Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.


#TimesUp – Women’s March

I’m here. Here with women on a day where the power of a woman is unmeasurable.
There’s so much pink, and power and pride.
I have silently screamed for so long and now… I’m done. I will be loud.

#TimesUp – The first time.
I was 10 and cute and innocent.
What one should be at that age.
We were all playing.
Me, my brother and our babysitter.
Parents are out and I was being a kid, a child.
“It’s time for bed”, he said.
I remember going to bed in my nightgown.
My 10 year old kids nightgown.
What happened next made me age beyond years.
He touched and “played”.
He made it sound fun.
I knew it was something that it shouldn’t be.
He had no right!
But not the worst that happened.
I woke up and it felt like everyone knew.
But no one spoke about it.
I was told later, “We knew something happened but we just didn’t have him babysit again”.
But for years I thought that my mind was sick.
I thought that I’d made it all up.
I must have.
No one’s confirmed.
Years go by.
15 years go by.
I met a girl that knew me.
I met a girl that knew him.
She had the same memories.
She had the same babysitter.
I finally knew I wasn’t crazy.
But then it just felt like I was lost and alone.
Ignorance doesn’t make it go away.
Ignorance doesn’t make it feel better.
Ignorance made it happen to many others.

Fuck you ignorance.

Fuck you babysitter.

Fuck you memories.

#TimesUp – The second time.
He was a neighbor.
I let him in my home.
He brought a friend.
He left knowing his friend was not a friend of mine.
It was on a pool table.
It was unkind.
It was painful.
It was my fault?
I was silent. Again.

Fuck you neighbor!

Fuck you neighbor’s friend!

Fuck you silence!

#TimesUp – The third time.
He was a boss.
I was much older this time.
I was much stronger this time.
I held my own.
But it didn’t stop his attempts.
Over and over and over again.
But would I have let things go on as long if I wasn’t jaded by the first time or the second time?
This would go on for years.
But I figured out his other dirty secret and then it all stopped.

Fuck you boss!

Fuck you secrets!

Fuck you again!

I am NOT a victim.

#TimesUp – The four and fifth and sixth and…. times.
The guy in the parking lot that wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
The guy that fucks you to use you.
The guy that grabs you unasked.
The guy that loves you to use you.
The guy that leaves you to do it to someone else.
The guys that shroud their ignorance with excuses.

The guys that made it impossible for me to love fully and unconditionally. The guys that made it impossible for me to trust another.

I think, in the last 10 years I’ve known one man who made me feel whole again. He made me feel beautiful and strong and like I wasn’t the most fucked up person. He’s accepting and honest and kind and beautiful. He loves me and he tells me. He’s not afraid. He’s got the best soul and he makes me feel like I’m not broken. He’s a true beautiful soul. He’s a true believer in women. He’s my ex and my best friend and maybe one day we’ll be more when we’re both ready but for now. He’s just Dan.

I only bring Dan up because on a day that seems like such a powerful day for women I thought I’d give a shout out to one man that truly stands up for women. He’s the first and only real man that I know. I wish that wasn’t true. I wish I knew more but I am grateful for him because he makes all the times above feel like they never happened. He’s my blessing.

That’s what I have to say as the first post in a long time. So much has changed and maybe I’ll get back into writing. Maybe I won’t. But I just needed to put my blessing out in the world today.


Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.


Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.



Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.


I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.


The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.


Weekend breakdown without an actual breakdown…

This post is being started before a workout and birthday dinner and finish after hopefully so I’m not sure where this will all go.

This weekend had a lot to offer with no expectations. I knew before I’d even left work on Friday that my plate was full, I just wasn’t sure what it was full of. I came home first and took a small nap then got up, showered and got ready for dinner with the new guy. This was our first real official date-like date. I wore a skirt… This does not happen that much but I felt pretty. My hair was working with me and my makeup was understated. I was under no expectation that this would go well or be anything.

He picked me up, which I usually don’t like (it’s a control thing where I like to drive). We went to a nice restaurant downtown. He brought one flower which I left in his car and wore a suit. He valeted the car and made sure he motioned to the valet to let him open my door. We went inside, sat at our reserved table and just started connecting. He’d asked how my day was and didn’t settle for “fine”. We were already, quickly making plans for the next day but I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night.

On one of our many conversations previously, I’d mentioned a tiny bit of my history and he understands. Plus, we still don’t know each other that much but I will say when it does happen with him or anyone else I’m going to insatiable and probably won’t be able to stop. It’s just getting to that point, like a comical cartoon of fireworks. It’s not that he’s not attractive nor that I’m not attracted to him but I just don’t want to rush into anything. I see how well that turned out for me in the past.

I’ve talked about this before, that most of my meaningful relationships that were sexual were actually friends first then something more. The first man I was in love with and I had no type of sexual relationship for the first six months and it built up so much that it was great when we finally did. I’m just trying not to make mistakes here.

We ended up closing the restaurant down and not realizing it. I actually felt like we were having such a great time that I didn’t want it to end but knew it had to. Can’t move too fast here so he dropped me off but by the time we were done just sitting in his car talking it was early morning. He kissed my forehead and cheek and made sure that we were going to meet “for sure” the next day (or later that day).

I came in and just immediately got undressed, took my sleeping pill and just sat in a bath for a little while, while going over the evening. Parts of it were making me smile to myself like an idiot. There’s still nothing that I don’t like yet. Some of the things he says though are just uninhibitedly amazing. Like he has no filter but it’s all good stuff. He still touches at the right time and in the right way. It’s a strange thing. Is it possible that he might be too perfect?

So the next morning I was up way too early and before I knew it we were already on our way to an Octoberfest that my work was doing something for so I was at the beach and I was happy. We walked around and ate a little, drank a little and talked about going to another festival back in town that work was doing as well but I didn’t want to leave the beach. There was a third one that was north of where we both live that was a music festival which we’d talked about but I’d gotten a call from a girl friend saying that she’d had a really bad day and wanted to see if we could get together. I felt like I wasn’t ready to have him be my festival buddy totally yet so I told him that we’d end the day so I could see to my friend. He understood and now, because he’s inquisitive, he probably knows more about her than he does me.

I came home, did a quick change and went to my friends house. Her mom was there watching her baby and she and I chatted a while while my friend got ready. When she finally came down we were off to dinner where she and I both had a drink (have seriously had more drinks this week than this whole year). She told me about her really crappy day the day before. She’s gotten into a hit and run accident in her new car. Then her doctor had told her that the chances of her having another baby were much smaller than she’d thought. I felt like saying, “some of us have the reproductive system of a 20 year old (per my doctor) but have no viable options at this moment as to bring a child into this world with”. But I didn’t. I did tell her that she should have hope and that on the off chance that she doesn’t have another child she’s already made one pretty amazing one.

After that point she’d decided that she wanted to keep drinking. Since I was driving and she was actually starting to feel better I’d agreed and we were off to a bar. The conversation was getting pretty personal on her end and she was saying how much she appreciated that whenever she felt bad I was always there to take her out and make her feel better. That was nice to hear but she kept throwing out all these nice things and for some reason it was just making me feel strange. I think it just felt nice to be needed by a friend at that moment. I’m not sure.

By the time we left there it was also early morning and she was very, very drunk but happy. We sat in her driveway for a moment and sang stupid karaoke songs that we both knew and that made us both happy. We like doing stupid kid shit together, sans the drinking sometimes. She’d thanked me repeatedly for making her feel better and by he time she was drained enough to pass out and I was on my way home I was started to feel so very tired but my brain wouldn’t shut off.

I’d had a great evening the night before on my date. I’d had a great day on another date and at the beach and I’d ended the day with a good night with a friend who needed me. But my mind was racing. It wasn’t thinking about any of that. It was thinking about someone else that doesn’t give me the same courtesy.

Seriously, why? WHY? WHY? WHY? And yes, say that in a childish voice and stomp your foot. I meet this great guy who I’m having fun with and it has potential. It has so much potential. But what’s on my mind is that I sent THE friend a truthful message days before which he’s ignored. IGNORED. And I was sure that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him on our “Sunday”… We’ll get to that later.

I woke up Sunday and realized that I was exhausted from the weekend already but I had more things to do. I went with another friend to go check out this expensive car collection and get brunch. We chatted for a bit and he was trying to make plans with me next month and my mind is still swimming back to the shallow end. I was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy but it wasn’t working. I decided to cut our day short so I could take a nap and shower and thought maybe that would help.

Instead, I took a long bath, watched a movie and then get a sudden text from THE friend that he was on his way soon. My mind went straight to, “Are you kidding me?” “Who totally ignores a written emotional cry for help for this friendship and then acts as though it never happened?” Um, him. That’s who. So I said, to myself, that I was going to enjoy the evening whether I feel like I’m doing it all alone for not.

He shows up, makes a sandwich and sits at my computer. I thought my head was going to explode so I went out for a cigarette. But he was acting like he was trying to not do or say anything wrong, on egg shells. We do this to each other way too much. But each time I wanted to say something or something was upsetting me I would just go outside for a cigarette. It’s my escape and I know that. I don’t even enjoy it anymore but it’s the only way that I felt to get out of a situation that could erupt. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe we just need to blow up at each other. At least I’d get to see some sort of emotions from him. At least something would seem to matter to him.

I guess that’s a pretty effed up thing to think but we’re so stuck. I’ve heard of a three year itch in marriage but we’re not even anything anymore. It’s painful to watch this happen, as if I was a fly on the wall watching us. What am I even here for? There’s no communication, there’s no intimacy. It’s like two strangers sitting next to each other who just happen to be eating alone at a restaurant.

At one point he’d mentioned this line that he’d picked up from a commercial or something about the more scared someone gets the stupider the things they do are. For one moment I thought, is that your explanation? If so then what the hell are you scared about? Then I realized that was my girl-brain trying to analyze something that had nothing to do with me and I stopped. I would occasionally pick up my phone and smile about the guy that was missing me that I might find some joy with. And even less occasionally I’d write him back.

I’m so very confused because I have the opportunity to be with someone who’s has everything that I’m looking for. He’s so very happy to see me. We make each other laugh and smile. We WANT to be in each others company and all I can think about is, what the hell has happened to this relationship with THE friend that’s made this whole thing so convoluted. We spend only a few hours with each other once a week or every three weeks and I have a better relationship with my post man.

So I tried one more time to explain without anger what I’m feeling and I, again, got nothing. There’s a girl out there that he confides in, that he says good morning to, that he asks how her day was. I’m not asking to be that girl. I’m just asking to be that friend that was once worth more than ignoring, more than just a tap on the shoulder as he goes for the fridge. I’m asking to be a friend. Just because it takes only minutes for our text conversations to disappear from my view doesn’t mean they disappear from my mind. out of all the things that I could actually wish for right now, it’s to fix us but that’s pointless if I’m the only one who thinks something’s broken.

This is not me wanting what I don’t have. I’ve never “had” him but what we had used to be a lot better than this and if this is all there is then seriously, what’s the point. Why am I the only one who feels any pain because of this at all? I’m not even sure he’d notice if I moved away right now. I feel like I want to scream, “What the hell did I do to you that this is where we are?” and then I realize that I don’t have this with anyone else. And then I think if this is just this is that ok?… That’s my unanswered question this evening.

If there’s a friendship that’s dying in the woods but no ones around to hear me cry, does it actually matter? (That’s my second unanswered question this evening.)


The Final Finale of the Ex… and other things.

“Close your eyes. Imagine you wake up inside a box. The box is thick and leaves no room for movement. You’re stuck. The box is either too hot or too cold. It’s hard and unforgiving. It’s constricting. It’s claustrophobic. During the daylight you’re confined to see the world through cracks and at night you dream. You dream about being a child and running and jumping and playing only to wake up and remember that you’re living a nightmare and you feel like this will be your coffin. Now open you’re eyes and realize that your body is that boxed coffin.”

About a year ago, I started to write that above with the thought that my BFF would no longer be able to work due to her illness (multiple sclerosis). That she’d need a way to pay bills and thought about doing some sort of “Go Fund Me” page or something. She would have never let me, realistically because she’s too proud to ask for help. This is a commonality that we both share. However, this is either proud or stupid.

The way my brain works is that it shuts out everyone and pushes them all away when I feel like I might just need them the most. I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or if it’s to prove that they actually truly care. Sometimes I think that if they can break down my walls then they’re meant to be here and if they don’t or can’t then maybe they’re not. This past weekend was a fine example of all of that. There was bad news, after bad news, after bad situations that kept occurring and by the time Monday rolled around I’d decided that I was no longer going to answer my phone, check my mail or remove myself from my bed. Well, I made the mistake of moving and actually went to work. After the weekend of some bad news, a lot of pain physically and a small argument I decided that maybe work would be best to change my opinion of things.

That actually didn’t work and put me in bed the next day. All day. Avoiding everything that came my way. I did, however, come to the conclusion that the man that saves me from myself one day will probably be the one I’m meant to be with and the ex wasn’t cutting it at all.

It’s funny. My BFF and I have this movie that we watch all the time because it reminds us of each other. The Sweetest Thing. I am Christina Applegate and she is Cameron Diaz. In the movie Christina’s character says, “Don’t name the puppy” speaking of men. You’re not supposed to name them, that’s when things get serious. I find that I do the opposite though. I named the ex and now he’s is so far behind in the rear view mirror it was almost funny how fast it went.

He probably dodged a bullet, in my opinion. The truth is, he annoyed me. I knew it was happening the moment I wrote the last post. You can’t force fate, love or anything really. I suppose this might just mean that I won’t get any sort of ending at all, whether it be happy or not. His downfall was of no fault of his own. He was just being him and to me that’s not what I wanted in a forever. I could probably pick out three friends that I could see him with before me and that should have been a sign.

I haven’t seen him since his birthday and I won’t again. I think I get some sort of clarity when I’m just about to drift off to sleep. That’s when I tend to see things clearly and then again, reiterated in my dreams. There’s a sort of comfort that comes from having guest appearances in my dreams by people I’ve never met but somehow know.

Right now I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of wondering “What’s next”. I’m tired of being proved right about things that I wish I wasn’t right about. Do you know how hard it is to find a selfless man out there? Do you know how hard it is to find someone that can see past their own needs, wants and desires for just a few moments to understand that maybe, it’s time to actually pay back some kindness and not monetarily?

If I could teach my niece a few things about love I’d tell her this…

Don’t fall for the man who uses people like you use things.
Don’t fall for a man who doesn’t know your worth.
Don’t fall for a man who promises things and doesn’t deliver.
Don’t fall for a man that lies to you because you’ll never trust him again.
Don’t fall for a man who only wants sympathy and compassion but never gives it in return.

One of my most favorite quotes is from Bob Marley and to me, it goes both ways. Love isn’t easy and it takes work but the reason why you work so hard should be for the person not the benefits. I’m not suggesting that there’s a huge great love out there for everyone but there has to be better that what I’ve seen. I honestly don’t think that I ask too much at all and I won’t do with anything less.

I know my thoughts are jumbled and might not make sense but hopefully they will soon. Hopefully everything will make sense soon.