The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

9060718-thankful-quotes-1-1

Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

img_20180316_130434.png

Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

giphy

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

When to know when you’ve passed that thin line…

Years ago thin lines were what started the party for me and now I seem to be dancing back and forth between the thin lines of another substance. I believe myself to be a good person. All I want to do is make others happy. I feel like I decide a couple years ago that if I don’t get to have a happy ending then I’d make sure everyone around me did. So, that’s what I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people especially when they show appreciation but it seems that the last couple years I’ve also dabbled into helping others feel better all while tip-toeing the line of what is acceptable. “Do I flirt with the married guy because he’s not getting what he needs at home?” “Do I help this friend find something that makes her happy?” “Do I keep the secrets of those people?”.

Truth is I’m a sexual being, some might say too much. I like to talk about it, text about it and physically do it BUT the latter only seems to happen when I truly feel connected to someone now-a-days. I don’t mean love I mean a connection. I mean, I never have just randomly jumped in to bed with anyone. I’ve very particular. But since I’m being drawn into the spiritual world more now than ever before I understand that sex isn’t just a physical act. I can do that with anyone but the sex that I want is powerful, makes you feel transformed or transported. It goes above and beyond just the standard physicality of the act of sex.

My GBF keeps telling me that I should just jump in the sack with any one of the five guys that have me on their radar right now but I just can’t. I just literally got done sexting one of them before I started typing this. He’s one that confides a lot in me. We have great conversations but I just don’t feel that “connection” to him.

Then there’s THE friend, the one that I used to feel a connection to but don’t really feel anything anymore. I mean, I want him to be happy but I realized a while ago that as much as he tries to be better I don’t think he’ll ever be the friend to me that I am to him. I have tolerated a lot because I am that friend but don’t think he has ever sacrificed anything for me. That’s not a pre-requisite to be a friend of mine but some equality would be nice.

Then there’s the drummer. So, I know that I said I wasn’t going to have this turn into anything close to what THE friend and I were and by that I mean my slight obsession BUT he’s who I feel that connection to right now. If someone else comes along and I feel it with them then I’ll move on but until then that’s what you all get to hear about.

So, the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since August of last year but we’d chatted a little here and there. In the interim of not seeing him I’d been inundated with people telling me his secrets, or flaws but never once did I let them or what they said sway me. I defended him as much as I could and when I saw some sort of lie being perpetrated about him I cleaned it up and fixed it. Even if I knew it wasn’t a lie I still cleaned it up and protected him. I have had this dude’s back for almost a year without really knowing him because I have a strong sense about people. My boss will tell you that I’m usually never wrong.

After not seeing him for months I took THE friend to a show of his last weekend. THE friend wouldn’t have been my first choice and he wasn’t. I had asked if I could bring my co-workers wife and the drummer said no with good reason. She makes everything about her, there’s usually drama and no one wants to see a sloppy drunk try to flirt with every married man in the bar. Second, my boss was going to go but at the last minute something came up so THE friend was my last choice.

I had no agenda and only wanted to see my drummer friend play… That’s all. But I’m not going to lie, I wanted to see if after this long if there was still some sort of connection between us. To be honest with you I’m not sure if it’s a connection or it’s chemistry or if there’s even a difference. I just needed to see if there was anything more.

We got there and in the beginning it was awkward because it was obvious THE friend didn’t even want to be there. But I had my back to the drummer while he setup for the show. I had taken a call outside from my niece who wanted to say goodnight to me and then came back in. They’d started their set and he and I hadn’t even spoken yet but the moment they started playing I realized that, “Yep, there’s still something there!”. I once told the drummer that, “For me, watching you play is like watching an erotic porn” and I was so right about that.

We’d finally started talking and then it’s like we didn’t want to finish. Which is so freaking weird. We dabbled into talking about a lot of stuff in a short amount of time. He’d made some comment about why I brought some guy with me and asked if he was my boyfriend and if I did that to make him jealous. I’d said no because I really hadn’t but asked if he was and he’d said yes. At one point we went outside, actually a couple times by ourselves and the tension was palpable.

I just feel like there’s so much more to say to each other but mostly, I just want to see how good the sex is. But it’s more than that. I have no filter to lie to this guy. I mean, I’m not a liar by nature but I’m not sure that I’d be able to be dishonest with him even if I wanted to be, which I don’t. In fact, the first time he and I ever spoken on the phone which was months ago, I’d said something to him and he didn’t believe me and I replied, “Just know that I’ll never lie to you”. His reply, “Good, I like that”. But most guys I just tell them what they want to hear which usually equates to telling the truth but salting it with fabrications. Whether this is to build their ego, put them in their place or just because I’ve said something cruel and now I need to soften the blow. But with him, I don’t have to.

We’ve talked a little bit since then, not much but it appears the only “ship” that he and I will ever have is one during and possibly after I’ve gone to a gig of his. That’s not what I want. But I also don’t think that I want to date him either. What my ideal relationship would be is a FWB’s thing. If we’d ever seen each other outside of a gig then I’d feel better about this but I am not about to get into another one-sided thing with anyone. Certainly not when I know, this time around, I’m worth so much more than that.

We were both nervous at first too which is another weird thing. Guys don’t make me nervous and I wouldn’t think he would have been but we both were. After all that though it’s hard to believe that someone that I feel so insanely attracted to I might never actually have sex with. That will be a shame. The baby thing came up again as well but because I made a joke about it and he jokingly replied, “There’s still time”. I don’t know too many men that joke about having a kid with someone they barely know but he’s a new breed and he’s said before that just because we don’t “know” each other well doesn’t mean we don’t have a connection. We’ve both said things to each other that would make great lines in movie one day.

So all this started with sexting with a guy that I feel nothing for and ended with a guy that I never have real conversations with. That is my luck. One day I’ll either admit to myself that these fucked up relationships that I put myself in are NOT what life’s about OR I’ll just submit that my life was never supposed to be normal. I still don’t know that I was ever on this earth for 2.5 kids, a husband and a white picket fence or if I was here to make sure everyone else got what they wanted. Does it even matter anymore? What in the hell do I even want anymore…

…and on that note I’m winding down my night listening to some Ludovico Einaudi, one of my favorite artists. If you don’t know check out Nuvole Bianche. It might just change your life.

Nite xxx

sex__drugs_or_rock__n___roll___by_annnce-1

Boring Nights Verses the Reality of a Dream…

It’s official, every single year around this time, my niece takes me down with some sort of illness. Kids and their little micro germs. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I spent time with her over Thanksgiving and I’d chose to feel like this after, ever time as long as she and I got to spend our time together. She is the one person in my life that has my whole heart. I remember her first Christmas where I held her all day in my arms and almost bit off the hand of anyone else that tried to hold her. She slept all day just like that. Fast forward a few years and she and I are buried underneath a blanket of plush animals snuggled together while watching a Christmas movie, all while her little germs permeate my immune system.

The next day, on the way back home, I knew I was about to be sick. I could feel it. As I’m on my 2 hour car ride home and my boss is talking my ear off about his broken heart which I’ve heard 1,000 times in a month, all I could think was, “Damn it, I’ll be down for two weeks”. For some reason I’ve always hated going to see the Doctor for something as simple as antibiotics which puts me out sick for 2 weeks. This year was different. My boss forced me to go to the doctor and get a script for something which has actually sped my recovery beyond years past.

But within this week things have been quiet. I’ve done as much work as I could before slipping in and out of consciousness and helped where I could. I’ve been lounging around in sweat pants with a runny nose and avoiding the phone as much as possible as I am not a pretty sound right now. So this week has been painfully boring. You all know when my life gets boring is when I start having these strange thoughts to run away, do something spontaneous or hit up some old flames to pass the time. I’ve done none of it though but did have a thought provoking conversation with my GBF tonight.

He was asking about my year in boyfriends, or boys in general. My reply was that it’s been pretty unproductive. I guess that’s not the entire truth but it’s not like there’s been a lot that I can talk about in public. I mean, married men all over the place. There was one at the beginning of the year and he was boring but attached. There was another one that was married that had “feelings for me” which I had absolutely no attraction for what-so-ever – he’s been blocked. There was another one that was sleeping with a friend that wants to continue something with me after he was done with her that I had absolutely no attraction to – he’s been blocked. There’s one that I am really good friends with that’s leaving to work in another country so we’ll still get to talk and I like talking to him but he’s married. The last one, THAT one, the one that I will probably always be attracted to but will never see again and he’s married.

These boys got my GBF and I talking about what I should have done differently all year. But it started with me asking the guy that’s leaving the country why married men are attracted to me and he said, “Well, cause you’re cool, down-to-earth, and because you don’t nit-pick. You’re down for whatever and you have a temptressness about you.” I don’t even think that’s a word but never would have said that before this year. Truth is that none of those guys saw 100% of who I am and never really cared to either. But now that I’ve said that I don’t know that anyone has, or even come close.

So what would I have done differently this year? Well, the boring and attached, I would have been done with him sooner. The one that had feelings for me I would have made it even more simple that I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him what-so-ever. The one that was sleeping with a friend first, I would have not tried to help him so much with advice, apparently me giving him dating advice was just wrong and I would have probably have blocked him sooner. The one that’s leaving I probably wouldn’t have done anything different with him because I kind of like where we’re at with each other. There’s no cheating but some great conversations and a little bit of sexting. The last one, Oh the last one… Being that I will probably never see him again I’d probably have had sex with him back in a parking lot months ago, then at least, he’d be out of my system and I could stop thinking about him. I mean it’s just sex anyway.

But instead of having the sex I’ve tried to move him to this box of “business friendship” where I try to help him out using my connections at work. I don’t understand why it’s so important for me to help him though. He’s never really done anything outstanding for me. He’s never been overly nice to me. Yes, we have a crazy sexual chemistry but that’s all. I’ve talked about this before that what I’m doing isn’t happening organically. It doesn’t feel right. It’s weird. But it’s so important for me to hit up people that I’ve done business with for at least a decade to help him that I find myself wondering why… and I’m at a loss.

I don’t really know him well. What I do know about him is from rumors of others and it’s not been very nice but still I want to help. Maybe it’s my need to find a purpose for everyone that I meet and as of right now I don’t know why I met him. Maybe it’s the sexual chemistry except if I don’t ever see him again then what does that matter? I am really at a loss for what this one is supposed to have taught me and why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive.

These are the things I think about on a life hiatusĀ  while being sick. I asked the universe for the answer but she has a funny way of not answering me in a plain and simple way so there’s no confusion. Instead, I keep having this recurring dream that he comes over, drunk one night and we dance in the dark to an old jazz record of mine and then we have sex for hours until he falls asleep. Then I go to the patio in just a t-shirt and watch the rain. He comes out and just wraps his arms around me and tells me that he doesn’t want to wake up and have me not be next to him… Then I wake up.

Is this my subconscious telling me that I’m needing some romance in my life, the romance that I’ve pushed away for years? I have no idea and now I think that my NyQuil has kicked in because I’m talking about romance with a guy that I don’t even know, or even know if I even like, or that I’ll ever see again. Maybe it’s just me thinking about the last time that I actually felt anything at all. Who knows?… But since I have an excuse that I’m on medicine here’s to dancing in the dark to jazz records, lots and lots of sex and kisses on the neck in the rain.

Nite… xXx

800px_COLOURBOX4746491

Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

music_is_what_feelings_sound_like-4953

The History of Connections…

I’ve had the weirdest week. Now, for me, that’s saying something. My week has been all about reconnections. I’ve found people I that I’d lost. I reconnected with people that I thought I’d never hear from again and found out one thing… We can all change peoples lives just by acknowledging something real about them from our past.

I’ll start with the first one. When I was a teenager I my best friends girlfriend and I were close. Not so close that it was a real bond that has stood the test of time but close enough for us to have a few memorable nights. One of those nights, I was sitting in her bedroom and her brother came in. He and I started talking about French and German existentialism because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 15 and want to seem deeper than you really are. It was the only real conversation that he and I had ever really had but at the end of it he gave me a book. It’s called When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin D Yalom. Keep in mind that this was 25 years ago. But through all my purges I’d kept this book. To be honest with you it wasn’t because it was a good read, in fact, I don’t actually remember ever reading it. I kept it because it was something that someone gave (let me borrow) and it had his hand written poetry inside.

I randomly saw this guy pop up on my “You might know this person” on Facebook. So one day I finally decided to send him a friend request. He’d quickly accepted but a few days later had sent me a message asking if we actually knew each other because my name sounded so familiar. You see, there’s another part to this. We both have another mutual friend that is in trouble in this town for his behavior. That’s a story for a bit further down this blog but he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t a “plant” trying to get information out of him about our mutual friend.

I explained to him our history and sent him a picture of the book. He then said, “Please don’t think this is to much and I hope it’s not but I’ve not cried for months, not really. But this – this got me.. in that healing and good and cathartic manner that crying can be”. It was more than the book but it was our history and the fact that I chose to keep it after all these years. I’m not going to lie. It made me cry too. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and this was just one of them. So there we are, two old friends, reliving times that we’d forgotten and having a cathartic cry. Then to top things off, I’d sent him a pic of the poetry that he’d written in all of the pages and all he could do is repeatedly thank me for making his week. I was so touched.

I have to admit that since the hurricane almost a year ago I’ve become much more in touch with my feelings. It’s a weird thing for me. So, so many things have changed for me. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than this time last year. Mostly, it’s all happening in randomness. Which leads me to my second and most amazing story.

You all know, here, how much I LOVE music and how much it means to me. Every about it. Well 23 years ago I sat in a music recording studio with four boys. Yes, we were all basically kids. The producer that was there, I have always admired, appreciated and looked for. I wasn’t like, crazy stalker-girl or anything but I’d occasionally do some random searching for his name but never came up with anything. I never assumed he’d remember some “groupie” girl that was just in the background. I always knew this experience would always mean more to me than it did to him but it was and has always been so important to me to tell him how much he meant to me.

Well, on one of my “I’m bored, lets search” searches I came across his name. I’d emailed him and asked if he was the owner of a studio in Houston years ago and to my excitement he replied with an enthusiastic “Yes!”. So, remember when I told you that this week had been emotional… I instantly cried. Like tears streaming down, excited and nostalgic balling. I’d decided to go through my old photos, which were thankfully saved from flood waters. I was remember all our conversations and to my surprise and delight the producer had said he’d remember me and gave me his phone number to call him over the weekend.

After a bit of miscommunication trying to get one another we finally were on the phone this afternoon and reminiscing. He’d said that out of all the people that came in his studio with that band he remembered the bass player and me the most fondly and he’d always assumed we’d be the one’s the “make it”. I kept saying, “Are you sure you’re thinking of the right girl” and to my surprise not only did he describe me but recited one of the most prolific conversations I’ve ever had with anyone which we’d had while sitting on the steps of a local bar which has since been closed. He’d said that he was telling his hair dresser about me today and she asked him if he’d been “good”. His reply shocked me. He said that he told her, “It’s weird, yes I was good but I knew that she was only 16/17 at the time and all I could think of was how great our conversations were. He’d admitted that he felt awkward back then being able to talk to me the way he did.

Don’t miss understand, our conversations were never anything sexual and there were no sexual overtones either. But he said he had to keep reminding himself of my age. Now, he’s invited me to come stay with him in the northeast where he lives. I’d realized quickly that NOW he realized I’m much old and our conversations were still flowing after a 23 year sabbatical from each other. He’d asked if I was single so my assumption that nothing is off limits now is a bit more realistic.

The best part though was hearing about his past, after the band. Where he’s been. What he’s done. I’d told him that I often tell his teachings to others. I love telling people about him because he was one of the few adult figures in my life that I truly respected and taught me as if I was his equal even though he knew and knows far more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. But, as I’m telling him the story that I, so often repeat to others, he’s just on the other end of the phone saying, “Wow, yes! Yes! That’s it. You remember. Wow.”.

I finalized the conversation by telling him that I just wanted to make sure he knew that he was, is and has been a mentor of mine for 23 years. I wanted to thank him for that and tell him that I am blessed to have known him. We traded more contact information and he’s sending me some of the bands history.

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually take him up on his offer to come stay with him, although tempting, I am blown away with the impression that he had of me back then. I always assumed that he just thought of me as some kid but no he never did. In fact, he thought of me much more fondly that I’d ever expect. I know of all the people that touch my lives and yet, for some reason, I’m always shocked when it goes the other direction.

Relationships are NEVER coincidence. There is always a purpose. I say that a lot but I realize that now more than ever. I think that’s why I was so drawn to the drummer. I always thought that there was some other purpose for us to “find” each other. I’m, of course, desperately sexually attracted to him but it has to be more than that. I can’t have him like that and because I won’t cross those boundaries I’ve made a pact with my friend to not go see the band for a very long time. He’d said that he was drawn to me and that we had chemistry and that when he’s around me he wants to, or does things that he’s not supposed to do so I’ve made it easy by staying away so he’s not put in the position to be bad.

My point is, I think part of the reason we found each other was to fulfill a need in me to be around a great and brilliant musician. While I met him in a cover band, I’ve seen his work as an original artist and good. Great even. I actually told him once, “For me, watching you play the drums is like watching an erotic porn”. I meant every word of that too. But it’s hard to believe that our story is over. It’s hard to believe that he will no longer be a character in my storybook. Watching him, watching the band and being friends with them brought me back to so much of my younger years and so maybe he was just placed in my story so that I can have nostalgia flashbacks. Who knows?!

The friend and I were actually placed back into each others lives again. This times it’s different though. His heart is broken and he needs a friend. This time, I’m there as a FRIEND completely. We actually talk now and, hopefully, listen to each other. I realized, as he’s telling me about his heartbreak, that all I wanted for him to be happy. Before, all I wanted was for him to be happy, with me. Things with us are probably how they always should have been if my “feelings” didn’t get in the way. I have always wanted him to succeed though and I’m glad that he’d found someone that helped him do that. I’d always thought it would have been me that helped him but after years of systematic masochistic abuse on both our parts I released him and the power he had over me. I released my attachment to him completely. He and I will never be more than what we are right now but what we are right now is so much better than anything we’d been in the past.

So tonight, I am blessed and thankful for re-uniting with old friends. Getting to hear how I influence them and being able to tell them how much I appreciate them. If you have someone in your life that you appreciate make sure that today, you tell them. It never hurts to give someone a compliment and that is one huge compliment.

Nite xxx

maxresdefault