Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.


Is chivalry dead or just hiding…?

A couple weeks ago, during the whole holiday hustle, I got to see an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Our relationship quickly fizzled years back but it was important to stay friends with him for some reason. I never really understood what that reason was until a couple weeks ago.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a strong independent woman. There has never been much that I’ve needed from anyone else. It’s both a fault and a strength. That being said though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a man stand up for me. Knowing my history, you’ll understand that I never got that growing up and therefore grew up not needing it. I had boyfriends and male friends in the past want to “right the wrongs” in my past for me and in turn that would have “wronged the rights” in my opinion. The way I looked at my past is that it was mine to fix and mine alone. But most of that is for another night.

This story starts when my friend and I went out to a local bar. This would be the same establishment that I take most of my close friends to. We’d been there slowly sipping for about an hour and a half when, in rare form at this place, a fight broke out. First, without any sort of hesitation, my friend jumped up from across the table and moved me out of harms way. This was instinct for him. After a few moments of him making sure I wasn’t hurt, even though one of the neanderthals had managed to tap me on the back of the head with their elbow, my friend went and broke up the fight.

At that point the owner of the place came over, because we know each other, and had made sure I was ok as well. The owner then turned around to assess the damage which amounted to a few chairs misplaced and a drink or two spilled. My friend was talking to both the guys and separating them with his palmed arms stretched as much as he could.

I can’t say this entire incident had fazed me that much. It was an initial shock of the loud noise but the fighting was acknowledged as two drunk idiots ranting about something. What did shock me is that after my friend was done speaking with them, then the owner had decided to kick them both out, they were both directed to me to offer an apology.

That’s the point that I remembered why I needed him in my life AND why I was initially sexually attracted to him. He’s a strong man, in stature and strength but he uses his head first. Whatever he’d said to those guys was enough to get them to stop fighting and to apologize for not only smacking me on the back of the head but for also interrupting our evening. I don’t remember the last time a man was that concerned with my safety or my well being.

To be fair it’s not as if I’d opening admit that I needed a man’s help on something but he never cared what I was willing to admit. He just knew. That’s why we stay friends to this day. Aside from him, there’s mainly two types of men that I know, that we all know. They would be either the ones to jump into the fight or to run from the entire situation. He’s a rare breed. He was never required to fight for my honor but the fact that he chose to says more about his character than anything.

At the end of our evening together I kissed him. I kissed him with no intent or expectation but only to say “Thank you”. At the end of our evening together he kissed me back with no intent or expectation but only to say “You’re welcome”. I guess my assessment is that chivalry isn’t dead but it is hiding. A girl might not need a white knight but that’s not to say she doesn’t want one.

Tonight I am grateful for chivalrous men that actually care to make the right decisions with someone else in mind other than themselves. Far too many people are far too selfish these days, I am grateful for the ones that aren’t.


Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.



To Be Thankful Challenge

DearLilyJune, has nominated me for the Be Thankful Challenge and it’s such a great idea. Thank you for the nomination. I also want to say that I’m thankful for DearLilyJune’s blog. It’s a beautiful idea and Miss Lily June is blessed to have such a great Mom.

Challenge Rules

Share this image in your blog post

Write about five people in your life you are thankful for
Write about five things in 2015 that you are thankful for
Spread the love and challenge five other blogs to take part

Five people in my life that I’m thankful for.

1.) My BFF and Sister: She and I have know each other longer than we haven’t and she is my strength, my laughter and my sanity at times. We’ve both held each other up, saved each other from ourselves and brought each other to tears. We say this of each other, “You are my first priority and last resort”. We often joke that we’ll be single, in our 80’s and living together with a bunch of dogs. I could not have made it this long without her. Those nights where we stay up till 5 in the morning and laugh about the most horrible things are some of the best nights in my life. I will never question her love, caring or concern for me. It is a true Sisters bond without the blood. My parents faux adopted her and now she’s as crazy as I am; however, she didn’t have that far to go.

2.) My Niece: Her laughter is infections. She’s an innocent version of me. She’s beautiful and hasn’t been jaded by all the world will offer one day. To sit and watch her learn and play and just be a kid is one of the greatest gifts in this world. She made me realize that I want to have a child for her to grow up with. She introduced possibilities of what could be for me. She’s crazy smart and perfect. I love that little monkey.

3.) My GBF (Gay Best Friend): I’ve know him for a very long time as well. One of my first encounters with him was the gift of watching him with poise, strength and humanity. He teaches me tolerance, patience and kindness. He’s shown up when I’m at my worst and makes me never question why we’re friends. He’s a positive influence with all things and his kindness is always a great surprise. He gives so much of himself to others and it’s proved to me that there’s always more to give in myself. He’s taught me lessons that I never knew I needed to learn.

4.) My other BF: She has taught me that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to get it. She’s shown me that, if needed, I am strong enough to do things on my own. Because of her and her friendship, she’s given me the opportunity to see what a real, true family’s love can do. Her parents took me in as their own growing up and I still see then as my faux parents. They are wonderful people who have lots of love to give, whether you be blood or not.

5.) My Friend (THE Friend): While we’ve known of each other an extremely long time, we’ve only truly known each other for a short while yet he’s taught me so much. He’s taught me kindness, patience, tolerance and unconditional love. He’s shown me that I am not a callous, heartless bitch and that I can love, care or offer kindness beyond anything that I could ever imagine. He’s shown me what I want for the future and that money, things and “normal” doesn’t matter. He’s taught me compromise and beauty in things that I would have never seen before. He proves that sometimes, just sometimes, I can still be completely and totally surprised by humans in such a good way. He lets me let my guard down enough to realize that what we have is something different and something special and may never be what I want but might be actually what I need.

Five Things I am grateful for

1.) I’m grateful for my music, all kinds and all day.
2.) I’m grateful for this blog so that all my crazy has an outlet and for all the readers that come here and tolerate my crazy rants.
3.) I’m grateful for the surprises in life. The one’s that come out of no where and smack you for a great reason.
4.) I’m grateful for my career. No matter how hectic it is and stressful, it’s something that I like to do and it gives me the monetary support for me to live.
5.) I’m grateful for love. It doesn’t always go as planned and it’s not always in the form you want it to be in but it’s there, all around you.

I nominate the following to take part in the challenge – Each of these bloggers have made some sort of impression whether it be because they make me laugh, think or just entertain but anyone who reads this please feel free to do this. It’s a great way to remember the good things in life.

1. Kindness Blog

2. Stumelton

3. Marta Frant

4. Thoughts of Sheryl

5. Stan


Giving Thanks…

Today I write early because the holiday crazy will take all my attention. I wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and write a few things that I have been grateful for this year, so far.

I am grateful for…
Friends and family. Those that are still here and those that are not.
Each lesson taught and each lesson learned.
The highs and the lows on the roller coaster of life.
New starts, new beginnings, and new chances.
Understanding and connections.
New adventures and relaxation.
Catching up with old friends.
All the things that money can’t buy.

Lastly, I’m grateful for all that fall down the rabbit hole with me on here. Thanks for listening or reading my ramblings of my worst days and sometimes better days.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the crazy!



Better days, for no reason at all…

Good morning. Yesterday started the “fit for fall” challenge which is also a challenge for charity. Basically you have to commit to a minimum of 2 miles a day or 100 miles in an eight week period plus do these other mini daily challenges. It’s the one thing I’m looking forward to lately for no other reason that it gives me something productive to do.

Yesterday I started off with a 2.73 mile walk/jog, healthy eating all day and ended with an ad/arm challenge. This was actually really fun. When I really get into these I usually walk/jog about 3/4 miles at a time so I might up the challenge to the 150 miles in 8 weeks. Either way I’m excited and even though the prescription drug messed me up, I was still able to lose 12 lbs on it. Probably not the healthiest way but still. If you’re interested it’s all over the insta-face-twit world, which I’ve started all new accounts for, except the facebook. Have I mentioned that I HATE facebook?

Anyway, go look up @toneitup #tiuteam #charitychallenge #100forcharity. It’s a great cause where, for each mile you walk, run, bike or whatever you can actually have money earned and sent to a charity of your choice using the app Charity Miles. Don’t worry, I’m not making any money off any of that but I do think that it’s a great cause so you should do it, especially if you’re active anyway… What’s the harm.

That is what I’ll be focused on for the next 8 weeks. Hopefully it will become less of a distraction than just a drive to fulfill my need for a healthier me. I say to hell with the negative and shitty. At least for a while. I think I’ll try to add some things to that 8 week challenge list like, be grateful everyday, read everyday, go to church, become a superhero… I don’t know just something fun.

I do need a new workout playlist though so any suggestions on so high energy, pumped up workout music is much appreciated.

Hope you are having an awesome day. 🙂 Be grateful for something unexpected today.


Karma is a great gift and other things I’m grateful for…

A week or two ago I realized that my business credit card, with my bosses name on it, had been stolen, or the number had been. I let the bank know to cancel the card, charge back any transactions and to send me over the affidavit for my boss to sign. A side-note to know about him is that my boss has the capacity to be a very generous, giving individual at times but when someone’s done him wrong, even in the slightest he has a vindictive personality like no one I’ve ever seen. I was moderately pissed at the situation but he was livid. One of the perks of being in the business I’m in is that we have a lot of friends/Customers that are in law enforcement. So after getting all the things done with the bank my boss then decided to send it all over to his friends and they, not only figured out who it was but will be issuing a warrant and possibly an arrest this week. I think he’d finally reached his capacity of sitting by and watching people break the law to get something they should have worked for. When asked if I wanted to see who this a-hole was, I declined. I said I’m not that curious and don’t really care. I know that, eventually, karma takes over and that person gets what they deserve. Nothing is owed to anyone unless it’s earned, so by taking something that doesn’t belong to you gives you some bad effing karma. The cop said that he’d give us one last chance tomorrow or Thursday to see if we still wanted to prosecute whoever it was but I’m pretty sure that he’s not going to change his mind unless there’s some major convincing.

All this comes back to my spirituality. I’ve been asked many times what religion I am and my response is this, “While I believe in God, I am not religious. I pray. I believe that religion is like a buffet and that you should take all the best pieces of each set of beliefs and hold those to be true. Some of those basic principles are these: be honest, treat everyone with kindness, payback all your karmic debts, don’t break another ones heart or hurt their feelings (intentionally), don’t take what isn’t yours, don’t do things out of malice, don’t use people and finally don’t take people for granted. Those, to me, are simple principles and if you follow those rules then your “karma bank” will be full and plenty but don’t do those things if and ONLY if that is your soul purpose. I am grateful to live by these rules and I firmly believe that this is why I do have some great luck or should I say Karma, in my life.

My life isn’t perfect, by any means but sometimes I don’t mind. I have some great friends that show great kindness to me. I have a job that I like (maybe not the people all the time), I have a roof over my head and money in the bank. I’ve had some great loves in my life, whether I realized it at the time or later, I am still grateful for them. I’ve had some great experiences in life and I don’t need to share them with the tweet-insta-snap world. Even on the simplistic nights where there’s just a great song playing in a car with a good friend and we’re being silly it’s enough to capture a memory that we’ll smile about for years.

I suppose it’s a bit hypocritical for me to hate social media when that’s exactly what this blog is. I’ve always felt that if there’s something important to say or to share then do it with the people that matter. Plus reading about all the issues that come up because of social media about how people become more depressed, or feel more lonely being more socially connected to the world than ever before. It’s making relationships, sex and connections feel like fleeting things from the past. If you’re lonely or need some sort of recognition then pick up your phone and call someone. That’s all it takes. I think I’d realized that I was done with it all when my Dad joined Facebook. So I got off. I was on twitter but got off that. I was on instagram and got off that. After a very long sabbatical from Facebook I’d gotten a notification one too many times that I had messages and decided that I’d log on one last time. There were a few dates or boys that were trying to get in touch with me, for one reason only. There were men that I didn’t know that had messaged me. Lastly, some of my family and friends had messaged me about really stupid shit. I was done and after one glance at all the people that were listed as “friends” on my account there two things I’d realized. First, none of the most successful people that I know are on any type of social media and by successful I also mean happiest. Second, I realized that I had one last purge to do for something that I’d been dreading for a while.

Since the beginning of this year I’d been getting rid of past memories or mistakes by way of burning letters or deleting emails, texts, voicemails and other things from the past that I didn’t care to remember. So, when I logged in to my account I’d seen some really personal and really girl brained messages that I’d sent to one person. It’s only ever been one person but I realized that I hated every last bit of honesty that I’d ever show through my emotions and have vowed to never do that again with him. Not only was I more vulnerable than I’d ever been by saying some of these words but I was putting him in a position to use them against me later, if he chooses to. My heart comes and goes where he’s concerned and eventually I believe that any kindness I offer will dry up because of his lack of reciprocation, not of feelings, I’ve never expected that but of kindness. This has always been something in the back of my mind, while I love giving and giving I’ve never been around someone that didn’t do this back equally. I don’t expect the same to be delivered back to me and certainly not by way of monetary value but the simplicity of a note, card or even something as simple as a cooked dinner. He did this a few times but has become complacent with my kindness and I’ve had it. I’ve reached the break. These feelings have come up before and they usually go away but this is different. There’s not as much left in my heart to forgive as fully when someone consistently uses their flaws to be magnified as their excuses. Eventually, we all have to grow up. We all have to be accountable for ourselves and pay back other people and again, I don’t mean monetarily. It’s not his fault fully. It’s mine. I do wish though that this realization had come way before now but I let it all go and focus on people that aren’t as selfish. Remember, if you take the kindest people for granted you will lose them and one day you’ll really need them in your life. So don’t and pay back kindness in any way possible. I’m as easily distracted as the next person when something new and shiny comes along but I will never do something for someone new that I haven’t done to payback a friend first. It’s simple logic and by way of a mutual friend, I’m not the only one this has happened to, although I didn’t share my experience, the mutual friend just offered up his secrets freely. Pretty sure he shouldn’t have done that. It amazes me that while I have kept our issues secret that so many others feel it their responsibility to share their thoughts. I find it tacky and useless and it makes them look shitty. I don’t pay any attention to them and tell them to shut up most of the time. He’s not a bad person but he does have blinders on, the worst I’ve ever seen.

None of this matters now though because this is a new chapter for me and he’s no longer a recurring person in it. It’s too bad because things are getting pretty interesting for me and by interesting I mean exciting. I’ve had a good day today and I’m looking at better days to come, much better. Hope you all had a great day. Good night. x

Tonight’s song…
Karma Police By: Radiohead