Weekend Relaxing…

As you all know I’ve been feeling a bit out of place lately, uncomfortable in my own skin again. Last week, at the last minute, my crazy friend mentioned she wanted to go out of town. I’d had plans all weekend but canceled them and said sure. So she and I went off to Austin for the weekend. I’d called my brother and asked if it was ok. I specified that we ONLY wanted to relax and not be entertained or actually do anything. It happened to be the perfect weekend.

We were planning on just going up Saturday and coming back Sunday at first. Then she called me Friday and said, “Fuck it. Lets go now.” So we’d got on the road just after 4 and literally spent the entire weekend just relaxing. My friend, who’s usually a talker, spent most of the weekend quiet, contemplative. I spent most of the weekend hanging with my niece, jumping on the trampoline and relaxing in his backyard. The weather was perfect. By the end of the weekend I had no regrets of canceling on anyone and even less regrets about spending most of the weekend in my pajamas.

With everything that’s been going on with friends, men and work I didn’t realize how much I really needed to get away. It was cathartic. It was sad though that the moment I came back, to my home, I immediately felt disconnect and crazed again. It felt like the moment I got back home I went immediately in my own head which is where I tend to overthink. My friend has already asked me when we can go back because it was that relaxing there.

I don’t really know whats wrong again. Obviously inside my head way too much but it’s other things too. Missing people, realizing some people really weren’t worth my time and realizing just how hard it is to find solid soul connections in my life. On the drive to my brothers my friend tried to bring up a few things and I just said, “Nope. Don’t want to talk about that/him/them.” So we didn’t talk much about anything all weekend. We got a little too high Friday night but had a blast anyway. Didn’t drink at all and we both actually slept well. I got the room next to my niece with gerbils who are actually kind of cool pets. (Random thought there).

But now I’m back, what’s next? I was supposed to go to a lunch meeting on the other side of town close to the beach at one of my clients this afternoon but that got moved to tomorrow. That means that I got dressed up and out of my pajamas, unpacked my boots and jacket for nothing. Whatever, I looked cute. 🙂

So back to, “What do I do now?” I have no idea. I guess I’m giving up on the relationship front again. I’m stopping the dates and only hanging with friends till at least after the holidays are over. That’s one thing that I guess with stop me from being in my head. Another thing, I had a friend ask me if I wanted to book bands for him at a new bar he’s opening late next year. It would be an extra paying job, so much fun and I’ve done it before so I know what I’m doing. Plus knowing a crap load of musicians in town and bands would make it easy. I wouldn’t be doing anything till next year though which allows me time to do my regular 9-5 job, plus my private clients and then help him. It’s something else to take my mind off shit. I basically told him that if he allowed me to throw some charity events there also I’d totally do it. He said I could do whatever I wanted.

Something you don’t know about me, when I was about 14/15ish I’d written a business plan for a coffee shop during the day and a bar/club at night. It was so detailed and I even got the name registered at the county courthouse. I’d always wanted to own/run a bar/restaurant establishment. I think mostly it’s my love of music because I wanted to have acoustic nights, band nights and charity events back then. Never did anything further than that though which is stupid because I know so many people now that would invest in my ideas. I guess it’s good to know people that have too much money than they know what to do with sometimes.

I actually have a lot of work to do now that my lunch meeting has been rescheduled but didn’t feel like doing that so I’m getting my thoughts out here so I have less to think about… Actually that’s not even going to matter since it’s a full moon tonight which is auspicious for my Aquarius people. I’m starting to believe less and less of that shit though since none of the good stuff is happening or I’m feeling too much of the bad stuff. I don’t know what this “stage” in my life is about. What I do know is that I need some unexpected happy surprises soon or I’m moving far far away.

So that’s what’s in my head for now. Not feeling connection to anyone or anything right now sucks. I might write later or not for weeks. Depends on what’s going on with me. I hope you’re all having an amazing week! xXx

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Midweek boredom and other things…

I have been going out a lot lately and I’m a bit over it. You all know that I go through my phases. Every thing is boring to me and all the boys I meet are boring. There’s no originality any more. They are just regurgitating what every other guy has said. It was pretty bad during the World Series.

I like to watch sports. I’m not crazy about it but it’s exciting. Well, let me correct that. I like to attend sporting events but not so much watch it on TV. I’m not an insane fan but I can get on board with the home team if I wanted to. I was a lot more in to sports years ago but have lost interest to be an avid fan.

During the World Series though my friend and I had been going out to sports bars and restaurants and watching. There is something about the whole restaurant jumping up and screaming and hugging everyone around when we won the game that got us into the World Series that was fun to watch.

However, what was not fun to watch was the guys taking this opportunity to hit on the women that were there. This happened a few times. I don’t go out to pick up men or to have men pick me up. That’s not me. When I go out I try to stay in the moment with the person I’m with so their efforts are futile. Yes, I could have probably taken a few home. Yes, I probably could have had sex with a few of them but that’s so not what I want. I want passion and I actually want to feel something. Random sex isn’t going to do that for me, as much as I want the sex part.

I said here, not that long ago, that I am looking for something different. I’m not looking for a random hookup, not looking for a FWB, I’m not looking for yet another player who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and is allowed to treat them like shit. I see way too much of that. I want something that’s real and true. I want a guy who isn’t hooking up with a new one each week. I want a guy who has dreams and plans for the future. I want a guy who can love me privately and respect me publicly. I don’t need to make it “Facebook official” or obliterate social media with my dating status. I don’t need to be with him every day. I don’t even need to hear from him every day but I undoubtedly need the respect, appreciation and love that I’ve yet to find for some time now.

I don’t care if he’s into sports, I don’t care if he’s into cars. I do care that he’s into music and I do care about that “feeling” that I get from him. I need to get that feeling. You all know it but I’m tired of saying connection. I feel like a broken record most days when I write which is why I don’t write as much as I used to but the truth is I figure if the universe knows what I’m looking for then maybe by some Law of Attraction or some divine intervention that I’ll get that person sent to me.

I’m tired of a lot of things lately. I’m tired of expecting some sort of happy ending and not the kind you get in a massage parlor. I’m tired of being underwhelmed by humans. I’m tired of not getting any happy surprises. I’m tired of going out of my way to help people and either getting nowhere or it just being left unappreciated. I’m tired of people being in other peoples business. I’m tired of gossip and I’m tired of people assuming that I WANT to hear gossip.

I know. That’s a lot of shit that I’m tired of. On the other side of things I’m tired of not being able to be where I want to be in my dating life and I understand that some of it has to do with me not really giving these men that I meet a fair chance but when I meet someone I just know. You know? I don’t want bullshit and lies and fake kindness. I want real and true and honest. I would respect a man so much more if he came to me and said, “My life’s a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing but you make me happy” verses “I got my shit together, here’s some flowers and an expensive dinner.” I can see through bullshit and sometimes it’s a curse because I don’t get flattered at the gentlemen crap. I never have.

I think that a lot of women that date expect a guy to woo them and that’s fine but it’s fake. You think that the flowers and expensive dinners will always happen? No. I want to fall into comfort but not a rut. See, I can understand why my dating life is shit. I like the person I’ve become after moving back to Houston. I do but I’m even less inclined to just date someone out of boredom than ever before. But again, I do promise you that I do actually want a relationship but not a normal one. I have yet to find a man that can handle what I want with all the qualities that I want without having to explain shit. That’s when I know it’s real is when it just falls into place.

Let me bring up something that I can’t stand. I’ve said this before and it’s social media. I’m sure the original intent was a great idea but what it’s turned into is just fake news, fake photos and passive aggressive bullshit. I’ve had two Facebook accounts. One I used for personal and one I used for business. Several years ago I deleted the personal and just used the business one. Then when I started adding people on it I unfollowed everyone. I kept some uplifting people and sites on my feed and it became all about positivity but what I hate the most is all the passive aggressive shit people and yes, mostly women, about how they want these men that basically fall at their feet and worship them.

I’m all about worship each other but that’s where most of these people have it wrong. They are quick to judge the men and say that men don’t do enough and that men are always wrong and treat them like shit. However, how many of these women treat their man like a King if they want to be treated like a Queen? I started seeing these things women would post and then I’d see the men that were just worn down, beaten down by negativity and passive aggressiveness. This act does go both ways but I am a firm believer that we both have rolls. Women and men and in order for us to both be happy we have to both help not hurt each other. I am in not way, shape or form perfect but I do understand that in order to have a happy and healthy relationship you BOTH have to work and be positive and loyal and kind but truthful and appreciative and respectful.

I’ve spent my whole life quietly sitting by and people watching. Humans don’t treat humans right. I’ve seen karma get to people who have always thought they were untouchable. I’ve seen situations turn people cold and bitter and I’ve seen humans take out their past damage on people that didn’t cause it. It’s not always been a fun movie to watch but it has taught me a lot about people and who we are and how we treat people and situations. I don’t wish to reinvent the wheel but I do wish that people didn’t suck sometimes. If we take ownership of our actions. If we apologize when we fuck up. If we appreciate the people in our lives then everything else just gets salted in a good way.

So my point about social media is that it’s use today isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I see women my age and older holding men at a higher standard than they’re willing to offer to the men and that doesn’t seem fair to me. I’m not taking sides but am a quiet observer. I spend most of my life doing that. Observing. An old friend and I used to go to this local mall where they had these oversized super comfy chairs and we’d people watch for hours. We’d make up stories about them or our version or who they are. Course this was 20 years ago and we were usually super high at the time but it was another way of looking at the world or at least the people in it.

I guess my wish for today is that people try to happily surprise each other, be kind and forgiving too. I wish that 40 year olds stop using filters because it’s basically fake advertising and I wish that I find a man that I can treat like the King he is for me to be the Queen I am and that I can still do weird shit with. I hope you are all having an amazing week.

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Missing things, times and people…

One of the many things that losing all my shit in a hurricane taught me was to release attachments. I had created attachments to people, places, things… Most of that became useless when I realized I didn’t have that anymore. I realized that I’d become attached to an item because it reminded me of a time and of a feeling. Once I lost those things though I realized that the feelings were still there if I’d just close my eyes and think about them enough.

A lot of those items that I lost had to do with times in my twenties or late teens. I was heavily into drugs and friends at this point in my life. Nothing else mattered to me. I’d kept a job since I was young that allowed for me to have this other life away from the normalcy of just being a young adult. This weekend I was transported back to that time.

Between my excursions out for the last few days I’d started watching HBO’s Euphoria. I knew that I’d wanted to watch it for a while but I also knew that it would bring back memories. It did. So many memories.

For a while, back then, there was three couples. Three girls and three boys and we’d all get together on the weekends and either go to someone’s home that was minus the adults, a hotel or my home because my parents didn’t really parent very well. We’d setup our lights, music and toys and we’d all take acid, ecstasy or a mixture of both and spend the next 12 hours completely engulfed in a world that we’d created, an escape, a delusion.

Sometimes we’d split off into pairs or threes, not sexually, but we’d all have different vibes within our one vibe. There’d be these moments of us lying on each other, playing with each others hair, giving back rubs or just kissing each other and it felt so comfortable. I am lucky enough to have never had a bad trip but mostly it was because we were careful with who we left around us when we were fucked up if we let anyone else around at all. We’d always do it in a safe surrounding and we were all just so close anyway.

One of the guys in the group, who was like a brother to me, was sitting in front of me one night on a candy flipping experience (both acid and molly) and I was giving him a back rub. I remember so vividly when he lied back, took my arms and wrapped them around him as he did the same with my legs and he kept saying that we were, in that moment, bound together as one. I still remember how that exact moment felt. To describe it, it felt warm, safe and like home. I think that we stayed like that for hours just being one together in the moment but nothing sexual but so magical. I miss those moments.

I bring up these moments probably more than I should because they were all self induced drug delusions but salted with the most amazing emotions. These were the days, the times when I left myself feel whatever I wanted to. I felt safe, comforted and connected to those five people more than you could imagine. I don’t think I’ve been as true to my emotions since then. I don’t think I’ve felt as safe, connected or comforted as much ever since.

Maybe that’s why I keep my heart locked in a box and wrapped so tightly. Maybe it’s all the trauma that happen before or after those moments. Maybe I’m just so fucking scared of being hurt. I don’t know if there’s even just one reason that I do but what I do know is that even if I did feel something for someone it would probably take the most amazing soul connection I’ve ever had to open that box up. I’m not even sure if I’d remember where the key for it even was.

A friend and I were talking about these moments tonight on a drive around the city. It’s hard to explain those feelings to someone who’s never taken drugs or has never had those types of experiences. But I tried. She’s someone that I’ve grown closer to over the last couple years but that still doesn’t really know me well enough to understand my fucked-up-ness. She’s always one who tries to get me to say yes to all these guys I meet and doesn’t understand my need to feel connected to them first.

Tonight she asked if I missed being in a relationship. I’d told her that I did but not for the reasons she thought. I don’t miss the sex. I don’t miss the dates. What I miss is the more intimate moments, in my mind, which boil down to taking care of someone else. I want to emotionally take care of someone else. There’s been few in my life that I’ve had these moments with because they seem so personal to me but I miss being able to take care of a man, whether it be a backrub, cooking dinner or having him lay on my lap and run my fingers through his hair.

I know that it doesn’t seem like it here sometimes but I have a serious nurturing nature about me. It doesn’t come out much at all but it’s there. I miss missing someone so much and having them miss me to the same extent. I miss going to bed next to someone with their arm wrapped around me and their breath on my neck. I literally miss all that so much more than the physicality of a sexual relationship. I would actually trade in the sex part for the rest most days and you all know how much I like the sex part so that’s saying a lot.

No, I’m not drunk right now. I’m completely sober and just missing things, people and times in my head and in my heart tonight. While it’s almost 3 a.m. and I had a good night tonight I’m in a strange familiar place in my head wishing I was somewhere else, with someone else.

What’s strange in my head is that I can’t remember the first boy I ever kissed but I remember the first time someone held my hand the right way. I remember a kiss in the rain one night. I remember the first time a boy kissed the exact spot on my neck that made me shiver. I remember less and less of the sex but more and more about the feelings when those tiny things happened. That time a boy grabbed my waist and I didn’t feel self-conscious. I remember the songs that played in the background of the first time I danced in the living room of a guy I liked in the dark. Those memories, those feelings are all so beautiful in my mind and so vivid.

I don’t want to relive those moments. I want to make new moments that I can remember. I truly appreciate that I’ve got those memories but just want knew ones that I can think about and relive those feelings later.

I don’t know. I’m having a nostalgic and kind of sad evening. As much as I miss those days, like I said, I don’t want those day back. I want new days and someone that I can take care of and make feel like the only man in the world. I like the idea of treating a man so well that it takes his cares and problems away if just for an hour or two. I just miss a lot of things tonight. It’s moments like this that I feel like staying in bed all day and sleeping so I can relive, in my mind, those good times. But I don’t. I get up, fix my coffee and put one my makeup for the day.

I think I’m just having a hard time thinking if I miss a time, a thing or a person more today and my fear is if it’s the person then that makes me even more sad. I don’t do well missing people in my life. Truth is, if I actually admit that I miss someone they better actually believe that I do because that doesn’t happen much and I won’t lie if I haven’t even noticed their absence.

It feels like I’m all over the place again so before I say something that will make me want to delete it tomorrow I’m going to try to get some sleep. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. Nite xXx

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The Starlight of Emotions…

I think I need to find a new word for weird. It’s not that my week has been that weird compared to my normal days but it’s weird for most adults. Most of my week has been working, working out and barely going out. I don’t know why I’ve chosen this week to stay in. It might have something to do with the two people I spend the most time with going to Vegas.

I’d declined to go with them on their Vegas trip because that would have made my fifth trip and to be honest Vegas is a great city at night but during the day looks like trash to me. I do need a vacation soon though but I might just run off into the forest and camp for a few days and take mushrooms.

On thing about working from home, aside from the freeing feeling of being able to walk around and work with my pj’s or just a t-shirt on, is that you start to feel a bit disconnected to your co-workers. There’s days that go by and we don’t even talk so when my boss called me the other day and asked what my holiday plans were so that he could make his I bit his head off. My reply was that my job has never been dependent on him or where he is so it really doesn’t matter when he takes off since he basically takes everyday off. He replied with, “Calm your tits” which in turn made me reply with “fuck off and sober up”. I will never not say we don’t have a weird relationship but there’s something really nice about being able to tell your boss to fuck off.

I fight with him more than anyone else in my life. I’ve fought with him more than any boyfriend, relative, friend. We are each other’s longest relationships ever and I joke with him that when I leave his ass for someone who pays better then he owes me alimony because we have never had sex and we always fight. It’s a running joke.

I bring this up because I’ve had ex’s be jealous of the relationship that I have with my boss. This makes me laugh. Mostly because I think that jealousy is a useless emotion but mostly because of the absurdity of it all. People say he’s attractive but after you’ve seen the worst in someone, you’ve seen their drunken disgusting moments in life and you’ve seen the way they treat people you tend to not see an attractive side. I’ve never thought he was attractive though… Maybe just not my preference. His brother however, a completely different story.

But I digress…

Bringing up emotions though brings me to another situation. This week, Monday night I think, a friend and I had gone to see if we could see any comets around midnight. He’s a fun friend and has always had this weird obsession that we hookup but I won’t even kiss him. I think he wanted to go to see if I’d think it was romantic which I was literally too interested in trying to see a comet and then dealing with the police when they showed up. Apparently you can’t sit in a parked car without doing something wrong.

So my friend and I got to talking about how we handle emotions. I explained to him that I like to wait to react to situations. There’s a lot of times when I’m pissed or upset that I immediately want to say something but I don’t. I’ll write a note instead and then I’ll calm down. I’ll quickly start to rationalize something. It’s something that I’ve had to train myself to do because it’s human nature to just “react” with whatever comes out. THE friend tested my patience a lot with this. He’d do something and I’d want to rip his head off but just took a deep breath, explained it away and realized later that if it was truly important to me then I’d bring it up in a sane calm manner. After not reacting for a day or two, most of the time, I realize that it’s not that important anymore so I let it go.

This led my friend the other night to ask me what actually, truly pisses me off. My first response, lying. I just don’t see a need for it. Second, when someone can’t apologize. Apologies are the utmost form of adulting in my book. We all make mistakes. We all fuck up but it’s only a truly good human than can apologize and mean it. I think I also said lack of appreciation and respect.

He then asked if that meant I was a carpet. You know, someone who people walk over, because I don’t get pissed about stuff. I said that they might think that but the truth is if they make a mistake once it’s forgivable. A mistake made twice I can deal with but a third time I will just disappear never to be heard from again. There’s lots of people in my life that I miss and there’s lots of people who, maybe 10 years ago, I’d let back in my life but now I just want positive, caring, loving people in my life. They’re allowed to make mistakes but it’s all about how they handle it after that proves the character of someone.

I always have things to do and people to do them with if I chose to so losing one or two people no matter what they’ve meant to me doesn’t stop me from living my life as fun and happy and it can be. I just don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. I try to help people with kind words, actions and listen when I can. I’m nowhere near perfect but it gives me something to strive for each day.

After that he’d asked me why I didn’t want to hook up with him. I told him that I wasn’t attracted to him and the only reason he was attracted to me was because I didn’t want him. He disagreed but we shall both agree to disagree on that. Why am I not attracted to him? Well, the good things about him as far as most girls see: has money, good looks, treats them shitty enough so when he does something nice it seems so huge. My reason for not being attracted to him: he’s arrogant, he’s a man-whore (what’s the nice way to say that?) and I can see right through his bullshit. He said the latter and my ass are the reason he likes me and something to do with my lips which was foul but at that point I just turned the radio on loudly and got out of the car.

These are probably just some of the reasons that I’m still single. Mostly because I’d rather be picky than just have any warm body next to me in bed. It makes for some lonely nights and I do mean lonely nights. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve literally slept next to man. Even when THE friend stays he’s on the couch and I’m locked in my room. Here’s the things, right off the top of my head there’s seven men that I could call and either go over there or have them come here but I just don’t want any man. You all know that.

My list has never really changed but in case you’re wondering my perfect man who is imperfect would not be rich nor the best looking man ever. I don’t care what he drives or what he does. My perfect man is appreciative, respectful, sometimes a gentleman, sometimes kind and sweet and sometimes a sarcastic fool that I can laugh with. Someone that teaches me things and wants to learn things from me. Someone that admits his faults, his vulnerabilities his fears. Someone that I can help grow, live and love. I will never think his dreams are too big or his words too small.

I might not love easily but when that flood gate opens it’s a glowing light of acceptance and love but doesn’t suffocate. Love isn’t suffocation or jealousy or anger. Love is what’s right in the world and if/when I truly love someone his life will be better with me in it. That’s the whole point of love, to make someone else better than before you met them. That’s what I’ve been told anyway 🙂 my Shaman friend likes to remind me that when I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with (truly WITH them) both our lives are supposed to shine bring with love and riches and some other shit. It’s nice to believe that some days. Some days it’s a bit harder to believe.

So currently I’ve turned down four guys in the last 30 days and I have no current FWB’s. I know that I can’t complain but I know that I’ll feel connected with someone soon and if I don’t then I’ll just move on to something else in life. Right now I’m more focused on my career and myself so that I can be better for the next guy who, maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel connected to.

I miss that part of my relationships. Even my friendships lately I feel like I’m disconnected to. It’s me. It’s in my head because I’m in my head. I’m awake when I should be asleep and I’m sleeping when I should be awake because the things I dream about are better than my reality right now. The most vivid dreams and I can’t get them to stop and they’re all about ONE person. Life is weird… My life is weird.

… and on that note it’s almost 2 am now and I’m going to try to sleep. Hope you all had a great week and have a great weekend. I have no idea where the winds will take me this weekend. I’m leaving you with the video In My Dreams By: Robert Miles because, well, it’s my life and I love this whole album. Nite xXx

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Don’t force things… They’ll happen.

It’s been four days since I last blogged and told you all about the two men in my dating life right now. I was having a hard time figuring out which one I liked more. So in those four days I’ve met numerous other men that, for some reason, have been hitting on me like crazy. I don’t know what it is… Is it my perfume, my pheromones or some sort of vibe I’m putting out there. I have no idea but I know that I am no closer to picking either of them. As a matter of fact I’m less inclined to pick either of them.

I know. I seem like an asshole but It’s been a hard couple weeks, months due to some other situations going on around me and my loved ones. I’m having a hard time concentrating and finding joy lately. I mean, I find it in the little things like a song, a new piece of furniture or a sweet text from someone but it’s been such a long time since I’ve truly felt long term joy. Is that weird? Do most people find themselves joyful all the time? I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s situational, for me anyway.

So I’ve been talking to both of them a lot and I know that, in order to date someone, I need to know them. I need to be friends with them first. I’ve always been like that. I’ve always had the best relationships with men that I’ve been friends with first. In order for me to sleep with someone I need to have been dating them for a minute first. So, for me, the sex part seems like it’s going to be so far off. I think it has to do with the fact that I have to be comfortable with them first, hence the friends part, and then I have to feel safe.

To be honest with you all here, I don’t feel comfortable, safe or even that close to either of them yet. I thought that I’d feel some sort of connection by now. The one who’s in town is starting to feel like a sibling relationship and the one that’s out of town I’m not clicking with. I mean, he thinks we are but I don’t get excited when I get his messages anymore. I don’t feel that “flutter” in the top part of my stomach anymore. That was fast and like I said the other night, I’ve never felt like I needed to be passionately kissed by either one of them.

It’s twisted how easily I lose interest in men. If I’d been friends with them for a while first I’d feel more inclined to keep trying to connect on a deeper level with them but we weren’t. I am not trying to force anything either so I’m just fading away in their worlds by my own actions. They, technically, haven’t done anything wrong and in fact, most girls would be all over them. They say the right things. They’ve done the right things. It’s just me… I’m romantically anorexic.

Tonight, as I’m feeling sad that I can’t connect with them, or any man currently, I scroll through my Instagram feed on one of my many accounts and there it is. It’s an affirmation that states, “Don’t force it. If it’s real, it will happen.” and for some reason I’m instantly calmed. I’m just so affected by my surroundings and my moods that when I see something that speaks to me it feels like the universe trying to tell me something and there it is. Just in case you didn’t think I was crazy before, I feel like it spoke to my soul.

That happens a lot. I’ll be feeling something that I can’t describe and someone will post a song, or send me a song and it sums up my emotions right then or they’ll post something or one of my many positive affirmation feeds will just speak to me right then and I’m instantly calmed.

I try not to burden people around me with my woes, my bad moods or if I’m sad or not. In fact, it’s very very rare that I actually confide in anyone about my emotions. I just never want to seem like a burden or never want to admit out loud that I’m sad or upset or angry. So, I keep it all inside (most of the time) until I go to kickboxing class. I don’t drink my emotions, I don’t drug my emotions but my other outlet is here. I get them out here sometimes but I’m just in, yet another, weird place. It’s like the men that have been trying to be in any sort of relationship with me over the last couple years just aren’t syncing with my soul. That’s what I need is a soul-sync.

It’s not about looks, status or anything but that connection. If it was about looks, let me tell you… Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there was a gorgeous man shopping at the front of the store when I first walked in. He had this long hair, amazing body, tanned skin and young. He was young. When I first walked in he smiled and said hi. I gave him a halfass smile and said hi back. After a few isles he actually walked up to me and introduced himself. We chatted for a moment and he’d said something nice about how I looked and I replied that I was getting over a cold and looked like shit but thanked him anyway. He then said, “Absolutely not. You’re one of God’s children. You’re beautiful”. At that point I realized it was time to go because he might have been trying to kidnap me into a cult or something.

But that scenario made me think later. There was a gorgeous man who’d asked for my number and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. It’s not been and has never been about looks. I mean I have to be attracted to someone at first glance but there has to be more. A pretty face only goes so far. If you can’t rock my soul I have no space for you in my life.

Now, some people, men, friends would all say that I’m the polar opposite of most women out there. The people that truly know me know that to be true. I don’t force things. I don’t force friendships, relationships of any kind. If someone wants to be in my life then they will be unless they fuck it up and I leave it. If they are respectful and appreciative and, yes, if they try a little harder than me, then I will always be there for them. But once they’re in they realize that I am a pretty fucking amazing person to be friends with, let alone date. So, those two guys will probably be in my friend circle but I’m really not feeling anything else will happen.

I think what I’m looking for is to be friends with someone who I can laugh with so much and then, all of a sudden, one day we look at each other and I just know. I just know and he knows and bam, we’re both in love but we did that out of a friendship first. That’s an Aquarius trait mostly but it just makes sense. There’s no forcing, no weird dating, no expectations. You already know, trust, love, respect and support each other and now you do all that while realizing you’re in love with each other. I’ve heard it happens. That would be total truth and perfect for me. We shall see if I’ve thrown this out into the universe now if I’ll meet someone that I’ll be able to do that with.

That puts me right back to where I was which is single, horny as hell and disconnected to any man right now. I’m pretty used to this feeling at this point, hence the four engagement rings and never said yes to the dress. I swear that I do actually want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to settle for some asshole at this point in my life or someone that I’d just be complacent with. I hate stagnation. I dislike people that are stagnant and not looking ahead for their next new venture. I need a man with vision and dreams and I don’t even care if they seem too big or crazy. I just want to see someone who’s always trying to be better.

So, on that note, nothing has really changed. But I am going to be the meme queen tonight and post the five that really stood out to me right now. Hope you all are amazing. Nite xXx

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Current Happenings and a slow Saturday night…

Remember when I said that if I’m quiet on here it’s usually because my life is actually really great? So this sabbatical is because of that. I met two really great guys in the last month. One doesn’t live here and the other does but I’m not as attracted to him. Here’s the thing though. While I’ve been spending time with two really great guys, I’ve not slept with either one yet.

I’ve told you all before that I’m not quick to jump in bed with anyone. Even though it’s been a while since I have had sex I’m not rushing it with these two either. I mean I’m still getting to know them. We’re not “dating” but I guess you could say we’ve gone out on a few dates. I actually haven’t even kissed either of them yet.

The one from out of town I think I like the most and here’s why. I NEVER (ok almost) invite guys to my place. I always go to them because then I can leave when I want. Another thing that I never do is cook for them. So the one from out of town is coming back to town in two weeks and I think I’m going to let him stay with me AND cook for him. I don’t know why I want to but I do. I haven’t invited him yet but we’ll see how our conversations flow over the next week or so or if anything else happens with the other guy.

Why am I moving so slow with both of these when I could have literally already jumped into bed with either of them? Because that’s not me. I just don’t give it away freely. I also want to make sure these are both good guys and figure out which one I like more then end it with the other.

Both guys are friends of friends. Both are average to good looking. In town guy is taller with dark blonde hair and out of town guy is about 5ft 11in with dark hair. I’m going through specifics more for me at this point than you all. Sorry I just don’t know what I want. They are both exceptionally sweet. In town guy is almost too sweet though like he’s not actually being himself. I also don’t think that he’s very spontaneous. Whereas out of town guy seems pretty spontaneous and has more of a sarcastic side. That I like a lot.

Another reason I’m going super slow with both these two guys is that I know, just because I want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to jump at the first guy that’s interested in him and I in him. To also be honest with all of you, I’m not insanely attracted to either, like I don’t just want to rip their clothes off. That takes a lot. It’s also a bit sad that I think I’m more attracted to the out of town guy because he’s out of town. I really like my personal space. While I don’t mind a 24 hour run with someone I don’t need to see them all the time. I can handle seeing someone twice a week maybe with one over-night. I don’t know maybe I’ve just not met someone that rocked my world enough to want to be with them all the time. Is that a thing?

I know that this full moon is a big one. It’s supposed to bring about all these emotions and allow you to let go of things that no longer serve you. For me, it’s allowed me to let go of one-sided relationships and relationships where I’m treated as if I don’t matter. It’s also brought about this weird cleaning freak in me. It started with my obsessive need to find a new couch. I finally found my new couch which will get delivered next week and in the days before it does I’m cleansing my space. I’m donating, selling or throwing away a shitload of stuff and cleaning everything. I need to bring new energy in to myself and my home.

I recently saw a meme that said, “I’ve just realized that buying books and reading them are two completely different things.” While I laughed at that I do believe that pertains to me. I have so many books, cooking, homeopathic remedies, music, biographies, sex and money books that I have either already read or will never read. I have clothes that no longer fit, shoes that look terrible and stacks of paperwork that I have no use for anymore. They are all going away.

Almost everyone that comes in my home says that there’s a feeling of peace and calm in here and that’s probably why I get home guest that don’t leave for days but I pride myself on that and will get back to that soon. There’s some energy in here for sure and I need to keep it cleansed especially if I invite someone to come stay.

Wanna know a secret? After moving back to Houston after the hurricane I got a new bed and mattress. It’s been about a year and a half and my secret is… I’ve never had sex in my bed or on that mattress… That’s how sacred MY space is that I just don’t bring anyone back here. I don’t just let anyone here. I felt the need to say that outloud because I wanted to give you all an idea as to just how sacred I think my space is and how I’m not easily had.

Now, because of everything that’s been going on with me externally and internally I did ask advice from my Shaman… The first thing that was said is that this full moon is about to bring real love in my life BUT it might not be from either of my two new men. I don’t know what that means because I can’t really juggle another guy and keep self-caring at the same time. If that’s true and there is a third option then I would drop those two like hot potatoes (stupid phrase).

Sorry that I’m all over the place tonight but that’s what happens when I’ve been gone so long on my blog. I have too much to say and my thoughts are quicker than my fingers. I do feel my life is kind of like that too though right now. It’s all jumbled. Things are not perfect nor will they ever been but it appears that the people in my life are in different places than I am and I’m not really syncing with anyone right now, not even those two men. I’m out of sync.

I’m hoping that a good cleansing bath and yoga session tomorrow (later today) will do the trick but I thought that once most of my clients deadlines had past that I’d have more time and I wouldn’t be up till 2 am most nights. That is not the case. My mind is still swimming, as is an Aquarius mind most of the time. We live inside our heads more than out of them. I’ve not had a good cathartic cry lately and I probably need to over the people that are no longer in my life, the ones that I’m currently saying goodbye to and just the overall atmosphere of everything. I probably should have a breakdown soon but I just don’t feel it.

I had a friend give me some pill that’s supposed to knock me out tonight because of my noisy mind and we’ll see if that works. I do need the sleep because I can’t focus on anything. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my GBF’s sister, my ex and those two above a lot. But now that it’s turning cold I’m just loving this weather and need to get back to my nature walks. That’s usually meditative for me. I’ve also been staying completely sober lately to keep my head clean without distractions. It helps.

Well, it’s just after one in the morning. The bathroom is clean and organized and hopefully this pill knocks me out so I can tackle the bedroom, living room and office tomorrow. I have high expectations of myself. So, I hope you all are having a great weekend. Maybe the next time I post I’ll have made my decision and will be feeling a little bit more “myself”. Nite xXx

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Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

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