Stolen Towels and Revelations…

So I had a revelation tonight as I’m staring at my hurricane hand-me-down stolen Hilton towel in the bathroom. It’s about the L-word. Obviously there’s a problem if I can’t even say the word. But this is not a new revelation.

It’s obvious that I’ve spent years pining after a love that I never really wanted. Not just with THE friend but with all men. I mean look at the guys I’ve loved or been interested in. They were all immune to reciprocation and I’ve known that the entire time. But now, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. It’s been so long that I try too damn hard to make sure that what I’m feeling is not just so the other side of the bed isn’t empty verses what actual true love is.

This whole thinking started, really, a few days ago. My psychic friend and I were sitting talking about life, love and all things that entails and she was saying that I’ve never really been open to it before and that it was more a desperate plea to not be alone. So to all the boys I’ve loved before, I guess I didn’t. Oops. Okay so that’s not entirely true BUT it’s more true than it’s not.

The point is that I’ve never loved a man more than I feared losing my independence. That’s the truth and strangely something that I’ve learned this year and even stranger it’s something that I’ve learned a lot from married men.

One of these married men and I are good friends. He and I talk for hours. I usually text him stupid things when I’m drunk and it’s late at night but it’s stuff that I’d text any friend. Nothing too racy. The other night though he was telling me about getting into a fight with his wife. He said he’d called in sick to work and just decided to go out with a friend of his instead. Apparently he got smashed drunk and they went to a strip club then across state lines to gamble. As he’s telling me this I exclaimed, (in my fake pissed off voice) how I was terribly upset that I didn’t get a drunk text from him as payback for the ones I sent him. His reply, for some reason, shocked me. He said he knew that if he’d texted me he would have spent the night at my place and he knew what would have happened.

Why did this shock me? Well, because I literally have always thought that we’d always just jokingly bantered back and forth and have NEVER realistically thought that anything would have ever happened but he was so honest about it that it made me think. This made me think to the point that I was literally searching google for “Why do I attract married men”. Guess what? I’m not the only one. There’s a whole club of us. There were a few different reasons why but the one that stuck with me was the one about a man being able to sense that we don’t want anything long term. They assume we’re just “fun” and they enjoy talking to us, spending time with us and essentially they are choosing “Us” as the ones that ensure their cocks aren’t lonely on those nights when they’re feeling less than perfect about their own lives.

In a way, I suppose, it’s some sort of a compliment or a standing ovation (if you will) for the women that we are. The problem with this is that a lot of these woman that they go after ARE looking for something bigger and better than a one night stand or to be the “side-chick” to their Mister’s lives and then it becomes true to script , as in He’s Just Not That In To You, that WE are mostly made up of women that are the rule and NOT the exception to the rule. As the rule and not the exception there are no romantic notions that they will leave their lives and proceed with anything with their mistresses.

The point here is that I knew there would be nothing going on with my friend above but somehow he took it further in just what his intentions WOULD have been. I had this brief moment of pain in my stomach that was more about losing a friend over what “might” have happened. It’s weird. Then in essentially the same day, I realized that I wanted to move the drummer from whatever weird place we’d left things over to just friend territory. So I offered my help with something. Now, he and I are in this weird space of, “well, we both want to fuck each other but that’s never going to happen so lets turn this into a weird friendship/business relationship”. And when the first “business like exchange” came through I felt weird about that because I realized that the other part of our relationship is over. A very short lived, don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, massive sexual tension filled banter, is over.

I feel like I’m forcing some sort of relationship with him now, whether it’s a friendship or a business relationship it’s not coming organically and I can feel that. It’s uneasy and I don’t like it. I don’t like things that are not easily connected or organic and in my mind it’s because he was one of those guys who I spoke about above that was just trying to make sure his cock wasn’t lonely on those nights we got “friendly”.

But helping the drummer above led me to another guy that I’ve not spoken to for a year and a half. This other guy and I used to talk a lot and again for hours. See, these are the friendships that just happen. They are never forced. But I’d reached out to this guy to ask a favor for the drummer and he’d exclaimed that he’d lost everything including his home, belongings, and had several family members die or get sick in the last year. After all of what he’s gone through he’d admitted that he was depressed as well. Since that day I’ve been checking up on him and he said that he was so appreciative and felt so much better since we’d been talking. We have plans to go out soon but because of recent events all I could think is, “What if this guy goes in for a kiss” and for some reason that scared the shit out of me. Because he’s damaged? No, because we all are. Because he’s needy? No but because he’s single… Yep, get it now?

The friend above didn’t scare me because his advances were just drunken thoughts.

The drummer doesn’t scare me because he’s unavailable.

The kid didn’t scare me because he doesn’t even know how to love himself.

None of those situations above scared me because they were non-existent, rules and not the exceptions, situations. I had other emotions about them but none were because they scared me. So, now that I know all this, I need to figure out WHY love scares the hell out of me? Is it from the things that might come with love? The hurt, pain and damage? Is it easier to just be in a shell that lets no one in so I don’t crack?

Humans seem simple until you start dissecting them. Emotions are these intricate woven lines of roads inside ones mind and soul. One leads to the head, the next to the heart and lastly to the groin… We’re complicated and basic and these feelings and emotions make us dumb and smart and loyal and hurt and broken. There’s no rationalizing emotions because they’re not rational. I feel anger when I should feel flattery and I feel sadness when I should feel excited. Maybe my woven emotional highways are closed for construction. Who knows… that’s all I have now. Nite xxx

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Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

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The History of Connections…

I’ve had the weirdest week. Now, for me, that’s saying something. My week has been all about reconnections. I’ve found people I that I’d lost. I reconnected with people that I thought I’d never hear from again and found out one thing… We can all change peoples lives just by acknowledging something real about them from our past.

I’ll start with the first one. When I was a teenager I my best friends girlfriend and I were close. Not so close that it was a real bond that has stood the test of time but close enough for us to have a few memorable nights. One of those nights, I was sitting in her bedroom and her brother came in. He and I started talking about French and German existentialism because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 15 and want to seem deeper than you really are. It was the only real conversation that he and I had ever really had but at the end of it he gave me a book. It’s called When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin D Yalom. Keep in mind that this was 25 years ago. But through all my purges I’d kept this book. To be honest with you it wasn’t because it was a good read, in fact, I don’t actually remember ever reading it. I kept it because it was something that someone gave (let me borrow) and it had his hand written poetry inside.

I randomly saw this guy pop up on my “You might know this person” on Facebook. So one day I finally decided to send him a friend request. He’d quickly accepted but a few days later had sent me a message asking if we actually knew each other because my name sounded so familiar. You see, there’s another part to this. We both have another mutual friend that is in trouble in this town for his behavior. That’s a story for a bit further down this blog but he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t a “plant” trying to get information out of him about our mutual friend.

I explained to him our history and sent him a picture of the book. He then said, “Please don’t think this is to much and I hope it’s not but I’ve not cried for months, not really. But this – this got me.. in that healing and good and cathartic manner that crying can be”. It was more than the book but it was our history and the fact that I chose to keep it after all these years. I’m not going to lie. It made me cry too. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and this was just one of them. So there we are, two old friends, reliving times that we’d forgotten and having a cathartic cry. Then to top things off, I’d sent him a pic of the poetry that he’d written in all of the pages and all he could do is repeatedly thank me for making his week. I was so touched.

I have to admit that since the hurricane almost a year ago I’ve become much more in touch with my feelings. It’s a weird thing for me. So, so many things have changed for me. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than this time last year. Mostly, it’s all happening in randomness. Which leads me to my second and most amazing story.

You all know, here, how much I LOVE music and how much it means to me. Every about it. Well 23 years ago I sat in a music recording studio with four boys. Yes, we were all basically kids. The producer that was there, I have always admired, appreciated and looked for. I wasn’t like, crazy stalker-girl or anything but I’d occasionally do some random searching for his name but never came up with anything. I never assumed he’d remember some “groupie” girl that was just in the background. I always knew this experience would always mean more to me than it did to him but it was and has always been so important to me to tell him how much he meant to me.

Well, on one of my “I’m bored, lets search” searches I came across his name. I’d emailed him and asked if he was the owner of a studio in Houston years ago and to my excitement he replied with an enthusiastic “Yes!”. So, remember when I told you that this week had been emotional… I instantly cried. Like tears streaming down, excited and nostalgic balling. I’d decided to go through my old photos, which were thankfully saved from flood waters. I was remember all our conversations and to my surprise and delight the producer had said he’d remember me and gave me his phone number to call him over the weekend.

After a bit of miscommunication trying to get one another we finally were on the phone this afternoon and reminiscing. He’d said that out of all the people that came in his studio with that band he remembered the bass player and me the most fondly and he’d always assumed we’d be the one’s the “make it”. I kept saying, “Are you sure you’re thinking of the right girl” and to my surprise not only did he describe me but recited one of the most prolific conversations I’ve ever had with anyone which we’d had while sitting on the steps of a local bar which has since been closed. He’d said that he was telling his hair dresser about me today and she asked him if he’d been “good”. His reply shocked me. He said that he told her, “It’s weird, yes I was good but I knew that she was only 16/17 at the time and all I could think of was how great our conversations were. He’d admitted that he felt awkward back then being able to talk to me the way he did.

Don’t miss understand, our conversations were never anything sexual and there were no sexual overtones either. But he said he had to keep reminding himself of my age. Now, he’s invited me to come stay with him in the northeast where he lives. I’d realized quickly that NOW he realized I’m much old and our conversations were still flowing after a 23 year sabbatical from each other. He’d asked if I was single so my assumption that nothing is off limits now is a bit more realistic.

The best part though was hearing about his past, after the band. Where he’s been. What he’s done. I’d told him that I often tell his teachings to others. I love telling people about him because he was one of the few adult figures in my life that I truly respected and taught me as if I was his equal even though he knew and knows far more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. But, as I’m telling him the story that I, so often repeat to others, he’s just on the other end of the phone saying, “Wow, yes! Yes! That’s it. You remember. Wow.”.

I finalized the conversation by telling him that I just wanted to make sure he knew that he was, is and has been a mentor of mine for 23 years. I wanted to thank him for that and tell him that I am blessed to have known him. We traded more contact information and he’s sending me some of the bands history.

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually take him up on his offer to come stay with him, although tempting, I am blown away with the impression that he had of me back then. I always assumed that he just thought of me as some kid but no he never did. In fact, he thought of me much more fondly that I’d ever expect. I know of all the people that touch my lives and yet, for some reason, I’m always shocked when it goes the other direction.

Relationships are NEVER coincidence. There is always a purpose. I say that a lot but I realize that now more than ever. I think that’s why I was so drawn to the drummer. I always thought that there was some other purpose for us to “find” each other. I’m, of course, desperately sexually attracted to him but it has to be more than that. I can’t have him like that and because I won’t cross those boundaries I’ve made a pact with my friend to not go see the band for a very long time. He’d said that he was drawn to me and that we had chemistry and that when he’s around me he wants to, or does things that he’s not supposed to do so I’ve made it easy by staying away so he’s not put in the position to be bad.

My point is, I think part of the reason we found each other was to fulfill a need in me to be around a great and brilliant musician. While I met him in a cover band, I’ve seen his work as an original artist and good. Great even. I actually told him once, “For me, watching you play the drums is like watching an erotic porn”. I meant every word of that too. But it’s hard to believe that our story is over. It’s hard to believe that he will no longer be a character in my storybook. Watching him, watching the band and being friends with them brought me back to so much of my younger years and so maybe he was just placed in my story so that I can have nostalgia flashbacks. Who knows?!

The friend and I were actually placed back into each others lives again. This times it’s different though. His heart is broken and he needs a friend. This time, I’m there as a FRIEND completely. We actually talk now and, hopefully, listen to each other. I realized, as he’s telling me about his heartbreak, that all I wanted for him to be happy. Before, all I wanted was for him to be happy, with me. Things with us are probably how they always should have been if my “feelings” didn’t get in the way. I have always wanted him to succeed though and I’m glad that he’d found someone that helped him do that. I’d always thought it would have been me that helped him but after years of systematic masochistic abuse on both our parts I released him and the power he had over me. I released my attachment to him completely. He and I will never be more than what we are right now but what we are right now is so much better than anything we’d been in the past.

So tonight, I am blessed and thankful for re-uniting with old friends. Getting to hear how I influence them and being able to tell them how much I appreciate them. If you have someone in your life that you appreciate make sure that today, you tell them. It never hurts to give someone a compliment and that is one huge compliment.

Nite xxx

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The Reasons Why and What We Might Never Know…

I have this theory. It’s part of the reason why I’ve been at my job for so long. Something in my life, inevitably happens to the next “big thing”. Sounds obvious right? But it’s not always.

So my first real “big corporate job” led me to the company that I work for now. That job has led me to a guy I dated that I thought (at the time) I was in love with but don’t really think I was. That, years later led me to being best friends, sisters, with his wife. That wife led me to a band and that band led me to a guy… or a few.

My question, now, is where does this lead me now? The band thing is over due to recent circumstances. However, and this is a funny twist of fate but the one band member that I really wasn’t sure about, my friends Mister, is the only one that I still talk to or have been talking to all week. I’ve not seen, heard from or talked to the drummer and won’t. But my friend had been upset about how things went last weekend for her. So, being the friend that I am, I reached out to her Mister.

I basically said, “Look she’s really upset and asking if you’re done. Are you going to say anything to her or just never speak to her again?” That was sent earlier in the day and I didn’t really expect a text back for a while. I did, however, wake up to a text reply at 7 am the next day, “I’ve got bigger things to think about. Can you talk?”. This was from her Mister.

I replied around 9 am, since I was working, and said that I could and asked what was wrong. Apparently, his wife who was supposed to be out of town for three weeks had returned early and just started yelling at him about wanting a divorce and that she knew everything he’d been doing. He’d asked me if I thought that my friend would have said something to his wife in anger.

Okay, so here’s where my vault of secrets almost explodes. I’ve kept so many secrets for so many people for such a long time, it can seem overwhelming at times and now, I was about to keep another one.

There was no way in hell that I believe my friend would have reached out to his wife in any way, shape or form. That’s the truth. I basically talked him down from the edge all week. I’ve been checking in on him, discussing all kinds of personal things in his life. Basically being the friend that he needs right now. I don’t really think this guy has anyone to talk to. I actually started to feel like I was betraying my friend because I now have all these secrets about her Mister and have to shove all those back in my secret vault too.

When I told him that he should feel a bit secure because she and I will not be going to anymore gigs anymore his reply was, “I’ll miss seeing you. I really like seeing you there… and HER too”. I then felt guilty for that. See, he and I have always had a very strange relationship because he’s always felt comfortable in saying things to me that he could never to her. I felt like I had the friendship with him that I actually wanted with the drummer. It’s all been a cluster fuck.

But this leads me back to, what’s next? Ever since a week ago I’ve been in the worst funk I’ve had since moving back here after the hurricane. I’ve gone out a few times but I don’t want to see my friend. I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’ve been sad, possibly depressed and mostly wanted to sleep for days on end. But why?

I’ve already made my appointment to see my Shaman friend to get her input because I asked for one thing under setting intentions under the full moon and got something totally different. So, where will that lead me? I know I’m upset knowing that I won’t be seeing the band again because, regardless of all the drama that’s surround it I really missed being a band-aid. I’ll miss the obvious, sexual chemistry that I shared with the drummer that’s been unmatched in all my life. That’s saying something too because I LOVE sex. ALL THE TIME! But what else is with me?

I think a lot of my mood has to do with what I’d asked for and what I got in return. I feel like stomping my feet and screaming “WHERE’S MY HAPPY?” like a spoiled child. I’m angry at all the couples that claim to be happy and yet always have one eye out for something/someone different. I’m mad that I’m keeping so many secrets. I’m pissed that I have all this great wisdom when it comes to relationships and love and yet it’s all wasted on me because the men that I meet that actually are available I have no connection to. I’m pissed about promises made and promises broken and I’m angry at all the liars out there.

So I guess I’m mad/angry/pissed/upset at a lot of things right now and haven’t brought myself to find a powerful healthy outlet just yet. All I can do is write things here but then I feel, as I stated the other day, when the universe finds out I’m even the slightest bit happy it does whatever it takes to fucked that up.

Is this my reality right now or someone else’s nightmare? I’m just so thoroughly confused about what my next step is and where IT will lead me. I want peace and health and healthy relationships and SEX ALL THE TIME. I want to WANT to get out of bed in the mornings and I want real relationships where I don’t have to keep secrets. I also what to know what all the with the drummer was about because right now it seems even smaller than just a blip on my roadmap of my life.

It’s strange. I’ve been hunkered down in my home for days now. I’ve only occasionally gone outside to run menial tasks, go to dinner or some nights to just drive around listening to music but right now I’m just sitting on my couch listening to the quiet noise in my home and the clacking of my nails on my laptop. It’s cathartic, it’s simplistic and right now it’s the only thing that’s real.

That’s all for now… xxx

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Relationship Status… It’s Complicated.

It really does seem like the theme of the year is relationships. Whether they be marriages, mother/daughter, in-law, friends… They’re all relationships and they’re all complicated. I wish there was a more poetic way to say this but relationships are just, sometimes, fucked up.

I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually had a “normal” relationship with anyone and that’s not a complaint. I like the weird, different and almost confusing. I’ve resigned myself to know that that’s how they’ll all be. I guess I’m not and have never been the 2.5 kids, white picket fence and a dog girl. Plus, I’m not sure that anyone has actually measured up to losing part of my freedom in order to combined myself into a “couple” anyway.

Of course, there might have been a few moments that I thought I’d be “that” girl but nope. Nothing ever came of it. Either they weren’t enough to keep my attention or I just didn’t feel “it”. Now, of course, I’m only speaking of romantic relationships right now. We’ll get to the others later.

So what’s going on “romantically” lately? Well, nothing of substance. There’s a lot of interest by men but nothing really returned by me. I’m going out a lot lately and I just don’t believe that you can meet the “love of your life” in a bar. I could be wrong though since I’m usually wrong about my own relationships but pretty spot on with others.

There is one guy… This one guy, I’ve said before that I’ve NEVER felt this sexually attracted to another human being. It’s a palpable. We had a pretty intense night the other night, almost a week ago and I’m still feeling it today. Here’s the thing though, he thinks he’s charming. He thinks that he’s basically “the shit” and all the traits that he THINKS he’s got me with are all the ones that I don’t like. But it’s that fucking connection… Damn those things. I’m constantly telling him he’s stupid, not because I think that he is but because he thinks that the fake shit is what’s working. It’s the few moments that he’s real. That’s what I’m attracted to is real, honest, and true.

We were having this moment when neither of us were looking away from each other for probably about an hour of direct eye contact while in this extremely sexual conversation about what he wanted to do to me. Each minute that passed we just became more and more sexually charged. Then, he went in for one of those “I have to have you now movie, grab your face and kiss you” moments. You all know that I LOVE those moments. Now, in the span of a few months we’ve had two of those.

I’ll be honest with you guys on here but would never tell him this… Since I’ve met him I’ve not had to watch porn once. It’s the craziest thing. I can’t explain what this is, well I can because it’s nothing. Sounds harsh right? But, and I explained this to my friend the other night, I’m tired of being in dead end relationships. That’s what this would be because he’s taken. So amongst the deep sexual attraction I’m feeling guilty. If I didn’t feel guilty about it I’d be an asshole though.

These are the reason’s that he’s not been to my home because I do not have enough will power at this point to say no to him. What we’ve already done has, well, lets just say left a lasting impression. But he’s not “the one”. He’s not even “the one right now”. I know that. There’s no romantic notions here so why even entertain the idea of this when there’s already an expiration date? I’m also assuming that “No” isn’t a word he hears much but if the situation comes up again I’ll just have to stick to my words that I’ve written here.

This is obviously not my most artful pieces of writing but it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. The complexities of relationships and how they come to be. I’m about to tell you something that he said, which I hope he was joking about but it had to do with having his baby. Yep, you read that right but we don’t know each other that well and so it was a joke but it got me thinking again about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life verses what I am doing with my life. Then I actually had the weirdest thought… If I’d gotten knocked up would it be the worst thing ever? Not by him but just in general. There’s still time. I suppose I could. I love kids and kids love me. Am I supposed to be a mom? I hate that questions but I ask it a lot.

I’m left thinking, all the time, if it’s supposed to happen it will. If I’m supposed to be at this job then I’ll be at that job or if I’m supposed to be with some guy then I will be. I have resigned to let the universe control all my outcomes lately. I don’t or try not to dwell. I try not to get upset or angry about situations that I can’t control and pretty much just “go with the flow” as much as possible. There’s way too many people in my life that can’t seem to control their emotions which in turn makes me want to just relax even more.

As far as the guy above, who knows, shit happens. I guess I can still never say never but trying to manage guilt, sexual attraction and exhaustion from everything above has me just wanting to crawl into bed somedays, with or without someone.

… and those are my thoughts tonight

xxx

sexualattraction

Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. 🙂

Setting Intentions and other Full Moon activities…

First let me explain just how powerful the moon is today and tomorrow… “We are having a major energy shift. Energy is currently super-charged while approaching a full Moon Total Eclipse. Six planets are in retrograde, Mars is appearing as big as the moon and intense geomagnetic storms are happening.

Signs that the full moon is affecting you:

  • Can’t think straight
  • Ears are ringing
  • Head is buzzing.
  • You’re struggling to communicate with others and feel irritable, angry, argumentative, zoned out, zapped of energy and are struggling to sleep.

If you are feeling any of that you are perfectly fine, in fact, you’re better than fine because it means that you are attuned to the universe and are going through a huge personal shift that will feel brutal but will push you through an extreme and much-needed transformation.

All of us are about to experience the longest eclipse of this entire century and at the same time go through the fastest, most powerful and turbulent life changes. It is highly recommended to take time out as often as possible over these next few days and quickly remove yourself from any situations that are potentially becoming explosive.

We’ll all notice our past coming back to test us and the decisions we make over this period will either show how much we have grown or how we are still stuck repeating the same dramas and maintaining ties that we know we should have cut some time ago.

This is our opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’ve learned from heartbreaking mistakes and we’re no longer afraid to end what is harmful and open up to new beginnings that hold life-changing possibilities.

Make sure that you are drinking lots of water, taking salt baths, walking barefoot in nature and take time out alone but mostly deep breaths and count to ten regularly.” – That information was used from ‘iamthebeardgod’ on instagram.

What does that mean for you? Well, it could mean nothing if you’re closed minded. However, if you believe then it could mean everything. We are NOT destined to be stuck in the place we’re at. Things, people, situations and the universe are always conspiring to change our world whether it be internally or externally. We just have to be open to the possibilities of change.

I’ve noticed some crazy reactions this week due to this full moon and let me tell you these are not unrealistic manifestations. I’ve seen someone rage so badly that it went on to effect, no less than, five other people. I’ve felt sexual energy that could be cut with a knife and felt others restless emotions more than ever. I’m being to think that be empathic is not a great thing. There are things to do though that will help get you through all of this and the main thing is to take a deep breath and go be alone. Since I have had a house guest since Sunday, I’ve done that a lot.

Another thing to do during a full moon is to set intentions for the universe at to what you’re looking for, whether it be in a significant other, financially, or just a clearer understanding of others. Find something that you want to change, embrace or understand better. Write it down or speak it into the universe. I actually went and had my chakra’s balanced last night which is a whole thing I’ll talk about another time but I left my friends place feeling “found” again and back in place. My body tingled and my head was clearer. It was a beautiful thing.

Today, though, I set my intentions for the things I need, want or desire because, well, that’s what I do…

  • I want a sense of purpose and belonging. I want to make everyone’s life better who’s around me.
  • I want financial freedom and a sense of security.
  • I want to be at peace with my past, presently so my future is no longer effected.
  • I want to be healthy, happy and energized.
  • I want my relationships to be strong and meaningful and powerful.
  • I want music in my life even more than now. I want to enjoy it. Let it move me. Feel it every day.
  • I want those around me to be happy and content yet always striving for better. I also want those around me to be calm and peaceful.
  • I want a happy, peaceful and sexually charged home 🙂 for me. I want a fun and loving home as well.
  • I want to feel confident, sexy, beautiful and powerful.
  • Now the fun part: Seeing my intentions for a romantic relationship 🙂
    • I want a man who is fun and funny.
    • I want a man who is kind and sexy.
    • I want a man who is tattooed and loves music.
    • I want a man who is beautiful and spiritual.
    • I want a man who looks at me and I feel it everywhere.
    • I want a man who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels and what he wants.
    • I want a man who is strong and happy.
    • I want an exotic man. (Maybe with an accent).
    • I want a man that wants to be with me because I am all those things and more.
    • I want an honest man who is also trustworthy.
    • I want romance and good surprises and communicates.

And those are my intentions for this powerful full moon. What are yours?

xxx

tumblr_n9kmkrcbly1teyrpoo1_500Blue moon giftenor