Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

The ups and downs of dating…

As ironic as this next statement will be for a blog about my “dating life” it’s true. I hate dating. I love meeting new people and getting to know them but when it comes to dating, I’m a mess. First, do you realize just how many “dates” I’ve been on and never even knew they were dates? Too many to count. Unless the guy is very specific and says, “Hey we’re going to go out on a date”. I just always assume it’s just dinner or drinks with a friend. At then end of the evening when the waiter asks if it’s on the same check I always say, “Uh, no mine is seperate.”

Most of this has to do with the fact that I hate innuendo. I need someone to be straight up and honest and say what he feels. I can read others when it has to do with others but the moment it has to do with me or my dating life I become completely stupid. I can’t really fault others for this because times have changed and people have changed and because I’m oblivious to things like feelings and emotions that someone else has for me, completely and totally oblivious. It’s a fault of mine I guess.

I remember one of the first real “dates” that I went on. I was 16 and he was a friend of my brothers and in college. I was in between high school boys so I thought I was the coolest. He had this night planned after he was going to pick me up at school. I was so nervous. I mean, I’d been with guys before but this was one of the first real actual dates with an older guy. This is also before I realized that having expectations was a dumb idea.

I’d gotten dressed up that morning in a great outfit. My makeup and hair were perfect (I thought) and I hadn’t eaten all day because I was so nervous. Then, after school I went to the front the wait for him and saw him driving up the wrong way in the pick up line and his car was smoking, like on fire. After he’d gotten the “fire” under control he took me to a very fancy restaurant where we had a decent conversation, where he kept ordering all this weird food and making me try a bite of everything.

After dinner he asked if we could go to one of his favorite spots. I said sure, I never had a curfew. At this point we just start driving… and driving… and driving. After what felt like forever we ended up at this tiny little house which sold antiques. It was weird but ok. We walked around this little store for a while then got back in the car and drove again forever. Then we end up at this overgrown field. He came to my side of the car, opened the door and took my hand. We started walking into this field and after walking about 10 minutes I looked at him and said, “Dude this is weird. If you’re going to kill me just get it over with.” He laughed except I’m not sure I was kidding.

When we were finally done walking we were at an abandoned airplane hangar. I was in very high heeled boots, a short suede skirt and a silk blouse and we were in an abandoned airplane hangar. WTF! Basically he’d taken me there to have wine in the middle of it and he told me the story as to why it meant so much to him and it was a sweet thought that he wanted me to go there with him. It was just a weird date to be one of my first.

After that there was a lot of older men that tried their hardest to do the normal dinner and a movie dates which I actually don’t like going to the movies. Then as I got older it was a lot of expensive restaurants, work dinners or charity galas. I’ve had some pretty amazing dates. But some of the most special ones are the outside of the box dates. I don’t like dinner and movie, I don’t even really like dinner that much. Going to a bar or a concert isn’t a great date, it’s a great hang but never a great date. It’s cheesy and shows no imagination.

I’m not even sure if I can remember the last actual date I’ve been on. I’m sure if I search this blog enough I’ll find it but I don’t like dating. I just want to find another human and be like, “Hey I can tolerate you for an extended period of time. Lets cohabitate a couple nights a week or every two weeks. Maybe every couple months take a weekend trip somewhere. Lets have fun and enjoy each other outside of this fucked up world we live in and not stress each other out. Lets have nights where we don’t even talk, but we listen to music or watch a movie at home with the lights out and just cuddle for a while. Let’s be each others escape for just a few hours a week.

We don’t have to announce it to anyone on face-snap-twit-gram so there’s no one to ruin our fun. Let’s just “be” with each other and embrace the time we spend together then go back to our own lives and if, after a couple years, we continue to not annoy each other maybe we can take it further. That’s what I want. I want easy, safe, fun, comfortable, blissful, no expectations, sexy, peaceful and enjoyable. It’s been so long since I’ve had that. I miss that. I do NOT look forward to being in the dating world at all. I’m not looking for someone to complete me but to compliment me. Is that so hard?

With all that being said and the fact that I’m feeling so stagnant in my world lately I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I still want to stay around Houston, I think but I went so far as to look for a small house on or close to the beach or a little closer to the city. I’m looking to be close enough to my clients to drive to them if needed but not close enough to get a text from my boss that says, “Put pants on, be there in five minutes”.

I looked into a small 2 or 3 bedroom house, townhome and condos. Haven’t really found anything I like yet but am actively looking or looking for something different anyway. I’m antsy. It might be the full moon or the retrograding planets or just the fact that I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I wonder if this feeling with ever go away?! I thought that writing again would help but it’s not, not really. I mean it’s making me remember things that I’d forgotten but sometimes it makes me lonely. It also could be that I just need sex. It’s times like this I wish that I was someone that could just jump into bed with anyone but that’s not me.

So now I’m officially just rambling. Hopefully I’ll be off to bed soon. Tomorrow is a day that I’ll be manifesting and setting my intentions for the full moon. Lets see if I can conjure up the man of my dreams. Hope you all had a great weekend. xXX

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Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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My continuation from yesterday, on a rainy day…

I realized that I never even got to the weirdness or drama of my life yesterday. Maybe that’s why I don’t write during the day. They say the artist’s time is at night. Not that I’m saying I’m an artist but the creative type… you get it.

So a couple weeks ago I started talking to my friend again. The one who’s husband I work with. We hadn’t really spoken in a while because I was over the drama. I was over being sucked into whatever was going on with her. I don’t actually remember why we started talking again but when we did a huge secret came out of her mouth. She’d told me that she was having a relationship with someone that knows her husband and is actually one of her brother-in-laws best friends.

This news didn’t surprise me from her but it reminded me of one thing that I’ll never do and have never done. I’ve never slept with anyone who was a friend of an ex. I think that is just one of the tackiest things to ever do. I would never sleep with a friend of an ex or current boyfriend or FWB, flirt with or do anything inappropriate with. That’s just a line I wouldn’t cross. Men are territorial. I respect that. Which brings me to my next thought…

I’ve been told on several occasions that I make an amazing friend and I’d make an amazing wife but I’m a terrible girlfriend. I don’t disagree with this statement and never have. Most guys that I date know that my friends come first and always will. I do anything for my friends. Boyfriends just never seem to keep my attention and I’m terrible at communication. I’m quiet and don’t really ever feel comfortable with public displays of affection and because I’m so secretive about who I’m dating, having any sort of relationship with or having feelings for it’s weird for the guy.

I’ve spoken about him before but I think one of my favorite FWB’s was this guy who was dominant. Not so dominant that he was controlling or maybe he was but in a good way. He would kind of take over everything. He knew what I liked. He’d either buy me or tell me what to wear. He’d order my food or drink and he’d just grab my hand in public knowing that I’d feel uncomfortable but he knew I needed that whether I wanted it or not. In the bedroom he was passionate but also dominant which is perfect too. We’re not talking “Fifty Shades of Shit” here. I don’t know it’s just something about being this professional business woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone during the day and at night I just let him take control.

The thing about that guy above was that he wasn’t in any of my other circles. He’d never met my friends, family or work. I’d go to his work dinners and we’d enjoy these fantastically expensive trips and dinners out. He was classy and sophisticated. I remember sitting listening to classical music laying on the couch one night and looking at him thinking that this was perfect for me until I realized he was always just going to be that. I liked how he treated me but he was strictly classical. If I’d started playing some Lamb of God’s or something he would have lost his shit. So, the great parts of what that relationship was and the great parts about him go into the “intention setting” jar with the best parts of others to find my perfect man.

The reason I bring that guy up is that at one of his work dinners I remember a client of his hitting on me. I was respectful but also quickly respectfully explained that I wouldn’t cross that line. I never told him it happened because there was never a need to. But it just brings up that there are certain “rules” or expectations that should be followed out of nothing more than kindness I guess. Whether you’re with a boyfriend, casually dating or FWB’s there are still “rules”. These are all the reasons why I’ve never made it to the “wife” title and because I’m apparently an enigma. Guys are so used to women being like my friend above that when a girl comes along that’s not like that they almost don’t believe it or they keep testing to see when the “crazy” will come out.

When the boys keep testing the waters to see when the crazy will come out, it’s just annoying and then I lose interest. All I can think is, “Look if you don’t believe that I’m who I say I am then I don’t need to be around you.”. I don’t have a vindictive side, a jealous side or even a cruel side. When someone hurts me I try to understand why they would instead of instantly flying into some emotional craze. I don’t actually know if that’s a flaw or a bonus but when you understand why someone is the way they are it makes me less likely to just disappear. It’s an empath thing I guess. I don’t know.

But now we move on to something that’s fun and kind of ties into the things about the guy above that I liked. The drummer has those qualities. He’s very dominant and I like that. But the other night he actually requested the outfit of the fantasy that I told you all about a couple months ago. I’ve never discussed this with him and was instantly turned on. It didn’t happen for my own reasons but all I can hope is that the opportunity comes up again.

He’s a weird one… I mean HE’S not weird but the way we interact is weird. He’s another one that appears to keep waiting for my crazy to come out. Men just don’t get that I don’t have that bullshit crazy about me that most women do. I have my crazy it’s just in a weird hippy spiritual way. My analytical and logical sides have always won over than my emotional side has. The emotional crazed bitch side of things would probably make it easy for most girls to get jealous or pissed off about all the women he’s with. But my logical side says, “This dudes been in a relationship for a long time. He NEEDS to treat dating like a buffet for a while.” Which is probably by I’m kept my feelings in check.

I’ve never really been one that “falls in love” with a FWB’s anyway. It’s like there’s a switch that can either get turned off or on. At the beginning of meeting someone I quickly assume “leave the switch on” or “keep that switch the fuck off”. I’ve never turned that “he may become more” switch on with him because he’s never been available so it’s still in that mode. However, his comments about how I’m going to fall or going to become emotional or whatever he says are just enforcing that the switch stays in the off position.

The exact type of relationship that I NEED and WANT is hard for guys to understand. Mostly because I don’t communicate it but even in my FWB’s things I need that intimacy. Yeah, I get it, I don’t say that much at all. But I secretly like the private moments of hand holding, caressing and kissing. I don’t need the “How was your day” text messages every day. I need the passion. I don’t need the “What do YOU want to do sweetheart” text messages. I need someone who says, “Be here at 8”. Then when I’m there I need music, and sarcasm and kisses and jokes and passion and sex and laughing and toying and more passion and respect and bonding and stories and hand holding and slow dancing and then when I go home I’m happy to fall asleep with those thoughts and not expect to wake up to a “Good morning beautiful” text message. I guess I need a private boyfriend but a public friend if that makes any sense.

As I said, I’m an enigma. I understand why I’m the perfect friend and wife but a terrible girlfriend. I’m fiercely loyal and understanding. These are the things that I know are great about me. I have my days when I feel like a horrible person for some reason but I know what’s great and amazing about me.

This post has gone on way too long and still not even touched on even more weird shit but I’m done for the day… Just typing my thoughts out so they’re out of my head for today. xXx

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The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

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Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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Last weekend was a drag, but my week was great…

Sunday was my GBF’s birthday and we decided to go, on Friday to a drag club. I thought it would be fun since I was doing a Keto/training reboot starting April 1st so I was going to go out with a bang. There was a pretty large group of us and half were drinking. Mix that with drag queens and yes, it was a blast. We also did a much tamer brunch on Sunday with his closest friends which was also great.

I’ve said this before but my friends become my family and I’ll do anything for them. This is especially true for my GBF since he gets to see my neurotic, compulsive weirdness more than most. I am blessed to have him in my life for sure.

Now, prior to Friday night my previous weekend was so much crap. I’d had numerous plans each day basically starting at 5 on Friday. I should have known that because I’d had a full calendar that nothing would go as planned and it didn’t. Now, this might have something to do with the insane amount of 12:34’s that I’ve been seeing. One interpretation of this is to simplify your life. Since then I’ve been going through my stuff to give, throw or put away. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate after losing your shit. But the point here is that that weekend I didn’t go out at all.

Usually by Monday, if I’ve not done anything over the weekend I feel deprived. This was no exception. Monday comes and goes and I’m starting to get into a funk. My mood is sad, or depressed or something. Something wasn’t sitting right in my soul. That’s when I decided it’s time to get back on the workout/eating right wagon which started yesterday.

Tuesday, well that was a little different. During the day I was getting so much work done to distract myself from how crappy I’d been feeling and just after 5 the drummer asked if I’d come over to his new place. I don’t think we’d seen each other since the night we’d sat in my car and listened to music. Even though I’d already had plans I canceled on them and decided to go over.

We went to a local bar of his first and had a few drinks then went and hung out at his place. It was a really good time. I won’t go into much detail but I still have bite marks on me from a week ago and strangely that’s exactly how I like it. BUT we actually talked a lot and listened to music as well. It’s actually kind of spooky that we’ve had similar situations in our lives. Most prolifically is our fathers and probably how we both feel about them now.

I’ll probably only admit this right now to you guys here but I’m kinda liking this guy. I have lots of fun when we’re together whether it is learning his history or listening to music or getting bitten. I still can’t tell what he’s thinking though, about us. I think that I must have reached my quota at one point by telling him that I don’t want to hear bullshit, only real shit because, I think, he said that nothing he’s ever said to me is bullshit. Now, the reason I say “I think” is because I’m wasn’t completely sober and neither was he which is another reason why I’m not convinced that what he says is real.

I am trying to be more open to whatever comes my way and I’m not “seeing” any one else but also not trying to be a stupid girl at the end of all this either. I’m living in the moment, having fun with him when I can and trying not to girl brain any situations at all. I’m realizing his faults or flaws and trying to be above them. I think that’s growth right?

We’ve almost know each other for a year now and in a year I can usually see and be annoyed by someone’s faults or flaws BUT I am choosing to be better than that. One thing that used to bother the crap out of me is the whole, “respond to a message” thing. I guess, because I use my phone for work which I work 24/7 I respond as quick as possible but others do not, or negate the message completely. It annoyed me in the beginning but I can acknowledge that as a flaw and move on or I can let it drive me crazy. At the end of the day I know he’s got a much more hectic life than I do and I’m not going to let it drive me crazy. On the same note one of the absolute BEST things about him is that he is NEVER on his phone when I’m with him. That’s so fucking awesome I can’t even explain it. I think that actually makes up for other.

I’m still pretty secretive about him though, mostly because I have no idea what we are. But also, and you guys know this, I don’t like to shout about my “ships” to anyone. It’s no one else’s business. But there’s also part of me that’s never really wanted everyone else to ask, “So where is this going?” especially because I don’t even know. My family is coming down here in just over a month and I know I’ll get the obligatory “Are you seeing anyone?” and most likely my answer will be no besides, he’s still newly single. He needs to go out there and experience what’s out there. While I wouldn’t mind seeing him more at all I’m not freaking out that we are not. See, this is so much growth.

I think I’ve said this before but that mouth of his… Wow. I could kiss him for days. I could even just sit next to him and listen to him talk and listen to music for days. I will say that there’s a lot of things that I’ve asked for in my intention settings that he checks off on those lists. I have yet to have the, “Oh by the way, I’m seriously fucked up about love, intimacy and my history is a cluster-fuck of horribly bad events” talk. It’s not that we’re close to having that talk but I think he’s getting some idea already.

As much as I look like a tense cat when someone tries to be intimate with me (by that I mean the hand holding, kissing, caressing and things like that) I like when he holds my hand, hugs me and I even like the things he says even though I can’t read where it registers on the bullshit meter yet. I would like to have an overnight stay soon though. I mean, it’s been me going to his part of the world till 4/5 in the morning then driving home and sleeping for a few hours before getting up to work again. While I don’t mind that I’d still like to see each other without having to rush to get anywhere or do anything.

Funnily enough, we joked about taking a trip together which, since we’ve not even had an overnight stay with each other seems far beyond reality but I wouldn’t care if we went camping, to the beach or even to Austin for a day or two. All I’m saying here is that I like what I’ve seen so far. I hope he does too but if he doesn’t I’m ok with that too. I’m open to him and yet still guarded enough to not get hurt down the line. I’m being smarter this time. Still turns me on more than any man has EVER.

Now, when we’re not together is when I get to spend my time working on myself. That part I like as well because I never feel better than when I’m eating right, working out and meditating for me. Pretty soon, I’ll look even better and will either be turning the others away even more so than I am now or I’ll be accepting those requests for dates. Depends on what April has to offer. Right now though, I’m happy. That’s what matters. The drummer is in this chapter in my life and I’m liking this book right now. I am also grateful for him tonight and am grateful that he saw something in me a year ago that made him want to “friend request” me on Facebook and real life.

Nite xXx

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