Revelations and challenges…

It is 8 o’clock in the morning and I have been up since 5 o’clock after going to bed at 2 o’clock. Not the first time you’ve heard that I don’t sleep much. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that I had a full 8 hours of sleep that actually made me feel rested and better the next day. Lately, I know that it’s because my head really can’t be turned off.

I started my July challenge 2 days early and thought that with the exercise program that I’d be passed out, in a good way, when I finally did hit the bed. That hasn’t happened and that’s been after and hour long session at the gym and an hour long hike. Neither helped.

I decided to do my July challenge this month with my crazy friend. She needs to get healthy and I suggested this in hopes that it would motivate and help her. If you’ve been here before my challenge is that for an entire month I pick five things that I want to do everyday. For this challenge she and I decided that if either one of us doesn’t complete all things (hers is only 3 things) then we put a $1.00 in a jar. When we get enough to take a vacation or do something fun then we use that money.

My challenge is usually the same each month but it keeps me motivated so that’s a good thing. For the entire month of July these are my five things:

  1. Eat Keto everyday.
  2. Exercise everyday, mostly getting in my 10,000 steps a day.
  3. Clean every day.
  4. Read every day.
  5. NO MEN!

Something about my challenge is new but it came about because of recent happenings (or not-happenings) and a discussion with my crazy friend. You all know here how private I am. Well, I hadn’t told my crazy friend about what was going on with the drummer when it started except that he and I were still talking and friends. I left it at that. A couple months ago she came to one of his shows, not knowing anything and was sitting at the table with THE friend and me. At one point THE friend had gotten up and either hugged me or kissed my forehead or something and my crazy friend was watching the band on stage… or more-so the drummer and from whatever look he had on his face she immediately pointed her finger at me and said, “Oh My God! You two are fucking! Because (drummer) just got jealous!”

My reply was, “What? You are so wrong. He probably has something in his contact” But then a bit after that she saw a message come through on my phone from him that said something about coming over and something dirty. At this point I couldn’t hide it anymore nor could I hide the bite marks but just gave her basics, explained to her that it was nothing and that we were just friends.

One reason that I keep things to myself is that I HATE to be repeatedly asked about them. This is what happened. Every time I saw her after that it was, “So, what’s going on with you and (drummer)?” She learned quickly that I didn’t really go deep into detail. However, one night, we had partaken in some fun stuff and been drinking a bit and she was able to get more out of me. This was not that long ago when I’d finally said, “It’s over. I’m done.”

She’s asked me a lot of questions over the last week or so and had a lot of “advice” even though I wasn’t asking for it. One thing she said was that there had to be a reason why, after all that’s happened in a year and a half, how he and I were still friends and in each others lives. I ask myself that a lot as well especially if it ends like this. But two things baffled her about his and my situation. One, how do I keep my “feelings” out of it? The second was how am I not jealous of the other women?

Actually, great questions. I first told her that it would be hard to understand being that she is such an emotional person. I then explained that I never went in this with my heart open. In the beginning he was taken and now he’s treating women like a buffet which he should. There’s no room for emotions here. Then, I explained about the jealousy thing. So, one thing I learned in my spiritual journey is that all the negative things in life stem out of attachment. Once you stop or change your view of attachment you realize that a lot of negative emotions, including jealousy go away. At the end of the day, he is and has never been “mine” because humans are not property.

Then she asked a question which I really had to think about. She said, “If he came to you and said he WANTED to be in a relationship with you would you open your heart?”

The first thing I thought was, “How have I never really thought about that before?” My answer is probably because I’m not a typical girl that girl brains things. Yet another reason why he pissed me off so much with his reply last week. But after a while of thinking I said, “Here’s the thing. I like spending time with him. I enjoy his company. If he sat me down and said that he was serious and that he wanted me to open my heart to him then I would try it.” However, there’s not been much “trying” on his part through all this. I mean, I go see HIM at a show or I go to HIS home. It’s always on his schedule, doing what HE wants. There’s been no equality in anything we’ve done. Which leads me to my next thought.

I think that I require a different type of love from a man than he is able to give to me, or anyone. I’m not a woman that needs to be saved, smothered or treated like an idiot but I am a woman who has so many scars from my past that I need an unselfish, unconditional and non-judgmental type of love. I need a man that has the strength to pull me out of myself and wake my soul up. I don’t and have never gotten the impression that he even wants to know my soul let alone wake it up.

But, at the end of the day, it’s all a moot point because I’m not doing anything with any man for 31 days. I’m cleansing myself. I’m taking care of myself and I really am going to be selfish this month. This also happens to work out perfectly because one of those other men that I talked about last year, he’s coming home at the end of July. He left the country for work months ago and he’s finally coming back.

I never gave this guy a nickname on here but I did talk about him a little bit. We have amazing conversations for hours. He texts me all the time that he misses me. I don’t have the sexual chemistry that I have with the drummer with this guy BUT maybe that’s something that will come with time. I don’t know. I used to think that we’d just always be ONLY friends but that had great conversations but he’s been romancing a lot lately. It’s nice to have that, even if he is thousands of miles away right now. I miss the romance and the intimacy and the mutually great conversations. I guess I’ll have to give him a nickname at some point. I think I’d give up any and all FWB’s right now for a real, true romance. I’ve not had that in way too long. It’s something that I deserve and I know that.

So, my weekend was great. My challenge has started and I’m feeling amazing. I hope your weekend was amazing as well. What would YOU challenged yourself with this month? xXx

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The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

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Last weekend was a drag, but my week was great…

Sunday was my GBF’s birthday and we decided to go, on Friday to a drag club. I thought it would be fun since I was doing a Keto/training reboot starting April 1st so I was going to go out with a bang. There was a pretty large group of us and half were drinking. Mix that with drag queens and yes, it was a blast. We also did a much tamer brunch on Sunday with his closest friends which was also great.

I’ve said this before but my friends become my family and I’ll do anything for them. This is especially true for my GBF since he gets to see my neurotic, compulsive weirdness more than most. I am blessed to have him in my life for sure.

Now, prior to Friday night my previous weekend was so much crap. I’d had numerous plans each day basically starting at 5 on Friday. I should have known that because I’d had a full calendar that nothing would go as planned and it didn’t. Now, this might have something to do with the insane amount of 12:34’s that I’ve been seeing. One interpretation of this is to simplify your life. Since then I’ve been going through my stuff to give, throw or put away. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate after losing your shit. But the point here is that that weekend I didn’t go out at all.

Usually by Monday, if I’ve not done anything over the weekend I feel deprived. This was no exception. Monday comes and goes and I’m starting to get into a funk. My mood is sad, or depressed or something. Something wasn’t sitting right in my soul. That’s when I decided it’s time to get back on the workout/eating right wagon which started yesterday.

Tuesday, well that was a little different. During the day I was getting so much work done to distract myself from how crappy I’d been feeling and just after 5 the drummer asked if I’d come over to his new place. I don’t think we’d seen each other since the night we’d sat in my car and listened to music. Even though I’d already had plans I canceled on them and decided to go over.

We went to a local bar of his first and had a few drinks then went and hung out at his place. It was a really good time. I won’t go into much detail but I still have bite marks on me from a week ago and strangely that’s exactly how I like it. BUT we actually talked a lot and listened to music as well. It’s actually kind of spooky that we’ve had similar situations in our lives. Most prolifically is our fathers and probably how we both feel about them now.

I’ll probably only admit this right now to you guys here but I’m kinda liking this guy. I have lots of fun when we’re together whether it is learning his history or listening to music or getting bitten. I still can’t tell what he’s thinking though, about us. I think that I must have reached my quota at one point by telling him that I don’t want to hear bullshit, only real shit because, I think, he said that nothing he’s ever said to me is bullshit. Now, the reason I say “I think” is because I’m wasn’t completely sober and neither was he which is another reason why I’m not convinced that what he says is real.

I am trying to be more open to whatever comes my way and I’m not “seeing” any one else but also not trying to be a stupid girl at the end of all this either. I’m living in the moment, having fun with him when I can and trying not to girl brain any situations at all. I’m realizing his faults or flaws and trying to be above them. I think that’s growth right?

We’ve almost know each other for a year now and in a year I can usually see and be annoyed by someone’s faults or flaws BUT I am choosing to be better than that. One thing that used to bother the crap out of me is the whole, “respond to a message” thing. I guess, because I use my phone for work which I work 24/7 I respond as quick as possible but others do not, or negate the message completely. It annoyed me in the beginning but I can acknowledge that as a flaw and move on or I can let it drive me crazy. At the end of the day I know he’s got a much more hectic life than I do and I’m not going to let it drive me crazy.Β On the same note one of the absolute BEST things about him is that he is NEVER on his phone when I’m with him. That’s so fucking awesome I can’t even explain it. I think that actually makes up for other.

I’m still pretty secretive about him though, mostly because I have no idea what we are. But also, and you guys know this, I don’t like to shout about my “ships” to anyone. It’s no one else’s business. But there’s also part of me that’s never really wanted everyone else to ask, “So where is this going?” especially because I don’t even know. My family is coming down here in just over a month and I know I’ll get the obligatory “Are you seeing anyone?” and most likely my answer will be no besides, he’s still newly single. He needs to go out there and experience what’s out there. While I wouldn’t mind seeing him more at all I’m not freaking out that we are not. See, this is so much growth.

I think I’ve said this before but that mouth of his… Wow. I could kiss him for days. I could even just sit next to him and listen to him talk and listen to music for days. I will say that there’s a lot of things that I’ve asked for in my intention settings that he checks off on those lists. I have yet to have the, “Oh by the way, I’m seriously fucked up about love, intimacy and my history is a cluster-fuck of horribly bad events” talk. It’s not that we’re close to having that talk but I think he’s getting some idea already.

As much as I look like a tense cat when someone tries to be intimate with me (by that I mean the hand holding, kissing, caressing and things like that) I like when he holds my hand, hugs me and I even like the things he says even though I can’t read where it registers on the bullshit meter yet. I would like to have an overnight stay soon though. I mean, it’s been me going to his part of the world till 4/5 in the morning then driving home and sleeping for a few hours before getting up to work again. While I don’t mind that I’d still like to see each other without having to rush to get anywhere or do anything.

Funnily enough, we joked about taking a trip together which, since we’ve not even had an overnight stay with each other seems far beyond reality but I wouldn’t care if we went camping, to the beach or even to Austin for a day or two. All I’m saying here is that I like what I’ve seen so far. I hope he does too but if he doesn’t I’m ok with that too. I’m open to him and yet still guarded enough to not get hurt down the line. I’m being smarter this time. Still turns me on more than any man has EVER.

Now, when we’re not together is when I get to spend my time working on myself. That part I like as well because I never feel better than when I’m eating right, working out and meditating for me. Pretty soon, I’ll look even better and will either be turning the others away even more so than I am now or I’ll be accepting those requests for dates. Depends on what April has to offer. Right now though, I’m happy. That’s what matters. The drummer is in this chapter in my life and I’m liking this book right now. I am also grateful for him tonight and am grateful that he saw something in me a year ago that made him want to “friend request” me on Facebook and real life.

Nite xXx

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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The History of Connections…

I’ve had the weirdest week. Now, for me, that’s saying something. My week has been all about reconnections. I’ve found people I that I’d lost. I reconnected with people that I thought I’d never hear from again and found out one thing… We can all change peoples lives just by acknowledging something real about them from our past.

I’ll start with the first one. When I was a teenager I my best friends girlfriend and I were close. Not so close that it was a real bond that has stood the test of time but close enough for us to have a few memorable nights. One of those nights, I was sitting in her bedroom and her brother came in. He and I started talking about French and German existentialism because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 15 and want to seem deeper than you really are. It was the only real conversation that he and I had ever really had but at the end of it he gave me a book. It’s called When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin D Yalom. Keep in mind that this was 25 years ago. But through all my purges I’d kept this book. To be honest with you it wasn’t because it was a good read, in fact, I don’t actually remember ever reading it. I kept it because it was something that someone gave (let me borrow) and it had his hand written poetry inside.

I randomly saw this guy pop up on my “You might know this person” on Facebook. So one day I finally decided to send him a friend request. He’d quickly accepted but a few days later had sent me a message asking if we actually knew each other because my name sounded so familiar. You see, there’s another part to this. We both have another mutual friend that is in trouble in this town for his behavior. That’s a story for a bit further down this blog but he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t a “plant” trying to get information out of him about our mutual friend.

I explained to him our history and sent him a picture of the book. He then said, “Please don’t think this is to much and I hope it’s not but I’ve not cried for months, not really. But this – this got me.. in that healing and good and cathartic manner that crying can be”. It was more than the book but it was our history and the fact that I chose to keep it after all these years. I’m not going to lie. It made me cry too. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and this was just one of them. So there we are, two old friends, reliving times that we’d forgotten and having a cathartic cry. Then to top things off, I’d sent him a pic of the poetry that he’d written in all of the pages and all he could do is repeatedly thank me for making his week. I was so touched.

I have to admit that since the hurricane almost a year ago I’ve become much more in touch with my feelings. It’s a weird thing for me. So, so many things have changed for me. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than this time last year. Mostly, it’s all happening in randomness. Which leads me to my second and most amazing story.

You all know, here, how much I LOVE music and how much it means to me. Every about it. Well 23 years ago I sat in a music recording studio with four boys. Yes, we were all basically kids. The producer that was there, I have always admired, appreciated and looked for. I wasn’t like, crazy stalker-girl or anything but I’d occasionally do some random searching for his name but never came up with anything. I never assumed he’d remember some “groupie” girl that was just in the background. I always knew this experience would always mean more to me than it did to him but it was and has always been so important to me to tell him how much he meant to me.

Well, on one of my “I’m bored, lets search” searches I came across his name. I’d emailed him and asked if he was the owner of a studio in Houston years ago and to my excitement he replied with an enthusiastic “Yes!”. So, remember when I told you that this week had been emotional… I instantly cried. Like tears streaming down, excited and nostalgic balling. I’d decided to go through my old photos, which were thankfully saved from flood waters. I was remember all our conversations and to my surprise and delight the producer had said he’d remember me and gave me his phone number to call him over the weekend.

After a bit of miscommunication trying to get one another we finally were on the phone this afternoon and reminiscing. He’d said that out of all the people that came in his studio with that band he remembered the bass player and me the most fondly and he’d always assumed we’d be the one’s the “make it”. I kept saying, “Are you sure you’re thinking of the right girl” and to my surprise not only did he describe me but recited one of the most prolific conversations I’ve ever had with anyone which we’d had while sitting on the steps of a local bar which has since been closed. He’d said that he was telling his hair dresser about me today and she asked him if he’d been “good”. His reply shocked me. He said that he told her, “It’s weird, yes I was good but I knew that she was only 16/17 at the time and all I could think of was how great our conversations were. He’d admitted that he felt awkward back then being able to talk to me the way he did.

Don’t miss understand, our conversations were never anything sexual and there were no sexual overtones either. But he said he had to keep reminding himself of my age. Now, he’s invited me to come stay with him in the northeast where he lives. I’d realized quickly that NOW he realized I’m much old and our conversations were still flowing after a 23 year sabbatical from each other. He’d asked if I was single so my assumption that nothing is off limits now is a bit more realistic.

The best part though was hearing about his past, after the band. Where he’s been. What he’s done. I’d told him that I often tell his teachings to others. I love telling people about him because he was one of the few adult figures in my life that I truly respected and taught me as if I was his equal even though he knew and knows far more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. But, as I’m telling him the story that I, so often repeat to others, he’s just on the other end of the phone saying, “Wow, yes! Yes! That’s it. You remember. Wow.”.

I finalized the conversation by telling him that I just wanted to make sure he knew that he was, is and has been a mentor of mine for 23 years. I wanted to thank him for that and tell him that I am blessed to have known him. We traded more contact information and he’s sending me some of the bands history.

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually take him up on his offer to come stay with him, although tempting, I am blown away with the impression that he had of me back then. I always assumed that he just thought of me as some kid but no he never did. In fact, he thought of me much more fondly that I’d ever expect. I know of all the people that touch my lives and yet, for some reason, I’m always shocked when it goes the other direction.

Relationships are NEVER coincidence. There is always a purpose. I say that a lot but I realize that now more than ever. I think that’s why I was so drawn to the drummer. I always thought that there was some other purpose for us to “find” each other. I’m, of course, desperately sexually attracted to him but it has to be more than that. I can’t have him like that and because I won’t cross those boundaries I’ve made a pact with my friend to not go see the band for a very long time. He’d said that he was drawn to me and that we had chemistry and that when he’s around me he wants to, or does things that he’s not supposed to do so I’ve made it easy by staying away so he’s not put in the position to be bad.

My point is, I think part of the reason we found each other was to fulfill a need in me to be around a great and brilliant musician. While I met him in a cover band, I’ve seen his work as an original artist and good. Great even. I actually told him once, “For me, watching you play the drums is like watching an erotic porn”. I meant every word of that too. But it’s hard to believe that our story is over. It’s hard to believe that he will no longer be a character in my storybook. Watching him, watching the band and being friends with them brought me back to so much of my younger years and so maybe he was just placed in my story so that I can have nostalgia flashbacks. Who knows?!

The friend and I were actually placed back into each others lives again. This times it’s different though. His heart is broken and he needs a friend. This time, I’m there as a FRIEND completely. We actually talk now and, hopefully, listen to each other. I realized, as he’s telling me about his heartbreak, that all I wanted for him to be happy. Before, all I wanted was for him to be happy, with me. Things with us are probably how they always should have been if my “feelings” didn’t get in the way. I have always wanted him to succeed though and I’m glad that he’d found someone that helped him do that. I’d always thought it would have been me that helped him but after years of systematic masochistic abuse on both our parts I released him and the power he had over me. I released my attachment to him completely. He and I will never be more than what we are right now but what we are right now is so much better than anything we’d been in the past.

So tonight, I am blessed and thankful for re-uniting with old friends. Getting to hear how I influence them and being able to tell them how much I appreciate them. If you have someone in your life that you appreciate make sure that today, you tell them. It never hurts to give someone a compliment and that is one huge compliment.

Nite xxx

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Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. πŸ™‚

Setting Intentions and other Full Moon activities…

First let me explain just how powerful the moon is today and tomorrow… “We are having a major energy shift. Energy is currently super-charged while approaching a full Moon Total Eclipse. Six planets are in retrograde, Mars is appearing as big as the moon and intense geomagnetic storms are happening.

Signs that the full moon is affecting you:

  • Can’t think straight
  • Ears are ringing
  • Head is buzzing.
  • You’re struggling to communicate with others and feel irritable, angry, argumentative, zoned out, zapped of energy and are struggling to sleep.

If you are feeling any of that you are perfectly fine, in fact, you’re better than fine because it means that you are attuned to the universe and are going through a huge personal shift that will feel brutal but will push you through an extreme and much-needed transformation.

All of us are about to experience the longest eclipse of this entire century and at the same time go through the fastest, most powerful and turbulent life changes. It is highly recommended to take time out as often as possible over these next few days and quickly remove yourself from any situations that are potentially becoming explosive.

We’ll all notice our past coming back to test us and the decisions we make over this period will either show how much we have grown or how we are still stuck repeating the same dramas and maintaining ties that we know we should have cut some time ago.

This is our opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’ve learned from heartbreaking mistakes and we’re no longer afraid to end what is harmful and open up to new beginnings that hold life-changing possibilities.

Make sure that you are drinking lots of water, taking salt baths, walking barefoot in nature and take time out alone but mostly deep breaths and count to ten regularly.” – That information was used from ‘iamthebeardgod’ on instagram.

What does that mean for you? Well, it could mean nothing if you’re closed minded. However, if you believe then it could mean everything. We are NOT destined to be stuck in the place we’re at. Things, people, situations and the universe are always conspiring to change our world whether it be internally or externally. We just have to be open to the possibilities of change.

I’ve noticed some crazy reactions this week due to this full moon and let me tell you these are not unrealistic manifestations. I’ve seen someone rage so badly that it went on to effect, no less than, five other people. I’ve felt sexual energy that could be cut with a knife and felt others restless emotions more than ever. I’m being to think that be empathic is not a great thing. There are things to do though that will help get you through all of this and the main thing is to take a deep breath and go be alone. Since I have had a house guest since Sunday, I’ve done that a lot.

Another thing to do during a full moon is to set intentions for the universe at to what you’re looking for, whether it be in a significant other, financially, or just a clearer understanding of others. Find something that you want to change, embrace or understand better. Write it down or speak it into the universe. I actually went and had my chakra’s balanced last night which is a whole thing I’ll talk about another time but I left my friends place feeling “found” again and back in place. My body tingled and my head was clearer. It was a beautiful thing.

Today, though, I set my intentions for the things I need, want or desire because, well, that’s what I do…

  • I want a sense of purpose and belonging. I want to make everyone’s life better who’s around me.
  • I want financial freedom and a sense of security.
  • I want to be at peace with my past, presently so my future is no longer effected.
  • I want to be healthy, happy and energized.
  • I want my relationships to be strong and meaningful and powerful.
  • I want music in my life even more than now. I want to enjoy it. Let it move me. Feel it every day.
  • I want those around me to be happy and content yet always striving for better. I also want those around me to be calm and peaceful.
  • I want a happy, peaceful and sexually charged home πŸ™‚ for me. I want a fun and loving home as well.
  • I want to feel confident, sexy, beautiful and powerful.
  • Now the fun part: Seeing my intentions for a romantic relationship πŸ™‚
    • I want a man who is fun and funny.
    • I want a man who is kind and sexy.
    • I want a man who is tattooed and loves music.
    • I want a man who is beautiful and spiritual.
    • I want a man who looks at me and I feel it everywhere.
    • I want a man who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels and what he wants.
    • I want a man who is strong and happy.
    • I want an exotic man. (Maybe with an accent).
    • I want a man that wants to be with me because I am all those things and more.
    • I want an honest man who is also trustworthy.
    • I want romance and good surprises and communicates.

And those are my intentions for this powerful full moon. What are yours?

xxx

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