The Silly Things We Do on Accident…

I’ve gone and done something really silly. I’ll get to that in a bit but first my life is being weird again. So first I’ll tell you about the good things. My Christmas was great. My New Years was great and even tonight, I’ve just finished having drinks with an old friend. I’ve spoken about him before. He’s like a brother to me. We got to chat for several hours and catch up on life. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other and I always love our conversations. He’s the realistest most honest person I know. I adore him.

Typically we catch up by phone and it could end up being a 4 hour long phone conversation but it’s always good to see him in person. I really needed him tonight. We usually start by going through the list of people that we mutually know and chatting about them then we move into each other’s lives.

Since there’s not a lot of speakable things in my life, my side was short. “No, I’ve not gotten married, dating anyone or had any babies since we’ve seen each other last. How’s your life?” That’s how it started. We talked about love, marriage, work and some drama that happened at the beginning of the year. A few other items but it’s what I realized as we’re talking that made me remember something. I’ve gone and caught feelings for someone that I wasn’t supposed to. Who didn’t see that coming? But it’s a moot point since I just may never see him again.

Did I catch feelings for the guy in Chicago that’s been hitting me up to come down and spend the weekend together that I met through work? No. Did I catch feelings for THE friend? No. Did I catch feelings for the young gentleman that works at a place my friends and I frequent after he stalked me on Facebook? No.

I realized that I’ve caught feelings for the Drummer…

Okay, so I’m sure that most of you probably think that I had for a while except I didn’t know and here’s why. We’re not that. We barely see each other and because he’s never really done anything to warrant those feelings. I mean he’s never gone out of his way to make me catch feelings is my point. We had some sort of unspoken understanding that we weren’t supposed to be THAT to each other.

… and to be honest here it’s not until he’d said something about how he’s been feeling lately that I realized that I did. I mean, as I said, we barely see each other. We’ve never share an absolutely profound moment and he’s never tried to make me fall for him. Yet, in the blink of an eye I guess I did.

I guess it’s good that I’m literally just realizing this now because I don’t actually see any time in the near future that we’ll actually see each other again. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve known each other and only about a year since we started this FWB thing. Even that was never that long.

I’d been on dates since and I’ve tried to make connections but I’ve not “been” with anyone since him. I didn’t feel this way when we were having some great passion filled nights and I didn’t feel this way sitting proudly at his shows. I realized that I felt this way when he was the most honest he’s ever been with me a week or two ago when we were chatting. Again, not seen each other for months.

So what does one do when they’ve caught feelings for someone that has no intention of ever throwing them back? Well, you just push them all in a box inside your heart and you lock it up never to be opened again. It literally pains me that things aren’t going well for him and it pains me that we’ll probably not see each other again but I still believe that the universe works in ways we’ll never understand.

I also understand that the universe doesn’t care if you have a secret unspoken rule that neither of you get feelings for the other. The universe also doesn’t care if it’s the right time or the right circumstances. It just doesn’t.

Nothing ever seems real until I write it here and actually keep the post but I realize that I’m not the most emotionally healthy person in the world and I send him so much good energy but I just want to scream sometimes that I never get normal. I don’t mean that he’s not normal I mean that this shouldn’t have happened with someone who’s not and won’t give me back the same feelings.

I feel like my life is lived for other people’s entertainment sometimes. I guess it’s good that I realized this state of affairs AFTER we stopped spending time together. We never got a proper goodbye which hurts but I think it’s all about to hurt real soon when I figure out what’s just happened.

It was never about all that sexual chemistry, or his looks or the fact that he’s a musician. I fell for his soul. I do believe that’s a soul that I’ve known for many lives. I wonder how it went in our other lives. Fate is cruel… Love is cruel… xXx

 

tumblr_nrp93pBbpb1saopleo1_400

Resolving to Resolve Love…

After having a very nice Christmas dinner out with my GBF and his sister tonight, she and I decided to have that “resolution talk” you’re supposed to have close to New Years. She’d started by asking me if I had any resolutions. I had to think about it but my first answer was to get fitter. That’s always a goal for me.

I start the year out great and working out all the time. I eat healthy and then life happens and I get distracted like a deer in headlights. I usually end up getting back to it sooner or later but I have goals and I plan to meet those goals next year.

The next New Years resolution was a bit different than the years before. I didn’t ask for a husband, boyfriend or love interest. I told her that I needed to figure out next year why I am so unlucky in love. That was my resolution, or IS my resolution.

You all know most of my stories. I either find a great man who I feel nothing for or I feel something for a total asshole. It’s like my love life has never been balanced. The men I find some sort of connection with have way too much drama or shit going on or they’re in the middle of something and nothing ever happens or the nice guys that look great to most women I feel nothing for. I swear it’s a curse.

When I start to think about my love life I understand why my Shaman says that when I do find the right one, my soul-mate, that we’ll be great for each other and have flourishing lives together. That we’ll be happy and rich both in moments and monetarily. She’s always said that the saying, “You’ll meet someone that will make you understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else” is true.

Truth though, I think I’m just done. I’m done waiting and I’m done looking and I’m done with selfish lying assholes or assholes that can’t keep the simplest of promises. That’s not just in my dating life. I’m just done with those type of people in general. Sadly I seem to know a lot of them. It’s a curse that I can tell a lie from a mile away and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of giving and giving and expecting anything different.

Yes, I’m not in the Christmas spirit right now. I’m just so exhausted of expecting anything different from men these days. There’s not even one that’s surprised me in a good way for a very long time. I’ve gone out of my way, gone out of my comfort zone for some of these and done things that I wouldn’t normally do and I don’t know why I expected anything to come out of it. I’m really not in a good place right now.

I wish I was someone who could blissfully be unaware of how so many people suck in life and just go around and BE happy but that’s not in my soul. I am someone who feels so fucking much but acts as though I feel nothing at all. I am the person who has to put a smiling emoji even though I’m about to erupt in tears. That’s just who I am and who I’ve always been. I’ve tried crystals, essential oils, motivational stuff, meditation but the one thing I’ve never truly tried to to cleanse myself of all the utter, selfish assholes in my life. I’m tired of being used because I try to help so many people.

I’ve tried religion, spirituality, tried learning new things. I’ve tried exercise as a form of therapy and I’ve tried to cleanse my space and my body and yet I keep being drawn to the life sucking assholes that couldn’t care less to ask me how my day is going and wait for the answer.

I’m done….

I’m done figuratively and literally going out of my way for men that can’t show the least bit of fucking compassion or care. Do I think I’ll change them in some way, shape or form? No. Do I think they’ll end up changing me in some profoundly great way? No. I’m literally just being a masochist. I have yet to meet a man that I’ve equally been connected to and that has treated me with any respect or sweetness. So why do I even waste my time anymore?

Again, I’m done…

This wasn’t supposed to be an angry post, I swear. I was looking around my home tonight with wrapping paper thrown everywhere and clothes that need to be laundered and a mess of wrapped presents and I decided that I wanted to write and this is what’s come out.

… And somewhere between the loud hard typing of my fingers and the words I’m typing I started crying realizing that I’m just so fucking tired. There’s so many times this year that some man has upset me, pissed me off or taken advantage of me and I’ve held my tongue. I’d decided at some point that it was more important to keep my cool and act as though things didn’t bother me than to actually say what I’m feeling, how they made me feel. These are the moments that I take long drives listening to pissed off music and scream, “FUCK!” as loud as I can.

I don’t really know what this year has or was supposed to teach me except that I let men treat me like shit for some dumb reason. I blame it on “connections” or because they’re in a dark place or they’re going through something but the truth is I know better. I’m fucking smart. I can read people and as much as I can sit here and read someone like a book it’s just so exhausting to explain to someone how they’ve made me feel when they themselves couldn’t care less and knowing that it makes me even more exhausted thinking about explaining myself.

I do believe in karma and I believe that some of these people will feel the way they’ve made me feel but that doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t want anyone to feel like this, used and unappreciated. As sarcastic as I am, and as much as I like to pretend that I feel nothing I do not have a mean bone in my body. So, as part of my New Years tradition I will write all the wrongs they’ve done to me and burn them and then just stop talking to them entirely because I am done. I don’t care how shitty your life is you do NOT have the right to take it out on someone that would do anything for you. Period. So to that, and those people, I am done.

I’ve said before that just because I have a “soul-connection” with someone doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay in my life. A lot of times they are literally here to just teach me a lesson, something that I’ve not been able to learn or realize on my own. Well, congratulations. Lesson learned.

This year started out so differently than it’s ending and that makes me cry too. Maybe I needed to cry. I’d been holding it back for a while now. So, since I have the entire week off work, I will finish my gift wrapping while watching horror movies. I will get ready to go out of town for a day or two and then I will just contemplate the bullshit that I’ve dealt with this year and really re-evaluate what I’ve been doing.

I will say this, when my GBF’s sister asked me what I’m going to look for instead next year my answer was pretty simple. I need an honest, drama-free and sweet man. That’s it. The rest of it I don’t even care about anymore. I need a guy that isn’t confusing and I don’t have to question his integrity nor do I have to question IF he cares. I’m tired of confusing someone caring about me or someone using me. I’m better than that.

Maybe I don’t “Love” enough or let myself but my opposite of love isn’t hate. I don’t use that word much at all. My opposite is much worse which is apathy. When there’s nothing left for me to give a shit about apathy is my worst quality. There’s a few men that will feel that soon…. I’m done. Nite.

Occam’s Razor Part II and some real rawness…

It’s a day away from Thanksgiving where it’s all about thankfulness and giving and family and friends and gathering. I can’t actually tell how excited I am. I’m actually doing a quick turnaround trip going to the family Thursday morning and back home by Friday afternoon. My boss asked if it was because my family was getting on my nerves and my reply was, “No but this is how they don’t” I also told him he was getting on my nerves though. Luckily he’ll be leaving tomorrow for a week. This only reminds me that I am in need of a vacation so bad.

I am looking forward to seeing my family, mostly my niece but will enjoy the rest as well. My biggest issue with all of them is that they passively aggressively ask me about my dating life. I really can’t stand that. If I ever get to the point to introduce them to someone I’m dating then maybe they’ll be quiet. I just haven’t ever been at that point.

When my crazy friend and I went to stay at my brothers a few weeks ago there was this point where she and my brother were talking in the kitchen while I was out on the trampoline. She said they were talking about me and my reply was, “Nope, nope you weren’t and no I don’t want to know”. I really don’t think some people understand just how secret I like to live my life. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong it’s just that it’s no one else’s business. If I want to talk about those things then I will.

I would say that out of all my social media crap I use Instagram the most and at best I only post 2% of my life on there. I don’t really know where this secrecy came from or why but some of it comes from the fact that when I do mention something that makes me happy it does seem to go away. Like there’s some sort of spell on me. I’m aware that sounds bat-shit and paranoid but I don’t really think someone put a spell on me but I do believe in bad energy from others seeping into my world which is probably why I try to do so much good.

The last time I was really having a good time… towards the beginning of this year. When the drummer and I were spending time together. At first, I didn’t tell anyone and especially my crazy friend. One day she’d seem some messages come through my phone that he’d sent that pretty much confirmed what we were doing and then she knew. I actually hated that she did. I hated that THE friend knew about us but I didn’t want to go to the drummers shows alone because that appeared to girlfriend-like.

The only friend that I didn’t mind going with me was Dan and that was because he could read aura’s which he did and that’s a whole other post there. But once the crazy friend knew she was always asking what was going on and what we were doing. Sometimes she’d ask and I’d just sit there and stare at her until she’d ask something else.

I have this one friend of mine that is like a little sister to me. She’s the one that I’ve written about when we have our New Years tradition and one that didn’t wait for a man to get her pregnant and decided to have a baby on her own. I get to be his auntie too. But she hears some of my stories about the people around me especially my crazy friend and she always asks me why I continue to stay around these people because they don’t appear to be that great. She’s never been a fan of my ex Dan either because I was so much younger than him when we were together. I don’t agree with that position but she can have her own opinion.

Anyway, it seemed like the more and more the crazy friend asked about the drummer and I the less and less time we got to spend together. After one night that she’d come with me to his show and she actually saw us interact together I think she got jealous because then she’d always talk about all these messages he send her and the fact that she just ignores them. I told her the last time we spoke that if she was trying to imply that he was flirting with her every time he reached out to invite her to a show that I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that’s the last time we’ve spoken really.

The drummer and I haven’t seen each other since I went with Dan 2 months ago. About a week after that the drummer asked me to meet him on a Friday, I think and then I never heard from him again that night. Two months goes by and no apology and no explanation. I was pissed at first but excused it away. Then, last week, I get a message from him asking “Are you alive?” After we bantered for a minute or two he’d said he missed me which would have been great to hear if it wasn’t followed by asking for a favor.

I understand that he’s having issues in life right now. I get that and I am sympathetic which is why I never bitched about what he did. However, I’ve spent months excusing his behavior and actions away. Add that to the fact that for two months of silence I get to hear from my crazy friend that he’s been reaching out to her… Yeah, I’m not that girl who deals with that.

He then had the nerve to say that I’d promised something and hadn’t delivered. Here’s the thing. I HAD delivered and I probably could deliver again on that promise except why would I continue to go out of my way to help someone who’s NEVER truly treated me like a friend. So we have a few great nights together but he also made a promise to me and I’m pretty sure that’s been broken for months now. I made him promise that when this was over for him he’d tell me out of courtesy… Never happened and he expects me to show up to every single show like a loyal puppy… I refuse to be a mistress.

I’ve always been well aware that this “FWB’s” was NEVER about the friend piece for him and it’s always been pretty one sided. He’s never gone out of his way for me. We barely speak to each other and we certainly don’t confide in each other. I feel betrayed by someone that I was willing to be a loyal and private confidant to and to help out more than he would ever know going above and beyond what he ever thought. All I truly feel is hurt, lied to and fucking stupid.

I feel stupid because I’ve let someone take advantage of me because I felt some fucking stupid connection to. Apparently I was the only one that felt that connection truly because his side all seems like bullshit now. He’ll never know that he’s really hurt me and I tried, for the longest time to excuse all his actions away except the only explanation is  Occam’s Razor. The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct.

So basically we’ve not seem each other in over two months because he didn’t want to. We don’t talk because he didn’t want to. I’ve always told him that he’s the one with the busy life so it would be up to him to reach out and in the beginning that was the case. Then he disappeared like he never existed in my life.

Strangely, in my weird world, if he and I were just dating I’d write one line about him and move on but because I tried so hard to be friends first that’s where this stings. I’d shared things with him I’d never told anyone whether he remembers or not. All the things he told me stayed secret in my head, not to be shared with anyone because I am loyal and even now that whatever we were is officially over it will still never pass these lips. I won’t speak ill of him to anyone and I will miss watching him play at his shows. I will miss talking him up to strangers and I will miss those moments that we shared when no one else was around. I might even cry for those moments but I have so little patience for anyone who treats people like shit.

I’m so mad at myself here too because I didn’t see him like this at all. I honestly thought he was a good human. I thought that he had some damage from him past and that impacted the way he trusted people but I, in my soul, believe he was a good person who wouldn’t hurt me. The hardest part here is that’s all he’s done now.

I know that it’s hard to believe that I didn’t love him, yet. I mean I was in a lot of “like” with him but we never got close enough for me to feel anything more than a friend to him and like I said that’s the part that sucks the worst. I gave a lot of myself to him and did things that I’ve never done before because I felt close to him. I haven’t felt that closeness to him for awhile though and short of some miracle that occurs on his part it’s just over. There’s no discussion, there’s no finality or closure… It’s just done.

My Shaman once told me that the drummer was actually in love with me but like me, he runs from emotions and feelings. She said that he was stuck in his situation and that once he actually stopped for a moment and truly felt his feelings then things would change and that I’d get closer to him and we’d make each others lives better. She’s never been wrong before and for a while I wished that she wouldn’t be wrong now except I have very little patience for someone that uses someone and that treats someone who’s never done anything to them poorly.

So, I knew that I hadn’t written in a while and I knew that some of you had emailed and asked so I thought that I’d write one last post about him for closure. Yes I’m sad. No, I’m not heartbroken. Yes I’m pissed. I wish him true happiness. I wish that he figures out what he wants and needs in his life. I wish that he never feel the way that he’s made me feel but do want him to realize that he’s lost someone whom he should have treated a lot better than he did. I want him to have joy in his life, so much joy. I gave him something once that was made out of amethyst. It’s supposed to protect him from bad energy, give him positivity and protection. Maybe I should have kept that for myself the way I feel right now.

That’s what’s going on in my world that’s on my mind tonight. I will feel this and move on like I always do. Tomorrow is a new day. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and I am grateful that you all come here and interact with me. I thank you for all the amazing emails and comments (sorry I don’t post them all). I still believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and going through everything that I’m supposed to go through I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Nite xXx

1_EBHQqNESUCne2mGSxCzkTgQuotes-About-Love-Don39t-force-them-to-love-you.-Love-quotes

The Starlight of Emotions…

I think I need to find a new word for weird. It’s not that my week has been that weird compared to my normal days but it’s weird for most adults. Most of my week has been working, working out and barely going out. I don’t know why I’ve chosen this week to stay in. It might have something to do with the two people I spend the most time with going to Vegas.

I’d declined to go with them on their Vegas trip because that would have made my fifth trip and to be honest Vegas is a great city at night but during the day looks like trash to me. I do need a vacation soon though but I might just run off into the forest and camp for a few days and take mushrooms.

On thing about working from home, aside from the freeing feeling of being able to walk around and work with my pj’s or just a t-shirt on, is that you start to feel a bit disconnected to your co-workers. There’s days that go by and we don’t even talk so when my boss called me the other day and asked what my holiday plans were so that he could make his I bit his head off. My reply was that my job has never been dependent on him or where he is so it really doesn’t matter when he takes off since he basically takes everyday off. He replied with, “Calm your tits” which in turn made me reply with “fuck off and sober up”. I will never not say we don’t have a weird relationship but there’s something really nice about being able to tell your boss to fuck off.

I fight with him more than anyone else in my life. I’ve fought with him more than any boyfriend, relative, friend. We are each other’s longest relationships ever and I joke with him that when I leave his ass for someone who pays better then he owes me alimony because we have never had sex and we always fight. It’s a running joke.

I bring this up because I’ve had ex’s be jealous of the relationship that I have with my boss. This makes me laugh. Mostly because I think that jealousy is a useless emotion but mostly because of the absurdity of it all. People say he’s attractive but after you’ve seen the worst in someone, you’ve seen their drunken disgusting moments in life and you’ve seen the way they treat people you tend to not see an attractive side. I’ve never thought he was attractive though… Maybe just not my preference. His brother however, a completely different story.

But I digress…

Bringing up emotions though brings me to another situation. This week, Monday night I think, a friend and I had gone to see if we could see any comets around midnight. He’s a fun friend and has always had this weird obsession that we hookup but I won’t even kiss him. I think he wanted to go to see if I’d think it was romantic which I was literally too interested in trying to see a comet and then dealing with the police when they showed up. Apparently you can’t sit in a parked car without doing something wrong.

So my friend and I got to talking about how we handle emotions. I explained to him that I like to wait to react to situations. There’s a lot of times when I’m pissed or upset that I immediately want to say something but I don’t. I’ll write a note instead and then I’ll calm down. I’ll quickly start to rationalize something. It’s something that I’ve had to train myself to do because it’s human nature to just “react” with whatever comes out. THE friend tested my patience a lot with this. He’d do something and I’d want to rip his head off but just took a deep breath, explained it away and realized later that if it was truly important to me then I’d bring it up in a sane calm manner. After not reacting for a day or two, most of the time, I realize that it’s not that important anymore so I let it go.

This led my friend the other night to ask me what actually, truly pisses me off. My first response, lying. I just don’t see a need for it. Second, when someone can’t apologize. Apologies are the utmost form of adulting in my book. We all make mistakes. We all fuck up but it’s only a truly good human than can apologize and mean it. I think I also said lack of appreciation and respect.

He then asked if that meant I was a carpet. You know, someone who people walk over, because I don’t get pissed about stuff. I said that they might think that but the truth is if they make a mistake once it’s forgivable. A mistake made twice I can deal with but a third time I will just disappear never to be heard from again. There’s lots of people in my life that I miss and there’s lots of people who, maybe 10 years ago, I’d let back in my life but now I just want positive, caring, loving people in my life. They’re allowed to make mistakes but it’s all about how they handle it after that proves the character of someone.

I always have things to do and people to do them with if I chose to so losing one or two people no matter what they’ve meant to me doesn’t stop me from living my life as fun and happy and it can be. I just don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. I try to help people with kind words, actions and listen when I can. I’m nowhere near perfect but it gives me something to strive for each day.

After that he’d asked me why I didn’t want to hook up with him. I told him that I wasn’t attracted to him and the only reason he was attracted to me was because I didn’t want him. He disagreed but we shall both agree to disagree on that. Why am I not attracted to him? Well, the good things about him as far as most girls see: has money, good looks, treats them shitty enough so when he does something nice it seems so huge. My reason for not being attracted to him: he’s arrogant, he’s a man-whore (what’s the nice way to say that?) and I can see right through his bullshit. He said the latter and my ass are the reason he likes me and something to do with my lips which was foul but at that point I just turned the radio on loudly and got out of the car.

These are probably just some of the reasons that I’m still single. Mostly because I’d rather be picky than just have any warm body next to me in bed. It makes for some lonely nights and I do mean lonely nights. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve literally slept next to man. Even when THE friend stays he’s on the couch and I’m locked in my room. Here’s the things, right off the top of my head there’s seven men that I could call and either go over there or have them come here but I just don’t want any man. You all know that.

My list has never really changed but in case you’re wondering my perfect man who is imperfect would not be rich nor the best looking man ever. I don’t care what he drives or what he does. My perfect man is appreciative, respectful, sometimes a gentleman, sometimes kind and sweet and sometimes a sarcastic fool that I can laugh with. Someone that teaches me things and wants to learn things from me. Someone that admits his faults, his vulnerabilities his fears. Someone that I can help grow, live and love. I will never think his dreams are too big or his words too small.

I might not love easily but when that flood gate opens it’s a glowing light of acceptance and love but doesn’t suffocate. Love isn’t suffocation or jealousy or anger. Love is what’s right in the world and if/when I truly love someone his life will be better with me in it. That’s the whole point of love, to make someone else better than before you met them. That’s what I’ve been told anyway 🙂 my Shaman friend likes to remind me that when I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with (truly WITH them) both our lives are supposed to shine bring with love and riches and some other shit. It’s nice to believe that some days. Some days it’s a bit harder to believe.

So currently I’ve turned down four guys in the last 30 days and I have no current FWB’s. I know that I can’t complain but I know that I’ll feel connected with someone soon and if I don’t then I’ll just move on to something else in life. Right now I’m more focused on my career and myself so that I can be better for the next guy who, maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel connected to.

I miss that part of my relationships. Even my friendships lately I feel like I’m disconnected to. It’s me. It’s in my head because I’m in my head. I’m awake when I should be asleep and I’m sleeping when I should be awake because the things I dream about are better than my reality right now. The most vivid dreams and I can’t get them to stop and they’re all about ONE person. Life is weird… My life is weird.

… and on that note it’s almost 2 am now and I’m going to try to sleep. Hope you all had a great week and have a great weekend. I have no idea where the winds will take me this weekend. I’m leaving you with the video In My Dreams By: Robert Miles because, well, it’s my life and I love this whole album. Nite xXx

12175-fb_image-detox-dreams-are-crazy-vivid-dreams-normal-when-doing-a-cleanse

Don’t force things… They’ll happen.

It’s been four days since I last blogged and told you all about the two men in my dating life right now. I was having a hard time figuring out which one I liked more. So in those four days I’ve met numerous other men that, for some reason, have been hitting on me like crazy. I don’t know what it is… Is it my perfume, my pheromones or some sort of vibe I’m putting out there. I have no idea but I know that I am no closer to picking either of them. As a matter of fact I’m less inclined to pick either of them.

I know. I seem like an asshole but It’s been a hard couple weeks, months due to some other situations going on around me and my loved ones. I’m having a hard time concentrating and finding joy lately. I mean, I find it in the little things like a song, a new piece of furniture or a sweet text from someone but it’s been such a long time since I’ve truly felt long term joy. Is that weird? Do most people find themselves joyful all the time? I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s situational, for me anyway.

So I’ve been talking to both of them a lot and I know that, in order to date someone, I need to know them. I need to be friends with them first. I’ve always been like that. I’ve always had the best relationships with men that I’ve been friends with first. In order for me to sleep with someone I need to have been dating them for a minute first. So, for me, the sex part seems like it’s going to be so far off. I think it has to do with the fact that I have to be comfortable with them first, hence the friends part, and then I have to feel safe.

To be honest with you all here, I don’t feel comfortable, safe or even that close to either of them yet. I thought that I’d feel some sort of connection by now. The one who’s in town is starting to feel like a sibling relationship and the one that’s out of town I’m not clicking with. I mean, he thinks we are but I don’t get excited when I get his messages anymore. I don’t feel that “flutter” in the top part of my stomach anymore. That was fast and like I said the other night, I’ve never felt like I needed to be passionately kissed by either one of them.

It’s twisted how easily I lose interest in men. If I’d been friends with them for a while first I’d feel more inclined to keep trying to connect on a deeper level with them but we weren’t. I am not trying to force anything either so I’m just fading away in their worlds by my own actions. They, technically, haven’t done anything wrong and in fact, most girls would be all over them. They say the right things. They’ve done the right things. It’s just me… I’m romantically anorexic.

Tonight, as I’m feeling sad that I can’t connect with them, or any man currently, I scroll through my Instagram feed on one of my many accounts and there it is. It’s an affirmation that states, “Don’t force it. If it’s real, it will happen.” and for some reason I’m instantly calmed. I’m just so affected by my surroundings and my moods that when I see something that speaks to me it feels like the universe trying to tell me something and there it is. Just in case you didn’t think I was crazy before, I feel like it spoke to my soul.

That happens a lot. I’ll be feeling something that I can’t describe and someone will post a song, or send me a song and it sums up my emotions right then or they’ll post something or one of my many positive affirmation feeds will just speak to me right then and I’m instantly calmed.

I try not to burden people around me with my woes, my bad moods or if I’m sad or not. In fact, it’s very very rare that I actually confide in anyone about my emotions. I just never want to seem like a burden or never want to admit out loud that I’m sad or upset or angry. So, I keep it all inside (most of the time) until I go to kickboxing class. I don’t drink my emotions, I don’t drug my emotions but my other outlet is here. I get them out here sometimes but I’m just in, yet another, weird place. It’s like the men that have been trying to be in any sort of relationship with me over the last couple years just aren’t syncing with my soul. That’s what I need is a soul-sync.

It’s not about looks, status or anything but that connection. If it was about looks, let me tell you… Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there was a gorgeous man shopping at the front of the store when I first walked in. He had this long hair, amazing body, tanned skin and young. He was young. When I first walked in he smiled and said hi. I gave him a halfass smile and said hi back. After a few isles he actually walked up to me and introduced himself. We chatted for a moment and he’d said something nice about how I looked and I replied that I was getting over a cold and looked like shit but thanked him anyway. He then said, “Absolutely not. You’re one of God’s children. You’re beautiful”. At that point I realized it was time to go because he might have been trying to kidnap me into a cult or something.

But that scenario made me think later. There was a gorgeous man who’d asked for my number and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. It’s not been and has never been about looks. I mean I have to be attracted to someone at first glance but there has to be more. A pretty face only goes so far. If you can’t rock my soul I have no space for you in my life.

Now, some people, men, friends would all say that I’m the polar opposite of most women out there. The people that truly know me know that to be true. I don’t force things. I don’t force friendships, relationships of any kind. If someone wants to be in my life then they will be unless they fuck it up and I leave it. If they are respectful and appreciative and, yes, if they try a little harder than me, then I will always be there for them. But once they’re in they realize that I am a pretty fucking amazing person to be friends with, let alone date. So, those two guys will probably be in my friend circle but I’m really not feeling anything else will happen.

I think what I’m looking for is to be friends with someone who I can laugh with so much and then, all of a sudden, one day we look at each other and I just know. I just know and he knows and bam, we’re both in love but we did that out of a friendship first. That’s an Aquarius trait mostly but it just makes sense. There’s no forcing, no weird dating, no expectations. You already know, trust, love, respect and support each other and now you do all that while realizing you’re in love with each other. I’ve heard it happens. That would be total truth and perfect for me. We shall see if I’ve thrown this out into the universe now if I’ll meet someone that I’ll be able to do that with.

That puts me right back to where I was which is single, horny as hell and disconnected to any man right now. I’m pretty used to this feeling at this point, hence the four engagement rings and never said yes to the dress. I swear that I do actually want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to settle for some asshole at this point in my life or someone that I’d just be complacent with. I hate stagnation. I dislike people that are stagnant and not looking ahead for their next new venture. I need a man with vision and dreams and I don’t even care if they seem too big or crazy. I just want to see someone who’s always trying to be better.

So, on that note, nothing has really changed. But I am going to be the meme queen tonight and post the five that really stood out to me right now. Hope you all are amazing. Nite xXx

6ea3240cd140ed6ad030141bbf66dadf1517356964_life-quotes-dont-force-someone-to-change-just-love-them-love-is-whatdon't-forcedont-find-love-let-loveQuotes-About-Love-Don39t-force-them-to-love-you.-Love-quotes

Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

Divine-timing-what-you-seek-is-seeking-you-rumi

3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

f234acd826e044f8593ede4ecbd132b7