Current Happenings and a slow Saturday night…

Remember when I said that if I’m quiet on here it’s usually because my life is actually really great? So this sabbatical is because of that. I met two really great guys in the last month. One doesn’t live here and the other does but I’m not as attracted to him. Here’s the thing though. While I’ve been spending time with two really great guys, I’ve not slept with either one yet.

I’ve told you all before that I’m not quick to jump in bed with anyone. Even though it’s been a while since I have had sex I’m not rushing it with these two either. I mean I’m still getting to know them. We’re not “dating” but I guess you could say we’ve gone out on a few dates. I actually haven’t even kissed either of them yet.

The one from out of town I think I like the most and here’s why. I NEVER (ok almost) invite guys to my place. I always go to them because then I can leave when I want. Another thing that I never do is cook for them. So the one from out of town is coming back to town in two weeks and I think I’m going to let him stay with me AND cook for him. I don’t know why I want to but I do. I haven’t invited him yet but we’ll see how our conversations flow over the next week or so or if anything else happens with the other guy.

Why am I moving so slow with both of these when I could have literally already jumped into bed with either of them? Because that’s not me. I just don’t give it away freely. I also want to make sure these are both good guys and figure out which one I like more then end it with the other.

Both guys are friends of friends. Both are average to good looking. In town guy is taller with dark blonde hair and out of town guy is about 5ft 11in with dark hair. I’m going through specifics more for me at this point than you all. Sorry I just don’t know what I want. They are both exceptionally sweet. In town guy is almost too sweet though like he’s not actually being himself. I also don’t think that he’s very spontaneous. Whereas out of town guy seems pretty spontaneous and has more of a sarcastic side. That I like a lot.

Another reason I’m going super slow with both these two guys is that I know, just because I want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to jump at the first guy that’s interested in him and I in him. To also be honest with all of you, I’m not insanely attracted to either, like I don’t just want to rip their clothes off. That takes a lot. It’s also a bit sad that I think I’m more attracted to the out of town guy because he’s out of town. I really like my personal space. While I don’t mind a 24 hour run with someone I don’t need to see them all the time. I can handle seeing someone twice a week maybe with one over-night. I don’t know maybe I’ve just not met someone that rocked my world enough to want to be with them all the time. Is that a thing?

I know that this full moon is a big one. It’s supposed to bring about all these emotions and allow you to let go of things that no longer serve you. For me, it’s allowed me to let go of one-sided relationships and relationships where I’m treated as if I don’t matter. It’s also brought about this weird cleaning freak in me. It started with my obsessive need to find a new couch. I finally found my new couch which will get delivered next week and in the days before it does I’m cleansing my space. I’m donating, selling or throwing away a shitload of stuff and cleaning everything. I need to bring new energy in to myself and my home.

I recently saw a meme that said, “I’ve just realized that buying books and reading them are two completely different things.” While I laughed at that I do believe that pertains to me. I have so many books, cooking, homeopathic remedies, music, biographies, sex and money books that I have either already read or will never read. I have clothes that no longer fit, shoes that look terrible and stacks of paperwork that I have no use for anymore. They are all going away.

Almost everyone that comes in my home says that there’s a feeling of peace and calm in here and that’s probably why I get home guest that don’t leave for days but I pride myself on that and will get back to that soon. There’s some energy in here for sure and I need to keep it cleansed especially if I invite someone to come stay.

Wanna know a secret? After moving back to Houston after the hurricane I got a new bed and mattress. It’s been about a year and a half and my secret is… I’ve never had sex in my bed or on that mattress… That’s how sacred MY space is that I just don’t bring anyone back here. I don’t just let anyone here. I felt the need to say that outloud because I wanted to give you all an idea as to just how sacred I think my space is and how I’m not easily had.

Now, because of everything that’s been going on with me externally and internally I did ask advice from my Shaman… The first thing that was said is that this full moon is about to bring real love in my life BUT it might not be from either of my two new men. I don’t know what that means because I can’t really juggle another guy and keep self-caring at the same time. If that’s true and there is a third option then I would drop those two like hot potatoes (stupid phrase).

Sorry that I’m all over the place tonight but that’s what happens when I’ve been gone so long on my blog. I have too much to say and my thoughts are quicker than my fingers. I do feel my life is kind of like that too though right now. It’s all jumbled. Things are not perfect nor will they ever been but it appears that the people in my life are in different places than I am and I’m not really syncing with anyone right now, not even those two men. I’m out of sync.

I’m hoping that a good cleansing bath and yoga session tomorrow (later today) will do the trick but I thought that once most of my clients deadlines had past that I’d have more time and I wouldn’t be up till 2 am most nights. That is not the case. My mind is still swimming, as is an Aquarius mind most of the time. We live inside our heads more than out of them. I’ve not had a good cathartic cry lately and I probably need to over the people that are no longer in my life, the ones that I’m currently saying goodbye to and just the overall atmosphere of everything. I probably should have a breakdown soon but I just don’t feel it.

I had a friend give me some pill that’s supposed to knock me out tonight because of my noisy mind and we’ll see if that works. I do need the sleep because I can’t focus on anything. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my GBF’s sister, my ex and those two above a lot. But now that it’s turning cold I’m just loving this weather and need to get back to my nature walks. That’s usually meditative for me. I’ve also been staying completely sober lately to keep my head clean without distractions. It helps.

Well, it’s just after one in the morning. The bathroom is clean and organized and hopefully this pill knocks me out so I can tackle the bedroom, living room and office tomorrow. I have high expectations of myself. So, I hope you all are having a great weekend. Maybe the next time I post I’ll have made my decision and will be feeling a little bit more “myself”. Nite xXx

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My Week of Men…

I literally started writing this a week ago, then something happened and I write more and then something else would happen and I’d delete it. So now it’s 2 in the morning and I’ve been home for an hour, taken a shower and am just a bit more high than I thought I was 2 hours ago.

First, I’m finding my life a bit more stressful than normal and finding it so nice to get high lately, which I never used to do at least not very often. The thing with that is it puts me in these moods. They’re these composed, contemplative reflective moods. I guess that’s ok and it also depends on who I’m with when I do. Tonight on my drive home I was obsessed with this song by Hozier called Movement… OMG I’m in LOVE with this song. But it just started me thinking about my week and the men in it.

Monday or Tuesday, I’d gone out with this guy friend of mine, of course. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. We actually used to be neighbors when we first moved to the states. His dad and mine where best friends. I’d gotten back in touch with him because he owns 2 bars and I was hitting him up to have the drummer play there. Didn’t work out but we did decide to hang out.

The last time I actually saw him in person was probably 20 years ago and he was a dancer at LaBare which if you don’t know what that is it’s a strip club for females. I never thought he was attractive because he had some of the worst teeth I’ve ever seen which he’s since gotten fixed but still no attraction plus we’re more like siblings than anything else. Anyway, we hung out and talked about old times, family and bullshit. It was ok but I don’t see myself going out of my way to hang out much with him again. The next couple days were “boring” compared to the end of the week.

I’ve spoken about my ex Dan before. I think he’s an amazing guy but we would never work out in the long run even though we did consider having a baby together (years ago) but he and I have these weird periods of time when we don’t see each other then boom one of us pops up and we hang out and I remember just how awesome of a human he is. Which he is. A couple months ago, I’d written a post about him being really depressed and we went and had drinks and I felt so bad for him.

We hadn’t spoken since then except a birthday text to him a week or two ago. Thursday, I get a text message from him that just said, “I’m sorry”. It was then a whole lot of gibberish. He’d finally called me and he was a terrible mess. He kept saying, “I love you”. Y’all know how allergic to that phrase that I am but I just kept replying “Where are you? Where are you?” Then I felt like I just needed to keep him on the phone.

He was saying shit like, “I wrote you a letter. I love you. I’m sorry.” Then he said suicide and my heart fell into my stomach. He was so emotional and I just felt every single thing he was saying like blades to my heart for the pain he was feeling. I’d convinced him to go home. Then, I had no idea what to do so I called the police to do a welfare check on him. I then spent the evening going back and forth with the police. Finally he’d gotten home and was sitting in his driveway. We’d talked almost all night until I made him promise me that he would go inside his home, cuddle his dog and pass the fuck out.

I was scared to death and I just wanted to go and hold him but had no idea what I’d be walking into. I just kept talking to him until he literally fell asleep and since then all I can hear is his words, “I love you. I’m sorry”. He’s never hurt me, he’s never ever had a reason to apologize for anything to me and I understand why he was saying that but now thinking about it make me cry. It takes a lot to make me cry but hearing his pain was just unbearable.

Since then I’ve been sending him messages but avoided going over there. While all I really want to do is sit there and hold him I also know that in this vulnerable state he might get the wrong idea and then I would be the girl he calls to “save him” and the girl who turns him down when he’s at his weakest. Not a great place to be in. He and I will always have a deep emotional connection but absolutely NO chemistry. I will probably break down this week and go see him though because I feel like I have to. I’m not intentionally glossing over the severity of what happened that night because I’m an asshole and don’t care. I’m glossing over that because it’s making me feel terrible. These are the days of our lives…

Then Friday was a nice dinner out and some cathartic driving which by then I needed. Saturday, however was unexpectedly fun. THE friend asked to stay again but this time wanted to go have dinner and go to a burlesque show. He and I have gone to several in the past so I said sure. He paid for every single thing. Before I get a bunch of questions though, it wasn’t a date. I haven’t actually been on a “date” for far too long.

He’d actually gotten pretty drunk but he was a happy drunk and we were enjoying ourselves. There was this one moment when this random guy started talking to us though and then introduced his friend to us. Then his friend and I started flirting with each other until THE friend had some insight into already knowing that guy and then it just got creepy after that. The random dudes friend was cute and there was a vibe in the beginning but the more and more we spoke then less and less I was interested. We came home and he passed out on the couch and I went into my bedroom and watched scary movies till I fell asleep.

I was supposed to go have dinner with a client tonight but he rescheduled which ended up being in my favor. First, I’d been texting with the drummer a bit and flirting and he’d said something about getting together later which I just blew off assuming he’d be too tired or busy or just forget in general. Remember you can’t be disappointed if you don’t have any expectations.

Then I’d decided to go to my friends house and watch him make dinner. I told him I wasn’t eating so we just talked. He’s another of my “maybe’s” but I don’t get the full package with him. I mean he’s attractive but there’s just nothing there. Too easy maybe? I don’t know anymore. But while we were chatting the drummer texted and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I left one guy to go see another but hey, I wasn’t on a date and there’s no chemistry with the first guy.

I get to this “new bar” that the drummer wanted to meet at and we had a nice long conversation about chicks and stuff, nothing deep but I really think he’s still waiting for me to be jealous of all his chicks. Thing is, I’m not. Guys seem to think that jealousy is love, in my opinion, so when a chicks not jealous they don’t care but then they don’t want you to be too jealous cause that’s a turnoff. I just don’t see our relationship and any type of ownership. Therefore, there’s no room for jealousy. But, and here’s where guys really get it wrong with me, even in actually dating scenarios I don’t get jealous. Hell, I’ll even point out a hot chick to them. I just think that our relationship is one thing that means or meets certain needs and if they go looking for something else in someone why limit their range of motion. I just don’t get it. I’ve been told before by a previous ex that I should be more jealous, or jealous at all because a little bit is a turn on. Maybe I’ll work on that or I won’t.

So after a few drinks we went back to his place which I’d not been back to for a couple months. It felt nice, mostly because I know what we do when we’re there. There is something that I wish I could bottle is that chemistry. However, tonight was a weird night for us. I mean, the good stuff, the sexual stuff will probably always be there. If I could bottle THAT shit and give to a guy that loves me THAT would be perfect. I like that we still have that chemistry after over a year.

However, I realized a few things. One, when I do find a guy that I want to date I won’t be able to see the drummer ever again because I am not certain that I could keep my “never cheated” run going. It’s just there. He literally turns me on more than any man has ever. It’s almost unfair that this is between just friends.

Which brings me to my next thought. I like that we can just get to our business and then leave each other right after. We had the “F” part of our “FWB” before while having drinks then we went back to his place and had the “WB” part which I am always down for but on my drive home it almost felt a little too “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am”. I said the other night on here that I am not a woman who is missing the sex in life but I am a woman who’s missing the intimacy. I think THAT’S what I needed tonight.

It did feel a little like, “Your money’s on the nightstand” evening at the end but I know that HE had fun. I did too. Trust me. Nothing feels better than making sure he’s sexually sated. Also, terrible choice in music this evening especially to get me in the mood. Y’all know that I like to feel the music and it’s not like I’m saying, “Make me believe you mean the things they’re singing about” but I need some sexy music. I can remember almost the times I’ve been intimate with anyone just because of the music. Again, not saying he’s got to play Sade or anything just some sweet, soulful sounds of sex in my ears is nice. Is it a necessity? No, because we have amazing sexual chemistry BUT it’s just a nice thought.

The things he’s said in the past about feelings or the really sweet things I knew when he said them that they were bullshit BUT now I have absolute confirmation so I basically will never believe anything sweet that comes out of his mouth. I didn’t “believe” it before but now he’s kind of ruined it by saying it’s all basically bullshit. This is where I think to myself that it’s even more of a good idea to keep my emotions out of it. So, with him, I have none. That sounds shitty but I just mean that this is a true “FWB’s” relationship and I’m right for keeping my eyes open elsewhere.

You already know that part of him of how he makes me feel goes into my “intention setting” to find me the perfect guy for me. That chemistry, some of those conversations. We get each other. We just do. There’s still a bit of game there because that’s fun too and I will be sad when it’s over but that’s what happens. It’s great until it’s not and then it becomes work. Tonight, was great and didn’t feel like work. That’s what we are, FWB’s that are fun.

I’ve said this to him before, I think his part of the game is that he WANTS me to fall in love with him. Then he’s won and he’d be done. Funny though because he’s going to be waiting a very long time. I’ve just never been a girl who falls like that. We do have a special type of relationship though and it’s not actually definable. Yes, we’re friends but we’re more than that and less than lovers. I reminded him tonight that we’re allowed to do anything that we want in private and it not bleed into public consumption because it’s no one else’s business but our own. He’s never my only option but I like to chose him first right now.

Two of the best things tonight, the way he grabbed my face and kissed me with this powerful passion. I love that passion we have between us. I love that it builds up and up until we both just almost explode. The next thing, him, black pants and no shirt, barefoot. Seriously, THAT’S probably the image that I’ll fall asleep with in my mind.

On that note, I’m going to sleep now with happy thoughts about what I just did a few hours earlier and I’ll be happy for tonight. Enjoy your week, all of you. xXx

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Sexiness, Insecurities and Dreams…

My GBF and I spent last night texting back and forth about what we think is sexy about guys. His response was “Eyes, Hair, Veins, Personality and Sense of Humor”. I agreed with for the most part except “veins”. Really? But to each person sexy is much different.

So, I’m completely obsessed with Big Brother and it’s my ex’s (coworkers) fault. He got me into it years ago and I was hooked because it’s, to me, about watching humans interact and their game play and their mannerisms. This season there was this really sexy guy on the show until he started to be an asshole and I just wanted him booted off then. He was no longer eye candy because his attitude made him look disgusting to me.

When it comes to what’s actually sexy to me though my first answer was eyes. But obviously not just having them works for me. They have to look into my soul. That’s hard to find. Some guys look creepy when they’re trying to stare at you. That’s not what I want. After that, physically would be arms. I love a good arm. One that’s strong and I can picture caressing my face, pinning me down or wrapping around me oh and also slapping my ass. Hair, don’t really care about when it’s on their head or not. I’m not a fan of a hairy chest at all. I like smooth.

When it comes to their personality they have to have substance. This means they don’t talk about cars, money or chicks ALL THE TIME cause that’s a turnoff. Talk about life and dreams and cool shit. Challenge my way of thinking. Dig into your soul and tell me something beautiful. They have to make me laugh and I’m not easily humored. However, if they do make me laugh they’ll get a genuine laugh not a fake one.

Aside from those things I look for weird things. Maybe not weird but different. I think almost any man is at his sexiest wearing a white button down shirt, black pants and barefoot. No clue why that’s the sexiest but I’ve always loved that look. I think it’s sexy when a guy grazes the back of his fingers on my lips. The forehead on forehead thing will get me every time too. A man taking control but still in a sweet way. When a guy notices something that I would have bet money on that they wouldn’t or when he says something that I’ve said a while back I’m always happily surprised. When a guy sings even if he sounds terrible and also introduces me to new music…. Love that!

But with all that above said there’s still got to be something else. I’ve seen people that I thought were sexy and the littles thing changes my opinion. For instance, I used to think Matthew McConaughey was so sexy until I met him and he was just drunk and handsy and kinda gross. Never looked the same after that. That was pre-marriage and kids though.

I guess it just boils down to how they make me feel. I don’t know any human that feels sexy all the time. I mean, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. When I actually think I’m being sexy is when I usually fall down or spill something. There’s days I don’t think my hair, makeup, skin, body look great but on those days it’s a “fake it till you make it” situation. If a guy can make me feel sexy or wanted or desired then that’s reflected and then in return I will make them feel desired and sexy.

These are all the reasons I love my dreams because for some reason they’re either very spiritual and help me workout some sort of issue I’m having OR they are super vivid and sexual. I have the craziest dreams that leave me hot and bothered for hours after I’ve woken up. A lot of times they’ll continue for days or weeks. As soon as my head hits the pillow and I start to dream it just continues from the night before. It’s been pretty cool. On a good night I can control them. I learned this technique about how to access your dreams and since then they’re just like an awesome mini-series. Weird, I know.

Right now, I’m “working” and on a Rihanna kick and listening to her while sparsely dancing around while doing chores. It’s a strange day that started out with an early morning workout and drive around town. Then I just felt like coming home and writing for a minute. On that drive around town I’d heard one of the songs on my “sexy mix”. I have a favorites, workout and sexy playlist and they’re constantly being added to. But I’ll leave you with this song today and might write later if the mood hits me. Hope you’re having a great day.

Weekend happenings and weirdness…

My weekend was busy, very busy but didn’t have to be. I always have a lot of “maybe” plans. You know the ones that someone asks you to do something and you say “maybe” but only because you probably won’t. Well, this weekend I did almost all those maybe plans.

THE friend has been staying here since Wednesday last week. He left yesterday but it was a strange vibe. He’s been renting his place out on AirBnB and staying at his girlfriends place. However, they broke up. They just had their 2 year anniversary and they just broken up. I feel terrible for him because she has been the catalyst that he’s needed to get his life back on track and it’s been beautiful to watch it happen. But that puts me in the place of having company when I really just feel like being alone.

Most nights I’d gone out with friends for dinner or drinks or over to someone’s home to hang out because I felt like, “If I don’t get to be myself in my own space then I don’t want to be there.” What “myself” means is, I didn’t get to walk around without pants or watch my own shows much or just be my goofy self. It’s not that I can’t do those things around him but I didn’t want to. So I kind of just stayed away as much as possible.

Another thing that was strange is that I’ve always told the drummer that in my version of FWBs I don’t see other people. I’m only with one at a time because that’s just what I like. He never really commented on that and I never really knew what he thought, if anything, about my version of FWBs until the other night. I’d mentioned to the drummer that THE friend was staying on my couch and he replied while rolling his eyes, “I better not find out that you’ve been having sex with him and I’m not the only one”.

At first, I blew past that comment because we went into talking about something else but the more I think about it I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I’ve never lied to the drummer about anything, except that one time that I told him I don’t want love but I was lying to myself actually. I am a faithful FWBs though. Even if there were ANY feelings left for THE friend I WOULD NEVER do that. This all might have been another reason why I stayed away from my home the entire time also, because I felt like I had to…

This is weird for me. I literally have no feelings for THE friend and I felt like the drummer was accusing me of lying and cheating in the same breath. I then took a step back and just brushed off the whole thing as more weirdness and left it at that. That was until tonight. Tonight I actually felt bad that the drummer would even question me. I have been loyal and faithful and the one time that THE friend made a derogatory comment about the drummer I ripped in to him. I wasn’t going to have ANYONE say anything bad about the drummer. Just not happening. But then I realize that he (the drummer) still doesn’t know me that well yet. Also, don’t misconstrue my words. I don’t think the drummer was jealous. I think, in part, it was said in jest.

When we’re together (the drummer) he talks most of the time, which I’m fine with but as far as he’s concerned he just feels that chemistry. He doesn’t know my backstory. He doesn’t know the things I’ve done for him and I don’t want him to know all those things. You can’t just know someone immediately. But I feel like he should at least know that I’m honest and trustworthy. I care about him and I only want good things for him. I see this weird sadness in his eyes. I always have. I don’t see that sadness when we’re eye fucking each other but when he’s talking about life I do.

I have always gotten the impression that he’s had a lot of disloyalty around him and hurt and because of that I literally just want to see him happy. That’s all. No matter where that happiness takes him. I want him to realize that I am a great friend and that I will always be there if needed but that takes time. It will take him time to realize that I’m not going to hurt him. The “WB” part of us might not always be there if I find someone that I fall in love with but the “F” part will always be there.

I’m rambling now but moving on, the moment that THE friend left I immediately took my pants off and just layed on my couch and let out a sigh of relief. I got to have my home back.

I’m over the “over-thinking” above but found it interesting because if I can go 2 months without jumping into someone else’s bed then I have no issues not being attracted to someone that’s just using my yoga mat as a temporary bed for a few days.

THE friend did something extremely nice though. He bought tickets for us to go see a show in a month of a band that I really like. It’s payback for all the concerts that I’ve taken us to which is a very nice gesture. It’s also something to look forward to.

So basically my weekend was busy. Another weekend of working out, going out and the prior weekend I was able to pick up another private client so things are looking good right now. My boss is out all week so even though things will be busy I won’t have to worry about him bugging the crap out of me which is nice.

Since last Thursday I’ve been running off the drummer and my make-out session in the parking lot of the bar we went to but that’s almost made things worse cause that’s all I can think about and every time I do I just want to devour him. Oh, that chemistry… Wow. But also, some of the things he says, it’s all I need to “take care” of myself. I haven’t needed porn in a long time thanks to him but I will need sex soon or I’m going to explode.

I also need him to bite me and leave a mark soon. I don’t know why I like him to do that so much but truth here, I’ve never wanted anyone else to do that. There’s a lot of things that I only want him to do or that I only do for him. It’s a very weird, weird, relationship. I’m not sure I understand it and I’m not sure that I even want to understand it because that’s what makes it fun. I like having this unexplainable, secret, erotic ship with him. It’s exciting. He’s exciting.

Want I want though, I want a long night of music, intimacy and sex that isn’t rushed. I want us to be able to take our time with no limitations and just be able to be real and naked and vulnerable with each other. I don’t want to have to worry that one of us has to work in the morning or that someone has to be somewhere anytime soon. I’m not saying I want a sleepover I just want to feel free and connected for an evening. That sounds like the perfect night.

Of course, now that I’ve said that I won’t hear from him for weeks again. Blah, it is what it is… and on that note I hope you are all having a great week. xXx

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Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

The ups and downs of dating…

As ironic as this next statement will be for a blog about my “dating life” it’s true. I hate dating. I love meeting new people and getting to know them but when it comes to dating, I’m a mess. First, do you realize just how many “dates” I’ve been on and never even knew they were dates? Too many to count. Unless the guy is very specific and says, “Hey we’re going to go out on a date”. I just always assume it’s just dinner or drinks with a friend. At then end of the evening when the waiter asks if it’s on the same check I always say, “Uh, no mine is seperate.”

Most of this has to do with the fact that I hate innuendo. I need someone to be straight up and honest and say what he feels. I can read others when it has to do with others but the moment it has to do with me or my dating life I become completely stupid. I can’t really fault others for this because times have changed and people have changed and because I’m oblivious to things like feelings and emotions that someone else has for me, completely and totally oblivious. It’s a fault of mine I guess.

I remember one of the first real “dates” that I went on. I was 16 and he was a friend of my brothers and in college. I was in between high school boys so I thought I was the coolest. He had this night planned after he was going to pick me up at school. I was so nervous. I mean, I’d been with guys before but this was one of the first real actual dates with an older guy. This is also before I realized that having expectations was a dumb idea.

I’d gotten dressed up that morning in a great outfit. My makeup and hair were perfect (I thought) and I hadn’t eaten all day because I was so nervous. Then, after school I went to the front the wait for him and saw him driving up the wrong way in the pick up line and his car was smoking, like on fire. After he’d gotten the “fire” under control he took me to a very fancy restaurant where we had a decent conversation, where he kept ordering all this weird food and making me try a bite of everything.

After dinner he asked if we could go to one of his favorite spots. I said sure, I never had a curfew. At this point we just start driving… and driving… and driving. After what felt like forever we ended up at this tiny little house which sold antiques. It was weird but ok. We walked around this little store for a while then got back in the car and drove again forever. Then we end up at this overgrown field. He came to my side of the car, opened the door and took my hand. We started walking into this field and after walking about 10 minutes I looked at him and said, “Dude this is weird. If you’re going to kill me just get it over with.” He laughed except I’m not sure I was kidding.

When we were finally done walking we were at an abandoned airplane hangar. I was in very high heeled boots, a short suede skirt and a silk blouse and we were in an abandoned airplane hangar. WTF! Basically he’d taken me there to have wine in the middle of it and he told me the story as to why it meant so much to him and it was a sweet thought that he wanted me to go there with him. It was just a weird date to be one of my first.

After that there was a lot of older men that tried their hardest to do the normal dinner and a movie dates which I actually don’t like going to the movies. Then as I got older it was a lot of expensive restaurants, work dinners or charity galas. I’ve had some pretty amazing dates. But some of the most special ones are the outside of the box dates. I don’t like dinner and movie, I don’t even really like dinner that much. Going to a bar or a concert isn’t a great date, it’s a great hang but never a great date. It’s cheesy and shows no imagination.

I’m not even sure if I can remember the last actual date I’ve been on. I’m sure if I search this blog enough I’ll find it but I don’t like dating. I just want to find another human and be like, “Hey I can tolerate you for an extended period of time. Lets cohabitate a couple nights a week or every two weeks. Maybe every couple months take a weekend trip somewhere. Lets have fun and enjoy each other outside of this fucked up world we live in and not stress each other out. Lets have nights where we don’t even talk, but we listen to music or watch a movie at home with the lights out and just cuddle for a while. Let’s be each others escape for just a few hours a week.

We don’t have to announce it to anyone on face-snap-twit-gram so there’s no one to ruin our fun. Let’s just “be” with each other and embrace the time we spend together then go back to our own lives and if, after a couple years, we continue to not annoy each other maybe we can take it further. That’s what I want. I want easy, safe, fun, comfortable, blissful, no expectations, sexy, peaceful and enjoyable. It’s been so long since I’ve had that. I miss that. I do NOT look forward to being in the dating world at all. I’m not looking for someone to complete me but to compliment me. Is that so hard?

With all that being said and the fact that I’m feeling so stagnant in my world lately I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I still want to stay around Houston, I think but I went so far as to look for a small house on or close to the beach or a little closer to the city. I’m looking to be close enough to my clients to drive to them if needed but not close enough to get a text from my boss that says, “Put pants on, be there in five minutes”.

I looked into a small 2 or 3 bedroom house, townhome and condos. Haven’t really found anything I like yet but am actively looking or looking for something different anyway. I’m antsy. It might be the full moon or the retrograding planets or just the fact that I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I wonder if this feeling with ever go away?! I thought that writing again would help but it’s not, not really. I mean it’s making me remember things that I’d forgotten but sometimes it makes me lonely. It also could be that I just need sex. It’s times like this I wish that I was someone that could just jump into bed with anyone but that’s not me.

So now I’m officially just rambling. Hopefully I’ll be off to bed soon. Tomorrow is a day that I’ll be manifesting and setting my intentions for the full moon. Lets see if I can conjure up the man of my dreams. Hope you all had a great weekend. xXX

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Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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