Ah-Ha Moments and Other Things…

So it’s only been over the last few years that I’ve really had a lot of ah-ha moments. Those are the moments when you come to a realization that you hadn’t thought of something before, a thought that might help explains things. You might call them epiphanies.

Sometimes these come to you in a dream, a thought or an OH SHIT moment when you least expect it but when you most need it. I believe that I’ve had a lot more since the flood of 2017 and since I’ve become more in touch with my feelings, emotions and heart. I still don’t use my heart enough but I use it more than I used to.

In my last post I’d mentioned about this guy from Chicago that’s been hitting on me and wanting to come down and stay with me. In the beginning of our flirtation I was flattered until he’d mentioned that he was in a love-less and sex-less marriage. Then I got pissed. “Here we go again. Another married guy!”. I was so pissed especially since my closest friends even make the joke “You wouldn’t be interested in him cause he’s single”. Which the first time it was funny and now it’s just insulting.

I don’t seek them out. I don’t overly flirt with them. I’ve never had sex with any married man. I’ve explained before that even though I don’t believe in the institution of marriage I still respect it.

This takes me to last night’s epiphany. I was up late talking with a friend that I haven’t talked to for a while and we started talking about that. She’s always said that when we’d go out men would be drawn to me for some reason. Then she’d asked me what I thought it was about me. My first attempt at a reply was when I’d asked my cop friend why he was attracted to me (and yes he’s married). His reply was more about the way I act. I guess that I don’t care and I’m fun and flirty or something. But then she said something that moved me to my Ah-Ha moment…

My dear sweet friend said, “Maybe it’s because you know it’ll never go anywhere and you’re just so scared of commitment.” But when I thought about it a bit more it went to, “Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve any better.”.

I let that sink in for some time. There it is folks… Some deep seeded bullshit in my head makes me feel like I’m not good enough to actually have a real, deep, true, meaningful relationship with a man. Truth is I’ve touched on this before. When I was younger I’d always picked the guys I wouldn’t fall for because it was a challenge and they’d want me then I’d leave and it would become a game.

Part of this is why I’d always treated my friends better than boyfriends because I truly didn’t want them to go anywhere. That’s pretty fucked up. But then I look around at the guys that I’ve thought I’d caught feelings for or actually did catch feelings for and realized I still picked guys that I knew could never love me the way I needed to be loved.

It’s not a pattern that’s hidden to me. In fact, THE friend and I were talking about each others “love” issues a couple weeks ago and I’d admitted that I had feelings for someone that I shouldn’t and his reply was, “So, I guess that means that you’ll run and never see him again.” My answers was, “Yep, that’s correct.” I mean why stick around only to see happen what you already know is going to happen and that’s heartbreak.

It’s already bad enough that with the guy that I have “feelings” for, we’ve got a lot of mutual friends who like to gossip. One will tell me, “Oh he’s flirting with me all the time.”, The next will tell me he’s getting back with his wife. There’s another one that keeps telling me about all these older ladies he’s dating. With each one I have to find a way to basically tell them all to shut up because they’re gossiping and I hate gossip but without sounding jealous because whether you believe it or not it’s not jealousy, it’s annoyance.

But again, we go back to my younger years. I remember watching this movie once and the girl in it was a lot like me. She’d meet men all the time and wouldn’t be interested or run from them until she found “The one”. I don’t remember what movie this was but I remember the guy in the movie grabbing her face, gently, and saying “Who hurt you so bad.” Then he fought for her. Like really fought for her and didn’t let her run from him.

I guess that’s what I keep waiting for is a guy who’s strong enough to realize my patterns and realize that, yeah, I kind of need to be saved from myself. In this day and age, with all this instant gratification and ghosting and bullshit there’s not a man on this planet that I believe will waste his time with a woman who’s just that fucked up anymore. I guess I run from love because I just don’t believe in it.

So that’s what I’ve been dealing with internally over the last few weeks and it’s not getting any better. My ex was in the hospital after having a mild heart attack. This is the one that was suicidal months ago and the ONE thing that I reminded him was that if it scared the shit out of him, the idea of dying, then he never really wanted to kill himself but only to let go of the pain.

That’s pain I feel a lot so I can understand why he was in a dark place not that long ago but that’s always made me feel strange. He and I sucked at dating each other. I was way too young and he was way too immature. But after a long sabbatical from each other we came back as good friends. But what was strange to me is that of all his friends and family he’d called me that night. I feel strange but oddly honored in the fact that I think he knew that I’d speak him down off the ledge. He just needed to feel like someone cared for him greatly that night which I did and do. THAT’S the love that I have for my friends and can completely understand why my ex’s say I’m an amazing friend, I’d make a great wife but am a terrible girlfriend.

My reality tonight, at 3 am on a Wednesday morning is that I broke a promise to myself when I’d said I wasn’t going to fall for any guy that I had no chance with no matter what connection I thought I’d felt. I realize that if I was truly important to someone then it wouldn’t have been four months since we’d seen each other and the realization of that makes me understand why I have to leave, just be gone from it all.

I also realize that I put myself out there, made myself vulnerable and gave more of me than I ever should have for a guy that I’m not even a random thought once in a while. Why do I keep picking guys that are like that? Why does the universe put those types of guys in my path?

I literally have a knot in my throat thinking about this because it upsets me and I feel like a complete idiot. You know they say that Aqaruians are cold and detached in appearance except for the fact that we’re one of the most sensitive signs. We just choose to show our indifference and sarcasm to the world instead because that’s easier. Which I normally do because when I do show some sort of vulnerability I end up feeling like a piece of shit in the end.

As I always say, I wish him all the best in life. I hope he’s happy, successful and joyful every single day of his life and NEVER feels like I do right now but I will not be continuing in his life to help make that happen at the expense of my own happiness. I understand that there’s helping someone and then there’s being taken advantage of. I know I feel like a broken record which goes with my heart quite well lately.

It’s sad to know that the one you love will never hear your goodbye because they never cared to hear your hello. That only proves how right I am right now.

xXx

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The Silly Things We Do on Accident…

I’ve gone and done something really silly. I’ll get to that in a bit but first my life is being weird again. So first I’ll tell you about the good things. My Christmas was great. My New Years was great and even tonight, I’ve just finished having drinks with an old friend. I’ve spoken about him before. He’s like a brother to me. We got to chat for several hours and catch up on life. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other and I always love our conversations. He’s the realistest most honest person I know. I adore him.

Typically we catch up by phone and it could end up being a 4 hour long phone conversation but it’s always good to see him in person. I really needed him tonight. We usually start by going through the list of people that we mutually know and chatting about them then we move into each other’s lives.

Since there’s not a lot of speakable things in my life, my side was short. “No, I’ve not gotten married, dating anyone or had any babies since we’ve seen each other last. How’s your life?” That’s how it started. We talked about love, marriage, work and some drama that happened at the beginning of the year. A few other items but it’s what I realized as we’re talking that made me remember something. I’ve gone and caught feelings for someone that I wasn’t supposed to. Who didn’t see that coming? But it’s a moot point since I just may never see him again.

Did I catch feelings for the guy in Chicago that’s been hitting me up to come down and spend the weekend together that I met through work? No. Did I catch feelings for THE friend? No. Did I catch feelings for the young gentleman that works at a place my friends and I frequent after he stalked me on Facebook? No.

I realized that I’ve caught feelings for the Drummer…

Okay, so I’m sure that most of you probably think that I had for a while except I didn’t know and here’s why. We’re not that. We barely see each other and because he’s never really done anything to warrant those feelings. I mean he’s never gone out of his way to make me catch feelings is my point. We had some sort of unspoken understanding that we weren’t supposed to be THAT to each other.

… and to be honest here it’s not until he’d said something about how he’s been feeling lately that I realized that I did. I mean, as I said, we barely see each other. We’ve never share an absolutely profound moment and he’s never tried to make me fall for him. Yet, in the blink of an eye I guess I did.

I guess it’s good that I’m literally just realizing this now because I don’t actually see any time in the near future that we’ll actually see each other again. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve known each other and only about a year since we started this FWB thing. Even that was never that long.

I’d been on dates since and I’ve tried to make connections but I’ve not “been” with anyone since him. I didn’t feel this way when we were having some great passion filled nights and I didn’t feel this way sitting proudly at his shows. I realized that I felt this way when he was the most honest he’s ever been with me a week or two ago when we were chatting. Again, not seen each other for months.

So what does one do when they’ve caught feelings for someone that has no intention of ever throwing them back? Well, you just push them all in a box inside your heart and you lock it up never to be opened again. It literally pains me that things aren’t going well for him and it pains me that we’ll probably not see each other again but I still believe that the universe works in ways we’ll never understand.

I also understand that the universe doesn’t care if you have a secret unspoken rule that neither of you get feelings for the other. The universe also doesn’t care if it’s the right time or the right circumstances. It just doesn’t.

Nothing ever seems real until I write it here and actually keep the post but I realize that I’m not the most emotionally healthy person in the world and I send him so much good energy but I just want to scream sometimes that I never get normal. I don’t mean that he’s not normal I mean that this shouldn’t have happened with someone who’s not and won’t give me back the same feelings.

I feel like my life is lived for other people’s entertainment sometimes. I guess it’s good that I realized this state of affairs AFTER we stopped spending time together. We never got a proper goodbye which hurts but I think it’s all about to hurt real soon when I figure out what’s just happened.

It was never about all that sexual chemistry, or his looks or the fact that he’s a musician. I fell for his soul. I do believe that’s a soul that I’ve known for many lives. I wonder how it went in our other lives. Fate is cruel… Love is cruel… xXx

 

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Resolving to Resolve Love…

After having a very nice Christmas dinner out with my GBF and his sister tonight, she and I decided to have that “resolution talk” you’re supposed to have close to New Years. She’d started by asking me if I had any resolutions. I had to think about it but my first answer was to get fitter. That’s always a goal for me.

I start the year out great and working out all the time. I eat healthy and then life happens and I get distracted like a deer in headlights. I usually end up getting back to it sooner or later but I have goals and I plan to meet those goals next year.

The next New Years resolution was a bit different than the years before. I didn’t ask for a husband, boyfriend or love interest. I told her that I needed to figure out next year why I am so unlucky in love. That was my resolution, or IS my resolution.

You all know most of my stories. I either find a great man who I feel nothing for or I feel something for a total asshole. It’s like my love life has never been balanced. The men I find some sort of connection with have way too much drama or shit going on or they’re in the middle of something and nothing ever happens or the nice guys that look great to most women I feel nothing for. I swear it’s a curse.

When I start to think about my love life I understand why my Shaman says that when I do find the right one, my soul-mate, that we’ll be great for each other and have flourishing lives together. That we’ll be happy and rich both in moments and monetarily. She’s always said that the saying, “You’ll meet someone that will make you understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else” is true.

Truth though, I think I’m just done. I’m done waiting and I’m done looking and I’m done with selfish lying assholes or assholes that can’t keep the simplest of promises. That’s not just in my dating life. I’m just done with those type of people in general. Sadly I seem to know a lot of them. It’s a curse that I can tell a lie from a mile away and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of giving and giving and expecting anything different.

Yes, I’m not in the Christmas spirit right now. I’m just so exhausted of expecting anything different from men these days. There’s not even one that’s surprised me in a good way for a very long time. I’ve gone out of my way, gone out of my comfort zone for some of these and done things that I wouldn’t normally do and I don’t know why I expected anything to come out of it. I’m really not in a good place right now.

I wish I was someone who could blissfully be unaware of how so many people suck in life and just go around and BE happy but that’s not in my soul. I am someone who feels so fucking much but acts as though I feel nothing at all. I am the person who has to put a smiling emoji even though I’m about to erupt in tears. That’s just who I am and who I’ve always been. I’ve tried crystals, essential oils, motivational stuff, meditation but the one thing I’ve never truly tried to to cleanse myself of all the utter, selfish assholes in my life. I’m tired of being used because I try to help so many people.

I’ve tried religion, spirituality, tried learning new things. I’ve tried exercise as a form of therapy and I’ve tried to cleanse my space and my body and yet I keep being drawn to the life sucking assholes that couldn’t care less to ask me how my day is going and wait for the answer.

I’m done….

I’m done figuratively and literally going out of my way for men that can’t show the least bit of fucking compassion or care. Do I think I’ll change them in some way, shape or form? No. Do I think they’ll end up changing me in some profoundly great way? No. I’m literally just being a masochist. I have yet to meet a man that I’ve equally been connected to and that has treated me with any respect or sweetness. So why do I even waste my time anymore?

Again, I’m done…

This wasn’t supposed to be an angry post, I swear. I was looking around my home tonight with wrapping paper thrown everywhere and clothes that need to be laundered and a mess of wrapped presents and I decided that I wanted to write and this is what’s come out.

… And somewhere between the loud hard typing of my fingers and the words I’m typing I started crying realizing that I’m just so fucking tired. There’s so many times this year that some man has upset me, pissed me off or taken advantage of me and I’ve held my tongue. I’d decided at some point that it was more important to keep my cool and act as though things didn’t bother me than to actually say what I’m feeling, how they made me feel. These are the moments that I take long drives listening to pissed off music and scream, “FUCK!” as loud as I can.

I don’t really know what this year has or was supposed to teach me except that I let men treat me like shit for some dumb reason. I blame it on “connections” or because they’re in a dark place or they’re going through something but the truth is I know better. I’m fucking smart. I can read people and as much as I can sit here and read someone like a book it’s just so exhausting to explain to someone how they’ve made me feel when they themselves couldn’t care less and knowing that it makes me even more exhausted thinking about explaining myself.

I do believe in karma and I believe that some of these people will feel the way they’ve made me feel but that doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t want anyone to feel like this, used and unappreciated. As sarcastic as I am, and as much as I like to pretend that I feel nothing I do not have a mean bone in my body. So, as part of my New Years tradition I will write all the wrongs they’ve done to me and burn them and then just stop talking to them entirely because I am done. I don’t care how shitty your life is you do NOT have the right to take it out on someone that would do anything for you. Period. So to that, and those people, I am done.

I’ve said before that just because I have a “soul-connection” with someone doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay in my life. A lot of times they are literally here to just teach me a lesson, something that I’ve not been able to learn or realize on my own. Well, congratulations. Lesson learned.

This year started out so differently than it’s ending and that makes me cry too. Maybe I needed to cry. I’d been holding it back for a while now. So, since I have the entire week off work, I will finish my gift wrapping while watching horror movies. I will get ready to go out of town for a day or two and then I will just contemplate the bullshit that I’ve dealt with this year and really re-evaluate what I’ve been doing.

I will say this, when my GBF’s sister asked me what I’m going to look for instead next year my answer was pretty simple. I need an honest, drama-free and sweet man. That’s it. The rest of it I don’t even care about anymore. I need a guy that isn’t confusing and I don’t have to question his integrity nor do I have to question IF he cares. I’m tired of confusing someone caring about me or someone using me. I’m better than that.

Maybe I don’t “Love” enough or let myself but my opposite of love isn’t hate. I don’t use that word much at all. My opposite is much worse which is apathy. When there’s nothing left for me to give a shit about apathy is my worst quality. There’s a few men that will feel that soon…. I’m done. Nite.

Things to say at 1 a.m. …

Here I am actually going out tonight and having a really fun night with my mind jumbled and discombobulated. I miss that intoxicated joy feeling I had not that long ago but long enough to wonder where the fuck it went. The end of this year has been uneventful and typical. I don’t expect it to change at all for the remainder of this year either.

In case you’re curious the dating app has done exactly what I expected. It’s brought about a lot of total douche-bags. I haven’t really had a decent conversations and most of the matches I’ve just “hidden” away because it was really just some sort of game to how many I could get. That’s sad right? These guys aren’t here looking for a long term anything. They’re looking to get laid. If it was just about sex for me then I would have been having it a while ago.

That’s where my mind is so fucked up. I try so hard to not get emotionally attached to anyone but I can’t have sex with just anyone but have to have a connection to them all while trying my hardest to stay emotionally unattached… It’s a curse I have I’m sure of it. At this point though it’s not even about the sex. If I could just have a man lay next to me or be able to feel some sort of something I think I’d be ok but that’s not happening. I’m really starting to think that I’m romantically anorexic.

It’s like the only thing I want at this time in my life is the one thing that scares the absolute shit out of me. I guess it’s like those people that are always depressed because they think that once they’re happy then they have something to lose. I think that’s me. I think if I actually admit that I like a guy or more then that’s when I have the chance to have my heart broken into tiny bits. So, I just act aloof and sarcastic and move on to the next one before I even consider that I might have feelings.

Again, none of these thoughts are new revelations but I’ve always assumed that if the “right” guy came alone he’d just say, “OK shut up. You like me. I like you. Lets do this. Stop acting like you are indifferent”. See, I need a guy to call me out on my shit. I’ve had a few friends call me out on my shit but that’s different. I need it from a guy that I actually do have feelings for. Does that make sense?

I realized that I am different than a lot of women out there. A lot of them that I know will just go out with any guy so they’re not alone that night. I can’t do that. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I feel like my time is worth more than some asshole that just assumes all women want him. But salted in these assholes that I meet are certainly genuine, good men. The other day I’d gone to get a package at my leasing office and the leasing agent wanted to show me around and tell me about some upgrades they were doing at my complex. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wasn’t sticking around here much longer but I let him show me around anyway.

As we’re walking around and he’s sharing stories he’s hinting that he lives close by. I think I knew it was coming but was trying to steer away from it but before too long he was asking me to go have drinks with him. He was cute, young, intelligent but I was not interested at all. I told him I was “kind of” seeing someone which we all know is a bunch of crap but it’s easier to say that than saying, “I want to be in a relationship but I have literally no attraction or connection to you what-so-ever”.

I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings at all. I am not a fan of lying but if it saves someone from being hurt then I’m ok with it unless I’ve promised to never lie to that person. There’s only two of those people in my life that I’ve made that promise to and been able to keep it.

On the other hand, about a week ago, a friend and I went to this dive bar. The bartender there who’s kind of an ass, decided he wanted to guess my friends age. He was within 3 years. I, curiously, asked him what he thought about mine? I asked how old he thought I was. I then made it a better bet and said he couldn’t get within 5 years of my age. I’d bet him $100.00. The only thing worse than this guys cockiness is his unwillingness to lose to a woman so he took the bet and thought I was 11 years younger than I actually am. After showing him proof I’d told him he could just comp our tab and we’d be even.

Those are the types of guys that give me a reason to be so jaded when it comes to dating and love and men. But at the end of the day I can only just keep replaying the quote that I wrote about in my last post… “You can’t fuck up what’s meant for you”. So basically saying that the universe is on time and I’m the one in a rush.

It’s tough though. I mean I’m happy being single because I like my alone time or time with friends but I miss what being in a relationship feels like. I miss the intimacy. I miss the joking romantic quips. I miss the comfort and the safety that having a man around feels like. I miss that feeling of being proud of him when other women are hitting on him and knowing that he’s actually mine. I miss the waking up and sipping coffee in the kitchen with stupid smiles on our faces because we’re giddy for a night. I miss the hand holding, the hugs that should never end. I miss sitting on the couch while his hand is holding on to my leg as if to say, “I need to stay in this moment for as long as possible”. I miss the impossibly long stares into each other’s eyes until you feel it in places that you’d forgotten about. I’m not even saying that I’ve ever had some of those moments before but those are the things that I want right now.

If I have to go through this entire winter without the warm feeling of a man’s body next to mine while I’m sleeping I’m not going to know what to do with myself. But here’s the truth, as I see it. As much as I say these are the things that I want and that I miss and as much as I’ve had all these qualities in a man that I want in my life listed; I understand that all that gets thrown out the window once I meet the right guy or I admit it. What I mean is that none of any of those things matter if I’m sitting next to a guy that I just have the right feelings for regardless of meeting some sort of arbitrary guideline.

I don’t have a “this is my perfect guy” in mind. I don’t have his qualities etched in stones. I think I just know when I just know or he shakes me to my core and reminds me what it feels like to be loved. I know that by saying that I’m throwing out all the past post but my point is I don’t think that falling in love is a choice. I think that it just happens. It sneaks up on you and one day you’re like, “BAM! When the fuck did that happen”.

I read somewhere that when you start to miss someone and you actually admit it that it’s possible it’s more than just missing them. I don’t miss random people in my life but I rarely admit it to the ones that I do miss. Maybe I feel like that’s too vulnerable but there’s a couple people that I miss a lot lately. I probably think about them more than I should and I guess it’s that time of year you’re supposed to tell someone when you do. Maybe you all can send me the strength to actually admit that outloud let alone tell them I do. Random last thought there.

It is what it is… Have I mentioned that I need a happy surprise soon? Hope you’re all having an amazing life right now and holiday. xXx

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Crazy ideas at 2 am…

It’s the holiday season. Can you feel it? It’s all about family and friends and joy. I feel it. Even on my bad days I still feel it. My mind is still not where it needs to be and a phone call letting me know someone in my circle (outer circle) had passed away last week didn’t help with that but I am still trying to stay in a good mood.

I realize that I shouldn’t “try” and that I should just BE in a good mood but I don’t think my mind works like that. I still feel disconnected and out of sorts if that makes sense. So, for some reason at 2 this morning I decided to join a dating app. Yep you read that right. Now, I’ve told you all stories about how I got on a couple other dating apps. One was a FWB’s that we’d sit around and play on it then another was a friend who set it up for me and paid for it because I lost a bet. I’m not a fan of dating sites. I don’t believe that’s an organic way of meeting people.

I have always felt that dating apps were forced interaction. You have to come up with something witty then continue some sort of dialogue that keeps you both entertained. Well, this is where my A.D.D. comes in to play. Usually I’ll talk to someone for a moment or two then I’ll get bored and if I don’t feel some sort of instant connection then it’s over before it began.

These are the reasons why I usually end up having the best relationships with someone who started out as a friend. Because we already have that connection, we get along and it’s not stressful trying to keep up appearances. We both already know each others quirks and it’s comfortable. My problem, especially now a-days, is that it’s hard to have that friend connection with a sexual attraction that keeps my body, mind and heart entertained. Also, since I’m so used to “checking out” of the outside world so much I need someone who’s cool with that or that has the ability to pull me back to reality.

My friend and I decided to drive to the beach Friday night out of pure boredom. We started a discussion about fate/destiny because I’d read this quote on some social media site that said, “You can’t fuck anything up that is meant for you. So stop being so scared (ego/fear) what will happen. Trust your intuition and let your heart and soul guide you on this journey. I promise you, you can’t mess anything up that is meant for you.”

I’d asked her if she believed in fate/destiny and if she believed in the quote that I’d read. It turned into a pretty interesting conversation. She said she believed in more than one soulmate where-as I do not. I believe that we have many soul connections but only one soulmate. I joked that I must have been taking a nap when my soulmate came knocking on my door.

I’ve had a lot of soul connections in my life, some were here for decades and some only short blips. Soul connections come to teach  you things. Make you remember things and wake things in you that you’d forgotten about. It doesn’t mean they stay. Some do though and maybe some of those turn into something deeper and maybe one of those turns into your soulmate. Who knows?

I do understand that each relationship is like a flower and you have to water, feed and even speak to it to let it grow. I have no problems watering and feeding any relationship except my problem is the talking to. I have a massive aversion to reaching out. I’ve said this before but I could be thinking of someone non-stop for days and still never reach out. I could blame it on being an Aquarius except it’s just a flaw of mine. There’s people in my life that I absolutely LOVE and if they didn’t reach out to me we’d have no contact what-so-ever. I’ve had soul connections with people that I’d never reached out to and it hurt. It hurts knowing that all I’d have to do is text, call or message some of these people and they’d be back in my life but I won’t, or don’t.

Those are the reasons that I’d asked my friend if she believed in the quote about, “You can’t fuck up what’s meant for you”. I’m not sure she really gave me a definitive answer but I hope that it’s true. There’s lots of people in my life that I’d like to have a better connection with and I leave it in fates hands whether they stay in my life or not. Maybe I do THAT out of fear/ego.

So what do I expect to accomplish through a dating app? I have no idea. The weird thing is that I don’t expect to meet anyone through it. Maybe I’ll have some weird but good conversations which I should probably be having with the men in my life that I already know but refuse to reach out to… Who knows. What I do know is that life happens in a strange way for me. Maybe I do meet someone. Maybe I meet them and start dating them then I take a trip around the world and decide that I fall in love with another part of the world and move there. That sounds amazing right now. But since that’s not going to happen immediately I have to find some way aside from just working out and going out to be happily surprised at life right now.

My friend, the other night, had said something that stuck with me though and it’s something that I’ve thought about and even brought up before. She said that she uses her heart too much or listens to her heart too much. That was her issue (her words). I’d said that I rarely listen to my heart and that I use my head all the time. She said maybe I should listen to my heart for once. The problem with this is that I think most men are used car salesmen. Not literally but they all want to sell you something. They want you to do something for them, they’re cashing in favors even before they’ve racked up points to use them. They’re full of lies and bullshit. I know that sounds like a very jaded version of men the truth here is that most of reaction to men is based off the ones that I’ve known through work, not even dated.

Most of the men that I’ve dated have been amazing men. They just weren’t for me. I know what I like. I do feel like Goldilocks at times. I think that one bed is too hard and one bed is too soft and I haven’t found the bed that’s just right. But whether or not any of that matters I think I’m going to conduct an experiment for the remainder of this year. I am going to use my heart instead of my head to do my thinking. Lets see how this works. I am intrigued to see what this experiment has to offer because right now, I feel so starved for intimacy that I am going crazy. Wish me luck. 🙂

Hope you all have the best week ever! xXx

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Occam’s Razor Part II and some real rawness…

It’s a day away from Thanksgiving where it’s all about thankfulness and giving and family and friends and gathering. I can’t actually tell how excited I am. I’m actually doing a quick turnaround trip going to the family Thursday morning and back home by Friday afternoon. My boss asked if it was because my family was getting on my nerves and my reply was, “No but this is how they don’t” I also told him he was getting on my nerves though. Luckily he’ll be leaving tomorrow for a week. This only reminds me that I am in need of a vacation so bad.

I am looking forward to seeing my family, mostly my niece but will enjoy the rest as well. My biggest issue with all of them is that they passively aggressively ask me about my dating life. I really can’t stand that. If I ever get to the point to introduce them to someone I’m dating then maybe they’ll be quiet. I just haven’t ever been at that point.

When my crazy friend and I went to stay at my brothers a few weeks ago there was this point where she and my brother were talking in the kitchen while I was out on the trampoline. She said they were talking about me and my reply was, “Nope, nope you weren’t and no I don’t want to know”. I really don’t think some people understand just how secret I like to live my life. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong it’s just that it’s no one else’s business. If I want to talk about those things then I will.

I would say that out of all my social media crap I use Instagram the most and at best I only post 2% of my life on there. I don’t really know where this secrecy came from or why but some of it comes from the fact that when I do mention something that makes me happy it does seem to go away. Like there’s some sort of spell on me. I’m aware that sounds bat-shit and paranoid but I don’t really think someone put a spell on me but I do believe in bad energy from others seeping into my world which is probably why I try to do so much good.

The last time I was really having a good time… towards the beginning of this year. When the drummer and I were spending time together. At first, I didn’t tell anyone and especially my crazy friend. One day she’d seem some messages come through my phone that he’d sent that pretty much confirmed what we were doing and then she knew. I actually hated that she did. I hated that THE friend knew about us but I didn’t want to go to the drummers shows alone because that appeared to girlfriend-like.

The only friend that I didn’t mind going with me was Dan and that was because he could read aura’s which he did and that’s a whole other post there. But once the crazy friend knew she was always asking what was going on and what we were doing. Sometimes she’d ask and I’d just sit there and stare at her until she’d ask something else.

I have this one friend of mine that is like a little sister to me. She’s the one that I’ve written about when we have our New Years tradition and one that didn’t wait for a man to get her pregnant and decided to have a baby on her own. I get to be his auntie too. But she hears some of my stories about the people around me especially my crazy friend and she always asks me why I continue to stay around these people because they don’t appear to be that great. She’s never been a fan of my ex Dan either because I was so much younger than him when we were together. I don’t agree with that position but she can have her own opinion.

Anyway, it seemed like the more and more the crazy friend asked about the drummer and I the less and less time we got to spend together. After one night that she’d come with me to his show and she actually saw us interact together I think she got jealous because then she’d always talk about all these messages he send her and the fact that she just ignores them. I told her the last time we spoke that if she was trying to imply that he was flirting with her every time he reached out to invite her to a show that I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that’s the last time we’ve spoken really.

The drummer and I haven’t seen each other since I went with Dan 2 months ago. About a week after that the drummer asked me to meet him on a Friday, I think and then I never heard from him again that night. Two months goes by and no apology and no explanation. I was pissed at first but excused it away. Then, last week, I get a message from him asking “Are you alive?” After we bantered for a minute or two he’d said he missed me which would have been great to hear if it wasn’t followed by asking for a favor.

I understand that he’s having issues in life right now. I get that and I am sympathetic which is why I never bitched about what he did. However, I’ve spent months excusing his behavior and actions away. Add that to the fact that for two months of silence I get to hear from my crazy friend that he’s been reaching out to her… Yeah, I’m not that girl who deals with that.

He then had the nerve to say that I’d promised something and hadn’t delivered. Here’s the thing. I HAD delivered and I probably could deliver again on that promise except why would I continue to go out of my way to help someone who’s NEVER truly treated me like a friend. So we have a few great nights together but he also made a promise to me and I’m pretty sure that’s been broken for months now. I made him promise that when this was over for him he’d tell me out of courtesy… Never happened and he expects me to show up to every single show like a loyal puppy… I refuse to be a mistress.

I’ve always been well aware that this “FWB’s” was NEVER about the friend piece for him and it’s always been pretty one sided. He’s never gone out of his way for me. We barely speak to each other and we certainly don’t confide in each other. I feel betrayed by someone that I was willing to be a loyal and private confidant to and to help out more than he would ever know going above and beyond what he ever thought. All I truly feel is hurt, lied to and fucking stupid.

I feel stupid because I’ve let someone take advantage of me because I felt some fucking stupid connection to. Apparently I was the only one that felt that connection truly because his side all seems like bullshit now. He’ll never know that he’s really hurt me and I tried, for the longest time to excuse all his actions away except the only explanation is  Occam’s Razor. The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct.

So basically we’ve not seem each other in over two months because he didn’t want to. We don’t talk because he didn’t want to. I’ve always told him that he’s the one with the busy life so it would be up to him to reach out and in the beginning that was the case. Then he disappeared like he never existed in my life.

Strangely, in my weird world, if he and I were just dating I’d write one line about him and move on but because I tried so hard to be friends first that’s where this stings. I’d shared things with him I’d never told anyone whether he remembers or not. All the things he told me stayed secret in my head, not to be shared with anyone because I am loyal and even now that whatever we were is officially over it will still never pass these lips. I won’t speak ill of him to anyone and I will miss watching him play at his shows. I will miss talking him up to strangers and I will miss those moments that we shared when no one else was around. I might even cry for those moments but I have so little patience for anyone who treats people like shit.

I’m so mad at myself here too because I didn’t see him like this at all. I honestly thought he was a good human. I thought that he had some damage from him past and that impacted the way he trusted people but I, in my soul, believe he was a good person who wouldn’t hurt me. The hardest part here is that’s all he’s done now.

I know that it’s hard to believe that I didn’t love him, yet. I mean I was in a lot of “like” with him but we never got close enough for me to feel anything more than a friend to him and like I said that’s the part that sucks the worst. I gave a lot of myself to him and did things that I’ve never done before because I felt close to him. I haven’t felt that closeness to him for awhile though and short of some miracle that occurs on his part it’s just over. There’s no discussion, there’s no finality or closure… It’s just done.

My Shaman once told me that the drummer was actually in love with me but like me, he runs from emotions and feelings. She said that he was stuck in his situation and that once he actually stopped for a moment and truly felt his feelings then things would change and that I’d get closer to him and we’d make each others lives better. She’s never been wrong before and for a while I wished that she wouldn’t be wrong now except I have very little patience for someone that uses someone and that treats someone who’s never done anything to them poorly.

So, I knew that I hadn’t written in a while and I knew that some of you had emailed and asked so I thought that I’d write one last post about him for closure. Yes I’m sad. No, I’m not heartbroken. Yes I’m pissed. I wish him true happiness. I wish that he figures out what he wants and needs in his life. I wish that he never feel the way that he’s made me feel but do want him to realize that he’s lost someone whom he should have treated a lot better than he did. I want him to have joy in his life, so much joy. I gave him something once that was made out of amethyst. It’s supposed to protect him from bad energy, give him positivity and protection. Maybe I should have kept that for myself the way I feel right now.

That’s what’s going on in my world that’s on my mind tonight. I will feel this and move on like I always do. Tomorrow is a new day. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and I am grateful that you all come here and interact with me. I thank you for all the amazing emails and comments (sorry I don’t post them all). I still believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and going through everything that I’m supposed to go through I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Nite xXx

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Weekend Relaxing…

As you all know I’ve been feeling a bit out of place lately, uncomfortable in my own skin again. Last week, at the last minute, my crazy friend mentioned she wanted to go out of town. I’d had plans all weekend but canceled them and said sure. So she and I went off to Austin for the weekend. I’d called my brother and asked if it was ok. I specified that we ONLY wanted to relax and not be entertained or actually do anything. It happened to be the perfect weekend.

We were planning on just going up Saturday and coming back Sunday at first. Then she called me Friday and said, “Fuck it. Lets go now.” So we’d got on the road just after 4 and literally spent the entire weekend just relaxing. My friend, who’s usually a talker, spent most of the weekend quiet, contemplative. I spent most of the weekend hanging with my niece, jumping on the trampoline and relaxing in his backyard. The weather was perfect. By the end of the weekend I had no regrets of canceling on anyone and even less regrets about spending most of the weekend in my pajamas.

With everything that’s been going on with friends, men and work I didn’t realize how much I really needed to get away. It was cathartic. It was sad though that the moment I came back, to my home, I immediately felt disconnect and crazed again. It felt like the moment I got back home I went immediately in my own head which is where I tend to overthink. My friend has already asked me when we can go back because it was that relaxing there.

I don’t really know whats wrong again. Obviously inside my head way too much but it’s other things too. Missing people, realizing some people really weren’t worth my time and realizing just how hard it is to find solid soul connections in my life. On the drive to my brothers my friend tried to bring up a few things and I just said, “Nope. Don’t want to talk about that/him/them.” So we didn’t talk much about anything all weekend. We got a little too high Friday night but had a blast anyway. Didn’t drink at all and we both actually slept well. I got the room next to my niece with gerbils who are actually kind of cool pets. (Random thought there).

But now I’m back, what’s next? I was supposed to go to a lunch meeting on the other side of town close to the beach at one of my clients this afternoon but that got moved to tomorrow. That means that I got dressed up and out of my pajamas, unpacked my boots and jacket for nothing. Whatever, I looked cute. 🙂

So back to, “What do I do now?” I have no idea. I guess I’m giving up on the relationship front again. I’m stopping the dates and only hanging with friends till at least after the holidays are over. That’s one thing that I guess with stop me from being in my head. Another thing, I had a friend ask me if I wanted to book bands for him at a new bar he’s opening late next year. It would be an extra paying job, so much fun and I’ve done it before so I know what I’m doing. Plus knowing a crap load of musicians in town and bands would make it easy. I wouldn’t be doing anything till next year though which allows me time to do my regular 9-5 job, plus my private clients and then help him. It’s something else to take my mind off shit. I basically told him that if he allowed me to throw some charity events there also I’d totally do it. He said I could do whatever I wanted.

Something you don’t know about me, when I was about 14/15ish I’d written a business plan for a coffee shop during the day and a bar/club at night. It was so detailed and I even got the name registered at the county courthouse. I’d always wanted to own/run a bar/restaurant establishment. I think mostly it’s my love of music because I wanted to have acoustic nights, band nights and charity events back then. Never did anything further than that though which is stupid because I know so many people now that would invest in my ideas. I guess it’s good to know people that have too much money than they know what to do with sometimes.

I actually have a lot of work to do now that my lunch meeting has been rescheduled but didn’t feel like doing that so I’m getting my thoughts out here so I have less to think about… Actually that’s not even going to matter since it’s a full moon tonight which is auspicious for my Aquarius people. I’m starting to believe less and less of that shit though since none of the good stuff is happening or I’m feeling too much of the bad stuff. I don’t know what this “stage” in my life is about. What I do know is that I need some unexpected happy surprises soon or I’m moving far far away.

So that’s what’s in my head for now. Not feeling connection to anyone or anything right now sucks. I might write later or not for weeks. Depends on what’s going on with me. I hope you’re all having an amazing week! xXx

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