Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.


Goodbye 2016 – The year the music and movies died…

I am ready for 2016 to be over and done with. It wasn’t my finest year, nor was it a great year for entertainment. So, as my last post for this year I wish all of you health, wealth and happiness for 2017. Things are gonna change for the best, I can feel it.

Rest In Peace to all the losses this year that have entertained, made us laugh and made it into the soundtrack of our lives.

George Michael

Carrie Fisher

John Glenn

Leonard Cohen

Gene Wilder

Muhammad Ali


Merle Haggard

Alan Rickman

David Bowie

Yes there were many, many more lives lost this year and I say, Rest In Peace to all. To quote John Oliver… Fuck 2016.

It’s time for a new beginning, a new year and some amazing changes. Blessings and love to all of you!


Seeing yourself in others…

So this next story is about a family trip. A few weeks ago my brother, sister-in-law and niece decided they wanted to come down and go to the zoo. Apparently their zoo sucks and ours doesn’t. So they got up at the butt-crack of dawn and drove 2.5 hours to meet me and off to see the lions and tigers and bears “Oh my”.

First disclosure, I actually hate the zoo. Well, maybe not HATE but dislike a lot. I’ve just never found it that interesting and it’s sad to see these animals in cages. But my niece loves all animals. A few days before my brother had asked about a couple friends to see if they’d like to come. I texted THE friend and in typical fashion he’d ignored the text as if it just disappeared into the universe without his knowledge and since I didn’t really want to hear some BS about how he never got it or some other excuse I’ve never brought it up. It’s painfully obvious that he only wants to be “secret friends” so I don’t know why I waste my energy on trying anything new. After that it discouraged me a bit so I decided to forgo asking anyone else and was just happy enough to hang with my little monkey.

They reached their first destination, my home, around 9:30 which if you know me then you know that that is to dang early for me especially on a weekend and I didn’t even get a chance to get my coffee in with fear that it might “kick in” at the wrong moment. I could already tell that my brother was agitated. Not really sure why but I didn’t care. It had been way too long since I got to hang with the coolest 3 and a half year old EVER.

She was sweet and immediately asked if I could sit next to her which was already a given. We were playing with stuffed animals the whole way there. By the time we’d actually pulled into the zoo it was already packed and hot and humid. Everyone stated where they wanted to go and what they wanted to see and so we commenced to finding appeasement for each. We saw the dinosaurs, tigers, chimpanzees and as he heat climbed so did my brothers temper. It was easy to see that he was going to explode soon and for no reason what-so-ever.

If you’ve been here, at my blog, for the long haul you’d know that my brother and I have always had a volatile relationship. He was an angry kid who chose to take it out on the most defenseless human he could. At that time it was me. I suffered years of verbal and physical trauma which finally was subdued when he went off to college and on a trip home one weekend a friend of his, whom I’d never met, caught my brothers fist mid air, right before it hit me. His friend looked at him and said, “If you want to hit something then hit me”. Mind you, his friend was a football player and much larger that he. After that, he never even attempted it again. That is another human that I owe a huge load of gratitude to.

But because of my younger years with him I knew what set him off, just how much he’d blow and how far to be back. He’s had anger issues for most of his life and he’s self-medicated about half that time with pot. I’ve always been a fan because if it wasn’t for that then I’m sure things would be much worse.

After a blow up in the car, for no reason what-so-ever his screaming was enough to almost give me a panic attack remembering all the ways he’d hurt me in my younger years. I’ve said before that the physical scars evaporated but the emotional ones never will. The moment I heard his start his screaming I went back into the 10 year old version of myself feeling invisible scabs being ripped off. Then what happened next brought me to tears.

I looked over at my carefree 3 and a half year old niece who was now playing with her new stuffed animals from the zoo and her body was frozen. Her face had the look of terror that I understood. From the look of her I could feel every single thing she was feeling in that moment because I had been there long ago and my only words for it was terrified. In that moment I wanted to ripe her out of that car seat, bundle her in a blanket and run far far away.

A few weeks after that, my friend in the Northeast and I were talking about that and I explained the version of the story that I remembered and he actually understood. He knows a lot of our history and he knows the history that my brother and I share. Growing up my friend was on my brothers side of things and now that we’re adults I’d say that he’s a much better mutual friend to both. I see him as another brother but one that I don’t have a terrible history with.

He ended up having a lengthy discussion about my brothers anger issues and situations that my friend had witnessed. None of it took away the pain that I felt for my niece and please understand that that is not a common occurrence with her around for him. It was just nice to talk to someone that knew the childhood stories of what I went through, listened to me and understood. That was exactly what I needed in that very moment and I am grateful to him for that.

The thoughts that come from the strangest places though. I knew at that moment that I would be a good mother if given the chance. But again, are my chances ruined because I’ve passed up so many. I would never be someone that would forgo the love for a man that I deserve just to have a child and I never have but does that mean that I’ve lost that part of my life? And so continues the regrets that I’ve had especially over the last few months.

These last few months have been a lot of things. I’ve seen dark days, black. I’ve been in physical and emotional pain. I’ve been depressed and bored. I’ve yearned for things that I once had and didn’t appreciate enough. But on the flip side of all of that I’ve also learned that the smallest of things can make me happy. The tiniest of deeds. The times that I’ve been the most happy were not being given luxurious gifts, expensive dinners or taken grand trips. I’m moved by things like someone taking the time to listen to me. I’m moved by the tiniest of expressions of love, caring and gratitude. I’m happy with the smallest surprises or the breaks from monotony. I smile at being the stories, the memories that others have to share. When people show loving concern. I have so many of those people in my life from my friend in the northeast who calls me and we chat away his entire 3 hour drive home, to my BFF who sends me messages that “even though you don’t want to talk I am here for you and love you”, to my GBF who calls or text every single day to see if there’s anything that I need, to my friend (the waiter that I barely know) who just paid for my entire dinner tonight.

It’s easy to be sad and depressed about the things that suck in life and the people who make you feel like less of a human than you deserve but it’s amazing when the other people in life make you feel exactly the way you want to feel at the very moment that you need to feel that. I have gratitude for all those amazing people tonight, the ones that bring me to tears in a good way.

None of that was meant to be a dig at the one person that I truly wanted all those things from. There’s lots of things that I cherish and that I am grateful for that he’s done or that we’ve done together. The times that he cleans, unknowingly with his OCD perfectionist style, I am grateful for. I miss the days that he would come to my door while I was “asleep” to (in my mind) check on me. I miss the days where he had climbed into bed, nothing sexual but maybe just to be next to someone else for a few moments. I miss the hand holding and the sweet kisses on the cheek and the hugs from behind. It feels as though it’s been an eternity since we’ve touched and probably won’t ever happen again. I miss the falling asleep together on the couch on a rainy day and having some part of his body accidentally find its way to mine to linger.

You see, all our most special moments to me are the ones that you can’t buy, measure or plan. They just happened and now, they’re all gone. It’s still a very sad place to be in when you find your heart empty and echoing the memories of yesterday. I can be grateful for all those things above and still sad that it’s come to this. God, I just wished that he’d just have paid a bit more attention to me and less to the social box inside a five inch piece of shit or to some new girl that so easily walks out of his life or that he still made the rest of the world disappear for just a few moments…

I’m not easily had and I don’t easily give. I wish he knew that this was a true, unique and meaningful gift.

Yes, things can easily be spun back to him in pretty much any story over the last few years but I will stop doing that soon enough and give him as much thought as is returned.

I give my gratitude to all those things above and the strength to move on.


Making myself better challenge… Day 23 (Tuesday)

1. One good thing: I’m realizing just how awesome thing new company is going to be that I work with and no longer for.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, a collective 57 minutes.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

Today may have seemed boring and it seems that I’m in a hormonal state which makes me want to cry but it was actually a good day. One thing I didn’t talk about yesterday is that before I even got to work on Monday my ‘other’ boss (who won’t be as of June 1st) sent me a long text apology. This is where I become cynical.

You see, I immediately assumed that his texted apology was because Ramadan was starting soon and it was more of a forced ‘I’m sorry’ rather than something deeply embedded as truthful apology. This brought up a lot of conversations about it.

My belief is that an apology not be forced. I feel like if you’re doing it out of some religious obligation or a twelve step something then it means less. I understand for some people an apology is one of the hardest things they can muster up and most times it’s followed by a reason for it. Those are not the wants that I want. I want the apologies that come with no caveats, no special circumstances.

I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t matter that much but for me there’s a difference. Regardless, I told him that I accepted his apology and shared some raw truth with him as well. Since we’re being honest I might as well explain why I think he’s a dick. Which is he. However, I did offer to help his with things after he leaves the company. So I guess I’m not entirely a heartless bitch, just mostly.

I’m already looking forward to a three day weekend. The idea of waking up Monday without the dread of “Oh shit, I have to go to work” is so nice. I’ve literally been working since I was twelve. I’m tired. I haven’t taken a real serious vacation in years. My weekend excursions to see family DO NOT count. Trust me when I say that going to see my family is just as stressful as work most of the time.

In all honestly thought, I think I’d rather save up some money and move my stuff into my parents guest house and go build homes or irrigation systems in some far off land where the people appreciate the little things in life. At least I have this new company to look forward to though.

My role in it is much of the same except it will just be three people doing what we’ve always done except better. We’ll be more efficient, more reliable and more relate-able to the general public. That’s one thing that I’ve always like is my customers and no it’s not because they treat me well and give me things. It’s because (and don’t go spreading this around) but because I care. I’ll still get to care but in an environment that doesn’t suck the life out of me.

To be locked in a prison with commercial grade strip lights for 40+ hours a week has never been a dream of mine. But what will be left is three people, a new outlook and some sort of comical “The Office” type sarcasm. I’m not sure what the next step in life has planned for me but right now I’m happy and also realizing that yet another one of the “predictions” has come true. How can they be so right about 99% of things yet wrong about the 1% of things that actually makes me the happiest.

Anyway, good day today. Hope you’re having a great week.



New Beginnings and The standard New Years post…

New Years Eve was a blast. There was alcohol, friends and new goals put in place. It was a great night that was salted with the abundance of friends, family and loved ones texting throughout the night wishing blessing upon blessing of good luck, health and happiness in the new year. There were many toasts and many things to be happy for and about.

We also observed many traditions, some where new and some I’ve been doing for years. The first one is to write about all the things that basically sucked about the year. This is to be done before midnight and we burned the list. Forgiveness and letting go is the basic mentality. Then, at midnight, we rush to eat 12 grapes symbolizing 12 months of good luck. Do you know how hard it is to shove 12 grapes in your mouth by 12:01. I’ve got a small mouth, which was confirmed by my dentist not my friends. Then we toasted with champagne, ate round fruit, kissed whatever we could find all while wearing new, red and pink polka dotted undies. The final tradition is to eat the “Good Luck” soup recipe that I concocted several years ago from several different recipes. While we do this, we’re writing our goals for the new year. It was quite a bit to do, in the span of just a few moments but it’s all done to ensure that the luck, prosperity and love will find us in the new year.

At the end of the day, I realize that we make up our own luck. It’s not about black eyed peas, grapes or new panties. It’s about how we choose to feel, how we choose to act and the things we choose to focus on through the year. And while it doesn’t erase everything that you actually want it to it still sets the ground work for a new year. That’s my whole processes this year, to make myself the best me I can be and not for anyone else. I need to do this because I don’t like to fail. I’m a control freak and things got out of control last year. I focused a lot on what I’d lost or things that I didn’t have any control over instead of focusing on the one thing that I can control and that’s me.

This isn’t about an entire overhaul because, truth is, I like myself and if the onslaught of texts at midnight was any indication of anything, many others have me in their hearts as well. This warms my slightly chilly heart. This makes me realize that one person, not wanting me in his life right now doesn’t matter because there’s way too many others that do. It also made me realize that if he ever wants to come back into my life then there’s absolutely room because I was sad to not have heard from him at midnight. So, he’ll never know this but he was thought of and fondly. There’s no negative emotions left because I left them in the last year.

I’m spending less of this year focus on the “dreams” that others suggested and shoved in my head. The dreams that I wanted but knew, deep down, would never come to fruition. I’m letting whatever happen, happen and I’m going to be “in the moment” more than ever. Being in the moment is something that I’ve always had problems with and sometimes it was because I was trying to distract myself from the moment that I was in but mostly it’s because I got bored easily. I’ve not gotten on to social media for months and that will continue. I’m not going to be distracted by texts, emails or calls while I’m spending time with others and I’m going to give myself a break when things do go as I expected them too.

I’m also not going to expect things or have any expectations. There’s no point in setting anything up for failure but rather I’d be surprised if a situation turns into something that was unexpectedly awesome. This leads me to another tradition that was started this year. One of the things that we had to write down was our favorite memories from last year and I realized that I had a hard time remembering anything. I couldn’t think of LOL moments, great times or my happiest memories. So, the Jar challenged was born. And when I say “born” I mean that it was stolen from pinterest or borrowed.

Basically we received large mason jars and in each one were tiny post it notes and a pen. The rules are these: Each time you receive a surprise gift, accomplish a goal, find the beauty in nature, have an actual LOL moment, a memory that you want to remember, a blessing or anything that made you smile you write it down on the post it and put it in a jar and you read them back next New Years Eve instead of focusing on the bad. I like this idea because it will remind me that my life isn’t as negative as I think it is or that good things happen to whether they are far between or not.

So, all in all, it was a great way to spend the end of an old year and the beginning of a new year. Now, my living room is full of clothes to go through. My wunderlist is full of to-do’s and my heart is full of love. I’m a big ball of fuzzy love today, which is actually the 2nd right now. I figure, you’ve got one day to recover from the year before and the 2nd is where it all starts.

I also need to focus on the fact that I can’t control anything else, that instant gratification is for immaturity and that I’m allowed to not be perfect. The people around me are not perfect and I love them just the same. But I do love the idea of revamping everything around me that I can control.

So, that’s my New Years day post. My wish is that you had an amazing night and that you were safe yet had a blast as well and if not, even if you had a low key night or even spent the evening with you, it doesn’t mean that your year will be filled with the same. No matter how you spent your night I send you all a blessing of a great new year, great memories and may your Jar project be overflowing with some of the greatest memories of your lifetime. I have extra jars and extra good luck soup if you need it.

Have a great night!



Ways to win my heart and other weird information…

I was talking with a new voice today at work and getting my flirt on, for a favor, and he’d asked me “What does it take to impress you?”. I give him balls for asking the question but I can only assume this came out because, even though I was flirting, I was also very aloof and completely stoic when it came to him. So, I started thinking, it’s really an easy question.

I am not impressed with money nor am I impressed with men that have only one side, which is always a sensitive side. I’m not looking for a savior or a sinner but someone in between. I’m not looking for young or old but someone in between. I’m searching for someone that can make me laugh which isn’t that easy. I’m not looking for someone who’s got the best job, nor the best car but someone who can challenge my knowledge and take me on a ride of adventure, even if we never leave the house.

I’m looking for a man that can hold his own with me, make me feel safe and important and that I can get lost in but always find my way out. He doesn’t need to entertain me every second of every day nor does he have to fill any voids that might be inside. I want someone who’s real enough to experience truth with but imaginative enough to think outside the box.

I need a man who notices the little things, like the fact that I don’t own an umbrella and probably should. I need someone who not only changes an empty roll of toilet paper but also puts it in the right direction. Apparently, that’s a skill that not all men share. I’d like a man who refills the water jug, knows where the soap is when it runs out and shares a space with me and doesn’t overwhelm it. He needs to know things, like my favorite scent, my favorite flower and knows me well enough to put together the most amazing mix CD or playlist when I’ve had a shitty day or am not feeling well.

A man who makes room for you on the couch even if he’s really into whatever he’s watching is my kind of perfect. A man who goes and gets my mail because he knows it would probably take me a month to go get it. I’d like a man to make me a watch queue on netflix because he knows I’ve never seen those movies. A man who puts extra socks on me because he knows that my feet are always effing freezing. These are all things I wish for.

They all sound simple enough right? I suppose if you find the right guy, that guy that you click with no matter what, that other stuff doesn’t matter but I guess my whole point is simplicity is perfect to me. I’ve had the diamond ring, the expensive car and the arm candy and none of that worked. It was never what I wanted. It was only what I was distracting myself with at that moment. I’m no longer looking for a distraction. I’ve had boyfriends and I have best friends but I’ve never had a best friend/boyfriend combo. I want that.

Having a year where I’ve lost a lot of friends and family makes you realize that time is not insignificant. Time is fleeting. Time is escaping us one second at a moment. Days, months, years count. You never seem to want the things that are right in front of you until they’re gone. Times isn’t something to be wasted.

These are all just the passing thoughts of finishing off another year and looking into the next. It’s not supposed to be a somber post, just a real one. I’m calling out to anyone who thinks that time is on their side, that they’ll always be a tomorrow, that you’ll always have a chance to get back something you’ve lost in the past. This is why you must be kind, always tell the ones you care for that you do and never take anything for granted.

No, I didn’t get any earth shattering news today. I’m just feeling nostalgic for things that I’ve never had in reality only in theory or dreams. But the best part of the New Year is that, to me, all things are cleansed to start anew. You can make amends. You can find something you’ve lost or someone that you’re missing. It’s all a chance or a “do-over” as I like to call it which is hopeful.

So, after the hangover wears off, after the black eyed peas have been scarfed down and after you’ve popped your 12 grapes after midnight, wipe your slate clean.

If I don’t get a chance to write tomorrow, have a happy, safe and wonderfully memorable New Years!


New Beginnings




Been away… Starting fresh, again. (Beware it’s a long one)

I’m still here. Still kicking. Didn’t run away. I realized that I needed to purge everything including this space for a while for a few reasons. First, I didn’t want to re-read my posts and hear the frustration, sadness or dwell on any of the bad times. Second, I just like new starts. It’s a tiny little way to re-do something, to change something or to move on. There’s actually been a lot that’s happened since I’ve been gone. I have been working out like a crazy person, which is great and it is my time to not think about anything or contemplate over everything. Either way it helps me figure some shit out.

I’ve been needing to figure a lot of shit out lately, hence the gone too long. There’s something that comes in waves in me. There’s an overwhelming need for me to feel connected to something or someone. The last few years have provided a lot of contemplation over things that I need, things that I want and things that I need to change. It’s been a tough road to realize that all the things that I want right now, I could have had with someone that was perfect but that finalized in such a way that there’s no hope for reconciliation. I was fighting a lot with myself, wondering if I’d made the right choice. I’d be in such a different place right now if my heart and my head were where they are now. Then, the same situation came up again with someone else, lately, that could give me everything that I thought that I wanted. He promised we’d have a great life, a family and that he’d take care of me and so started the “Maybe I can force the feelings” so I went ahead and started to date my ex. At first it was ok, but because we had so much history it felt like he put us on a fast track. He talked marriage and kids so quickly that it made my head spin. All I could think about was “I’m still trying to force myself to be comfortable with you. Slow the eff down”.

He’d quickly made room in his home for me, in days. Bought things that I’d like for the kitchen, bathroom. Started ordering the same food as me at restaurants. It felt so forced it was making me the opposite of comforted. Nothing was coming easy, by the way of feelings for me and it seems like he was just trying so hard to paint me into this corner that I started to feel like a trapped animal. I couldn’t breath. Even after all that, I still hadn’t stayed the night but once and even that morning I’d left while he was making coffee. I made sure to not leave anything there, even in the spaces he’d set aside for me. I knew that I couldn’t do this anymore.

For some reason, my most meaningful relationships have a three year expiration tag on them. He was no different when we were young but there was no way this was lasting that long. It hadn’t even been three weeks. As I said, he took our history to mean that we’d just pick up there. In the interim of all of this I’d decided to go back to my therapist. She’d asked me about the man I was seeing. I told her a quick run down and explained that my Best Friend had suggested that I needed to try to let a connection happen and that I was trying to do that. She asked why? She said that I am a pretty smart woman and if I know that it’s not going to work then there’s usually a reason why. She then asked about my other male friend that I’d spent so much time with. I explained that we weren’t spending as much time together and that it seemed hard now, and we fought all the time but that I wasn’t there to talk about him, or the other one. I still see myself as broken and need to fix me but then she said this, “You were never broken. You have been going through life and some things that people should never have to go through and that coming to the surface has made you realize that you need things in your life that you’ve pushed away for such a long time. After years of being asked to marry and contemplation of children you finally meet someone that can only offer himself to you and nothing else and you realize that this is all you want and possibly need. (Talking about the friend)”

She also went on to say that two “friends” that seem to argue or fight all the time are usually two people that care immensely about each other but don’t know how to handle it. I laughed and quoted the phrase “You always hurt the ones you love right”? She asked why I’d used that term and I explained that it was because I’d gotten into yet another fight with my friend and decided to write out my thoughts to him because it’s the only time I have clarity. That was the first line in the letter. Then she’d brought up something about it being sexual pent up energy. I’d love to assume that’s where our bickers comes from because at least there would be a way to fix that but that probably goes more for me than it does to him. She’d, then, made me do an inventory of things that I liked in men and things that I was attracted to. After finishing this daunting task I realized that my “ideal man” went out the window the first day I met up with my friend again. I found myself realizing that this picture of what I thought I wanted had nothing to do with the man that I had fallen in love with and still possibly do. Some days I have no idea how I feel.

I knew there was a time when he’d spend a few days here. We’d be cuddling and doing “date-like” things and I’d catch myself. I’d be thinking that it was nice and that I didn’t want this to end but then other men would come into my life and I’d get the chance to do those “date” things with them and I never wanted to. I’d been given the term “soul-mates” so many times to describe who my friend is in my life but then had to realize that as much as I’d been honest with him about my feelings, he’s been just as honest about his, or lack of feelings for me. Doing the inventory list I’d realized that there were so many boxes on there that he’d checked. I’ve said that I always needed a man that would try to force himself to take care of me, even in little ways. He moved me to the opposite side of traffic so he’s closer to cars. He looks after my health. He plans out perfect evenings. He knows the things I like and don’t like. He challenges me every single time we’re together. But, I’ve not been honest with him. If I had the chance to be honest I’d say, “Please stop doing the things that I love in you because it makes it so hard to move on from you. How am I supposed to find someone when all that happens reminds me that I only like those things when they come from you.” I have also lied to him as early as yesterday. I’d made a flippant comment about sleeping with guys of a certain height because I knew he wasn’t that tall. That was a lie because I have slept with him and would do it a thousand more times if the chance came up but he’s not interested or hasn’t made a move to, or (and this is less likely) I’m completely oblivious to his flirting.

None of the above matters though because I’ve tried desperately to not have any feelings or him and to use them with someone else. Fact is though, things don’t work like that. I’d like to say, “Hey lets be a couple when we’re together and when we’re not together, do whatever you want”. I’d like to say a lot of things. But we are, at the very least, getting better at communicating, understanding and realizing that we do what we do to each other because we care. But this brings me to the breakup night… My ex (twice now) and I were doing something boring and my attention wasn’t there. I’d been trying to put my phone away or turn it off as he never kept his on when we were together, he’d politely brought up something that was trivial and I could tell he wanted to argue. I just gave in and said “fine”. I realized that I had no fight in me. There was no passion. There was nothing holding me to his ground at that very moment and there hadn’t been since we’d been seeing each other. So there again, I’m sitting next to someone who’s trying to put his arm around me and trying to start a life together and I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

I still want those things above, badly. I want a family, a normal life and I want to feel that connection too. If I trade in one of those things I’d be doing myself damage. Maybe I’m not meant for “normal” but I know that I can’t settle for someone that I don’t even have the energy to fight with. I don’t know what my friend and I are nor do I want to let that go. On a good day I feel like we were both meant for so much more in life (in general) and to each other. On the bad days I just want the times back when I knew without a doubt that I was more comfortable than I’d ever been before. If I’d been reading signs like I ask for all the time I would actually believe all the hype about us being soul-mates. I’d really hate for our story to end with “too little too late” but I’m not expecting anything more from our future either.

Thanks for listening. I’ve got an hour left of cardio before the night is over and I’m exhausted. I guess that’s how this chapter of this part of the story beings. Have a wonderful night to all of you. x

My first song back.
My Love Will Never Die By: Hozier