Making Change… The Wrong Way.

There’s a grocery store that I frequent that makes you insert a quarter in to a cart to use it but you get it back when you return the cart. Smart right? Except for those of us that never have quarters. Today I went to get the usual steak, eggs, yogurt, raspberries and coffee and there was already a cart there that someone didn’t get their quarter back. I used the cart but instead of getting the quarter back I decided to just leave it for the next person. Except, the guy next to me who returned his cart and got his quarter back looked at mine and got that quarter too.

There’s a reason I just delved into that boring segment of my life. That instance shows you someone character. He didn’t say, “Excuse me ma’am you left your quarter.” He basically just did that and lowered my impression of him without even knowing him for only the price of a quarter. Watch people long enough and without a word you can tell by their actions who they are.

This leads me to my Friday night. A few weeks ago my GBF had scheduled a beach day for a few of us. We were all going to take off work and just go “beach it” for the day but something came up and we ended up not going. Then another friend of mine asked if I wanted to drive with him to the beach for some errand. I said sure. That fell through. Then at the last minute my crazy friend decides to ask if I wanted to run an errand with her… at the beach. Well, guest what else was at the beach that I thought I wouldn’t be going to… Yep, the drummer had a gig. It has been too long since I’d seen him and thought I’d have to miss this show too but some weird mind fuckery made it possible for me to go and see my obsession for the evening.

My crazy friend and I hadn’t really spoken in a while which made it all that more weird. We went and did the errand and then arrived at the venue just after 10… Damn he looked good. He’d apparently given me this huge smile when he saw me. After we’d been there a few minutes we got a table at the front next to these two guys. My crazy friend started talking to the less attractive one (in my opinion) which in turn meant that the other friend had to come talk to me.

As far as I was concerned I never go to bars to pick up men. I wasn’t an asshole to him but my body language never showed any interest in this guy. It didn’t seem to matter. However, the first thing this guy asked me was, “Is he your husband”. I shit you not. I think I looked at him like he was crazy but HE also said, “I just thought he was because I saw him when you walked in”. Seriously though, he does have the cutest smile when he looks at me but no where in that smile does it say, “She’s my wife”.

Towards the middle of the evening the friend (pink hat guy) kept trying to fix my vape pen which stopped working the moment we got there. At one point he’d left and I thought he was just in the bathroom but had traveled to two different convenience stores to try to replace it. Just a little too much. When I’d gotten up at one point and this guy (pink hat guy) was almost following me the drummer went on a break and got right between us and asked me to grab his ass cause it was soaked with sweat. I think that’s the point where pink hat guy just sat in a chair and pouted.

Fast forward just a bit and here comes mint shirt guy. Now, this guy was interesting. First, he’d come over and offered to buy me a drink which I declined because it was a long drive home. I then introduced him to my crazy friend and said she likes to drink and asked if he’d purchase her one which he did. He then turned back to me and starts saying the dumbest shit. The guy was only 25 and I made him show me his license to prove it. He kept saying things about “cougers” and that he always wanted someone with “experience”. He was slightly entertaining but I was mainly just talking to him because then I didn’t have to look at pink hat guy who I actually felt bad for. At some point the drummer came over and said, “Come on, lets go outside”. Then mint shirt guy decided that I was “taken” as well.

So, just to count that’s two down and I really didn’t have to do anything. There was slutty dancing girl who felt me up like a table dancer at one point and blue shirt guy who was just drunk and fun and who came and danced with me but the night was fun. I was pleasantly surprised that when I finally went to bed at almost 6 in the morning that I had a really good time with the drummer, my crazy friend and even the weirdo’s who frequent that bar.

I’m afraid to tell him the stories from Friday night in case they freak him out because he doesn’t want to appear to be anything but single. But it kind of freaks me out too because I didn’t think our chemistry was THAT strong. Well, actually I did but didn’t truly believe it till now.

The one part that bothers me the most though is that I was technically the “single one” and I declined 2 numbers and a facebook add. My crazy friend just gave her number and facebook to whoever asked for it. Seriously? Yes, this is my married friend. We did have a long talk when we got to my place where we talked about the fact that she can’t have a husband, a boyfriend and several Misters… It’s just not right. If I can reject all the ones I did why can’t she?

We also talked a bit about the drummer because my crazy friend got to witness our chemistry first hand and so could, apparently, all the other guys. I’m not even mad about this. I don’t really know what about that evening that I liked so much but maybe it’s because I liked the idea of feeling like I was his, as far as these other guys saw. I liked that. I wasn’t a fan of the “husband” comment but still liked that pink hat guy knew I wasn’t “available”. But that night must have been close to the full moon because I didn’t particularly look great. It was hot and humid and my hair looked like a cat hairball. My clothes were just basic and drenched in sweat. I thought my lipstick was too dark and my eyes were too black. Somewhere I was getting hit on like crazy but I was only there for one thing and for one guy. He’s all that mattered to me.

These are the nights when I’m kicking myself because these are the nights I want to be with someone I’m actually dating. Those feelings, those conversations that always seem like there’s more to say but we don’t have time. Those smiles… OMG… Those smiles. There’s a few videos where I’ve caught him smiling at me and it’s just the cutest thing in the world. When he’s up on stage doing his thing I’m just so super happy and proud that we know each other. In those moments I am privileged,  blessed and happy.

These are the moments that, as much as I want to live in the moment, I have to realize that we are not THAT couple. We are not even a couple at all. I just know that one of his shows one of his other women will show up and it’ll just get weird after that. My crazy friend said that being around us together you can just feel that energy between us. That’s some strong fucking energy… Life really is unfair sometimes. It’s unfair because those are the moments that I actually want to be a couple. I left there that night with a sense of pride, excitement and just of having a great time without complications or drama. I really did love it and while the drummer and I didn’t get to do anything nasty, when we’re together doing nothing it still feels like we’ve done something if that makes sense. I will also say that my crazy friend said the look on his face when I said we were leaving that she could tell he was actually really sad to see me leave. But then again she’s also my “crazy” friend.

It’s probably good that I don’t see him more because as you can already tell I’d be in trouble. I’d be in so much trouble. This way, the time we spend apart actually decreases that “obsessive” part, almost reboots it so it doesn’t keep intensifying. It’s just so hard that we get along so well, have such a great time and there’s nothing he does or says that I don’t like or don’t get. There will soon be more parts of him than anyone else in my intention setting jar.

If I rub the bottle three times and he comes out of it then this universe has some really funny, mind fuckery going on. Life does have a sad sense of humor to put someone in front of me that is kind of perfect for me and yet someone who isn’t looking for the same things I am.

The bits in between seem so minimal compared to Friday and I really don’t want to like this so much but I’m trying to live in the moment. So I enjoy all while still being realistic because nothing lasts forever. I’m going to leave you with a song that he keeps playing or wanting me to play or it happens to come on in a bar we’re in. I could girl brain this to death except he’s already admitted that all the nice shit he says is bull so chances are that he’s played that song for other girls too but it’s a great song. Nite xXx

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My Week of Men…

I literally started writing this a week ago, then something happened and I write more and then something else would happen and I’d delete it. So now it’s 2 in the morning and I’ve been home for an hour, taken a shower and am just a bit more high than I thought I was 2 hours ago.

First, I’m finding my life a bit more stressful than normal and finding it so nice to get high lately, which I never used to do at least not very often. The thing with that is it puts me in these moods. They’re these composed, contemplative reflective moods. I guess that’s ok and it also depends on who I’m with when I do. Tonight on my drive home I was obsessed with this song by Hozier called Movement… OMG I’m in LOVE with this song. But it just started me thinking about my week and the men in it.

Monday or Tuesday, I’d gone out with this guy friend of mine, of course. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. We actually used to be neighbors when we first moved to the states. His dad and mine where best friends. I’d gotten back in touch with him because he owns 2 bars and I was hitting him up to have the drummer play there. Didn’t work out but we did decide to hang out.

The last time I actually saw him in person was probably 20 years ago and he was a dancer at LaBare which if you don’t know what that is it’s a strip club for females. I never thought he was attractive because he had some of the worst teeth I’ve ever seen which he’s since gotten fixed but still no attraction plus we’re more like siblings than anything else. Anyway, we hung out and talked about old times, family and bullshit. It was ok but I don’t see myself going out of my way to hang out much with him again. The next couple days were “boring” compared to the end of the week.

I’ve spoken about my ex Dan before. I think he’s an amazing guy but we would never work out in the long run even though we did consider having a baby together (years ago) but he and I have these weird periods of time when we don’t see each other then boom one of us pops up and we hang out and I remember just how awesome of a human he is. Which he is. A couple months ago, I’d written a post about him being really depressed and we went and had drinks and I felt so bad for him.

We hadn’t spoken since then except a birthday text to him a week or two ago. Thursday, I get a text message from him that just said, “I’m sorry”. It was then a whole lot of gibberish. He’d finally called me and he was a terrible mess. He kept saying, “I love you”. Y’all know how allergic to that phrase that I am but I just kept replying “Where are you? Where are you?” Then I felt like I just needed to keep him on the phone.

He was saying shit like, “I wrote you a letter. I love you. I’m sorry.” Then he said suicide and my heart fell into my stomach. He was so emotional and I just felt every single thing he was saying like blades to my heart for the pain he was feeling. I’d convinced him to go home. Then, I had no idea what to do so I called the police to do a welfare check on him. I then spent the evening going back and forth with the police. Finally he’d gotten home and was sitting in his driveway. We’d talked almost all night until I made him promise me that he would go inside his home, cuddle his dog and pass the fuck out.

I was scared to death and I just wanted to go and hold him but had no idea what I’d be walking into. I just kept talking to him until he literally fell asleep and since then all I can hear is his words, “I love you. I’m sorry”. He’s never hurt me, he’s never ever had a reason to apologize for anything to me and I understand why he was saying that but now thinking about it make me cry. It takes a lot to make me cry but hearing his pain was just unbearable.

Since then I’ve been sending him messages but avoided going over there. While all I really want to do is sit there and hold him I also know that in this vulnerable state he might get the wrong idea and then I would be the girl he calls to “save him” and the girl who turns him down when he’s at his weakest. Not a great place to be in. He and I will always have a deep emotional connection but absolutely NO chemistry. I will probably break down this week and go see him though because I feel like I have to. I’m not intentionally glossing over the severity of what happened that night because I’m an asshole and don’t care. I’m glossing over that because it’s making me feel terrible. These are the days of our lives…

Then Friday was a nice dinner out and some cathartic driving which by then I needed. Saturday, however was unexpectedly fun. THE friend asked to stay again but this time wanted to go have dinner and go to a burlesque show. He and I have gone to several in the past so I said sure. He paid for every single thing. Before I get a bunch of questions though, it wasn’t a date. I haven’t actually been on a “date” for far too long.

He’d actually gotten pretty drunk but he was a happy drunk and we were enjoying ourselves. There was this one moment when this random guy started talking to us though and then introduced his friend to us. Then his friend and I started flirting with each other until THE friend had some insight into already knowing that guy and then it just got creepy after that. The random dudes friend was cute and there was a vibe in the beginning but the more and more we spoke then less and less I was interested. We came home and he passed out on the couch and I went into my bedroom and watched scary movies till I fell asleep.

I was supposed to go have dinner with a client tonight but he rescheduled which ended up being in my favor. First, I’d been texting with the drummer a bit and flirting and he’d said something about getting together later which I just blew off assuming he’d be too tired or busy or just forget in general. Remember you can’t be disappointed if you don’t have any expectations.

Then I’d decided to go to my friends house and watch him make dinner. I told him I wasn’t eating so we just talked. He’s another of my “maybe’s” but I don’t get the full package with him. I mean he’s attractive but there’s just nothing there. Too easy maybe? I don’t know anymore. But while we were chatting the drummer texted and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I left one guy to go see another but hey, I wasn’t on a date and there’s no chemistry with the first guy.

I get to this “new bar” that the drummer wanted to meet at and we had a nice long conversation about chicks and stuff, nothing deep but I really think he’s still waiting for me to be jealous of all his chicks. Thing is, I’m not. Guys seem to think that jealousy is love, in my opinion, so when a chicks not jealous they don’t care but then they don’t want you to be too jealous cause that’s a turnoff. I just don’t see our relationship and any type of ownership. Therefore, there’s no room for jealousy. But, and here’s where guys really get it wrong with me, even in actually dating scenarios I don’t get jealous. Hell, I’ll even point out a hot chick to them. I just think that our relationship is one thing that means or meets certain needs and if they go looking for something else in someone why limit their range of motion. I just don’t get it. I’ve been told before by a previous ex that I should be more jealous, or jealous at all because a little bit is a turn on. Maybe I’ll work on that or I won’t.

So after a few drinks we went back to his place which I’d not been back to for a couple months. It felt nice, mostly because I know what we do when we’re there. There is something that I wish I could bottle is that chemistry. However, tonight was a weird night for us. I mean, the good stuff, the sexual stuff will probably always be there. If I could bottle THAT shit and give to a guy that loves me THAT would be perfect. I like that we still have that chemistry after over a year.

However, I realized a few things. One, when I do find a guy that I want to date I won’t be able to see the drummer ever again because I am not certain that I could keep my “never cheated” run going. It’s just there. He literally turns me on more than any man has ever. It’s almost unfair that this is between just friends.

Which brings me to my next thought. I like that we can just get to our business and then leave each other right after. We had the “F” part of our “FWB” before while having drinks then we went back to his place and had the “WB” part which I am always down for but on my drive home it almost felt a little too “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am”. I said the other night on here that I am not a woman who is missing the sex in life but I am a woman who’s missing the intimacy. I think THAT’S what I needed tonight.

It did feel a little like, “Your money’s on the nightstand” evening at the end but I know that HE had fun. I did too. Trust me. Nothing feels better than making sure he’s sexually sated. Also, terrible choice in music this evening especially to get me in the mood. Y’all know that I like to feel the music and it’s not like I’m saying, “Make me believe you mean the things they’re singing about” but I need some sexy music. I can remember almost the times I’ve been intimate with anyone just because of the music. Again, not saying he’s got to play Sade or anything just some sweet, soulful sounds of sex in my ears is nice. Is it a necessity? No, because we have amazing sexual chemistry BUT it’s just a nice thought.

The things he’s said in the past about feelings or the really sweet things I knew when he said them that they were bullshit BUT now I have absolute confirmation so I basically will never believe anything sweet that comes out of his mouth. I didn’t “believe” it before but now he’s kind of ruined it by saying it’s all basically bullshit. This is where I think to myself that it’s even more of a good idea to keep my emotions out of it. So, with him, I have none. That sounds shitty but I just mean that this is a true “FWB’s” relationship and I’m right for keeping my eyes open elsewhere.

You already know that part of him of how he makes me feel goes into my “intention setting” to find me the perfect guy for me. That chemistry, some of those conversations. We get each other. We just do. There’s still a bit of game there because that’s fun too and I will be sad when it’s over but that’s what happens. It’s great until it’s not and then it becomes work. Tonight, was great and didn’t feel like work. That’s what we are, FWB’s that are fun.

I’ve said this to him before, I think his part of the game is that he WANTS me to fall in love with him. Then he’s won and he’d be done. Funny though because he’s going to be waiting a very long time. I’ve just never been a girl who falls like that. We do have a special type of relationship though and it’s not actually definable. Yes, we’re friends but we’re more than that and less than lovers. I reminded him tonight that we’re allowed to do anything that we want in private and it not bleed into public consumption because it’s no one else’s business but our own. He’s never my only option but I like to chose him first right now.

Two of the best things tonight, the way he grabbed my face and kissed me with this powerful passion. I love that passion we have between us. I love that it builds up and up until we both just almost explode. The next thing, him, black pants and no shirt, barefoot. Seriously, THAT’S probably the image that I’ll fall asleep with in my mind.

On that note, I’m going to sleep now with happy thoughts about what I just did a few hours earlier and I’ll be happy for tonight. Enjoy your week, all of you. xXx

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Weekend fun and thoughts…

I couldn’t have had a better weekend. It felt long but so much fun. Now that it’s Thursday I don’t feel like a useless human because I didn’t do anything. I told you, my life has little balance in it but this weekend I was totally ok with that.

Friday, after work, I decided to have a low-key evening and go to the gym. I ended up being there for almost 2 hours which for the weeks total for working out was over 12 hours. After the gym I came home, cooked dinner and then left again around midnight to go hang out at a friends for a couple hours. That’s another story I’ll tell later.

Saturday I woke up late, went and worked out then came home and chilled till I started to get ready to go out with an old friend. I went to meet her, we went to dinner then we went to a dive bar and just talked. She’s one of my oldest friends (which seemed to be the theme of the weekend) and I hadn’t seen her for months. I had told her about things going on in my life and around me and she seemed a bit perturbed that I hadn’t reached out before then and let her know any of it.

I can still picture her face as we’re sitting having dinner and I’m going into all the craziness and I can understand that it’s frustrating to be my friend. I don’t intend to keep “secrets” (unless they’re someone else’s) but it just happens that way. She was pretty upset about me not telling her about my Dad and my boss’s son but I didn’t NOT tell her intentionally. Plus it was a crazy time. I wasn’t thinking, “Oh who can I reach out to and let know”. That just seems like attempting to grab attention from people which I don’t like to do. If someone texted or called me or someone else told them and they asked me that’s pretty much how others were finding out. Regardless, it’s a flaw I have an I should work on it. I get that.

It was a fun night though. She and I have had this tradition for years of going out to this particular dive bar and having drinks while chatting and people watching. It was fun. But I realized that I’ve become one of “those” ex-cigarette smokers that thinks the smell is just disgusting and can’t believe that I did it for years. It has officially been 2 years 167 days 15 hours and 35 minutes since I’ve picked up a cigarette and would never consider it again. (Yes, there’s an app for that).

Sunday though, Sunday was so much fun! I went to go see another old friend of mine who lives about 45 minutes west of me and it’s basically country living. He’s got three kids. One who’s 16, another which is 3ish and the last which is 1.5ish. He and I don’t hang out much and we really don’t text much either but I just had this feeling that I wanted to go see him. We’d planned it Friday and he said he was going to barbecue but I didn’t want to go empty handed.

When his 16 year old was about 5 or so we had a water gun fight with her and we rivaled the kids. I had decided to do the same this time. P.S. The dollar store rocks! I went and picked up bubbles, balls and water guns. When I got to his place I was greeted by his wife, two young kids, his older kid and his nephew.

Since he and I grew up together I was close with his family. He is one of three brothers. One of those brothers I was much closer to than the other. He was/is the quintessential blonde hair, blue eyed football quarterback that all the girls went crazy over. I, however, had a brother/sister relationship with him. We joked with each other so much. This was a much better relationship than pining over him for any reason. But he also has three kids. I’d met the older 2 years ago but never met his youngest which is about to go into 7 grade. Instantly that kid and I got along and had some great conversations about music. He’s a really smart kid and somewhere in between the quintessential jock and a struggling musician.

So the house was full with seven people, loud music and many many dogs. At first sight it might have been misconstrued as chaotic but it was just fun and awesome. Before my friends 16 year old daughter and nephew left we’d decided to bust out the water guns and fire at my friend so five of us (all but the baby) doused him with as much as the dollar store water guns would hold until he retaliated by shaking his beer and dousing all of us with whatever beer he had. It was a good time.

All last week and this week though I’ve been making working out such a huge priority like never before. Last week alone I worked out over 12 hours. I seriously don’t know why I ever stop. The part that I have trouble with is keeping a dating life while I’m working out all the time. So, after my awesome weekend my week has been pretty boring. I’ve been working all day, going to work out at night. Going to the grocery store on the way home. Cooking, showering, watching as little TV as possible then bed to wake up and do it all over again. I guess you could say that my dating life is non-existent.

I was, however, looking forward to a “friend” of mine coming home soon but my excitement has lessened on that a lot. I’m just not interested in getting into these “going no where” relationships anymore. I’m not looking for a FWB, a booty call or a short term anything. It just doesn’t appeal to me any longer. Doesn’t mean I’m not as horny as hell but I’ll deal with it. Maybe that’s why I’m taking my frustration out at the gym.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for anymore. Just when I think I find it, it’s gone or I’m no longer interested. I’ve said this before but I HATE dating. This next statement will prove how right I am. So usually when I’m at the gym I have my “workout” mix playing loudly in my ears and I zone out on everyone else but the other day my headphones died and I was forced to listen to these 30’somethings in front of me on the elliptical. Their conversations were horrible. They were talking about how much money a guy makes, what his job is, his penis size and very loudly too. Apparently they don’t date any man that doesn’t at least make over $100,000 a year, drives a nice car and has a huge penis.

So these girls meet someone on Tinder then they blab to all their girl friends if he fits that criteria. Guys have enough to worry about now they have to worry that if they don’t fit in these boxes that they’ll be ridiculed. Are you kidding me? We, as humans, all have enough of our own insecurities why would you try to make some else feel like crap about their life choices. I have always never cared about any of that. First, if they have a job that can support themselves that’s all they need. I don’t need someone to “take care” of me. I have my own job and money. Second, if they have a car that works too. I don’t care what kind it is or how much it costs. Lastly, penis size doesn’t make a man. I’ve known guys that were endowed and didn’t know what the fuck to do with it while I’ve know guys that are average and perfectly capably of rocking my world… None of these things matter and certainly not when you’re trying to find a partner for life.

What I want in a man is an appreciation of music, respect, love and understanding. I don’t need to be with them all the time. I don’t need flowers and expensive dinners. I need to be joked with. I need us to laugh together. Explore life together. Make each others lives better and not have judgement for the other. I don’t need the toilet seat put down. I don’t need you to pull my chair out. I don’t need texts all day long. I need a shoulder massage. I need to cuddle on the couch and watch some stupid mindless show that I don’t care about and feel comfortable. It’s the little things that a man does that I notice not those other stupid things.

Anyway, now that I’m done with my diatribe of dating I can go back to the purpose of this post which was to inform you about my awesome weekend just before the next weekend starts. What are my plans so far? I have a nice dinner planned with friends tomorrow, a lot of gym time and who knows what else. I’d really really like to go to the beach and I might go come Sunday without anyone else to distract me. We’ll see.

So that’s my life right now. Hope yours is amazing and beautiful! xXx

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Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

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Some of my history of love… it’s a long one.

My weekend has been completely mundane despite many offerings to go out. I had chosen to stay home and rest my ankle as I’ve strained it working out. I’m actually fine with this even though, come Sunday, I’ll feel like I’ve been a completely useless human again.

I did have a long to-do list today which I have moved to tomorrow. I felt like I could hold off on my adulting for a day. While my week went fast it was busy and good just fast. My big plans for Saturday night… Rest my ankle, grab the tissues and watch A Star Is Born. I have a feeling that I might be crying like a baby in a couple hours. It’ll be cathartic.

I did go out last night for a little while but nothing much to discuss. I’d gone to dinner and then had drinks with an old friend. I haven’t seen him in a while and we discussed something that I don’t talk about much. It’s one of my ex’s. Granted, I talk a lot about the men in my life but this one while I’ve mentioned him a bit I’ve never really spoken about. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I wrote about him on here.

About 9 years ago I was dating this amazing guy. Still kept him a secret from almost all that I knew but I liked being with him. He was Latin, handsome and was the perfect man on paper and in person. He had an amazing personality and we had a nice relationship. However, I was not serious about him and I told him that from the beginning. At that time I wasn’t really looking for anything serious and while I knew he was I was always upfront with my feelings.

We’d met through work. He worked at a bank that we did business with and after a few after work drinks he’d asked me out on a date. He was hot so I said sure and soon after we were in a relationship but our emotions were very different. I knew he was looking to settle down and have a family and he knew that I had no idea what I wanted at that time. So, always being up front with him we both knew where each other stood.

One morning as I was getting ready to leave him place he’d mentioned marriage. I laughed it off as a joke and continued to get my stuff. I have always been very careful about making sure I don’t leave anything at some guys home in case I never come back. As I’m making sure all my clothes, jewelry and phone are with me he says it again but this time more serious. At this point I sat down on the bed and explained to him that what he wanted I didn’t at that time and that it was best to break this off because we were both at a completely different place in life.

I truly wanted him to be happy but I didn’t think his happiness was with me. After a few months of back and forth texts, some breakup sex and a few phone calls I’d officially decided that the only way to fair to him was to just leave entirely as if I’d never existed in his life. I’d gotten a few harsh texts and calls from him when he’d been drinking that expressed his anger toward me which he’d later apologized for but after about a year we had become friends. We’d gotten into one huge fight one night and I’d stopped talking to him for a while. This was around the time I met THE friend.

Here’s the thing that I’ve realized since that, with therapy and a few other experiences and AH-HA moments; because of the way I was raised with someone calling me a piece of shit as a child, with the abuse and with my terrible experiences in life I just never really felt like the girl you marry. As much as, last year, I tried to blame this feeling on the guys around me it’s something that I’ve had to realize I’ve always felt like I was never good enough. I mean, if someone who is a parent to you doesn’t think you’re good enough and you grow up feeling like that then how the hell are you supposed to think any different.

For this reason I grew up, started doing drugs and getting into relationships that I knew never had a happy ending because I didn’t think I could be loved anyway. Fucked up right? I “settled” dating the asshole that I knew was a piece of shit because it was a game. I knew he would want me in his life, not need me but want me and when he couldn’t have me I’d won. Then later in life I found these really great guys who would fall for me and I still wouldn’t feel like I was good enough so I’d push them away. I guess if you push enough people away then you are right about people not sticking around right?

So move ahead to meeting THE friend. I got attached to him because he “needed” me. I wanted so badly to “fix” him and it was never healthy. On some small level I think we both knew that our relationship was parasitic. I needed to be needed. I needed to fix something. I needed to be good enough to help someone out. This quickly turned into some unhealthy version of what I thought was love. This was never love though.

Because THE friend and I knew each other when we were kids we, very quickly, almost “moved in together”. He was at my place all the time and I was lonely and he needed me and it turned into something that it NEVER should have been. Don’t get me wrong, there was love there but I was confusing this with all these other emotions that I was having at the time. I was depressed and he was as well and it was like two people that just got thrown together in some twisted paradox BUT since I don’t think that anything happens by accident I do believe that there’s purpose behind everything and everybody we meet, he and I met to teach me things.

So after about a year of THE friend and I spending time together I received a phone call from my ex’s mom. She lived in Spain and he had gone there on vacation. She’d called to tell me that he passed away in a car accident and that she’d found a letter from him to me that he’d had in his backpack for a while. She’d gotten my address and sent it to me along with the ring that he had kept to propose to me one day.

When the letter and ring reached me I prepared myself to read it and assumed that it would be these terrible words and I’d feel like the worst piece of shit ever. After reading the letter I did feel like a real piece of shit but not because it was a terrible letter but because the letter was a beautiful poetic version of how he saw me and our relationship. I felt like a piece of shit because I felt guilty that I couldn’t love him. I felt guilty thinking that if I’d said yes to him then he wouldn’t have gone to Spain and he wouldn’t have passed away. I felt guilty because there I was morning a relationship, morning a great man but that no one around me knew about.

Soon after that I started going to therapy and talking to someone who didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. She was the start of my AH-HA moments and then with the help of me writing and talking to people a bit more I began to actually understand my fucked-up-ness. I started relieving the guilt that I felt and there was so much guilt about so many things in my life. I started to understand that I’d always picked the wrong man to love me for the wrong reasons. I started to understand myself better and my choices.

However, with all these revelations first comes depression. About a year before the storm that wiped me out I became seriously depressed and refused to be medicated so I just fell into a hole of my own making. I’d truly distanced myself from my closed friend, THE friend and a lot of others that cared for me a lot. I was sinking into a hole deeper than I knew what to do with.

Then, the storm happened and it was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. It washed away so many things physically and spiritually for me. After falling into a bit more of a depression at first when all my belongings fit into my brothers guest closet and not know where I was going to live or what I was going to do I just had a moment. I had the biggest moment of clarity that made me realize that I needed to fix this shit because my purpose was so much bigger than what I was doing. I had this dream of being back in Houston one night and meeting someone that change my way of thinking about love and what was right and wrong and I woke up from that dream and told my family at dinner that night that I was moving back to Houston after living in Austin for months.

After some tears and gratitude from others and a few kinds words I’d moved back and I remember sitting in my apartment for the first night alone and it just felt right. I let go of my attachments, my guilt and my expectations. I started my workout routine again, yoga, meditation and gained a whole different set of friends that each gave me something different emotionally. I stopped looking for someone else to “complete me” and I started being real about my emotions. I started being even more analytical than I was before and when I started feeling something I’d ask myself “Where is this coming from?” “Is it about them or is this bringing up old feelings?”. My answer is usually the latter which means I’m assessing and understanding instead of freaking out or girl-braining and while it still does happen sometimes because, well, I’m a girl, I have a much healthier way of dealing with my past than ever before. I’m stronger, healthier in general and feel so much lighter like this.

Instead of looking to others for my happiness I find it in my charity and kindness to others and don’t worry so much about what others think about me or how they perceive me. It’s been a long fucking journey of which I work on every single day but it’s been worth it. I still have to remember to remind myself not to have any attachments to people, places and things but again, it’s worth it.

The best part of this transformation is that I’m able to actually have healthy relationships. I am able to visualize who and what I want and my assumption of what I deserve is much much greater than it’s ever been. If I choose to spend time with someone I know that as much as I am lucky to spend time with them they are as equally lucky to spend time with me. I see their actions and words as a reflection of them not of me. It’s an entirely different mindset than I had several years ago and it works for me.

So, the friend and I that I had drinks with the other night spoke about me and my dating life and had the most amazing things to say about me which I believe this time instead of the last time when he spoke those words I shrugged them off. It kind of showed me how far I’ve come. This, in no way, means that I am done learning, growing, changing or bettering myself but I am no longer in the “I’m not good enough” mindset. That’s taken decades to face and to fight but I am there.

My life is nowhere near perfect. I still want love and I still want someone to share my life with that makes me happy and feel special but I’m no longer letting men enter my life to love me then pushing them away because I don’t feel worthy. I used to say “fuck you” to the person that made me feel like shit until I realized that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and have gone through exactly what I was supposed to have gone through. I promise myself that the next man that truly comes to me with love I will let myself this time.

I know this was a long post and if you read the whole thing then my blessings go out to you 🙂 I am off to watch a sad movie but since it’s about music it’s totally worth it. Nite world xXx

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My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

Artistic naked women series - 2017

Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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