home. She opted for the ride home and he’d asked if I wanted to go with. Sadly, she only lived about 10 minutes away but it was nice to see him outside of the awesome chaoticness that was that house. Once there, he’d gotten her keys and made sure she was inside, on a bed with a trashcan and a glass of water. That was impressive because it means he’s a natural nurturer. He immediately seemed like a man that wanted to take care of people out of kindness not out of obligation and someone who would, not so much force his help on you but calmly explain why you just couldn’t say no to him.

After about 40 minutes of being gone from the party we returned. It had actually died down quite a bit. Maybe a third of the people had left and it was a lot quieter. He walked in asked what I wanted to drink and came back with two in hand. My friend, this new guy and I sat on a corner couch and just talked for a while with the friends sister. We laughed, joked and my friend tried to embarrass me by telling stories from way-back-when but I don’t embarrass that easily and the new guy thought some of the stories where cute anyway.

My friend looked at his phone a while later and realized that it was almost 3 in the morning and he decided to go to sleep, I decided that it was pretty late and grabbed my stuff to leave. This new guy walked me out. He said he wasn’t tired and wouldn’t mind a bit more one on one chatting which I was totally ok with but it was at that point that I realized neither of us had even looked at our phones since we’d met hours before and that was a great feeling.

We sat on the grass in the front yard for what seemed like ever but only a moment. Strange how that happens. I didn’t think there would be much more for us to discuss but I was wrong. He actually got very personal which I found strangely attractive. He told me about his father’s passing which was a few years ago and how he’d gone into a deep depression during that time. He said that he still felt that way a lot and tried to work on it with how he lived his life because he didn’t want to take anything. Yet, another thing he and I have in common.

I explained that I’d been feeling stuck, depressed and bored with life and I didn’t know what to do. We both used the word “disconnected” and I found that interesting. And then he said the most honest thing to me… He said, “I know the depression is still there tonight but I haven’t needed to acknowledge it because I’ve been way to into being around you. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I hope that it doesn’t scare you but I don’t really want that feeling to go away.”

I sat there for a moment and didn’t say anything because I felt like I needed to form my words. Then I replied by telling him that he was right and that it did scare me that he said that but I was flattered in the same breath. I told him that I felt like he was a distraction from the world that night but that I wasn’t ready to say those things in return. Which he laughed at and said he’s been know to be intense but I think that’s what I need right now. I need someone who’s intense.

I then explained my aversion to all things emotional, that I suck at communication and that it might not matter how I felt about him, he might just never hear from me again. It all depended on “things” in my life. Then we talked about the fact that that might have just been “one of those nights” that you need in your life in that very moment and that maybe it’s not supposed to be anything more or less but a memory.

There was one perfect moment that I noted a kiss should have happened. We’re alone outside, connecting, the fall air is salted with a sliver of coolness and at the very moment that I felt like it was going to happen… Guess what I do? I stand up, get my keys out and say that I’ve just realized the sky is getting brighter which means it’s almost sunrise and I need to go home. I fucked it up! If I would have wanted anything different from him I would have wanted him to just go for it anyway. It’s been way too long since I’ve been kissed with one of those, “I have to do this right now” kisses. He was a gentleman though.

As much as I wanted to have sex with him that night, it would have ruined the moment I think, or the opposite happens. When you connect with someone on such a deep level, then you have sex it can sometimes cement the deal. There’s something about swapping spit or other things that makes the other person have the feelings of falling in love with you… I don’t know. I read that a lot. I can not guarantee if I see him again though that I’d be able to resist.

He gave me a great, big hug instead, kissed me on the nose (which I love) and closed my door. I could see him stand there until I was out of view before going inside and then I had that drive home that you just relive everything all over again and again. It was exciting. He was exciting. I needed that. I needed to have a moment that I could think about over and over again while falling asleep. I needed that kind of attention, attraction, connection. I’ve not felt connected to anyone in a very long time and it came at a perfect time.

I came home and slept for just a few hours before having to get up to have lunch with a friend but regardless of my minuscule sleep I have been invigorated all day. When I got to my friend’s house she asked if I had had some really great sex because I had a smile and a glow that she’d not seen in a while. I told her no and just said that I’d had a fun night last night and that was all. It was left at that so she could tell me about all her drama and stress. By the time I got home tonight I was still excited but exhausted. I fell asleep thinking about the way things “might” have gone if I wasn’t me last night and I wanted to stay in that dream state. But I didn’t and went out for dinner which was brought home.

Right now, I’m being way to logical in thinking that it wasn’t him that’s making me feel like this but just having that experience, unexpected and breaking out of my boredom. I don’t even know if I’ll see him again but at least I have that night to get me through a few more months of the same crap. There were so many things that he did right and probably so many things that I did wrong but I’m leaving it at this, “If this is meant to be anything more than what it was then we’ll see each other again and no one else will make me feel like that till then”. It’s my way of letting fate lead the way, which she does anyway.

I’m off to sleep but had to write all this down so I don’t forget the moment and how the moment made me feel. I am grateful for connections tonight, long overdue connections.

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When Is Enough, Enough? And my jumbled thoughts.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.

My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.

I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.

So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.

He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…

Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.

After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?

On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.

So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.

I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.

The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!

Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.

Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.

I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.

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What is love and setting things free…

Speaking in the eloquent words of Haddaway (from the 90’s) “What is love?”. Is it the desperation of two dim witted brothers from Night at the Roxbury attempting to act cool? Is it a person, place or thing? Animal, mineral or vegetable? The next words in the song are, “Baby don’t hurt me!” and there’s a reason for that.

Love is something that means something different to everyone. To some, they see an item, remember a song or watch a movie and that’s a reminder of a certain kind of love to them. But moving to another song, “Love don’t cost a thing” or at least it shouldn’t right? But from the moment we all “love” something, anything, it’s possible it could cost us everything.

There are times when you let love go for either the reason that it’s not the healthiest kind of love or to see if it returns. There are times when you put love on hold so you can pursue other things in life. Then there are times when love is just forgotten or buried deep within so you can let someone else have their joy.

Not everyone is meant to have everything they want nor need. That’s the story of life, love included. If we always got what we wanted wouldn’t we just want more? Do we ever actually appreciate the things when we have them? Or are we such a society where instant gratification is a standard that no one really knows what the hell we want or need anymore anyway?

Why am I being so introspective today? For many reasons. First, you all know the struggles I’ve had with a “friend” in my life. It’s now been a month and a half or so since we’ve seen each other and I have a fear or a deep down knowledge that it’ll be a lot longer than that, if we ever actually do, see each other again.

When our sabbatical from each other first started I knew that it was because he’d found someone to replace his time with. My initial reaction was one of hope for him. He wants a family and regardless of the feelings that I have for him and knowing that he’d never have those wants with me, I had a glimmer of hope that maybe this was someone that he would be happy to finally have that with. My second reaction, albeit a close second, was that I knew this would be another longer interim of him not “needing” me and therefore no need to want to see me. I hated that I was right.

So a long silence from both of us occurred. His end was because he was busy forgetting the people that had helped him over the last few years and he was enjoying life with a new person. My end was two fold. One, I suppose it was a bit of a test to see what would happen and when he’d reach out, if he did. The second was to let him have his space to be happy. We’d been fighting a lot. It started to seem daunting for him to make time for us so there’s nothing left to do at that point but to let someone go and not to bother them at all.

The next thing was the “coming back”. If this was to happen what would be the reason? That sounds silly right? Why should there be any other reason to see a friend other than because you miss them? Obvious right? Wrong! In his attempt to meet up again, there was nothing about “miss you”, “can’t wait to see you” or “I want to spend time together”. Nope, none of that.

Let me interject a story here. I’ve taken lots of classes for different things because of my job. One of my first jobs was a customer service roll which I had to take a customer service class and the first thing they teach you is that, no matter what good things you have to say to someone the only focus will be on the worst thing. Basically if I was to say to you, “Your hair looks amazing but your clothes look like shit.” You soon forget that I had anything nice to say to you at all.

Back to the “lets hang out” conversation. There was a whole lot of empty filler and then the actual reason or request for why he had chosen to reach out to me after a long sabbatical. If this was the first, second or even third time this had happened it might be ok because, where he’s concerned, I’ve learn to have a fuck-load of patience but it’s been too many times to count. It would be different if I’d never brought up this concern to him before but I have. Numerous times. In fact, my exact words were this, “You make me feel like a loyal trusty dog”. This was obviously due to the fact that I have always been here for him.

I’ve put in time, love and money into a one sided friendship that was so easy for him to cast away, all while saying things like “You’re my BFF.” “I love and care about you more than most”. When you immediately follow all those things up with silence until you need something you’ve completely voided any goodness those things once offered and yet again, made someone feel like a loyal trusty dog.

The issues that I have are these: First, I promised to ALWAYS be there but at what cost? There’s truly nothing I can do about these feelings I have for him and I’ve tried everything. I’ve never, in my life, been a pushover nor a doormat. I’ve never thought twice about letting go of people that weren’t healthy but I’ve also never felt like I only had a friend when then needed me for something or when they were bored with life and I was a last resort. So, I have no clue what to do.

Here is where my head and my heart are at odds with each other and apparently God as well. My heart says, “He’ll always hold a special place in here whether he wants to or not but he’ll always break your heart”. My head says, “What the fuck are you doing? You are so much better than feeling less than amazing. If he missed you, he’d see you. Period. If he missed you he’d say it. Period. If you weren’t “replaceable” you’d never have been replace nor lied to about it”. God, on the other hand, is still sending me emails in my dreams WITH HIS MOTHER AND SISTER. This is so unfair.

This seems like it should be such an easy task to accomplish but having self respect, I know that I have to listen to my head right? Or is the problem that I’ve never listen to my heart before and it’s about time? Or do I listen to God, and his Mother and Sister?

The last thing I’ll ask about this topic, as it’s obviously been weighing on me, is this…

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

But if it comes back with an asterisk and it’s not yours and never has been does any of that even apply?

There was once a time, in our friendship, that there wasn’t any asterisks and there was never any question. There was actually a time when I knew or thought I knew that he was fighting for a friendship here that had surpassed over two decades and would last forever but now, I just feel like he’s forgotten the friendship completely. There was once a time when I believe his words, “I look forward to repaying your kindness” and now I feel like he’s just using my kindness.

Last night I prayed that God ask him to show me that he actually cares about the person behind the kindness. I have a feeling that I will be waiting for a very long time for that, if I ever see any fight left in him. I have always tried to look at our situation through both our eyes and I wish that he would, just once, do the same for me.

I’ve at least gathered my thoughts up enough to write it all down here in hopes that it all gets out of my head. I really want life to prove me wrong, just once. Just… Once…

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