Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowing entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time. I a bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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The New guy, the old guy and the in between…

First disclosure, I’m a bit tipsy… Totally unexpected. Second disclosure, it’s like 2:30/3:30 depending on whether or not you’ve changed your clocks.

This weekend has been chill. Nothing too crazy. I was going to relax knowing that the new guy would be home mid-week this week and I would probably not get much sleep. Last night was dinner with the friend that introduced me to the new guy. He could not stop telling me how much his friend has thanked him for introducing us. You know me, because I’m not a fan of discussing my private life I just smiled each time and moved the conversation somewhere else.

Today I was just going to relax, watch some TV but it ended up going to dinner, then shopping and then on a weird random “hair up my ass” I actually reached out to my ex. The one from months ago. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since he’d profusely professed his love for me but I got a random Facebook message that he missed my face. So, around 9:45, knowing he goes to bed early, I wasn’t sure he’d even respond. I asked what he was doing and blah blah we’d agreed to meet at a dive bar between him and me.

This is weird for a couple reasons. First, I’d said the other day how weird my dreams have been lately well the last one involved him keeping me hostage and THE friend coming and saving me in a truck. I don’t know what that was about but it had me thinking about the ex. Plus, I’m not an asshole and appreciated his honesty always so I truly wanted to see how he was.

I got there and we just started talking and catching up and the conversation flowed. It was good. But there was one point, a lull in the conversation when I checked out like I do so many times. He’d asked what I was thinking about and I said, do you really want to listen? He looked at me like a crazy person and said that regardless of whatever feelings he had he’s a friend first and of course he wanted to listen. I’m not sure at this point if it was the beer or what but I just vomited up some shit that had been floating in my head for a while about everything.

I talked about the new guy, THE friend and the reasons why I didn’t want to be with the ex. I told him things that I never thought I’d tell him and he was amazing. He was angry with me but amazing. He asked how the new guy treats me and I said amazingly. He’s so great. Probably better than I deserve. Then he’d asked how I felt he (the ex) has treated me and I said the same again. Then he’d asked how THE friend treats me and I said, “Absolutely no where close to what I deserve.”

I could see that that made him angry but he kept trying. He then said, then you know what you need to do. You have two great guys that are your friends that you just said were amazing to you why can’t you just leave that one behind that doesn’t.

At that point, I looked at him like a confused dog that just got his favorite toy taken away from it and said, “Because I love him”. I made that statement with such purpose it was as if he should have just known. It took him by surprise because in all the years the ex and I have known each other I’ve never said that to him. But then I got mad and said I know he does shitty things, doesn’t show up, doesn’t communicate, makes an entirely unsecret world of his more important than me or working on things. I know that I should have left a long time ago. I know that he intentionally does things that make me hurt and cry. I know that he treats me with as much faith, trust and love as a stray cat that just shit on his car, at times (way too descriptive there) and I know that deep down in my heart I deserve better and I know that I’ve excused away so many flaws and faults as just that when I knew the whole time that he CAN or COULD do better because he does for others….

In the middle of my angry rant, my ex stopped and said “Then why? Do you know how fucking amazing YOU are… When did this become ok?”. And maybe four or five beers and some shots in I said the most honest thing I could. I said “Because I’m stupid enough to believe that one day he’ll open his mouth and actually say the things that so many other men have no problem saying to me. Because one day I believed that he’d actually be brave and show me what I’ve felt for so long. Because one day I was stupid enough to believe that he’ll actually articulate something that I’ve needed to hear for so long that it will have made all this pain actually worth it.”

Then the ex said that he was happy at least that I knew what I am worth and that those things that I wanted above were just something I’d never get. He wasn’t happy that I’d never get them from THE friend but he was happy that I knew why. I also think that it made things a lot more clear as to why things didn’t worth out between us, (the ex and I). He then took my hand, leaned in and whispered in my ear “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. All I want to do is take you home and take care of you. Would you come.” I replied and told him that I wasn’t the girl who cried about one boy just to go home with another and forget about my problems for one night. I’m glad I’m not that girl.

We soon changed the topic and talked about other stuff for a couple hours until I found myself out of conversation. Especially out of conversation for something that I shouldn’t care about any more. So, after that and a long voicemail from the new guy I realized that there’s way too many important people in my life that don’t make me cry, don’t forget me, don’t leave me angry for hours because they forgot me and actually articulate the importance of being me.

Did it really just take an ex to tell me that I’m worth so much more than a Sunday night a month of no communication and no respect? Maybe the dream should have gone the other way. Maybe the ex should have been saving me from my prison of pain from THE friend because that’s what it felt like. I think I’m done feeling the fear that if I let him go I’ll never feel the good things again and I think that I am now ready, more than ever, to move on with the new guy. I may be tipsy but I call this a break through. I finally feel a little peace.

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Happy Halloween… with my rambling.

First, Happy Halloween. There was no party tonight only dinner out with friends. Halloween on a Monday kinda stinks. Not sure I would have been in the partying mood anyway. I think I’ve just had some sort of emotional hungover kind of day.

Luckily, I was the only one at work so I came and went as I pleased while listen to my music very loud. I feel like there was an appropriate mix of Rage Against the Machine and Social Distortion that I got to listen out my anger a bit. Music is my saving grace and my happy place. That’s probably why I’m not sure I want to make the new guy part of that just yet.

But speaking of the new guy, since I was at work alone today we talked on the phone for a while. He’s still in California and his stay just got extended for another week because of some crisis as his company. He told me all about it but my attention span was about 15 seconds which is longer than usual but not long enough to actually retain what he’d said.

I feel like the moment I said, in my head, “Okay, lets do this thing” with the new guy something happens so that we can’t get there. It would be different if there was another option and then the signs would make sense but there’s not so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I think I might have just found out that he doesn’t really want kids. It’s possible that if that is the case then it might not be a deal breaker but really?

This is what fate does to me… Give me a sexy, nice, smart guy with a hairless chest but he doesn’t want kids. Or give me someone that I can truly love completely and he doesn’t love me at all… You can understand why I get angry a lot about fate or at fate. Or I find a guy who likes kids but doesn’t really enjoy music. I really can’t win EVER! So, instead of a boyfriend, a kid or a dog… Right now I have a tiny little plant named blue.

So basically from this point on forward for the next two months it’s “holiday season”. I’m not so much a grinch as I am someone who just thinks that the whole point of the season is lost now. Not to mention that it’s usually done best with big families and I don’t have that.

I remember growing up I always wanted a big family that I could spend the holidays with but it was always just four of us. As we grew older it became the four of us and my brother and my closest friends. So I don’t have any family close to me, well 2 hour drive I guess is close but when our holiday comes it’s usually my drive to someone’s house to stay as little as I possibly can so I can be back home with my friends. Truth is it sucks that everyone’s coupled. So I just feel like I should be sitting at the kids table. It sucks to be single during the holidays…

I guess that’s my point which is another reason why I’m not so keen on starting something with the new guy. I’ve only ever asked one person if they’d like to come with me during my holiday chaos and that was… wait for it… THE friend and of course he said no but I was asking as a friend and nothing more. As I said our family’s holidays have always had our friends included and my brother likes him. He thinks he’s a good guy and wanted to hang out with him. What stupid ideas I have.

Well, I’ve got a little bit of time left for some cardio and then I’m off to bed. I’m going to leave you with my favorite Halloween song though… Enjoy.

The Final Finale of the Ex… and other things.

“Close your eyes. Imagine you wake up inside a box. The box is thick and leaves no room for movement. You’re stuck. The box is either too hot or too cold. It’s hard and unforgiving. It’s constricting. It’s claustrophobic. During the daylight you’re confined to see the world through cracks and at night you dream. You dream about being a child and running and jumping and playing only to wake up and remember that you’re living a nightmare and you feel like this will be your coffin. Now open you’re eyes and realize that your body is that boxed coffin.”

About a year ago, I started to write that above with the thought that my BFF would no longer be able to work due to her illness (multiple sclerosis). That she’d need a way to pay bills and thought about doing some sort of “Go Fund Me” page or something. She would have never let me, realistically because she’s too proud to ask for help. This is a commonality that we both share. However, this is either proud or stupid.

The way my brain works is that it shuts out everyone and pushes them all away when I feel like I might just need them the most. I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or if it’s to prove that they actually truly care. Sometimes I think that if they can break down my walls then they’re meant to be here and if they don’t or can’t then maybe they’re not. This past weekend was a fine example of all of that. There was bad news, after bad news, after bad situations that kept occurring and by the time Monday rolled around I’d decided that I was no longer going to answer my phone, check my mail or remove myself from my bed. Well, I made the mistake of moving and actually went to work. After the weekend of some bad news, a lot of pain physically and a small argument I decided that maybe work would be best to change my opinion of things.

That actually didn’t work and put me in bed the next day. All day. Avoiding everything that came my way. I did, however, come to the conclusion that the man that saves me from myself one day will probably be the one I’m meant to be with and the ex wasn’t cutting it at all.

It’s funny. My BFF and I have this movie that we watch all the time because it reminds us of each other. The Sweetest Thing. I am Christina Applegate and she is Cameron Diaz. In the movie Christina’s character says, “Don’t name the puppy” speaking of men. You’re not supposed to name them, that’s when things get serious. I find that I do the opposite though. I named the ex and now he’s is so far behind in the rear view mirror it was almost funny how fast it went.

He probably dodged a bullet, in my opinion. The truth is, he annoyed me. I knew it was happening the moment I wrote the last post. You can’t force fate, love or anything really. I suppose this might just mean that I won’t get any sort of ending at all, whether it be happy or not. His downfall was of no fault of his own. He was just being him and to me that’s not what I wanted in a forever. I could probably pick out three friends that I could see him with before me and that should have been a sign.

I haven’t seen him since his birthday and I won’t again. I think I get some sort of clarity when I’m just about to drift off to sleep. That’s when I tend to see things clearly and then again, reiterated in my dreams. There’s a sort of comfort that comes from having guest appearances in my dreams by people I’ve never met but somehow know.

Right now I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of wondering “What’s next”. I’m tired of being proved right about things that I wish I wasn’t right about. Do you know how hard it is to find a selfless man out there? Do you know how hard it is to find someone that can see past their own needs, wants and desires for just a few moments to understand that maybe, it’s time to actually pay back some kindness and not monetarily?

If I could teach my niece a few things about love I’d tell her this…

Don’t fall for the man who uses people like you use things.
Don’t fall for a man who doesn’t know your worth.
Don’t fall for a man who promises things and doesn’t deliver.
Don’t fall for a man that lies to you because you’ll never trust him again.
Don’t fall for a man who only wants sympathy and compassion but never gives it in return.

One of my most favorite quotes is from Bob Marley and to me, it goes both ways. Love isn’t easy and it takes work but the reason why you work so hard should be for the person not the benefits. I’m not suggesting that there’s a huge great love out there for everyone but there has to be better that what I’ve seen. I honestly don’t think that I ask too much at all and I won’t do with anything less.

I know my thoughts are jumbled and might not make sense but hopefully they will soon. Hopefully everything will make sense soon.

bob-marley-quotes

Showing Signs of Signs…?

So you all know how I feel about “signs” and destiny, karma and all that jazz right? Well, I’d asked for a sign the other night, feeling like I’ve reached my limit on my love life and today pops up a little message on my phone. “Dan’s Birthday”. He’s my ex. I didn’t look at that as a sign right then but I’ve not spoken to him in a while so I’d politely texted him a birthday message and his reply was, “Let me take you out for one drink tonight”. I begrudgingly said ok and then didn’t really think about things until I was on my way around four this afternoon.

When I got there, it was awkward at first. His hug was stiff and almost never-ending. I could tell he’d already had a few drinks from the smell on his breath. Okay, so this must be a weird thing for me but it’s a total turn-on when a man’s breath smells of spirits… His smelled like beer, but even so I still liked it. We’d sat and chatted for a bit. He asked about life, work and all things. I talked about work mostly and he said that he was jealous that I had a career, not that he wasn’t happy for me but that he wished he did something that he liked. I told him that I have my moments but I liked that he was inquisitive. I liked that he asked me questions and actually wanted to hear the answers.

Another thing that I like is that he had a no phones rule. He actually just leaves his phone at home when we go somewhere. That’s a nice change. So, I abide with his rules because it’s nice to have a conversation with full attention. We then left to go to a small friends bar down the road. While it’s a bar that I’ve taken a lot of dates to, it’s also a bar that I’ve taken a lot of friends too and they all seem to like it.

We walked in, sat at a 2 seated table with an intimate setting. I knew that probably wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. At first, with no phone to instantly distract from the initial awkwardness I could just feel his eyes burning through me. It was a strange but amazing feeling. There I as, sitting at the table with someone who truly is in love with me. Who loves my company and who tries everything in his power to make me share those feelings too and it’s a nice thing to have that. It’s been too long.

After just a few moments of weird, we began chatting about all things. Him more but I loosened up after a few infamous bar drinks. Then, at one point, he just looked at me and said that he could get lost in my eyes forever, that they were mystical. The yearning to hear compliments had become too much to resist his at that very moment. I didn’t even blush I just smiled and sighed as I knew where this was going but then I started thinking about things. I started thinking about just how much I need to hear the words, “I Love You” right now in my life. I started thinking about just how much I needed someone to treat me with respect and admiration and acknowledge that I wasn’t an appointment to be kept, an annoyance to deal with in order to get something needed from. I need to be loved in a way that I’ve either not had lately or I’ve pushed away previously and I needed that with someone who was honest and kind and compassionate.

Most of the things that I’ve asked for lately were sitting right in front of me right then. I had this strange “life flashing before me” moment and I quickly saw this picture of us in the future. We were sitting outside under a tree and he was playing his acoustic guitar and I was laying down next to him smiling. I saw this and I was confused whether that’s what I wanted, or if it was him I wanted or needed it with.

My mind is jumbled lately because I’ve not been getting the things in my life that are needed to be emotionally healthy. I need intimacy, sex and most of all love. I need it in such a way that I don’t have to question it. I don’t need it all the time, everyday but I do need it. That’s the part that I understand now. I also need a mature relationship. I need one that helps me grow, mature and be better than I was the day before. I need someone who supports me and still accepts me for who I am and encourages me to be someone I want to be in the future. But in the smallest, cheesiest way some days, I just need someone to give me a strong, firm hug and maybe hold my hand while I’m going through shitty things.

I understand now that the true and lasting love isn’t the one that knocks you on your ass and shakes you to the core. Sometimes, it’s the love that settles in a firm and mutually respectful place. It’s the love that’s honest and caring. It’s the one that will protect you, make you feel better and brush that hair from your face on a windy day. It’s doesn’t have to be the one that feels like it’s ripping out your guts. But what the hell do I know about love? Maybe nothing but I do know what I need.

So, is it him? I don’t know but I’m ready to find out I guess. I need to make sure that it’s not because he’s the only man standing in my corner right now. Once I figure that out I guess I’ll know for sure. I might just be about to start a new journey… We’ll see when the liquor filled smoke clears later.

I find myself too wired for sleep. We’ll see what kind of trouble I can get into until I sleep.

love