Current Happenings and a slow Saturday night…

Remember when I said that if I’m quiet on here it’s usually because my life is actually really great? So this sabbatical is because of that. I met two really great guys in the last month. One doesn’t live here and the other does but I’m not as attracted to him. Here’s the thing though. While I’ve been spending time with two really great guys, I’ve not slept with either one yet.

I’ve told you all before that I’m not quick to jump in bed with anyone. Even though it’s been a while since I have had sex I’m not rushing it with these two either. I mean I’m still getting to know them. We’re not “dating” but I guess you could say we’ve gone out on a few dates. I actually haven’t even kissed either of them yet.

The one from out of town I think I like the most and here’s why. I NEVER (ok almost) invite guys to my place. I always go to them because then I can leave when I want. Another thing that I never do is cook for them. So the one from out of town is coming back to town in two weeks and I think I’m going to let him stay with me AND cook for him. I don’t know why I want to but I do. I haven’t invited him yet but we’ll see how our conversations flow over the next week or so or if anything else happens with the other guy.

Why am I moving so slow with both of these when I could have literally already jumped into bed with either of them? Because that’s not me. I just don’t give it away freely. I also want to make sure these are both good guys and figure out which one I like more then end it with the other.

Both guys are friends of friends. Both are average to good looking. In town guy is taller with dark blonde hair and out of town guy is about 5ft 11in with dark hair. I’m going through specifics more for me at this point than you all. Sorry I just don’t know what I want. They are both exceptionally sweet. In town guy is almost too sweet though like he’s not actually being himself. I also don’t think that he’s very spontaneous. Whereas out of town guy seems pretty spontaneous and has more of a sarcastic side. That I like a lot.

Another reason I’m going super slow with both these two guys is that I know, just because I want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to jump at the first guy that’s interested in him and I in him. To also be honest with all of you, I’m not insanely attracted to either, like I don’t just want to rip their clothes off. That takes a lot. It’s also a bit sad that I think I’m more attracted to the out of town guy because he’s out of town. I really like my personal space. While I don’t mind a 24 hour run with someone I don’t need to see them all the time. I can handle seeing someone twice a week maybe with one over-night. I don’t know maybe I’ve just not met someone that rocked my world enough to want to be with them all the time. Is that a thing?

I know that this full moon is a big one. It’s supposed to bring about all these emotions and allow you to let go of things that no longer serve you. For me, it’s allowed me to let go of one-sided relationships and relationships where I’m treated as if I don’t matter. It’s also brought about this weird cleaning freak in me. It started with my obsessive need to find a new couch. I finally found my new couch which will get delivered next week and in the days before it does I’m cleansing my space. I’m donating, selling or throwing away a shitload of stuff and cleaning everything. I need to bring new energy in to myself and my home.

I recently saw a meme that said, “I’ve just realized that buying books and reading them are two completely different things.” While I laughed at that I do believe that pertains to me. I have so many books, cooking, homeopathic remedies, music, biographies, sex and money books that I have either already read or will never read. I have clothes that no longer fit, shoes that look terrible and stacks of paperwork that I have no use for anymore. They are all going away.

Almost everyone that comes in my home says that there’s a feeling of peace and calm in here and that’s probably why I get home guest that don’t leave for days but I pride myself on that and will get back to that soon. There’s some energy in here for sure and I need to keep it cleansed especially if I invite someone to come stay.

Wanna know a secret? After moving back to Houston after the hurricane I got a new bed and mattress. It’s been about a year and a half and my secret is… I’ve never had sex in my bed or on that mattress… That’s how sacred MY space is that I just don’t bring anyone back here. I don’t just let anyone here. I felt the need to say that outloud because I wanted to give you all an idea as to just how sacred I think my space is and how I’m not easily had.

Now, because of everything that’s been going on with me externally and internally I did ask advice from my Shaman… The first thing that was said is that this full moon is about to bring real love in my life BUT it might not be from either of my two new men. I don’t know what that means because I can’t really juggle another guy and keep self-caring at the same time. If that’s true and there is a third option then I would drop those two like hot potatoes (stupid phrase).

Sorry that I’m all over the place tonight but that’s what happens when I’ve been gone so long on my blog. I have too much to say and my thoughts are quicker than my fingers. I do feel my life is kind of like that too though right now. It’s all jumbled. Things are not perfect nor will they ever been but it appears that the people in my life are in different places than I am and I’m not really syncing with anyone right now, not even those two men. I’m out of sync.

I’m hoping that a good cleansing bath and yoga session tomorrow (later today) will do the trick but I thought that once most of my clients deadlines had past that I’d have more time and I wouldn’t be up till 2 am most nights. That is not the case. My mind is still swimming, as is an Aquarius mind most of the time. We live inside our heads more than out of them. I’ve not had a good cathartic cry lately and I probably need to over the people that are no longer in my life, the ones that I’m currently saying goodbye to and just the overall atmosphere of everything. I probably should have a breakdown soon but I just don’t feel it.

I had a friend give me some pill that’s supposed to knock me out tonight because of my noisy mind and we’ll see if that works. I do need the sleep because I can’t focus on anything. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my GBF’s sister, my ex and those two above a lot. But now that it’s turning cold I’m just loving this weather and need to get back to my nature walks. That’s usually meditative for me. I’ve also been staying completely sober lately to keep my head clean without distractions. It helps.

Well, it’s just after one in the morning. The bathroom is clean and organized and hopefully this pill knocks me out so I can tackle the bedroom, living room and office tomorrow. I have high expectations of myself. So, I hope you all are having a great weekend. Maybe the next time I post I’ll have made my decision and will be feeling a little bit more “myself”. Nite xXx

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Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Rainy, metal ballet and other thoughts…

Well, Houston, we have a problem. Again. The last couple days have been water weighted and weird. This city was under water today, again. While my heart goes out to anyone that has lost anything in this flood I have a strange fondness for Natural Disaster movies and it kind of felt like one today.

I’ve had a discussion several times with one of my best friends and my brother about why those movies are so fascinating to me. My opinion is the coming together of everyone in those movies. I think that’s my reason. I don’t know what theirs is.

So most of my morning was texting people back letting them know that I was ok and where I lived wasn’t flooding much. After that my power flickered throughout the day so I decided to take the day off. I unintentionally fell into a YouTube hole. I got lost in metal ballet. I watched hours worth of ballet to metal music. I realized just how much I love contrast.

I’ve said before I’m leather and lace, velvet and blades but truth is I really am. I like the ying and yang in life, the beauty and the beast, the hot and the cold. I absolutely LOVE orchestral music in metal songs. I love violin in metal songs. I like my formal dress with combat heeled boots. I like my blonde hair with my gothic lip or eyes.

My mom always said I was the darkest, most uncheery cheerleader she’d ever known and that’s the truth. I’d cheer with my pompoms during the week and when the weekend came around I would be goth from head to toe and dancing at a local club here usually high on something. I don’t regret any of that. I’ve always been like that. I like soft and rough.

I certainly have my dark side which to some seems more like a Halloween version of myself but to me it’s a daily thing. I’d always said if I’d ever gotten married I’d want to be in a black dress with a tiny bit of white and a lot more red. Not because it would be a dark day but because that’s part of who I am. I like the macabre. I like the interestingly dark. I like metal and industrial with a side of soft and soothing.

Now, with all that said, I like the light. I love sunsets and silk and cups of tea and acoustic songs and dressing up in my work attire and acting like a girl that likes talking with the boys. I like flirting and makeup and high heeled boots and short skirts and winged liner and expensive perfume. I like candles and incense and bubble baths and vanilla everything.

Some days I am 100% sure of who I am and some days I’m not. I am, as most of us are, a contradiction. I know from the quality of the men in my life that I am a pretty awesome person. I know by the quality of my friends that I am a pretty awesome person. What I have trouble with is when I come across a man that I want that doesn’t feel the same as I do or vice versa. Then today, I had an ah-ha moment.

I’d fallen down the rabbit hole of youtube videos and my mind drifted off into what it was about this last dude that I just couldn’t be with. I think that I realized he was, to me, one dimensional. I can’t handle a one dimensional man. He’s the type of man that listens to one genre of music and watches the “it” shows on TV and doesn’t go out of his comfort zone.

For some reason I’m reminded of a funny story. My crazy friend and I were driving around town shopping one evening when she dropped a bomb on me. She told me this insane lie that someone had told about me. If you care to scroll I think I told this story last year but I’ll sum up. So, her Mister had a band. This is the same band that the drummer was in. Their guitarist had gotten in trouble for some shit with his wife and to get himself out of trouble he’d told his wife that my crazy friend AND I were sleeping with her Mister.

There’s so many things wrong with this story aside from the fact that it’s just disgusting to me to think about her Mister like that. BUT, the night she told me that she said she’d heard it from another friend of ours. So not only was this lie out in the world but my friends heard it… Fuck that. I was so so pissed because at the time I had been keeping so many secrets and had been a good friend to people and I was just livid.

My outlet, that night, was to listen to some hard core metal in the car. I knew my crazy friend hated that music but it was kind of her fault all this was happening so I didn’t care. After an hour or so she’d asked if she could plug in her phone to charge it and I replied, “Fine but I need to hear some hard shit cause I’m pissed”. She went through her phone and found the hardest music she had… Black Eyed Peas. Not kidding about that.

We all have different tastes and I can handle that. I don’t expect anyone else to like the exact same things as I do. However, do I think that listening to Disturbed and then to Enigma is a huge stretch… No. I don’t.

It’s not that I assign every single guy I’m dating, about to date or dated a strict set of musical guidelines but there is something to be said about someone’s musical tastes. Of course I consider other things. I ask other questions but it all boils down to a feeling and a lot of times, for me, that feelings comes from song. I really can describe all of the men that have come in and out or are still in my life through either a song, a band or a genera.

As I said, there are other things I look at. Literally, their eyes. I need to be able to look at their soul through their eyes and feel like they’re doing the same thing. Most people look away after you’ve looked in their eyes for a while. I do that to everyone though. Just to see their reaction. I like to see how long they can keep eye contact. Most of the time, if you ask them a question and they either feel uncomfortable about answering or they’re lying they’ll look away then. I do like to see if I can make someone uncomfortable though. Is that wrong?

I’m in a weird mood tonight. I’m happy and giddy but for no reason what-so-ever. I think I enjoyed my trip around the city tonight and my relaxing day off work. I’m sure tomorrow will be busy but then it’s the weekend and I get to do whatever the hell I want. Not that I don’t do that anyway.

I also wanted to answer some questions that came in. Most of these were asked more than once so that’s where I’ll start:

  1. You said THE friend and his gf broke up… What does that mean for you? Uh, nothing. I explained in several previous posts that I was never truly in love with him. We are friends. ONLY friends. Not FWB’s. I only want a platonic relationship from him.
  2. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like you really want to date anyone. Do you? Actually, yes. I have for a long time. Years ago I wanted to be in a relationship because I was lonely. That’s changed. I love my alone time and I like being single but I truly want to find someone to share my world with. Not all the time. Maybe once a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I don’t want to be in a life sucking relationship that a lot of people I know are in. I want something that makes us both grow equally together. I want to be a blessing not a bother in someone else’s life. I want equal parts laughter, music, happy, beauty, peace, excitement, passion, friendship, growth, dark and light. I want the ying to my yang or vice versa which ever is the female version of that.
  3. You haven’t talked about the drummer in a while… ? He’s not been around for a while. I miss him but I can never get comfortable with him because I expect he’s either gone back or will go back to his wife or he’s off being single. In truth there’s not a whole lot about him that I didn’t like. However, I’ve always known that he has never truly appreciated me like he should, even just as a friend. I know that it’s a bad thing when I just don’t expect to hear from him and I’m ok with that. I think he’s treated ME poorly as a friend but I still think he’s a good person. I’ve spent several months of this year going to see him, doing what he wanted and making sure HE was happy. That was never reciprocated. But maybe his chapter in my book is over. No regrets.

… and weirdly those have been the most asked questions lately. Now it’s off to watch some crap TV for a couple hours before I slide into bed to have some great dreams. Nite xXx…

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Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Dates, selfishness and my current world…

There’s actually been a lot of stuff that’s happened over the last week but I’ll start with my today. I actually went on a date. Now, I kind of cheated since I asked that it be an afternoon date so there would be no question about the “after dinner hook-up” but it was really nice.

A few weeks ago I’d gone to my dad’s best friend’s son’s bar and while we were there having a drink his friend showed up. He’s very attractive and seemed really sweet. The day after we’d met he Facebooked me. I have never actually accepted his friend request but I did start chatting with him on messenger. He’d asked a few times if I’d like to go out but said he wasn’t sure because I didn’t seem that interested to talk to him on messenger and I replied that I hate social media and I hate texting. People always misconstrue conversations. Men always read women’s texts in their “bitchy women’s voice” and women always read men’s texts in “stupid caveman voice”. I’d told him I was interested to have a conversation in person.

We went and met at a nice wine bar that a friend of mine used to play acoustic sets at but I hadn’t been there for years. I had told him that I had plans this evening so I couldn’t be out too long and while that’s true, my plans were to come home and pamper myself on my Saturday night. We had a great conversation for over three hours. I actually really like him.

Even though I’d said we would both be completely casual he showed up in a nice shirt and jeans. Not my favorite outfit, you all know that the white button down shirt and black pants is my favorite, but he looked nice. His hair is  long, but not too long and he’s got just the perfect amount of facial hair… I do love facial hair on a man. I’ve always found jewelry on a man sexy too and he had on this really nice chain with something on it. I actually didn’t ask what it was. Maybe next time.

He’d actually made it there before me and when I got there gave me a really nice hug. He’d asked what I wanted to drink and ordered for me which I like. Then we just chatted. We actually chatted about all kinds of things. He’s actually a little younger than I am and I was older than he thought I was. Neither of us were bothered by our ages though.

There was just the right amount of eye contact and light grazes with the fingers and all that stuff. The good thing here is that I was actually totally ok with him touching me. Usually, especially if I don’t know a man well, I’m thinking, “Get your fucking hands off me”. I’m very peculiar about human touching. He, also, genuinely, made me laugh a few times. That scores points.

A few other good points:

  • I am a human bullshit meter and it actually didn’t go off on him except for once. He had actually lied about something very personal but instead of calling him out on it I let it go. Everything else he said was actually pretty honest.
  • Openly admitted how long it had been since he’d had sex and wow. I am so absolutely in like with this guy even more for being THAT honest and telling me why also. Most guy brag about all their women but he wasn’t like that.
  • He gave genuine compliments knowing that they wouldn’t lead to anything afterwards. He already knew there was going to be no intimacy.
  • He was also very into what I was saying. He’d noticed that after I’d start telling a story that I’d just stop and summarize it to get it over with and he’d asked me not to do that. I told him I was just used to the people around me monopolizing the evening with their stories and just never really cared to finish mine.
  • One thing you might not know about me is that I’m a weird bit of a germaphobe. I can’t stand to have people drink something that I’m drinking (from my glass) and if they do I’d just give it to them. I’m very particular about shit like that. He’d asked if I wanted to try his wine and I actually did. I was comfortable there too.
  • He likes music but not nearly close to how much I LOVE music but that’s ok.

So those were the points that stood out to me. It’s not like I have a mental checklist or anything, but I just remember all those things. I was honest with him about what I’m looking for in a relationship and while he appreciated it I think he wants something deeper and quicker than me. Well, that’s not fair to say, I’ve said before that I actually want to be in a relationship but it usually takes me a while to warm up to someone.

While I’d give him 7 out of 10 and our date a 6.5 I’m a tough grader and there’s a massive curve. He does fit several of the things that I’ve put in my intention setting jar for a guy that I want a relationship with. He’s already said that he’d want to see me a couple times a week which is nice. He wants to take me, next weekend, to this really fancy restaurant that I’ve been dying to go since it opened but I did explain to him I’m not looking for someone to buy me extravagant things, dinners or trips anywhere. I’m a firm believer in paying my own way and just because he’s the man it doesn’t mean he always has to pay but he’s actually a real gentleman. I’ve not come across one of those for far too long.

One thing that I see as a difference is that he is very Catholic. I’m used to that, most of my ex’s are Catholic but he’s actually a practicing one. I’ve explained before that it’s not that I’m not a believer but I’m more spiritual and I have such a different belief system than someone like him.

It was just a far different conversation than I had last weekend with my friend at the bar who told me that I was a natural born witch and I don’t mean in the bitch sense. But that brings me to the fact that my friend from last weekend, well, I was actually wrong and yes he was hitting on me. Even though he is in love with his girlfriend I think he can see the writing on the wall and was “making future arrangements” with me in case it didn’t work out. That brought out a whole new conversation that he and I had which was that I was not and never going to be a placeholder for his next relationship or anyone else’s.

I’m not a placeholder. I’m not a layover and I’m not a crash test dummy to come back to when shit doesn’t work out with someone else. I know that I’ve put myself in these situations because I’ve been so against exclusive relationships in the past but no more. I’ve past up way too many men who wanted me to be their final destination except not in a creepy bad horror movie way but a romantic way and I’m just sick of being a stand in. I’m not the mistress… I’m not the whore… I’m not anything but a priority. Period.

Yes, those passive aggressive statements are being made out loud for the first time since I got some really tacky news from a friend on Facebook about my current, no longer, FWB. While I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt what our mutual friend said was just too much for me to sweep under the rug. It’s possible that he might realize one day that what he’s done to me is shitty but if he never figures it out then he is just as bad as our mutual friend said, AND I still stuck up for him all over again and just waited until now, on here to say anything to anyone. I just fucking hate being lied to, manipulated and treated like shit by selfish people.

That brings me to my “selfish part” of this post. In the last few weeks everyone’s selfishness has just been amplified. I don’t know if this is why I’m so far the opposite or what but I just can’t take it anymore. That’s probably part of the reason that I found this guy today so nice because he’s so different than the people around me lately. I just don’t really remember the last time that I was treated as equally as kind as I’ve treated someone else.

I’m tired of going out of my way, going where they want to go, driving to them. I’m tired of not being able to get a sentence out before I’m interrupted. I’m tired of my evening being ruined by their selfishness. I’m tired of not getting my own happy because I’m too busy making sure they get their happy…. Done. Even when I say I’m going to be more selfish I can’t make it work because I interact with the most selfish people I’ve ever known. I can’t remember before this afternoon when the last time someone asked me “How are you?” and not only wanted me to answer but actually wanted the truth.

Apparently the kinder I become the more I attract the assholes that don’t deserve my kindness yet it’s happening all day, everyday. This is why I go MIA for days at a time. I need to reboot from the people around me. They always come back wondering where I’ve gone, why am I not around, they miss me. No, they don’t miss ME. They miss what I can do for them or how I treat them. Well, fuck that. It actually takes someone who’s pretty great to see what I’ve been missing. There’s my lesson in life I guess.

I don’t know when I’ll see him again, new guy, because here’s the fuck up thing about me… I’ve never healed from my childhood trauma so in the back of my mind all I can think is, “I’m not good enough for this guy”. See my fucked up logic? But I know that I’m pretty fucking awesome and I know what I deserve and I deserve to be treated well, respected and appreciated. I don’t expect to be treated like a princess even though I’m called a princess a lot but I deserve a whole lot better than what I allow myself.

The last thing that this new guy did, which is huge in my book, he wants me to hang out with him and a friend of his that’s coming to town in a couple weeks. If a guy wants you to meet his best friend, it’s kind of a big deal. I think that’s a bit too fast since we’ve known each other less than a month BUT it’s a big deal and I get that. Hell, there’s been guys that have asked me to marry them and I never introduced them to my best friend, mostly because I knew she’d think they weren’t good enough for me which is why she’s my best friend and why I miss the hell out of her.

The only guy that my best friend actually met was THE friend but that wasn’t even because of me. My brother threw me a surprise birthday party a couple years ago and he’d invited both of them to the party but that’s a whole other story.

So the last thing I’ll say tonight is that as much as I like hearing someone’s history and their backstories I also have a weird need to hear the really crazy fucked up shit they’ve done. That’s people’s truths. I mean, what weird shit do they do when no one is looking? For instance, I could stare at my pores in a magnifying mirror for hours while I pluck my eyebrows to perfection. I walk in place while I brush my teeth to get in extra steps. I have literally lied on my couch and stared at the ceiling and listened to music for hours while my phone is on airplane mode. These are quirks. For some reason I’m obsessed with knowing people’s weird quirks.

… and on that note I’m done for now. It was a good day, a strange week and slightly upsetting month already but then again, September has never been a good month for me. I hope you’re weekend is amazing. Nite xXx

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My Friday Night at 4 am on Saturday…

I am completely sober, home and writing at 4 am after getting home about an hour ago. This was long enough for me to take my pants off, eat an egg for dinner and try not to peel my sunburned skin off. I’ve had a good night, a strange night. I finally got to spend some time with my friend who freaked out a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t all weird and sad.

We’d had plans to go see the drummer at a show except I got the dates mixed up. We went ahead and decided to drive almost to the beach to one of my clients and watch a show there. Most of the drive there was him talking about things going on in his world. He’d “kind of” made up with his girlfriend and is just taking things day by day which is great for him. By the time we’d gotten to the bar I thought he’d have been talked out but he wasn’t.

We sat at the bar and for some reason lots of people wanted to come up and just start talking to us. These are all people that neither of us knew but we played along anyway. At one point there was this woman and her mother-in-law who were there celebrating the woman’s husbands birthday. The younger lady (who is actually my age) started getting very close, close talking, very touchy-feely and I kept trying to back up but my friend was behind me and I wasn’t trying to back up into him either.

This lady and her mother-in-law just kept coming back and each time they were a bit more friendly and toward the end of the evening the woman my age convinced me to go dance which I hadn’t done all night because my friend isn’t a dancer.

The band was good but I hadn’t really looked at the band members till I was up there dancing and one of the singers/keyboardist was actually really really attractive. At one point during one of the songs he’d jumped off stage and came and put his arm around me and the mic up to my mouth… Apparently he thought I could sing. He actually left both his arm and the mic on me for a bit longer than he should have.

After the band stopped he tried to get my attention twice but I just went back to my friend and we left soon after that. I did a little stalking when I was on the way home and turns out that hot singer is a model and thankfully lives in another city than I do. However, he did message me and asked if I was the beautiful green eyed girl that sang with him tonight. I have no responded yet and probably won’t but damn he’s sexy and also probably in his twenties. I have no time for that.

It’s weird though. I was really looking forward to seeing the drummer tonight and the whole time I was watching this other band I felt like I was cheating on him. However, I was watching with intent. I kept thinking “Oh I like how they did that.” Or “My man does THAT better.” It was like I was taking notes instead of actually enjoying the music which is stupid because the drummer and I aren’t like that. I’m not his and he’s not mine and I feel even more disconnected to him than I have in a long time.

I feel like he’s going through something right now. I don’t know if that’s true at all but I just really get the feeling like there’s some heavy shit he’s dealing with and maybe that’s why we’ve not seen each other for a couple weeks. I want to reach out and ask if everything is ok and tell him I am here if he needs to talk except we’re not like that. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that we’re better friends than we actually are. I have fooled myself into thinking that the loyalty and the support that I have for him is returned.

It’s weird because he felt a connection between us before I did but I think I felt a friendship before he did. If that makes any sense. Now, anything bad that happens to me he’s certainly not the person I reach out to and for some reason I’m hurt that I’m not his when he’s got much closer friends and family than me. It’s completely illogical but I understand that it is and just move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be “those people” to each other. I’m not even sure that we’ll ever be anything more than an occasional distraction for each other and if that is the truth then that’s a bit sad to me. I have always wanted a deeper friendship with him and I don’t know why that is so important to me.

He’d asked me a week ago if I wanted to meet him and a friend of his at the same bar I went to tonight and since I was going out and doing stuff in the city I had agreed but then never actually heard from him again that night. When I’d asked him about it the next day it was as if he’d just totally forgotten and he wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he’d forgotten which I was actually a bit bother by. But like most things I acknowledged my feelings and then moved on. I realized that I was disappointed that I’d not gotten to see him and that he’d, well, forgotten me. Which he did. But again, if only one of you is actually bothered by something then I guess it was never that important.

I met a gorgeous musician tonight and all I can write about is the drummer… I get that. I had a great time with my friend tonight and all I can write about is the drummer. This is just annoying to me. I really do feel this absolute loyalty to him and I don’t understand that. I’ve said before but anyone talks shit about him and I’m jumping down their throats. I’ve told more clients about him and his amazing talent and even strangers. I found myself handing out a few of his business cards that I’d gotten from him at the last show because I’m so proud of him. That’s fucking weird.

I just don’t understand myself sometimes. Tonight on the way home I guess it was my time to talk. You all are going to think I’m even more weird than before but my friend that I went and hung out with tonight can see auras. He can look at almost any person and see what’s going on in their lives, if they are a good person and how they’re feeling. It’s a gift. He’s like part Cherokee Indian or something and while I’ve always known he could do this he and I have never really talked about it before tonight.

I, all of a sudden, asked can you tell by someone aura if they are in love. How many of you eye rolled just then? I think I made myself eyeroll. He said he could. Then he went around the room of this bar and picked out a few people and explained their auras to me. I, then, just said “What does mine tell you?” He chuckled and said “Mostly that you’ve confused and not happy but there’s some weird comfort there too”. He delved a bit more into detail and without me going into detail he just said, “Love isn’t confusing. You are not in love but you are loved immensely. But the love you’re questioning is distorted.”

On the car ride home I asked him what he meant by “distorted”. He went into this crazy detail about stuff but then said, “… at the end of the day. If you and I were together and even if it was just before the ‘falling in love’ I’d want to see you every day. I’d want to talk to you every day. I’d want to know that you are ok, today and every day. If it’s not that it’s not the love you deserve. You will never feel good enough to be loved but you are more than you’ll ever know. You just have to be open to getting hurt in order to be open to receiving love”.

No, he’s not sending me messages. My friend is not in love with me. We are just really great friends and he’s completely in love with his girlfriend plus I don’t feel like that with him and never have. What I do know is that he asked me to open myself up to the possibilities of love and if things don’t go right then he promised he’d be there to pick up the pieces if I needed. If nothing else he made me feel like I could try and be ok if things didn’t work out. Top that off with what my Shaman friend sent me even after I’d asked her not to then I might actually believe that love is about to enter my life like it hasn’t before. But again, these are the moments that I have no expectations so there’s no disappointment.

Now, it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have nothing else planned this long weekend except sleep. I need sleep. So on that note, hope you all have an amazing weekend. xXx

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