It’s a day away from Thanksgiving where it’s all about thankfulness and giving and family and friends and gathering. I can’t actually tell how excited I am. I’m actually doing a quick turnaround trip going to the family Thursday morning and back home by Friday afternoon. My boss asked if it was because my family was getting on my nerves and my reply was, “No but this is how they don’t” I also told him he was getting on my nerves though. Luckily he’ll be leaving tomorrow for a week. This only reminds me that I am in need of a vacation so bad.
I am looking forward to seeing my family, mostly my niece but will enjoy the rest as well. My biggest issue with all of them is that they passively aggressively ask me about my dating life. I really can’t stand that. If I ever get to the point to introduce them to someone I’m dating then maybe they’ll be quiet. I just haven’t ever been at that point.
When my crazy friend and I went to stay at my brothers a few weeks ago there was this point where she and my brother were talking in the kitchen while I was out on the trampoline. She said they were talking about me and my reply was, “Nope, nope you weren’t and no I don’t want to know”. I really don’t think some people understand just how secret I like to live my life. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong it’s just that it’s no one else’s business. If I want to talk about those things then I will.
I would say that out of all my social media crap I use Instagram the most and at best I only post 2% of my life on there. I don’t really know where this secrecy came from or why but some of it comes from the fact that when I do mention something that makes me happy it does seem to go away. Like there’s some sort of spell on me. I’m aware that sounds bat-shit and paranoid but I don’t really think someone put a spell on me but I do believe in bad energy from others seeping into my world which is probably why I try to do so much good.
The last time I was really having a good time… towards the beginning of this year. When the drummer and I were spending time together. At first, I didn’t tell anyone and especially my crazy friend. One day she’d seem some messages come through my phone that he’d sent that pretty much confirmed what we were doing and then she knew. I actually hated that she did. I hated that THE friend knew about us but I didn’t want to go to the drummers shows alone because that appeared to girlfriend-like.
The only friend that I didn’t mind going with me was Dan and that was because he could read aura’s which he did and that’s a whole other post there. But once the crazy friend knew she was always asking what was going on and what we were doing. Sometimes she’d ask and I’d just sit there and stare at her until she’d ask something else.
I have this one friend of mine that is like a little sister to me. She’s the one that I’ve written about when we have our New Years tradition and one that didn’t wait for a man to get her pregnant and decided to have a baby on her own. I get to be his auntie too. But she hears some of my stories about the people around me especially my crazy friend and she always asks me why I continue to stay around these people because they don’t appear to be that great. She’s never been a fan of my ex Dan either because I was so much younger than him when we were together. I don’t agree with that position but she can have her own opinion.
Anyway, it seemed like the more and more the crazy friend asked about the drummer and I the less and less time we got to spend together. After one night that she’d come with me to his show and she actually saw us interact together I think she got jealous because then she’d always talk about all these messages he send her and the fact that she just ignores them. I told her the last time we spoke that if she was trying to imply that he was flirting with her every time he reached out to invite her to a show that I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that’s the last time we’ve spoken really.
The drummer and I haven’t seen each other since I went with Dan 2 months ago. About a week after that the drummer asked me to meet him on a Friday, I think and then I never heard from him again that night. Two months goes by and no apology and no explanation. I was pissed at first but excused it away. Then, last week, I get a message from him asking “Are you alive?” After we bantered for a minute or two he’d said he missed me which would have been great to hear if it wasn’t followed by asking for a favor.
I understand that he’s having issues in life right now. I get that and I am sympathetic which is why I never bitched about what he did. However, I’ve spent months excusing his behavior and actions away. Add that to the fact that for two months of silence I get to hear from my crazy friend that he’s been reaching out to her… Yeah, I’m not that girl who deals with that.
He then had the nerve to say that I’d promised something and hadn’t delivered. Here’s the thing. I HAD delivered and I probably could deliver again on that promise except why would I continue to go out of my way to help someone who’s NEVER truly treated me like a friend. So we have a few great nights together but he also made a promise to me and I’m pretty sure that’s been broken for months now. I made him promise that when this was over for him he’d tell me out of courtesy… Never happened and he expects me to show up to every single show like a loyal puppy… I refuse to be a mistress.
I’ve always been well aware that this “FWB’s” was NEVER about the friend piece for him and it’s always been pretty one sided. He’s never gone out of his way for me. We barely speak to each other and we certainly don’t confide in each other. I feel betrayed by someone that I was willing to be a loyal and private confidant to and to help out more than he would ever know going above and beyond what he ever thought. All I truly feel is hurt, lied to and fucking stupid.
I feel stupid because I’ve let someone take advantage of me because I felt some fucking stupid connection to. Apparently I was the only one that felt that connection truly because his side all seems like bullshit now. He’ll never know that he’s really hurt me and I tried, for the longest time to excuse all his actions away except the only explanation is Occam’s Razor. The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct.
So basically we’ve not seem each other in over two months because he didn’t want to. We don’t talk because he didn’t want to. I’ve always told him that he’s the one with the busy life so it would be up to him to reach out and in the beginning that was the case. Then he disappeared like he never existed in my life.
Strangely, in my weird world, if he and I were just dating I’d write one line about him and move on but because I tried so hard to be friends first that’s where this stings. I’d shared things with him I’d never told anyone whether he remembers or not. All the things he told me stayed secret in my head, not to be shared with anyone because I am loyal and even now that whatever we were is officially over it will still never pass these lips. I won’t speak ill of him to anyone and I will miss watching him play at his shows. I will miss talking him up to strangers and I will miss those moments that we shared when no one else was around. I might even cry for those moments but I have so little patience for anyone who treats people like shit.
I’m so mad at myself here too because I didn’t see him like this at all. I honestly thought he was a good human. I thought that he had some damage from him past and that impacted the way he trusted people but I, in my soul, believe he was a good person who wouldn’t hurt me. The hardest part here is that’s all he’s done now.
I know that it’s hard to believe that I didn’t love him, yet. I mean I was in a lot of “like” with him but we never got close enough for me to feel anything more than a friend to him and like I said that’s the part that sucks the worst. I gave a lot of myself to him and did things that I’ve never done before because I felt close to him. I haven’t felt that closeness to him for awhile though and short of some miracle that occurs on his part it’s just over. There’s no discussion, there’s no finality or closure… It’s just done.
My Shaman once told me that the drummer was actually in love with me but like me, he runs from emotions and feelings. She said that he was stuck in his situation and that once he actually stopped for a moment and truly felt his feelings then things would change and that I’d get closer to him and we’d make each others lives better. She’s never been wrong before and for a while I wished that she wouldn’t be wrong now except I have very little patience for someone that uses someone and that treats someone who’s never done anything to them poorly.
So, I knew that I hadn’t written in a while and I knew that some of you had emailed and asked so I thought that I’d write one last post about him for closure. Yes I’m sad. No, I’m not heartbroken. Yes I’m pissed. I wish him true happiness. I wish that he figures out what he wants and needs in his life. I wish that he never feel the way that he’s made me feel but do want him to realize that he’s lost someone whom he should have treated a lot better than he did. I want him to have joy in his life, so much joy. I gave him something once that was made out of amethyst. It’s supposed to protect him from bad energy, give him positivity and protection. Maybe I should have kept that for myself the way I feel right now.
That’s what’s going on in my world that’s on my mind tonight. I will feel this and move on like I always do. Tomorrow is a new day. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and I am grateful that you all come here and interact with me. I thank you for all the amazing emails and comments (sorry I don’t post them all). I still believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and going through everything that I’m supposed to go through I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.