Remember when I said that if I’m quiet on here it’s usually because my life is actually really great? So this sabbatical is because of that. I met two really great guys in the last month. One doesn’t live here and the other does but I’m not as attracted to him. Here’s the thing though. While I’ve been spending time with two really great guys, I’ve not slept with either one yet.
I’ve told you all before that I’m not quick to jump in bed with anyone. Even though it’s been a while since I have had sex I’m not rushing it with these two either. I mean I’m still getting to know them. We’re not “dating” but I guess you could say we’ve gone out on a few dates. I actually haven’t even kissed either of them yet.
The one from out of town I think I like the most and here’s why. I NEVER (ok almost) invite guys to my place. I always go to them because then I can leave when I want. Another thing that I never do is cook for them. So the one from out of town is coming back to town in two weeks and I think I’m going to let him stay with me AND cook for him. I don’t know why I want to but I do. I haven’t invited him yet but we’ll see how our conversations flow over the next week or so or if anything else happens with the other guy.
Why am I moving so slow with both of these when I could have literally already jumped into bed with either of them? Because that’s not me. I just don’t give it away freely. I also want to make sure these are both good guys and figure out which one I like more then end it with the other.
Both guys are friends of friends. Both are average to good looking. In town guy is taller with dark blonde hair and out of town guy is about 5ft 11in with dark hair. I’m going through specifics more for me at this point than you all. Sorry I just don’t know what I want. They are both exceptionally sweet. In town guy is almost too sweet though like he’s not actually being himself. I also don’t think that he’s very spontaneous. Whereas out of town guy seems pretty spontaneous and has more of a sarcastic side. That I like a lot.
Another reason I’m going super slow with both these two guys is that I know, just because I want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to jump at the first guy that’s interested in him and I in him. To also be honest with all of you, I’m not insanely attracted to either, like I don’t just want to rip their clothes off. That takes a lot. It’s also a bit sad that I think I’m more attracted to the out of town guy because he’s out of town. I really like my personal space. While I don’t mind a 24 hour run with someone I don’t need to see them all the time. I can handle seeing someone twice a week maybe with one over-night. I don’t know maybe I’ve just not met someone that rocked my world enough to want to be with them all the time. Is that a thing?
I know that this full moon is a big one. It’s supposed to bring about all these emotions and allow you to let go of things that no longer serve you. For me, it’s allowed me to let go of one-sided relationships and relationships where I’m treated as if I don’t matter. It’s also brought about this weird cleaning freak in me. It started with my obsessive need to find a new couch. I finally found my new couch which will get delivered next week and in the days before it does I’m cleansing my space. I’m donating, selling or throwing away a shitload of stuff and cleaning everything. I need to bring new energy in to myself and my home.
I recently saw a meme that said, “I’ve just realized that buying books and reading them are two completely different things.” While I laughed at that I do believe that pertains to me. I have so many books, cooking, homeopathic remedies, music, biographies, sex and money books that I have either already read or will never read. I have clothes that no longer fit, shoes that look terrible and stacks of paperwork that I have no use for anymore. They are all going away.
Almost everyone that comes in my home says that there’s a feeling of peace and calm in here and that’s probably why I get home guest that don’t leave for days but I pride myself on that and will get back to that soon. There’s some energy in here for sure and I need to keep it cleansed especially if I invite someone to come stay.
Wanna know a secret? After moving back to Houston after the hurricane I got a new bed and mattress. It’s been about a year and a half and my secret is… I’ve never had sex in my bed or on that mattress… That’s how sacred MY space is that I just don’t bring anyone back here. I don’t just let anyone here. I felt the need to say that outloud because I wanted to give you all an idea as to just how sacred I think my space is and how I’m not easily had.
Now, because of everything that’s been going on with me externally and internally I did ask advice from my Shaman… The first thing that was said is that this full moon is about to bring real love in my life BUT it might not be from either of my two new men. I don’t know what that means because I can’t really juggle another guy and keep self-caring at the same time. If that’s true and there is a third option then I would drop those two like hot potatoes (stupid phrase).
Sorry that I’m all over the place tonight but that’s what happens when I’ve been gone so long on my blog. I have too much to say and my thoughts are quicker than my fingers. I do feel my life is kind of like that too though right now. It’s all jumbled. Things are not perfect nor will they ever been but it appears that the people in my life are in different places than I am and I’m not really syncing with anyone right now, not even those two men. I’m out of sync.
I’m hoping that a good cleansing bath and yoga session tomorrow (later today) will do the trick but I thought that once most of my clients deadlines had past that I’d have more time and I wouldn’t be up till 2 am most nights. That is not the case. My mind is still swimming, as is an Aquarius mind most of the time. We live inside our heads more than out of them. I’ve not had a good cathartic cry lately and I probably need to over the people that are no longer in my life, the ones that I’m currently saying goodbye to and just the overall atmosphere of everything. I probably should have a breakdown soon but I just don’t feel it.
I had a friend give me some pill that’s supposed to knock me out tonight because of my noisy mind and we’ll see if that works. I do need the sleep because I can’t focus on anything. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my GBF’s sister, my ex and those two above a lot. But now that it’s turning cold I’m just loving this weather and need to get back to my nature walks. That’s usually meditative for me. I’ve also been staying completely sober lately to keep my head clean without distractions. It helps.
Well, it’s just after one in the morning. The bathroom is clean and organized and hopefully this pill knocks me out so I can tackle the bedroom, living room and office tomorrow. I have high expectations of myself. So, I hope you all are having a great weekend. Maybe the next time I post I’ll have made my decision and will be feeling a little bit more “myself”. Nite xXx