Thigh-High Boots and Fantasies…

I was on the phone with a good friend last night for almost two hours and we just fell into some phone sex. Well, I guess we didn’t “fall” into it as it started out with just some really nasty sexting. It got steamy and by the end of it one of us almost drove an hour to go see the other one. It ended up not happening but mostly because I realized it’s hard for me to stay in a “sexy mode” while coughing and sneezing since I’m still sick.

There’s one thing that I can do is tell you what I’m good at. I don’t think that’s being conceited. I just think that’s being confident. But funnily enough I’m not great at taking compliments. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, pretty, cute all the way to some weird ones like I have nice eyebrows or a sexy walk. With most of those things I roll my eyes but I can be sexy when I want to be. The way this works is that I usually give great eye contact, stare them down like there’s nothing more important in the world. Maybe I’ll play with my hair or perk up my breasts or something then just when they’re hooked I’ll likely trip on something and fall over or spill a drink or something. Hey, you can’t be sexy ALL the time.

When my friend and I were chatting he was throwing out some really great compliments and I was taking them all in and stroking his male ego back all while muting my phone when I needed to sneeze or blow my nose and was doing pretty well at it because it then turned into a “What’s your fantasy?”call. Here’s where watching soft core porn movies since I was twelve has probably hurt me because I have a LOT of fantasies. As a disclaimer before going into some of these, some HAVE been done but I’m not going to tell you which one’s. At least not today.

There’s the old tie me up fantasy but this can go both ways. I could tie him up and have my way with a guy or the other way around but there’d have to be trust here. This has been on my mind since long before Fifty Shades of Shit came out. I’m telling you, Zalman King knew what he was doing with his movies… 9 1/2 Weeks anyone?

Beach sex is and will always be on my list except it gets complicate if you’re not doing it right because… sand. That’s all I need to say about that. I like the idea of getting busy in the ocean while people are around but discrete enough that no one really knows what you’re doing.

One of my most thought about fantasies is having sex in a public place with the idea of “almost” getting caught. I’d have to know the guy pretty well or at least be really comfortable with him for this one because it’s about “almost” but NOT getting caught. Sometimes it’s in a nice bar bathroom and sometimes it’s in the parking lot. I have also thought about the VIP room of a strip club as well. There’s also something about having sex in an elevator that totally turns me on too.

It’s weird though, with all the experimentation that I have and want to do I always have to have basic bed sex first with a guy. I have to know him enough and be comfortable enough to start going crazy with the rest. I guess it’s not that weird but once I’m comfortable and trust a guy, there is no limit. Some of that comes from my friend who got me a peek into the BDSM world which just made me more curious. There’s just something about sex, for me, that’s got nothing to do with love. That’s probably a problem but one has never coincided with the other. I guess that’s another therapy bill.

I have lots of sex dreams though. Sometimes they’re actually featuring some guy that I know and sometimes it’s just a shaded face. I have woken up and needed to take a cold shower before. I’m not even sure that this is normal since I’ve always been like this. This is another reason why I attract guys because I’m very open about how I feel about it and what I like but very choosy to pick my partners. See, this is where I HAVE to feel a connection or a chemistry with someone. This to me is different than love and maybe that’s because I’ve never felt the two at the same time. Again, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m still on medicine and will probably read this a week from now, a month from now or a year from now and be like, “WTF was I even trying to say here?”.

Now that SOME of my fantasies are out in the open it brings me to my goal. See, before the hurricane disrupted my life I used to have this beautiful red dress that I kept in my closet as my “goal dress” and I was working at, not just fitting in to it, but to look good in it. I think I’d had that dress for 20 years and even though, at a lot of points, I was able to fit into it I didn’t have anywhere to go in it. Now, I have a new goal outfit and it needs a man to go with it because it’s one of my fantasies. My goal outfit starts with a black long sleeve top with a lace up neckline to where you can see a lot of cleavage. Then, I have on a short grey skirt that’s fits enough to not blow up in the wind but has enough give for later. Then I’m wearing these thigh high black suede boots. Once I have the outfit on and there’s the perfect guy, that’s when I get to institute one of my public sex fantasies.

Now, I already have the outfit and while I’d look decent in it, my goal is to look amazing in it. I figure I’d get there before I actually find a guy that will work for this anyway. This means, to meet my goal, I’ve been doing keto, working out and doing yoga like a crazy person. I’ve told you before that when I get back into working out I always go hardcore because it’s my happy place. Even if my picturesque night doesn’t work out exactly like I planned there’s always fun in getting to the destination. I’ll at least look good while I’m on my journey. 🙂

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight. Thigh-high black boots and sex. It’s a good night.

Nite xXx

bTwSIhhx

Boring Nights Verses the Reality of a Dream…

It’s official, every single year around this time, my niece takes me down with some sort of illness. Kids and their little micro germs. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I spent time with her over Thanksgiving and I’d chose to feel like this after, ever time as long as she and I got to spend our time together. She is the one person in my life that has my whole heart. I remember her first Christmas where I held her all day in my arms and almost bit off the hand of anyone else that tried to hold her. She slept all day just like that. Fast forward a few years and she and I are buried underneath a blanket of plush animals snuggled together while watching a Christmas movie, all while her little germs permeate my immune system.

The next day, on the way back home, I knew I was about to be sick. I could feel it. As I’m on my 2 hour car ride home and my boss is talking my ear off about his broken heart which I’ve heard 1,000 times in a month, all I could think was, “Damn it, I’ll be down for two weeks”. For some reason I’ve always hated going to see the Doctor for something as simple as antibiotics which puts me out sick for 2 weeks. This year was different. My boss forced me to go to the doctor and get a script for something which has actually sped my recovery beyond years past.

But within this week things have been quiet. I’ve done as much work as I could before slipping in and out of consciousness and helped where I could. I’ve been lounging around in sweat pants with a runny nose and avoiding the phone as much as possible as I am not a pretty sound right now. So this week has been painfully boring. You all know when my life gets boring is when I start having these strange thoughts to run away, do something spontaneous or hit up some old flames to pass the time. I’ve done none of it though but did have a thought provoking conversation with my GBF tonight.

He was asking about my year in boyfriends, or boys in general. My reply was that it’s been pretty unproductive. I guess that’s not the entire truth but it’s not like there’s been a lot that I can talk about in public. I mean, married men all over the place. There was one at the beginning of the year and he was boring but attached. There was another one that was married that had “feelings for me” which I had absolutely no attraction for what-so-ever – he’s been blocked. There was another one that was sleeping with a friend that wants to continue something with me after he was done with her that I had absolutely no attraction to – he’s been blocked. There’s one that I am really good friends with that’s leaving to work in another country so we’ll still get to talk and I like talking to him but he’s married. The last one, THAT one, the one that I will probably always be attracted to but will never see again and he’s married.

These boys got my GBF and I talking about what I should have done differently all year. But it started with me asking the guy that’s leaving the country why married men are attracted to me and he said, “Well, cause you’re cool, down-to-earth, and because you don’t nit-pick. You’re down for whatever and you have a temptressness about you.” I don’t even think that’s a word but never would have said that before this year. Truth is that none of those guys saw 100% of who I am and never really cared to either. But now that I’ve said that I don’t know that anyone has, or even come close.

So what would I have done differently this year? Well, the boring and attached, I would have been done with him sooner. The one that had feelings for me I would have made it even more simple that I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him what-so-ever. The one that was sleeping with a friend first, I would have not tried to help him so much with advice, apparently me giving him dating advice was just wrong and I would have probably have blocked him sooner. The one that’s leaving I probably wouldn’t have done anything different with him because I kind of like where we’re at with each other. There’s no cheating but some great conversations and a little bit of sexting. The last one, Oh the last one… Being that I will probably never see him again I’d probably have had sex with him back in a parking lot months ago, then at least, he’d be out of my system and I could stop thinking about him. I mean it’s just sex anyway.

But instead of having the sex I’ve tried to move him to this box of “business friendship” where I try to help him out using my connections at work. I don’t understand why it’s so important for me to help him though. He’s never really done anything outstanding for me. He’s never been overly nice to me. Yes, we have a crazy sexual chemistry but that’s all. I’ve talked about this before that what I’m doing isn’t happening organically. It doesn’t feel right. It’s weird. But it’s so important for me to hit up people that I’ve done business with for at least a decade to help him that I find myself wondering why… and I’m at a loss.

I don’t really know him well. What I do know about him is from rumors of others and it’s not been very nice but still I want to help. Maybe it’s my need to find a purpose for everyone that I meet and as of right now I don’t know why I met him. Maybe it’s the sexual chemistry except if I don’t ever see him again then what does that matter? I am really at a loss for what this one is supposed to have taught me and why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive.

These are the things I think about on a life hiatus  while being sick. I asked the universe for the answer but she has a funny way of not answering me in a plain and simple way so there’s no confusion. Instead, I keep having this recurring dream that he comes over, drunk one night and we dance in the dark to an old jazz record of mine and then we have sex for hours until he falls asleep. Then I go to the patio in just a t-shirt and watch the rain. He comes out and just wraps his arms around me and tells me that he doesn’t want to wake up and have me not be next to him… Then I wake up.

Is this my subconscious telling me that I’m needing some romance in my life, the romance that I’ve pushed away for years? I have no idea and now I think that my NyQuil has kicked in because I’m talking about romance with a guy that I don’t even know, or even know if I even like, or that I’ll ever see again. Maybe it’s just me thinking about the last time that I actually felt anything at all. Who knows?… But since I have an excuse that I’m on medicine here’s to dancing in the dark to jazz records, lots and lots of sex and kisses on the neck in the rain.

Nite… xXx

800px_COLOURBOX4746491

Stolen Towels and Revelations…

So I had a revelation tonight as I’m staring at my hurricane hand-me-down stolen Hilton towel in the bathroom. It’s about the L-word. Obviously there’s a problem if I can’t even say the word. But this is not a new revelation.

It’s obvious that I’ve spent years pining after a love that I never really wanted. Not just with THE friend but with all men. I mean look at the guys I’ve loved or been interested in. They were all immune to reciprocation and I’ve known that the entire time. But now, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. It’s been so long that I try too damn hard to make sure that what I’m feeling is not just so the other side of the bed isn’t empty verses what actual true love is.

This whole thinking started, really, a few days ago. My psychic friend and I were sitting talking about life, love and all things that entails and she was saying that I’ve never really been open to it before and that it was more a desperate plea to not be alone. So to all the boys I’ve loved before, I guess I didn’t. Oops. Okay so that’s not entirely true BUT it’s more true than it’s not.

The point is that I’ve never loved a man more than I feared losing my independence. That’s the truth and strangely something that I’ve learned this year and even stranger it’s something that I’ve learned a lot from married men.

One of these married men and I are good friends. He and I talk for hours. I usually text him stupid things when I’m drunk and it’s late at night but it’s stuff that I’d text any friend. Nothing too racy. The other night though he was telling me about getting into a fight with his wife. He said he’d called in sick to work and just decided to go out with a friend of his instead. Apparently he got smashed drunk and they went to a strip club then across state lines to gamble. As he’s telling me this I exclaimed, (in my fake pissed off voice) how I was terribly upset that I didn’t get a drunk text from him as payback for the ones I sent him. His reply, for some reason, shocked me. He said he knew that if he’d texted me he would have spent the night at my place and he knew what would have happened.

Why did this shock me? Well, because I literally have always thought that we’d always just jokingly bantered back and forth and have NEVER realistically thought that anything would have ever happened but he was so honest about it that it made me think. This made me think to the point that I was literally searching google for “Why do I attract married men”. Guess what? I’m not the only one. There’s a whole club of us. There were a few different reasons why but the one that stuck with me was the one about a man being able to sense that we don’t want anything long term. They assume we’re just “fun” and they enjoy talking to us, spending time with us and essentially they are choosing “Us” as the ones that ensure their cocks aren’t lonely on those nights when they’re feeling less than perfect about their own lives.

In a way, I suppose, it’s some sort of a compliment or a standing ovation (if you will) for the women that we are. The problem with this is that a lot of these woman that they go after ARE looking for something bigger and better than a one night stand or to be the “side-chick” to their Mister’s lives and then it becomes true to script , as in He’s Just Not That In To You, that WE are mostly made up of women that are the rule and NOT the exception to the rule. As the rule and not the exception there are no romantic notions that they will leave their lives and proceed with anything with their mistresses.

The point here is that I knew there would be nothing going on with my friend above but somehow he took it further in just what his intentions WOULD have been. I had this brief moment of pain in my stomach that was more about losing a friend over what “might” have happened. It’s weird. Then in essentially the same day, I realized that I wanted to move the drummer from whatever weird place we’d left things over to just friend territory. So I offered my help with something. Now, he and I are in this weird space of, “well, we both want to fuck each other but that’s never going to happen so lets turn this into a weird friendship/business relationship”. And when the first “business like exchange” came through I felt weird about that because I realized that the other part of our relationship is over. A very short lived, don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, massive sexual tension filled banter, is over.

I feel like I’m forcing some sort of relationship with him now, whether it’s a friendship or a business relationship it’s not coming organically and I can feel that. It’s uneasy and I don’t like it. I don’t like things that are not easily connected or organic and in my mind it’s because he was one of those guys who I spoke about above that was just trying to make sure his cock wasn’t lonely on those nights we got “friendly”.

But helping the drummer above led me to another guy that I’ve not spoken to for a year and a half. This other guy and I used to talk a lot and again for hours. See, these are the friendships that just happen. They are never forced. But I’d reached out to this guy to ask a favor for the drummer and he’d exclaimed that he’d lost everything including his home, belongings, and had several family members die or get sick in the last year. After all of what he’s gone through he’d admitted that he was depressed as well. Since that day I’ve been checking up on him and he said that he was so appreciative and felt so much better since we’d been talking. We have plans to go out soon but because of recent events all I could think is, “What if this guy goes in for a kiss” and for some reason that scared the shit out of me. Because he’s damaged? No, because we all are. Because he’s needy? No but because he’s single… Yep, get it now?

The friend above didn’t scare me because his advances were just drunken thoughts.

The drummer doesn’t scare me because he’s unavailable.

The kid didn’t scare me because he doesn’t even know how to love himself.

None of those situations above scared me because they were non-existent, rules and not the exceptions, situations. I had other emotions about them but none were because they scared me. So, now that I know all this, I need to figure out WHY love scares the hell out of me? Is it from the things that might come with love? The hurt, pain and damage? Is it easier to just be in a shell that lets no one in so I don’t crack?

Humans seem simple until you start dissecting them. Emotions are these intricate woven lines of roads inside ones mind and soul. One leads to the head, the next to the heart and lastly to the groin… We’re complicated and basic and these feelings and emotions make us dumb and smart and loyal and hurt and broken. There’s no rationalizing emotions because they’re not rational. I feel anger when I should feel flattery and I feel sadness when I should feel excited. Maybe my woven emotional highways are closed for construction. Who knows… that’s all I have now. Nite xxx

19577-no-road-is-to-long-if-it-leads-me-to-you

Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

music_is_what_feelings_sound_like-4953

The History of Connections…

I’ve had the weirdest week. Now, for me, that’s saying something. My week has been all about reconnections. I’ve found people I that I’d lost. I reconnected with people that I thought I’d never hear from again and found out one thing… We can all change peoples lives just by acknowledging something real about them from our past.

I’ll start with the first one. When I was a teenager I my best friends girlfriend and I were close. Not so close that it was a real bond that has stood the test of time but close enough for us to have a few memorable nights. One of those nights, I was sitting in her bedroom and her brother came in. He and I started talking about French and German existentialism because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 15 and want to seem deeper than you really are. It was the only real conversation that he and I had ever really had but at the end of it he gave me a book. It’s called When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin D Yalom. Keep in mind that this was 25 years ago. But through all my purges I’d kept this book. To be honest with you it wasn’t because it was a good read, in fact, I don’t actually remember ever reading it. I kept it because it was something that someone gave (let me borrow) and it had his hand written poetry inside.

I randomly saw this guy pop up on my “You might know this person” on Facebook. So one day I finally decided to send him a friend request. He’d quickly accepted but a few days later had sent me a message asking if we actually knew each other because my name sounded so familiar. You see, there’s another part to this. We both have another mutual friend that is in trouble in this town for his behavior. That’s a story for a bit further down this blog but he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t a “plant” trying to get information out of him about our mutual friend.

I explained to him our history and sent him a picture of the book. He then said, “Please don’t think this is to much and I hope it’s not but I’ve not cried for months, not really. But this – this got me.. in that healing and good and cathartic manner that crying can be”. It was more than the book but it was our history and the fact that I chose to keep it after all these years. I’m not going to lie. It made me cry too. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and this was just one of them. So there we are, two old friends, reliving times that we’d forgotten and having a cathartic cry. Then to top things off, I’d sent him a pic of the poetry that he’d written in all of the pages and all he could do is repeatedly thank me for making his week. I was so touched.

I have to admit that since the hurricane almost a year ago I’ve become much more in touch with my feelings. It’s a weird thing for me. So, so many things have changed for me. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than this time last year. Mostly, it’s all happening in randomness. Which leads me to my second and most amazing story.

You all know, here, how much I LOVE music and how much it means to me. Every about it. Well 23 years ago I sat in a music recording studio with four boys. Yes, we were all basically kids. The producer that was there, I have always admired, appreciated and looked for. I wasn’t like, crazy stalker-girl or anything but I’d occasionally do some random searching for his name but never came up with anything. I never assumed he’d remember some “groupie” girl that was just in the background. I always knew this experience would always mean more to me than it did to him but it was and has always been so important to me to tell him how much he meant to me.

Well, on one of my “I’m bored, lets search” searches I came across his name. I’d emailed him and asked if he was the owner of a studio in Houston years ago and to my excitement he replied with an enthusiastic “Yes!”. So, remember when I told you that this week had been emotional… I instantly cried. Like tears streaming down, excited and nostalgic balling. I’d decided to go through my old photos, which were thankfully saved from flood waters. I was remember all our conversations and to my surprise and delight the producer had said he’d remember me and gave me his phone number to call him over the weekend.

After a bit of miscommunication trying to get one another we finally were on the phone this afternoon and reminiscing. He’d said that out of all the people that came in his studio with that band he remembered the bass player and me the most fondly and he’d always assumed we’d be the one’s the “make it”. I kept saying, “Are you sure you’re thinking of the right girl” and to my surprise not only did he describe me but recited one of the most prolific conversations I’ve ever had with anyone which we’d had while sitting on the steps of a local bar which has since been closed. He’d said that he was telling his hair dresser about me today and she asked him if he’d been “good”. His reply shocked me. He said that he told her, “It’s weird, yes I was good but I knew that she was only 16/17 at the time and all I could think of was how great our conversations were. He’d admitted that he felt awkward back then being able to talk to me the way he did.

Don’t miss understand, our conversations were never anything sexual and there were no sexual overtones either. But he said he had to keep reminding himself of my age. Now, he’s invited me to come stay with him in the northeast where he lives. I’d realized quickly that NOW he realized I’m much old and our conversations were still flowing after a 23 year sabbatical from each other. He’d asked if I was single so my assumption that nothing is off limits now is a bit more realistic.

The best part though was hearing about his past, after the band. Where he’s been. What he’s done. I’d told him that I often tell his teachings to others. I love telling people about him because he was one of the few adult figures in my life that I truly respected and taught me as if I was his equal even though he knew and knows far more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. But, as I’m telling him the story that I, so often repeat to others, he’s just on the other end of the phone saying, “Wow, yes! Yes! That’s it. You remember. Wow.”.

I finalized the conversation by telling him that I just wanted to make sure he knew that he was, is and has been a mentor of mine for 23 years. I wanted to thank him for that and tell him that I am blessed to have known him. We traded more contact information and he’s sending me some of the bands history.

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually take him up on his offer to come stay with him, although tempting, I am blown away with the impression that he had of me back then. I always assumed that he just thought of me as some kid but no he never did. In fact, he thought of me much more fondly that I’d ever expect. I know of all the people that touch my lives and yet, for some reason, I’m always shocked when it goes the other direction.

Relationships are NEVER coincidence. There is always a purpose. I say that a lot but I realize that now more than ever. I think that’s why I was so drawn to the drummer. I always thought that there was some other purpose for us to “find” each other. I’m, of course, desperately sexually attracted to him but it has to be more than that. I can’t have him like that and because I won’t cross those boundaries I’ve made a pact with my friend to not go see the band for a very long time. He’d said that he was drawn to me and that we had chemistry and that when he’s around me he wants to, or does things that he’s not supposed to do so I’ve made it easy by staying away so he’s not put in the position to be bad.

My point is, I think part of the reason we found each other was to fulfill a need in me to be around a great and brilliant musician. While I met him in a cover band, I’ve seen his work as an original artist and good. Great even. I actually told him once, “For me, watching you play the drums is like watching an erotic porn”. I meant every word of that too. But it’s hard to believe that our story is over. It’s hard to believe that he will no longer be a character in my storybook. Watching him, watching the band and being friends with them brought me back to so much of my younger years and so maybe he was just placed in my story so that I can have nostalgia flashbacks. Who knows?!

The friend and I were actually placed back into each others lives again. This times it’s different though. His heart is broken and he needs a friend. This time, I’m there as a FRIEND completely. We actually talk now and, hopefully, listen to each other. I realized, as he’s telling me about his heartbreak, that all I wanted for him to be happy. Before, all I wanted was for him to be happy, with me. Things with us are probably how they always should have been if my “feelings” didn’t get in the way. I have always wanted him to succeed though and I’m glad that he’d found someone that helped him do that. I’d always thought it would have been me that helped him but after years of systematic masochistic abuse on both our parts I released him and the power he had over me. I released my attachment to him completely. He and I will never be more than what we are right now but what we are right now is so much better than anything we’d been in the past.

So tonight, I am blessed and thankful for re-uniting with old friends. Getting to hear how I influence them and being able to tell them how much I appreciate them. If you have someone in your life that you appreciate make sure that today, you tell them. It never hurts to give someone a compliment and that is one huge compliment.

Nite xxx

maxresdefault

The Reasons Why and What We Might Never Know…

I have this theory. It’s part of the reason why I’ve been at my job for so long. Something in my life, inevitably happens to the next “big thing”. Sounds obvious right? But it’s not always.

So my first real “big corporate job” led me to the company that I work for now. That job has led me to a guy I dated that I thought (at the time) I was in love with but don’t really think I was. That, years later led me to being best friends, sisters, with his wife. That wife led me to a band and that band led me to a guy… or a few.

My question, now, is where does this lead me now? The band thing is over due to recent circumstances. However, and this is a funny twist of fate but the one band member that I really wasn’t sure about, my friends Mister, is the only one that I still talk to or have been talking to all week. I’ve not seen, heard from or talked to the drummer and won’t. But my friend had been upset about how things went last weekend for her. So, being the friend that I am, I reached out to her Mister.

I basically said, “Look she’s really upset and asking if you’re done. Are you going to say anything to her or just never speak to her again?” That was sent earlier in the day and I didn’t really expect a text back for a while. I did, however, wake up to a text reply at 7 am the next day, “I’ve got bigger things to think about. Can you talk?”. This was from her Mister.

I replied around 9 am, since I was working, and said that I could and asked what was wrong. Apparently, his wife who was supposed to be out of town for three weeks had returned early and just started yelling at him about wanting a divorce and that she knew everything he’d been doing. He’d asked me if I thought that my friend would have said something to his wife in anger.

Okay, so here’s where my vault of secrets almost explodes. I’ve kept so many secrets for so many people for such a long time, it can seem overwhelming at times and now, I was about to keep another one.

There was no way in hell that I believe my friend would have reached out to his wife in any way, shape or form. That’s the truth. I basically talked him down from the edge all week. I’ve been checking in on him, discussing all kinds of personal things in his life. Basically being the friend that he needs right now. I don’t really think this guy has anyone to talk to. I actually started to feel like I was betraying my friend because I now have all these secrets about her Mister and have to shove all those back in my secret vault too.

When I told him that he should feel a bit secure because she and I will not be going to anymore gigs anymore his reply was, “I’ll miss seeing you. I really like seeing you there… and HER too”. I then felt guilty for that. See, he and I have always had a very strange relationship because he’s always felt comfortable in saying things to me that he could never to her. I felt like I had the friendship with him that I actually wanted with the drummer. It’s all been a cluster fuck.

But this leads me back to, what’s next? Ever since a week ago I’ve been in the worst funk I’ve had since moving back here after the hurricane. I’ve gone out a few times but I don’t want to see my friend. I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’ve been sad, possibly depressed and mostly wanted to sleep for days on end. But why?

I’ve already made my appointment to see my Shaman friend to get her input because I asked for one thing under setting intentions under the full moon and got something totally different. So, where will that lead me? I know I’m upset knowing that I won’t be seeing the band again because, regardless of all the drama that’s surround it I really missed being a band-aid. I’ll miss the obvious, sexual chemistry that I shared with the drummer that’s been unmatched in all my life. That’s saying something too because I LOVE sex. ALL THE TIME! But what else is with me?

I think a lot of my mood has to do with what I’d asked for and what I got in return. I feel like stomping my feet and screaming “WHERE’S MY HAPPY?” like a spoiled child. I’m angry at all the couples that claim to be happy and yet always have one eye out for something/someone different. I’m mad that I’m keeping so many secrets. I’m pissed that I have all this great wisdom when it comes to relationships and love and yet it’s all wasted on me because the men that I meet that actually are available I have no connection to. I’m pissed about promises made and promises broken and I’m angry at all the liars out there.

So I guess I’m mad/angry/pissed/upset at a lot of things right now and haven’t brought myself to find a powerful healthy outlet just yet. All I can do is write things here but then I feel, as I stated the other day, when the universe finds out I’m even the slightest bit happy it does whatever it takes to fucked that up.

Is this my reality right now or someone else’s nightmare? I’m just so thoroughly confused about what my next step is and where IT will lead me. I want peace and health and healthy relationships and SEX ALL THE TIME. I want to WANT to get out of bed in the mornings and I want real relationships where I don’t have to keep secrets. I also what to know what all the with the drummer was about because right now it seems even smaller than just a blip on my roadmap of my life.

It’s strange. I’ve been hunkered down in my home for days now. I’ve only occasionally gone outside to run menial tasks, go to dinner or some nights to just drive around listening to music but right now I’m just sitting on my couch listening to the quiet noise in my home and the clacking of my nails on my laptop. It’s cathartic, it’s simplistic and right now it’s the only thing that’s real.

That’s all for now… xxx

josephcampbell1-2x

Relationship Status… It’s Complicated.

It really does seem like the theme of the year is relationships. Whether they be marriages, mother/daughter, in-law, friends… They’re all relationships and they’re all complicated. I wish there was a more poetic way to say this but relationships are just, sometimes, fucked up.

I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually had a “normal” relationship with anyone and that’s not a complaint. I like the weird, different and almost confusing. I’ve resigned myself to know that that’s how they’ll all be. I guess I’m not and have never been the 2.5 kids, white picket fence and a dog girl. Plus, I’m not sure that anyone has actually measured up to losing part of my freedom in order to combined myself into a “couple” anyway.

Of course, there might have been a few moments that I thought I’d be “that” girl but nope. Nothing ever came of it. Either they weren’t enough to keep my attention or I just didn’t feel “it”. Now, of course, I’m only speaking of romantic relationships right now. We’ll get to the others later.

So what’s going on “romantically” lately? Well, nothing of substance. There’s a lot of interest by men but nothing really returned by me. I’m going out a lot lately and I just don’t believe that you can meet the “love of your life” in a bar. I could be wrong though since I’m usually wrong about my own relationships but pretty spot on with others.

There is one guy… This one guy, I’ve said before that I’ve NEVER felt this sexually attracted to another human being. It’s a palpable. We had a pretty intense night the other night, almost a week ago and I’m still feeling it today. Here’s the thing though, he thinks he’s charming. He thinks that he’s basically “the shit” and all the traits that he THINKS he’s got me with are all the ones that I don’t like. But it’s that fucking connection… Damn those things. I’m constantly telling him he’s stupid, not because I think that he is but because he thinks that the fake shit is what’s working. It’s the few moments that he’s real. That’s what I’m attracted to is real, honest, and true.

We were having this moment when neither of us were looking away from each other for probably about an hour of direct eye contact while in this extremely sexual conversation about what he wanted to do to me. Each minute that passed we just became more and more sexually charged. Then, he went in for one of those “I have to have you now movie, grab your face and kiss you” moments. You all know that I LOVE those moments. Now, in the span of a few months we’ve had two of those.

I’ll be honest with you guys on here but would never tell him this… Since I’ve met him I’ve not had to watch porn once. It’s the craziest thing. I can’t explain what this is, well I can because it’s nothing. Sounds harsh right? But, and I explained this to my friend the other night, I’m tired of being in dead end relationships. That’s what this would be because he’s taken. So amongst the deep sexual attraction I’m feeling guilty. If I didn’t feel guilty about it I’d be an asshole though.

These are the reason’s that he’s not been to my home because I do not have enough will power at this point to say no to him. What we’ve already done has, well, lets just say left a lasting impression. But he’s not “the one”. He’s not even “the one right now”. I know that. There’s no romantic notions here so why even entertain the idea of this when there’s already an expiration date? I’m also assuming that “No” isn’t a word he hears much but if the situation comes up again I’ll just have to stick to my words that I’ve written here.

This is obviously not my most artful pieces of writing but it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. The complexities of relationships and how they come to be. I’m about to tell you something that he said, which I hope he was joking about but it had to do with having his baby. Yep, you read that right but we don’t know each other that well and so it was a joke but it got me thinking again about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life verses what I am doing with my life. Then I actually had the weirdest thought… If I’d gotten knocked up would it be the worst thing ever? Not by him but just in general. There’s still time. I suppose I could. I love kids and kids love me. Am I supposed to be a mom? I hate that questions but I ask it a lot.

I’m left thinking, all the time, if it’s supposed to happen it will. If I’m supposed to be at this job then I’ll be at that job or if I’m supposed to be with some guy then I will be. I have resigned to let the universe control all my outcomes lately. I don’t or try not to dwell. I try not to get upset or angry about situations that I can’t control and pretty much just “go with the flow” as much as possible. There’s way too many people in my life that can’t seem to control their emotions which in turn makes me want to just relax even more.

As far as the guy above, who knows, shit happens. I guess I can still never say never but trying to manage guilt, sexual attraction and exhaustion from everything above has me just wanting to crawl into bed somedays, with or without someone.

… and those are my thoughts tonight

xxx

sexualattraction