I literally started writing this a week ago, then something happened and I write more and then something else would happen and I’d delete it. So now it’s 2 in the morning and I’ve been home for an hour, taken a shower and am just a bit more high than I thought I was 2 hours ago.
First, I’m finding my life a bit more stressful than normal and finding it so nice to get high lately, which I never used to do at least not very often. The thing with that is it puts me in these moods. They’re these composed, contemplative reflective moods. I guess that’s ok and it also depends on who I’m with when I do. Tonight on my drive home I was obsessed with this song by Hozier called Movement… OMG I’m in LOVE with this song. But it just started me thinking about my week and the men in it.
Monday or Tuesday, I’d gone out with this guy friend of mine, of course. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. We actually used to be neighbors when we first moved to the states. His dad and mine where best friends. I’d gotten back in touch with him because he owns 2 bars and I was hitting him up to have the drummer play there. Didn’t work out but we did decide to hang out.
The last time I actually saw him in person was probably 20 years ago and he was a dancer at LaBare which if you don’t know what that is it’s a strip club for females. I never thought he was attractive because he had some of the worst teeth I’ve ever seen which he’s since gotten fixed but still no attraction plus we’re more like siblings than anything else. Anyway, we hung out and talked about old times, family and bullshit. It was ok but I don’t see myself going out of my way to hang out much with him again. The next couple days were “boring” compared to the end of the week.
I’ve spoken about my ex Dan before. I think he’s an amazing guy but we would never work out in the long run even though we did consider having a baby together (years ago) but he and I have these weird periods of time when we don’t see each other then boom one of us pops up and we hang out and I remember just how awesome of a human he is. Which he is. A couple months ago, I’d written a post about him being really depressed and we went and had drinks and I felt so bad for him.
We hadn’t spoken since then except a birthday text to him a week or two ago. Thursday, I get a text message from him that just said, “I’m sorry”. It was then a whole lot of gibberish. He’d finally called me and he was a terrible mess. He kept saying, “I love you”. Y’all know how allergic to that phrase that I am but I just kept replying “Where are you? Where are you?” Then I felt like I just needed to keep him on the phone.
He was saying shit like, “I wrote you a letter. I love you. I’m sorry.” Then he said suicide and my heart fell into my stomach. He was so emotional and I just felt every single thing he was saying like blades to my heart for the pain he was feeling. I’d convinced him to go home. Then, I had no idea what to do so I called the police to do a welfare check on him. I then spent the evening going back and forth with the police. Finally he’d gotten home and was sitting in his driveway. We’d talked almost all night until I made him promise me that he would go inside his home, cuddle his dog and pass the fuck out.
I was scared to death and I just wanted to go and hold him but had no idea what I’d be walking into. I just kept talking to him until he literally fell asleep and since then all I can hear is his words, “I love you. I’m sorry”. He’s never hurt me, he’s never ever had a reason to apologize for anything to me and I understand why he was saying that but now thinking about it make me cry. It takes a lot to make me cry but hearing his pain was just unbearable.
Since then I’ve been sending him messages but avoided going over there. While all I really want to do is sit there and hold him I also know that in this vulnerable state he might get the wrong idea and then I would be the girl he calls to “save him” and the girl who turns him down when he’s at his weakest. Not a great place to be in. He and I will always have a deep emotional connection but absolutely NO chemistry. I will probably break down this week and go see him though because I feel like I have to. I’m not intentionally glossing over the severity of what happened that night because I’m an asshole and don’t care. I’m glossing over that because it’s making me feel terrible. These are the days of our lives…
Then Friday was a nice dinner out and some cathartic driving which by then I needed. Saturday, however was unexpectedly fun. THE friend asked to stay again but this time wanted to go have dinner and go to a burlesque show. He and I have gone to several in the past so I said sure. He paid for every single thing. Before I get a bunch of questions though, it wasn’t a date. I haven’t actually been on a “date” for far too long.
He’d actually gotten pretty drunk but he was a happy drunk and we were enjoying ourselves. There was this one moment when this random guy started talking to us though and then introduced his friend to us. Then his friend and I started flirting with each other until THE friend had some insight into already knowing that guy and then it just got creepy after that. The random dudes friend was cute and there was a vibe in the beginning but the more and more we spoke then less and less I was interested. We came home and he passed out on the couch and I went into my bedroom and watched scary movies till I fell asleep.
I was supposed to go have dinner with a client tonight but he rescheduled which ended up being in my favor. First, I’d been texting with the drummer a bit and flirting and he’d said something about getting together later which I just blew off assuming he’d be too tired or busy or just forget in general. Remember you can’t be disappointed if you don’t have any expectations.
Then I’d decided to go to my friends house and watch him make dinner. I told him I wasn’t eating so we just talked. He’s another of my “maybe’s” but I don’t get the full package with him. I mean he’s attractive but there’s just nothing there. Too easy maybe? I don’t know anymore. But while we were chatting the drummer texted and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I left one guy to go see another but hey, I wasn’t on a date and there’s no chemistry with the first guy.
I get to this “new bar” that the drummer wanted to meet at and we had a nice long conversation about chicks and stuff, nothing deep but I really think he’s still waiting for me to be jealous of all his chicks. Thing is, I’m not. Guys seem to think that jealousy is love, in my opinion, so when a chicks not jealous they don’t care but then they don’t want you to be too jealous cause that’s a turnoff. I just don’t see our relationship and any type of ownership. Therefore, there’s no room for jealousy. But, and here’s where guys really get it wrong with me, even in actually dating scenarios I don’t get jealous. Hell, I’ll even point out a hot chick to them. I just think that our relationship is one thing that means or meets certain needs and if they go looking for something else in someone why limit their range of motion. I just don’t get it. I’ve been told before by a previous ex that I should be more jealous, or jealous at all because a little bit is a turn on. Maybe I’ll work on that or I won’t.
So after a few drinks we went back to his place which I’d not been back to for a couple months. It felt nice, mostly because I know what we do when we’re there. There is something that I wish I could bottle is that chemistry. However, tonight was a weird night for us. I mean, the good stuff, the sexual stuff will probably always be there. If I could bottle THAT shit and give to a guy that loves me THAT would be perfect. I like that we still have that chemistry after over a year.
However, I realized a few things. One, when I do find a guy that I want to date I won’t be able to see the drummer ever again because I am not certain that I could keep my “never cheated” run going. It’s just there. He literally turns me on more than any man has ever. It’s almost unfair that this is between just friends.
Which brings me to my next thought. I like that we can just get to our business and then leave each other right after. We had the “F” part of our “FWB” before while having drinks then we went back to his place and had the “WB” part which I am always down for but on my drive home it almost felt a little too “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am”. I said the other night on here that I am not a woman who is missing the sex in life but I am a woman who’s missing the intimacy. I think THAT’S what I needed tonight.
It did feel a little like, “Your money’s on the nightstand” evening at the end but I know that HE had fun. I did too. Trust me. Nothing feels better than making sure he’s sexually sated. Also, terrible choice in music this evening especially to get me in the mood. Y’all know that I like to feel the music and it’s not like I’m saying, “Make me believe you mean the things they’re singing about” but I need some sexy music. I can remember almost the times I’ve been intimate with anyone just because of the music. Again, not saying he’s got to play Sade or anything just some sweet, soulful sounds of sex in my ears is nice. Is it a necessity? No, because we have amazing sexual chemistry BUT it’s just a nice thought.
The things he’s said in the past about feelings or the really sweet things I knew when he said them that they were bullshit BUT now I have absolute confirmation so I basically will never believe anything sweet that comes out of his mouth. I didn’t “believe” it before but now he’s kind of ruined it by saying it’s all basically bullshit. This is where I think to myself that it’s even more of a good idea to keep my emotions out of it. So, with him, I have none. That sounds shitty but I just mean that this is a true “FWB’s” relationship and I’m right for keeping my eyes open elsewhere.
You already know that part of him of how he makes me feel goes into my “intention setting” to find me the perfect guy for me. That chemistry, some of those conversations. We get each other. We just do. There’s still a bit of game there because that’s fun too and I will be sad when it’s over but that’s what happens. It’s great until it’s not and then it becomes work. Tonight, was great and didn’t feel like work. That’s what we are, FWB’s that are fun.
I’ve said this to him before, I think his part of the game is that he WANTS me to fall in love with him. Then he’s won and he’d be done. Funny though because he’s going to be waiting a very long time. I’ve just never been a girl who falls like that. We do have a special type of relationship though and it’s not actually definable. Yes, we’re friends but we’re more than that and less than lovers. I reminded him tonight that we’re allowed to do anything that we want in private and it not bleed into public consumption because it’s no one else’s business but our own. He’s never my only option but I like to chose him first right now.
Two of the best things tonight, the way he grabbed my face and kissed me with this powerful passion. I love that passion we have between us. I love that it builds up and up until we both just almost explode. The next thing, him, black pants and no shirt, barefoot. Seriously, THAT’S probably the image that I’ll fall asleep with in my mind.
On that note, I’m going to sleep now with happy thoughts about what I just did a few hours earlier and I’ll be happy for tonight. Enjoy your week, all of you. xXx