Something wicked this way comes…

This weekend has seriously been strange. The “I’m not ok with this” strange. A sort of “Something wicked this way comes” strange. I can’t really even describe things better than than though. Instances, occurrences and events have put me in a strange mood.

After a bit to drink last night and an enjoyable evening I came home late and wrote. I wrote first on paper so I could get it all out and it really did just keep coming all out. Then I formulated a better plan and rewrote on the computer and almost hit send… What was this life changing letter that I was writing? Well, it was my “break-up” letter to THE friend.

It occurred to me while I’m in the middle of this heartfelt, crushing, emotional letter basically saying all the things I’ve ever wanted to say but didn’t know how, I was literally ONLY writing this for an audience of one. Me. The more and more I wrote this the more and more I got angry because I realized that if he ever actually cared, I’d never have to write this. If he’d ever actually cared I’d never felt as shitty as I did in that very moment. If he ever actually cared I wouldn’t have felt like it was his favorite past time to rip out my heart whenever he could.

That’s all giving him a lot of power and I understand that it was too much responsibility. He can’t take care of himself so asking for him to take care of my heart was way too much. You know once, when I told him that I still had feelings for him his reply was, “I feel betrayed. I thought you’d taken care of that shit.” I should have know then that I couldn’t have given my heart to someone any less deserving of it.

There has always been over a thousand reasons why hanging around in this “friendship” was a terrible idea but I was so sure that WE were meant for more than we ever actually were. I’ve allowed this guy to steal my happiness when we were never really friends. Do you know how sad that is?

Things have gotten just so bad in my mind that there’s nothing to be done. I am miserable when he’s not here but I’m even more miserable when he is because he could care less that I’m the one he’s with in that moment. He’ll never treat this friendship or me even close to the way it should be. Lastly, whatever joy this relationship ever brought to me died along time ago.

I realized just how much happier I am in other circles and just how much my true self shines around others. I’m the life of the party. I’m enjoying every moment with others. I’m not questioning “why” they’re there. I’m not worried that as soon as they get something they need or want then they’re gone. I’m not worried around everyone else. My heart isn’t breaking around everyone else. I’m not left feeling like an invisible piece of shit with anyone else.

I tried to remember last night the last time I felt good about “us”. It was over three years ago. That’s way too long. Then, I tried to remember what or when it was that things changed. I can’t even point that out anymore but what did come to mind was all these moments in this “shitty movie montage” of all the times when I ended up crying or angry or just plain feeling like shit about “us” or myself or the evening or whatever.

This is the first time that I’m realizing that these roadblocks that are between us will never move, in fact, they’ll only get worse. It’s not fixable anymore and I don’t actually think that I want to fix things. I don’t think there’s enough superglue in this entire world that will fix all our broken bits together.

I don’t remember when I stopped being a strong independent woman when it came to him but when that did happen is when I should have realized that a boy should fan the flames of an independent woman and not stomp them out.

I am officially done with feeling sad or angry about something that I put so much into. I know that’s been said before but there’s been a real change. Trust me. The second job interview. The other friend and some words of wisdom from other friends have just made me realize that by attaching myself to lost causes, I’m bringing myself down and miserable. Just to be clear I do not think that HE is a lost cause, I think that WE are a lost cause.

So after all that thought went into the breakup letter and I was just about to hit send so that it slips out of my mind and into the universe to end up in his email only to be ignore as he does so many other things for week. I realized that on the off chance he did read it I didn’t want him to have a crappy weekend because of that…. WOW. I’m awesome. Course then I realized that, again, he’d still never see things through my eyes. He’d pull some bullshit and send me some angry vindictive text messages about how I suck and how everything is really my fault somehow.

None of any of that matters now. I’ve been immune to his “charm” this entire time and have only been running off some emotions that our combined energy brought into this world that others felt as well in the beginning. That was enough to bring me this far but has now finally reached empty. I told you that my weekend has been strange.

I suppose I’ll keep you all informed as to what I end up doing but by typical calculations I maybe or may not hear from him in a week or two, possible three. By then, maybe I’ll have figured out the best way to have the most need finale ever. It sucks that the most needed things to do in the world are also the hardest but I suppose those are the adult things we all have to do at some point. I just wished I wasn’t the only one that is going to hurt like hell.

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Imagine This… A meaningful quote with a side of signs.

A while back I was perusing this site Tiny Buddha Site and came across this piece of wisdom:

“Imagine This: If you had $84,400 in your account and someone stole $10.00 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10.00? Or move on and live? Right, move on a dn live. See, we have 86,400 seconds each day. Don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the remaining 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.”

Even though we all knew that… Isn’t it more powerful spelled out like that? That stuck in my mind since I saw it. It’s even better when something comes to you at a time of much needed contemplation anyway. Like today, or tonight…

Before leaving for a nice dinner I had an even better workout. It was one of those workouts that I was almost in pain but I didn’t want to stop so it turned into an almost hour and half of intense awesomeness. That makes me happy for so many reasons but one of those is that when I run or walk it gives me time to think.

If you read my posts you’ll already know just how much I’m into signs. The problem with signs though is that they are never what you want, nor expect. I heard once, somewhere, that the universe or God first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention you get a tiny pebble thrown at you in hopes of you picking up that sign… If you are STILL not listening then you get a brick thrown at your head. I am someone who’s had to have a lot of bricks thrown at me.

Let me explain my type of situation… This is a scenario of something that could possibly happen to me as things similar have:
– I’d get five flyers in my mailbox that had something to do with my car. Ignore them all. That’s the whisper.
– Then I’d have someone I knew have something happen to their car and in the same instance they’d say something like, “You should get your car checked out. This should be a lesson to you. That would be the pebble.
– I’d run out of gas or my check engine light comes on and my car stops on the freeway… That would be the brick.

So my point being is we all get some sort of signs in our lives leading up to what our next “step” or “stage” should be… It’s just whether or not we actually choose to listen to it. Recently I have had that happen. It was a health thing but I pretty much had the whisper, the pebble, the brick and finally a freight train barrel toward me before I finally listened.

Since I’m trying to meditate more now, which actually just turns into sessions of me thinking too much, I realized that there’s been a few instances of this lately. First instance was this health issue which I finally listen to. The second, which I have not listened to just yet is this place where I live. There have been signs that I shouldn’t be here for years but yet I stay.

Mostly my reasons for not moving are because moving sucks. I live 5 miles from work which would be about 25 minutes to bike there once I get my new bike but it’s also because I have way too much shit. Lastly, It’s because I’ve always thought that I’d leave here when I would be moving in with someone else.

That last thought brought me to another “Sign” that I’ve been ignoring. Staying in this town I’m in. The reasons why I’ve stayed here so long, I used to feel, they outweighed the bad. That is not the case and I don’t think it’s been the case for sometime now.

Reason 1: My job – I’ve been here for almost 18 years… That’s a long fucking time. I make decent money but it’s not challenging. It’s not fun and I work for an asshole who is more selfish than anyone else I know which just makes me want to dick punch him all the time. That’s not a good place that I want to be in.

Reason 2: The friends – This one is a bit strange because I realized that when my brother threw me a surprise party the hotel room that he bought for the night held about 10% of the people that I actually spend my time with. I have friends everywhere in all my little worlds so I can move wherever and I’d still be spending time with people that I shared history with.

Reason 3: I like this city. Most of the people that I know who’ve moved away don’t appreciate this city because they lived a sheltered life and never ventured out much. I’m not saying this is a perfect place but it’s got some great qualities.

Reason 4: I was far enough from my family that I didn’t need to see them all the time but was still close enough to get there if needed.

Reason 5: THE friend. Yep, it absolutely sucks to admit that I’ve stayed here longer than I ever wanted to because of THE friend. Some convoluted part of my brain thought that the longer I stayed here the more potential he’d have to realize just how awesome we’d be together. That occurred somewhere in my subconscious because my conscious thought always knew the reality of “us”. That reality has just become so loud in my mind and I’m not ok being stuck in this weird, boring, limbo rut that we’re in as friends. I’m not ok with any of it.

The problem with reason 5, in the past, has been that all the “signs” were pointing to a much different future for us. I wanted to believe in those signs so badly that I’d miss anything else. My mind is much more open to receiving now and it’s sees things in an entirely different way. I stopped reading the signs how I wanted to interpret them and finally l saw what I was meant to see which means I was finally ready to see it.

So the moral of the story here is a few things. First, don’t let someone else’s 10 minutes of shit kill the rest of your 86,390 minutes of a day. Second, watch out and listen for signs. Pay attention before you get freight trained. Lastly, when the reasons stay become so much less than the reasons to leave then it’s time to go.

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Throwing Out Some Therapy…

I’ve told you all that I like to read and learn things right? Well, in my journey to be a better and more understanding person, I’ve read lots of books on mental health, psychology, PTSD and grief. Know why? Because A LOT of shit has happened to me in my life that wasn’t great and also to a lot of people that I know. I like to act as a therapist sometimes especially when I can see someone hurting and know that I might be able to do something about it. Today, I got to throw out some therapy which I was surprised was so well received.

The day started early (for me) while planning out my week of health and then it was off to my friend and insurance agents home for my monthly hair “trim”. There’s a lady that used to be a high end stylist till she realized that her clients were a-holes so she decided to leave that and just keep her family and friends as clients so once a month she travels to a bunch of homes and does her thing. Because I’ve always done something to my hair, color, straighten or heat the crap out of it, it’s been pretty over processed in the past but since I’ve been seeing her it’s so much healthier. But this time I wanted a change. It’s been slowly getting back to it’s natural color but that wasn’t enough. Today, I just decided to have her chop off half a foot. Sounds much more drastic that way than saying six inches doesn’t it?

She kept asking, “Are you sure? You really want to do this?”. Well, since she’s know me I’ve been the long, long haired really blonde girl but my response to her was, “Yep, it’s hair. It’ll grow back”. However, women get very emotionally attached to their hair. But with that said it was very cathartic to chop so much off. I felt like some of the bad shit that’s happened had been removed a bit. It’s healthier. I look younger and it’s kinda cute.

The reason I brought that up was because I was explaining the process of getting rid of things and then turned the conversation to my friend, the insurance broker. She’s much older than me but we’ve always gotten along because we don’t bullshit each other. I first met her probably a decade ago and she was happily married to an amazing man. It was just the two of them and a whole lotta dogs. After about a year or so something changed in her husband and he became so drastically depressed. She knew it was a warning sign and she tried everything to do what she could but he was so far gone that one day he decided to brutally take his own life, in the bedroom.

She saw everything. She witnessed the aftermath of the bedroom and him after the most selfish thing he’d done. I can’t imagine, not just losing someone whom you consider the love of your life, but to witness the carnage left behind. Sometimes humans shock me in the most honest, vulnerable yet strong ways ever with how she handled things. 

For a long time she was pushing back all her emotions and she’d even admitted later that if she didn’t carry so much Jewish guilt over suicide she might have followed him. She battles daily with the thought that he’s no longer here. She stayed in the house, had some things redone but his presents is everywhere in that home. She holds so much emotional attachment and anger towards him that I’ve tried many times to explain to her that she needs to release that anger or it will kill her from the inside out.

So there we were today, in her kitchen with our hair stylist and half a foot of my hair is dropping all around me. I was surprisingly calm and I looked at her face and she was just in shock. I explained to her that part of the Buddhist philosophy (not that I’m 100% there) was about dropping your emotional attachments to things and people. Letting go… You’ve all heard the phrase, “Let go and let God” right? Well the Buddhist believe that while we carry these ‘investments’ in tangible items we’re shorting our lives for their true worth.

I didn’t get that corny about it but this was all for more than just releasing her husband. She’d started dating someone a while ago and for the first time in the years since her husband past, this guy is truly a great guy. I don’t mean he had money or a great job, I have no clue about that stuff, but what I do know is this man takes care of her and forces her to let his. She’s a tough strong woman and rarely has relied on someone else and especially NOT a man. So, I asked for one thing for my birthday since she wanted to get me something. I’d asked her to take something that was her husbands that meant a lot and put it away for 30 days. Out of sight.

At this point, I really thought she was going to tell me to eff off. But I could see what her near issue would be. Her new man wanted to move it and she was going to have a huge issue getting rid of her past. All I wanted her to do was to put it away for just a short time. It’s more about moving past those things and it’s really hard to do that while ever corner you turn there’s another reminder. There is literally 90% of that home that reminds her of him. But shockingly enough, she actually did it. I think her action was less about me than about her finally wanting to move on.

I’d also asked her to do one other thing. This, to me, was the most important. She was to write her husband a letter. This would be a letter releasing every single emotion she’s still holding on to, the anger, the sadness and the guilt. She’s been given till the next time we meet to write this letter. Then it’ll be her choice whether to burn it or keep it but in my experience the burning of the letter symbolizes more about letting things go than anything but it’s her choice.

It’s strange but such a simple act of me cutting my hair may have helped someone who’s been suffering for the longest time with things that are out of her control and things that she can’t change. I pray that this lightens her life just a bit so she can totally and completely let the new guy in.

Now, if I can only take my own advice at times. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t feel like there’s such a wall between me and the people I care about the most. I’m working on one thing at a time but today made me realize that much more how much I need a man in my life that can take over for me when I’m feeling weak. I think I said it best in this previous post Letter To My Future Husband Sometimes, even when we’re not ok, helping others is the best way to get there. I need to remember that every single day.

And that, my friends, was my excruciatingly long post for today. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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Final weekend of nothing…

Strangely, having a weekend pretty much all to myself has actually caused me to make a lot of hard decisions. Decisions that I’ve been wrestling with for a while now. So here is what I have decided…

I will no longer be giving to those who haven’t reciprocated.
I will no longer “try” to keep friendships that have much more gains for the other person than for me.
I will be around positive people that have goals and incentive to get to a better place than where they are.
I will no longer be a sucker to my emotions. I’m done.
I’m done with putting my heart on my sleeve and getting it slapped off each time.
I’m done with people or use, manipulate and lie or hurt others because they are hurting themselves.
I’m done not feeling “good enough”.
I’m done crying. No more tears will be shed over shit that only mattered to me.
I’m done with people that don’t have compassion or empathy.
I’m done with anger and other emotions that aren’t helpful.
I’m done sticking around this hell hole with people that are dragging me down.

I knew it would all come to this one day and for some reason today just proved it. When the love turns to anger and the anger turns to apathy… That’s when there’s nothing left. I’m getting the fuck out of his town when my lease is up. I’m done spending money on anything that’s not an absolute necessity for me so that I can move. This place and certain people will be in my rear view mirror soon and I’m completely ok with that.

People are not inherently mean, inconsiderate, assholes. They choose to be that way. They choose to treat people like shit. They choose to forget the ones that have helped them this far. All their actions and lies and manipulations are all chosen. They wonder why things don’t work out. It’s because they treat people like trash and move on to the next person and then when that person is done or is no longer useful then they try to make amends with the good, kind people from their past. I’m so sick of this fucking pattern, this impossible future that’s been the reason I’ve stayed so long. I’ve put in my time and I’m done.

I am well aware that I’ve said that before but like the “Boy who cried wolf” he was eventually right. There has never been such hurt felt out of such love. There will never be again. I don’t know if you did this to me because someone else hurt you or if you really do just have the worst blinders on ever but one day you will actually be sorry and maybe you’ll pray for my forgiveness but will have moved on and there will be nothing left. You did this. No one else. You can’t blame anyone and you can’t “excuse” this away. Your actions have consequences. You amusement of other people, do you think this is all a game? You throw out these little “treats” to keep people around but you never actually want them. You just need them. Then you go through life collecting these little trophy’s of human hearts. Do you know how fucked up that is? And the worst part is that you don’t think people find out? You don’t think we know? Some of the people that you’ve hurt are some vindictive bitches and I am sick of getting stuck in the crossfire of their broken hearts. I’m sick of your actions coming back to haunt me.

I’m so very done this time because your past won’t leave me out of your history and wants to piss on my present. I’m curious thought, what do you do with your collection of broken hearts? I’m curious what you’ll do with mine.

Prioritizing Priorities…

Some people’s priorities are so effed up it’s unbelievable. I’ve been stewing with this thought for a while now and it just keeps getting me more angry and more angry. I’ve never, in my life, encountered someone with such effed up priorities that I don’t know what to do right now. This has me so red-faced right now that I’m done, with all of it. I’m done with them and I’m done being angry. If they have made it this far in their life without realizing what is actually important rather than a quick fix of excitement then they are obviously never going to change.

I have never been so done before with another person. This is a strange feeling and it’s not as if I’m losing much on my end. I do wonder though, if you think about the people in your life, if I said they wouldn’t be there any longer would you miss the person first or their perks? If the answer is anything other than that person then you might be an a-hole.

Damn I was actually having a really decent day until this just boiled over. It’s time to ONLY take care of myself and the people that are closest to me from now on. Seriously people, if you ever wonder why you’re having some bad karma in your life look really hard back at the people that you really should have treated better.

That is all for now. I have to wash this anger off of me before my date tonight… Some meditation perhaps. I HAVE to let all this go or it’s going to eat me up.

I hope you’re all having a much better day than I right now. Do you think Hallmark makes a card that says, “I love you, but I love me more. Take me for granted more than once and you lose a really great friend. Good luck. Please don’t do this to anyone else. You make people feel like shit.”

Nothing for Granted By: Brendan James