My mind in music tonight… Cause that’s all I got.

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The weekend so far and some insight… I guess.

Weekend has been good so far, pleasant. For some reason I hate that word “pleasant” but it feels appropriate. I’ve had some great conversations, some great friends and a few drinks. The last place I went tonight I had my weird experience of the evening when a drunk girl who sloshed her drink on my pants said, “You look like a girl who’d steal my boyfriend. Fuck you!”. I don’t even know what that means but then her boyfriend paid for a round of drinks for us so maybe…

But after a full weekend so far, I decided to take one of my cathartic drives that I’ve not taken in a while. I put my Spotify playlist on my favorite songs of the “right now” and sang like I didn’t know I was horrible, cranked the sound up to 35 (must be divisible by 5) and relished in the slight cool breeze that was flowing through the car. While these songs were playing I heard one that was a basic an anthem to how my life is feeling right now. And of course, here ya go…

But for part of the drive I was also thinking about this article I’d read earlier about a mother of three who had three jobs. She was at a Dollar General store and has just cashed her paycheck. She’s accidentally left the envelope on the counter after she paid and left the store. She went back later to see if it was still there and watched the surveillance video of the woman directly behind her putting the envelope in her purse. The story turned out warm and fuzzy when she threatened the woman on a Facebook post that went viral and some hours later the envelope had turned up in her mailbox but I was that moment. The moment you decide in your head to do something or not. To say something or not. That’s a pivotal moment.

Do you realize that in one moment your life could taken an entirely new direction based on the tiniest little decision that you make? If that woman behind her had just given her the envelope right then things would have been no different except maybe the woman who left it might have said an extra prayer for her kindness. Or maybe the woman decides to not give it back, gets arrested and goes to jail, loses her job and some other bad things occur just because of that one moment.

This is the reason that I believe in fate so much. I don’t always agree with it but it’s one tiny decision. What if I’d not gone to that party. Would I have ever met the new guy? What if I didn’t choose to leave a job because they drug tested and that wouldn’t have gotten me where I am today. What if I hadn’t said things that I’ve said in the past? What if I didn’t think there was a purpose for every encounter, every relationship, every word spoken or not spoken.

Bottom line is that I do believe those things. I believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be whether it be a place I like or not. For the first time, lately, in a very long time I’ve mentioned the word “regret” and it was only about one person and the truth is I still don’t like where we are at all. This place sucks. It feels like purgatory between heaven or hell. That might be a bit dramatic but that’s the truth of how it feels. However, it’s decision that I made that put me here right now. In this place. There’s a strength in knowing that. Just like there’s strength in knowing that if this is it, if this is our finally then his secrets are safe, his wrong doings are safe and if it ends in the right way then there will still be love. I will still refuse to say an unkind word about him to our friends and will always defend his choices. I’ll always be supportive if needed and I’ll know at the end of the day that I was everything that I could have been because he’s never said otherwise.

I don’t actually want things to end but I can not stay in purgatory any longer when I don’t have to. I’d sworn that I’d always be here if he needed but he doesn’t need or want anything from me and can’t even put words together on in a response so we’re back to, I’ve done what I can. There’s a whole world of people out there that appreciate just the importance of being me.

This would be that pivotal point where, if it truly mattered, I’d know it. Without a doubt. But since nothing has every gone as planned or as needed in this relationship I can focus on the relationships that do. I’ve learned that relationships are like plants or even pets. You can’t just feed them or water them when you want attention or because you just remembered they were there. You have to constantly take care of them. Maybe I’ll ask one of the relationships that he does care about one day, what she did right. Actually, I don’t care because it’s not about any body but the two of us and right now there’s not even two of us in this relationship.

Did I mention that I am a bit tipsy? Obviously I don’t want to keep talking about this but it’s my only vent. It worries me that I can’t not focus on this when there’s a potential new relationship that I could be focused on and I am, kind of. The problem is that the new guy doesn’t feel like home as much as THE friend used to. When it comes to men in my life I’ve, I guess, always had a grand checklist to make up for an empty feeling somewhere. With THE friend I never had that. I guess some would ignorantly call it basic but all I wanted from him was what I know he has the capacity to give. He then chose to give that small amount and much bigger amounts to others. That shows true colors right there. But I never believe them. I wonder if he actually will ever have the capacity to look back and wished he’d done things differently. Guess I’ll never know.

These were all the things that I thought about on my cathartic drive tonight. While listening to some great music and trying to figure MY shit out before I can no longer check the “single” box.

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June Challenge Day 2

1. Exercise – An hour today which I really didn’t think I could get through. I was so tired and have been for a couple days. Way to go hormones but my need to complete my exercise won out in the end.

2. Water – Today I find this challenge more ironic than anything because I’m in Houston and the one thing we are NOT lacking is water. But yes, I got all my water in today. I do hate having to pee ever hour on the hour but I have seen some good things already out of this.

3. Write about one physical feature that you love about yourself and why – I like my eyes the most. Eyes are the windows to the soul and, on a good day, I’ve been know to bat a few lashes and catch some attention. It’s not really something I’ve done lately but it’s there none-the-less. They are the perfect shape for shadowing. They are the perfect green color and they’ve seen things that are so beautiful. Apparently I blink a lot. I’m not really sure if that’s a good or bad thing or neither. I had someone tell me that years ago who I’d never spoken to before. We ended up randomly talking for hours that same day. So, I guess they catch attention when needed.

4. What technology are you grateful for? Anything that produces beautiful music and anything that allows me to hear that music. I’m sure with all the concerts that I’ve been to I’ll probably be grateful for hearing aids later but now it’s music.

5. What is your nickname and why? Princess is a nickname that I got stuck with a while ago and while it’s intent might seems like a bit of an insult it actually stems from being the only female at my job. And yes, I’d be the one with the scented candles and the lotions but it just kinda stuck. Actually I think it goes back to my ex somewhere but my work is where it became popular. My best friend calls me Sunshine, which also stemmed from my complete and total resistance to be in a good mood first thing in the morning. I call her moonshine. It’s disgustingly cute.

I’ve talked about this before but I adore nicknames as long as their cute or have some sort of emotional attachment. Some people I’ve nicknamed just because I felt the need. One of my oldest guy friends is called Asshat and our term of endearment is we both tell each other that we hate the other person. It’s our version of the “L word” without actually saying it. My boss was nicknamed the “wanna be rock star” because he still wears ripped jeans, rhinestone shirts and goes to the strangest concerts. And lastly, you know I couldn’t go this whole post without some sort of mention, THE friend was nicknamed CK a while back because he’s got one photo where he dressed as Clark Kent and looked amazing. I’m not sure he knows that and we don’t really have nicknames for each other when we’re together. That needs to change. I don’t like that.

So those are my challenges for today and I can’t tell you how excited I am that tomorrow is Friday. What I WANT to do this weekend is take a long nap Friday, go see a movie maybe try something new this weekend. What I’ll actually do is a mystery to me. I might actually TRY to be a productive member of society but I am supposed to go have lunch with my psychic, Shaman friend sometimes because she’s got some new amazing insight for me. I told her I didn’t want to hear anything else about THE friend and I because it was all false hope and I don’t need to hear that. Her response was, “We’ll see”. That doesn’t sound too promising but everything else she ever said came true but the one thing that I really wanted to come true. Life is funny that way isn’t it?

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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June Challenge time… and maybe some random thoughts.

May wasn’t a perfect month for my challenge but I’m ok with that. Since then I’ve been pinning the crap out of any “30 day challenge” that I find. I’ve told you my slight pinning addiction before right? Well, these are the things that I’ve come up with for June:

1. Exercise – This I’m going to try to do 30 minutes at minimum every day. On most days I don’t have a problem with this but when THE friend is here I just realize how much I want to lounge and spend time with him. However, if he wants this to be more of a roommate type of situation then I need to find the time to do my routines with him here or not. I did manage to do five times a week for a month so adding two more days won’t be much more. Since I’m not training for a marathon anytime soon who needs a rest day?

2. Water Intake – I’ve been feeling dehydrated for a while now and had the worst muscle spasm the other night. So I will be upping my water intake. Since it’s usually the only thing I drink aside from my morning cup of coffee I don’t think it SHOULD be hard but obviously it has been before.

These next three are ones that I’ve found online. The first is the “Love Yourself Challenge”, the second is the “30 days of Gratitude Challenge” and the fifth is the random “30 day Challenge”. Those are the three that I found on pinterest. So I’ll finish with those toward the bottom.

There’s a few reasons why these are so good for me. I get so caught up in work sometimes that I find myself making these random “to-do” lists before I go to sleep. This is why I need to knock myself out with some form of a sleep inducing something whether it be a tea, a pill or the sound of rain. I also feel like I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes for doing the things that make others feel better. I started to realize that it’s none of my business what others feel, just me.

You all know how I feel about those “seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day” to make you an emotionally healthy person. Well, maybe I can give some of those to myself. Not the kisses cause that would just be weird and probably the hugs too.

I guess, for now, this blog will become my hub for my monthly challenges because it’s turned out that my dating life isn’t really much to write about. Now, with that said, I’ve also decided that aside from the daily challenges I will also add five things to do within the month. My five things are:
– Do one thing I’ve never done before.
– Be more open and loving.
– Spend time with the ex at least twice.
– Take an online class for something that I want to learn.
– Donate another lot of clothes that I don’t wear anymore.

So those are just things that will randomly happen within the month. I will sum up my challenges today, so far.

1. Exercise – I did 41 minutes and I did not think that was going to happen. First, my trek home was impeded by a large fallen tree which blocked off my street then I got caught by the government census guy. But he was actually coo and invited me to a charity event on Saturday. That might be a thing I take the ex to because I don’t really like going to those things by myself.

2. Water – I’ve drank my appropriate water for the day and now I feel like a fish.

3. Write about yourself – include physical characteristics. Well, as most of you know I’m a British girl living in a Texas world. I was literally born inside of a pub. We moved to Saudi Arabia for a short time then to the states. I like my heritage. I don’t have an accent but I wish I did. However if I tried to I’d just sound like an even worse version of Madonna and no one wants that. My first passion is music. I work in a mans world and can hold my own. My sarcasm is salted throughout all my good deeds so I seem like a cold hard bitch. I’ve had some pretty shitty things happen in my life and they screwed me up for some time but I grew and I learned who I was and tried to use those experiences to improve myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m in love with a boy from my past that’s become my present and I can only hope that he’s part of my future but if it wasn’t for him I think this blog might be entirely different.

As for my physical characteristics I tell you about the parts of me that I like. I like my legs, my eyes and lips and I like my butt. Nothing about me will ever be perfect but I can appreciate things about me that have not only gotten the most compliments but that I like about myself. I also like that I’m tall and on a good day, I like my hair.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What smell are you grateful for today? The word smell to me has somewhat of a negative connotation after spending a few days with THE friend and his wicked gas. There was actually a moment while we were buried in a blanket on the couch and after he’d proceeded to rapid fire the after-shocks of what happens when he eats dairy that I accidentally dutch oven’ed myself trying to hid under the blanket for cover.

However, when I think of nice smells I think of vanilla, lavender and strawberries. I think of freshly washed sheets or towels. Vanilla, if you weren’t aware is an aphrodisiac smell and since it’s my favorite smell I try not to have those candles burning when THE friend is here because there’s really no reason for me to get more turned on when the payout is separate beds at the end of the night. I also really like the smell of fresh cilantro. At the top of all of that though is the Noel Vanilla bean candle from Bath and Bodyworks and Johnson’s baby bedtime lotion. I could live with those two smells for the rest of my life. Lastly though, and this might be gross but after THE friend has been here and if I’m feeling especially sad or something I like to sleep with the blanket that he’s used because it smells like him. Someone else just said it smelled like body odor but apparently I really am attracted to his pheromones.

5. Put your playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs that play and if you have any memories about them – this should be interesting I’ve got lots of weird things but I will not cheat.
1. New Years Day By: Abandon
2. Valerie Loves Me By: Material Issue
3. 503 By: Joshua Bell & Hans Zimmer
4. La Mer By: Nine Inch Nails – So many concerts and such great memories.
5. X Amount of Words By: Blue October – I was friends with Justin before they got big and we used to hang out at this coffee shop downtown. His songs remind me of a different time when I was a different person. That’s as far as I’ll take that memory for now.
6. Strange By: Tori Amos – Tori and the organizations that she supports got me through some really tough times in my life. Years later, it led me to offer my volunteer services to someone else to help them get through their worst moments of life as well. I will always remember that.
7. Over By: A Perfect Circle – A great concert in the rain right after a breakup.
8. Biting Down By: Lorde
9. Kissing You By: Nellee Hooper
10. Black Beauty By: Lan Del Rey

And those are my thoughts and challenges for today. I thank you for sticking by and indulging in my thoughts, words and memories. Some days I feel like I’m a broken record and then realize that this is me, right now. If you have any challenges you’re into let me know. I’d love to keep this up.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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