Resolving to Resolve Love…

After having a very nice Christmas dinner out with my GBF and his sister tonight, she and I decided to have that “resolution talk” you’re supposed to have close to New Years. She’d started by asking me if I had any resolutions. I had to think about it but my first answer was to get fitter. That’s always a goal for me.

I start the year out great and working out all the time. I eat healthy and then life happens and I get distracted like a deer in headlights. I usually end up getting back to it sooner or later but I have goals and I plan to meet those goals next year.

The next New Years resolution was a bit different than the years before. I didn’t ask for a husband, boyfriend or love interest. I told her that I needed to figure out next year why I am so unlucky in love. That was my resolution, or IS my resolution.

You all know most of my stories. I either find a great man who I feel nothing for or I feel something for a total asshole. It’s like my love life has never been balanced. The men I find some sort of connection with have way too much drama or shit going on or they’re in the middle of something and nothing ever happens or the nice guys that look great to most women I feel nothing for. I swear it’s a curse.

When I start to think about my love life I understand why my Shaman says that when I do find the right one, my soul-mate, that we’ll be great for each other and have flourishing lives together. That we’ll be happy and rich both in moments and monetarily. She’s always said that the saying, “You’ll meet someone that will make you understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else” is true.

Truth though, I think I’m just done. I’m done waiting and I’m done looking and I’m done with selfish lying assholes or assholes that can’t keep the simplest of promises. That’s not just in my dating life. I’m just done with those type of people in general. Sadly I seem to know a lot of them. It’s a curse that I can tell a lie from a mile away and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of giving and giving and expecting anything different.

Yes, I’m not in the Christmas spirit right now. I’m just so exhausted of expecting anything different from men these days. There’s not even one that’s surprised me in a good way for a very long time. I’ve gone out of my way, gone out of my comfort zone for some of these and done things that I wouldn’t normally do and I don’t know why I expected anything to come out of it. I’m really not in a good place right now.

I wish I was someone who could blissfully be unaware of how so many people suck in life and just go around and BE happy but that’s not in my soul. I am someone who feels so fucking much but acts as though I feel nothing at all. I am the person who has to put a smiling emoji even though I’m about to erupt in tears. That’s just who I am and who I’ve always been. I’ve tried crystals, essential oils, motivational stuff, meditation but the one thing I’ve never truly tried to to cleanse myself of all the utter, selfish assholes in my life. I’m tired of being used because I try to help so many people.

I’ve tried religion, spirituality, tried learning new things. I’ve tried exercise as a form of therapy and I’ve tried to cleanse my space and my body and yet I keep being drawn to the life sucking assholes that couldn’t care less to ask me how my day is going and wait for the answer.

I’m done….

I’m done figuratively and literally going out of my way for men that can’t show the least bit of fucking compassion or care. Do I think I’ll change them in some way, shape or form? No. Do I think they’ll end up changing me in some profoundly great way? No. I’m literally just being a masochist. I have yet to meet a man that I’ve equally been connected to and that has treated me with any respect or sweetness. So why do I even waste my time anymore?

Again, I’m done…

This wasn’t supposed to be an angry post, I swear. I was looking around my home tonight with wrapping paper thrown everywhere and clothes that need to be laundered and a mess of wrapped presents and I decided that I wanted to write and this is what’s come out.

… And somewhere between the loud hard typing of my fingers and the words I’m typing I started crying realizing that I’m just so fucking tired. There’s so many times this year that some man has upset me, pissed me off or taken advantage of me and I’ve held my tongue. I’d decided at some point that it was more important to keep my cool and act as though things didn’t bother me than to actually say what I’m feeling, how they made me feel. These are the moments that I take long drives listening to pissed off music and scream, “FUCK!” as loud as I can.

I don’t really know what this year has or was supposed to teach me except that I let men treat me like shit for some dumb reason. I blame it on “connections” or because they’re in a dark place or they’re going through something but the truth is I know better. I’m fucking smart. I can read people and as much as I can sit here and read someone like a book it’s just so exhausting to explain to someone how they’ve made me feel when they themselves couldn’t care less and knowing that it makes me even more exhausted thinking about explaining myself.

I do believe in karma and I believe that some of these people will feel the way they’ve made me feel but that doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t want anyone to feel like this, used and unappreciated. As sarcastic as I am, and as much as I like to pretend that I feel nothing I do not have a mean bone in my body. So, as part of my New Years tradition I will write all the wrongs they’ve done to me and burn them and then just stop talking to them entirely because I am done. I don’t care how shitty your life is you do NOT have the right to take it out on someone that would do anything for you. Period. So to that, and those people, I am done.

I’ve said before that just because I have a “soul-connection” with someone doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay in my life. A lot of times they are literally here to just teach me a lesson, something that I’ve not been able to learn or realize on my own. Well, congratulations. Lesson learned.

This year started out so differently than it’s ending and that makes me cry too. Maybe I needed to cry. I’d been holding it back for a while now. So, since I have the entire week off work, I will finish my gift wrapping while watching horror movies. I will get ready to go out of town for a day or two and then I will just contemplate the bullshit that I’ve dealt with this year and really re-evaluate what I’ve been doing.

I will say this, when my GBF’s sister asked me what I’m going to look for instead next year my answer was pretty simple. I need an honest, drama-free and sweet man. That’s it. The rest of it I don’t even care about anymore. I need a guy that isn’t confusing and I don’t have to question his integrity nor do I have to question IF he cares. I’m tired of confusing someone caring about me or someone using me. I’m better than that.

Maybe I don’t “Love” enough or let myself but my opposite of love isn’t hate. I don’t use that word much at all. My opposite is much worse which is apathy. When there’s nothing left for me to give a shit about apathy is my worst quality. There’s a few men that will feel that soon…. I’m done. Nite.

Midweek boredom and other things…

I have been going out a lot lately and I’m a bit over it. You all know that I go through my phases. Every thing is boring to me and all the boys I meet are boring. There’s no originality any more. They are just regurgitating what every other guy has said. It was pretty bad during the World Series.

I like to watch sports. I’m not crazy about it but it’s exciting. Well, let me correct that. I like to attend sporting events but not so much watch it on TV. I’m not an insane fan but I can get on board with the home team if I wanted to. I was a lot more in to sports years ago but have lost interest to be an avid fan.

During the World Series though my friend and I had been going out to sports bars and restaurants and watching. There is something about the whole restaurant jumping up and screaming and hugging everyone around when we won the game that got us into the World Series that was fun to watch.

However, what was not fun to watch was the guys taking this opportunity to hit on the women that were there. This happened a few times. I don’t go out to pick up men or to have men pick me up. That’s not me. When I go out I try to stay in the moment with the person I’m with so their efforts are futile. Yes, I could have probably taken a few home. Yes, I probably could have had sex with a few of them but that’s so not what I want. I want passion and I actually want to feel something. Random sex isn’t going to do that for me, as much as I want the sex part.

I said here, not that long ago, that I am looking for something different. I’m not looking for a random hookup, not looking for a FWB, I’m not looking for yet another player who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and is allowed to treat them like shit. I see way too much of that. I want something that’s real and true. I want a guy who isn’t hooking up with a new one each week. I want a guy who has dreams and plans for the future. I want a guy who can love me privately and respect me publicly. I don’t need to make it “Facebook official” or obliterate social media with my dating status. I don’t need to be with him every day. I don’t even need to hear from him every day but I undoubtedly need the respect, appreciation and love that I’ve yet to find for some time now.

I don’t care if he’s into sports, I don’t care if he’s into cars. I do care that he’s into music and I do care about that “feeling” that I get from him. I need to get that feeling. You all know it but I’m tired of saying connection. I feel like a broken record most days when I write which is why I don’t write as much as I used to but the truth is I figure if the universe knows what I’m looking for then maybe by some Law of Attraction or some divine intervention that I’ll get that person sent to me.

I’m tired of a lot of things lately. I’m tired of expecting some sort of happy ending and not the kind you get in a massage parlor. I’m tired of being underwhelmed by humans. I’m tired of not getting any happy surprises. I’m tired of going out of my way to help people and either getting nowhere or it just being left unappreciated. I’m tired of people being in other peoples business. I’m tired of gossip and I’m tired of people assuming that I WANT to hear gossip.

I know. That’s a lot of shit that I’m tired of. On the other side of things I’m tired of not being able to be where I want to be in my dating life and I understand that some of it has to do with me not really giving these men that I meet a fair chance but when I meet someone I just know. You know? I don’t want bullshit and lies and fake kindness. I want real and true and honest. I would respect a man so much more if he came to me and said, “My life’s a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing but you make me happy” verses “I got my shit together, here’s some flowers and an expensive dinner.” I can see through bullshit and sometimes it’s a curse because I don’t get flattered at the gentlemen crap. I never have.

I think that a lot of women that date expect a guy to woo them and that’s fine but it’s fake. You think that the flowers and expensive dinners will always happen? No. I want to fall into comfort but not a rut. See, I can understand why my dating life is shit. I like the person I’ve become after moving back to Houston. I do but I’m even less inclined to just date someone out of boredom than ever before. But again, I do promise you that I do actually want a relationship but not a normal one. I have yet to find a man that can handle what I want with all the qualities that I want without having to explain shit. That’s when I know it’s real is when it just falls into place.

Let me bring up something that I can’t stand. I’ve said this before and it’s social media. I’m sure the original intent was a great idea but what it’s turned into is just fake news, fake photos and passive aggressive bullshit. I’ve had two Facebook accounts. One I used for personal and one I used for business. Several years ago I deleted the personal and just used the business one. Then when I started adding people on it I unfollowed everyone. I kept some uplifting people and sites on my feed and it became all about positivity but what I hate the most is all the passive aggressive shit people and yes, mostly women, about how they want these men that basically fall at their feet and worship them.

I’m all about worship each other but that’s where most of these people have it wrong. They are quick to judge the men and say that men don’t do enough and that men are always wrong and treat them like shit. However, how many of these women treat their man like a King if they want to be treated like a Queen? I started seeing these things women would post and then I’d see the men that were just worn down, beaten down by negativity and passive aggressiveness. This act does go both ways but I am a firm believer that we both have rolls. Women and men and in order for us to both be happy we have to both help not hurt each other. I am in not way, shape or form perfect but I do understand that in order to have a happy and healthy relationship you BOTH have to work and be positive and loyal and kind but truthful and appreciative and respectful.

I’ve spent my whole life quietly sitting by and people watching. Humans don’t treat humans right. I’ve seen karma get to people who have always thought they were untouchable. I’ve seen situations turn people cold and bitter and I’ve seen humans take out their past damage on people that didn’t cause it. It’s not always been a fun movie to watch but it has taught me a lot about people and who we are and how we treat people and situations. I don’t wish to reinvent the wheel but I do wish that people didn’t suck sometimes. If we take ownership of our actions. If we apologize when we fuck up. If we appreciate the people in our lives then everything else just gets salted in a good way.

So my point about social media is that it’s use today isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I see women my age and older holding men at a higher standard than they’re willing to offer to the men and that doesn’t seem fair to me. I’m not taking sides but am a quiet observer. I spend most of my life doing that. Observing. An old friend and I used to go to this local mall where they had these oversized super comfy chairs and we’d people watch for hours. We’d make up stories about them or our version or who they are. Course this was 20 years ago and we were usually super high at the time but it was another way of looking at the world or at least the people in it.

I guess my wish for today is that people try to happily surprise each other, be kind and forgiving too. I wish that 40 year olds stop using filters because it’s basically fake advertising and I wish that I find a man that I can treat like the King he is for me to be the Queen I am and that I can still do weird shit with. I hope you are all having an amazing week.

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Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

letgowhatcannotchange