Yet again, it’s all about the connection…

I think that even before I wrote that blog, last night/this morning, I’d already decided that I was done with the band. Before the band drama I was focused on myself and making myself and my life better. That went a bit to the side since meeting them. I need that piece and peace back. I’ll admit that before them and becoming so close to my friends wife my world was a lot more quiet and a bit more lonely but I felt free. Free from emotions and free from the rest of the world. That was a nice feeling.

Things have all changed since this time last year or pre-hurricane cleansing, as I call it. I was in, what seemed like, a masochistic relationship which is gone now. I was having issues at work and even wanting to just get out of bed in the morning was tough, which is gone now. I wasn’t feeling connected to my own life, that’s still a bit there but it’s better than it was. But that’s where my whole life turns… When I’m connected.

My personal life is still just crazy and after a phone call I just got it’s even crazier. Like I said yesterday, for some reason, married men are finding me to flirt with. This is a weird time for me. This has happened before and I brushed it off but now I look better and feel better physically than I have in a long time. Apparently that type of attitude is what they’re looking for. But I’m not this person that they think I am. I am done.

This really does go back to the “connection” part of life. I, so rarely, feel that with people. I get along with everyone but it’s few that peak my interest. When I feel that type of connection whether it be emotionally or sexually it’s as if I never want to let it go. But tonight all I can think about is one of my favorite movies… If you’ve been here before then you know what I’m going to quote, “There’s girls you fuck and there’s girls you marry and never the two shall meet”. I have never felt like more of the first one than I do right now.

I am not innocent, by any means, I am NOT rationalizing my behavior either. I know that I have crossed a line with ONE of them. But the other two LIED to me and have been lying to their wives this entire time. I simply can not say this enough that I am done. Fucking done with men being selfish and not realizing who their hurting. Yes, I might have been the girl you marry for several way back when but it’s not like that now and I can’t stop being angry at myself for not saying Yes to one of those guys years ago.

There is nothing worse in my world than the realization that I am partially to blame for someone else being upset, angry or any other negative emotion. That’s NOT who I am. All I want to do is make people feel better and their lives happier. I’m so sickened right now. I’m so angry at myself. You all here know that I’ve never been more honest than I am here and to write all this down makes me sick. This is just fucked up. I need to be the person I was not that long ago now. I’m done being the person I am right now and I write that in tears.

I have already delete all the things that remind me of the last few months and can only wish that new and better memories will be made soon. I’m sorry for not being the person that I should be right now and for causing any pain to ANYONE. I can only hope that tomorrow I can start to pay forward kindness instead of what I’ve been doing.

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowing entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time. I a bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

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Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.

YOU HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE BROKEN MY TRUST FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FROM ME and the saddest part is YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAYS DOING THINGS THAT I’VE ASKED OF YOU AND YOU’VE IGNORED BUT GLEEFULLY DO WITH OTHERS. I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT I’VE SPENT ON YOU.

I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.

Sincerely,

The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.

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Making my list and checking it twice…

You are all aware of my propensity to make lists. I’ve done this my whole life and it wasn’t until my Shaman friend said that this would drastically manifest things in my life that I wanted. Apparently, it doesn’t work for all but with my sign or aura or some shit it’s supposed to work. They also seem to calm my nerves.

So today, in between long distance phone calls between friends, I’ve been writing lists like a crazy person. First, my grocery list since it’s been a while that I’ve cleaned my fridge out and need to get rid of a lot of stuff I need to replace with some healthy food that I’ll actually eat.

Second, is my Christmas list. I’ve gotten everyone’s list back so now I just have to sort, shop and my perfect idea is that I get it all done so that I can take it all with me for Thanksgiving and give myself some down time during the month of December… We shall see just how well that goes.

Third, I have a work to do list of things that I have to do for private clients which include building web sites, finishing their books and finding ‘things’ that they can’t be bothered to find themselves. I can be nifty if the right person asks me.

Lastly, I’m still and always will be writing my list of things that I want in a man. I know that men are not perfect, no one is. However, the clearer that I am about what I want then I’ll know when I find it. No, I’ve not written off the new guy. However, it’s easier to not care as much about someone if you don’t see them. A few days turns into a few weeks and by then you’ve moved on.

There will always be things that I’ll keep on my man list like a smooth chest, late night drunken unannounced visits and being childlike without being childish. There’s a fine line to everything. Keeping promises, telling the truth and being loving and kind will also always be on that list. I will always need a man that’s strong enough to pull out things from me that I don’t know how to share. I’ve also always wanted to be in a relationship where I can be cuddling and reading a book and he could be watching TV with headphones on and it’s just as good as if we were in the middle of some great conversation.

I guess I want a puzzle piece relationship. You can kind of make out the picture if you see them separately but together it just makes sense. Neither or strong or weak at the same moment. One is silent while the others speaks. I’d even go so far as to say one is dirty as the other one is clean… It’s all about the ying and yang. But space, space is a big deal. No one, even married people should spend every free moment with the other. You can’t miss someone who never leaves your side. I’ve taken for granted all the times I’ve been told that I have been missed.

In my long trek to find out what I want I’ve come across so much of what I didn’t want. That’s the easy part, to know what you don’t want. I don’t want someone who’s so controlled by fear that they stay stagnant forever. In a strange twist of fate I don’t want someone who doesn’t communicate their feelings, emotions or fears. I don’t want someone who tries a bit of everyone only to realize that they passed up chances because of their fear of missing out. I don’t want a man that can’t keep promises, that can’t repay kindness and that find it more appropriate to spend nights out drinking than to repay debts to friends that use to mean something to them. And yes, that last one was specific.

I’m just tired of the old same old same… and just because I’m letting someone go doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s hard as hell but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. If life was made out of all the right easy things to do there’d be nothing to complain about I guess. When you’re the only one who’s sad that you’ve left, or even realized that you’ve left it just proves the point even more.

I’ve always known that I couldn’t start a new relationship that I was serious about until I divested my self of the one that meant everything but returned nothing and now that is happening. Maybe by the time the new guy gets home I’ll be ready. There’s only so many chances that I’ll give someone. Opportunities are not in abundance especially if you don’t treat them well. That’s my lesson for today kids, if you truly cherish someone then prove it. If you don’t then be honest and let the other person move on. It’s better to hurt in the beginning than after three years of having your heart punched, beaten and torn.

My next journey is to let go of the pain, anger and frustration. That I will need help with.

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Lost moments and pointless arguments…

I’m just getting back from dinner with friends. I’d actually canceled plans with them earlier because I was feeling tired and sick but decided to go ahead and go anyway. It was fun. We laughed and joked with the waiter who gave me free dessert. Not a bad night. I figure it was balancing my night from the day before because it wasn’t as fun.

You all know me, I never really reach out to people because I always feel that if they want to spend time with me then I’ll make the time. I’d decided, since we’d watched all the other debates together, that I’d ask THE friend if he wanted to watch. He’d said yes and we agreed on dinner, drinks and debates. I was looking forward to it.

I’d ordered the food, bought two bottles of recommended wine and came home to shower the shitty work day off me. I’d changed into my pajamas because I just wanted a chill night to relax. While I was waiting for him I’d gone out on my patio and the door locked behind me… I really should have taken that as a precursor to the rest of the evening. I then became someone who had to ask for someone else’s help. I had to wait till THE friend showed up just to get back in my home.

After the moment of “Wait let me get some embarrassing photo’s first of her then I’ll let her in” he immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed food, placed his stuff in a pile on my desk and preceded to sit there for the rest of the night on my computer, his TWO phones and not even engaging in the moment.

At first, I could tell that I was getting mad but I was trying to be calm and just relax. So, I had one glass of wine. Dinner then came and he was still on my computer and his TWO phones and still not engaging, so I had another glass of wine. Now, the debate is over, dinner is over, I’m on my third glass of wine (and I don’t drink) and I try one more time to have a conversation trying to tell a story that he only had to listen to for two maybe three minutes and he never even started to listen.

At this point in the evening, I’m a bit tipsy which should have been fun but I’m so upset that I just shut down. There’s nothing more to do on my end ever again. He knows I’m pissed and I hope that whatever captured his attention was worth it because then I just grabbed my stuff and went to bed, early, in my own fucking home.

I wake this morning probably feeling physically better than I should have but emotionally I just want to fucking scream. HE DOESN’T GET IT. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK! But even though I’m still upset I’m trying to get ready so quietly so I don’t wake him up.

A few hours later, I’m at work and receive an apology text. I replied with pure emotion and didn’t even wait till I thought out what I wanted to say. I had an emotional purge which was long overdue. I basically told him all the things that I’ve said here. I told him that he keeps apologizing for doing the same thing but he keeps doing the same damn thing which makes the apology useless. I told him that the little amount of time we spend together and all I ever asked for were small things, never too much nor anything that I don’t think he can actually handle. Maybe I’m wrong there. I also told him that he makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth while he’s sitting right next to me. Then I apologized for not being bright or shiny or new anymore but he needed to start showing me that he cares even the tiniest amount.

Basically, yet again, I was the most honest with him than I’ve been with anyone and explaining that all I want to do is get some semblance of a connection of what we used to have. I ripped myself open and showed my vulnerability again and what did I get in return… NOT A FUCKING WORD.

Literally not one more thing was said after that. I didn’t get an apology, an explanation, a “fuck off”. I got nothing. What’s the worst thing that you can say to someone who’s just been completely honest with you? NOTHING.

I’m disgusted with myself for trying, caring or even assuming that things could actually get better between us. The saddest part of all of this is that I would be his greatest ally, his loudest cheerleader, his best friend if he could just do the smallest of things. I wouldn’t question our friendship, requests nor favors if it actually seemed like it wasn’t all just for killing time for him.

The worst part was I actually brought up money. I basically said I’d spend almost $100.00 on an evening that I was ignored the entire time. I hate that. 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER looked at things like that but his complacency has me doing that. I needed him to understand and see things from my perspective. But then I got home, knowing he was still here because he’s lost my key, and realizing that he had ever opportunity to response to another vulnerable conversation but he chose to be on my computer and his two phones the entire day.

Out of all the things I’ve tried to ignore or work through internally or fight for with us and I am not even worth listening to or responding to. This is not a fault or flaw of my own. This is entirely on him and why he feels the need to either push away or smash me in to the ground so far that I end up only crying over my stupid decisions. NO ONE DESERVES THAT TYPE OF HATRED OR DISRESPECT FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING WHO’S BEEN KIND, LOVING AND CARING TO THEM. NO ONE!

All I do know at the end of this day is that I love myself way too much to do this ever again. There is literally no amount of love that you can give someone enough to make them love you back even in the smallest of ways. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

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Synchronicity and secrets…

My weekend was good. It was really good. First, I didn’t stayed locked in my home as expected. I ventured out quite a bit. I saw the new guy a couple times and we had a lot of fun. There was no x-rated fun, yet but I’m looking forward to the anticipation. And seriously I’ve been on a self induced sexual hiatus for so long even if it’s bad, it’s going to be good.

I’ve talked about this before as well but being someone who’s been in situations that weren’t my fault makes it extremely hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. I don’t know this new guy enough yet but we’re learning from each other. One thing that those close to me are is synchronized. It’s like, you get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and one goes for the bowls and the other gets the cereal. Then swap and one goes for the milk and the other gets the spoons without a word. I find that I have that with really close people in my life. Mainly my BFF, GBF and my friend I just went into business with. It’s a good feeling when you’re that close that you know what each other is thinking.

Like I said, the new guy and I are no where near that yet and I think if we were I’d probably be a bit scared since it’s not been that long. I’m ok with slow and steady wins the race though. Each time we talk or hang out I find out something new to like about him. One thing he did that I appreciated was he kept a promise. I made him promise that if I ever did anything that he didn’t like or wasn’t sure about then to bring it up. We’d discuss it and if I understood where he was coming from I’d agree to change it.

His issue wasn’t what was sweet about it though. We were in his car, just parked and he turned to me, lighting sandwiches my cheeks in his hands and said, “Babe, you asked me to bring things up that bother me. I’m about to do that, ok?” I lightly nodded my head and he said that he was bothered that he was always the one to reach out to me and he wished that I reached out to him because other wise he just feels like he’s bothering me.

Okay, so obviously I’ve heard this before. In fact, the two most succinct people in my life say it all the time, my BFF and my GBF so I’m aware that this is an issue. But this is going to take some training on my part. I’ve also had some ex’s say the same thing but I didn’t really care about it then because I knew things weren’t going to last. This time around though I want to fix it. Baby steps though… That’s all we’re looking for right now.

The next part is tricky. Because of my failure to communicate it leaves a lot of secrets in my closet. I’ve explained that there’s only two people in my life who know as much as they do about me. One is my BFF and I’ve never regretted telling her a thing. The other, is THE friend who never cared that he was trusted with my secrets so all those are regrets that I told him any of them. But the latter being what it is it makes me wary to open up again about some of that stuff. It was probably the most painful things that I trusted him with and he made me regret it so I’m really not wanting history to repeat itself BUT in the same breath I want to be open.

This is a weird predicament that I’m in right now. I feel something new for this new guy but it’s too soon to tell what that is yet and we don’t have history. We don’t have stories or anecdotes yet… It’s exciting to get to know someone on a deeper level but it’s also pretty terrifying too.

I guess I’m still in my juvenile learning curve but thankfully I’m further on than I was before. Maybe what I had with THE friend was what I needed but with training wheels and now I’ve found someone that doesn’t come with training wheels and that actually cares to learn about me, spend time with me finding things out about me and getting to a point where anything with THE friend doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’ve said before that most relationships except the really special ones have an expiration date of three years for me. Well, as much as it seems like THE friend and I have been doing our weird dance for much longer it’s about to be three years. Being able to know when he’ll cancel or why he’ll cancel only proves that I know much more about him than he’s ever know about me. I have definitely reached a point where I’m done with all the crap that we BOTH have given to each other. I’m done being the loneliest person in the world sitting right next to him. I’m done with the, “something way better came up so even though you keep our ‘dates’ I’m going to cancel on you again”. I’m done with being able to predict the bad and it always coming true.

Maybe if we make it passed the three year hump then I’ll calm down a bit but history does tend to repeat itself. I’m sure it’s about time that he tries to replace our friendship with some other woman soon. Talk about losing that lovin’ feeling. I guess my song lyrics have finally caught up with his.

Ask me on a good day if I wished things were so different with us and I’d say, “Hell yes”. Ask me on the same good day that if I had the chance to start over with THE friend my answer would also be the same. Ask me on a really really good day if I’d like the new guy and THE friend to switch positions and on a great day, I’d say absolutely but he and I haven’t shared a great, really good or even just a good day together in such a long time I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Today was a strange day on all fronts and I’m exhausted and a little school girl happy. Can’t rewrite history nor change your future or your expectations…. That’s all I know tonight.

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