Thigh-High Boots and Fantasies…

I was on the phone with a good friend last night for almost two hours and we just fell into some phone sex. Well, I guess we didn’t “fall” into it as it started out with just some really nasty sexting. It got steamy and by the end of it one of us almost drove an hour to go see the other one. It ended up not happening but mostly because I realized it’s hard for me to stay in a “sexy mode” while coughing and sneezing since I’m still sick.

There’s one thing that I can do is tell you what I’m good at. I don’t think that’s being conceited. I just think that’s being confident. But funnily enough I’m not great at taking compliments. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, pretty, cute all the way to some weird ones like I have nice eyebrows or a sexy walk. With most of those things I roll my eyes but I can be sexy when I want to be. The way this works is that I usually give great eye contact, stare them down like there’s nothing more important in the world. Maybe I’ll play with my hair or perk up my breasts or something then just when they’re hooked I’ll likely trip on something and fall over or spill a drink or something. Hey, you can’t be sexy ALL the time.

When my friend and I were chatting he was throwing out some really great compliments and I was taking them all in and stroking his male ego back all while muting my phone when I needed to sneeze or blow my nose and was doing pretty well at it because it then turned into a “What’s your fantasy?”call. Here’s where watching soft core porn movies since I was twelve has probably hurt me because I have a LOT of fantasies. As a disclaimer before going into some of these, some HAVE been done but I’m not going to tell you which one’s. At least not today.

There’s the old tie me up fantasy but this can go both ways. I could tie him up and have my way with a guy or the other way around but there’d have to be trust here. This has been on my mind since long before Fifty Shades of Shit came out. I’m telling you, Zalman King knew what he was doing with his movies… 9 1/2 Weeks anyone?

Beach sex is and will always be on my list except it gets complicated if you’re not doing it right because… sand. That’s all I need to say about that. I like the idea of getting busy in the ocean while people are around but discrete enough that no one really knows what you’re doing.

One of my most thought about fantasies is having sex in a public place with the idea of “almost” getting caught. I’d have to know the guy pretty well or at least be really comfortable with him for this one because it’s about “almost” but NOT getting caught. Sometimes it’s in a nice bar bathroom and sometimes it’s in the parking lot. I have also thought about the VIP room of a strip club as well. There’s also something about having sex in an elevator that totally turns me on too.

It’s weird though, with all the experimentation that I have and want to do I always have to have basic bed sex first with a guy. I have to know him enough and be comfortable enough to start going crazy with the rest. I guess it’s not that weird but once I’m comfortable and trust a guy, there is no limit. Some of that comes from my friend who got me a peek into the BDSM world which just made me more curious. There’s just something about sex, for me, that’s got nothing to do with love. That’s probably a problem but one has never coincided with the other. I guess that’s another therapy bill.

I have lots of sex dreams though. Sometimes they’re actually featuring some guy that I know and sometimes it’s just a shaded face. I have woken up and needed to take a cold shower before. I’m not even sure that this is normal since I’ve always been like this. This is another reason why I attract guys because I’m very open about how I feel about it and what I like but very choosy to pick my partners. See, this is where I HAVE to feel a connection or a chemistry with someone. This to me is different than love and maybe that’s because I’ve never felt the two at the same time. Again, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m still on medicine and will probably read this a week from now, a month from now or a year from now and be like, “WTF was I even trying to say here?”.

Now that SOME of my fantasies are out in the open it brings me to my goal. See, before the hurricane disrupted my life I used to have this beautiful red dress that I kept in my closet as my “goal dress” and I was working at, not just fitting in to it, but to look good in it. I think I’d had that dress for 20 years and even though, at a lot of points, I was able to fit into it I didn’t have anywhere to go in it. Now, I have a new goal outfit and it needs a man to go with it because it’s one of my fantasies. My goal outfit starts with a black long sleeve top with a lace up neckline to where you can see a lot of cleavage. Then, I have on a short grey skirt that’s fits enough to not blow up in the wind but has enough give for later. Then I’m wearing these thigh high black suede boots. Once I have the outfit on and there’s the perfect guy, that’s when I get to institute one of my public sex fantasies.

Now, I already have the outfit and while I’d look decent in it, my goal is to look amazing in it. I figure I’d get there before I actually find a guy that will work for this anyway. This means, to meet my goal, I’ve been doing keto, working out and doing yoga like a crazy person. I’ve told you before that when I get back into working out I always go hardcore because it’s my happy place. Even if my picturesque night doesn’t work out exactly like I planned there’s always fun in getting to the destination. I’ll at least look good while I’m on my journey. 🙂

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight. Thigh-high black boots and sex. It’s a good night.

Nite xXx

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Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

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The Reasons Why and What We Might Never Know…

I have this theory. It’s part of the reason why I’ve been at my job for so long. Something in my life, inevitably happens to the next “big thing”. Sounds obvious right? But it’s not always.

So my first real “big corporate job” led me to the company that I work for now. That job has led me to a guy I dated that I thought (at the time) I was in love with but don’t really think I was. That, years later led me to being best friends, sisters, with his wife. That wife led me to a band and that band led me to a guy… or a few.

My question, now, is where does this lead me now? The band thing is over due to recent circumstances. However, and this is a funny twist of fate but the one band member that I really wasn’t sure about, my friends Mister, is the only one that I still talk to or have been talking to all week. I’ve not seen, heard from or talked to the drummer and won’t. But my friend had been upset about how things went last weekend for her. So, being the friend that I am, I reached out to her Mister.

I basically said, “Look she’s really upset and asking if you’re done. Are you going to say anything to her or just never speak to her again?” That was sent earlier in the day and I didn’t really expect a text back for a while. I did, however, wake up to a text reply at 7 am the next day, “I’ve got bigger things to think about. Can you talk?”. This was from her Mister.

I replied around 9 am, since I was working, and said that I could and asked what was wrong. Apparently, his wife who was supposed to be out of town for three weeks had returned early and just started yelling at him about wanting a divorce and that she knew everything he’d been doing. He’d asked me if I thought that my friend would have said something to his wife in anger.

Okay, so here’s where my vault of secrets almost explodes. I’ve kept so many secrets for so many people for such a long time, it can seem overwhelming at times and now, I was about to keep another one.

There was no way in hell that I believe my friend would have reached out to his wife in any way, shape or form. That’s the truth. I basically talked him down from the edge all week. I’ve been checking in on him, discussing all kinds of personal things in his life. Basically being the friend that he needs right now. I don’t really think this guy has anyone to talk to. I actually started to feel like I was betraying my friend because I now have all these secrets about her Mister and have to shove all those back in my secret vault too.

When I told him that he should feel a bit secure because she and I will not be going to anymore gigs anymore his reply was, “I’ll miss seeing you. I really like seeing you there… and HER too”. I then felt guilty for that. See, he and I have always had a very strange relationship because he’s always felt comfortable in saying things to me that he could never to her. I felt like I had the friendship with him that I actually wanted with the drummer. It’s all been a cluster fuck.

But this leads me back to, what’s next? Ever since a week ago I’ve been in the worst funk I’ve had since moving back here after the hurricane. I’ve gone out a few times but I don’t want to see my friend. I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’ve been sad, possibly depressed and mostly wanted to sleep for days on end. But why?

I’ve already made my appointment to see my Shaman friend to get her input because I asked for one thing under setting intentions under the full moon and got something totally different. So, where will that lead me? I know I’m upset knowing that I won’t be seeing the band again because, regardless of all the drama that’s surround it I really missed being a band-aid. I’ll miss the obvious, sexual chemistry that I shared with the drummer that’s been unmatched in all my life. That’s saying something too because I LOVE sex. ALL THE TIME! But what else is with me?

I think a lot of my mood has to do with what I’d asked for and what I got in return. I feel like stomping my feet and screaming “WHERE’S MY HAPPY?” like a spoiled child. I’m angry at all the couples that claim to be happy and yet always have one eye out for something/someone different. I’m mad that I’m keeping so many secrets. I’m pissed that I have all this great wisdom when it comes to relationships and love and yet it’s all wasted on me because the men that I meet that actually are available I have no connection to. I’m pissed about promises made and promises broken and I’m angry at all the liars out there.

So I guess I’m mad/angry/pissed/upset at a lot of things right now and haven’t brought myself to find a powerful healthy outlet just yet. All I can do is write things here but then I feel, as I stated the other day, when the universe finds out I’m even the slightest bit happy it does whatever it takes to fucked that up.

Is this my reality right now or someone else’s nightmare? I’m just so thoroughly confused about what my next step is and where IT will lead me. I want peace and health and healthy relationships and SEX ALL THE TIME. I want to WANT to get out of bed in the mornings and I want real relationships where I don’t have to keep secrets. I also what to know what all the with the drummer was about because right now it seems even smaller than just a blip on my roadmap of my life.

It’s strange. I’ve been hunkered down in my home for days now. I’ve only occasionally gone outside to run menial tasks, go to dinner or some nights to just drive around listening to music but right now I’m just sitting on my couch listening to the quiet noise in my home and the clacking of my nails on my laptop. It’s cathartic, it’s simplistic and right now it’s the only thing that’s real.

That’s all for now… xxx

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Full Moon and other things…

I’m sure, by now, that you’ve heard about the moon tomorrow. Things are about to change. Everything is about to change or so some would have the world believing. I’m all about the full moon and how it effects people and situations. Plus, it’s a great way to recharge your energy.

I tend to do two things that recharge my energy. I try to sit under the full moon or/and I got to the beach. I tend to like to do both those things by myself but this week I went with my friend (my co-workers wife). It brought all kinds of drama up from her family and in-laws because, it appears, that everyone is crazy. I used to think I was the crazy one.

Here’s the weird thing about this girl and my’s friendship. It’s happened quickly and we both feel like we’re sisters. We actually look a like as well. We both have long blonde hair, green eyes but that’s about where things stop. Technically we’ve only been spending time together since March, so it’s not even been five months.

I’m bringing this up because her husband, my co-worker, basically asked me if she could stay here all week because he’s refinishing some counter tops and the smell in the house is terrible. I said sure. But I’ve been going about my normal routine of going out, my drives listening to music and seeing friends. Sometimes she’s come with me and sometimes she just stays on my couch and watches chick flicks. It’s basically like we’re already roommates. Since I’ve lived alone for such a long time it’s nice to have someone here.

But also, and I just realized this, but I’ve not had THE friend here but twice I think since October. You know what? I’m ok with that. The quick note on that ,to at least have closure, is that the last time we did see each other I realized a few things. First, we actually spoke… the entire time. Well he did for the most part. He told me about his life right now and how much it’s changed and how much he’s doing. He’s got a girlfriend which is a good influence on him. He’s doing really well.

I sat there and listened to him talk about his life and was so happy for him. I think that the hurricane changed both our lives but one thing it made ME realize is that I wasn’t helping him. I might have given him some joy in the beginning of our friendship but after a while I was just a dock for him to anchor his boat at and hide from the world. Toward the end of our friendship it became clear that it was masochistic for both of us. I have always wished for the best for him and I think he’s getting that now and I’m glad that I stopped wanting to hang out or texting back. We had a great “last talk” and I didn’t know it would be our last talk when it happened but now realize that we’re good and both in a much happier place. I never wanted to end up hating him and I don’t.

I took so much pain from the relationship that I, honestly think, stopped being “in love” with him a long time ago but never realized this. I was just… lonely or craving a relationship and held on to that so tight thinking that I’d never be that comfortable with another man. Well, that’s not what happened.

Since moving back here in October I have met the most interesting guys and started some really amazing relationships. I’m having fun. The back of my mind I will always be looking for a new relationship. I’ve put out into the universe that I’m ready for “the next big thing”. I’m setting my intentions for the full moon and will enjoy whatever comes. I’m excited.

A year ago, I’d forgotten to remember how beautiful things could be. I’d forgotten to remember how fun things could be. I’d forgotten to remember how happy I could be the moment that I released my attachment to things, people and situations. You CAN’T control everything but you CAN control how you feel about things. I’ve stopped having expectations. I’ve stopped dwelling. I am not perfect and am always trying to get to the next big step in my life but am enjoying the moments more. I stopped being mad at the universe for not giving me what I thought I was supposed to have which was a family, 2.5 kids and a dog in a white picket fence. That’s never been me. I’m not THAT girl.

What I’ve noticed since all those things above happened? I’ve been told that I’m beautiful and fun and crazy and smart and amazing and sweet and different and special and my energy is contagious and that I even look like Kristen Bell, Carrie Underwood and some chick I’ve never heard of before. But my point is people have said those things to me before but I was never in a place to truly believe those things before.

My life is weird and strange and I’ve said all that before and I’m ok with it. It’s different. I’m different. It’s beautiful and so am I.

My words to you today are these: Go outside tonight or tomorrow night and drink in the moon light. Drink in the power and energy. Throw out the negative and breath in the positive.

That is all for now. xxx

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Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.

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#TimesUp – Women’s March

I’m here. Here with women on a day where the power of a woman is unmeasurable.
There’s so much pink, and power and pride.
I have silently screamed for so long and now… I’m done. I will be loud.

#TimesUp – The first time.
I was 10 and cute and innocent.
What one should be at that age.
We were all playing.
Me, my brother and our babysitter.
Parents are out and I was being a kid, a child.
“It’s time for bed”, he said.
I remember going to bed in my nightgown.
My 10 year old kids nightgown.
What happened next made me age beyond years.
He touched and “played”.
He made it sound fun.
I knew it was something that it shouldn’t be.
He had no right!
WHO DOES THAT?
But not the worst that happened.
I woke up and it felt like everyone knew.
But no one spoke about it.
I was told later, “We knew something happened but we just didn’t have him babysit again”.
But for years I thought that my mind was sick.
I thought that I’d made it all up.
I must have.
No one’s confirmed.
Years go by.
15 years go by.
I met a girl that knew me.
I met a girl that knew him.
She had the same memories.
She had the same babysitter.
Finally!
I finally knew I wasn’t crazy.
But then it just felt like I was lost and alone.
Ignorance doesn’t make it go away.
Ignorance doesn’t make it feel better.
Ignorance made it happen to many others.

Fuck you ignorance.

Fuck you babysitter.

Fuck you memories.

#TimesUp – The second time.
He was a neighbor.
I let him in my home.
He brought a friend.
He left knowing his friend was not a friend of mine.
It was on a pool table.
It was unkind.
It was painful.
It was my fault?
I was silent. Again.

Fuck you neighbor!

Fuck you neighbor’s friend!

Fuck you silence!

#TimesUp – The third time.
He was a boss.
I was much older this time.
I was much stronger this time.
I held my own.
But it didn’t stop his attempts.
Over and over and over again.
But would I have let things go on as long if I wasn’t jaded by the first time or the second time?
This would go on for years.
But I figured out his other dirty secret and then it all stopped.

Fuck you boss!

Fuck you secrets!

Fuck you again!

I am NOT a victim.

#TimesUp – The four and fifth and sixth and…. times.
The guy in the parking lot that wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
The guy that fucks you to use you.
The guy that grabs you unasked.
The guy that loves you to use you.
The guy that leaves you to do it to someone else.
The guys that shroud their ignorance with excuses.

The guys that made it impossible for me to love fully and unconditionally. The guys that made it impossible for me to trust another.

I think, in the last 10 years I’ve known one man who made me feel whole again. He made me feel beautiful and strong and like I wasn’t the most fucked up person. He’s accepting and honest and kind and beautiful. He loves me and he tells me. He’s not afraid. He’s got the best soul and he makes me feel like I’m not broken. He’s a true beautiful soul. He’s a true believer in women. He’s my ex and my best friend and maybe one day we’ll be more when we’re both ready but for now. He’s just Dan.

I only bring Dan up because on a day that seems like such a powerful day for women I thought I’d give a shout out to one man that truly stands up for women. He’s the first and only real man that I know. I wish that wasn’t true. I wish I knew more but I am grateful for him because he makes all the times above feel like they never happened. He’s my blessing.

That’s what I have to say as the first post in a long time. So much has changed and maybe I’ll get back into writing. Maybe I won’t. But I just needed to put my blessing out in the world today.

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Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

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