Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

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Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.

YOU HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE BROKEN MY TRUST FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FROM ME and the saddest part is YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAYS DOING THINGS THAT I’VE ASKED OF YOU AND YOU’VE IGNORED BUT GLEEFULLY DO WITH OTHERS. I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT I’VE SPENT ON YOU.

I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.

Sincerely,

The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.

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Making my list and checking it twice…

You are all aware of my propensity to make lists. I’ve done this my whole life and it wasn’t until my Shaman friend said that this would drastically manifest things in my life that I wanted. Apparently, it doesn’t work for all but with my sign or aura or some shit it’s supposed to work. They also seem to calm my nerves.

So today, in between long distance phone calls between friends, I’ve been writing lists like a crazy person. First, my grocery list since it’s been a while that I’ve cleaned my fridge out and need to get rid of a lot of stuff I need to replace with some healthy food that I’ll actually eat.

Second, is my Christmas list. I’ve gotten everyone’s list back so now I just have to sort, shop and my perfect idea is that I get it all done so that I can take it all with me for Thanksgiving and give myself some down time during the month of December… We shall see just how well that goes.

Third, I have a work to do list of things that I have to do for private clients which include building web sites, finishing their books and finding ‘things’ that they can’t be bothered to find themselves. I can be nifty if the right person asks me.

Lastly, I’m still and always will be writing my list of things that I want in a man. I know that men are not perfect, no one is. However, the clearer that I am about what I want then I’ll know when I find it. No, I’ve not written off the new guy. However, it’s easier to not care as much about someone if you don’t see them. A few days turns into a few weeks and by then you’ve moved on.

There will always be things that I’ll keep on my man list like a smooth chest, late night drunken unannounced visits and being childlike without being childish. There’s a fine line to everything. Keeping promises, telling the truth and being loving and kind will also always be on that list. I will always need a man that’s strong enough to pull out things from me that I don’t know how to share. I’ve also always wanted to be in a relationship where I can be cuddling and reading a book and he could be watching TV with headphones on and it’s just as good as if we were in the middle of some great conversation.

I guess I want a puzzle piece relationship. You can kind of make out the picture if you see them separately but together it just makes sense. Neither or strong or weak at the same moment. One is silent while the others speaks. I’d even go so far as to say one is dirty as the other one is clean… It’s all about the ying and yang. But space, space is a big deal. No one, even married people should spend every free moment with the other. You can’t miss someone who never leaves your side. I’ve taken for granted all the times I’ve been told that I have been missed.

In my long trek to find out what I want I’ve come across so much of what I didn’t want. That’s the easy part, to know what you don’t want. I don’t want someone who’s so controlled by fear that they stay stagnant forever. In a strange twist of fate I don’t want someone who doesn’t communicate their feelings, emotions or fears. I don’t want someone who tries a bit of everyone only to realize that they passed up chances because of their fear of missing out. I don’t want a man that can’t keep promises, that can’t repay kindness and that find it more appropriate to spend nights out drinking than to repay debts to friends that use to mean something to them. And yes, that last one was specific.

I’m just tired of the old same old same… and just because I’m letting someone go doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s hard as hell but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. If life was made out of all the right easy things to do there’d be nothing to complain about I guess. When you’re the only one who’s sad that you’ve left, or even realized that you’ve left it just proves the point even more.

I’ve always known that I couldn’t start a new relationship that I was serious about until I divested my self of the one that meant everything but returned nothing and now that is happening. Maybe by the time the new guy gets home I’ll be ready. There’s only so many chances that I’ll give someone. Opportunities are not in abundance especially if you don’t treat them well. That’s my lesson for today kids, if you truly cherish someone then prove it. If you don’t then be honest and let the other person move on. It’s better to hurt in the beginning than after three years of having your heart punched, beaten and torn.

My next journey is to let go of the pain, anger and frustration. That I will need help with.

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Lost moments and pointless arguments…

I’m just getting back from dinner with friends. I’d actually canceled plans with them earlier because I was feeling tired and sick but decided to go ahead and go anyway. It was fun. We laughed and joked with the waiter who gave me free dessert. Not a bad night. I figure it was balancing my night from the day before because it wasn’t as fun.

You all know me, I never really reach out to people because I always feel that if they want to spend time with me then I’ll make the time. I’d decided, since we’d watched all the other debates together, that I’d ask THE friend if he wanted to watch. He’d said yes and we agreed on dinner, drinks and debates. I was looking forward to it.

I’d ordered the food, bought two bottles of recommended wine and came home to shower the shitty work day off me. I’d changed into my pajamas because I just wanted a chill night to relax. While I was waiting for him I’d gone out on my patio and the door locked behind me… I really should have taken that as a precursor to the rest of the evening. I then became someone who had to ask for someone else’s help. I had to wait till THE friend showed up just to get back in my home.

After the moment of “Wait let me get some embarrassing photo’s first of her then I’ll let her in” he immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed food, placed his stuff in a pile on my desk and preceded to sit there for the rest of the night on my computer, his TWO phones and not even engaging in the moment.

At first, I could tell that I was getting mad but I was trying to be calm and just relax. So, I had one glass of wine. Dinner then came and he was still on my computer and his TWO phones and still not engaging, so I had another glass of wine. Now, the debate is over, dinner is over, I’m on my third glass of wine (and I don’t drink) and I try one more time to have a conversation trying to tell a story that he only had to listen to for two maybe three minutes and he never even started to listen.

At this point in the evening, I’m a bit tipsy which should have been fun but I’m so upset that I just shut down. There’s nothing more to do on my end ever again. He knows I’m pissed and I hope that whatever captured his attention was worth it because then I just grabbed my stuff and went to bed, early, in my own fucking home.

I wake this morning probably feeling physically better than I should have but emotionally I just want to fucking scream. HE DOESN’T GET IT. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK! But even though I’m still upset I’m trying to get ready so quietly so I don’t wake him up.

A few hours later, I’m at work and receive an apology text. I replied with pure emotion and didn’t even wait till I thought out what I wanted to say. I had an emotional purge which was long overdue. I basically told him all the things that I’ve said here. I told him that he keeps apologizing for doing the same thing but he keeps doing the same damn thing which makes the apology useless. I told him that the little amount of time we spend together and all I ever asked for were small things, never too much nor anything that I don’t think he can actually handle. Maybe I’m wrong there. I also told him that he makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth while he’s sitting right next to me. Then I apologized for not being bright or shiny or new anymore but he needed to start showing me that he cares even the tiniest amount.

Basically, yet again, I was the most honest with him than I’ve been with anyone and explaining that all I want to do is get some semblance of a connection of what we used to have. I ripped myself open and showed my vulnerability again and what did I get in return… NOT A FUCKING WORD.

Literally not one more thing was said after that. I didn’t get an apology, an explanation, a “fuck off”. I got nothing. What’s the worst thing that you can say to someone who’s just been completely honest with you? NOTHING.

I’m disgusted with myself for trying, caring or even assuming that things could actually get better between us. The saddest part of all of this is that I would be his greatest ally, his loudest cheerleader, his best friend if he could just do the smallest of things. I wouldn’t question our friendship, requests nor favors if it actually seemed like it wasn’t all just for killing time for him.

The worst part was I actually brought up money. I basically said I’d spend almost $100.00 on an evening that I was ignored the entire time. I hate that. 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER looked at things like that but his complacency has me doing that. I needed him to understand and see things from my perspective. But then I got home, knowing he was still here because he’s lost my key, and realizing that he had ever opportunity to response to another vulnerable conversation but he chose to be on my computer and his two phones the entire day.

Out of all the things I’ve tried to ignore or work through internally or fight for with us and I am not even worth listening to or responding to. This is not a fault or flaw of my own. This is entirely on him and why he feels the need to either push away or smash me in to the ground so far that I end up only crying over my stupid decisions. NO ONE DESERVES THAT TYPE OF HATRED OR DISRESPECT FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING WHO’S BEEN KIND, LOVING AND CARING TO THEM. NO ONE!

All I do know at the end of this day is that I love myself way too much to do this ever again. There is literally no amount of love that you can give someone enough to make them love you back even in the smallest of ways. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

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Synchronicity and secrets…

My weekend was good. It was really good. First, I didn’t stayed locked in my home as expected. I ventured out quite a bit. I saw the new guy a couple times and we had a lot of fun. There was no x-rated fun, yet but I’m looking forward to the anticipation. And seriously I’ve been on a self induced sexual hiatus for so long even if it’s bad, it’s going to be good.

I’ve talked about this before as well but being someone who’s been in situations that weren’t my fault makes it extremely hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. I don’t know this new guy enough yet but we’re learning from each other. One thing that those close to me are is synchronized. It’s like, you get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and one goes for the bowls and the other gets the cereal. Then swap and one goes for the milk and the other gets the spoons without a word. I find that I have that with really close people in my life. Mainly my BFF, GBF and my friend I just went into business with. It’s a good feeling when you’re that close that you know what each other is thinking.

Like I said, the new guy and I are no where near that yet and I think if we were I’d probably be a bit scared since it’s not been that long. I’m ok with slow and steady wins the race though. Each time we talk or hang out I find out something new to like about him. One thing he did that I appreciated was he kept a promise. I made him promise that if I ever did anything that he didn’t like or wasn’t sure about then to bring it up. We’d discuss it and if I understood where he was coming from I’d agree to change it.

His issue wasn’t what was sweet about it though. We were in his car, just parked and he turned to me, lighting sandwiches my cheeks in his hands and said, “Babe, you asked me to bring things up that bother me. I’m about to do that, ok?” I lightly nodded my head and he said that he was bothered that he was always the one to reach out to me and he wished that I reached out to him because other wise he just feels like he’s bothering me.

Okay, so obviously I’ve heard this before. In fact, the two most succinct people in my life say it all the time, my BFF and my GBF so I’m aware that this is an issue. But this is going to take some training on my part. I’ve also had some ex’s say the same thing but I didn’t really care about it then because I knew things weren’t going to last. This time around though I want to fix it. Baby steps though… That’s all we’re looking for right now.

The next part is tricky. Because of my failure to communicate it leaves a lot of secrets in my closet. I’ve explained that there’s only two people in my life who know as much as they do about me. One is my BFF and I’ve never regretted telling her a thing. The other, is THE friend who never cared that he was trusted with my secrets so all those are regrets that I told him any of them. But the latter being what it is it makes me wary to open up again about some of that stuff. It was probably the most painful things that I trusted him with and he made me regret it so I’m really not wanting history to repeat itself BUT in the same breath I want to be open.

This is a weird predicament that I’m in right now. I feel something new for this new guy but it’s too soon to tell what that is yet and we don’t have history. We don’t have stories or anecdotes yet… It’s exciting to get to know someone on a deeper level but it’s also pretty terrifying too.

I guess I’m still in my juvenile learning curve but thankfully I’m further on than I was before. Maybe what I had with THE friend was what I needed but with training wheels and now I’ve found someone that doesn’t come with training wheels and that actually cares to learn about me, spend time with me finding things out about me and getting to a point where anything with THE friend doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’ve said before that most relationships except the really special ones have an expiration date of three years for me. Well, as much as it seems like THE friend and I have been doing our weird dance for much longer it’s about to be three years. Being able to know when he’ll cancel or why he’ll cancel only proves that I know much more about him than he’s ever know about me. I have definitely reached a point where I’m done with all the crap that we BOTH have given to each other. I’m done being the loneliest person in the world sitting right next to him. I’m done with the, “something way better came up so even though you keep our ‘dates’ I’m going to cancel on you again”. I’m done with being able to predict the bad and it always coming true.

Maybe if we make it passed the three year hump then I’ll calm down a bit but history does tend to repeat itself. I’m sure it’s about time that he tries to replace our friendship with some other woman soon. Talk about losing that lovin’ feeling. I guess my song lyrics have finally caught up with his.

Ask me on a good day if I wished things were so different with us and I’d say, “Hell yes”. Ask me on the same good day that if I had the chance to start over with THE friend my answer would also be the same. Ask me on a really really good day if I’d like the new guy and THE friend to switch positions and on a great day, I’d say absolutely but he and I haven’t shared a great, really good or even just a good day together in such a long time I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Today was a strange day on all fronts and I’m exhausted and a little school girl happy. Can’t rewrite history nor change your future or your expectations…. That’s all I know tonight.

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This is a 2% happy post and 98% something else…

First I’ll get to the good stuff. The new guy and I have been chatting and flirting and it’s been so great. He says stuff that just makes me smile immediately. I loved that he was in a meeting today and just couldn’t stop texting me and he was leading it. We haven’t gotten to make plans yet and that’s on me because, honestly, I’m scared. And here’s where I’ll be as honest as hell with you all… I’m scared to death of being hurt, of hurting him or of it turning out like THE friend. That’s where this turns from the great to making me cry, again.

I honestly thought that, first, THE friend would forget about our “appointmented Sunday’s” and I wouldn’t see him yesterday which I would have been pissed about but am used to that. Then I assumed that my happy mood would be enough to carry me through if THE friend did anything upsetting. He didn’t forget and just showed up which wasn’t a “first thought pop by” so not on my list because I basically thought that I’d be doing something different last night as an alternative plan. I was happy to see him until the exact same stuff happened.

He walked in, went straight to the kitchen and then got on his phone. I swear it literally wouldn’t make a different if I was here or not. In fact, here are our statistics. Out of the time he’s at my home we spent maybe 25% of that together. The rest of the time I’m either asleep or at work. Out of that 25% he spends 23% of that on his phone talking to EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD but the one sitting right next to him and out of that last 2% that he might actually be speaking to me he’s saying insulting things 1.5% of the time. And not one single time that I’ve brought this up has he EVER looked at things from my perspective Which I have tried to do so many times.

Then he has the nerve to bring up other things he does with other people that actually entail him having fun, talking without his phone cemented in his hand and him spending money on things that don’t really seem as important as other things in his life.

So, way back when between mutual friends of ours and a few callous emails from an anonymous source I was warned. I was warned that he’d use me, throw me away like yesterday’s trash when someone else came alone and would never repay his words or keep promises. I was told that, “chances are he’ll never really care about you”. I was also told that he didn’t keep good company most of the time. Was always focused on the next piece of ass he could get and that he would never take any responsibility for any hurt he causes what-so-ever.

First, every single time someone we mutually knew said these things I’d tell them to go eff themselves because I didn’t believe he was like that. I believed that he was in a bad place and wasn’t going to just write him off because of how others viewed him. That wouldn’t have been fair, then or now. I ignored the emails from whoever was bitter enough to try to spreed their hate. I was also told, at one point, that the person I was speaking with actually gained some respect for him because he and I were friends and because I wasn’t like some of the “friends” that he usually spent his time with.

The only thing those words ever did was make me feel worse about myself or make me want to help him to prove his “friends” wrong about who they thought he was. Even now, that I feel some of those things I would still never spew hate or talk badly about him because regardless of what they thought or think they don’t know “us”. They don’t know the times that he actually clean up after both of us. The times when I was important enough to just randomly send a nice text to. The times that he made a mix CD never being asked. The times that he brought and made dinner. The times when he actually thought outside the box. The times when staying over, sleeping on my couch, eating all my food and ignoring me was never even thought about.

This time around he couldn’t even have cared to put on a shirt that wasn’t stained or torn. He, so intricately placed all of his items down as if he’s done this at hundreds of women’s home except… They don’t get ignored. They get the nice side of him. I literally feel as though he saves every last breath of horrible crap to take out on me so that he can save the good stuff up for every other person in his life.

I’m pissed because NO ONE should EVER make you feel like this. This is wicked and horrible and I’m so tired of caring about it especially when I know that I’ve NEVER done anything to him that would have ever hurt him even a tiny bit like this. I’ve NEVER treated him so bad that it’s made him cry. He has never acted like he’s cared as little as he does right now. If he was standing in front of me I’d probably push him or scream or something that’s out of character for me because I’m so angry. I’m angry that I still care way more than he ever has. I’m angry because I’m not worth a fucking thing to him. I feel like I’m that annoying layover flight before you get to where you actually want to go. WHO THE FUCK MAKES PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THAT?

Here’s the thing. I’ve said this so many times before but this has NEVER been about feelings that he so obviously was never going to reciprocate it’s always and is only about how you treat people that you “claim” to care about and that are supposedly like “family” to you. We don’t even fight anymore because there’s nothing left to fight for.

So here I am with a double edged sword. It’s obvious that I still love and care for him and unlike him when I’m angry the first thing I don’t do it spew out “fuck you. why even do this anymore if you can’t just get over shit”. (I’m paraphrasing a previous argument). Instead, I’m realizing that because of this new guy and how he’s handling things, even when I say I JUST want to be friends right now, is completely different than anything that THE friend has ever done.

THE friend was too embarrassed to introduce me to any of his friends or family. The new guy is nice when he knows there’s no reason to be except because he’s actually just nice. I’m not trying to intentionally compare the two because every single relationship is different but, as someone who’s a friend, I know what I deserve out of any relationship.

I know that a week ago I was ready to help THE friend out in a way I knew I’d never be paid back for. That was just a week ago. I know that six months ago I was so happy that we’d found our way back to each other again after a hiatus that HE took. I know that two years ago I was ready to live with him, put him on insurance and do other things that I’ve never considered before.

Lets turn the tables… What do I know about him and his feelings towards me? I know that he ONLY reaches out to me when he might need help. I know that he shows up when he hasn’t found something else to occupy his time. I know that he must treat every other person in his life better than this and that he doesn’t have any problems hanging out with others, their family and their friends. I know that his priorities are no where close to where mine are with our relationship.

I also know that I’ve been praying a lot and what I have prayed for is to be made for certain that he cares because his action don’t show that to me at all and I was sent an opportunity to meet someone that acts truly different when we’re talking or around each other. So my interpretation is that instead of THE friend showing me how he feels, I was sent someone who shows me what I deserve.

I’m not a victim. I could at any point say I’m done and be done. I could go on with the rest of my life knowing that I did everything that I could do and that should have been enough and that you can’t please everyone especially when your “new and shiny appeal” wears off. I would miss him and what we USED to be but I would be ok. But I also know that because I’m still pissed about it and because I’m still crying over it that I still care.

He wasn’t the first man that I was ever in love with but for the longest time I wished that he would be the last one that I found. He was the first man that I said those words too ever. He was the first man that I’ve let share my space. He was the first man that I ever gave a key to which he’s lost which is a bit symbolic I guess. I know that I’ve passed up a lot of opportunities in my life over these last years because of him. I’ve given up relationships, jobs, moving out of this town and many nights or memories with a lot of other people because I’ve put him first above and beyond anything else and the irony of it all is that he’s done NONE of that for me. He’s never given up a thing.

Being fair he’s never asked me too but I’m pretty sure he’s know it. The last vestige of this relationship was the “secret” time we spend on his appointment Sunday’s which he shows up ever few weeks to now and he can’t even muster enough strength to be nice to me in the 2% of time that he actually has to charge his phone and possibly converse with me. That makes me feel pretty low right now and that’s so fucking sad. I remember a time that he’d say something crappy and realize later that it was wrong and he’d actually apologize for it and I believed it. But now, it’s passed in the wind as if nothing wrong was done on his part. I’ve never even considered saying things half as bad to him because I actually DON’T want to hurt him. Why does it feel like he has to take everything out on me?

Since my prayers, I suppose, have been answered I have no idea what to pray for next. I do know that regardless of how I feel right now which is so fucking horrible that I still sing his praises to every one else. BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE! I’m sure that it matters even less right now as I won’t see him for weeks again.

I honestly felt like THE friend could have been the “new guy” in my life for a long time or ever and I’m sad that I don’t feel that at all right now. I wish things were different with us more than anything else in my life right now. I wish that his action mirrored his, once long ago words, about how important I was. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just sent him this site and make him understand what he does whether knowingly or not. I wished he’d understand my perspective as much as I’ve tried to understand his situation. I wish he gave a shit… That’s all.

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Showing Signs of Signs…?

So you all know how I feel about “signs” and destiny, karma and all that jazz right? Well, I’d asked for a sign the other night, feeling like I’ve reached my limit on my love life and today pops up a little message on my phone. “Dan’s Birthday”. He’s my ex. I didn’t look at that as a sign right then but I’ve not spoken to him in a while so I’d politely texted him a birthday message and his reply was, “Let me take you out for one drink tonight”. I begrudgingly said ok and then didn’t really think about things until I was on my way around four this afternoon.

When I got there, it was awkward at first. His hug was stiff and almost never-ending. I could tell he’d already had a few drinks from the smell on his breath. Okay, so this must be a weird thing for me but it’s a total turn-on when a man’s breath smells of spirits… His smelled like beer, but even so I still liked it. We’d sat and chatted for a bit. He asked about life, work and all things. I talked about work mostly and he said that he was jealous that I had a career, not that he wasn’t happy for me but that he wished he did something that he liked. I told him that I have my moments but I liked that he was inquisitive. I liked that he asked me questions and actually wanted to hear the answers.

Another thing that I like is that he had a no phones rule. He actually just leaves his phone at home when we go somewhere. That’s a nice change. So, I abide with his rules because it’s nice to have a conversation with full attention. We then left to go to a small friends bar down the road. While it’s a bar that I’ve taken a lot of dates to, it’s also a bar that I’ve taken a lot of friends too and they all seem to like it.

We walked in, sat at a 2 seated table with an intimate setting. I knew that probably wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. At first, with no phone to instantly distract from the initial awkwardness I could just feel his eyes burning through me. It was a strange but amazing feeling. There I as, sitting at the table with someone who truly is in love with me. Who loves my company and who tries everything in his power to make me share those feelings too and it’s a nice thing to have that. It’s been too long.

After just a few moments of weird, we began chatting about all things. Him more but I loosened up after a few infamous bar drinks. Then, at one point, he just looked at me and said that he could get lost in my eyes forever, that they were mystical. The yearning to hear compliments had become too much to resist his at that very moment. I didn’t even blush I just smiled and sighed as I knew where this was going but then I started thinking about things. I started thinking about just how much I need to hear the words, “I Love You” right now in my life. I started thinking about just how much I needed someone to treat me with respect and admiration and acknowledge that I wasn’t an appointment to be kept, an annoyance to deal with in order to get something needed from. I need to be loved in a way that I’ve either not had lately or I’ve pushed away previously and I needed that with someone who was honest and kind and compassionate.

Most of the things that I’ve asked for lately were sitting right in front of me right then. I had this strange “life flashing before me” moment and I quickly saw this picture of us in the future. We were sitting outside under a tree and he was playing his acoustic guitar and I was laying down next to him smiling. I saw this and I was confused whether that’s what I wanted, or if it was him I wanted or needed it with.

My mind is jumbled lately because I’ve not been getting the things in my life that are needed to be emotionally healthy. I need intimacy, sex and most of all love. I need it in such a way that I don’t have to question it. I don’t need it all the time, everyday but I do need it. That’s the part that I understand now. I also need a mature relationship. I need one that helps me grow, mature and be better than I was the day before. I need someone who supports me and still accepts me for who I am and encourages me to be someone I want to be in the future. But in the smallest, cheesiest way some days, I just need someone to give me a strong, firm hug and maybe hold my hand while I’m going through shitty things.

I understand now that the true and lasting love isn’t the one that knocks you on your ass and shakes you to the core. Sometimes, it’s the love that settles in a firm and mutually respectful place. It’s the love that’s honest and caring. It’s the one that will protect you, make you feel better and brush that hair from your face on a windy day. It’s doesn’t have to be the one that feels like it’s ripping out your guts. But what the hell do I know about love? Maybe nothing but I do know what I need.

So, is it him? I don’t know but I’m ready to find out I guess. I need to make sure that it’s not because he’s the only man standing in my corner right now. Once I figure that out I guess I’ll know for sure. I might just be about to start a new journey… We’ll see when the liquor filled smoke clears later.

I find myself too wired for sleep. We’ll see what kind of trouble I can get into until I sleep.

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