After having a very nice Christmas dinner out with my GBF and his sister tonight, she and I decided to have that “resolution talk” you’re supposed to have close to New Years. She’d started by asking me if I had any resolutions. I had to think about it but my first answer was to get fitter. That’s always a goal for me.
I start the year out great and working out all the time. I eat healthy and then life happens and I get distracted like a deer in headlights. I usually end up getting back to it sooner or later but I have goals and I plan to meet those goals next year.
The next New Years resolution was a bit different than the years before. I didn’t ask for a husband, boyfriend or love interest. I told her that I needed to figure out next year why I am so unlucky in love. That was my resolution, or IS my resolution.
You all know most of my stories. I either find a great man who I feel nothing for or I feel something for a total asshole. It’s like my love life has never been balanced. The men I find some sort of connection with have way too much drama or shit going on or they’re in the middle of something and nothing ever happens or the nice guys that look great to most women I feel nothing for. I swear it’s a curse.
When I start to think about my love life I understand why my Shaman says that when I do find the right one, my soul-mate, that we’ll be great for each other and have flourishing lives together. That we’ll be happy and rich both in moments and monetarily. She’s always said that the saying, “You’ll meet someone that will make you understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else” is true.
Truth though, I think I’m just done. I’m done waiting and I’m done looking and I’m done with selfish lying assholes or assholes that can’t keep the simplest of promises. That’s not just in my dating life. I’m just done with those type of people in general. Sadly I seem to know a lot of them. It’s a curse that I can tell a lie from a mile away and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of giving and giving and expecting anything different.
Yes, I’m not in the Christmas spirit right now. I’m just so exhausted of expecting anything different from men these days. There’s not even one that’s surprised me in a good way for a very long time. I’ve gone out of my way, gone out of my comfort zone for some of these and done things that I wouldn’t normally do and I don’t know why I expected anything to come out of it. I’m really not in a good place right now.
I wish I was someone who could blissfully be unaware of how so many people suck in life and just go around and BE happy but that’s not in my soul. I am someone who feels so fucking much but acts as though I feel nothing at all. I am the person who has to put a smiling emoji even though I’m about to erupt in tears. That’s just who I am and who I’ve always been. I’ve tried crystals, essential oils, motivational stuff, meditation but the one thing I’ve never truly tried to to cleanse myself of all the utter, selfish assholes in my life. I’m tired of being used because I try to help so many people.
I’ve tried religion, spirituality, tried learning new things. I’ve tried exercise as a form of therapy and I’ve tried to cleanse my space and my body and yet I keep being drawn to the life sucking assholes that couldn’t care less to ask me how my day is going and wait for the answer.
I’m done figuratively and literally going out of my way for men that can’t show the least bit of fucking compassion or care. Do I think I’ll change them in some way, shape or form? No. Do I think they’ll end up changing me in some profoundly great way? No. I’m literally just being a masochist. I have yet to meet a man that I’ve equally been connected to and that has treated me with any respect or sweetness. So why do I even waste my time anymore?
Again, I’m done…
This wasn’t supposed to be an angry post, I swear. I was looking around my home tonight with wrapping paper thrown everywhere and clothes that need to be laundered and a mess of wrapped presents and I decided that I wanted to write and this is what’s come out.
… And somewhere between the loud hard typing of my fingers and the words I’m typing I started crying realizing that I’m just so fucking tired. There’s so many times this year that some man has upset me, pissed me off or taken advantage of me and I’ve held my tongue. I’d decided at some point that it was more important to keep my cool and act as though things didn’t bother me than to actually say what I’m feeling, how they made me feel. These are the moments that I take long drives listening to pissed off music and scream, “FUCK!” as loud as I can.
I don’t really know what this year has or was supposed to teach me except that I let men treat me like shit for some dumb reason. I blame it on “connections” or because they’re in a dark place or they’re going through something but the truth is I know better. I’m fucking smart. I can read people and as much as I can sit here and read someone like a book it’s just so exhausting to explain to someone how they’ve made me feel when they themselves couldn’t care less and knowing that it makes me even more exhausted thinking about explaining myself.
I do believe in karma and I believe that some of these people will feel the way they’ve made me feel but that doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t want anyone to feel like this, used and unappreciated. As sarcastic as I am, and as much as I like to pretend that I feel nothing I do not have a mean bone in my body. So, as part of my New Years tradition I will write all the wrongs they’ve done to me and burn them and then just stop talking to them entirely because I am done. I don’t care how shitty your life is you do NOT have the right to take it out on someone that would do anything for you. Period. So to that, and those people, I am done.
I’ve said before that just because I have a “soul-connection” with someone doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay in my life. A lot of times they are literally here to just teach me a lesson, something that I’ve not been able to learn or realize on my own. Well, congratulations. Lesson learned.
This year started out so differently than it’s ending and that makes me cry too. Maybe I needed to cry. I’d been holding it back for a while now. So, since I have the entire week off work, I will finish my gift wrapping while watching horror movies. I will get ready to go out of town for a day or two and then I will just contemplate the bullshit that I’ve dealt with this year and really re-evaluate what I’ve been doing.
I will say this, when my GBF’s sister asked me what I’m going to look for instead next year my answer was pretty simple. I need an honest, drama-free and sweet man. That’s it. The rest of it I don’t even care about anymore. I need a guy that isn’t confusing and I don’t have to question his integrity nor do I have to question IF he cares. I’m tired of confusing someone caring about me or someone using me. I’m better than that.
Maybe I don’t “Love” enough or let myself but my opposite of love isn’t hate. I don’t use that word much at all. My opposite is much worse which is apathy. When there’s nothing left for me to give a shit about apathy is my worst quality. There’s a few men that will feel that soon…. I’m done. Nite.