Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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The History of Connections…

I’ve had the weirdest week. Now, for me, that’s saying something. My week has been all about reconnections. I’ve found people I that I’d lost. I reconnected with people that I thought I’d never hear from again and found out one thing… We can all change peoples lives just by acknowledging something real about them from our past.

I’ll start with the first one. When I was a teenager I my best friends girlfriend and I were close. Not so close that it was a real bond that has stood the test of time but close enough for us to have a few memorable nights. One of those nights, I was sitting in her bedroom and her brother came in. He and I started talking about French and German existentialism because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 15 and want to seem deeper than you really are. It was the only real conversation that he and I had ever really had but at the end of it he gave me a book. It’s called When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin D Yalom. Keep in mind that this was 25 years ago. But through all my purges I’d kept this book. To be honest with you it wasn’t because it was a good read, in fact, I don’t actually remember ever reading it. I kept it because it was something that someone gave (let me borrow) and it had his hand written poetry inside.

I randomly saw this guy pop up on my “You might know this person” on Facebook. So one day I finally decided to send him a friend request. He’d quickly accepted but a few days later had sent me a message asking if we actually knew each other because my name sounded so familiar. You see, there’s another part to this. We both have another mutual friend that is in trouble in this town for his behavior. That’s a story for a bit further down this blog but he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t a “plant” trying to get information out of him about our mutual friend.

I explained to him our history and sent him a picture of the book. He then said, “Please don’t think this is to much and I hope it’s not but I’ve not cried for months, not really. But this – this got me.. in that healing and good and cathartic manner that crying can be”. It was more than the book but it was our history and the fact that I chose to keep it after all these years. I’m not going to lie. It made me cry too. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and this was just one of them. So there we are, two old friends, reliving times that we’d forgotten and having a cathartic cry. Then to top things off, I’d sent him a pic of the poetry that he’d written in all of the pages and all he could do is repeatedly thank me for making his week. I was so touched.

I have to admit that since the hurricane almost a year ago I’ve become much more in touch with my feelings. It’s a weird thing for me. So, so many things have changed for me. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than this time last year. Mostly, it’s all happening in randomness. Which leads me to my second and most amazing story.

You all know, here, how much I LOVE music and how much it means to me. Every about it. Well 23 years ago I sat in a music recording studio with four boys. Yes, we were all basically kids. The producer that was there, I have always admired, appreciated and looked for. I wasn’t like, crazy stalker-girl or anything but I’d occasionally do some random searching for his name but never came up with anything. I never assumed he’d remember some “groupie” girl that was just in the background. I always knew this experience would always mean more to me than it did to him but it was and has always been so important to me to tell him how much he meant to me.

Well, on one of my “I’m bored, lets search” searches I came across his name. I’d emailed him and asked if he was the owner of a studio in Houston years ago and to my excitement he replied with an enthusiastic “Yes!”. So, remember when I told you that this week had been emotional… I instantly cried. Like tears streaming down, excited and nostalgic balling. I’d decided to go through my old photos, which were thankfully saved from flood waters. I was remember all our conversations and to my surprise and delight the producer had said he’d remember me and gave me his phone number to call him over the weekend.

After a bit of miscommunication trying to get one another we finally were on the phone this afternoon and reminiscing. He’d said that out of all the people that came in his studio with that band he remembered the bass player and me the most fondly and he’d always assumed we’d be the one’s the “make it”. I kept saying, “Are you sure you’re thinking of the right girl” and to my surprise not only did he describe me but recited one of the most prolific conversations I’ve ever had with anyone which we’d had while sitting on the steps of a local bar which has since been closed. He’d said that he was telling his hair dresser about me today and she asked him if he’d been “good”. His reply shocked me. He said that he told her, “It’s weird, yes I was good but I knew that she was only 16/17 at the time and all I could think of was how great our conversations were. He’d admitted that he felt awkward back then being able to talk to me the way he did.

Don’t miss understand, our conversations were never anything sexual and there were no sexual overtones either. But he said he had to keep reminding himself of my age. Now, he’s invited me to come stay with him in the northeast where he lives. I’d realized quickly that NOW he realized I’m much old and our conversations were still flowing after a 23 year sabbatical from each other. He’d asked if I was single so my assumption that nothing is off limits now is a bit more realistic.

The best part though was hearing about his past, after the band. Where he’s been. What he’s done. I’d told him that I often tell his teachings to others. I love telling people about him because he was one of the few adult figures in my life that I truly respected and taught me as if I was his equal even though he knew and knows far more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. But, as I’m telling him the story that I, so often repeat to others, he’s just on the other end of the phone saying, “Wow, yes! Yes! That’s it. You remember. Wow.”.

I finalized the conversation by telling him that I just wanted to make sure he knew that he was, is and has been a mentor of mine for 23 years. I wanted to thank him for that and tell him that I am blessed to have known him. We traded more contact information and he’s sending me some of the bands history.

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually take him up on his offer to come stay with him, although tempting, I am blown away with the impression that he had of me back then. I always assumed that he just thought of me as some kid but no he never did. In fact, he thought of me much more fondly that I’d ever expect. I know of all the people that touch my lives and yet, for some reason, I’m always shocked when it goes the other direction.

Relationships are NEVER coincidence. There is always a purpose. I say that a lot but I realize that now more than ever. I think that’s why I was so drawn to the drummer. I always thought that there was some other purpose for us to “find” each other. I’m, of course, desperately sexually attracted to him but it has to be more than that. I can’t have him like that and because I won’t cross those boundaries I’ve made a pact with my friend to not go see the band for a very long time. He’d said that he was drawn to me and that we had chemistry and that when he’s around me he wants to, or does things that he’s not supposed to do so I’ve made it easy by staying away so he’s not put in the position to be bad.

My point is, I think part of the reason we found each other was to fulfill a need in me to be around a great and brilliant musician. While I met him in a cover band, I’ve seen his work as an original artist and good. Great even. I actually told him once, “For me, watching you play the drums is like watching an erotic porn”. I meant every word of that too. But it’s hard to believe that our story is over. It’s hard to believe that he will no longer be a character in my storybook. Watching him, watching the band and being friends with them brought me back to so much of my younger years and so maybe he was just placed in my story so that I can have nostalgia flashbacks. Who knows?!

The friend and I were actually placed back into each others lives again. This times it’s different though. His heart is broken and he needs a friend. This time, I’m there as a FRIEND completely. We actually talk now and, hopefully, listen to each other. I realized, as he’s telling me about his heartbreak, that all I wanted for him to be happy. Before, all I wanted was for him to be happy, with me. Things with us are probably how they always should have been if my “feelings” didn’t get in the way. I have always wanted him to succeed though and I’m glad that he’d found someone that helped him do that. I’d always thought it would have been me that helped him but after years of systematic masochistic abuse on both our parts I released him and the power he had over me. I released my attachment to him completely. He and I will never be more than what we are right now but what we are right now is so much better than anything we’d been in the past.

So tonight, I am blessed and thankful for re-uniting with old friends. Getting to hear how I influence them and being able to tell them how much I appreciate them. If you have someone in your life that you appreciate make sure that today, you tell them. It never hurts to give someone a compliment and that is one huge compliment.

Nite xxx

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowingly entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time (words out of the guitarist mouth). bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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#TimesUp – Women’s March

I’m here. Here with women on a day where the power of a woman is unmeasurable.
There’s so much pink, and power and pride.
I have silently screamed for so long and now… I’m done. I will be loud.

#TimesUp – The first time.
I was 10 and cute and innocent.
What one should be at that age.
We were all playing.
Me, my brother and our babysitter.
Parents are out and I was being a kid, a child.
“It’s time for bed”, he said.
I remember going to bed in my nightgown.
My 10 year old kids nightgown.
What happened next made me age beyond years.
He touched and “played”.
He made it sound fun.
I knew it was something that it shouldn’t be.
He had no right!
WHO DOES THAT?
But not the worst that happened.
I woke up and it felt like everyone knew.
But no one spoke about it.
I was told later, “We knew something happened but we just didn’t have him babysit again”.
But for years I thought that my mind was sick.
I thought that I’d made it all up.
I must have.
No one’s confirmed.
Years go by.
15 years go by.
I met a girl that knew me.
I met a girl that knew him.
She had the same memories.
She had the same babysitter.
Finally!
I finally knew I wasn’t crazy.
But then it just felt like I was lost and alone.
Ignorance doesn’t make it go away.
Ignorance doesn’t make it feel better.
Ignorance made it happen to many others.

Fuck you ignorance.

Fuck you babysitter.

Fuck you memories.

#TimesUp – The second time.
He was a neighbor.
I let him in my home.
He brought a friend.
He left knowing his friend was not a friend of mine.
It was on a pool table.
It was unkind.
It was painful.
It was my fault?
I was silent. Again.

Fuck you neighbor!

Fuck you neighbor’s friend!

Fuck you silence!

#TimesUp – The third time.
He was a boss.
I was much older this time.
I was much stronger this time.
I held my own.
But it didn’t stop his attempts.
Over and over and over again.
But would I have let things go on as long if I wasn’t jaded by the first time or the second time?
This would go on for years.
But I figured out his other dirty secret and then it all stopped.

Fuck you boss!

Fuck you secrets!

Fuck you again!

I am NOT a victim.

#TimesUp – The four and fifth and sixth and…. times.
The guy in the parking lot that wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
The guy that fucks you to use you.
The guy that grabs you unasked.
The guy that loves you to use you.
The guy that leaves you to do it to someone else.
The guys that shroud their ignorance with excuses.

The guys that made it impossible for me to love fully and unconditionally. The guys that made it impossible for me to trust another.

I think, in the last 10 years I’ve known one man who made me feel whole again. He made me feel beautiful and strong and like I wasn’t the most fucked up person. He’s accepting and honest and kind and beautiful. He loves me and he tells me. He’s not afraid. He’s got the best soul and he makes me feel like I’m not broken. He’s a true beautiful soul. He’s a true believer in women. He’s my ex and my best friend and maybe one day we’ll be more when we’re both ready but for now. He’s just Dan.

I only bring Dan up because on a day that seems like such a powerful day for women I thought I’d give a shout out to one man that truly stands up for women. He’s the first and only real man that I know. I wish that wasn’t true. I wish I knew more but I am grateful for him because he makes all the times above feel like they never happened. He’s my blessing.

That’s what I have to say as the first post in a long time. So much has changed and maybe I’ll get back into writing. Maybe I won’t. But I just needed to put my blessing out in the world today.

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Correcting a misinterpreted mistake…

I think that one of the words that would most be used to describe me, from my friends, would be flirtatious but with no intent. Sometimes, what I think is just honest or fun turns out to be flirty with the wrong interpretation on the other end.

Let me explain. I haven’t been to Austin since the weekend before my birthday but for some reason my brothers neighbor has had a reason to text me almost on a daily basis. I think I’ve actually met this guy maybe four or five times total, as in in person. The very first time I met him he spent the entire night touching me all over my face, arms, back. This had nothing to do with sex but he had heard that I hated to be touched and therefore took it upon himself to do it all night.

I’ve talked about him before but he’s a trust fund baby but he’s not a total d-bag about it. You can just tell that there’s not a lot of things in his life that he’s had to do without. In the same breath I’m not sure he’s ever NOT gotten something he’s wanted either.

At first, these texts and calls had to do with a business that he wanted to open and he wanted info. Then it soon turned into a prank that he wanted to play on my brother. Then tonight it turned into something else that he needed.

I’m fine with doing things for others. That’s not a problem but I really hope that he’s not taking any of my “playfulness” to heart. I still don’t want him to touch me, I still don’t want him to kiss me and he is just a friend of my brothers.

In a really weird way I’d love to go there and say, “Oh I’m seeing someone blah blah blah” just to make a point that even though he might want me to want him that he’s no where on that list for me. Read what I said, I did NOT say that he wants me. I said that he wants me to WANT HIM. It’s completely different for rich guys. These are guys I’ve known all my life AND dated. It’s never ever that they like you that much it’s just about “having” or “getting” you.

With this particular guy though, he’s been nicknamed silver spoon, it’s tough because I’m not going to censor myself but I also don’t want him to get the wrong idea. What’s also disconcerting is that the more I get to know him the less attractive he actually gets. The more I get to know him I realize just how little confidence he has. It’s strange and in him it’s really unattractive. I don’t find that to be true to all men though.

Hopefully I won’t see him this weekend at all thought, when I go to my brothers. What I do hope to do this weekend is get a little happy drunk, not work at all and just have some fun. That’s not too much to ask right? I am in desperate need to decompress after this shitty week and it’s only Wednesday. Way too much stress for this week.

That’s enough of my rambling tonight. I’m still in a strange mood which might have something to do with the coming full moon or the opening of two friends new clubs soon or something else entirely… Any other city still looks better than this one right now… It’s off to bed.

I think I’ve found a new name for something I have tonight…

Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

raw