So it’s only been over the last few years that I’ve really had a lot of ah-ha moments. Those are the moments when you come to a realization that you hadn’t thought of something before, a thought that might help explains things. You might call them epiphanies.
Sometimes these come to you in a dream, a thought or an OH SHIT moment when you least expect it but when you most need it. I believe that I’ve had a lot more since the flood of 2017 and since I’ve become more in touch with my feelings, emotions and heart. I still don’t use my heart enough but I use it more than I used to.
In my last post I’d mentioned about this guy from Chicago that’s been hitting on me and wanting to come down and stay with me. In the beginning of our flirtation I was flattered until he’d mentioned that he was in a love-less and sex-less marriage. Then I got pissed. “Here we go again. Another married guy!”. I was so pissed especially since my closest friends even make the joke “You wouldn’t be interested in him cause he’s single”. Which the first time it was funny and now it’s just insulting.
I don’t seek them out. I don’t overly flirt with them. I’ve never had sex with any married man. I’ve explained before that even though I don’t believe in the institution of marriage I still respect it.
This takes me to last night’s epiphany. I was up late talking with a friend that I haven’t talked to for a while and we started talking about that. She’s always said that when we’d go out men would be drawn to me for some reason. Then she’d asked me what I thought it was about me. My first attempt at a reply was when I’d asked my cop friend why he was attracted to me (and yes he’s married). His reply was more about the way I act. I guess that I don’t care and I’m fun and flirty or something. But then she said something that moved me to my Ah-Ha moment…
My dear sweet friend said, “Maybe it’s because you know it’ll never go anywhere and you’re just so scared of commitment.” But when I thought about it a bit more it went to, “Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve any better.”.
I let that sink in for some time. There it is folks… Some deep seeded bullshit in my head makes me feel like I’m not good enough to actually have a real, deep, true, meaningful relationship with a man. Truth is I’ve touched on this before. When I was younger I’d always picked the guys I wouldn’t fall for because it was a challenge and they’d want me then I’d leave and it would become a game.
Part of this is why I’d always treated my friends better than boyfriends because I truly didn’t want them to go anywhere. That’s pretty fucked up. But then I look around at the guys that I’ve thought I’d caught feelings for or actually did catch feelings for and realized I still picked guys that I knew could never love me the way I needed to be loved.
It’s not a pattern that’s hidden to me. In fact, THE friend and I were talking about each others “love” issues a couple weeks ago and I’d admitted that I had feelings for someone that I shouldn’t and his reply was, “So, I guess that means that you’ll run and never see him again.” My answers was, “Yep, that’s correct.” I mean why stick around only to see happen what you already know is going to happen and that’s heartbreak.
It’s already bad enough that with the guy that I have “feelings” for, we’ve got a lot of mutual friends who like to gossip. One will tell me, “Oh he’s flirting with me all the time.”, The next will tell me he’s getting back with his wife. There’s another one that keeps telling me about all these older ladies he’s dating. With each one I have to find a way to basically tell them all to shut up because they’re gossiping and I hate gossip but without sounding jealous because whether you believe it or not it’s not jealousy, it’s annoyance.
But again, we go back to my younger years. I remember watching this movie once and the girl in it was a lot like me. She’d meet men all the time and wouldn’t be interested or run from them until she found “The one”. I don’t remember what movie this was but I remember the guy in the movie grabbing her face, gently, and saying “Who hurt you so bad.” Then he fought for her. Like really fought for her and didn’t let her run from him.
I guess that’s what I keep waiting for is a guy who’s strong enough to realize my patterns and realize that, yeah, I kind of need to be saved from myself. In this day and age, with all this instant gratification and ghosting and bullshit there’s not a man on this planet that I believe will waste his time with a woman who’s just that fucked up anymore. I guess I run from love because I just don’t believe in it.
So that’s what I’ve been dealing with internally over the last few weeks and it’s not getting any better. My ex was in the hospital after having a mild heart attack. This is the one that was suicidal months ago and the ONE thing that I reminded him was that if it scared the shit out of him, the idea of dying, then he never really wanted to kill himself but only to let go of the pain.
That’s pain I feel a lot so I can understand why he was in a dark place not that long ago but that’s always made me feel strange. He and I sucked at dating each other. I was way too young and he was way too immature. But after a long sabbatical from each other we came back as good friends. But what was strange to me is that of all his friends and family he’d called me that night. I feel strange but oddly honored in the fact that I think he knew that I’d speak him down off the ledge. He just needed to feel like someone cared for him greatly that night which I did and do. THAT’S the love that I have for my friends and can completely understand why my ex’s say I’m an amazing friend, I’d make a great wife but am a terrible girlfriend.
My reality tonight, at 3 am on a Wednesday morning is that I broke a promise to myself when I’d said I wasn’t going to fall for any guy that I had no chance with no matter what connection I thought I’d felt. I realize that if I was truly important to someone then it wouldn’t have been four months since we’d seen each other and the realization of that makes me understand why I have to leave, just be gone from it all.
I also realize that I put myself out there, made myself vulnerable and gave more of me than I ever should have for a guy that I’m not even a random thought once in a while. Why do I keep picking guys that are like that? Why does the universe put those types of guys in my path?
I literally have a knot in my throat thinking about this because it upsets me and I feel like a complete idiot. You know they say that Aqaruians are cold and detached in appearance except for the fact that we’re one of the most sensitive signs. We just choose to show our indifference and sarcasm to the world instead because that’s easier. Which I normally do because when I do show some sort of vulnerability I end up feeling like a piece of shit in the end.
As I always say, I wish him all the best in life. I hope he’s happy, successful and joyful every single day of his life and NEVER feels like I do right now but I will not be continuing in his life to help make that happen at the expense of my own happiness. I understand that there’s helping someone and then there’s being taken advantage of. I know I feel like a broken record which goes with my heart quite well lately.
It’s sad to know that the one you love will never hear your goodbye because they never cared to hear your hello. That only proves how right I am right now.