Song of the day: Wicked Game By: Gemma Hayes (cover)

One of my favorite ex’s and I had this little game we’d play. On Mondays we’d go watch football at a local pub down the street from my house. The game was (if we were feeling it) to get as many phone numbers as we could from the opposite sex. Whoever had the most phone numbers by the end of the night won and had to pay the bill. Then on the drive back home we’d finalize the night by letting go of all the numbers out the car window. (This was before iPhones don’t judge me).

For us, I think, part of the turn on was to realize how sexy the other person was to others and it ramped up our sex life even more. We weren’t trying to make each other jealous and neither of us really cared but it was just a fun little game we played on Mondays.

I bring this up because I saw that guy the other day and we flirted and reminisced about those times. He’s married now and partially happy but it was nice to go down memory lane. We weren’t in love with each other by any stretch but we had a lot of fun with each other. He was one of the few guys I’d dated that didn’t get jealous. But here’s the thing… not all jealousy is bad.

I have this weird stance on the subject. I like my guy to be a little jealous but as long as he knows he’s the only one that I want. As far as he’s concerned, it takes a lot to make me jealous and I don’t mind the flirting but I have been there. That’s the problem when you are attracted to musicians because I think that part of their “marketing” the band is kind of flirting. If I know that they are coming home with or to me I’m ok with it.

Part of the reason why this comes up is because as much as I thought my ex and I were having fun he said that it always bothered him but never wanted to say anything. I found it interesting that was his stance and asked him why he never said anything and he said because it looked like I was having fun and he was, at the least, always assured that I would be faithful to him. Which I was. We dated off and on for about 3 years and it was good.

He brought up this other friendship that I had back then and still have to this day. He’s one of my closest friends and I nicknamed him “asshat” which is a long story. But my friend has always wanted to date since we first met but I was just never attracted to him. We’d have these weird parties in our late teens/early 20’s and he’d beg for some sort of intimacy with me. It became a running joke. Then he married someone who hated our friendship. That marriage didn’t last but our friendship has. Now, his new wife and I are on amazing terms and she laughs each time he makes a comment about us “hooking up”. She knows that I’ll never do it and that we are just those friends that make those jokes.

These are the things I think about when I meet new “potentials”. Will they be more fun or more work? Can we have a great, fun relationship or is this going to be some sort of roller coaster of emotions and jerking around. Even in my lowest, deepest depressions I realize that I’m not mad about love it’s the things that come with it that feel so unbearable.

After I’d written a post one day about the kind of relationship that I want being different I got a lot of emails asking what I meant. Here’s what that meant: Do I care if the guy I date doesn’t take out the trash or put down the seat or leave the socks right next to the hamper? No. Do I care if I get flowers or an expensive ring or texts every single day? No. What I care most about is feeling free with that person that we connect on a deeper level. What I care about is does that person speak his truth to me and does he respect me? Can I have fun with him, have a serious conversation then go right back to having fun and feel no different about them? Can we both be vulnerable with each other and still love the hell out of each other?

One of my last ex’s basically started living with me a week after we met and it was so fast and so intense in the beginning. There was this one weekend when he decided he was going to make breakfast in bed. He made everything you could think of and the kitchen was an absolute disaster. But after we had this great morning I got up and cleaned. When I was telling a girl friend about it later she said she would have been so pissed about the mess and that he didn’t clean it up. I never understood that because he did this really sweet thing and what so many women do is focus on the negative aspect of what happened. Why couldn’t it be a 50/50 split? What was so wrong with him going out of his way to do that and me clean up after?

I love humans… Really I do but sometimes what I see is these men that have been beaten down by women in such a way that they no longer have the will to try to be better because they just assume they’ll get yelled at anyway so why try. I am not saying men are perfect or that women are perfect. We all have so many flaws but I’m tired of seeing so many humans beaten down by other humans.

I don’t know… I have weird energy around me right now but this is what’s in my head today. I’ve been feeling an even more draw to write lately and I guess that’s because I bottle so much up. Unfortunately that means you all here get bombarded by my weirdness. Enjoy today’s cover song. xxx

Song of the Day: Better By: Khalid

I have spoken about how the hurricane four years ago constituted a change that needed to happen and that I am grateful for that. Since then, I have just recently moved again. That, however, was NOT for the best reasons.

I felt like I needed a change of scenery. I needed another cleansing. But the truth is that I was running away from yet another heartbreak.

I received a notification on here a few months ago of my 12 year WordPress anniversary. I can’t believe I’ve been writing on here for that long. Each time my heart breaks beyond what I think is comparable I feel like I need to scrub away everything that I can. I’ve deleted posts from here three times now, I’ve moved, I’ve gotten rid of mattresses and other furniture and I’ve gotten rid of clothes and shoes. All because whatever it was reminded me of someone.

As you can see I don’t handle heart break well. I don’t even handle love well so… I thought that I’d have handled this last one better because it was so insignificant as far as time. The feelings, however, were much different.

This last one was a chemical, mental, emotional and physical anomaly. It was one that snuck up on me then disappeared as quickly as it came but shook me to my core. I felt and still, to this day, feel the pain that he holds and I still feel like we’re connected on a deeper level than I’ve ever been.

I’ve done so much self healing and releasing him and just when I think I’m done and I’m ok I’ll have a dream with him in it or I’ll see or speak with a friend that we both know. Logically I know that we’ll never speak or see each other again and I’ve tried to move on by dating other people but emotionally this connection won’t go away.

I had been doing pretty good these last few days but I’d gone to see my hair stylist today, in a new shop, in a new part of town and just as I’m thinking about one of the new “potentials who happens to live close to the salon I hear the song of the day on their stereo.

The guy I’m talking about proclaimed this song as “ours”. There’s a longer story behind it but it was more the timing of today as if the universe was saying, “Don’t think about the other guy, you and ‘insert name here’ aren’t done yet”. I wish, in my heart that that’s true but in my head I know we are… Do you know what it’s like to fight with your heart and your head ALL THE TIME!

I’m hoping these things will calm down after the full moon but tonight…. I’m not ok and I wish I WAS Better. Enjoy tonight’s song… XXX

New Start After A Long Sabbatical…

I write this over 2 years since my last post and since I deleted my history.

I went through a couple of my old posts from the trash and it’s nice to remember some of those times. However, so much has changed in the world in that time as well. I’ve met some great people and lost a few as well. I’m reminded of things that I appreciate and have learned new things. I’m overwhelmed with missing a few lost souls and a few lost loves.

I’m currently in a weird limbo space, in a new home with much less personality. I fill my days with work, fitness and much less socializing than I’d like. I fall into black holes of useless knowledge and useful music.

Some days I find the rabbit holes of music far too emotional though as songs have so many memories for me. I went through a whole chapter of healing which had me forgiving and letting go of people and instances that made me have negative emotions but lately some of the positive emotions that were also associated with the have been flooding back in my mind whether I’m mindlessly working or sleeping beyond the conscience.

It’s strange to me that with all the great love of friends and lovers some of the ones that I spent the least amount of time with would be raging back in my mind like an untimely tornado undoing progress and upsetting the balance in my mind that I have so consciously filed away neatly for two years.

We start latching on to things or sayings that we’ve heard in the past like, “If you are dreaming about someone from the past it’s because they’re thinking about you”. All in hopes that those fortune cookie truths are correct.

Aside from the world around all of us that’s changed I’ve gone through a lot myself in the past two years. But I realized the other day that one of the things I missed most about posting here was sharing music with you that meant so much to me. So I promise to post again but I think I’ll focus on the songs and let the memories just come back to me silently.

Enjoy…