Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.

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Feelings like home… or not.

I’ve had a bad couple of days. The only comfort has been in my home, alone. Moving from the bed to the couch in amazing amounts of pain but doing it so I at least felt as though I was somewhat productive. The new guy asked if he could come over and I declined. I declined to not only let him in my home but also to let him know that I’m not having a great week.

There’s few things that mean comfort to me and he’s not one of them yet. I also feel as though my home is my sanctuary away from being someone that maybe I don’t feel like being right now. Truth is, I want to feel bad in my own home without pants and sleep on the couch with a movie that I’ve seen 20 times on in the background. He’s not allowed to see that. Not right now.

He’s been honest with me about the days he doesn’t feel well and I appreciate that. You all know how I feel about honesty. It is by far one of the most sexiest things for a guy to be. But also, I guess, it excuses behavior as well. He feels as if he doesn’t get right back to me I need some sort of explanation but I don’t.

I’ve tried to explain to him that if we choose to date, he’ll soon realize that I’m not a “normal” girl. I don’t have to see someone all the time nor do I need constant positive reinforcement that we’re ok. I’m not that needy, it’s in my sign. But I do know that his sign requires a bit more attentiveness on my part and I may be willing to do that the more comfortable I get with him. I’m just not there right now.

He left today for California for a week. I feel a little relieved. That’s probably not good but I want him to do his own thing and not have to have each weekend where we’re together. I don’t know, I guess I should allow myself to go a little “girl brain” but right now I just need to make it through the week without having a breakdown.

My friend the Shaman called the other day and asked me to come by. When I did she had some interesting things to say to me. She knew about the new guy but her concern was more on THE friend. I tried to explain to her that that entire thing is a mute point since I don’t even see any love being reciprocated at this point and I’m done trying to love a brick wall covered by a barbed wire fence. She had some other thoughts about it all though and again, I just brushed them all off because I’ve done everything that I can and without any words back anything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears, or blind eyes.

The sad fact is that I would do anything for THE friend if he’d asked. I would be whatever he wanted and be where he needed. Yet it’s so painfully obvious that he doesn’t need or want me in him life. It shouldn’t hurt since there is someone that does want all those things and more but it does. It hurts that I’ve tried more than I’ve ever tried with anyone to fix things. It hurts that his actions are so emotionless. He’s so emotionless. I’ve not hurt him. I’ve defended him when needed and ignored things that I probably shouldn’t have all for the sake of this friendship and it feels like its dying. If you care for something you fight for it. But if the other person has already left the ring there’s no point.

I am physically and emotionally drained and in pain so that’s all my thoughts this evening. I’m going to just go into the darkness somewhere and have weird dreams that are strangely comforting right now. Apparently it’s the only place that THE friend and I are ok maybe even great with each other. I wish I was strong enough to believe in my dreams right now because I still love him immensely.

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Early weekend posting, just some thoughts…

For some reason I had the desire to write something in the middle of my Saturday. It’s going to be a busy weekend. There’s three festivals that are going on and I’m going to all plus it should be a late night and I’m looking forward to each and every single bit of it. There will be lots of things to do, lots of places to go and lots of friends to see.

Whiling planning my weekend I was still a bit upset over the happenings of what happened the other day with THE friend until I realized something. I’d still not gotten a reply to my emotional heartfelt text I’d sent but about 12 minutes after I’d sent that his conversation was so far down on my texts because so many others had sent messages about getting together, having dinner, making plans or just to see what was up and how my day was going, that I didn’t even see it any longer. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about it but still realizing that I was giving it way more thought that he was so what’s the point.

Then, after just having complained that all he does is come over eat my food and ignore me, I see his shopping list for me. Um, no. So let me get this straight… You couldn’t care less to text me back. You ate my last of everything that I like to eat. You don’t want to do anything but stair at my TV or computer. You never want to do anything fun, keep any promise you’ve said to me or even consider me enough of a friend to have a fucking conversation with…. After what I’ve done and keep doing. Are you serious?

So it literally comes down to this. He’d rather spend time with others making some sort of social media memories but when it comes to this friendship he treats it the absolute worst that I’ve ever been treated and then he still expects me to buy his groceries, keep him fed and I’m the only one that’s remotely bothered, upset or emotional about it.

It is official. I have finally reached my limit. I have finally realized that this one sided friendship does absolutely nothing for me any longer. I’ve never been as honest with another human being as I have with him. I’ve never been as forgiving and kind with another human being as him and for some stupid reason I’ve assumed that his lack of care and concern for me was because I actually didn’t do enough. I’d taken his feelings into consideration so many times and thought them more important than my own thinking, at some point, things would change. I’d excused his actions away so many times but it just hit me like a brick that he treats everyone else better than he does me. That’s is a maddening fact to actually start to realize and yes it’s hurtful. When I think about it too much I feel like my heart is being ripped open or stabbed.

I’m sure I need to asked my therapist why this was so important to me to believe that there was a point to this and that I wasn’t just done with it all so long ago when I realized that this meant nothing to him. I’m still not a person who believes it’s ok to speak badly about someone to our mutual friends and if they ever ask about him I will still give them all the same answer, “I don’t know. You’d know more than I would”.

We’ll be done, he’ll get to walk away from this relationship that he treats so poorly with a cash bonus of anything that I’ve ever done and he’s never paid back and he’ll have his once a month appointment open again to go find some other woman that he can treat better than me. I’ll stop feeling like I’ve not done enough, like I’m not good enough and I’ll stop feeling like I don’t matter because I’m the only one crying over this shit or ship.

Now that is out of my system I’m going to finish getting ready, put on a smile and go be out in the world with friends that matter. I’m looking forward to a full weekend with true friends, good times and days that don’t end in me in my bedroom with the door closed crying over someone that was the most important to all while being the least important thing to him.

This blog was never supposed to be about the man who repeatedly broke my heart. It was always about me finding a man that held it love and care. That’s all about to change now. I am at peace with my decision and will finally break this cycle. I’m off to have a blessed weekend.

If you take nothing else from this, please treat EVERYONE with love, care and importance. Even when someone treats you poorly just smile, pray for them and move on. It certainly feels like a different day today. Maybe my horoscope was right this morning.

I couldn’t actually choose just one quote to post so I’m posting the one’s the hurt the most.

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Friendship and Money is like Oil and Water… (Quote by Mario Puzo)

Since my little minor surgery my world has been off balance. I’ve not been going out as much, not eating as much and not spending as much. I’m choosing to think of some of those things as good things. But the truth of it is I’ve not been going out as much because almost everyone wants to “go have dinner” which is where the whole not eating as much comes in. I can’t really do that yet which sucks because unless I puree a grilled chicken breast and some spinach my options are a bit limited. I’ve not been spending as much because I just spent a crap load of money on this surgery crap.

Typically, even though I want to go shoe shopping with most of my extra bonus money, I’m usually a smart cookie and invest in somewhere instead after a tiny bit of splurging. But no one really likes to talk about money, as best said by a comedian I watched last night. It’s not a fun topic and technically, unless you’re talking to “your other half” it’s really none of anyone’s business.

There is a class system that revolves around money. Money makes people crazy. It’s drives people to steal, kill or just feel generally miserable. Typically three weeks out of the month I’m fine with money but rent week especially after dropping a crap load of money on something just feels painful. Truth is, I’d be fine if I didn’t have a credit card addiction. This is something that my BFF and I learned together right when we turned 18. The sad part is that neither of us learned very well at all.

We both make a very decent living and would feel very comfortable if it wasn’t for those crafty little plastic pieces of shit. So, I’m in the process of shredding all of them, of putting myself on a budget and making sure that I’m very comfortable well before my retiring age. However, I do fault the credit card conglomerates and the marketers. While, yes, they’re good at their jobs they are not nice to consumers. As proved every time THE friend and I watch TV. After all the commercials are said and done he’s added to the grocery list almost the entire repertoire of food laced propaganda.

If you’re strong willed, have absolutely no addictive tendencies then great but I’m not that way, as explained in previous posts about my adolescence I have an addictive personality. There have been many scientific studies that show that spending money, even on the stupidest things, creates the same hormone as “falling in love”. So, instead of having love, I have shoes. That’s not a new realization that just hit me. I’m well aware and have been for some time now.

But here’s the uglier side of money. Some people don’t understand what it exactly is. I mean, there’s no correlation to what things cost. For instance, THE friend and I where driving around one night and we’d decided to go have a nice meal at a nice restaurant. That one night for about two hours cost me $330.00 and either he didn’t care that it did or didn’t realize that it did but he never really gave a crap about the meal, the company or the experience. I can, at least, take away that the company was worth if, even if he didn’t.

But that’s always been an issue between the two of us. The monetary class system of money, which we’re not allowed to talk about. I’ve said it here and to him till I’ve become blue in the face about how things are not equal and have never been. We don’t discuss money but I think we silently know where each other are with things. But yesterday he wanted to go to a movie and I didn’t have the cash to spend. It was literally painful for me to admit that I didn’t have it for a couple reasons. First, being that I’ve always felt like we’re in a relationship that relies on one of us having money and the other not. Once that goes away then his interest moves somewhere else. Two, because it just sucks to say. To my shock, he purchased the tickets and food. And now I’m awkwardly grateful.

Why did this move me to awkwardly grateful? Because, if you haven’t noticed before, our relationship is anything but normal and while he’s the only person I have this type of relationship with, I assume he’s got this with many. Also, I’ve learned that most niceties do NOT come without disclaimers or requests that come up later. This was the case. Whether that was his intent or not it still happened which makes me just question the nice things he does. That’s a sad place to be in and I don’t want to be in it however history constantly repeats itself with us.

I know that he tries his hardest to be a little bit different version of himself sometimes. A bit cleaner, a bit sweeter, a bit…. something else. And then his real self explodes and it’s someone that I fully accept but because he tries to be someone else for a moment it’s as if he’s stuck between who he thinks I want him to be and who he actually is. There’s times that I think he wants to say something to me but he doesn’t. There’s times that I think he wants to do something but he doesn’t. Sometimes he’s afraid of letting his entire self, vulnerability and all shine through because he thinks that I’ll just say, “Oh God, I’m so over you.”

The funny part there is that I have no problem with the real him when he chooses to show me. I have no problem with his situation. The only reason that I truly need to distance myself is because it breaks my heart all the time that I can see who he is truly and completely and that’s enough for me. It always has been but what I have, what I offer and who I am has never been enough for him.

I’m not sure why but writing that last line as many times as I have and every single time it makes me cry like stupid, crazy tears. And each time he does something less than stellar, like leaving the milk out on my counter, in summer it makes it ok that he doesn’t care and it solidifies it. But then he treats me to something as small as a movie, because it’s not small to him. Or he brings flowers for no reason at all which are dead now but I refuse to throw them away. Or takes my shit to goodwill for me… I realize that these are sometimes all the kindness that he can muster and those are big things, they’re huge. And some days I actually don’t care that he’s actually reviling the 13 year old sitting next to me with Facebook screen time and some days it’s the worst thing in the world.

I wish this was all easy some days but I think if it was easy we might not be friends. This is the most that I’ve ever tried with any relationship through understanding, compromise and learning. But why? What’s the attraction anymore? What’s the reason? It’s literally like I’m pushing away guys who are completely interested and have arms, hearts and minds wide open to me so that I can keep the company of someone who responds to me when he wants something, ignores me when I say I can’t and can’t literally listen to an entire story I want to share without checking his phone for a “way out of listening to me”. Am I truly that masochistic? I don’t know one person in my life that has this much tolerance and I’ve never had it with anyone else. WTF?

Here’s what I know though. I know that I need to start the next phase of my life and I know that I need to only do things that make me happy and feel appreciated and like I matter. I need to have relationships that are never questioned and that are truthful and real. I don’t need relationships that come with disclaimers, or that are just so someone else can get something from me. I need people around me that are 100% honest and that are kind and loving. While I feel blessed to have him in my life, it’s a bit pointless if having that relationship only makes me question myself, feel insecure and feel betrayed by my own karma and heart. The only thing that I’ve ever wanted truly from him is to know that I matter. Not in secret, but in the real world. That who I am matters to him and that he’s not just buying time until he needs the next thing. He has never shown me that up till this point. I know why I’m here for him but what’s the other side of that? Where’s my benefit, growth and love? It is no longer my responsibility to be all of that to someone who shows only what he thinks he needs to to get what he thinks he deserves.

This has never been about money for me. Our “thing” that we have. I know, at the end of the day that if we were just two people on an island I’d be ok with that, with nothing else. I’m not looking for the same acknowledgement but I am looking for a truthful validation of some thing that dissipate with each request of something. I don’t know why but I have managed to make myself sad and cry over all of this and that’s not ok. I’m going to go do something with someone that I don’t question their loyalty.

I hope that you are all having a blessed day and that you are all being treated with unconditional love. That will be my prayer tonight.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 18. (Thursday)

1. One thing about today was the best part.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

  1. I came home today to find THE friend cleaning and organizing the kitchen. Which was awesome.
  2. No spending money – Check.
  3. Exercise – No, however I did hit my 10,000 steps during the day I didn’t exercise.
  4. Eat healthy – Check.
  5. Follow a routine – Check.

THE friend came over Wednesday night, late to catch up on our shows and while Wednesday night was quiet and uneventful yesterday was a good day for us. I realize that those actions are more about his several acronymed issues I still appreciate that they are taken out on my home and I have no problems with it. My true fear about this though is that the last time he did something so awesome for me he then took off for three months to not be heard from till he needed something.

That’s probably going to always be a fear that I have and that he says he’s probably leaving anyway, to another state. So why do I try? I don’t know but I still like our time together. I wish it was spent during the weekend and not during the week so we could actually do something fun instead of this routined cocoon that we’ve got ourselves into. Sometimes it really scares me just what I’d actually do for him. I don’t think he’d find any other woman that would and that has patience, understands his faults or flaws AND loves him unconditionally. I really wish he knew all of that.

Today, I’m grateful for loving him no matter what that means.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 13 (Saturday) And a Thank You for seven years as a blogger.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My one good thing is that most of the day I spent pantless.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – No rest day.
4. Eat healthy – Not really but I kind of miss not eating healthy now when I don’t.
5. Follow a routine – no. It’s still the weekend.

Today has been a weird day. One that was supposed to be spend relaxing and waxing and coloring and such but it became a bit more than that. It became a day of conversations and remembering. I guess it needed to happen a bit.

This all started on Friday. We were chatting at work about different things and of course relationships made the course schedule. My ex was talking about how there was a lot of being my boyfriend that he really liked. Again, this type of thing is weird to hear years and years later but in his list were things like; I wasn’t needy. I didn’t blow his phone up. I didn’t try to change him. I let him pick what he wanted to do (most of the time). He knew when I was being nice or kind that it was genuine. I’d let him pick which ever side of the bed he wanted. I never complained when he left the seat up. I didn’t “bitch and moan” and if I did have a complaint it was probably valid.

These are all great things to hear. I was an awesome girlfriend. We had a great three years together and are better friends now than we ever were anything else. But with all the good things did come some complaints about me as well because you can’t have any of the good without the bad too. These came in the same sort of list; I was never jealous. (I actually probably was a bit I just realized that those were my own insecurities and tried to not bleed them out on him.) I didn’t communicate as much as he wanted. (Seriously a guy WANTS to you talk more. That’s a change.) I seemed to check out a lot. (I still do.) I never wanted him to meet my family, although he did through some weird universal incidents. I never said the “L” word to him. That’s true.

I’m not sure this list did anything but reminded me of what to do that’s different the next time around. I mean, aren’t relationships usually the better opportunities than the ones before? Or shouldn’t they be? I did love him but those words haven’t passed my lips but to one man and they were sort of screamed at the time. Yep, THE friend is the only one that I’ve said, well, I said “I’m IN love with you”. I’ve never verbally said “I love you”. At this place that we’re in right now I’m not sure it matters much to him if I do or not.

But some of that conversation spilled into my day today. I haven’t talked with my BFF in length in a while and my GBF is getting upset with me. Works driving me insane but it’s probably just being used as a distraction anyway. Life doesn’t suck right now but it’s mundane. I said this the other day, there’s no passion in it. I want something different, something fun, something that’s not been there for a long time. I just don’t know what that is.

Instead of worrying what the next thing is, I’m going to say up a bit later (it’s already 2 am), watch so weird show I just found and sleep. Hopefully, I won’t fall asleep on the couch like I did last night. I’ll wake up, exercise, have brunch with some friends. Come home and clean a bit and wait to see if THE friend will come over. I feel like he might have found something else to do instead which is fine. If he does show up then we’ll have a fun time but I’m not expecting anything. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t expect a thing.

On a different note though, today is my 7 year anniversary on wordpress. I’ve been writing this blog for 7 years now except I’ve gotten frustrated a few times and deleted a lot of posts. I’m wondering if I regret that now. It would be weird to see some of those posts. Keep in mind that THE friend wasn’t there for the first 4 years that I had it. It’s been fun though and I’ve met some great people on here so I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s read this weirdness that is my life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

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