Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowingly entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time (words out of the guitarist mouth). bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.

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Freezing temps and freezing emotions…

This weekend was exactly what I needed. I thought I’d be staying in almost all weekend and enjoying the warmness of the inside all while knowing there would be a nice awesome chill outside. As an added bonus it snowed for about two minutes on Friday afternoon. It was nothing major but enough for me to remember why I missed snow.

Friday was a typical day at work. I came home and took a little nap then went out for a few hours. When I got home I started to get into a new TV show that my BFFs been telling me to watch for a while. Saturday was a little of the same thing. I worked for a little while, took a nap and then went out for a while and came home and watch some more of this new show.

I made sure to write in my gratitude journal every night. I made sure that the things I was grateful weren’t just the typical things. I tried to make notes of all the little things that happened throughout each day as well so I can look back and realize just how many blessings are in my life.

Then comes Sunday. I honestly thoughts I’d relax most of the day then have dinner with some friends at night. It didn’t exactly work out like that. I got up early and had my coffee. I then worked out for an hour and finished the “must do” items by working for a bit. Then around 1ish THE friend came over to re-watch Game of Thrones because there’s so much to miss in each episode.

I had no expectations and no plans of doing anything else. I was mentally writing the things I’m grateful for with him though. I am grateful that he scrubs the toilet. I am grateful that he cleaned his dishes tonight. I am grateful that he came over.

But with all the good, you know there’s bad as well. First, I’m trying to get health and for that to happen I can’t have crap food in my home. It’s always been a fear that if I didn’t keep it here that would be one less reason for him to come over because he usually eats it all. Today did nothing to stop those fears and he just seemed bored the majority of the time.

Another thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion, physical touching and words in general. He just seemed cold and distant. I hate that feeling because I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve that. He started a new job and I asked him how it was and he ignored the question so I left it alone. If I took away all the words that weren’t about the show we were watching we probably spent 5-10 words on each other.

When he’s seeing a new person he usually becomes distant like that. If that’s what going on then fine but I don’t know how much of this I can take before it ruins my mood. I’ve been doing so much better and I don’t want him or his lack of emotions or the fact that he’s got a new woman in his life to change things for us.

We really did use to have this really special friendship. I believe he described it as “unusually intimate and undefinable” before. I liked that version of us because the version we are now is just cold and boring. I don’t do cold and boring. That’s just not something that I want to invest my time in.

On a good day I get the impression that he holds back all these good or great emotions for me and that’s exciting even though I know that it’s a false hope type of situation. It at least makes things interesting but on a bad day I just feel like someone who THE friends just keeps an appointment with just in case he ever needs something important or when there’s an emergency. That’s not really a friend.

My version of a friend is something who texts you out of the blue with stupid things. A friend is someone that hugs you first before going to your fridge. A friend is someone that wants to have a conversation with you and doesn’t make you feel invisible.

In my world, Sunday’s are the worst days to do something with someone that you actually want to spend time with because one or both of you has to work the next day. So he keeps his Friday and Saturday nights free for new girls, other girls or better offers. That a pathetic thought. “How can I exert the least amount of energy to show her that I am a friend but don’t let it impede actually having fun”. I believe that’s his thought process.

I’m on the verge of tears here writing all this because I’ve not felt this bad for a while now and it’s not fair to me. When our mutual friend asks if THE friend and I have talked lately I’ve never felt like it was a lie to say no because we never talk and therefore not a lie. I could have a thousand friends make me feel great but he does or doesn’t do the littlest thing and it changes my mood entirely.

It’s painfully obvious that we are not real friends much less “unusually intimate and undefinable”. It’s a sad thing when you can see a relationship die right before your eyes. I’m sure since there was no stimulation for him here tonight that I won’t be seeing or hearing from him for a while. I hate this place we’ve in. Now that made me cry.

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June Challenge Day 6

Today has been a day of lots of rest. Feeling bad enough to stay home during a tumultuous time at work is probably a horrible decision and one I’ll pay for during the rest of the week, but it was needed I guess. Not only am I feeling physically bad, it’s also mental or emotional or both. These are the times when having someone by my side to MAKE me tell them what’s wrong would probably be the best thing but I do not.

Some days, I feel like I’m a million miles away with no hope of coming back. Today is one of those days. Part of this came about because of yesterdays “forgive yourself” thing and while I’ve forgiven myself for my ex that passed away I’m just now realizing that I miss that type of relationship. I miss the sweet drunk texts. I miss the random show ups. I miss the cuddling, not that I let him do that much. I miss knowing that I could call up someone at any time and he’d have come over for no real reason what-so-ever. I miss spending money on someone that I call something other than just a friend. I miss the kissing… Oh, I miss the kissing the most, even over the other stuff sometimes. So, I guess I’m just sad right now. Blah, so over “girl brain” right now. So I’ll just jump right into today’s challenges.

1. Exercise – kind of. While I still got a very very slow 30 minutes in today I did not push myself at all.

2. Water – Yes, it’s all I’ve had today.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about one thing that you feel you are really good at and why? I’m an exceptional problem solver when it comes to everyone else problems but my own. It is so important to me that people in my life have good lives and I try to think of all the ways that can happen. Sometimes it means that I give a bit too much of myself and on most days I don’t mind. These last couple days; however, I’ve been feeling a bit ‘taken for a ride’ and I hope that will pass at some point. All I can do is pray and try to not let other peoples truths bother me.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What in nature are you grateful for? When the weather is just right, there are no mosquitoes and I’m feeling stronger there’s a path by my home that I like to walk. There’s a stream next to it (I’m going to call it a stream). There’s flowers and trees and dogs and squirrels. It’s probably one of the most therapeutic walks that I take. So, I guess I like most things about nature. Some days it seems like I can’t be away from my lipstick or my hot iron but I like my walks, camping or hiking. Everything about nature is awesome, so far.

5. 30 Day Challenge – What animal would you love to have as a pet? A dog. I love dogs. They really are a person’s best friend. I’m just not sure I’m ready yet for another pet. As mush as it would probably help me right now, I’m just not home enough and that’s unfair.

That’s as much as I can articulate today. Hope you’re having a great week.

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