The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

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Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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Last weekend was a drag, but my week was great…

Sunday was my GBF’s birthday and we decided to go, on Friday to a drag club. I thought it would be fun since I was doing a Keto/training reboot starting April 1st so I was going to go out with a bang. There was a pretty large group of us and half were drinking. Mix that with drag queens and yes, it was a blast. We also did a much tamer brunch on Sunday with his closest friends which was also great.

I’ve said this before but my friends become my family and I’ll do anything for them. This is especially true for my GBF since he gets to see my neurotic, compulsive weirdness more than most. I am blessed to have him in my life for sure.

Now, prior to Friday night my previous weekend was so much crap. I’d had numerous plans each day basically starting at 5 on Friday. I should have known that because I’d had a full calendar that nothing would go as planned and it didn’t. Now, this might have something to do with the insane amount of 12:34’s that I’ve been seeing. One interpretation of this is to simplify your life. Since then I’ve been going through my stuff to give, throw or put away. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate after losing your shit. But the point here is that that weekend I didn’t go out at all.

Usually by Monday, if I’ve not done anything over the weekend I feel deprived. This was no exception. Monday comes and goes and I’m starting to get into a funk. My mood is sad, or depressed or something. Something wasn’t sitting right in my soul. That’s when I decided it’s time to get back on the workout/eating right wagon which started yesterday.

Tuesday, well that was a little different. During the day I was getting so much work done to distract myself from how crappy I’d been feeling and just after 5 the drummer asked if I’d come over to his new place. I don’t think we’d seen each other since the night we’d sat in my car and listened to music. Even though I’d already had plans I canceled on them and decided to go over.

We went to a local bar of his first and had a few drinks then went and hung out at his place. It was a really good time. I won’t go into much detail but I still have bite marks on me from a week ago and strangely that’s exactly how I like it. BUT we actually talked a lot and listened to music as well. It’s actually kind of spooky that we’ve had similar situations in our lives. Most prolifically is our fathers and probably how we both feel about them now.

I’ll probably only admit this right now to you guys here but I’m kinda liking this guy. I have lots of fun when we’re together whether it is learning his history or listening to music or getting bitten. I still can’t tell what he’s thinking though, about us. I think that I must have reached my quota at one point by telling him that I don’t want to hear bullshit, only real shit because, I think, he said that nothing he’s ever said to me is bullshit. Now, the reason I say “I think” is because I’m wasn’t completely sober and neither was he which is another reason why I’m not convinced that what he says is real.

I am trying to be more open to whatever comes my way and I’m not “seeing” any one else but also not trying to be a stupid girl at the end of all this either. I’m living in the moment, having fun with him when I can and trying not to girl brain any situations at all. I’m realizing his faults or flaws and trying to be above them. I think that’s growth right?

We’ve almost know each other for a year now and in a year I can usually see and be annoyed by someone’s faults or flaws BUT I am choosing to be better than that. One thing that used to bother the crap out of me is the whole, “respond to a message” thing. I guess, because I use my phone for work which I work 24/7 I respond as quick as possible but others do not, or negate the message completely. It annoyed me in the beginning but I can acknowledge that as a flaw and move on or I can let it drive me crazy. At the end of the day I know he’s got a much more hectic life than I do and I’m not going to let it drive me crazy. On the same note one of the absolute BEST things about him is that he is NEVER on his phone when I’m with him. That’s so fucking awesome I can’t even explain it. I think that actually makes up for other.

I’m still pretty secretive about him though, mostly because I have no idea what we are. But also, and you guys know this, I don’t like to shout about my “ships” to anyone. It’s no one else’s business. But there’s also part of me that’s never really wanted everyone else to ask, “So where is this going?” especially because I don’t even know. My family is coming down here in just over a month and I know I’ll get the obligatory “Are you seeing anyone?” and most likely my answer will be no besides, he’s still newly single. He needs to go out there and experience what’s out there. While I wouldn’t mind seeing him more at all I’m not freaking out that we are not. See, this is so much growth.

I think I’ve said this before but that mouth of his… Wow. I could kiss him for days. I could even just sit next to him and listen to him talk and listen to music for days. I will say that there’s a lot of things that I’ve asked for in my intention settings that he checks off on those lists. I have yet to have the, “Oh by the way, I’m seriously fucked up about love, intimacy and my history is a cluster-fuck of horribly bad events” talk. It’s not that we’re close to having that talk but I think he’s getting some idea already.

As much as I look like a tense cat when someone tries to be intimate with me (by that I mean the hand holding, kissing, caressing and things like that) I like when he holds my hand, hugs me and I even like the things he says even though I can’t read where it registers on the bullshit meter yet. I would like to have an overnight stay soon though. I mean, it’s been me going to his part of the world till 4/5 in the morning then driving home and sleeping for a few hours before getting up to work again. While I don’t mind that I’d still like to see each other without having to rush to get anywhere or do anything.

Funnily enough, we joked about taking a trip together which, since we’ve not even had an overnight stay with each other seems far beyond reality but I wouldn’t care if we went camping, to the beach or even to Austin for a day or two. All I’m saying here is that I like what I’ve seen so far. I hope he does too but if he doesn’t I’m ok with that too. I’m open to him and yet still guarded enough to not get hurt down the line. I’m being smarter this time. Still turns me on more than any man has EVER.

Now, when we’re not together is when I get to spend my time working on myself. That part I like as well because I never feel better than when I’m eating right, working out and meditating for me. Pretty soon, I’ll look even better and will either be turning the others away even more so than I am now or I’ll be accepting those requests for dates. Depends on what April has to offer. Right now though, I’m happy. That’s what matters. The drummer is in this chapter in my life and I’m liking this book right now. I am also grateful for him tonight and am grateful that he saw something in me a year ago that made him want to “friend request” me on Facebook and real life.

Nite xXx

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The Unapologetically Uneducated…

One thing that I find myself doing, a lot, is seeking and searching for knowledge. My GBF’s sister jokes that if one of us doesn’t know something, “Just wait they’ll look it up”. I do this because I have a thirst for knowledge which is much different in this world than a thirst for gossip. The also do this because I would be an uneducated useless human if I didn’t.

So back in school, I was horrific. Let me explain. I loved school up until High School and once that hit I found modeling which led to drugs which led to musicians which led to so much fun. I am inherently smart. On my standardized testing I always scored in the top 5% of the country. My IQ is technically “genius” but that’s just a number. All that means is that I can retain what someone else has asked me to.

To me, being intelligent is about the ability to research and make your own conclusion about things, ideas and people that have not been ingrained from years of scholastic repetition. Intelligence is the ability to, not always agree with someone’s ideas but to, find some sort of reasoning as to why things MIGHT be different and at the very least to listen to someone else’s idea.

My first real test of this was religion. I was raised until I was five going to church with my Grandmother. My father is an agnostic and my brother is an atheist. My mother, I believe, believe’s in a higher being but doesn’t really think much about it. Basically, I grew up being the family that allowed “grace” to happen as a preamble of a meal and waited to politely say “amen” but mostly, uncomfortably, doing it out of respect.

Years ago, my real truth expedition began. I read a lot about all kinds of religion. I even read the bible. I had many conversations with people from the Christian Church, Buddhist, Muslims, Shamans, Wiccans all the way through atheists. I wanted to know where their belief system came from. The majority of people inherited their religion and never found a reason to question it. Then were the people that basically chose an entirely different path BECAUSE the one that they’d inherit didn’t fit their lifestyle.

Now, doing my research I started in the Church of England personally but not by choice. I was too young to decide. Years later, as a teenager I found some solic in the Wiccan religion because of the draw to nature and the female presence. Now, and for some time I’ve been feeling out the Buddhist religion. In all my searching and researching I discovered the one basis of most all religions which is kindness. Let that sink in for a bit. Almost ALL religion states that one must live a kind life and be kind to others. So that is my first commandment, if you will.

The other issue is that I found a lot of religions to cast out people that didn’t fit a certain mold. I have a lot of gay friends and just because I am not one doesn’t mean that it’s ok for me to abide by any scripture that states anyone should be cast out for loving someone different than what they decided the “normal” would be. In the same breath some scripture states to not judge anyone else except that’s exactly what is done by casting out one type of person.

At the end of the day though, I believe just like in relationships, that religion is not a cookie cut type of situation. Things, people, technology all evolves but the one thing that doesn’t seem to evolve is religion. Why not? It should be used as a buffet that allows you to learn about each culture, meaning and ritual that each religion has and address to your own life accordingly.

That’s why I say I am spiritual. I believe in the sun and the moon. I worship nature. I try to treat everyone kind and equal. Isn’t that what life’s about? It’s about learning, educating and accepting those things that are not breed in you or jaded unto you by your parents, surroundings, or even school.

While I understand why a lot of people have chosen to believe in the higher power as he is set in stone in their cookie cutter religion, I also believe that in this world that we’ve created we’ve made the most easily accessible society the most lonely. We are more connected today than we’ve ever been before yet more and more people feel alone and disconnected from themselves, their families and the world. We can order a steak dinner to be delivered in 30 minutes but we can’t seem to be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

In that world described above I understand that some people choose to believe that the higher power is up there with open arms to embrace them at a moments notice. They feel less alone and always taken care of. I’m not saying that I don’t believe because there are times that I’ve cried to a higher power to take away my pain and suffering. I’ve blessed people that I didn’t know going through a hard time. I’ve thanked a higher power for getting me through something. There is a comfort in this. But I can not unequivocally say one way or another whether this is a fictitious image or whether it’s real. Truth is, I just don’t know. But I will always try to find ways to educate myself in all things because you can’t fight for something if you don’t know why you’re fighting for something.

I recently had a conversation with someone that had entirely different thoughts than I’ve had. He has different versions of what I’ve been taught to believe. His entire mindset seems like the opposite end of the spectrum. After he was done talking he’d asked if I, now, thought he was crazy. I replied, “No, I think you’re fascinating. I might not agree with everything you say BUT I will always listen.”. Since then I keep thinking of these things he’s said and done some research about this realized even more than no one should just be complacent to what they’ve been taught. Always keep an open mind and heart.

But, if you believe in nothing else, believe than kindness to all is never a bad idea. Even if you go back to the thoughts, or ideas that you’ve always had to believe in you’ve made an educated decision to do so. Believe in your convictions not because you have been told to but because you know, unequivocally that they are the truth that you’ve seeked.

Just my words tonight… Be kind. xXx

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Weekend Warrior and Some Rambling…

I’ll have to admit first that writing in the middle of the day is strange. The urge usually hits me after midnight but I’m sitting here with words trying to escape my mind. So, I thought I’d see what poetry or sober ramblings appear.

My weekend was long and unrestful. Friday, all I could do was wait for 5:00 to come. Although I knew we had a busy weekend of work to do as well. I’d started getting ready for a nice dinner out with my GBF and his sister to celebrate her birthday. Had no idea what the night would have in store after but looking forward to what ever anyway. The restaurant was a nice upscale steak house, darkly lit and wine menu bigger than the rest. We ordered, chatted and enjoyed while making friends with the waiter who gave us a lot of stuff for free. It was nice.

Earlier in the day my boss had heard from his ex-girlfriend’s best friend who said, “We need to talk”. I think it was the worst time for him to hear this as we had a big weekend planned and he emotionally broke down. To this day, he still doesn’t know what the “talk” is about but he’s a pessimist. So, he’s looking at the worst possible outcome. But he was crying, angry, sad, crying, angry sad… You get the idea. It was a perpetual roller-coaster. I get it. I’ve been there but knowing that he had to drive to the beach over an hour away after midnight I didn’t want him to go by himself. I’d offered to go with him.

Now, last week had been a crazy week for me as far as sleep. I got it when I shouldn’t have and didn’t get it when I was supposed to so my sleep schedule was all over the place. I knew it would be a late night so came home after dinner changed clothes and emotionally “readied” myself for my late night excursion with my boss. I got to his place around 11 pm and played with his dog for a while, while he finally ate dinner. We finally got on the road about 11:30 pm.

The weather fit his mood perfectly. It was dark, rainy, foggy and disruptive. It took us just over an hour to get there and during that time it was 75% of him saying the same things he’s said about the break-up as he had for the last few months and 25% of me being that nice supportive friend. We got to the beach and did what we went there to do and started the drive back around 2 a.m. At this point, I’m tired and cranky and that 25% of me being nice was turning into 50% of me being harshly real.

You see, about a month ago, I re-explained a memory or event that my boss and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight over and in no time he was able to see his mistake as to why it became a fight and why his girlfriend reacted in the way she did. I knew that he’d grown spiritually and emotionally just because for the first time in a very long time he was able to see the argument on the other side of things. Knowing that I’ve been re-telling him stories of events that have happened since I’ve know him and trying to explain to him that his actions or reactions have never been empathic.

The problem with all of this is that I’m not trying to bombard him with all these memories nor am I trying to make him feel like shit about anything but I’m trying to make him understand that he has needed to change for years. He’s finally getting it. Some days, with him, I’m supportive and nice and understanding but some days I’m real, honest and trying to teach him because right now, this very moment in time, he’s more open to understanding than ever before. I am grateful for THAT this weekend.

After getting home that night at around 3:30ish and fixing some sleepy tea I finally went to sleep around 4:30/5ish in the morning. I’d decided the night before that I was going to “ground myself” and not do anything except that lasted all of about a few hours. Before long I’d agreed to go to dinner. Then it was “I’ll just go see my DJ friend at a club for a minute”. By the end of Saturday night it was Sunday morning and I was no closer to getting any rest over the weekend what-so-ever. But it was nice to see my friends.

Sunday was a bit boring for me… See, nothing is ever good enough. I went from going out too much to not going out and now it’s boring. My life has very little balance in it in my mind. Some of that is because I’ve not been working out, meditating or doing yoga for a while now and I feel out of balance. So I need to get all that back and go back to clean living again. Where are my yoga pants again?

Disclaimer – all that above was written before midnight and now I’m home and it’s after midnight for the finish.

So that was my weekend which was fun and exhausting and long and short. Mondays are always hard after those weekends because I can’t seem to get my bearings. I can’t seem to find solid ground so I worked as much as I could and then decided to nap before dinner. My dream was so vivid. I woke up from my dream just trying not to move so as not to disturb the memory. It was a good dream. It was about the drummer which I’ve not heard from really since Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. We texted a bit but nothing came out of it. And THIS is where things are different for me.

You see, again, I’ve made myself a promise to not react the same that I did with THE friend. Just to be clear this situation is no where close to the situation with THE friend either. I don’t have “feelings” yet for the drummer because we’ve not spent as much time together but I realize that if I did spend more time together I probably would. I’ve promised myself to not run from those feelings.

I am also more understanding with this “ship” because I understand that the drummer is going through a lot of shit. Bundled in that term “shit” would be his whole life. I understand that “just some chick” doesn’t need to come in and change anything so I’m distant yet concerned and helpful yet, hopefully, not a pain in the ass. I offer my help, an ear, a shoulder, possibly other body parts all to ensure that he feels safe with someone. I’m not asking for all his secrets and feelings and dreams but because he and I are both Aquarius’s I’m well aware that we can try to go through the worst of things all by ourselves. I’m not expecting to be the “one” that he shares everything with but I am offering the help because if the situation arose I’d feel better that someone offered me the help. Even though, in my mind, I’d probably not divulge anything real to someone I barely knew.

The other part of this is that before, I’d have been so upset or starting to spiral about why “I’m not good enough” or some other girl brained crap. Fact is, this guy has so much going on it really has nothing to do with me. This isn’t about me. You see, in finding all the perfect words, phrases and examples of memories to help my boss in his current state I think I’m actually giving myself advice that I should be listening to. Now, I finally am listening. It’s a whole brave new world over here. That’s not to say that I’m not having those girl-brain moments but I’m learning from my mistakes. What’s the point in making them if you can’t learn from them.

There’s my weekend and my current state. This is where I confuse myself though because within my weekend there would have been a story about a boy that I met. He was sweet and we hit it off. That was actually a big part of my weekend but because I didn’t immediately feel a connection to him he makes a small no name part in my weekend movie. There’s so much more about life that happens but it’s always about those that I feel the most connected to. I’m learning to embrace the connections, trying to open myself more and trying to fill my good karma bank all in the same breath. While I seem slightly obsessed at times it’s just what gives me the power to write about. I meet guys all the time that I just don’t care to remember to write about. So much for this being a blog about my dating life. The drummer once said to me that I didn’t get the attention I deserved. I then told him I thought he wasn’t as happy as he appeared. Turned out that we were both right. Strange vibe that night… and for this night, I’m done.

Nite xXx.

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.