Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

letgowhatcannotchange

My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

The Obscurities of Staying Happy…

It’s such a strange feeling to know that, because I am such a private person, I need to vent on this blog about my life but as soon as I do I know that things will change. Usually for the worse. I don’t know if that means that the universe finds out that I’m happy and then, like the flick of a finger throws out what was good or if someone is giving me “evil eye” through these pages and hoping that I don’t get to a happy place but either way I hate it.

I just recently put my words on here from last weekend. Truth is, it was a good weekend. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and was in control or so I thought. I’d felt guilty about messing around with someone who was married. That’s the truth but I also knew that their marriage had way more issues that me. I knew that. I knew that there were no emotions except sexual and I knew that there was a connection. So, knowing all these things, I’d gone to see my Shaman friend the night before the full moon. I explained the situation to her and she read my cards.

There were a few revelations that came up. The first card she drew was the temptress card. I almost gave her a devil stare. She said, “Right now you are a temptress and are attracting men. Regardless if they are the ones your want or not it’s something about you.” This is not news but it still doesn’t make me understand it any better. Yes, I am in a place where, for some reason, men (usually the wrong ones) are attracted to me) but why? Is it because I say whatever I want and don’t really care who’s standing next to me? Is it because I have this, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about me? What about ME is making me a temptress because right now I DO NOT feel like one.

It’s weird, I’ve been hanging out a lot with my boss’s girlfriend as well lately and she said the same thing. She and I had gone to rent a truck a couple weeks ago and the driver, who didn’t even speak English, asked if he could take me out? “Um seriously, like you JUST meet me 2 minutes ago”. I replied in my best most terrible Spanish that I was taken but was flattered. Luckily, my boss’s girlfriend is fluent in Spanish and cleaned it up a bit. But then, she’d gone to one of the band shows with me a couple weeks ago and told me later that the chemistry between the drummer and I was noticeable. She said you could cut it with a knife. I told her then that it didn’t matter because I wasn’t going to sleep with him even though I’ve probably NEVER wanted to sleep with someone so much in my life, and this was ONLY because he’s married. I said this knowing that she’d slept with my boss for years while he was married but I don’t censor myself because of someone else’s history.

Moving on to this weekend. The band played on Friday. It would have been one whole week since the drummer and I had even spoken, touched or… with each other. I don’t reach out to him and he doesn’t reach out to me. I guess we just assume we’ll see each other. Actually, I assume if he even wanted to be friends outside of the gigs then he’d reach out to me. BUT I was nervous, excited and tired as hell. But I’d also had a lot of other things on my mind. I was in my head so much that night and my friend was in a bad place because of a ton of stuff going on in her life.

The drive was horrible. I pretty much told my friend that I was out of it and wouldn’t talk much and I didn’t except yelling at the terrible drivers that continually got in my way on our over an hour drive. Part of my drive was contemplative. I thought a lot about all the crazy things that the drummer had said the weekend before. We’d both been drinking but to be honest I don’t think either of us actually were impaired that night. We knew what we were doing.

That night started out harmlessly flirting but at the end of the night I seriously needed and WANTED to get away from my friend because she was wasted and attracting the attention of unwanted men and passing on the unwanted attention of other men to me. I repeatedly told numerous men that night that I was in a relationship just to get them to stop grabbing my ass, trying to blow in my ear and other really annoying things that men do when I DON’T want their attention. Anyway, so I went out back to wait for the crowd to die down and just happened to be waiting on his truck bumper… OK YES! I knew what I was doing. But he came out and we actually had a pretty good conversation. But it quickly turned sexual.

NONE of this was started by me and it hasn’t been any time this has happened. He has always initiated things. But some of the things he was saying were just erotic porn which was poetry to my ears. But the entire time he was speaking we were both dead locked into each others eyes. It was… extreme. I wasn’t looking away and he wasn’t looking away and I knew he wasn’t going to and he knew I wasn’t going to… It was a whole thing.

After about 45 minutes of this porn poetry, that’s when he went in for the kiss that almost never ended. Within minutes he’d found THAT spot on my neck… It’s a special spot that not too many men have found but since he did I asked him to bite me and leave a mark, and that’s why I’ve looked like someone throat punched me for a week now. Then things escalated to the point that I ALMOST was willing to let him take me in the parking lot of this bar. BUT, I’m a lady not a whore AND because I did tell him that I wouldn’t fuck him because he’s married. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THIS TOOK! We have sexual chemistry BUT that’s all.

Here’s where guys will say anything to get laid. At one point he’d asked if I lived alone so he could come over early in the morning, have sex, lay in bed naked all day and then have sex at night. That would be a great night IF he didn’t have to lie about where he was. Then I asked him if he was snipped and he said no he was loaded and that we could have a little Peruvian baby running around. WTF! “I’m sorry. What’s your last name again?” But to be honest with you, the words that he said that pissed me off the most were when he kept introducing me as his “really good friend”. Uh, no, no I’m not. MY really good friends are people that I see outside of a “work” setting. They are ones that I have real conversations with. My ‘really good friends’ are ones that I would give the world to. THAT’S the part that made me realize this is a guy that didn’t really give two shits about the girl on the other side of his face was.

So all these things are what I was thinking about on the drive to go see the band this Friday night. I’d had a work thing so I was more dressed up than normal but still looked cute, I thought. We get to the location and the parking was a mess so we flirted with a valet who worked for another restaurant and asked if he would take our car then bring it back when there was a spot open. He reluctantly agreed but since I’d dropped a 10 lb weight on my toe the day before I was already feeling pain which my 4 in heels made worse.

As we walked inside I saw the drummers truck out front and I got nervous again. WTF! Guys don’t make me nervous. We went in and grabbed a table closest to the band and I sat down while my friend went and finished applying her makeup in the bathroom. He walked passed and said, “I’m so mad at you”. Again, all I could say is WTF? Later he explained that he has been trying to be “good” and I “mind fucked him”. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, not only didn’t that happen, I will reiterate that I have never initiated things and I have ALWAYS stopped them. So, uh, where is my mind fuck? Regardless, it was a strange night. I hadn’t told my friend what had happened even though she basically figured it out when HE confessed about my neck. I thought I’d gotten away with it I made her believe that I’d fallen but that was his big mouth. Neither of us would really keep eye contact and we really didn’t speak that much at all. I was hoping things would have gone better than that but the night was fucked up aside from just “our” weirdness.

My friends Mister was being strange to her and in turn she decides to get pissed off at him and flirt with another guy. Then a guy from the week before shows up and he’s now in stalker territory. So, she didn’t want the guy from last weekend around so she asks the new guy she’s flirting with if he can act as if they’re together so the other guy gets the hint. She’s also doing all this all while her Mister is on stage and couldn’t care less but everyone knows that she’s married so she’s just looking desperate now. I’m tired of having to explain to people that “No, she really is a good person”. It’s not my job to reconstruct other peoples opinions of her. But as the night is dragging on, I’m getting more and more pissed because the drummer “blamed” last weekend on me?

By the time the bands set was over I was almost in a rage. You guys should know by now that it takes A LOT for me to get pissed but beyond that to be in a rage. I’d offered to drive the guitarist’s wife to her car because she’d had to park it far away but the moment she got out and I made sure her car started and she was safe I started yelling. I was yelling, then screaming, then just incoherent. “How dare you blame your infidelity on me. How dare you act as though I’m just some fucking whore now that YOU feel guilty about it. How dare you claim that we’re such good friends and you treat me THAT way”. At one point my friend started talking about her Mister and I just fucking yelled, “Seriously, we’ve been talking about YOU for six months. Shut the fuck up and let me have five minutes”.

Just FYI, that’s NOT who I am. I am not someone who screams and yells and tells people to shut the fuck up. I am also NOT a stupid woman. But that’s who I was last night. You all also know that I am so blessed with the most amazing friends that would do anything for me if I was in need and asked and that I do that in return. I LOVE my friends and I don’t take calling or being called a friend lightly. So that’s why that pissed me off so much. I also realize that some of this anger is because I feel guilty. I know that if given the chance or the drummer just show up at my place I wouldn’t be able to say no because we have THAT much sexual chemistry but now I don’t even want to see him. I don’t want anything to do with him.

I liked our banter that one night back and forth. I think that he’s a brilliant musician. I like the chemistry between us both but that’s where it ends. I don’t know much about him except that we’re both Aquarius’s and we both read each other and know what the others going to do and say. Botton line is I always wanted a friendship from him and could have left all that sexual banter as just sexual tension that would have extinguished itself out one day but we don’t even have that chance any more. The difference between our mild flirtation being over and my friend and her Mister being over is that I won’t just go out and easily replace mine with just someone else. That’s not my style.

I’ll keep our/his secrets because that’s what I do but our short chapter is now closed. Too bad it only warranted a PG 13 rating but at least neither of us have to deal with the guilt any longer. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes strangers are just a season. Maybe we’ll meet in another life when we’re in different places than we are today.

I’m grateful for my quiet home tonight where I can reflect and move on. I’m grateful for my true friends that would NEVER let me down and know just how great of a friend I am. I am grateful for every experience I have because I know that I learn from everything. That’s what life is about, experiences and learning and enjoying while we’re all here.

xxx

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