It’s been four days since I last blogged and told you all about the two men in my dating life right now. I was having a hard time figuring out which one I liked more. So in those four days I’ve met numerous other men that, for some reason, have been hitting on me like crazy. I don’t know what it is… Is it my perfume, my pheromones or some sort of vibe I’m putting out there. I have no idea but I know that I am no closer to picking either of them. As a matter of fact I’m less inclined to pick either of them.
I know. I seem like an asshole but It’s been a hard couple weeks, months due to some other situations going on around me and my loved ones. I’m having a hard time concentrating and finding joy lately. I mean, I find it in the little things like a song, a new piece of furniture or a sweet text from someone but it’s been such a long time since I’ve truly felt long term joy. Is that weird? Do most people find themselves joyful all the time? I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s situational, for me anyway.
So I’ve been talking to both of them a lot and I know that, in order to date someone, I need to know them. I need to be friends with them first. I’ve always been like that. I’ve always had the best relationships with men that I’ve been friends with first. In order for me to sleep with someone I need to have been dating them for a minute first. So, for me, the sex part seems like it’s going to be so far off. I think it has to do with the fact that I have to be comfortable with them first, hence the friends part, and then I have to feel safe.
To be honest with you all here, I don’t feel comfortable, safe or even that close to either of them yet. I thought that I’d feel some sort of connection by now. The one who’s in town is starting to feel like a sibling relationship and the one that’s out of town I’m not clicking with. I mean, he thinks we are but I don’t get excited when I get his messages anymore. I don’t feel that “flutter” in the top part of my stomach anymore. That was fast and like I said the other night, I’ve never felt like I needed to be passionately kissed by either one of them.
It’s twisted how easily I lose interest in men. If I’d been friends with them for a while first I’d feel more inclined to keep trying to connect on a deeper level with them but we weren’t. I am not trying to force anything either so I’m just fading away in their worlds by my own actions. They, technically, haven’t done anything wrong and in fact, most girls would be all over them. They say the right things. They’ve done the right things. It’s just me… I’m romantically anorexic.
Tonight, as I’m feeling sad that I can’t connect with them, or any man currently, I scroll through my Instagram feed on one of my many accounts and there it is. It’s an affirmation that states, “Don’t force it. If it’s real, it will happen.” and for some reason I’m instantly calmed. I’m just so affected by my surroundings and my moods that when I see something that speaks to me it feels like the universe trying to tell me something and there it is. Just in case you didn’t think I was crazy before, I feel like it spoke to my soul.
That happens a lot. I’ll be feeling something that I can’t describe and someone will post a song, or send me a song and it sums up my emotions right then or they’ll post something or one of my many positive affirmation feeds will just speak to me right then and I’m instantly calmed.
I try not to burden people around me with my woes, my bad moods or if I’m sad or not. In fact, it’s very very rare that I actually confide in anyone about my emotions. I just never want to seem like a burden or never want to admit out loud that I’m sad or upset or angry. So, I keep it all inside (most of the time) until I go to kickboxing class. I don’t drink my emotions, I don’t drug my emotions but my other outlet is here. I get them out here sometimes but I’m just in, yet another, weird place. It’s like the men that have been trying to be in any sort of relationship with me over the last couple years just aren’t syncing with my soul. That’s what I need is a soul-sync.
It’s not about looks, status or anything but that connection. If it was about looks, let me tell you… Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there was a gorgeous man shopping at the front of the store when I first walked in. He had this long hair, amazing body, tanned skin and young. He was young. When I first walked in he smiled and said hi. I gave him a halfass smile and said hi back. After a few isles he actually walked up to me and introduced himself. We chatted for a moment and he’d said something nice about how I looked and I replied that I was getting over a cold and looked like shit but thanked him anyway. He then said, “Absolutely not. You’re one of God’s children. You’re beautiful”. At that point I realized it was time to go because he might have been trying to kidnap me into a cult or something.
But that scenario made me think later. There was a gorgeous man who’d asked for my number and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. It’s not been and has never been about looks. I mean I have to be attracted to someone at first glance but there has to be more. A pretty face only goes so far. If you can’t rock my soul I have no space for you in my life.
Now, some people, men, friends would all say that I’m the polar opposite of most women out there. The people that truly know me know that to be true. I don’t force things. I don’t force friendships, relationships of any kind. If someone wants to be in my life then they will be unless they fuck it up and I leave it. If they are respectful and appreciative and, yes, if they try a little harder than me, then I will always be there for them. But once they’re in they realize that I am a pretty fucking amazing person to be friends with, let alone date. So, those two guys will probably be in my friend circle but I’m really not feeling anything else will happen.
I think what I’m looking for is to be friends with someone who I can laugh with so much and then, all of a sudden, one day we look at each other and I just know. I just know and he knows and bam, we’re both in love but we did that out of a friendship first. That’s an Aquarius trait mostly but it just makes sense. There’s no forcing, no weird dating, no expectations. You already know, trust, love, respect and support each other and now you do all that while realizing you’re in love with each other. I’ve heard it happens. That would be total truth and perfect for me. We shall see if I’ve thrown this out into the universe now if I’ll meet someone that I’ll be able to do that with.
That puts me right back to where I was which is single, horny as hell and disconnected to any man right now. I’m pretty used to this feeling at this point, hence the four engagement rings and never said yes to the dress. I swear that I do actually want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to settle for some asshole at this point in my life or someone that I’d just be complacent with. I hate stagnation. I dislike people that are stagnant and not looking ahead for their next new venture. I need a man with vision and dreams and I don’t even care if they seem too big or crazy. I just want to see someone who’s always trying to be better.
So, on that note, nothing has really changed. But I am going to be the meme queen tonight and post the five that really stood out to me right now. Hope you all are amazing. Nite xXx