I have spoken about how the hurricane four years ago constituted a change that needed to happen and that I am grateful for that. Since then, I have just recently moved again. That, however, was NOT for the best reasons.
I felt like I needed a change of scenery. I needed another cleansing. But the truth is that I was running away from yet another heartbreak.
I received a notification on here a few months ago of my 12 year WordPress anniversary. I can’t believe I’ve been writing on here for that long. Each time my heart breaks beyond what I think is comparable I feel like I need to scrub away everything that I can. I’ve deleted posts from here three times now, I’ve moved, I’ve gotten rid of mattresses and other furniture and I’ve gotten rid of clothes and shoes. All because whatever it was reminded me of someone.
As you can see I don’t handle heart break well. I don’t even handle love well so… I thought that I’d have handled this last one better because it was so insignificant as far as time. The feelings, however, were much different.
This last one was a chemical, mental, emotional and physical anomaly. It was one that snuck up on me then disappeared as quickly as it came but shook me to my core. I felt and still, to this day, feel the pain that he holds and I still feel like we’re connected on a deeper level than I’ve ever been.
I’ve done so much self healing and releasing him and just when I think I’m done and I’m ok I’ll have a dream with him in it or I’ll see or speak with a friend that we both know. Logically I know that we’ll never speak or see each other again and I’ve tried to move on by dating other people but emotionally this connection won’t go away.
I had been doing pretty good these last few days but I’d gone to see my hair stylist today, in a new shop, in a new part of town and just as I’m thinking about one of the new “potentials who happens to live close to the salon I hear the song of the day on their stereo.
The guy I’m talking about proclaimed this song as “ours”. There’s a longer story behind it but it was more the timing of today as if the universe was saying, “Don’t think about the other guy, you and ‘insert name here’ aren’t done yet”. I wish, in my heart that that’s true but in my head I know we are… Do you know what it’s like to fight with your heart and your head ALL THE TIME!
I’m hoping these things will calm down after the full moon but tonight…. I’m not ok and I wish I WAS Better. Enjoy tonight’s song… XXX
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