My weekend was busy, very busy but didn’t have to be. I always have a lot of “maybe” plans. You know the ones that someone asks you to do something and you say “maybe” but only because you probably won’t. Well, this weekend I did almost all those maybe plans.
THE friend has been staying here since Wednesday last week. He left yesterday but it was a strange vibe. He’s been renting his place out on AirBnB and staying at his girlfriends place. However, they broke up. They just had their 2 year anniversary and they just broken up. I feel terrible for him because she has been the catalyst that he’s needed to get his life back on track and it’s been beautiful to watch it happen. But that puts me in the place of having company when I really just feel like being alone.
Most nights I’d gone out with friends for dinner or drinks or over to someone’s home to hang out because I felt like, “If I don’t get to be myself in my own space then I don’t want to be there.” What “myself” means is, I didn’t get to walk around without pants or watch my own shows much or just be my goofy self. It’s not that I can’t do those things around him but I didn’t want to. So I kind of just stayed away as much as possible.
Another thing that was strange is that I’ve always told the drummer that in my version of FWBs I don’t see other people. I’m only with one at a time because that’s just what I like. He never really commented on that and I never really knew what he thought, if anything, about my version of FWBs until the other night. I’d mentioned to the drummer that THE friend was staying on my couch and he replied while rolling his eyes, “I better not find out that you’ve been having sex with him and I’m not the only one”.
At first, I blew past that comment because we went into talking about something else but the more I think about it I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I’ve never lied to the drummer about anything, except that one time that I told him I don’t want love but I was lying to myself actually. I am a faithful FWBs though. Even if there were ANY feelings left for THE friend I WOULD NEVER do that. This all might have been another reason why I stayed away from my home the entire time also, because I felt like I had to…
This is weird for me. I literally have no feelings for THE friend and I felt like the drummer was accusing me of lying and cheating in the same breath. I then took a step back and just brushed off the whole thing as more weirdness and left it at that. That was until tonight. Tonight I actually felt bad that the drummer would even question me. I have been loyal and faithful and the one time that THE friend made a derogatory comment about the drummer I ripped in to him. I wasn’t going to have ANYONE say anything bad about the drummer. Just not happening. But then I realize that he (the drummer) still doesn’t know me that well yet. Also, don’t misconstrue my words. I don’t think the drummer was jealous. I think, in part, it was said in jest.
When we’re together (the drummer) he talks most of the time, which I’m fine with but as far as he’s concerned he just feels that chemistry. He doesn’t know my backstory. He doesn’t know the things I’ve done for him and I don’t want him to know all those things. You can’t just know someone immediately. But I feel like he should at least know that I’m honest and trustworthy. I care about him and I only want good things for him. I see this weird sadness in his eyes. I always have. I don’t see that sadness when we’re eye fucking each other but when he’s talking about life I do.
I have always gotten the impression that he’s had a lot of disloyalty around him and hurt and because of that I literally just want to see him happy. That’s all. No matter where that happiness takes him. I want him to realize that I am a great friend and that I will always be there if needed but that takes time. It will take him time to realize that I’m not going to hurt him. The “WB” part of us might not always be there if I find someone that I fall in love with but the “F” part will always be there.
I’m rambling now but moving on, the moment that THE friend left I immediately took my pants off and just layed on my couch and let out a sigh of relief. I got to have my home back.
I’m over the “over-thinking” above but found it interesting because if I can go 2 months without jumping into someone else’s bed then I have no issues not being attracted to someone that’s just using my yoga mat as a temporary bed for a few days.
THE friend did something extremely nice though. He bought tickets for us to go see a show in a month of a band that I really like. It’s payback for all the concerts that I’ve taken us to which is a very nice gesture. It’s also something to look forward to.
So basically my weekend was busy. Another weekend of working out, going out and the prior weekend I was able to pick up another private client so things are looking good right now. My boss is out all week so even though things will be busy I won’t have to worry about him bugging the crap out of me which is nice.
Since last Thursday I’ve been running off the drummer and my make-out session in the parking lot of the bar we went to but that’s almost made things worse cause that’s all I can think about and every time I do I just want to devour him. Oh, that chemistry… Wow. But also, some of the things he says, it’s all I need to “take care” of myself. I haven’t needed porn in a long time thanks to him but I will need sex soon or I’m going to explode.
I also need him to bite me and leave a mark soon. I don’t know why I like him to do that so much but truth here, I’ve never wanted anyone else to do that. There’s a lot of things that I only want him to do or that I only do for him. It’s a very weird, weird, relationship. I’m not sure I understand it and I’m not sure that I even want to understand it because that’s what makes it fun. I like having this unexplainable, secret, erotic ship with him. It’s exciting. He’s exciting.
Want I want though, I want a long night of music, intimacy and sex that isn’t rushed. I want us to be able to take our time with no limitations and just be able to be real and naked and vulnerable with each other. I don’t want to have to worry that one of us has to work in the morning or that someone has to be somewhere anytime soon. I’m not saying I want a sleepover I just want to feel free and connected for an evening. That sounds like the perfect night.
Of course, now that I’ve said that I won’t hear from him for weeks again. Blah, it is what it is… and on that note I hope you are all having a great week. xXx