Catching the lying…

I’ve been trying to write a poetic post for a few days now and it seems as though once I forget about it I finally get some incentive. My world, right now, is calm. Well, it’s calm for me. I’ve been going out, a lot. But I haven’t gone out with my friend with the Mister in a long while. She is, however, coming over for the long weekend on Sunday. What this means to me is that Friday night I will stay home, take a bath, meditate, do some yoga and “get ready” for her to invade my space, my zen, my home.

Seems drastic right? But she has this way of sucking all the air out in a room for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a sister but that doesn’t always mean we get along. I don’t remember the last time I’ve actually finished a story that I’ve started to tell her. There’s a lot of times we go out and I feel so small next to her. It is what it is.

Part of the reason she and I talk when we don’t see each other is because of her Mister though. This is where things get sticky. He was having issues at home and because of that he deleted all her contact information. BUT he still kept texting me. He’d told me all this stuff and after about a week he’d asked me for her info again. I sent it to him and they started talking again and he’s completely lied to her about a bunch of shit. Now, here’s where my vault of secrets is crammed. She’s telling me these things and I know they’re lies but he knows that she tells me stuff so WTF? The whole situation is exhausting and I don’t actually care anymore. That’s their drama to figure out but if I hear her say, one more time, “I’m done!” and not actually be done I’m moving… far, far away.

Moving on… I’ve been having this reoccurring dream lately. I’m pretty sure it has to do with whats going on around me but it’s intriguing. Add that to the fact that Sunday morning I received a “emergency text” from my Shaman friend who needed me to call her ASAP. This happened a few hours after the drummer and I had a decent phone conversation. So I assumed it had to do with that and it did. I never tell her anything, she’s a Shaman, she just knows shit. I actually had thought that I wouldn’t see or hear from the drummer again but he, surprisingly, called. As I literally just typed that my Shaman friend just texted me that he IS a good guy… Seriously? She knows everything!

I still don’t know about him though. It’s weird. We had a good conversation but nothing that hasn’t been said before. I could deal with our sexual tension just being that if we were friends. I’ve said before that my friends, I give the world to, my fucks get nothing. But one thing that sticks out to me is that one night, while we were both sober, he said something about me not getting enough attention and I replied with “Yeah, well you’re not that happy”. It was a joke of sorts but he’s got this look in his eyes that tells me he’s actually not happy. I really didn’t just pull that out of my ass. But my Shaman friend said this too. He made a joke about that being bullshit so who knows?

You know, the strange things in my life. I go out on dates and don’t write about them here because there’s no chemistry or connection. I see old boyfriends or FWBs and still don’t write about those things here because, again, there’s no connection but some guy, in some band that I am not even sure that I like yet and he gets space. My life is weird.

He has been in my dreams lately, which I hate. I try to not think about this guy and once I finally pass out at night my sub-conscious wants to think about him… This is bullshit. BUT in my dreams, which with him are mostly sexual, he comes over in a suit… There is nothing more sexy than a man in a black suit, white shirt, that’s just here for one reason. There’s usually not a lot of talking but a whole lot of sex. I’ve woken up from these needing to take a cold shower or two to actually start my day.

My friend was saying that she needed to “find a way” for the drummer and I to be alone soon. She wants to have her hands in everything. I think it’s because I told her I was done with the band and everything and she thinks if we start sleeping together then it’ll be incentive to keep going to their shows. She wants to send him all these messages and make up all these stories and I just told her, “Stop. He’s trying to be good. I’m not forcing anything. If it happens then it happens.” Truth is, I told him the other night that I’d never lie to him and I mean that which is more a friend thing that a fuck thing. But I also watch how she screws things up so I’d never tell her anything about anything. She thought the whole “biting my neck” was from me falling down until HE confessed. You all know here how private I am. She’d actually taken pictures of my neck to yell at him for not “taking care of me” that night.

I get so annoyed at myself for being such an intelligent woman and yet ONLY talking about boys on here and the oddest of boys too. I had a great time with my niece the other day and my uncle but don’t write about that. I had a decent date with a doctor the other night and don’t talk about that. I found out that an old friend had passed the other day… Didn’t write about that. I’m a mess and so are my priorities. Which is why, September, will be a month of me. I’ve decided to dedicate the entire month to myself. Working harder, working out harder, playing harder 🙂 … It’s all about doing things better, about forgetting everyone else for a while. It’ll be a nice change of pace. Fuck everyone else for a month, it’s all about me. It’s weird that I say that and don’t actually feel bad. I have been a nurture for so long to others that I’ve put myself last. I don’t mean any of that in a bad way I just need to decompress.

So those are my un-poetic, un-apologetic words for today. I guess I just needed to get something out there. xxx

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The Obscurities of Staying Happy…

It’s such a strange feeling to know that, because I am such a private person, I need to vent on this blog about my life but as soon as I do I know that things will change. Usually for the worse. I don’t know if that means that the universe finds out that I’m happy and then, like the flick of a finger throws out what was good or if someone is giving me “evil eye” through these pages and hoping that I don’t get to a happy place but either way I hate it.

I just recently put my words on here from last weekend. Truth is, it was a good weekend. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and was in control or so I thought. I’d felt guilty about messing around with someone who was married. That’s the truth but I also knew that their marriage had way more issues that me. This guy is a serial cheater. I knew that. I knew that there were no emotions except sexual and I knew that there was a connection. So, knowing all these things, I’d gone to see my Shaman friend the night before the full moon. I explained the situation to her and she read my cards.

There were a few revelations that came up. The first card she drew was the temptress card. I almost gave her a devil stare. She said, “Right now you are a temptress and are attracting men. Regardless if they are the ones your want or not it’s something about you.” This is not news but it still doesn’t make me understand it any better. Yes, I am in a place where, for some reason, men (usually the wrong ones) are attracted to me) but why? Is it because I say whatever I want and don’t really care who’s standing next to me? Is it because I have this, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about me? What about ME is making me a temptress because right now I DO NOT feel like one.

It’s weird, I’ve been hanging out a lot with my boss’s girlfriend as well lately and she said the same thing. She and I had gone to rent a truck a couple weeks ago and the driver, who didn’t even speak English, asked if he could take me out? “Um seriously, like you JUST meet me 2 minutes ago”. I replied in my best most terrible Spanish that I was taken but was flattered. Luckily, my boss’s girlfriend is fluent in Spanish and cleaned it up a bit. But then, she’d gone to one of the band shows with me a couple weeks ago and told me later that the chemistry between the drummer and I was noticeable. She said you could cut it with a knife. I told her then that it didn’t matter because I wasn’t going to sleep with him even though I’ve probably NEVER wanted to sleep with someone so much in my life, and this was ONLY because he’s married. I said this knowing that she’d slept with my boss for years while he was married but I don’t censor myself because of someone else’s history.

Moving on to this weekend. The band played on Friday. It would have been one whole week since the drummer and I had even spoken, touched or… with each other. I don’t reach out to him and he doesn’t reach out to me. I guess we just assume we’ll see each other. Actually, I assume if he even wanted to be friends outside of the gigs then he’d reach out to me. BUT I was nervous, excited and tired as hell. But I’d also had a lot of other things on my mind. I was in my head so much that night and my friend was in a bad place because of a ton of stuff going on in her life.

The drive was horrible. I pretty much told my friend that I was out of it and wouldn’t talk much and I didn’t except yelling at the terrible drivers that continually got in my way on our over an hour drive. Part of my drive was contemplative. I thought a lot about all the crazy things that the drummer had said the weekend before. We’d both been drinking but to be honest I don’t think either of us actually were impaired that night. We knew what we were doing.

That night started out harmlessly flirting but at the end of the night I seriously needed and WANTED to get away from my friend because she was wasted and attracting the attention of unwanted men and passing on the unwanted attention of other men to me. I repeatedly told numerous men that night that I was in a relationship just to get them to stop grabbing my ass, trying to blow in my ear and other really annoying things that men do when I DON’T want their attention. Anyway, so I went out back to wait for the crowd to die down and just happened to be waiting on his truck bumper… OK YES! I knew what I was doing. But he came out and we actually had a pretty good conversation. But it quickly turned sexual.

NONE of this was started by me and it hasn’t been any time this has happened. He has always initiated things. But some of the things he was saying were just erotic porn which was poetry to my ears. But the entire time he was speaking we were both dead locked into each others eyes. It was… extreme. I wasn’t looking away and he wasn’t looking away and I knew he wasn’t going to and he knew I wasn’t going to… It was a whole thing.

After about 45 minutes of this porn poetry, that’s when he went in for the kiss that almost never ended. Within minutes he’d found THAT spot on my neck… It’s a special spot that not too many men have found but since he did I asked him to bite me and leave a mark, and that’s why I’ve looked like someone throat punched me for a week now. Then things escalated to the point that I ALMOST was willing to let him take me in the parking lot of this bar. BUT, I’m a lady not a whore AND because I did tell him that I wouldn’t fuck him because he’s married. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THIS TOOK! We have sexual chemistry BUT that’s all.

Here’s where guys will say anything to get laid. At one point he’d asked if I lived alone so he could come over early in the morning, have sex, lay in bed naked all day and then have sex at night. That would be a great night IF he didn’t have to lie about where he was. Then I asked him if he was snipped and he said no he was loaded and that we could have a little Peruvian baby running around. WTF! “I’m sorry. What’s your last name again?” But to be honest with you, the words that he said that pissed me off the most were when he kept introducing me as his “really good friend”. Uh, no, no I’m not. MY really good friends are people that I see outside of a “work” setting. They are ones that I have real conversations with. My ‘really good friends’ are ones that I would give the world to. THAT’S the part that made me realize this is a guy that didn’t really give two shits about the girl on the other side of his face was.

So all these things are what I was thinking about on the drive to go see the band this Friday night. I’d had a work thing so I was more dressed up than normal but still looked cute, I thought. We get to the location and the parking was a mess so we flirted with a valet who worked for another restaurant and asked if he would take our car then bring it back when there was a spot open. He reluctantly agreed but since I’d dropped a 10 lb weight on my toe the day before I was already feeling pain which my 4 in heels made worse.

As we walked inside I saw the drummers truck out front and I got nervous again. WTF! Guys don’t make me nervous. We went in and grabbed a table closest to the band and I sat down while my friend went and finished applying her makeup in the bathroom. He walked passed and said, “I’m so mad at you”. Again, all I could say is WTF? Later he explained that he has been trying to be “good” and I “mind fucked him”. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, not only didn’t that happen, I will reiterate that I have never initiated things and I have ALWAYS stopped them. So, uh, where is my mind fuck? Regardless, it was a strange night. I hadn’t told my friend what had happened even though she basically figured it out when HE confessed about my neck. I thought I’d gotten away with it I made her believe that I’d fallen but that was his big mouth. Neither of us would really keep eye contact and we really didn’t speak that much at all. I was hoping things would have gone better than that but the night was fucked up aside from just “our” weirdness.

My friends Mister was being strange to her and in turn she decides to get pissed off at him and flirt with another guy. Then a guy from the week before shows up and he’s now in stalker territory. So, she didn’t want the guy from last weekend around so she asks the new guy she’s flirting with if he can act as if they’re together so the other guy gets the hint. She’s also doing all this all while her Mister is on stage and couldn’t care less but everyone knows that she’s married so she’s just looking desperate now. I’m tired of having to explain to people that “No, she really is a good person”. It’s not my job to reconstruct other peoples opinions of her. But as the night is dragging on, I’m getting more and more pissed because the drummer “blamed” last weekend on me?

By the time the bands set was over I was almost in a rage. You guys should know by now that it takes A LOT for me to get pissed but beyond that to be in a rage. I’d offered to drive the guitarist’s wife to her car because she’d had to park it far away but the moment she got out and I made sure her car started and she was safe I started yelling. I was yelling, then screaming, then just incoherent. “How dare you blame your infidelity on me. How dare you act as though I’m just some fucking whore now that YOU feel guilty about it you serial fucking cheater. How dare you claim that we’re such good friends and you treat me THAT way”. At one point my friend started talking about her Mister and I just fucking yelled, “Seriously, we’ve been talking about YOU for six months. Shut the fuck up and let me have five minutes”.

Just FYI, that’s NOT who I am. I am not someone who screams and yells and tells people to shut the fuck up. I am also NOT a stupid woman. But that’s who I was last night. You all also know that I am so blessed with the most amazing friends that would do anything for me if I was in need and asked and that I do that in return. I LOVE my friends and I don’t take calling or being called a friend lightly. So that’s why that pissed me off so much. I also realize that some of this anger is because I feel guilty. I know that if given the chance or the drummer just show up at my place I wouldn’t be able to say no because we have THAT much sexual chemistry but now I don’t even want to see him. I don’t want anything to do with him.

I liked our banter that one night back and forth. I think that he’s a brilliant musician. I like the chemistry between us both but that’s where it ends. I don’t know much about him except that we’re both Aquarius’s and we both read each other and know what the others going to do and say. Botton line is I always wanted a friendship from him and could have left all that sexual banter as just sexual tension that would have extinguished itself out one day but we don’t even have that chance any more. The difference between our mild flirtation being over and my friend and her Mister being over is that I won’t just go out and easily replace mine with just someone else. That’s not my style.

I’ll keep our/his secrets because that’s what I do but our short chapter is now closed. Too bad it only warranted a PG 13 rating but at least neither of us have to deal with the guilt any longer. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes strangers are just a season. Maybe we’ll meet in another life when we’re in different places than we are today.

I’m grateful for my quiet home tonight where I can reflect and move on. I’m grateful for my true friends that would NEVER let me down and know just how great of a friend I am. I am grateful for every experience I have because I know that I learn from everything. That’s what life is about, experiences and learning and enjoying while we’re all here.

xxx

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Relationship Status… It’s Complicated.

It really does seem like the theme of the year is relationships. Whether they be marriages, mother/daughter, in-law, friends… They’re all relationships and they’re all complicated. I wish there was a more poetic way to say this but relationships are just, sometimes, fucked up.

I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually had a “normal” relationship with anyone and that’s not a complaint. I like the weird, different and almost confusing. I’ve resigned myself to know that that’s how they’ll all be. I guess I’m not and have never been the 2.5 kids, white picket fence and a dog girl. Plus, I’m not sure that anyone has actually measured up to losing part of my freedom in order to combined myself into a “couple” anyway.

Of course, there might have been a few moments that I thought I’d be “that” girl but nope. Nothing ever came of it. Either they weren’t enough to keep my attention or I just didn’t feel “it”. Now, of course, I’m only speaking of romantic relationships right now. We’ll get to the others later.

So what’s going on “romantically” lately? Well, nothing of substance. There’s a lot of interest by men but nothing really returned by me. I’m going out a lot lately and I just don’t believe that you can meet the “love of your life” in a bar. I could be wrong though since I’m usually wrong about my own relationships but pretty spot on with others.

There is one guy… This one guy, I’ve said before that I’ve NEVER felt this sexually attracted to another human being. It’s a palpable. We had a pretty intense night the other night, almost a week ago and I’m still feeling it today. Here’s the thing though, he thinks he’s charming. He thinks that he’s basically “the shit” and all the traits that he THINKS he’s got me with are all the ones that I don’t like. But it’s that fucking connection… Damn those things. I’m constantly telling him he’s stupid, not because I think that he is but because he thinks that the fake shit is what’s working. It’s the few moments that he’s real. That’s what I’m attracted to is real, honest, and true.

We were having this moment when neither of us were looking away from each other for probably about an hour of direct eye contact while in this extremely sexual conversation about what he wanted to do to me. Each minute that passed we just became more and more sexually charged. Then, he went in for one of those “I have to have you now movie, grab your face and kiss you” moments. You all know that I LOVE those moments. Now, in the span of a few months we’ve had two of those.

I’ll be honest with you guys on here but would never tell him this… Since I’ve met him I’ve not had to watch porn once. It’s the craziest thing. I can’t explain what this is, well I can because it’s nothing. Sounds harsh right? But, and I explained this to my friend the other night, I’m tired of being in dead end relationships. That’s what this would be because he’s taken. So amongst the deep sexual attraction I’m feeling guilty. If I didn’t feel guilty about it I’d be an asshole though.

These are the reason’s that he’s not been to my home because I do not have enough will power at this point to say no to him. What we’ve already done has, well, lets just say left a lasting impression. But he’s not “the one”. He’s not even “the one right now”. I know that. There’s no romantic notions here so why even entertain the idea of this when there’s already an expiration date? I’m also assuming that “No” isn’t a word he hears much but if the situation comes up again I’ll just have to stick to my words that I’ve written here.

This is obviously not my most artful pieces of writing but it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. The complexities of relationships and how they come to be. I’m about to tell you something that he said, which I hope he was joking about but it had to do with having his baby. Yep, you read that right but we don’t know each other that well and so it was a joke but it got me thinking again about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life verses what I am doing with my life. Then I actually had the weirdest thought… If I’d gotten knocked up would it be the worst thing ever? Not by him but just in general. There’s still time. I suppose I could. I love kids and kids love me. Am I supposed to be a mom? I hate that questions but I ask it a lot.

I’m left thinking, all the time, if it’s supposed to happen it will. If I’m supposed to be at this job then I’ll be at that job or if I’m supposed to be with some guy then I will be. I have resigned to let the universe control all my outcomes lately. I don’t or try not to dwell. I try not to get upset or angry about situations that I can’t control and pretty much just “go with the flow” as much as possible. There’s way too many people in my life that can’t seem to control their emotions which in turn makes me want to just relax even more.

As far as the guy above, who knows, shit happens. I guess I can still never say never but trying to manage guilt, sexual attraction and exhaustion from everything above has me just wanting to crawl into bed somedays, with or without someone.

… and those are my thoughts tonight

xxx

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Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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Life Lessons In Unlikely Places…

Coming home from a pleasant evening with friends tonight and on the drive home I decided to play my “Sexy” playlist on Spotify. Regardless of how unsexy I must have looked dancing and singing in my car on the way home, at least I felt a bit. Then, once home, I started flipping through channels in hopes that something would grab my attention. I stopped on HBO and caught the last 30 minutes of the Magic Mike 2 movie.

I’m going to defend myself here. These were both so so stupid movies. However, those dance scenes where hypnotic. It’s also become a joke with m BFF and I and I’ll tell you a bit of the back story to this now.

When she and I both turned eighteen, we decided to venture into LaBare. Which, for those of you that don’t know, is a strip club for women. We were initially shocked at how insane these women got when the men came out and shook their asses. First, back then, there was no “Magic Mike” dance scenes so it was mostly just gyrating groins on these tall, tan, muscular slick stallions but we were never impressed. While almost all the women would jump up and clamor toward the stage at the first three seconds of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, we would just be sitting in our chairs and appreciating the music. We’d mostly make friends with the waiters which were almost always better looking so that we could drink before the law abiding age. Now, because we didn’t come off as these crazy females, we’d actually be pretty popular by the end of the night so we ended up making friends with the dancers and managers or whoever. Fast forward a few years and the business that I’m in made it very easy to be invited to a strip club, almost weekly whether it be a male or female one it never mattered.

During this time of frequent stops at these clubs it became such a common experience to show up around 1 am, drink a bit and end up hanging out with everyone till the sun came up. While doing this I soaked in the infinite stripper wisdom and let me tell you something, it was very worth while. Do you know how easy it became to have an actual conversation while sitting either on a man’s lap with only a “c–k sock” on or sitting next to a woman who was topless. After a while you become desensitized to someone actually trying to hit on you for the right reasons because the lessons I’ve learned from both Wall Street sales boys and strippers makes it very easy to just assume everyone is out to get something in their own best interest.

But, I can’t say that I didn’t use what I was taught. The first lesson was eye contact. This is so important for both men and women. But here’s what you do. There’s a point when you know the other person is looking at you, whiling staring at the floor you slowly raise your vision directly into theirs and don’t look away while having a tiny curl of your lip as if it was about to become a devious smile. Hold it as long as you can. I still do that when I’m flirting and it’s never failed.

The next lesson was the touching. All the magazines say you’re supposed to touch a man on his arm, or leg as much as possible to flirt with him or to let him know you’re interested but what they taught me was to take the ring finger on either hand and just lightly run it down a man’s arm, almost as soft as a whisper. That usually works too.

Lastly, was the whisper itself. Now, this goes for any man or woman and especially when someone does this to me. Oh Wow! I’ll go crazy. But you lean in, especially when your out at a club or bar and it’s loud, whisper something, anything, but make it so that your lips graze against their ear and they can feel your breath. Drives me crazy! Did I mention that?

There was a lot of other things they taught all by accident because it was really just me observing a lot but that would turn this post into a rate R so I’ll leave those for another night but I think being around that world and yes, it’s a world all on it’s own, got me so jaded about dating and sex and money. The things that would or should normally turn me on are not the things that do. I usually go for the opposite of what those strippers tried to do because they made it all so fake but humorous never-the-less.

Truth is though, lately, I’ve not really tried any of those tricks or any real type of romantic or sexual serenade. While I crave some sort of intimate human interaction and while it’s easy for me to pull a “booty call number” from my phone it’s all so immature and fake. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger but now i crave something different, something better.

I crave jazz on a Sunday afternoon and cuddling so good that it makes me not want to go to work the next morning. I want something more than a 20 minute bang and then I get up and leave. I want a man that makes me want to stay and makes me want to cook breakfast for him the next day.

My ex (that I work with) and I would do this thing where we’d go to bars and see who could get the most phone numbers from suitors. It was a joke to us. We’d do a lot of stupid shit which would probably make other partners jealous but to us it was fun. But there was this one night, after a strip club, that a guy I’d known had come to the table. I guess my ex got a bit jealous and out of no where he told the guy that we were married. Which we weren’t even close to but it was the first time that I’d seen jealousy in his eyes and it kinda turned me on a lot. There was this guy who was totally secure in almost every way and he was so unsure of himself that he felt like he needed to take ownership of property at that very moment. That was probably one of the best nights of sex for us.

But those are the weird things that turn me on. I don’t want obvious “this is on page 3 of my playbook” moves. Tell me something honest, true, cry about something real, blue, wear the color blue I don’t know why. Bare feet with jeans is so sexy, laughing, looking into my eyes but without the pretense of “hey lets f*ck”. Whisper something to me. Give me a hug that you mean, not a half ass, side hug. Music, music, music. Order for me at a restaurant. Take me somewhere that I’ve never been and surprise me. Give me something of yourself even just for a moment.

My life has certainly made it hard to trust and to date especially when I’m not looking for a “right now” It’s tough. So maybe strippers never really taught me anything but maybe they jaded and ruined me. They did help me read people which I’m pretty good at. They help me understand that attaining perfection is a lie and that appearances don’t matter as much. Do I want the 6ft 3in, dark and handsome guy who sold his soul a long time ago and can’t muster the car note he’s got on his souped up Jaguar even though he makes well over six figures a year? If I wanted that, I’d have had that a long time ago and I can promise you that I would have left that by now. I’d give up the numbers to all those guys for the right guy now who didn’t posses any of that. I’m just not sure I’ve even met him yet.

So long ago were the nights spent with exotic dancers till the sun rose and even though it was fun back then and there’s an occasional fun night out at a club these days where I get to practice my skills I have no desire to go back into that realm. Wow, that felt like a different life ago, a different body ago and just a much different time. I’m not sure if this is growing up or growing old. Man, the stories I could tell.

So that’s my story tonight about a life lived long ago. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. I’m doing nothing for the rest of this weekend, or that’s my plan of no plans.

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Inappropriate conversation day… with some randomness.

If you can think of the most inappropriate conversations you’ve ever had, multiply them by ten and that’s what’s happened today. Luckily, I’ve got some sick and twisted friends which are awesome. One of the most important things to me is that a friend be a bit off, have a sense of humor and be fun. Sure we can have serious talks but there is nothing better than the type of laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach and your cheeks hurt afterward. I have a bit of a twisted mind so anything goes. That’s the rule and there are no rules.

That’s probably another thing I should ad to my list for a man. If he can make me laugh, even just a little bit, he’s got me. I find it much easier to be the joke teller or the sarcastic responder than the one who someone can make laugh. It was always my goal at family gatherings to get my father or brother to laugh because that meant something was really funny.

Today was a nice break from my normal crapfest during tax season. It’s such a bland, boring yet important time of the year and I usually go a bit bat-shit crazy but not this year. I’m looking forward to so many things and focusing on those things instead of numbers, which is weird cause I’m a numbers gal. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friend tomorrow night. Looking forward to an evening at the spa on Friday night because I damn well deserve it. Then I’m looking forward to the weekend and not just because it’s Superbowl but because it should be a really fun time too.

The only problem I foresee is this. First, one of my app addiction is flipboard. It’s the only way I get my news nowadays. One of the article on there today was about how alcohol makes you horny… (such a stupid word). I suppose the adult version is “alcohol gets you excited”. This is such a bad thing. I’m already overly excited half the time (most of the time) now so with alcohol in me???? That’s just going to make it ever so hard. I’m attracted to my friend and he and I have gone down that path before so I might have to either not drink that much OR fib my way into disregarding my own personal safety and going home that night. He doesn’t want us there so I will not be the instigator.

The last thing I would want to do is make him feel awkward at this stage. He’s been great lately and while it wouldn’t change things for me, he might start to pull away after so there’s that. It’s only a small thing on my mind which I’ll file under “no need to worry about stuff that won’t happen” folder. However, it would be fun.

The one thing that I really need to focus on and soon is getting back into my fitness and healthy eating routine. Going out for a month long birthday celebrations has it’s drawbacks and I feel so unmotivated. It’s weird. I was doing so well toward the end of the year then people visiting and partying. I need to start going back to the gym immediately after work and preparing my meals ahead of time. For a while there, I wasn’t eating much, if anything, at all and had recently lost 12lbs by accident but I wasn’t complaining. If I could just do it the healthy way. This is why I need a personal trainer and chef. There was a time when I was almost at my goal and I felt great, looked good and realized that I really could do anything with the right motivation. Maybe I’ll pretend that I’ll be walking down the aisle in a few months and need to get into the most beautiful dress ever. I’ll have to put that one my vision board to see if that helps.

Well, that’s my random rambling tonight and now it’s back to numbers for a few hours. Hope you’re having a great week. More rambling to come, I’m sure.

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Exes and Sexes…

I was going through a memory box the other day that I’d had hidden and found an envelope that my ex’s mother had sent me. He’s the one who past away last year. Inside were some of his CD’s of concerts that we’d gone to. There were also some notes or letters that he’d written me that I guess he’d never expected to send. I get that. I do that myself but his were all nice and loving.

Sometimes, I think that I could never have been with him entirely because I didn’t deserve to be loved, not that greatly. That wasn’t the truth though. The truth was that we were never that compatible. We never fought or argued. There wasn’t any passion. I wouldn’t ever let him touch me in public. I believe that couples should argue, it’s part of passion and the fact that he was Spanish, I always assumed that he was suffocating himself and his emotions. I was more of the man in that relationship because I was just numb and didn’t care.

In the looks department though, he was absolutely my type. I like tall men but the truth is just under 6 foot is perfect for me. I’m a tall girl and standing eye to eye with a man (in boots) is kinda sexy. He had dark hair. These kind eyes that I would stare into and wonder what the hell he was doing in this loveless relationship with me. He had a nice body but chest hair which I do not find sexy.

He never met my family. I’d met his. He’d never met my best friend. I’d met his. He was barely ever at my home. We were always at his. He was so proper and a gentleman which is great sometimes but I also want a guy who has a hair out of place, has clothes with holes that he wears to do shit around the house in. I want a guy that doesn’t always have to be perfect.

He never knew my history. He never knew my favorite flower, color or what I’m scared of. We never had intimate conversations with secrets being spilled because I felt so comfortable. He wasn’t spontaneous. He wasn’t adventurous. He wasn’t ever loved, by me. That sounds harsh and cold but that wasn’t a secret. I told him the truth about how I felt, or didn’t feel and it didn’t matter. He saw something he wanted and thought he could have it. He was wrong.

The last conversation we’d had was pleasant. There were no hurt feelings and it ended the way it should have and from what his mom had said, he was happy. I was angry after I’d found out about his death because I felt like he’d wasted his time on being in love with me when he should have been making someone else happy that deserved him but I’m at peace with everything now. I believe in the domino effect and that everything still happens for a reason.

There’s also a reason why I still work with the first guy I was ever in love with. He knows me enough to know when to have a conversation with me about something and he gives good advice all while still looking out for my best interests as well. He’s happily married and I really like his wife so there’s nothing there and hasn’t been for a very long time. I actually remember the day I fell out of love with him because he was never my forever. But regardless, we work well together.

Some boyfriends or dates might be jealous about that but it doesn’t matter who the first love of your life is. It only matters who the last one is. This goes the same for relationships and sex, to me. It doesn’t matter about all the others. It only matters about the one your with right now. That’s why I don’t really ask too many questions about previous relationships. After each on, the slate is wiped clean and you get to start over. While everyone still has their “patterns” on what they do with dates, it’s all about the new experience with that person.

Do they worry about the intricate details? Do they take time to plan something special? Do they take into account your needs, wants or desires? When they touch you, is it a soft graze, a playful slap or a rough passionate pull? Do they anticipate the things that they secretly know you like? Do they look you in the eyes when they speak to you? Do they pull out the information they’re looking for? Are they a gentleman when they need to be but take control where they should?

For me, it’s always gone beyond holding a door open for a lady, putting the toilet seat down or pulling a chair out for me to sit. It’s about those small little things that I notice. Do they say “God bless you” after a sneeze? Do they wipe that tiny little eye lash from under your eye? Do they slowly kiss your cheek right above your lip, then pause and kiss you ever so tenderly on the lips?

Hmmm, so it seems I’ve gone off on a tangent and I’m really not sure why. I guess traveling down memory lane but imagining an entirely different memory is what’s going on. This whole thing started to let go of my ex, for good, which is why I burned his letters. Seems cold right? It’s actually cathartic for me. It’s symbolizes the finality of all of it for me. I’m finally of clear mind. This will only assure the next real relationship doesn’t come with relationship baggage from my side. I’ve never really been into bringing past relationships into new ones anyway.

I’ll leave you with two of MY favorite songs from the CD’s in his box. He hated them both but I always liked them.

Hope you’re off to a great weekend.

Couple dancing tango

Couple dancing tango