Song of the day: Dream State By: Son Lux

I’m continuing to have these weird and crazy dreams. I’m not sure what to make of them either but they are exhausting. I feel like I’ve been stuck in purgatory for months now. It’s frustrating. So basically I’m exhausted and frustrated. Each time a guy’s messaged me about coming over I’ve declined or made up some excuse too because they’re not the one’s I want to spent time with. The last guy actually got a little upset. Which I know isn’t my issue and I made not attempt to fix his emotions. That’s new.

So I am exhausted, frustrated and missing human connection and human touch all because I don’t want to settle for some one or two night stands. I’m improving my emotional health I guess but damn… it’s been forever and this drought needs to stop. I need some action soon.

There’s a quote from a movie that I keep seeing and that I keep hearing except I’ve never seen this movie. I saw this quote years ago and it resonated with me so much. The quote…

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I’m not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there’s no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.”

That is from Meet Joe Black and it’s said by Sir Anthony Hopkins and is quite possibly the most poignant quote about love that I’ve ever heard. But there’s a reason that it keeps playing inside my head when I’m sleeping lately. I think it has to do with all the men that come through my life that I hold my breath for some sort of connection that I’ve had once before. I think that each of these men I entertained waiting for that connection and it just never came. The connection that I have with one man. This man who pops in my life maybe a few times a year as to say, “Hey keep holding out hope while I’m out here living just in case I’m bored.”

It’s sick and twisted but it is a love that won’t die. No matter how long or the distance or the situation. I know that I’ve never been treated appropriately by him and I’ve tried to repeatedly cut those cords that attached us. Nothing seems to work even on the days that I’m devastatingly done with my heart. He just pops up on my phone or in a dream or in someone’s story to me. I do not keep these flames alive because it’s burning me to death. I’m also aware that if these weren’t one sided feelings we’d have a different outcome or live in a different reality so I’m fully aware on what the actual state of affairs are. I’m not delusional and I’ve kept off my girl-brain for a very long time now.

I’ve spent evenings manifesting, praying or begging the universe for a different outcome or for him to just fade away in my memory and my heart to no avail. I’ll meet someone new and that night go home and have a dream so vivid that I feel like I’m being unfaithful to someone that doesn’t care. I’ve “let go” of any outcome to this and tried to put it out of my thoughts completely but I feel like that just makes it worse and again, my dreams don’t actually let me forget. It’s as if I’ve been cursed and I don’t know why.

I’m not sad or upset I’m just exhausted, frustrated and missing human connection today… That is all.

Song of the day: This Is It By: Lo Moon

Do songs give you visceral thoughts. Like you can see yourself doing something to or with that song? I see myself dancing with someone in a long, thin, white dress with my hair spinning around me. Is that weird? I mean, every song is different but that’s what this song makes me think of.

Again, I had another night of truth telling in my mind while sleeping. It’s like taking mushrooms before I sleep and waiting for these strange vivid bits of fantasy or future to enter my dreams. I swear I’m not but that’s what it feels like. I don’t actually mind except that when my dreams are better than my reality it makes me want to sleep more which is never any good.

Those are my words for right now… Maybe more later. xxx

Song of the day: Drive By: The Cars

This is one of my all time favorite songs. I used to request this song a lot when I’d go listen to a cover band a few years back now.

I’m feeling very nostalgic today for some reason. I went through this process during the last full moon and I forgave and let go of a lot of shit that was inside. The truth is that I don’t actually harbor resentment or hurt feelings much about any of my past because I always end up feeling like it’s put me in the place I’m supposed to be. “Letting go” doesn’t mean you have to let go of the good feelings but just all of the bad ones that make you feel less than great. This meant that my dreams were even more weird than normal though.

One of the recurring dreams I’ve been having the most is me, on a hill or out in nature somewhere in a black lace dress with my hair in curls, half up and half down and I’m getting married. It’s so weird but I’m happy in it so it’s not all bad. But last night I had this weird dream that started like that but ended with the scene from Say Anything where he’s holding the boom box up except instead of playing In Your Eyes it’s playing this song… I’m not mad about it. I can’t quite make out the face of the person but he’s wearing all black with a black hoodie. Then one of my guy friends who’s a singer was in the back ground with no shoes on singing backup. I tell you some mornings I wake up and just lie in bed for awhile longer just so I can remember my dreams.

I’ve also been speaking to my Shaman friend who’s like my life coach as well because my life has been feeling so off kilter. She said for me to look out on social media for someone wearing green and a picture of the moon. It is supposed to guide me toward my soulmate somehow. This kind of sucks since I’m trying to stay away from social media though but I guess it won’t hurt to at least look out for it. I’m also supposed to be on the look out for some new opportunity to help someone “build” something like their vision or dream and be super supportive in it. I’m also supposed to get a message from someone from my past which will help guide me as well… We shall see with all of that.

Although I’m not a big social media person here’s another reason why. A few months ago I was on our “neighborhood” app around my area and some guy had posted that he had his car broken into at the gym I used to go to. I replied with, “I’m sorry that happened to you. I used to go there.” Next thing I know he’s friended me on FB to which I didn’t accept but I did message him asking how we knew each other. We started chatting for a bit and I was just a little shocked at his “stalker” abilities since on the original app my full name isn’t on there. I guess stalking is ok if you like the person but when you don’t it’s very freaky.

Any way there’s a bunch of other stuff going on too but I don’t really want to write about that so this is all I have for today. I guess I’m gonna go look out for someone wearing green a full moon somewhere. Hope you’re all doing well. xxx

Song of the day: Ghost (Acoustic) By: Badflower

This is one of the most haunting beautiful songs I’ve heard in a very long time.

I was driving the other night after my plans for the weekend took a completely different turn and this song just had me feeling… Not like that. You don’t need to call anyone but I just image the pain that someone feels when they write songs like this. That’s why music is my therapy though.

My life has been very boring lately. I’ve never lost interest in someone as fast as I have with my FWB’s that I have right now and if just leaves me feeling lost again but I also understand that they are not really meant to be in my life long term. They are all just distractions and I understand that. I guess I got tired of distractions and just decided to do me for a while instead. I have a lot swimming in my head and my dreams are still these crazy depictions of manifestations coming true which can’t seem to stop but I’m not sure that I want them to stop either because they are making me happy right now.

It’s weird, my feelings right now, it’s like I’m bored and numb and wondering why all these things keep changing or why some things completely stay the same. It’s a frustrating place to be. I need to go to the beach soon, maybe that’ll make me feel better or at least different. That’s all I have for today. xxx

Song of the day: The Widow By: The Mars Volta

I moved to my new place several months ago. It was never a forever home. I moved here to get away from things that had happened at my old home in hopes that in the time I’d spend here I’d find that forever home. So it was basically a layover. I don’t take care of it like I should and I still haven’t unpacked a lot of boxes from almost 8 months ago. But I did like the fact that it was kind of hidden and I didn’t tell a lot of people where I’d moved to. I swear I feel like one of those people that would go missing but no one would notice for a while because I wouldn’t want them too.

The reason I bring this up is because this place has never felt like a home. EVER. I have a nice setup for work and working out and that’s basically what I do. Since I’ve been here I’ve focused on fasting, clean eating, mediation and a lot of self care and self realization. I have this gifted vibration plate thing that you can stand on and it tones and a bunch of other stuff but what I’d do is work out and then do either 2 or 3 10 minute meditation sessions on it. I stand and let this plate do it’s thing while listening to a frequency meditation. For those 10 minutes I’d try to not think about anything and just be in the moment energetically fixing what I thought was broken or needed a refresh. So I’m standing on this thing the other day and start to feel my pants falling off me, which fit me several months ago. I was so “in the moment” that I just let them fall and realized that I must be a super weird person to live with.

I know it seems that my train of thought is all over the place but it just got me thinking about having a roommate. I like my solitude and quiet time mostly because I have these rituals. My nighttime ritual is my best self care thing that I do. But even when I wake, I have my water then I have my coffee, supplements and a hard boiled egg, every single morning. I’m either blasting my music as I’m working or I’m reading something or sometimes watching movies. I am such a spontaneous person but have fallen into this weird sense of self with my routines.

Last night I had a dream that disrupted my sense of solitude. I only remember parts of it but I remember getting ready for bed and brushing my teeth and having the guy kiss me with toothpaste all over. I remember lying in bed while he was looking through his phone and I was listening to a podcast with my earphones in. There was a lot of green around and black but this utter sense of comfort and ease. One of the weirdest parts about this is that I could smell salt air like it was close to the ocean or water of some kind. But also, since I moved in here, even though I purchased a new mattress I have barely slept in my bed. I have this weird aversion to sleeping in it.

This is a short story long I know but it reminded me of one of the first nights I’d stayed in this new place. I was curled up on the couch and I’d drifted asleep when I “kind of” woke and swear to you that I saw this male figure in my living room. It was a shadow and one that I wasn’t scared of at all in fact it seemed to bring me comfort. I can still remember everything about that figure even though I was half asleep and still swear there was someone there.

Look, I get it, with all my emotions that come across this page and stories like that you are more than welcome to think I’m batshit crazy and I swear I am much more sane than it appears on here but there’s a sense of openness on here that I share these things. I’d love to find a man that’s as weird and strange as I am. A man that thinks my music isn’t “all over the place” and that it is ok to watch scary horror movies instead of chick flicks. I’m starting to realize why I’m still single. 🙂 But I’m also saying that to say that everyone has their quirks and weirdness. You just have to find the craziness that you can tolerate and be with that person.

I will find a man that’s love language is sending me YouTube videos of songs instead of “good morning” texts and that doesn’t mind if I don’t get mad at every little thing he does and that I have more understanding that he’s ever witnessed. He’ll accept my love of crystals and if it comes to the day that that guy and I decide to make things more serious he’ll get me this weird black ring instead of some expensive diamond and we have a commitment ceremony with me in a lace black dress with flowers in my hair (that was also part of my dream last night), then I have found “the one”.

I don’t know… I feel very chill today but have that dream stuck in my head from last night. Dreams are supposed to be messages about life and manifestations coming true… We’ll see. It was nice but as I look around this home today I’m feeling even less like I’ve ever really lived here and can’t wait till I move somewhere new. Today’s song of the day has nothing to do with my story except that it’s another song that I love… Hope you’re having a great day. xxx

Song of the day: Makambo By: Geoffrey Oryema

I’ve said this a lot lately but I am sharing another of my favorite songs with you tonight. This song came to me from a soft core porn movie I watched when I was 15. I was completely obsessed with Zalman King movies from a young age before I really understood why. I still have his autograph many years later.

There was something so seductive and erotic about his movies but they weren’t “in your face” and I think I’ve just always been attracted to his content. These were not the movies my friends were watching at that age I can promise you but I didn’t care. I’ve seem them all and while I’ll randomly watch them now and realize that they are a little cheesy the subject matter still sticks with me.

It’s a strange world that I live in where I’m completely obsessed with sex, seduction and passion but I don’t give in to my urges near enough. I want to find someone that I’m comfortable enough with that I would though and that’s something that I’ve not found. One of my last FWB’s is someone that I’ve had the most passion with and probably ever will but that’s a relationship that I can’t count on.

There’s so much about that FWB’s that I put in my manifestations it’s unreal. In my mind he’s the perfect person. He’s my soulmate… That’s how I feel though and his lack of communication tells me the feeling isn’t mutual so I stay away. I knew when he came back into my life that I needed to stay guarded and back away and that’s what I’m doing. You can’t make someone feel something just because you do except this time around I’m smarter and am emotionally healthier.

The sad part though is that in the time we were apart for 2 years I’d dated so many other guys and just never felt that passion or connection. There was just never anyone that made me feel the same… That’s the hardest part about all of this. We have this amazing sexual chemistry that can’t be measured and it’s nice to fantasize about where we go with all of that but I need that in real life with a real human that’s in my space, my bed, my life and not so in my head. If fantasies manifested in real life then we’d be so freaking happy and fulfilled. But I’m a realist and try not to dream so much.

Because of our sabbatical of 2 years I always assume that the last time I see or speak to him will always be the last time we see or speak to each other. Even though I vowed that I would be more honest about my feelings this year I’ve still never been completely honest with him about how I feel. I think I figure “What’s the point?”. Does the heart break the same whether you’ve been honest with your feelings or not? That’s a good question. I also assume that if he felt the same then I guess I wouldn’t have to say it and I’d hear it from him instead.

I’d told myself that this blog wasn’t going to be as much about my personal life as it’s been before but I’d had this insane dream last night and I was awoken to being so sad, like a sadness that I couldn’t control or shake that came out of no where. I felt this from his feelings from my dream and I just started crying out of no where and couldn’t stop. When I tried to take my mind off this feeling it was 6 in the morning (which I don’t get up that early) and I saw that a friend of mine had made a playlist and invited me to it which had five songs that meant something to my FWB’s and me. At that point I’m feeling frustrated because I’m trying so hard to NOT think about this guy and all these signs are coming at me. Right after that another friend sent me this meme with a fox on it and had a quote from someone that’s from the same country as this guy and I’m just getting so overwhelmed.

I got up at this point and went to the bathroom and stood and stared in the mirror while I still can’t stop crying. I sat on the edge of my bathtub and thought I’d distract myself with some videos hoping that something would make me laugh and the first thing that pops up is a video in black and white (which I love) and it’s spoken word. The lady speaking says this, “Legend has it there’s always a reason why souls meet. Maybe they found each other for reasons that weren’t so different after all. They were two souls searching and found a home lost in each other. When souls find comfort in one another, separation is not possible. The reason they are brought together are no accident. Maybe she needed someone to show her how to live… and he needed someone to show him how to love.” Seeing that, watching that and listening to that did not help me at all.

I do think that we found each other for a reason and on a good day when I’m sitting in front of him I believe that I was put in his life to show him that it’s possible for someone to love him unconditionally, without purpose or reason with his faults or flaws regardless of what anyone else has done to him in his life that ever made him feel less than amazing as I see him. I think that we are soulmates that were divinely guided to one another for a higher purpose. I believe that we could be so very happy with each other if given the chance. I know that I would be that loyal and supportive person in his life that sees him for all he is and not what he choses to show people.

Then, at the end of the day I have to remind myself that it is not my responsibility to fix him and I can’t lose myself in the emotions again because we are not together and we are barely friends at this point.

So that’s where my head and heart are at right now. I’m not sad tonight or confused or angry. I’m just here trying not to be sad or confused or angry tonight. XXX