My Week of Men…

I literally started writing this a week ago, then something happened and I write more and then something else would happen and I’d delete it. So now it’s 2 in the morning and I’ve been home for an hour, taken a shower and am just a bit more high than I thought I was 2 hours ago.

First, I’m finding my life a bit more stressful than normal and finding it so nice to get high lately, which I never used to do at least not very often. The thing with that is it puts me in these moods. They’re these composed, contemplative reflective moods. I guess that’s ok and it also depends on who I’m with when I do. Tonight on my drive home I was obsessed with this song by Hozier called Movement… OMG I’m in LOVE with this song. But it just started me thinking about my week and the men in it.

Monday or Tuesday, I’d gone out with this guy friend of mine, of course. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. We actually used to be neighbors when we first moved to the states. His dad and mine where best friends. I’d gotten back in touch with him because he owns 2 bars and I was hitting him up to have the drummer play there. Didn’t work out but we did decide to hang out.

The last time I actually saw him in person was probably 20 years ago and he was a dancer at LaBare which if you don’t know what that is it’s a strip club for females. I never thought he was attractive because he had some of the worst teeth I’ve ever seen which he’s since gotten fixed but still no attraction plus we’re more like siblings than anything else. Anyway, we hung out and talked about old times, family and bullshit. It was ok but I don’t see myself going out of my way to hang out much with him again. The next couple days were “boring” compared to the end of the week.

I’ve spoken about my ex Dan before. I think he’s an amazing guy but we would never work out in the long run even though we did consider having a baby together (years ago) but he and I have these weird periods of time when we don’t see each other then boom one of us pops up and we hang out and I remember just how awesome of a human he is. Which he is. A couple months ago, I’d written a post about him being really depressed and we went and had drinks and I felt so bad for him.

We hadn’t spoken since then except a birthday text to him a week or two ago. Thursday, I get a text message from him that just said, “I’m sorry”. It was then a whole lot of gibberish. He’d finally called me and he was a terrible mess. He kept saying, “I love you”. Y’all know how allergic to that phrase that I am but I just kept replying “Where are you? Where are you?” Then I felt like I just needed to keep him on the phone.

He was saying shit like, “I wrote you a letter. I love you. I’m sorry.” Then he said suicide and my heart fell into my stomach. He was so emotional and I just felt every single thing he was saying like blades to my heart for the pain he was feeling. I’d convinced him to go home. Then, I had no idea what to do so I called the police to do a welfare check on him. I then spent the evening going back and forth with the police. Finally he’d gotten home and was sitting in his driveway. We’d talked almost all night until I made him promise me that he would go inside his home, cuddle his dog and pass the fuck out.

I was scared to death and I just wanted to go and hold him but had no idea what I’d be walking into. I just kept talking to him until he literally fell asleep and since then all I can hear is his words, “I love you. I’m sorry”. He’s never hurt me, he’s never ever had a reason to apologize for anything to me and I understand why he was saying that but now thinking about it make me cry. It takes a lot to make me cry but hearing his pain was just unbearable.

Since then I’ve been sending him messages but avoided going over there. While all I really want to do is sit there and hold him I also know that in this vulnerable state he might get the wrong idea and then I would be the girl he calls to “save him” and the girl who turns him down when he’s at his weakest. Not a great place to be in. He and I will always have a deep emotional connection but absolutely NO chemistry. I will probably break down this week and go see him though because I feel like I have to. I’m not intentionally glossing over the severity of what happened that night because I’m an asshole and don’t care. I’m glossing over that because it’s making me feel terrible. These are the days of our lives…

Then Friday was a nice dinner out and some cathartic driving which by then I needed. Saturday, however was unexpectedly fun. THE friend asked to stay again but this time wanted to go have dinner and go to a burlesque show. He and I have gone to several in the past so I said sure. He paid for every single thing. Before I get a bunch of questions though, it wasn’t a date. I haven’t actually been on a “date” for far too long.

He’d actually gotten pretty drunk but he was a happy drunk and we were enjoying ourselves. There was this one moment when this random guy started talking to us though and then introduced his friend to us. Then his friend and I started flirting with each other until THE friend had some insight into already knowing that guy and then it just got creepy after that. The random dudes friend was cute and there was a vibe in the beginning but the more and more we spoke then less and less I was interested. We came home and he passed out on the couch and I went into my bedroom and watched scary movies till I fell asleep.

I was supposed to go have dinner with a client tonight but he rescheduled which ended up being in my favor. First, I’d been texting with the drummer a bit and flirting and he’d said something about getting together later which I just blew off assuming he’d be too tired or busy or just forget in general. Remember you can’t be disappointed if you don’t have any expectations.

Then I’d decided to go to my friends house and watch him make dinner. I told him I wasn’t eating so we just talked. He’s another of my “maybe’s” but I don’t get the full package with him. I mean he’s attractive but there’s just nothing there. Too easy maybe? I don’t know anymore. But while we were chatting the drummer texted and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I left one guy to go see another but hey, I wasn’t on a date and there’s no chemistry with the first guy.

I get to this “new bar” that the drummer wanted to meet at and we had a nice long conversation about chicks and stuff, nothing deep but I really think he’s still waiting for me to be jealous of all his chicks. Thing is, I’m not. Guys seem to think that jealousy is love, in my opinion, so when a chicks not jealous they don’t care but then they don’t want you to be too jealous cause that’s a turnoff. I just don’t see our relationship and any type of ownership. Therefore, there’s no room for jealousy. But, and here’s where guys really get it wrong with me, even in actually dating scenarios I don’t get jealous. Hell, I’ll even point out a hot chick to them. I just think that our relationship is one thing that means or meets certain needs and if they go looking for something else in someone why limit their range of motion. I just don’t get it. I’ve been told before by a previous ex that I should be more jealous, or jealous at all because a little bit is a turn on. Maybe I’ll work on that or I won’t.

So after a few drinks we went back to his place which I’d not been back to for a couple months. It felt nice, mostly because I know what we do when we’re there. There is something that I wish I could bottle is that chemistry. However, tonight was a weird night for us. I mean, the good stuff, the sexual stuff will probably always be there. If I could bottle THAT shit and give to a guy that loves me THAT would be perfect. I like that we still have that chemistry after over a year.

However, I realized a few things. One, when I do find a guy that I want to date I won’t be able to see the drummer ever again because I am not certain that I could keep my “never cheated” run going. It’s just there. He literally turns me on more than any man has ever. It’s almost unfair that this is between just friends.

Which brings me to my next thought. I like that we can just get to our business and then leave each other right after. We had the “F” part of our “FWB” before while having drinks then we went back to his place and had the “WB” part which I am always down for but on my drive home it almost felt a little too “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am”. I said the other night on here that I am not a woman who is missing the sex in life but I am a woman who’s missing the intimacy. I think THAT’S what I needed tonight.

It did feel a little like, “Your money’s on the nightstand” evening at the end but I know that HE had fun. I did too. Trust me. Nothing feels better than making sure he’s sexually sated. Also, terrible choice in music this evening especially to get me in the mood. Y’all know that I like to feel the music and it’s not like I’m saying, “Make me believe you mean the things they’re singing about” but I need some sexy music. I can remember almost the times I’ve been intimate with anyone just because of the music. Again, not saying he’s got to play Sade or anything just some sweet, soulful sounds of sex in my ears is nice. Is it a necessity? No, because we have amazing sexual chemistry BUT it’s just a nice thought.

The things he’s said in the past about feelings or the really sweet things I knew when he said them that they were bullshit BUT now I have absolute confirmation so I basically will never believe anything sweet that comes out of his mouth. I didn’t “believe” it before but now he’s kind of ruined it by saying it’s all basically bullshit. This is where I think to myself that it’s even more of a good idea to keep my emotions out of it. So, with him, I have none. That sounds shitty but I just mean that this is a true “FWB’s” relationship and I’m right for keeping my eyes open elsewhere.

You already know that part of him of how he makes me feel goes into my “intention setting” to find me the perfect guy for me. That chemistry, some of those conversations. We get each other. We just do. There’s still a bit of game there because that’s fun too and I will be sad when it’s over but that’s what happens. It’s great until it’s not and then it becomes work. Tonight, was great and didn’t feel like work. That’s what we are, FWB’s that are fun.

I’ve said this to him before, I think his part of the game is that he WANTS me to fall in love with him. Then he’s won and he’d be done. Funny though because he’s going to be waiting a very long time. I’ve just never been a girl who falls like that. We do have a special type of relationship though and it’s not actually definable. Yes, we’re friends but we’re more than that and less than lovers. I reminded him tonight that we’re allowed to do anything that we want in private and it not bleed into public consumption because it’s no one else’s business but our own. He’s never my only option but I like to chose him first right now.

Two of the best things tonight, the way he grabbed my face and kissed me with this powerful passion. I love that passion we have between us. I love that it builds up and up until we both just almost explode. The next thing, him, black pants and no shirt, barefoot. Seriously, THAT’S probably the image that I’ll fall asleep with in my mind.

On that note, I’m going to sleep now with happy thoughts about what I just did a few hours earlier and I’ll be happy for tonight. Enjoy your week, all of you. xXx

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Sexiness, Insecurities and Dreams…

My GBF and I spent last night texting back and forth about what we think is sexy about guys. His response was “Eyes, Hair, Veins, Personality and Sense of Humor”. I agreed with for the most part except “veins”. Really? But to each person sexy is much different.

So, I’m completely obsessed with Big Brother and it’s my ex’s (coworkers) fault. He got me into it years ago and I was hooked because it’s, to me, about watching humans interact and their game play and their mannerisms. This season there was this really sexy guy on the show until he started to be an asshole and I just wanted him booted off then. He was no longer eye candy because his attitude made him look disgusting to me.

When it comes to what’s actually sexy to me though my first answer was eyes. But obviously not just having them works for me. They have to look into my soul. That’s hard to find. Some guys look creepy when they’re trying to stare at you. That’s not what I want. After that, physically would be arms. I love a good arm. One that’s strong and I can picture caressing my face, pinning me down or wrapping around me oh and also slapping my ass. Hair, don’t really care about when it’s on their head or not. I’m not a fan of a hairy chest at all. I like smooth.

When it comes to their personality they have to have substance. This means they don’t talk about cars, money or chicks ALL THE TIME cause that’s a turnoff. Talk about life and dreams and cool shit. Challenge my way of thinking. Dig into your soul and tell me something beautiful. They have to make me laugh and I’m not easily humored. However, if they do make me laugh they’ll get a genuine laugh not a fake one.

Aside from those things I look for weird things. Maybe not weird but different. I think almost any man is at his sexiest wearing a white button down shirt, black pants and barefoot. No clue why that’s the sexiest but I’ve always loved that look. I think it’s sexy when a guy grazes the back of his fingers on my lips. The forehead on forehead thing will get me every time too. A man taking control but still in a sweet way. When a guy notices something that I would have bet money on that they wouldn’t or when he says something that I’ve said a while back I’m always happily surprised. When a guy sings even if he sounds terrible and also introduces me to new music…. Love that!

But with all that above said there’s still got to be something else. I’ve seen people that I thought were sexy and the littles thing changes my opinion. For instance, I used to think Matthew McConaughey was so sexy until I met him and he was just drunk and handsy and kinda gross. Never looked the same after that. That was pre-marriage and kids though.

I guess it just boils down to how they make me feel. I don’t know any human that feels sexy all the time. I mean, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. When I actually think I’m being sexy is when I usually fall down or spill something. There’s days I don’t think my hair, makeup, skin, body look great but on those days it’s a “fake it till you make it” situation. If a guy can make me feel sexy or wanted or desired then that’s reflected and then in return I will make them feel desired and sexy.

These are all the reasons I love my dreams because for some reason they’re either very spiritual and help me workout some sort of issue I’m having OR they are super vivid and sexual. I have the craziest dreams that leave me hot and bothered for hours after I’ve woken up. A lot of times they’ll continue for days or weeks. As soon as my head hits the pillow and I start to dream it just continues from the night before. It’s been pretty cool. On a good night I can control them. I learned this technique about how to access your dreams and since then they’re just like an awesome mini-series. Weird, I know.

Right now, I’m “working” and on a Rihanna kick and listening to her while sparsely dancing around while doing chores. It’s a strange day that started out with an early morning workout and drive around town. Then I just felt like coming home and writing for a minute. On that drive around town I’d heard one of the songs on my “sexy mix”. I have a favorites, workout and sexy playlist and they’re constantly being added to. But I’ll leave you with this song today and might write later if the mood hits me. Hope you’re having a great day.

Weekend happenings and weirdness…

My weekend was busy, very busy but didn’t have to be. I always have a lot of “maybe” plans. You know the ones that someone asks you to do something and you say “maybe” but only because you probably won’t. Well, this weekend I did almost all those maybe plans.

THE friend has been staying here since Wednesday last week. He left yesterday but it was a strange vibe. He’s been renting his place out on AirBnB and staying at his girlfriends place. However, they broke up. They just had their 2 year anniversary and they just broken up. I feel terrible for him because she has been the catalyst that he’s needed to get his life back on track and it’s been beautiful to watch it happen. But that puts me in the place of having company when I really just feel like being alone.

Most nights I’d gone out with friends for dinner or drinks or over to someone’s home to hang out because I felt like, “If I don’t get to be myself in my own space then I don’t want to be there.” What “myself” means is, I didn’t get to walk around without pants or watch my own shows much or just be my goofy self. It’s not that I can’t do those things around him but I didn’t want to. So I kind of just stayed away as much as possible.

Another thing that was strange is that I’ve always told the drummer that in my version of FWBs I don’t see other people. I’m only with one at a time because that’s just what I like. He never really commented on that and I never really knew what he thought, if anything, about my version of FWBs until the other night. I’d mentioned to the drummer that THE friend was staying on my couch and he replied while rolling his eyes, “I better not find out that you’ve been having sex with him and I’m not the only one”.

At first, I blew past that comment because we went into talking about something else but the more I think about it I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I’ve never lied to the drummer about anything, except that one time that I told him I don’t want love but I was lying to myself actually. I am a faithful FWBs though. Even if there were ANY feelings left for THE friend I WOULD NEVER do that. This all might have been another reason why I stayed away from my home the entire time also, because I felt like I had to…

This is weird for me. I literally have no feelings for THE friend and I felt like the drummer was accusing me of lying and cheating in the same breath. I then took a step back and just brushed off the whole thing as more weirdness and left it at that. That was until tonight. Tonight I actually felt bad that the drummer would even question me. I have been loyal and faithful and the one time that THE friend made a derogatory comment about the drummer I ripped in to him. I wasn’t going to have ANYONE say anything bad about the drummer. Just not happening. But then I realize that he (the drummer) still doesn’t know me that well yet. Also, don’t misconstrue my words. I don’t think the drummer was jealous. I think, in part, it was said in jest.

When we’re together (the drummer) he talks most of the time, which I’m fine with but as far as he’s concerned he just feels that chemistry. He doesn’t know my backstory. He doesn’t know the things I’ve done for him and I don’t want him to know all those things. You can’t just know someone immediately. But I feel like he should at least know that I’m honest and trustworthy. I care about him and I only want good things for him. I see this weird sadness in his eyes. I always have. I don’t see that sadness when we’re eye fucking each other but when he’s talking about life I do.

I have always gotten the impression that he’s had a lot of disloyalty around him and hurt and because of that I literally just want to see him happy. That’s all. No matter where that happiness takes him. I want him to realize that I am a great friend and that I will always be there if needed but that takes time. It will take him time to realize that I’m not going to hurt him. The “WB” part of us might not always be there if I find someone that I fall in love with but the “F” part will always be there.

I’m rambling now but moving on, the moment that THE friend left I immediately took my pants off and just layed on my couch and let out a sigh of relief. I got to have my home back.

I’m over the “over-thinking” above but found it interesting because if I can go 2 months without jumping into someone else’s bed then I have no issues not being attracted to someone that’s just using my yoga mat as a temporary bed for a few days.

THE friend did something extremely nice though. He bought tickets for us to go see a show in a month of a band that I really like. It’s payback for all the concerts that I’ve taken us to which is a very nice gesture. It’s also something to look forward to.

So basically my weekend was busy. Another weekend of working out, going out and the prior weekend I was able to pick up another private client so things are looking good right now. My boss is out all week so even though things will be busy I won’t have to worry about him bugging the crap out of me which is nice.

Since last Thursday I’ve been running off the drummer and my make-out session in the parking lot of the bar we went to but that’s almost made things worse cause that’s all I can think about and every time I do I just want to devour him. Oh, that chemistry… Wow. But also, some of the things he says, it’s all I need to “take care” of myself. I haven’t needed porn in a long time thanks to him but I will need sex soon or I’m going to explode.

I also need him to bite me and leave a mark soon. I don’t know why I like him to do that so much but truth here, I’ve never wanted anyone else to do that. There’s a lot of things that I only want him to do or that I only do for him. It’s a very weird, weird, relationship. I’m not sure I understand it and I’m not sure that I even want to understand it because that’s what makes it fun. I like having this unexplainable, secret, erotic ship with him. It’s exciting. He’s exciting.

Want I want though, I want a long night of music, intimacy and sex that isn’t rushed. I want us to be able to take our time with no limitations and just be able to be real and naked and vulnerable with each other. I don’t want to have to worry that one of us has to work in the morning or that someone has to be somewhere anytime soon. I’m not saying I want a sleepover I just want to feel free and connected for an evening. That sounds like the perfect night.

Of course, now that I’ve said that I won’t hear from him for weeks again. Blah, it is what it is… and on that note I hope you are all having a great week. xXx

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August Challenge Commenced and Current State…

My July challenge ended perfectly and I enjoyed every single minute of it. Well, to be fair, I enjoyed the keto and exercise part of it. I did NOT enjoy the “no men” part of it which I would have gladly lost that bet BUT I was apparently the only person in this challenge.

My August challenge has started and I’m going to do keto, exercise and drink more water… That seems like the best challenge. I did have several really great workout days and days that surprised me. I’ve been at the gym so much more, doing HIIT and cardio boxing workouts and just moving more… Oh and there’s been so much more dancing.

Aside from the working out I’ve been going out a lot lately as well. Mostly it’s just dinner with friends or a drink or two with someone and then there was this one thing that I thought was a hang but he thought was a date. This didn’t end well for him when he went in to kiss me at the end of the night. This was a couple Friday’s ago and I think that I just stood there with a weird look on my face thinking, “Seriously, I just said I’m in limbo and not looking for anything”. That’s actually a few times in a couple months that’s happened because that’s my life.

So a lot of my life is spending time with friends who just happen to be men, a lot of men. I don’t want any of them especially the ones that I’ve known for years and years and I’ve been with them through breakups and divorces or whatever. We are just friends but you give a guy a bit too many rum and cokes and all of a sudden there looking at you like dinner when they’ve been intermittent fasting. How do you tell a guy “I’m just not that into YOU” nicely? Well, sometimes you just have to be direct and honest and then when that doesn’t work you just need to give them your best disgusted look and get in your car and drive away.

I’ve said this before, it’s not hard for a woman to find a man. Let’s be real. Any woman can walk into a bar at 1:45 am and pick one of the last few remaining men to leave with. That’s gross but it’s a fact, as I see it. That’s not and has never been what I want though. I am NOT a woman who’s starved for sex. I am a woman who’s starved for intimacy and connections.

I have female friends that just go out on dates with anyone that asks them. That’s weird to me. If I did that the only thing I’d be guaranteed is my dinner paid for every night but why do that to the guy. I’ll MAYBE have a drink with you and make sure you understand that there will be no sex in the champagne room tonight and yet they still want to make a move. I’m so over dating… It’s just monotonous and trite. Half the guys I understood upon meeting them once that there was no connection what-so-ever and the other half start talking and I realize that we are NO WHERE on the same level.

These are all the reasons above that I was having a difficult time with the drummer… I thought it was over and I was ready to move on but I wasn’t ready to lose that connection we had, that chemistry. I’d given myself a date. I said, “The moment it’s been two months I’m moving on. I’m finding a new FWBs”. Except I knew that it wouldn’t be that easy. However, I also knew I wouldn’t be “replacing” him either. I’d just be over it and moving on.

But then two months came and I had this crazy dream. He and I were camping in the forest. We were in a sweat lodge and our spirit animals were the same black leopards with these insanely piercing eyes. Those two leopards just lied in front of each other and stared at each other. It was as if they were both trying to figure each other out but enjoyed the toxicity of others in the air but found some sort of comfort in each other. My dreams are a bit fucked up I know. But then all I said was that I just needed to see him one more time. I told myself I just needed to know if that connection was still there, that chemistry.

You see, last year he and I didn’t see each other from August till February this year but when we finally did all that came back, those “feels”. There was a moment that first time we’d seen each other in seven months when we’d gone outside, just the two of us, and I almost fell in the mud but he’d instinctively put his hand out to hold mine so I wouldn’t fall. That moment is when I felt the attraction, the chemistry, the energy that ran between us. I can still feel what it felt like that night. It was kind of beautiful but intense.

Then the day after he sends me a message that he misses me. I thought it was sweet and vulnerable for him to have said. I liked that he did. We bantered a little after that but I just kept thinking that we would still never see each other again, or at least for a long time so I didn’t get my hopes up. Fast forward a couple more days and he wants to go get a drink.

At first I thought I should say no even though I wanted to see him but that would have been a game and I don’t play games with friends. Then I thought about why I was feeling hurt but I did it with logic and not emotions. I came to realize that there’s so many friends that I’ve known longer and know me much more than he does and I don’t get mad at not seeing them. I realized it was about the intimacy that I was missing that he was giving me and since I don’t just FWB’s anyone I wasn’t getting that part at all. I didn’t have any other plans so I accepted the invitation.

When we both arrived and went to the patio of this bar he likes to frequent we just started talking and the conversation flowed. I’m not sure we’ve ever had an uncomfortable silent moment. Even when we just sit there staring at each other not looking away it’s still not uncomfortable. He told me about the few things he’d been doing and we talked about life, dating and music. I decided not to ask him why the 2 month sabbatical mostly because it didn’t matter but also because I probably didn’t want to hear the answer.

There’s parts of the conversation that struck me though. There are so many things that we agree on but also so many ideas or thoughts that we both have that are similar, it’s spooky. I know that some of what he said is salted with bullshit because I think he’s still trying to play a game or because it’s just fun to see what you can get away with but most of the time we were just eye fucking each other. Which, in case you’re unclear, means that no matter how long we’re away from each other that fucking chemistry is still so strong.

I will say that this time I, not only, felt that sexual chemistry between us but it also appears I’ve become a sapiosexual which means I’m attracted to someone’s intelligence. I knew he was smart and I also knew that he was smarter than he tried to appear to be but there are very few men that I actually WANT to hear what they have to say. I know I sound like an asshole when I say that but most men’s thoughts, I just don’t care about or want to hear. These are the “F” parts of the “FWBs” that I was missing.

I got suckered into giving it another shot but I won’t be waiting for 2 months again. Either we do this every couple weeks or I really will find a new one and not because I’m that much of an asshole but I need that intimacy that a FWB’s relationship brings without the complications of actually dating. This is an organic relationship

So, short story long, I guess I haven’t moved on yet but am still looking to fall in love with someone somewhere at some point. That means that I enjoy our time together whenever that is, still keep my heart closed with him but my eyes open if love does come to me from someone.

Before you even ask, why not look for the love I seek in the drummer the answer is complicated but attempting some sort of simplification he and I have had this conversation. He knows I’m looking for love. He is not. That means that if he changes his mind or wants to change this relationship then he’s got to be the one to be honest and ask me to open my heart to him. Otherwise, it stays closed so I don’t get hurt. However, at the end of the day, love is a tricky bitch. You can’t control who you fall in love with. If that happens even though I know better than I only have myself to blame. For now, I am safe. He checks all the important boxes that need to be checked for me to have a great FWB’s relationship until something else comes along.

There was actually a lot more I was going to write about but it’s now 4:20 in the morning and I’m tired… Hope you’re having a great weekend. xXx.

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Marching to the beat of no ones drum…

I’m sitting, working today and listening to some hard core music. It’s not really because I’m mad. I’m just really feeling some metal shit today. It may have something to do with the fact that as of today it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen the drummer. I have mixed feelings about this.

I’ve never had a FWB’s go this long so it’s over, like way over which makes me mad that he’s lied to me by telling me that he’d tell me when it’s over. I’m an easy person to make happy. Don’t lie, be respectful and be appreciative if I do anything that’s helpful. That’s all. So I can only assume that after 2 months he’s moved on or over it. There really is just no other reason. I wish guys just had the balls to say “Hey I’m seeing someone” or “I’m trying to make it work with my wife again” or “hey you just don’t interest me anymore” instead of ghosting someone. That’s just immature bullshit. But unlike most women out there I’m not going to post passive aggressive shit on social media. I’m not going to send some long message. I’m just going to disappear like we never knew each other.

I’m a bit sadder than I thought I’d be because I really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s fun and has great taste in music. But I don’t beg, question and I’m not really inquisitive so I won’t reach out to find out what’s gone on. If he doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I realize that he’s not as great as I once thought he was which means this is probably a blessing and not anything more serious.

The other part that sucks, he never really wanted the “F” part of this relationship. He was fine having the “WB” part on his terms but I wanted the friends part. I trusted him. I let him in as the friend I thought he could be and none of that means anything. I have been loyal, trusting, supportive and completely had this guys back since the first day I’ve ever met him and that was before knowing him at all because I felt he was a good man. I literally couldn’t stand anyone to talk shit about him. I don’t know why I assumed that role since day one.

I’m glad that I never let him in my heart. That’s for sure. I never expected this to go anywhere and I heeded his warnings the entire time but we were supposed to be FRIENDS… I told him in the beginning of all of this that this was going to be on his terms because he had so much more going on than I do. I’ve never NOT been looking for love but I knew it wasn’t with him because he told me it wasn’t. I’ve also not been “waiting” for something different to happen over these last two months. I think I knew it was over after a month.

I’m a numbers girl. I’ve always liked numbers which is why I do accounting. I’m obsessed with dates and could name the most ridiculous dates that no one else would ever remember. That’s why I noticed today that it’s been 2 months exactly.

At first I blamed my crazy friend because the moment she finds out about anything it gets ruined. Then I blamed myself with the basic “I’m not good enough” crap that we all tell ourselves when things don’t work out. Then I got pissed and now I’m just disappointed at myself for caring.

I was pissed because I did make him a priority for a while while I should have just kept him as an option. I did cancel plans to go see him on occasion and I think I’ve always given him more of myself than he deserved. All my fault but all things I would have done for any friend. That’s where guys usually mistake things. He might have thought that I was “falling for him” when I was doing things for the friend in him. As I’ve said before that if I started “falling for him” he’d probably never have seen me because I knew he was never a good idea. That chemistry though, didn’t care about any of it.

Everything happens for a reason… I really hate that phrase when I have to use it. Ugh, I hate feeling anything. Like I said this sucks more than expected and I’ll have to figure out why since I knew this wasn’t a “forever” thing. It’s not that I can’t just move on to another FWB at this point but I don’t like to “replace” people either. I need to feel this, figure out my thoughts and then be completely single for a little while with no FWB’s. I just hate that I have to “move on” from a friend.

Anyway, this is not a poetic post by any means and I really just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so maybe this will help.

… and now on to your regularly scheduled Friday. Mine is a nice dinner with friends and maybe a movie night. Who knows. Hope you’re having an amazing Friday. xXx.

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Weekend fun and thoughts…

I couldn’t have had a better weekend. It felt long but so much fun. Now that it’s Thursday I don’t feel like a useless human because I didn’t do anything. I told you, my life has little balance in it but this weekend I was totally ok with that.

Friday, after work, I decided to have a low-key evening and go to the gym. I ended up being there for almost 2 hours which for the weeks total for working out was over 12 hours. After the gym I came home, cooked dinner and then left again around midnight to go hang out at a friends for a couple hours. That’s another story I’ll tell later.

Saturday I woke up late, went and worked out then came home and chilled till I started to get ready to go out with an old friend. I went to meet her, we went to dinner then we went to a dive bar and just talked. She’s one of my oldest friends (which seemed to be the theme of the weekend) and I hadn’t seen her for months. I had told her about things going on in my life and around me and she seemed a bit perturbed that I hadn’t reached out before then and let her know any of it.

I can still picture her face as we’re sitting having dinner and I’m going into all the craziness and I can understand that it’s frustrating to be my friend. I don’t intend to keep “secrets” (unless they’re someone else’s) but it just happens that way. She was pretty upset about me not telling her about my Dad and my boss’s son but I didn’t NOT tell her intentionally. Plus it was a crazy time. I wasn’t thinking, “Oh who can I reach out to and let know”. That just seems like attempting to grab attention from people which I don’t like to do. If someone texted or called me or someone else told them and they asked me that’s pretty much how others were finding out. Regardless, it’s a flaw I have an I should work on it. I get that.

It was a fun night though. She and I have had this tradition for years of going out to this particular dive bar and having drinks while chatting and people watching. It was fun. But I realized that I’ve become one of “those” ex-cigarette smokers that thinks the smell is just disgusting and can’t believe that I did it for years. It has officially been 2 years 167 days 15 hours and 35 minutes since I’ve picked up a cigarette and would never consider it again. (Yes, there’s an app for that).

Sunday though, Sunday was so much fun! I went to go see another old friend of mine who lives about 45 minutes west of me and it’s basically country living. He’s got three kids. One who’s 16, another which is 3ish and the last which is 1.5ish. He and I don’t hang out much and we really don’t text much either but I just had this feeling that I wanted to go see him. We’d planned it Friday and he said he was going to barbecue but I didn’t want to go empty handed.

When his 16 year old was about 5 or so we had a water gun fight with her and we rivaled the kids. I had decided to do the same this time. P.S. The dollar store rocks! I went and picked up bubbles, balls and water guns. When I got to his place I was greeted by his wife, two young kids, his older kid and his nephew.

Since he and I grew up together I was close with his family. He is one of three brothers. One of those brothers I was much closer to than the other. He was/is the quintessential blonde hair, blue eyed football quarterback that all the girls went crazy over. I, however, had a brother/sister relationship with him. We joked with each other so much. This was a much better relationship than pining over him for any reason. But he also has three kids. I’d met the older 2 years ago but never met his youngest which is about to go into 7 grade. Instantly that kid and I got along and had some great conversations about music. He’s a really smart kid and somewhere in between the quintessential jock and a struggling musician.

So the house was full with seven people, loud music and many many dogs. At first sight it might have been misconstrued as chaotic but it was just fun and awesome. Before my friends 16 year old daughter and nephew left we’d decided to bust out the water guns and fire at my friend so five of us (all but the baby) doused him with as much as the dollar store water guns would hold until he retaliated by shaking his beer and dousing all of us with whatever beer he had. It was a good time.

All last week and this week though I’ve been making working out such a huge priority like never before. Last week alone I worked out over 12 hours. I seriously don’t know why I ever stop. The part that I have trouble with is keeping a dating life while I’m working out all the time. So, after my awesome weekend my week has been pretty boring. I’ve been working all day, going to work out at night. Going to the grocery store on the way home. Cooking, showering, watching as little TV as possible then bed to wake up and do it all over again. I guess you could say that my dating life is non-existent.

I was, however, looking forward to a “friend” of mine coming home soon but my excitement has lessened on that a lot. I’m just not interested in getting into these “going no where” relationships anymore. I’m not looking for a FWB, a booty call or a short term anything. It just doesn’t appeal to me any longer. Doesn’t mean I’m not as horny as hell but I’ll deal with it. Maybe that’s why I’m taking my frustration out at the gym.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for anymore. Just when I think I find it, it’s gone or I’m no longer interested. I’ve said this before but I HATE dating. This next statement will prove how right I am. So usually when I’m at the gym I have my “workout” mix playing loudly in my ears and I zone out on everyone else but the other day my headphones died and I was forced to listen to these 30’somethings in front of me on the elliptical. Their conversations were horrible. They were talking about how much money a guy makes, what his job is, his penis size and very loudly too. Apparently they don’t date any man that doesn’t at least make over $100,000 a year, drives a nice car and has a huge penis.

So these girls meet someone on Tinder then they blab to all their girl friends if he fits that criteria. Guys have enough to worry about now they have to worry that if they don’t fit in these boxes that they’ll be ridiculed. Are you kidding me? We, as humans, all have enough of our own insecurities why would you try to make some else feel like crap about their life choices. I have always never cared about any of that. First, if they have a job that can support themselves that’s all they need. I don’t need someone to “take care” of me. I have my own job and money. Second, if they have a car that works too. I don’t care what kind it is or how much it costs. Lastly, penis size doesn’t make a man. I’ve known guys that were endowed and didn’t know what the fuck to do with it while I’ve know guys that are average and perfectly capably of rocking my world… None of these things matter and certainly not when you’re trying to find a partner for life.

What I want in a man is an appreciation of music, respect, love and understanding. I don’t need to be with them all the time. I don’t need flowers and expensive dinners. I need to be joked with. I need us to laugh together. Explore life together. Make each others lives better and not have judgement for the other. I don’t need the toilet seat put down. I don’t need you to pull my chair out. I don’t need texts all day long. I need a shoulder massage. I need to cuddle on the couch and watch some stupid mindless show that I don’t care about and feel comfortable. It’s the little things that a man does that I notice not those other stupid things.

Anyway, now that I’m done with my diatribe of dating I can go back to the purpose of this post which was to inform you about my awesome weekend just before the next weekend starts. What are my plans so far? I have a nice dinner planned with friends tomorrow, a lot of gym time and who knows what else. I’d really really like to go to the beach and I might go come Sunday without anyone else to distract me. We’ll see.

So that’s my life right now. Hope yours is amazing and beautiful! xXx

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Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx