The Unapologetically Uneducated…

One thing that I find myself doing, a lot, is seeking and searching for knowledge. My GBF’s sister jokes that if one of us doesn’t know something, “Just wait they’ll look it up”. I do this because I have a thirst for knowledge which is much different in this world than a thirst for gossip. The also do this because I would be an uneducated useless human if I didn’t.

So back in school, I was horrific. Let me explain. I loved school up until High School and once that hit I found modeling which led to drugs which led to musicians which led to so much fun. I am inherently smart. On my standardized testing I always scored in the top 5% of the country. My IQ is technically “genius” but that’s just a number. All that means is that I can retain what someone else has asked me to.

To me, being intelligent is about the ability to research and make your own conclusion about things, ideas and people that have not been ingrained from years of scholastic repetition. Intelligence is the ability to, not always agree with someone’s ideas but to, find some sort of reasoning as to why things MIGHT be different and at the very least to listen to someone else’s idea.

My first real test of this was religion. I was raised until I was five going to church with my Grandmother. My father is an agnostic and my brother is an atheist. My mother, I believe, believe’s in a higher being but doesn’t really think much about it. Basically, I grew up being the family that allowed “grace” to happen as a preamble of a meal and waited to politely say “amen” but mostly, uncomfortably, doing it out of respect.

Years ago, my real truth expedition began. I read a lot about all kinds of religion. I even read the bible. I had many conversations with people from the Christian Church, Buddhist, Muslims, Shamans, Wiccans all the way through atheists. I wanted to know where their belief system came from. The majority of people inherited their religion and never found a reason to question it. Then were the people that basically chose an entirely different path BECAUSE the one that they’d inherit didn’t fit their lifestyle.

Now, doing my research I started in the Church of England personally but not by choice. I was too young to decide. Years later, as a teenager I found some solic in the Wiccan religion because of the draw to nature and the female presence. Now, and for some time I’ve been feeling out the Buddhist religion. In all my searching and researching I discovered the one basis of most all religions which is kindness. Let that sink in for a bit. Almost ALL religion states that one must live a kind life and be kind to others. So that is my first commandment, if you will.

The other issue is that I found a lot of religions to cast out people that didn’t fit a certain mold. I have a lot of gay friends and just because I am not one doesn’t mean that it’s ok for me to abide by any scripture that states anyone should be cast out for loving someone different than what they decided the “normal” would be. In the same breath some scripture states to not judge anyone else except that’s exactly what is done by casting out one type of person.

At the end of the day though, I believe just like in relationships, that religion is not a cookie cut type of situation. Things, people, technology all evolves but the one thing that doesn’t seem to evolve is religion. Why not? It should be used as a buffet that allows you to learn about each culture, meaning and ritual that each religion has and address to your own life accordingly.

That’s why I say I am spiritual. I believe in the sun and the moon. I worship nature. I try to treat everyone kind and equal. Isn’t that what life’s about? It’s about learning, educating and accepting those things that are not breed in you or jaded unto you by your parents, surroundings, or even school.

While I understand why a lot of people have chosen to believe in the higher power as he is set in stone in their cookie cutter religion, I also believe that in this world that we’ve created we’ve made the most easily accessible society the most lonely. We are more connected today than we’ve ever been before yet more and more people feel alone and disconnected from themselves, their families and the world. We can order a steak dinner to be delivered in 30 minutes but we can’t seem to be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

In that world described above I understand that some people choose to believe that the higher power is up there with open arms to embrace them at a moments notice. They feel less alone and always taken care of. I’m not saying that I don’t believe because there are times that I’ve cried to a higher power to take away my pain and suffering. I’ve blessed people that I didn’t know going through a hard time. I’ve thanked a higher power for getting me through something. There is a comfort in this. But I can not unequivocally say one way or another whether this is a fictitious image or whether it’s real. Truth is, I just don’t know. But I will always try to find ways to educate myself in all things because you can’t fight for something if you don’t know why you’re fighting for something.

I recently had a conversation with someone that had entirely different thoughts than I’ve had. He has different versions of what I’ve been taught to believe. His entire mindset seems like the opposite end of the spectrum. After he was done talking he’d asked if I, now, thought he was crazy. I replied, “No, I think you’re fascinating. I might not agree with everything you say BUT I will always listen.”. Since then I keep thinking of these things he’s said and done some research about this realized even more than no one should just be complacent to what they’ve been taught. Always keep an open mind and heart.

But, if you believe in nothing else, believe than kindness to all is never a bad idea. Even if you go back to the thoughts, or ideas that you’ve always had to believe in you’ve made an educated decision to do so. Believe in your convictions not because you have been told to but because you know, unequivocally that they are the truth that you’ve seeked.

Just my words tonight… Be kind. xXx

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Life Lessons and Strange Days…

My day has been strange. It should have been strange though. Once I tell you why you’ll understand.

About a month ago, my GBF’s mom came to visit. I’d met her once before but only for a brief moment. This time I actually spent a lot of time with her. We had dinner at his house (my GBF), I’d gone to pickup her Great Granddaughter so she could spent time with her, then, the final day I saw my GBF’s mom a few of us took her out for her 77th birthday. There was six of us. My GBF, his sister, his mom, his friend and a co-worker. That co-worker and I have known each other for as long as I’ve known my GBF. In fact, we worked together 22 years ago.

While I wouldn’t say that this lady and I were close friends we were friends and she and I could talk each other’s ears off. In fact, that night, we were. Because we hadn’t seen each other for a few months she and I spoke a lot and we’d decided to help each other through our “keto-journey” since I had a bit more experience with it. I was excited because it meant that we’d get to spend some more time together. We’ll call this lady Y.

So, after the dinner we all went back to my GBF’s home and had cake (I know, not very keto) but while Y and I were eating she looked at me and said, “Girl, 2019 is my year. This is the year I lose weight. This is the year that I find love. This is the year I travel and do things for myself. I will never forget those words she said to me.

A couple days after that birthday dinner she and I had a phone conversation, several emails and some texts all about how we were going to be each others accountability partners and how excited we were. Fast forward a full week after that dinner and Y wasn’t feeling well so my GBF insisted that she go to the Dr. Everyone around her just joked that it was the “Keto-flu”. It seemed to coincide with all those symptoms. Life went on around her while she was attempting to feel better and we were planning our next great carb free recipe. Life was good.

A week ago today, Y passed away, to the shock of everyone around her. Today was her funeral.

Funerals are strange events. People are remembering memories and laughing, crying. There’s children that don’t understand what’s going on around them so they’re acting like children. People bust out in spontaneous cries. You’re meeting different people that you might never have met before and then there’s cake…

I am usually stone when it comes to emotions. Sometimes it’s because I’ve put on 50 coats of mascara and sometimes it’s because of the company that I’m keeping. Sometimes I choose to stay emotionless so that others can have their emotion moments and I can be there for some strength. But today I realized that there were only a couple moments that I’d cried by myself but I did feel this loss. It wasn’t really until we got to the repass after the service and I’d met up with my GBF that I really felt the need to cry. There he was, sitting in his car. I’d handed him the program from the service where he was mentioned and there was a great picture of him and Y in there and he just let go. He also reacted to having any “feelings” like I would have. He pulled his sunglasses down, rolled up his window and said he needed a moment.

THAT’S the part that choked me up. It’s seeing others in a type of pain that I can’t do anything about. His sister and I then walked away, letting him have his moment. To know my GBF is to know that he’s a gentle giant. He’s a large statured man with a heart of gold. He gives until he has nothing left to give and doesn’t receive near as much from those around him. Through all the things I’ve seen him go through he has grace that has surpassed anyone else that I know and I constantly ask him if he’ll teach me his grace and patience knowing those things were never “taught” to him.

I thanked him several times for bringing his mother here for her birthday because if it wasn’t for that event I wouldn’t have gotten to see my friend Y and I wouldn’t have those words that she spoke to me ringing to vibrantly in my head “2019’s my year, girl. Let’s do this.”

Don’t wait. YOU! Reading this right now! DON’T WAIT. Say the things you want and need to say. Do the things you want and need to do. Be the person that you’ve always said you wanted to be. I have learned that death is the anathema to life but with death there is always a lesson. We are all on borrowed time. We are never guaranteed anything. Be kind, be courageous, be the reason that someone smiles, laughs for feels safe. Within everything is a teaching moment. This is mine and I hope that, at least, one other person chooses to use this as a life lesson as well.

My gratitude for today, this week and this month is to have known my friend Y and that my life was, and is better for it. I asked that her family be comforted and that she watch over them. I ask that my GBF find a peace in this and a comfort that he was very special to her and her family.

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Weekend Warrior and Some Rambling…

I’ll have to admit first that writing in the middle of the day is strange. The urge usually hits me after midnight but I’m sitting here with words trying to escape my mind. So, I thought I’d see what poetry or sober ramblings appear.

My weekend was long and unrestful. Friday, all I could do was wait for 5:00 to come. Although I knew we had a busy weekend of work to do as well. I’d started getting ready for a nice dinner out with my GBF and his sister to celebrate her birthday. Had no idea what the night would have in store after but looking forward to what ever anyway. The restaurant was a nice upscale steak house, darkly lit and wine menu bigger than the rest. We ordered, chatted and enjoyed while making friends with the waiter who gave us a lot of stuff for free. It was nice.

Earlier in the day my boss had heard from his ex-girlfriend’s best friend who said, “We need to talk”. I think it was the worst time for him to hear this as we had a big weekend planned and he emotionally broke down. To this day, he still doesn’t know what the “talk” is about but he’s a pessimist. So, he’s looking at the worst possible outcome. But he was crying, angry, sad, crying, angry sad… You get the idea. It was a perpetual roller-coaster. I get it. I’ve been there but knowing that he had to drive to the beach over an hour away after midnight I didn’t want him to go by himself. I’d offered to go with him.

Now, last week had been a crazy week for me as far as sleep. I got it when I shouldn’t have and didn’t get it when I was supposed to so my sleep schedule was all over the place. I knew it would be a late night so came home after dinner changed clothes and emotionally “readied” myself for my late night excursion with my boss. I got to his place around 11 pm and played with his dog for a while, while he finally ate dinner. We finally got on the road about 11:30 pm.

The weather fit his mood perfectly. It was dark, rainy, foggy and disruptive. It took us just over an hour to get there and during that time it was 75% of him saying the same things he’s said about the break-up as he had for the last few months and 25% of me being that nice supportive friend. We got to the beach and did what we went there to do and started the drive back around 2 a.m. At this point, I’m tired and cranky and that 25% of me being nice was turning into 50% of me being harshly real.

You see, about a month ago, I re-explained a memory or event that my boss and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight over and in no time he was able to see his mistake as to why it became a fight and why his girlfriend reacted in the way she did. I knew that he’d grown spiritually and emotionally just because for the first time in a very long time he was able to see the argument on the other side of things. Knowing that I’ve been re-telling him stories of events that have happened since I’ve know him and trying to explain to him that his actions or reactions have never been empathic.

The problem with all of this is that I’m not trying to bombard him with all these memories nor am I trying to make him feel like shit about anything but I’m trying to make him understand that he has needed to change for years. He’s finally getting it. Some days, with him, I’m supportive and nice and understanding but some days I’m real, honest and trying to teach him because right now, this very moment in time, he’s more open to understanding than ever before. I am grateful for THAT this weekend.

After getting home that night at around 3:30ish and fixing some sleepy tea I finally went to sleep around 4:30/5ish in the morning. I’d decided the night before that I was going to “ground myself” and not do anything except that lasted all of about a few hours. Before long I’d agreed to go to dinner. Then it was “I’ll just go see my DJ friend at a club for a minute”. By the end of Saturday night it was Sunday morning and I was no closer to getting any rest over the weekend what-so-ever. But it was nice to see my friends.

Sunday was a bit boring for me… See, nothing is ever good enough. I went from going out too much to not going out and now it’s boring. My life has very little balance in it in my mind. Some of that is because I’ve not been working out, meditating or doing yoga for a while now and I feel out of balance. So I need to get all that back and go back to clean living again. Where are my yoga pants again?

Disclaimer – all that above was written before midnight and now I’m home and it’s after midnight for the finish.

So that was my weekend which was fun and exhausting and long and short. Mondays are always hard after those weekends because I can’t seem to get my bearings. I can’t seem to find solid ground so I worked as much as I could and then decided to nap before dinner. My dream was so vivid. I woke up from my dream just trying not to move so as not to disturb the memory. It was a good dream. It was about the drummer which I’ve not heard from really since Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. We texted a bit but nothing came out of it. And THIS is where things are different for me.

You see, again, I’ve made myself a promise to not react the same that I did with THE friend. Just to be clear this situation is no where close to the situation with THE friend either. I don’t have “feelings” yet for the drummer because we’ve not spent as much time together but I realize that if I did spend more time together I probably would. I’ve promised myself to not run from those feelings.

I am also more understanding with this “ship” because I understand that the drummer is going through a lot of shit. Bundled in that term “shit” would be his whole life. I understand that “just some chick” doesn’t need to come in and change anything so I’m distant yet concerned and helpful yet, hopefully, not a pain in the ass. I offer my help, an ear, a shoulder, possibly other body parts all to ensure that he feels safe with someone. I’m not asking for all his secrets and feelings and dreams but because he and I are both Aquarius’s I’m well aware that we can try to go through the worst of things all by ourselves. I’m not expecting to be the “one” that he shares everything with but I am offering the help because if the situation arose I’d feel better that someone offered me the help. Even though, in my mind, I’d probably not divulge anything real to someone I barely knew.

The other part of this is that before, I’d have been so upset or starting to spiral about why “I’m not good enough” or some other girl brained crap. Fact is, this guy has so much going on it really has nothing to do with me. This isn’t about me. You see, in finding all the perfect words, phrases and examples of memories to help my boss in his current state I think I’m actually giving myself advice that I should be listening to. Now, I finally am listening. It’s a whole brave new world over here. That’s not to say that I’m not having those girl-brain moments but I’m learning from my mistakes. What’s the point in making them if you can’t learn from them.

There’s my weekend and my current state. This is where I confuse myself though because within my weekend there would have been a story about a boy that I met. He was sweet and we hit it off. That was actually a big part of my weekend but because I didn’t immediately feel a connection to him he makes a small no name part in my weekend movie. There’s so much more about life that happens but it’s always about those that I feel the most connected to. I’m learning to embrace the connections, trying to open myself more and trying to fill my good karma bank all in the same breath. While I seem slightly obsessed at times it’s just what gives me the power to write about. I meet guys all the time that I just don’t care to remember to write about. So much for this being a blog about my dating life. The drummer once said to me that I didn’t get the attention I deserved. I then told him I thought he wasn’t as happy as he appeared. Turned out that we were both right. Strange vibe that night… and for this night, I’m done.

Nite xXx.

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

A Late Happy New Year and …

The first thing is, Happy New Year to all of you. My year ended on a strange note and actually boring. For the first time in years I stayed home and brought in the New Year solo. My friend and I that I usually spend it with doing our “traditions” did it about a week late but for all intents and purposes it worked out for the both of us.

So, if you’ve been here for a while you know that my 2018 was all about, well, married men and the affairs that they have and some woman. I can safely say that I did NOT compromise my position on sleeping with a married man at all. Even though I was not sure I’d be able to hold out but I did.

My friend, the wife of my ex, and I did not finish out the year speaking. In fact, our last outing was way too dramatic and I actually thoughts that because of her antics I’d lost even more friends but that ended up not being the case. Well, actually the one “friend” that I did end up losing because of her was her mister who ended up being a piece of shit anyway.

That was another problem that I had last year. I chose to see the good in everyone, even long after they’d shown me who they actually are. I kept saying, “They just need a good friend” and then I tried to be one. You might think that’s actually a good trait of mine except it almost put a new added segment to my own #metoo movement. There is a difference between seeing the good in someone and just plain ignoring the bad, or even hurtful things about someone. Not sure I’ll delve into that story or not but in the end she (my friend) and I only just started talking again. I don’t like what she did to her husband, my friend, my ex but I understand why she did it. There’s a bit of reason behind her insanity. I am trying to be the friend that she needs in order to get help this year. We shall see. She is a fun person to be around but in small doses. I realized very quickly that in order for her and I to spend any time together out in the real world, or even just being silly girls inside my apartment I’d have to learn to shrink in size because she’s overwhelming. We’ll see where that ends up.

This year started with an immense need to help others. I started to realize that maybe I really don’t get to have that happy ending that all girls secretly want. Maybe I don’t get to have that fairytale romance or that earth shattering whatever. I’d decided that if none of those things are destined to be in my life then I would just enjoy a life helping others. So one of those “help others” actually started toward the end of last year and is continuing now.

My boss and his girlfriend had a violent, dramatic end to their relationship which I found myself being thrown into by both of them. It started with a frantic phone call early November at 3 am by my boss’s girlfriend basically saying that she was fearing for her life. By the time I’d heard from my boss the very next, early, morning I was screaming at him. I screamed at him that I hated him for what he’d done and that I would have called the police and blah blah blah… It’s now been just over 2 months and I’ve found myself as a confidant for him and a conduit to her. I have talked him off the ledge at 2 in the morning some nights and I have consoled her till she was so emotionally exhausted that she’s passed out from pure emotions.

People always ask me why I still work for this guy. Well, first, it’s been over 20 years of a relationship. There’s loyalty and love there. But I think some of the other reasons is because of his friends that become mine, his kids which I’ve watched grow since they were born and because we are, in the end, like family. There was one point, the day after the fight, that I’m calling his own brother and crying that he needed to get off his ass and just go sit with his brother (my boss) because I thought he was going to hurt himself. In 20 years I’ve never felt the need to get his brother involved but there I was basically ordering him to go see him. This has been a surreal experience and to be honest with you, I’ve watched myself grow through all of this and I think that whatever happens with them I will always cherish this time that I’ve been spending helping both of them.

Next, as I stated above, one of the reasons why I’m so loyal to my boss is because some of his friends become mine and I cherish them. They all have their quirks but the relationship that I have with each of them is so different. A couple weeks ago one of this friends, that he’s know since he was a tiny child, called the office. He was looking for my boss, saying that he needed a ride somewhere. I knew my boss would be out doing stuff and I knew that this guy was going through his own shit-storm of things. I offered my assistance in case my boss couldn’t. After a few minutes I got a call back from this guy who asked if I could pick him up. My idea was to pick him up and drop him off. Sound simple enough right? Think again.

My first clue should have been where I was picking him up from. The hospital. I pull up to the front and there is this seemingly attractive older man essentially covered in blood with a nap sack. My first words, “Should I be concerned that you’re covered in blood?” then started the weird, almost 2 hour, car ride. He didn’t have anywhere to go, he looked and felt like shit. Here was a guy, not just hitting rock bottom but slamming into the deepest, blacked bottom of the bottom all while landing on shards of glass. No wonder he called me his angel. He kept asking, “Why are you helping me? I’m a fucking mess.” The only thing I could reply with was, “Because one, you’re (my boss’s) friend and you need help. It’s ok to ask for it.” But kindness to this guy meant that he had full open season to continually tell me how beautiful I was and kept saying that “If I wasn’t a mess right now I’d be making a move”.

In a matter of a year this guys marriage had ended, his business went into financial ruins and he hadn’t seen his 2 year old son in a long time. I submitted some of my advice, assured him that he was loved and cared about by his friends and family and that he needed to get help because he was choosing to handle his black whole of emptiness with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. He is now, thankfully, in a 30 day rehab facility.

So these are just a few of the things that have gone on over the course of a few months and I realized something. First, people are so use to humans treating other humans like shit that the moment that someone does something out of pure kindness it’s, all of a sudden, weird or they have an agenda. Do you know how many times over the last few months that I’ve heard, “Why are you being so nice to me?” and whatever reason I have isn’t good enough. It’s never about money or favors or sex but only about the basis of every single religion which is kindness. Treat others how YOU yourself would like to be treated and because I don’t feel like I’m getting a fair shake at being treated with kindness I’m probably overcompensating. But is that a bad thing to be too kind? This brings me to my next thing…

So last year there was never a shortage of men that I could have had but I only wanted one. It became more of a conquest thing than anything but I couldn’t even entertain the idea of sleeping with anyone else because he was on my mind, not all the time but more than I’d care to admit. I’d seen this weird side of him though and one that he probably didn’t mean for me to see. I saw someone who was unhappy and not confident at all. I saw a man that had been beaten down by a woman so badly that it seemed like, in his mind, there was nothing that he could do right. I saw defenses come out and for some reason people were telling me all his secrets. No matter what these secrets were I still wanted to help this man that I started seeing as a hurt boy. There it is folks, my need to “fix” something that I didn’t break.

We’d messed around a few times but there was something about his soul that was attractive, maybe it is my need to “fix” things but I switched our relationship to a business one and not a “mess around with each other” one because, at the time, he was married. He told me a couple weeks ago that he’s getting divorced but I didn’t feel any different. We’ve never fully moved into the “friendship” that I want. Truth here is that I think this guy is insanely talented but he’s forgotten what it’s like to be appreciated. So, I started there. I appreciated him. Then I realized that after I’d heard all his secrets that he might not have a 100% loyal friend, so I tried to become that 100% loyal friend. None of this seems to be working out the way I think that I wanted it to but the weird part is that I don’t even know what I want, not from him anyway.

He is probably a story for another night but at least I’ve gotten these parts out of my head and on paper. I refuse to let this guy become another “THE Friend”. The one thing that there isn’t here is love. There’s respect and something else but not love. I couldn’t even tell you if that’s what I want. I have spent months and months trying to fix other peoples lives that I’ve forgotten and become unclear what I want out of my own life. That’s the real tragedy right now. I have no idea what I want. Except, right now, to sleep.

On that note, I’ll write again but for tonight that’s all and again, Happy New Year!

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Boring Nights Verses the Reality of a Dream…

It’s official, every single year around this time, my niece takes me down with some sort of illness. Kids and their little micro germs. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I spent time with her over Thanksgiving and I’d chose to feel like this after, ever time as long as she and I got to spend our time together. She is the one person in my life that has my whole heart. I remember her first Christmas where I held her all day in my arms and almost bit off the hand of anyone else that tried to hold her. She slept all day just like that. Fast forward a few years and she and I are buried underneath a blanket of plush animals snuggled together while watching a Christmas movie, all while her little germs permeate my immune system.

The next day, on the way back home, I knew I was about to be sick. I could feel it. As I’m on my 2 hour car ride home and my boss is talking my ear off about his broken heart which I’ve heard 1,000 times in a month, all I could think was, “Damn it, I’ll be down for two weeks”. For some reason I’ve always hated going to see the Doctor for something as simple as antibiotics which puts me out sick for 2 weeks. This year was different. My boss forced me to go to the doctor and get a script for something which has actually sped my recovery beyond years past.

But within this week things have been quiet. I’ve done as much work as I could before slipping in and out of consciousness and helped where I could. I’ve been lounging around in sweat pants with a runny nose and avoiding the phone as much as possible as I am not a pretty sound right now. So this week has been painfully boring. You all know when my life gets boring is when I start having these strange thoughts to run away, do something spontaneous or hit up some old flames to pass the time. I’ve done none of it though but did have a thought provoking conversation with my GBF tonight.

He was asking about my year in boyfriends, or boys in general. My reply was that it’s been pretty unproductive. I guess that’s not the entire truth but it’s not like there’s been a lot that I can talk about in public. I mean, married men all over the place. There was one at the beginning of the year and he was boring but attached. There was another one that was married that had “feelings for me” which I had absolutely no attraction for what-so-ever – he’s been blocked. There was another one that was sleeping with a friend that wants to continue something with me after he was done with her that I had absolutely no attraction to – he’s been blocked. There’s one that I am really good friends with that’s leaving to work in another country so we’ll still get to talk and I like talking to him but he’s married. The last one, THAT one, the one that I will probably always be attracted to but will never see again and he’s married.

These boys got my GBF and I talking about what I should have done differently all year. But it started with me asking the guy that’s leaving the country why married men are attracted to me and he said, “Well, cause you’re cool, down-to-earth, and because you don’t nit-pick. You’re down for whatever and you have a temptressness about you.” I don’t even think that’s a word but never would have said that before this year. Truth is that none of those guys saw 100% of who I am and never really cared to either. But now that I’ve said that I don’t know that anyone has, or even come close.

So what would I have done differently this year? Well, the boring and attached, I would have been done with him sooner. The one that had feelings for me I would have made it even more simple that I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him what-so-ever. The one that was sleeping with a friend first, I would have not tried to help him so much with advice, apparently me giving him dating advice was just wrong and I would have probably have blocked him sooner. The one that’s leaving I probably wouldn’t have done anything different with him because I kind of like where we’re at with each other. There’s no cheating but some great conversations and a little bit of sexting. The last one, Oh the last one… Being that I will probably never see him again I’d probably have had sex with him back in a parking lot months ago, then at least, he’d be out of my system and I could stop thinking about him. I mean it’s just sex anyway.

But instead of having the sex I’ve tried to move him to this box of “business friendship” where I try to help him out using my connections at work. I don’t understand why it’s so important for me to help him though. He’s never really done anything outstanding for me. He’s never been overly nice to me. Yes, we have a crazy sexual chemistry but that’s all. I’ve talked about this before that what I’m doing isn’t happening organically. It doesn’t feel right. It’s weird. But it’s so important for me to hit up people that I’ve done business with for at least a decade to help him that I find myself wondering why… and I’m at a loss.

I don’t really know him well. What I do know about him is from rumors of others and it’s not been very nice but still I want to help. Maybe it’s my need to find a purpose for everyone that I meet and as of right now I don’t know why I met him. Maybe it’s the sexual chemistry except if I don’t ever see him again then what does that matter? I am really at a loss for what this one is supposed to have taught me and why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive.

These are the things I think about on a life hiatus¬† while being sick. I asked the universe for the answer but she has a funny way of not answering me in a plain and simple way so there’s no confusion. Instead, I keep having this recurring dream that he comes over, drunk one night and we dance in the dark to an old jazz record of mine and then we have sex for hours until he falls asleep. Then I go to the patio in just a t-shirt and watch the rain. He comes out and just wraps his arms around me and tells me that he doesn’t want to wake up and have me not be next to him… Then I wake up.

Is this my subconscious telling me that I’m needing some romance in my life, the romance that I’ve pushed away for years? I have no idea and now I think that my NyQuil has kicked in because I’m talking about romance with a guy that I don’t even know, or even know if I even like, or that I’ll ever see again. Maybe it’s just me thinking about the last time that I actually felt anything at all. Who knows?… But since I have an excuse that I’m on medicine here’s to dancing in the dark to jazz records, lots and lots of sex and kisses on the neck in the rain.

Nite… xXx

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