The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowing entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time. I a bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classical.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest lier.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.

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My mind in music tonight… Cause that’s all I got.

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The weekend so far and some insight… I guess.

Weekend has been good so far, pleasant. For some reason I hate that word “pleasant” but it feels appropriate. I’ve had some great conversations, some great friends and a few drinks. The last place I went tonight I had my weird experience of the evening when a drunk girl who sloshed her drink on my pants said, “You look like a girl who’d steal my boyfriend. Fuck you!”. I don’t even know what that means but then her boyfriend paid for a round of drinks for us so maybe…

But after a full weekend so far, I decided to take one of my cathartic drives that I’ve not taken in a while. I put my Spotify playlist on my favorite songs of the “right now” and sang like I didn’t know I was horrible, cranked the sound up to 35 (must be divisible by 5) and relished in the slight cool breeze that was flowing through the car. While these songs were playing I heard one that was a basic an anthem to how my life is feeling right now. And of course, here ya go…

But for part of the drive I was also thinking about this article I’d read earlier about a mother of three who had three jobs. She was at a Dollar General store and has just cashed her paycheck. She’s accidentally left the envelope on the counter after she paid and left the store. She went back later to see if it was still there and watched the surveillance video of the woman directly behind her putting the envelope in her purse. The story turned out warm and fuzzy when she threatened the woman on a Facebook post that went viral and some hours later the envelope had turned up in her mailbox but I was that moment. The moment you decide in your head to do something or not. To say something or not. That’s a pivotal moment.

Do you realize that in one moment your life could taken an entirely new direction based on the tiniest little decision that you make? If that woman behind her had just given her the envelope right then things would have been no different except maybe the woman who left it might have said an extra prayer for her kindness. Or maybe the woman decides to not give it back, gets arrested and goes to jail, loses her job and some other bad things occur just because of that one moment.

This is the reason that I believe in fate so much. I don’t always agree with it but it’s one tiny decision. What if I’d not gone to that party. Would I have ever met the new guy? What if I didn’t choose to leave a job because they drug tested and that wouldn’t have gotten me where I am today. What if I hadn’t said things that I’ve said in the past? What if I didn’t think there was a purpose for every encounter, every relationship, every word spoken or not spoken.

Bottom line is that I do believe those things. I believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be whether it be a place I like or not. For the first time, lately, in a very long time I’ve mentioned the word “regret” and it was only about one person and the truth is I still don’t like where we are at all. This place sucks. It feels like purgatory between heaven or hell. That might be a bit dramatic but that’s the truth of how it feels. However, it’s decision that I made that put me here right now. In this place. There’s a strength in knowing that. Just like there’s strength in knowing that if this is it, if this is our finally then his secrets are safe, his wrong doings are safe and if it ends in the right way then there will still be love. I will still refuse to say an unkind word about him to our friends and will always defend his choices. I’ll always be supportive if needed and I’ll know at the end of the day that I was everything that I could have been because he’s never said otherwise.

I don’t actually want things to end but I can not stay in purgatory any longer when I don’t have to. I’d sworn that I’d always be here if he needed but he doesn’t need or want anything from me and can’t even put words together on in a response so we’re back to, I’ve done what I can. There’s a whole world of people out there that appreciate just the importance of being me.

This would be that pivotal point where, if it truly mattered, I’d know it. Without a doubt. But since nothing has every gone as planned or as needed in this relationship I can focus on the relationships that do. I’ve learned that relationships are like plants or even pets. You can’t just feed them or water them when you want attention or because you just remembered they were there. You have to constantly take care of them. Maybe I’ll ask one of the relationships that he does care about one day, what she did right. Actually, I don’t care because it’s not about any body but the two of us and right now there’s not even two of us in this relationship.

Did I mention that I am a bit tipsy? Obviously I don’t want to keep talking about this but it’s my only vent. It worries me that I can’t not focus on this when there’s a potential new relationship that I could be focused on and I am, kind of. The problem is that the new guy doesn’t feel like home as much as THE friend used to. When it comes to men in my life I’ve, I guess, always had a grand checklist to make up for an empty feeling somewhere. With THE friend I never had that. I guess some would ignorantly call it basic but all I wanted from him was what I know he has the capacity to give. He then chose to give that small amount and much bigger amounts to others. That shows true colors right there. But I never believe them. I wonder if he actually will ever have the capacity to look back and wished he’d done things differently. Guess I’ll never know.

These were all the things that I thought about on my cathartic drive tonight. While listening to some great music and trying to figure MY shit out before I can no longer check the “single” box.

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June Challenge Day 2

1. Exercise – An hour today which I really didn’t think I could get through. I was so tired and have been for a couple days. Way to go hormones but my need to complete my exercise won out in the end.

2. Water – Today I find this challenge more ironic than anything because I’m in Houston and the one thing we are NOT lacking is water. But yes, I got all my water in today. I do hate having to pee ever hour on the hour but I have seen some good things already out of this.

3. Write about one physical feature that you love about yourself and why – I like my eyes the most. Eyes are the windows to the soul and, on a good day, I’ve been know to bat a few lashes and catch some attention. It’s not really something I’ve done lately but it’s there none-the-less. They are the perfect shape for shadowing. They are the perfect green color and they’ve seen things that are so beautiful. Apparently I blink a lot. I’m not really sure if that’s a good or bad thing or neither. I had someone tell me that years ago who I’d never spoken to before. We ended up randomly talking for hours that same day. So, I guess they catch attention when needed.

4. What technology are you grateful for? Anything that produces beautiful music and anything that allows me to hear that music. I’m sure with all the concerts that I’ve been to I’ll probably be grateful for hearing aids later but now it’s music.

5. What is your nickname and why? Princess is a nickname that I got stuck with a while ago and while it’s intent might seems like a bit of an insult it actually stems from being the only female at my job. And yes, I’d be the one with the scented candles and the lotions but it just kinda stuck. Actually I think it goes back to my ex somewhere but my work is where it became popular. My best friend calls me Sunshine, which also stemmed from my complete and total resistance to be in a good mood first thing in the morning. I call her moonshine. It’s disgustingly cute.

I’ve talked about this before but I adore nicknames as long as their cute or have some sort of emotional attachment. Some people I’ve nicknamed just because I felt the need. One of my oldest guy friends is called Asshat and our term of endearment is we both tell each other that we hate the other person. It’s our version of the “L word” without actually saying it. My boss was nicknamed the “wanna be rock star” because he still wears ripped jeans, rhinestone shirts and goes to the strangest concerts. And lastly, you know I couldn’t go this whole post without some sort of mention, THE friend was nicknamed CK a while back because he’s got one photo where he dressed as Clark Kent and looked amazing. I’m not sure he knows that and we don’t really have nicknames for each other when we’re together. That needs to change. I don’t like that.

So those are my challenges for today and I can’t tell you how excited I am that tomorrow is Friday. What I WANT to do this weekend is take a long nap Friday, go see a movie maybe try something new this weekend. What I’ll actually do is a mystery to me. I might actually TRY to be a productive member of society but I am supposed to go have lunch with my psychic, Shaman friend sometimes because she’s got some new amazing insight for me. I told her I didn’t want to hear anything else about THE friend and I because it was all false hope and I don’t need to hear that. Her response was, “We’ll see”. That doesn’t sound too promising but everything else she ever said came true but the one thing that I really wanted to come true. Life is funny that way isn’t it?

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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