Weird Emotions and Full Moons… Again.

Had a great night tonight for a few reasons. First, I got to see live music which always makes me happy but also I got to talk to one of my favorite people for almost 3 hours. He’s my “brother from another mother” friend. I also hung out with THE friends too which was fun.

I have been feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin lately. I think it has to do with the full moon but who knows. I go out and it’s not enough. I stay in and just get too antsy. I’m driving myself crazy. I don’t know what this feeling is really accept for just an all too familiar feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend, my crazy sister friend and she didn’t understand. I don’t know what will calm this feeling anymore. It’s getting serious.

But one thing that always seems to help a bit is a nice drive listening to music or talking with a friend. Tonight, after the live music and after I dropped THE friend off, it was talking to my brother friend. He is and has been for so long someone that I can totally say, “I love him fully and unconditionally”. He’s smart and funny and literally always tells me the truth. Tonight was no exception.

I tend to tell him more about my life than anyone else I think. He knows the really shitty fucked up stuff that’s happened to me and he, now, knows some of the good things too. So he’s someone that I’ve told the entire story about the drummer too. This is the whole story from start to now and everything in between. No one else knows THAT much. I think I told him because I needed some advice and he’s the best at advice.

So let me tell you all here about why I need advice. The drummer is confusing, and I am confusing to him I guess. We started this “thing” of ours just over a year ago. In the beginning I knew there was this great connection but we didn’t have a future because he was taken. Move ahead almost nine months and he’s no long taken but yet somehow I never looked at him as available either. Then we start spending more time together and he’s saying these things like, “You’re the perfect girlfriend. I love you. I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” So most of the things that girls want to hear right? Except I ignore all those things, not only do I ignore all those things but I even go so far as to tell him, “Don’t tell me that shit”.

Following me so far? Now that I told him stop saying it, he’s not just stopped saying those things but he’s got this giant wall up now where he’s not even being that nice. He’s not being mean but it’s hard to explain. It’s like he’s no longer seeing me like he did in the beginning but just as someone who he’s sexually active with when he feels like it. So it’s basically become a “with benefits” without the “friends” part.

In my twisted turn of events tonight I realize that I do need to hear that shit from the beginning. I need to hear SOME of it anyway. I don’t want to be in a FWBs relationship that absolutely has no chance EVER of going any further. Because, what’s the point. At the end of the day I am looking for love because I’m a human being. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Basically someone who accepts our fucked-up-ness and loves us anyway? I’m not saying that he IS THE one because I still don’t know him well enough and haven’t spent enough time with him but I am saying that given the right amount of time, I might develop feelings for him greater than a FWB relationship. We just haven’t had that much time together.

I read this article that said that it takes men a shorter amount of time to fall in love with someone than it takes a woman. Well, I think it takes me twice as long as a typical woman because I’m fucked up. Emotionally challenged, if you will. What I know is that I enjoy spending time with him. That makes me happy. I get a stupid smile on my face when I see a message come in from him. That makes me happy. When we’re doing nothing but sitting listening to music I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else. He makes me happy.

The problem in my fucked up head though is that I think when the universe finds out that I am happy for one minute that it finds a way to take that away. That’s the reason I don’t talk about him to people I know. To friends I know. I’ve said this before but the few moments of sweet, kind and real drummer that I’ve gotten to see is amazing. If THAT was who I was going to get most of the time, not even all the time, I would be willing to open my heart up. Because THAT guy, is someone I could fall for. THAT guy is someone that I am proud of and want to share THAT person with the people that I know.

THAT sweet, kind and real guy I’ve seen bits of is so fucking talented and smart and sarcastic and witty and beautiful. I love that he’s got ideas for the future and that he’s always thinking of what to do next. I’ve watched him when he’s sitting quietly and I can see the wheels turning in his head. I’ve heard his ideas and the way he talks about life and his kids and deep shit and THAT’S the guy that I could one day fall in love with BUT instead of saying any of that I get quiet. I get quiet and stupid.

Instead of saying anything to him about anything I get quiet. Sometimes it’s because all I want to do is listen to him and sometimes it’s because I’ll say too much or sometimes it’s because I don’t know which version of him will reply to what I have to say. I guess what I would say to him, if given the chance, is this…

“I think you’re amazing. I think that you’re beautiful. I think that you are one of the most talented people that I’ve ever met. I want to know you. I want to know all of you including the darkest parts, the brightest parts and the scariest parts. I have no judgement for you. I just want to get closer to see if this is more than just a sexual attraction. I came to you with my walls down, for the friend that I wanted you to be but with my heart closed because that’s the person that I am.

I will never hurt you. I will never tell your secrets. I will never do harm to you. I will always be loyal and kind and be proud of you. I will support you and help in any way that I can with any dream that you have. I’ve seen you vulnerable and I’ve seen you hurt and I just want to be able to tell you one day that I’ve seen through your broken bits and see the real you. I wish that you came out to play more.

I said to you once that I never expected something different out of this “ship” of ours and while that’s true. I do not have any expectations, I also don’t want to waste my time if there is no possibility of more in the future. I could fall for you. If I keep doing this I will probably fall for you at the right time. You have to give me a reason to open my heart to you as more than a friend instead of putting your walls back up.

I’m not asking for anything now from you. You’re not ready. I’m not ready but I’m asking that you SHOW me the love you said you already had for me. Words without actions are just bullshit. You’ve said before that you’re all about love but your actions are more about the hate that you reflect from others or from the damage you’ve sustained from others.

You don’t know my story. You don’t know the things about me that make me so closed off. You only know pieces of me which were salted in other stories. We didn’t meet by accident. This isn’t a mistake. We’re in each others lives to help not hurt, to protect, for loyalty and peace.

If none of this makes sense to you then tell me now. Let me protect myself BEFORE my heart gets involved. I’m not looking for someone to save me. I’m not looking for a husband or a father. I’m not looking to marry you or to live with you. I’m not looking for anything but a true friend and a lover with the possibility of more.

I don’t know. Maybe you’re a collector. Maybe you have a jar of hearts sitting next to your bed to capture all the hearts of the women loved you because of the people that didn’t. Maybe I’m just an idiot to consider this. Or maybe just maybe this could actually work out. Who knows when I’ll even see you again or which you you’ll be when I do. What I do know is that time is fleeting and I just don’t want to waste it.”

But instead of saying all of that, because guys don’t listen anyway, this is what I say:

“…”

Nite xXx

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My continuation from yesterday, on a rainy day…

I realized that I never even got to the weirdness or drama of my life yesterday. Maybe that’s why I don’t write during the day. They say the artist’s time is at night. Not that I’m saying I’m an artist but the creative type… you get it.

So a couple weeks ago I started talking to my friend again. The one who’s husband I work with. We hadn’t really spoken in a while because I was over the drama. I was over being sucked into whatever was going on with her. I don’t actually remember why we started talking again but when we did a huge secret came out of her mouth. She’d told me that she was having a relationship with someone that knows her husband and is actually one of her brother-in-laws best friends.

This news didn’t surprise me from her but it reminded me of one thing that I’ll never do and have never done. I’ve never slept with anyone who was a friend of an ex. I think that is just one of the tackiest things to ever do. I would never sleep with a friend of an ex or current boyfriend or FWB, flirt with or do anything inappropriate with. That’s just a line I wouldn’t cross. Men are territorial. I respect that. Which brings me to my next thought…

I’ve been told on several occasions that I make an amazing friend and I’d make an amazing wife but I’m a terrible girlfriend. I don’t disagree with this statement and never have. Most guys that I date know that my friends come first and always will. I do anything for my friends. Boyfriends just never seem to keep my attention and I’m terrible at communication. I’m quiet and don’t really ever feel comfortable with public displays of affection and because I’m so secretive about who I’m dating, having any sort of relationship with or having feelings for it’s weird for the guy.

I’ve spoken about him before but I think one of my favorite FWB’s was this guy who was dominant. Not so dominant that he was controlling or maybe he was but in a good way. He would kind of take over everything. He knew what I liked. He’d either buy me or tell me what to wear. He’d order my food or drink and he’d just grab my hand in public knowing that I’d feel uncomfortable but he knew I needed that whether I wanted it or not. In the bedroom he was passionate but also dominant which is perfect too. We’re not talking “Fifty Shades of Shit” here. I don’t know it’s just something about being this professional business woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone during the day and at night I just let him take control.

The thing about that guy above was that he wasn’t in any of my other circles. He’d never met my friends, family or work. I’d go to his work dinners and we’d enjoy these fantastically expensive trips and dinners out. He was classy and sophisticated. I remember sitting listening to classical music laying on the couch one night and looking at him thinking that this was perfect for me until I realized he was always just going to be that. I liked how he treated me but he was strictly classical. If I’d started playing some Lamb of God’s or something he would have lost his shit. So, the great parts of what that relationship was and the great parts about him go into the “intention setting” jar with the best parts of others to find my perfect man.

The reason I bring that guy up is that at one of his work dinners I remember a client of his hitting on me. I was respectful but also quickly respectfully explained that I wouldn’t cross that line. I never told him it happened because there was never a need to. But it just brings up that there are certain “rules” or expectations that should be followed out of nothing more than kindness I guess. Whether you’re with a boyfriend, casually dating or FWB’s there are still “rules”. These are all the reasons why I’ve never made it to the “wife” title and because I’m apparently an enigma. Guys are so used to women being like my friend above that when a girl comes along that’s not like that they almost don’t believe it or they keep testing to see when the “crazy” will come out.

When the boys keep testing the waters to see when the crazy will come out, it’s just annoying and then I lose interest. All I can think is, “Look if you don’t believe that I’m who I say I am then I don’t need to be around you.”. I don’t have a vindictive side, a jealous side or even a cruel side. When someone hurts me I try to understand why they would instead of instantly flying into some emotional craze. I don’t actually know if that’s a flaw or a bonus but when you understand why someone is the way they are it makes me less likely to just disappear. It’s an empath thing I guess. I don’t know.

But now we move on to something that’s fun and kind of ties into the things about the guy above that I liked. The drummer has those qualities. He’s very dominant and I like that. But the other night he actually requested the outfit of the fantasy that I told you all about a couple months ago. I’ve never discussed this with him and was instantly turned on. It didn’t happen for my own reasons but all I can hope is that the opportunity comes up again.

He’s a weird one… I mean HE’S not weird but the way we interact is weird. He’s another one that appears to keep waiting for my crazy to come out. Men just don’t get that I don’t have that bullshit crazy about me that most women do. I have my crazy it’s just in a weird hippy spiritual way. My analytical and logical sides have always won over than my emotional side has. The emotional crazed bitch side of things would probably make it easy for most girls to get jealous or pissed off about all the women he’s with. But my logical side says, “This dudes been in a relationship for a long time. He NEEDS to treat dating like a buffet for a while.” Which is probably by I’m kept my feelings in check.

I’ve never really been one that “falls in love” with a FWB’s anyway. It’s like there’s a switch that can either get turned off or on. At the beginning of meeting someone I quickly assume “leave the switch on” or “keep that switch the fuck off”. I’ve never turned that “he may become more” switch on with him because he’s never been available so it’s still in that mode. However, his comments about how I’m going to fall or going to become emotional or whatever he says are just enforcing that the switch stays in the off position.

The exact type of relationship that I NEED and WANT is hard for guys to understand. Mostly because I don’t communicate it but even in my FWB’s things I need that intimacy. Yeah, I get it, I don’t say that much at all. But I secretly like the private moments of hand holding, caressing and kissing. I don’t need the “How was your day” text messages every day. I need the passion. I don’t need the “What do YOU want to do sweetheart” text messages. I need someone who says, “Be here at 8”. Then when I’m there I need music, and sarcasm and kisses and jokes and passion and sex and laughing and toying and more passion and respect and bonding and stories and hand holding and slow dancing and then when I go home I’m happy to fall asleep with those thoughts and not expect to wake up to a “Good morning beautiful” text message. I guess I need a private boyfriend but a public friend if that makes any sense.

As I said, I’m an enigma. I understand why I’m the perfect friend and wife but a terrible girlfriend. I’m fiercely loyal and understanding. These are the things that I know are great about me. I have my days when I feel like a horrible person for some reason but I know what’s great and amazing about me.

This post has gone on way too long and still not even touched on even more weird shit but I’m done for the day… Just typing my thoughts out so they’re out of my head for today. xXx

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The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

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Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me.┬áThis was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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The Unapologetically Uneducated…

One thing that I find myself doing, a lot, is seeking and searching for knowledge. My GBF’s sister jokes that if one of us doesn’t know something, “Just wait they’ll look it up”. I do this because I have a thirst for knowledge which is much different in this world than a thirst for gossip. The also do this because I would be an uneducated useless human if I didn’t.

So back in school, I was horrific. Let me explain. I loved school up until High School and once that hit I found modeling which led to drugs which led to musicians which led to so much fun. I am inherently smart. On my standardized testing I always scored in the top 5% of the country. My IQ is technically “genius” but that’s just a number. All that means is that I can retain what someone else has asked me to.

To me, being intelligent is about the ability to research and make your own conclusion about things, ideas and people that have not been ingrained from years of scholastic repetition. Intelligence is the ability to, not always agree with someone’s ideas but to, find some sort of reasoning as to why things MIGHT be different and at the very least to listen to someone else’s idea.

My first real test of this was religion. I was raised until I was five going to church with my Grandmother. My father is an agnostic and my brother is an atheist. My mother, I believe, believe’s in a higher being but doesn’t really think much about it. Basically, I grew up being the family that allowed “grace” to happen as a preamble of a meal and waited to politely say “amen” but mostly, uncomfortably, doing it out of respect.

Years ago, my real truth expedition began. I read a lot about all kinds of religion. I even read the bible. I had many conversations with people from the Christian Church, Buddhist, Muslims, Shamans, Wiccans all the way through atheists. I wanted to know where their belief system came from. The majority of people inherited their religion and never found a reason to question it. Then were the people that basically chose an entirely different path BECAUSE the one that they’d inherit didn’t fit their lifestyle.

Now, doing my research I started in the Church of England personally but not by choice. I was too young to decide. Years later, as a teenager I found some solic in the Wiccan religion because of the draw to nature and the female presence. Now, and for some time I’ve been feeling out the Buddhist religion. In all my searching and researching I discovered the one basis of most all religions which is kindness. Let that sink in for a bit. Almost ALL religion states that one must live a kind life and be kind to others. So that is my first commandment, if you will.

The other issue is that I found a lot of religions to cast out people that didn’t fit a certain mold. I have a lot of gay friends and just because I am not one doesn’t mean that it’s ok for me to abide by any scripture that states anyone should be cast out for loving someone different than what they decided the “normal” would be. In the same breath some scripture states to not judge anyone else except that’s exactly what is done by casting out one type of person.

At the end of the day though, I believe just like in relationships, that religion is not a cookie cut type of situation. Things, people, technology all evolves but the one thing that doesn’t seem to evolve is religion. Why not? It should be used as a buffet that allows you to learn about each culture, meaning and ritual that each religion has and address to your own life accordingly.

That’s why I say I am spiritual. I believe in the sun and the moon. I worship nature. I try to treat everyone kind and equal. Isn’t that what life’s about? It’s about learning, educating and accepting those things that are not breed in you or jaded unto you by your parents, surroundings, or even school.

While I understand why a lot of people have chosen to believe in the higher power as he is set in stone in their cookie cutter religion, I also believe that in this world that we’ve created we’ve made the most easily accessible society the most lonely. We are more connected today than we’ve ever been before yet more and more people feel alone and disconnected from themselves, their families and the world. We can order a steak dinner to be delivered in 30 minutes but we can’t seem to be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

In that world described above I understand that some people choose to believe that the higher power is up there with open arms to embrace them at a moments notice. They feel less alone and always taken care of. I’m not saying that I don’t believe because there are times that I’ve cried to a higher power to take away my pain and suffering. I’ve blessed people that I didn’t know going through a hard time. I’ve thanked a higher power for getting me through something. There is a comfort in this. But I can not unequivocally say one way or another whether this is a fictitious image or whether it’s real. Truth is, I just don’t know. But I will always try to find ways to educate myself in all things because you can’t fight for something if you don’t know why you’re fighting for something.

I recently had a conversation with someone that had entirely different thoughts than I’ve had. He has different versions of what I’ve been taught to believe. His entire mindset seems like the opposite end of the spectrum. After he was done talking he’d asked if I, now, thought he was crazy. I replied, “No, I think you’re fascinating. I might not agree with everything you say BUT I will always listen.”. Since then I keep thinking of these things he’s said and done some research about this realized even more than no one should just be complacent to what they’ve been taught. Always keep an open mind and heart.

But, if you believe in nothing else, believe than kindness to all is never a bad idea. Even if you go back to the thoughts, or ideas that you’ve always had to believe in you’ve made an educated decision to do so. Believe in your convictions not because you have been told to but because you know, unequivocally that they are the truth that you’ve seeked.

Just my words tonight… Be kind. xXx

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Life Lessons and Strange Days…

My day has been strange. It should have been strange though. Once I tell you why you’ll understand.

About a month ago, my GBF’s mom came to visit. I’d met her once before but only for a brief moment. This time I actually spent a lot of time with her. We had dinner at his house (my GBF), I’d gone to pickup her Great Granddaughter so she could spent time with her, then, the final day I saw my GBF’s mom a few of us took her out for her 77th birthday. There was six of us. My GBF, his sister, his mom, his friend and a co-worker. That co-worker and I have known each other for as long as I’ve known my GBF. In fact, we worked together 22 years ago.

While I wouldn’t say that this lady and I were close friends we were friends and she and I could talk each other’s ears off. In fact, that night, we were. Because we hadn’t seen each other for a few months she and I spoke a lot and we’d decided to help each other through our “keto-journey” since I had a bit more experience with it. I was excited because it meant that we’d get to spend some more time together. We’ll call this lady Y.

So, after the dinner we all went back to my GBF’s home and had cake (I know, not very keto) but while Y and I were eating she looked at me and said, “Girl, 2019 is my year. This is the year I lose weight. This is the year that I find love. This is the year I travel and do things for myself. I will never forget those words she said to me.

A couple days after that birthday dinner she and I had a phone conversation, several emails and some texts all about how we were going to be each others accountability partners and how excited we were. Fast forward a full week after that dinner and Y wasn’t feeling well so my GBF insisted that she go to the Dr. Everyone around her just joked that it was the “Keto-flu”. It seemed to coincide with all those symptoms. Life went on around her while she was attempting to feel better and we were planning our next great carb free recipe. Life was good.

A week ago today, Y passed away, to the shock of everyone around her. Today was her funeral.

Funerals are strange events. People are remembering memories and laughing, crying. There’s children that don’t understand what’s going on around them so they’re acting like children. People bust out in spontaneous cries. You’re meeting different people that you might never have met before and then there’s cake…

I am usually stone when it comes to emotions. Sometimes it’s because I’ve put on 50 coats of mascara and sometimes it’s because of the company that I’m keeping. Sometimes I choose to stay emotionless so that others can have their emotion moments and I can be there for some strength. But today I realized that there were only a couple moments that I’d cried by myself but I did feel this loss. It wasn’t really until we got to the repass after the service and I’d met up with my GBF that I really felt the need to cry. There he was, sitting in his car. I’d handed him the program from the service where he was mentioned and there was a great picture of him and Y in there and he just let go. He also reacted to having any “feelings” like I would have. He pulled his sunglasses down, rolled up his window and said he needed a moment.

THAT’S the part that choked me up. It’s seeing others in a type of pain that I can’t do anything about. His sister and I then walked away, letting him have his moment. To know my GBF is to know that he’s a gentle giant. He’s a large statured man with a heart of gold. He gives until he has nothing left to give and doesn’t receive near as much from those around him. Through all the things I’ve seen him go through he has grace that has surpassed anyone else that I know and I constantly ask him if he’ll teach me his grace and patience knowing those things were never “taught” to him.

I thanked him several times for bringing his mother here for her birthday because if it wasn’t for that event I wouldn’t have gotten to see my friend Y and I wouldn’t have those words that she spoke to me ringing to vibrantly in my head “2019’s my year, girl. Let’s do this.”

Don’t wait. YOU! Reading this right now! DON’T WAIT. Say the things you want and need to say. Do the things you want and need to do. Be the person that you’ve always said you wanted to be. I have learned that death is the anathema to life but with death there is always a lesson. We are all on borrowed time. We are never guaranteed anything. Be kind, be courageous, be the reason that someone smiles, laughs for feels safe. Within everything is a teaching moment. This is mine and I hope that, at least, one other person chooses to use this as a life lesson as well.

My gratitude for today, this week and this month is to have known my friend Y and that my life was, and is better for it. I asked that her family be comforted and that she watch over them. I ask that my GBF find a peace in this and a comfort that he was very special to her and her family.

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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