Is chivalry dead or just hiding…?

A couple weeks ago, during the whole holiday hustle, I got to see an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Our relationship quickly fizzled years back but it was important to stay friends with him for some reason. I never really understood what that reason was until a couple weeks ago.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a strong independent woman. There has never been much that I’ve needed from anyone else. It’s both a fault and a strength. That being said though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a man stand up for me. Knowing my history, you’ll understand that I never got that growing up and therefore grew up not needing it. I had boyfriends and male friends in the past want to “right the wrongs” in my past for me and in turn that would have “wronged the rights” in my opinion. The way I looked at my past is that it was mine to fix and mine alone. But most of that is for another night.

This story starts when my friend and I went out to a local bar. This would be the same establishment that I take most of my close friends to. We’d been there slowly sipping for about an hour and a half when, in rare form at this place, a fight broke out. First, without any sort of hesitation, my friend jumped up from across the table and moved me out of harms way. This was instinct for him. After a few moments of him making sure I wasn’t hurt, even though one of the neanderthals had managed to tap me on the back of the head with their elbow, my friend went and broke up the fight.

At that point the owner of the place came over, because we know each other, and had made sure I was ok as well. The owner then turned around to assess the damage which amounted to a few chairs misplaced and a drink or two spilled. My friend was talking to both the guys and separating them with his palmed arms stretched as much as he could.

I can’t say this entire incident had fazed me that much. It was an initial shock of the loud noise but the fighting was acknowledged as two drunk idiots ranting about something. What did shock me is that after my friend was done speaking with them, then the owner had decided to kick them both out, they were both directed to me to offer an apology.

That’s the point that I remembered why I needed him in my life AND why I was initially sexually attracted to him. He’s a strong man, in stature and strength but he uses his head first. Whatever he’d said to those guys was enough to get them to stop fighting and to apologize for not only smacking me on the back of the head but for also interrupting our evening. I don’t remember the last time a man was that concerned with my safety or my well being.

To be fair it’s not as if I’d opening admit that I needed a man’s help on something but he never cared what I was willing to admit. He just knew. That’s why we stay friends to this day. Aside from him, there’s mainly two types of men that I know, that we all know. They would be either the ones to jump into the fight or to run from the entire situation. He’s a rare breed. He was never required to fight for my honor but the fact that he chose to says more about his character than anything.

At the end of our evening together I kissed him. I kissed him with no intent or expectation but only to say “Thank you”. At the end of our evening together he kissed me back with no intent or expectation but only to say “You’re welcome”. I guess my assessment is that chivalry isn’t dead but it is hiding. A girl might not need a white knight but that’s not to say she doesn’t want one.

Tonight I am grateful for chivalrous men that actually care to make the right decisions with someone else in mind other than themselves. Far too many people are far too selfish these days, I am grateful for the ones that aren’t.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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To Be Thankful Challenge

DearLilyJune, has nominated me for the Be Thankful Challenge and it’s such a great idea. Thank you for the nomination. I also want to say that I’m thankful for DearLilyJune’s blog. It’s a beautiful idea and Miss Lily June is blessed to have such a great Mom.

Challenge Rules

Share this image in your blog post

Write about five people in your life you are thankful for
Write about five things in 2015 that you are thankful for
Spread the love and challenge five other blogs to take part

Five people in my life that I’m thankful for.

1.) My BFF and Sister: She and I have know each other longer than we haven’t and she is my strength, my laughter and my sanity at times. We’ve both held each other up, saved each other from ourselves and brought each other to tears. We say this of each other, “You are my first priority and last resort”. We often joke that we’ll be single, in our 80’s and living together with a bunch of dogs. I could not have made it this long without her. Those nights where we stay up till 5 in the morning and laugh about the most horrible things are some of the best nights in my life. I will never question her love, caring or concern for me. It is a true Sisters bond without the blood. My parents faux adopted her and now she’s as crazy as I am; however, she didn’t have that far to go.

2.) My Niece: Her laughter is infections. She’s an innocent version of me. She’s beautiful and hasn’t been jaded by all the world will offer one day. To sit and watch her learn and play and just be a kid is one of the greatest gifts in this world. She made me realize that I want to have a child for her to grow up with. She introduced possibilities of what could be for me. She’s crazy smart and perfect. I love that little monkey.

3.) My GBF (Gay Best Friend): I’ve know him for a very long time as well. One of my first encounters with him was the gift of watching him with poise, strength and humanity. He teaches me tolerance, patience and kindness. He’s shown up when I’m at my worst and makes me never question why we’re friends. He’s a positive influence with all things and his kindness is always a great surprise. He gives so much of himself to others and it’s proved to me that there’s always more to give in myself. He’s taught me lessons that I never knew I needed to learn.

4.) My other BF: She has taught me that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to get it. She’s shown me that, if needed, I am strong enough to do things on my own. Because of her and her friendship, she’s given me the opportunity to see what a real, true family’s love can do. Her parents took me in as their own growing up and I still see then as my faux parents. They are wonderful people who have lots of love to give, whether you be blood or not.

5.) My Friend (THE Friend): While we’ve known of each other an extremely long time, we’ve only truly known each other for a short while yet he’s taught me so much. He’s taught me kindness, patience, tolerance and unconditional love. He’s shown me that I am not a callous, heartless bitch and that I can love, care or offer kindness beyond anything that I could ever imagine. He’s shown me what I want for the future and that money, things and “normal” doesn’t matter. He’s taught me compromise and beauty in things that I would have never seen before. He proves that sometimes, just sometimes, I can still be completely and totally surprised by humans in such a good way. He lets me let my guard down enough to realize that what we have is something different and something special and may never be what I want but might be actually what I need.

Five Things I am grateful for

1.) I’m grateful for my music, all kinds and all day.
2.) I’m grateful for this blog so that all my crazy has an outlet and for all the readers that come here and tolerate my crazy rants.
3.) I’m grateful for the surprises in life. The one’s that come out of no where and smack you for a great reason.
4.) I’m grateful for my career. No matter how hectic it is and stressful, it’s something that I like to do and it gives me the monetary support for me to live.
5.) I’m grateful for love. It doesn’t always go as planned and it’s not always in the form you want it to be in but it’s there, all around you.

I nominate the following to take part in the challenge – Each of these bloggers have made some sort of impression whether it be because they make me laugh, think or just entertain but anyone who reads this please feel free to do this. It’s a great way to remember the good things in life.

1. Kindness Blog

2. Stumelton

3. Marta Frant

4. Thoughts of Sheryl

5. Stan

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Giving Thanks…

Today I write early because the holiday crazy will take all my attention. I wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and write a few things that I have been grateful for this year, so far.

I am grateful for…
Friends and family. Those that are still here and those that are not.
Each lesson taught and each lesson learned.
The highs and the lows on the roller coaster of life.
New starts, new beginnings, and new chances.
Understanding and connections.
New adventures and relaxation.
Catching up with old friends.
All the things that money can’t buy.

Lastly, I’m grateful for all that fall down the rabbit hole with me on here. Thanks for listening or reading my ramblings of my worst days and sometimes better days.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the crazy!

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Better days, for no reason at all…

Good morning. Yesterday started the “fit for fall” challenge which is also a challenge for charity. Basically you have to commit to a minimum of 2 miles a day or 100 miles in an eight week period plus do these other mini daily challenges. It’s the one thing I’m looking forward to lately for no other reason that it gives me something productive to do.

Yesterday I started off with a 2.73 mile walk/jog, healthy eating all day and ended with an ad/arm challenge. This was actually really fun. When I really get into these I usually walk/jog about 3/4 miles at a time so I might up the challenge to the 150 miles in 8 weeks. Either way I’m excited and even though the prescription drug messed me up, I was still able to lose 12 lbs on it. Probably not the healthiest way but still. If you’re interested it’s all over the insta-face-twit world, which I’ve started all new accounts for, except the facebook. Have I mentioned that I HATE facebook?

Anyway, go look up @toneitup #tiuteam #charitychallenge #100forcharity. It’s a great cause where, for each mile you walk, run, bike or whatever you can actually have money earned and sent to a charity of your choice using the app Charity Miles. Don’t worry, I’m not making any money off any of that but I do think that it’s a great cause so you should do it, especially if you’re active anyway… What’s the harm.

That is what I’ll be focused on for the next 8 weeks. Hopefully it will become less of a distraction than just a drive to fulfill my need for a healthier me. I say to hell with the negative and shitty. At least for a while. I think I’ll try to add some things to that 8 week challenge list like, be grateful everyday, read everyday, go to church, become a superhero… I don’t know just something fun.

I do need a new workout playlist though so any suggestions on so high energy, pumped up workout music is much appreciated.

Hope you are having an awesome day. 🙂 Be grateful for something unexpected today.

Being-Grateful

Karma is a great gift and other things I’m grateful for…

A week or two ago I realized that my business credit card, with my bosses name on it, had been stolen, or the number had been. I let the bank know to cancel the card, charge back any transactions and to send me over the affidavit for my boss to sign. A side-note to know about him is that my boss has the capacity to be a very generous, giving individual at times but when someone’s done him wrong, even in the slightest he has a vindictive personality like no one I’ve ever seen. I was moderately pissed at the situation but he was livid. One of the perks of being in the business I’m in is that we have a lot of friends/Customers that are in law enforcement. So after getting all the things done with the bank my boss then decided to send it all over to his friends and they, not only figured out who it was but will be issuing a warrant and possibly an arrest this week. I think he’d finally reached his capacity of sitting by and watching people break the law to get something they should have worked for. When asked if I wanted to see who this a-hole was, I declined. I said I’m not that curious and don’t really care. I know that, eventually, karma takes over and that person gets what they deserve. Nothing is owed to anyone unless it’s earned, so by taking something that doesn’t belong to you gives you some bad effing karma. The cop said that he’d give us one last chance tomorrow or Thursday to see if we still wanted to prosecute whoever it was but I’m pretty sure that he’s not going to change his mind unless there’s some major convincing.

All this comes back to my spirituality. I’ve been asked many times what religion I am and my response is this, “While I believe in God, I am not religious. I pray. I believe that religion is like a buffet and that you should take all the best pieces of each set of beliefs and hold those to be true. Some of those basic principles are these: be honest, treat everyone with kindness, payback all your karmic debts, don’t break another ones heart or hurt their feelings (intentionally), don’t take what isn’t yours, don’t do things out of malice, don’t use people and finally don’t take people for granted. Those, to me, are simple principles and if you follow those rules then your “karma bank” will be full and plenty but don’t do those things if and ONLY if that is your soul purpose. I am grateful to live by these rules and I firmly believe that this is why I do have some great luck or should I say Karma, in my life.

My life isn’t perfect, by any means but sometimes I don’t mind. I have some great friends that show great kindness to me. I have a job that I like (maybe not the people all the time), I have a roof over my head and money in the bank. I’ve had some great loves in my life, whether I realized it at the time or later, I am still grateful for them. I’ve had some great experiences in life and I don’t need to share them with the tweet-insta-snap world. Even on the simplistic nights where there’s just a great song playing in a car with a good friend and we’re being silly it’s enough to capture a memory that we’ll smile about for years.

I suppose it’s a bit hypocritical for me to hate social media when that’s exactly what this blog is. I’ve always felt that if there’s something important to say or to share then do it with the people that matter. Plus reading about all the issues that come up because of social media about how people become more depressed, or feel more lonely being more socially connected to the world than ever before. It’s making relationships, sex and connections feel like fleeting things from the past. If you’re lonely or need some sort of recognition then pick up your phone and call someone. That’s all it takes. I think I’d realized that I was done with it all when my Dad joined Facebook. So I got off. I was on twitter but got off that. I was on instagram and got off that. After a very long sabbatical from Facebook I’d gotten a notification one too many times that I had messages and decided that I’d log on one last time. There were a few dates or boys that were trying to get in touch with me, for one reason only. There were men that I didn’t know that had messaged me. Lastly, some of my family and friends had messaged me about really stupid shit. I was done and after one glance at all the people that were listed as “friends” on my account there two things I’d realized. First, none of the most successful people that I know are on any type of social media and by successful I also mean happiest. Second, I realized that I had one last purge to do for something that I’d been dreading for a while.

Since the beginning of this year I’d been getting rid of past memories or mistakes by way of burning letters or deleting emails, texts, voicemails and other things from the past that I didn’t care to remember. So, when I logged in to my account I’d seen some really personal and really girl brained messages that I’d sent to one person. It’s only ever been one person but I realized that I hated every last bit of honesty that I’d ever show through my emotions and have vowed to never do that again with him. Not only was I more vulnerable than I’d ever been by saying some of these words but I was putting him in a position to use them against me later, if he chooses to. My heart comes and goes where he’s concerned and eventually I believe that any kindness I offer will dry up because of his lack of reciprocation, not of feelings, I’ve never expected that but of kindness. This has always been something in the back of my mind, while I love giving and giving I’ve never been around someone that didn’t do this back equally. I don’t expect the same to be delivered back to me and certainly not by way of monetary value but the simplicity of a note, card or even something as simple as a cooked dinner. He did this a few times but has become complacent with my kindness and I’ve had it. I’ve reached the break. These feelings have come up before and they usually go away but this is different. There’s not as much left in my heart to forgive as fully when someone consistently uses their flaws to be magnified as their excuses. Eventually, we all have to grow up. We all have to be accountable for ourselves and pay back other people and again, I don’t mean monetarily. It’s not his fault fully. It’s mine. I do wish though that this realization had come way before now but I let it all go and focus on people that aren’t as selfish. Remember, if you take the kindest people for granted you will lose them and one day you’ll really need them in your life. So don’t and pay back kindness in any way possible. I’m as easily distracted as the next person when something new and shiny comes along but I will never do something for someone new that I haven’t done to payback a friend first. It’s simple logic and by way of a mutual friend, I’m not the only one this has happened to, although I didn’t share my experience, the mutual friend just offered up his secrets freely. Pretty sure he shouldn’t have done that. It amazes me that while I have kept our issues secret that so many others feel it their responsibility to share their thoughts. I find it tacky and useless and it makes them look shitty. I don’t pay any attention to them and tell them to shut up most of the time. He’s not a bad person but he does have blinders on, the worst I’ve ever seen.

None of this matters now though because this is a new chapter for me and he’s no longer a recurring person in it. It’s too bad because things are getting pretty interesting for me and by interesting I mean exciting. I’ve had a good day today and I’m looking at better days to come, much better. Hope you all had a great day. Good night. x

Tonight’s song…
Karma Police By: Radiohead