Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

The Obscurities of Staying Happy…

It’s such a strange feeling to know that, because I am such a private person, I need to vent on this blog about my life but as soon as I do I know that things will change. Usually for the worse. I don’t know if that means that the universe finds out that I’m happy and then, like the flick of a finger throws out what was good or if someone is giving me “evil eye” through these pages and hoping that I don’t get to a happy place but either way I hate it.

I just recently put my words on here from last weekend. Truth is, it was a good weekend. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and was in control or so I thought. I’d felt guilty about messing around with someone who was married. That’s the truth but I also knew that their marriage had way more issues that me. I knew that. I knew that there were no emotions except sexual and I knew that there was a connection. So, knowing all these things, I’d gone to see my Shaman friend the night before the full moon. I explained the situation to her and she read my cards.

There were a few revelations that came up. The first card she drew was the temptress card. I almost gave her a devil stare. She said, “Right now you are a temptress and are attracting men. Regardless if they are the ones your want or not it’s something about you.” This is not news but it still doesn’t make me understand it any better. Yes, I am in a place where, for some reason, men (usually the wrong ones) are attracted to me) but why? Is it because I say whatever I want and don’t really care who’s standing next to me? Is it because I have this, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about me? What about ME is making me a temptress because right now I DO NOT feel like one.

It’s weird, I’ve been hanging out a lot with my boss’s girlfriend as well lately and she said the same thing. She and I had gone to rent a truck a couple weeks ago and the driver, who didn’t even speak English, asked if he could take me out? “Um seriously, like you JUST meet me 2 minutes ago”. I replied in my best most terrible Spanish that I was taken but was flattered. Luckily, my boss’s girlfriend is fluent in Spanish and cleaned it up a bit. But then, she’d gone to one of the band shows with me a couple weeks ago and told me later that the chemistry between the drummer and I was noticeable. She said you could cut it with a knife. I told her then that it didn’t matter because I wasn’t going to sleep with him even though I’ve probably NEVER wanted to sleep with someone so much in my life, and this was ONLY because he’s married. I said this knowing that she’d slept with my boss for years while he was married but I don’t censor myself because of someone else’s history.

Moving on to this weekend. The band played on Friday. It would have been one whole week since the drummer and I had even spoken, touched or… with each other. I don’t reach out to him and he doesn’t reach out to me. I guess we just assume we’ll see each other. Actually, I assume if he even wanted to be friends outside of the gigs then he’d reach out to me. BUT I was nervous, excited and tired as hell. But I’d also had a lot of other things on my mind. I was in my head so much that night and my friend was in a bad place because of a ton of stuff going on in her life.

The drive was horrible. I pretty much told my friend that I was out of it and wouldn’t talk much and I didn’t except yelling at the terrible drivers that continually got in my way on our over an hour drive. Part of my drive was contemplative. I thought a lot about all the crazy things that the drummer had said the weekend before. We’d both been drinking but to be honest I don’t think either of us actually were impaired that night. We knew what we were doing.

That night started out harmlessly flirting but at the end of the night I seriously needed and WANTED to get away from my friend because she was wasted and attracting the attention of unwanted men and passing on the unwanted attention of other men to me. I repeatedly told numerous men that night that I was in a relationship just to get them to stop grabbing my ass, trying to blow in my ear and other really annoying things that men do when I DON’T want their attention. Anyway, so I went out back to wait for the crowd to die down and just happened to be waiting on his truck bumper… OK YES! I knew what I was doing. But he came out and we actually had a pretty good conversation. But it quickly turned sexual.

NONE of this was started by me and it hasn’t been any time this has happened. He has always initiated things. But some of the things he was saying were just erotic porn which was poetry to my ears. But the entire time he was speaking we were both dead locked into each others eyes. It was… extreme. I wasn’t looking away and he wasn’t looking away and I knew he wasn’t going to and he knew I wasn’t going to… It was a whole thing.

After about 45 minutes of this porn poetry, that’s when he went in for the kiss that almost never ended. Within minutes he’d found THAT spot on my neck… It’s a special spot that not too many men have found but since he did I asked him to bite me and leave a mark, and that’s why I’ve looked like someone throat punched me for a week now. Then things escalated to the point that I ALMOST was willing to let him take me in the parking lot of this bar. BUT, I’m a lady not a whore AND because I did tell him that I wouldn’t fuck him because he’s married. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THIS TOOK! We have sexual chemistry BUT that’s all.

Here’s where guys will say anything to get laid. At one point he’d asked if I lived alone so he could come over early in the morning, have sex, lay in bed naked all day and then have sex at night. That would be a great night IF he didn’t have to lie about where he was. Then I asked him if he was snipped and he said no he was loaded and that we could have a little Peruvian baby running around. WTF! “I’m sorry. What’s your last name again?” But to be honest with you, the words that he said that pissed me off the most were when he kept introducing me as his “really good friend”. Uh, no, no I’m not. MY really good friends are people that I see outside of a “work” setting. They are ones that I have real conversations with. My ‘really good friends’ are ones that I would give the world to. THAT’S the part that made me realize this is a guy that didn’t really give two shits about the girl on the other side of his face was.

So all these things are what I was thinking about on the drive to go see the band this Friday night. I’d had a work thing so I was more dressed up than normal but still looked cute, I thought. We get to the location and the parking was a mess so we flirted with a valet who worked for another restaurant and asked if he would take our car then bring it back when there was a spot open. He reluctantly agreed but since I’d dropped a 10 lb weight on my toe the day before I was already feeling pain which my 4 in heels made worse.

As we walked inside I saw the drummers truck out front and I got nervous again. WTF! Guys don’t make me nervous. We went in and grabbed a table closest to the band and I sat down while my friend went and finished applying her makeup in the bathroom. He walked passed and said, “I’m so mad at you”. Again, all I could say is WTF? Later he explained that he has been trying to be “good” and I “mind fucked him”. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, not only didn’t that happen, I will reiterate that I have never initiated things and I have ALWAYS stopped them. So, uh, where is my mind fuck? Regardless, it was a strange night. I hadn’t told my friend what had happened even though she basically figured it out when HE confessed about my neck. I thought I’d gotten away with it I made her believe that I’d fallen but that was his big mouth. Neither of us would really keep eye contact and we really didn’t speak that much at all. I was hoping things would have gone better than that but the night was fucked up aside from just “our” weirdness.

My friends Mister was being strange to her and in turn she decides to get pissed off at him and flirt with another guy. Then a guy from the week before shows up and he’s now in stalker territory. So, she didn’t want the guy from last weekend around so she asks the new guy she’s flirting with if he can act as if they’re together so the other guy gets the hint. She’s also doing all this all while her Mister is on stage and couldn’t care less but everyone knows that she’s married so she’s just looking desperate now. I’m tired of having to explain to people that “No, she really is a good person”. It’s not my job to reconstruct other peoples opinions of her. But as the night is dragging on, I’m getting more and more pissed because the drummer “blamed” last weekend on me?

By the time the bands set was over I was almost in a rage. You guys should know by now that it takes A LOT for me to get pissed but beyond that to be in a rage. I’d offered to drive the guitarist’s wife to her car because she’d had to park it far away but the moment she got out and I made sure her car started and she was safe I started yelling. I was yelling, then screaming, then just incoherent. “How dare you blame your infidelity on me. How dare you act as though I’m just some fucking whore now that YOU feel guilty about it. How dare you claim that we’re such good friends and you treat me THAT way”. At one point my friend started talking about her Mister and I just fucking yelled, “Seriously, we’ve been talking about YOU for six months. Shut the fuck up and let me have five minutes”.

Just FYI, that’s NOT who I am. I am not someone who screams and yells and tells people to shut the fuck up. I am also NOT a stupid woman. But that’s who I was last night. You all also know that I am so blessed with the most amazing friends that would do anything for me if I was in need and asked and that I do that in return. I LOVE my friends and I don’t take calling or being called a friend lightly. So that’s why that pissed me off so much. I also realize that some of this anger is because I feel guilty. I know that if given the chance or the drummer just show up at my place I wouldn’t be able to say no because we have THAT much sexual chemistry but now I don’t even want to see him. I don’t want anything to do with him.

I liked our banter that one night back and forth. I think that he’s a brilliant musician. I like the chemistry between us both but that’s where it ends. I don’t know much about him except that we’re both Aquarius’s and we both read each other and know what the others going to do and say. Botton line is I always wanted a friendship from him and could have left all that sexual banter as just sexual tension that would have extinguished itself out one day but we don’t even have that chance any more. The difference between our mild flirtation being over and my friend and her Mister being over is that I won’t just go out and easily replace mine with just someone else. That’s not my style.

I’ll keep our/his secrets because that’s what I do but our short chapter is now closed. Too bad it only warranted a PG 13 rating but at least neither of us have to deal with the guilt any longer. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes strangers are just a season. Maybe we’ll meet in another life when we’re in different places than we are today.

I’m grateful for my quiet home tonight where I can reflect and move on. I’m grateful for my true friends that would NEVER let me down and know just how great of a friend I am. I am grateful for every experience I have because I know that I learn from everything. That’s what life is about, experiences and learning and enjoying while we’re all here.

xxx

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Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. 🙂

Setting Intentions and other Full Moon activities…

First let me explain just how powerful the moon is today and tomorrow… “We are having a major energy shift. Energy is currently super-charged while approaching a full Moon Total Eclipse. Six planets are in retrograde, Mars is appearing as big as the moon and intense geomagnetic storms are happening.

Signs that the full moon is affecting you:

  • Can’t think straight
  • Ears are ringing
  • Head is buzzing.
  • You’re struggling to communicate with others and feel irritable, angry, argumentative, zoned out, zapped of energy and are struggling to sleep.

If you are feeling any of that you are perfectly fine, in fact, you’re better than fine because it means that you are attuned to the universe and are going through a huge personal shift that will feel brutal but will push you through an extreme and much-needed transformation.

All of us are about to experience the longest eclipse of this entire century and at the same time go through the fastest, most powerful and turbulent life changes. It is highly recommended to take time out as often as possible over these next few days and quickly remove yourself from any situations that are potentially becoming explosive.

We’ll all notice our past coming back to test us and the decisions we make over this period will either show how much we have grown or how we are still stuck repeating the same dramas and maintaining ties that we know we should have cut some time ago.

This is our opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’ve learned from heartbreaking mistakes and we’re no longer afraid to end what is harmful and open up to new beginnings that hold life-changing possibilities.

Make sure that you are drinking lots of water, taking salt baths, walking barefoot in nature and take time out alone but mostly deep breaths and count to ten regularly.” – That information was used from ‘iamthebeardgod’ on instagram.

What does that mean for you? Well, it could mean nothing if you’re closed minded. However, if you believe then it could mean everything. We are NOT destined to be stuck in the place we’re at. Things, people, situations and the universe are always conspiring to change our world whether it be internally or externally. We just have to be open to the possibilities of change.

I’ve noticed some crazy reactions this week due to this full moon and let me tell you these are not unrealistic manifestations. I’ve seen someone rage so badly that it went on to effect, no less than, five other people. I’ve felt sexual energy that could be cut with a knife and felt others restless emotions more than ever. I’m being to think that be empathic is not a great thing. There are things to do though that will help get you through all of this and the main thing is to take a deep breath and go be alone. Since I have had a house guest since Sunday, I’ve done that a lot.

Another thing to do during a full moon is to set intentions for the universe at to what you’re looking for, whether it be in a significant other, financially, or just a clearer understanding of others. Find something that you want to change, embrace or understand better. Write it down or speak it into the universe. I actually went and had my chakra’s balanced last night which is a whole thing I’ll talk about another time but I left my friends place feeling “found” again and back in place. My body tingled and my head was clearer. It was a beautiful thing.

Today, though, I set my intentions for the things I need, want or desire because, well, that’s what I do…

  • I want a sense of purpose and belonging. I want to make everyone’s life better who’s around me.
  • I want financial freedom and a sense of security.
  • I want to be at peace with my past, presently so my future is no longer effected.
  • I want to be healthy, happy and energized.
  • I want my relationships to be strong and meaningful and powerful.
  • I want music in my life even more than now. I want to enjoy it. Let it move me. Feel it every day.
  • I want those around me to be happy and content yet always striving for better. I also want those around me to be calm and peaceful.
  • I want a happy, peaceful and sexually charged home 🙂 for me. I want a fun and loving home as well.
  • I want to feel confident, sexy, beautiful and powerful.
  • Now the fun part: Seeing my intentions for a romantic relationship 🙂
    • I want a man who is fun and funny.
    • I want a man who is kind and sexy.
    • I want a man who is tattooed and loves music.
    • I want a man who is beautiful and spiritual.
    • I want a man who looks at me and I feel it everywhere.
    • I want a man who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels and what he wants.
    • I want a man who is strong and happy.
    • I want an exotic man. (Maybe with an accent).
    • I want a man that wants to be with me because I am all those things and more.
    • I want an honest man who is also trustworthy.
    • I want romance and good surprises and communicates.

And those are my intentions for this powerful full moon. What are yours?

xxx

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Full Moon and other things…

I’m sure, by now, that you’ve heard about the moon tomorrow. Things are about to change. Everything is about to change or so some would have the world believing. I’m all about the full moon and how it effects people and situations. Plus, it’s a great way to recharge your energy.

I tend to do two things that recharge my energy. I try to sit under the full moon or/and I got to the beach. I tend to like to do both those things by myself but this week I went with my friend (my co-workers wife). It brought all kinds of drama up from her family and in-laws because, it appears, that everyone is crazy. I used to think I was the crazy one.

Here’s the weird thing about this girl and my’s friendship. It’s happened quickly and we both feel like we’re sisters. We actually look a like as well. We both have long blonde hair, green eyes but that’s about where things stop. Technically we’ve only been spending time together since March, so it’s not even been five months.

I’m bringing this up because her husband, my co-worker, basically asked me if she could stay here all week because he’s refinishing some counter tops and the smell in the house is terrible. I said sure. But I’ve been going about my normal routine of going out, my drives listening to music and seeing friends. Sometimes she’s come with me and sometimes she just stays on my couch and watches chick flicks. It’s basically like we’re already roommates. Since I’ve lived alone for such a long time it’s nice to have someone here.

But also, and I just realized this, but I’ve not had THE friend here but twice I think since October. You know what? I’m ok with that. The quick note on that ,to at least have closure, is that the last time we did see each other I realized a few things. First, we actually spoke… the entire time. Well he did for the most part. He told me about his life right now and how much it’s changed and how much he’s doing. He’s got a girlfriend which is a good influence on him. He’s doing really well.

I sat there and listened to him talk about his life and was so happy for him. I think that the hurricane changed both our lives but one thing it made ME realize is that I wasn’t helping him. I might have given him some joy in the beginning of our friendship but after a while I was just a dock for him to anchor his boat at and hide from the world. Toward the end of our friendship it became clear that it was masochistic for both of us. I have always wished for the best for him and I think he’s getting that now and I’m glad that I stopped wanting to hang out or texting back. We had a great “last talk” and I didn’t know it would be our last talk when it happened but now realize that we’re good and both in a much happier place. I never wanted to end up hating him and I don’t.

I took so much pain from the relationship that I, honestly think, stopped being “in love” with him a long time ago but never realized this. I was just… lonely or craving a relationship and held on to that so tight thinking that I’d never be that comfortable with another man. Well, that’s not what happened.

Since moving back here in October I have met the most interesting guys and started some really amazing relationships. I’m having fun. The back of my mind I will always be looking for a new relationship. I’ve put out into the universe that I’m ready for “the next big thing”. I’m setting my intentions for the full moon and will enjoy whatever comes. I’m excited.

A year ago, I’d forgotten to remember how beautiful things could be. I’d forgotten to remember how fun things could be. I’d forgotten to remember how happy I could be the moment that I released my attachment to things, people and situations. You CAN’T control everything but you CAN control how you feel about things. I’ve stopped having expectations. I’ve stopped dwelling. I am not perfect and am always trying to get to the next big step in my life but am enjoying the moments more. I stopped being mad at the universe for not giving me what I thought I was supposed to have which was a family, 2.5 kids and a dog in a white picket fence. That’s never been me. I’m not THAT girl.

What I’ve noticed since all those things above happened? I’ve been told that I’m beautiful and fun and crazy and smart and amazing and sweet and different and special and my energy is contagious and that I even look like Kristen Bell, Carrie Underwood and some chick I’ve never heard of before. But my point is people have said those things to me before but I was never in a place to truly believe those things before.

My life is weird and strange and I’ve said all that before and I’m ok with it. It’s different. I’m different. It’s beautiful and so am I.

My words to you today are these: Go outside tonight or tomorrow night and drink in the moon light. Drink in the power and energy. Throw out the negative and breath in the positive.

That is all for now. xxx

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Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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