My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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The New guy, the old guy and the in between…

First disclosure, I’m a bit tipsy… Totally unexpected. Second disclosure, it’s like 2:30/3:30 depending on whether or not you’ve changed your clocks.

This weekend has been chill. Nothing too crazy. I was going to relax knowing that the new guy would be home mid-week this week and I would probably not get much sleep. Last night was dinner with the friend that introduced me to the new guy. He could not stop telling me how much his friend has thanked him for introducing us. You know me, because I’m not a fan of discussing my private life I just smiled each time and moved the conversation somewhere else.

Today I was just going to relax, watch some TV but it ended up going to dinner, then shopping and then on a weird random “hair up my ass” I actually reached out to my ex. The one from months ago. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since he’d profusely professed his love for me but I got a random Facebook message that he missed my face. So, around 9:45, knowing he goes to bed early, I wasn’t sure he’d even respond. I asked what he was doing and blah blah we’d agreed to meet at a dive bar between him and me.

This is weird for a couple reasons. First, I’d said the other day how weird my dreams have been lately well the last one involved him keeping me hostage and THE friend coming and saving me in a truck. I don’t know what that was about but it had me thinking about the ex. Plus, I’m not an asshole and appreciated his honesty always so I truly wanted to see how he was.

I got there and we just started talking and catching up and the conversation flowed. It was good. But there was one point, a lull in the conversation when I checked out like I do so many times. He’d asked what I was thinking about and I said, do you really want to listen? He looked at me like a crazy person and said that regardless of whatever feelings he had he’s a friend first and of course he wanted to listen. I’m not sure at this point if it was the beer or what but I just vomited up some shit that had been floating in my head for a while about everything.

I talked about the new guy, THE friend and the reasons why I didn’t want to be with the ex. I told him things that I never thought I’d tell him and he was amazing. He was angry with me but amazing. He asked how the new guy treats me and I said amazingly. He’s so great. Probably better than I deserve. Then he’d asked how I felt he (the ex) has treated me and I said the same again. Then he’d asked how THE friend treats me and I said, “Absolutely no where close to what I deserve.”

I could see that that made him angry but he kept trying. He then said, then you know what you need to do. You have two great guys that are your friends that you just said were amazing to you why can’t you just leave that one behind that doesn’t.

At that point, I looked at him like a confused dog that just got his favorite toy taken away from it and said, “Because I love him”. I made that statement with such purpose it was as if he should have just known. It took him by surprise because in all the years the ex and I have known each other I’ve never said that to him. But then I got mad and said I know he does shitty things, doesn’t show up, doesn’t communicate, makes an entirely unsecret world of his more important than me or working on things. I know that I should have left a long time ago. I know that he intentionally does things that make me hurt and cry. I know that he treats me with as much faith, trust and love as a stray cat that just shit on his car, at times (way too descriptive there) and I know that deep down in my heart I deserve better and I know that I’ve excused away so many flaws and faults as just that when I knew the whole time that he CAN or COULD do better because he does for others….

In the middle of my angry rant, my ex stopped and said “Then why? Do you know how fucking amazing YOU are… When did this become ok?”. And maybe four or five beers and some shots in I said the most honest thing I could. I said “Because I’m stupid enough to believe that one day he’ll open his mouth and actually say the things that so many other men have no problem saying to me. Because one day I believed that he’d actually be brave and show me what I’ve felt for so long. Because one day I was stupid enough to believe that he’ll actually articulate something that I’ve needed to hear for so long that it will have made all this pain actually worth it.”

Then the ex said that he was happy at least that I knew what I am worth and that those things that I wanted above were just something I’d never get. He wasn’t happy that I’d never get them from THE friend but he was happy that I knew why. I also think that it made things a lot more clear as to why things didn’t worth out between us, (the ex and I). He then took my hand, leaned in and whispered in my ear “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. All I want to do is take you home and take care of you. Would you come.” I replied and told him that I wasn’t the girl who cried about one boy just to go home with another and forget about my problems for one night. I’m glad I’m not that girl.

We soon changed the topic and talked about other stuff for a couple hours until I found myself out of conversation. Especially out of conversation for something that I shouldn’t care about any more. So, after that and a long voicemail from the new guy I realized that there’s way too many important people in my life that don’t make me cry, don’t forget me, don’t leave me angry for hours because they forgot me and actually articulate the importance of being me.

Did it really just take an ex to tell me that I’m worth so much more than a Sunday night a month of no communication and no respect? Maybe the dream should have gone the other way. Maybe the ex should have been saving me from my prison of pain from THE friend because that’s what it felt like. I think I’m done feeling the fear that if I let him go I’ll never feel the good things again and I think that I am now ready, more than ever, to move on with the new guy. I may be tipsy but I call this a break through. I finally feel a little peace.

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Happy Halloween… with my rambling.

First, Happy Halloween. There was no party tonight only dinner out with friends. Halloween on a Monday kinda stinks. Not sure I would have been in the partying mood anyway. I think I’ve just had some sort of emotional hungover kind of day.

Luckily, I was the only one at work so I came and went as I pleased while listen to my music very loud. I feel like there was an appropriate mix of Rage Against the Machine and Social Distortion that I got to listen out my anger a bit. Music is my saving grace and my happy place. That’s probably why I’m not sure I want to make the new guy part of that just yet.

But speaking of the new guy, since I was at work alone today we talked on the phone for a while. He’s still in California and his stay just got extended for another week because of some crisis as his company. He told me all about it but my attention span was about 15 seconds which is longer than usual but not long enough to actually retain what he’d said.

I feel like the moment I said, in my head, “Okay, lets do this thing” with the new guy something happens so that we can’t get there. It would be different if there was another option and then the signs would make sense but there’s not so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I think I might have just found out that he doesn’t really want kids. It’s possible that if that is the case then it might not be a deal breaker but really?

This is what fate does to me… Give me a sexy, nice, smart guy with a hairless chest but he doesn’t want kids. Or give me someone that I can truly love completely and he doesn’t love me at all… You can understand why I get angry a lot about fate or at fate. Or I find a guy who likes kids but doesn’t really enjoy music. I really can’t win EVER! So, instead of a boyfriend, a kid or a dog… Right now I have a tiny little plant named blue.

So basically from this point on forward for the next two months it’s “holiday season”. I’m not so much a grinch as I am someone who just thinks that the whole point of the season is lost now. Not to mention that it’s usually done best with big families and I don’t have that.

I remember growing up I always wanted a big family that I could spend the holidays with but it was always just four of us. As we grew older it became the four of us and my brother and my closest friends. So I don’t have any family close to me, well 2 hour drive I guess is close but when our holiday comes it’s usually my drive to someone’s house to stay as little as I possibly can so I can be back home with my friends. Truth is it sucks that everyone’s coupled. So I just feel like I should be sitting at the kids table. It sucks to be single during the holidays…

I guess that’s my point which is another reason why I’m not so keen on starting something with the new guy. I’ve only ever asked one person if they’d like to come with me during my holiday chaos and that was… wait for it… THE friend and of course he said no but I was asking as a friend and nothing more. As I said our family’s holidays have always had our friends included and my brother likes him. He thinks he’s a good guy and wanted to hang out with him. What stupid ideas I have.

Well, I’ve got a little bit of time left for some cardio and then I’m off to bed. I’m going to leave you with my favorite Halloween song though… Enjoy.

The Final Finale of the Ex… and other things.

“Close your eyes. Imagine you wake up inside a box. The box is thick and leaves no room for movement. You’re stuck. The box is either too hot or too cold. It’s hard and unforgiving. It’s constricting. It’s claustrophobic. During the daylight you’re confined to see the world through cracks and at night you dream. You dream about being a child and running and jumping and playing only to wake up and remember that you’re living a nightmare and you feel like this will be your coffin. Now open you’re eyes and realize that your body is that boxed coffin.”

About a year ago, I started to write that above with the thought that my BFF would no longer be able to work due to her illness (multiple sclerosis). That she’d need a way to pay bills and thought about doing some sort of “Go Fund Me” page or something. She would have never let me, realistically because she’s too proud to ask for help. This is a commonality that we both share. However, this is either proud or stupid.

The way my brain works is that it shuts out everyone and pushes them all away when I feel like I might just need them the most. I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or if it’s to prove that they actually truly care. Sometimes I think that if they can break down my walls then they’re meant to be here and if they don’t or can’t then maybe they’re not. This past weekend was a fine example of all of that. There was bad news, after bad news, after bad situations that kept occurring and by the time Monday rolled around I’d decided that I was no longer going to answer my phone, check my mail or remove myself from my bed. Well, I made the mistake of moving and actually went to work. After the weekend of some bad news, a lot of pain physically and a small argument I decided that maybe work would be best to change my opinion of things.

That actually didn’t work and put me in bed the next day. All day. Avoiding everything that came my way. I did, however, come to the conclusion that the man that saves me from myself one day will probably be the one I’m meant to be with and the ex wasn’t cutting it at all.

It’s funny. My BFF and I have this movie that we watch all the time because it reminds us of each other. The Sweetest Thing. I am Christina Applegate and she is Cameron Diaz. In the movie Christina’s character says, “Don’t name the puppy” speaking of men. You’re not supposed to name them, that’s when things get serious. I find that I do the opposite though. I named the ex and now he’s is so far behind in the rear view mirror it was almost funny how fast it went.

He probably dodged a bullet, in my opinion. The truth is, he annoyed me. I knew it was happening the moment I wrote the last post. You can’t force fate, love or anything really. I suppose this might just mean that I won’t get any sort of ending at all, whether it be happy or not. His downfall was of no fault of his own. He was just being him and to me that’s not what I wanted in a forever. I could probably pick out three friends that I could see him with before me and that should have been a sign.

I haven’t seen him since his birthday and I won’t again. I think I get some sort of clarity when I’m just about to drift off to sleep. That’s when I tend to see things clearly and then again, reiterated in my dreams. There’s a sort of comfort that comes from having guest appearances in my dreams by people I’ve never met but somehow know.

Right now I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of wondering “What’s next”. I’m tired of being proved right about things that I wish I wasn’t right about. Do you know how hard it is to find a selfless man out there? Do you know how hard it is to find someone that can see past their own needs, wants and desires for just a few moments to understand that maybe, it’s time to actually pay back some kindness and not monetarily?

If I could teach my niece a few things about love I’d tell her this…

Don’t fall for the man who uses people like you use things.
Don’t fall for a man who doesn’t know your worth.
Don’t fall for a man who promises things and doesn’t deliver.
Don’t fall for a man that lies to you because you’ll never trust him again.
Don’t fall for a man who only wants sympathy and compassion but never gives it in return.

One of my most favorite quotes is from Bob Marley and to me, it goes both ways. Love isn’t easy and it takes work but the reason why you work so hard should be for the person not the benefits. I’m not suggesting that there’s a huge great love out there for everyone but there has to be better that what I’ve seen. I honestly don’t think that I ask too much at all and I won’t do with anything less.

I know my thoughts are jumbled and might not make sense but hopefully they will soon. Hopefully everything will make sense soon.

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Showing Signs of Signs…?

So you all know how I feel about “signs” and destiny, karma and all that jazz right? Well, I’d asked for a sign the other night, feeling like I’ve reached my limit on my love life and today pops up a little message on my phone. “Dan’s Birthday”. He’s my ex. I didn’t look at that as a sign right then but I’ve not spoken to him in a while so I’d politely texted him a birthday message and his reply was, “Let me take you out for one drink tonight”. I begrudgingly said ok and then didn’t really think about things until I was on my way around four this afternoon.

When I got there, it was awkward at first. His hug was stiff and almost never-ending. I could tell he’d already had a few drinks from the smell on his breath. Okay, so this must be a weird thing for me but it’s a total turn-on when a man’s breath smells of spirits… His smelled like beer, but even so I still liked it. We’d sat and chatted for a bit. He asked about life, work and all things. I talked about work mostly and he said that he was jealous that I had a career, not that he wasn’t happy for me but that he wished he did something that he liked. I told him that I have my moments but I liked that he was inquisitive. I liked that he asked me questions and actually wanted to hear the answers.

Another thing that I like is that he had a no phones rule. He actually just leaves his phone at home when we go somewhere. That’s a nice change. So, I abide with his rules because it’s nice to have a conversation with full attention. We then left to go to a small friends bar down the road. While it’s a bar that I’ve taken a lot of dates to, it’s also a bar that I’ve taken a lot of friends too and they all seem to like it.

We walked in, sat at a 2 seated table with an intimate setting. I knew that probably wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. At first, with no phone to instantly distract from the initial awkwardness I could just feel his eyes burning through me. It was a strange but amazing feeling. There I as, sitting at the table with someone who truly is in love with me. Who loves my company and who tries everything in his power to make me share those feelings too and it’s a nice thing to have that. It’s been too long.

After just a few moments of weird, we began chatting about all things. Him more but I loosened up after a few infamous bar drinks. Then, at one point, he just looked at me and said that he could get lost in my eyes forever, that they were mystical. The yearning to hear compliments had become too much to resist his at that very moment. I didn’t even blush I just smiled and sighed as I knew where this was going but then I started thinking about things. I started thinking about just how much I need to hear the words, “I Love You” right now in my life. I started thinking about just how much I needed someone to treat me with respect and admiration and acknowledge that I wasn’t an appointment to be kept, an annoyance to deal with in order to get something needed from. I need to be loved in a way that I’ve either not had lately or I’ve pushed away previously and I needed that with someone who was honest and kind and compassionate.

Most of the things that I’ve asked for lately were sitting right in front of me right then. I had this strange “life flashing before me” moment and I quickly saw this picture of us in the future. We were sitting outside under a tree and he was playing his acoustic guitar and I was laying down next to him smiling. I saw this and I was confused whether that’s what I wanted, or if it was him I wanted or needed it with.

My mind is jumbled lately because I’ve not been getting the things in my life that are needed to be emotionally healthy. I need intimacy, sex and most of all love. I need it in such a way that I don’t have to question it. I don’t need it all the time, everyday but I do need it. That’s the part that I understand now. I also need a mature relationship. I need one that helps me grow, mature and be better than I was the day before. I need someone who supports me and still accepts me for who I am and encourages me to be someone I want to be in the future. But in the smallest, cheesiest way some days, I just need someone to give me a strong, firm hug and maybe hold my hand while I’m going through shitty things.

I understand now that the true and lasting love isn’t the one that knocks you on your ass and shakes you to the core. Sometimes, it’s the love that settles in a firm and mutually respectful place. It’s the love that’s honest and caring. It’s the one that will protect you, make you feel better and brush that hair from your face on a windy day. It’s doesn’t have to be the one that feels like it’s ripping out your guts. But what the hell do I know about love? Maybe nothing but I do know what I need.

So, is it him? I don’t know but I’m ready to find out I guess. I need to make sure that it’s not because he’s the only man standing in my corner right now. Once I figure that out I guess I’ll know for sure. I might just be about to start a new journey… We’ll see when the liquor filled smoke clears later.

I find myself too wired for sleep. We’ll see what kind of trouble I can get into until I sleep.

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Today is another stressful one…

From the moment I woke up slowly and got ready even slower I knew that today would be one of those days that would drag on. On those days there’s not a whole lot that can be done. When I did have a bit of down time I looked for another place to live.

I searched through townhomes, duplexes and small homes because, lets face it, there’s only one of me and I don’t need a lot of room. Then on a whim I started to look in other areas, then out of town, then other states. The appeal of staying here is less and less each day. Yes, granted, life is stressing me out right now and most of that has to do with work but I don’t really have anything to look forward to right now.

I don’t have any big plans, great relationships or surprises on the horizon. So maybe it is a time for new scenery? You know, one of these days I’m going to say that then actually do it. Once I stopped the “wishful thinking” about a relationship that was never going to happen it turns out that it just makes me focus on how completely stagnant I’ve become. Turns out that NOT thinking about “him” or the L word actually frees up a lot of time which now I don’t know what to do with myself.

I find myself looking up classes I can take, cooking, dancing, fitness or books I can read… I mean has anyone actually made it through War and Peace? When I’m in a decent dating relationship I don’t actually think about changing up my scenery so much. Maybe that’s what I need. The last time that I had a decent night out, with a decent guy that ended with a decent kiss was way too long ago.

I ended up blocking the mechanics number because he was just getting annoying which sucks because he’s a great mechanic. The ex is so far gone it’s unbelievable. Apparently it’s never a good thing to reply to “But I love you” with “Thank you”. Look, I’d say it in return when I truly meant it… Why actually say it if you don’t but I do long to hear those words, unlike before when they’d just freak me out.

You know what I really miss though? I miss a great date night, followed by a great night of sex, followed by breakfast in bed. I don’t even need fancy. I could do a drive-in movie, a cheap meal and pancakes… I’m not that picky.

My out-of-state friend even tried to set me up with a friend of his the other day after we’d been talking for a while. Apparently all these people around me have all these great men they want to set me up with right now but trust me when I say looking good on paper is usually never the case in real life. I will just continue to put my thoughts and energy into my amethyst and whoever comes along… Well, we’ll just have to see.

Those are my dating, fleeting, rambling thoughts tonight while I’m still in pain and already looking forward to Friday. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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There are two kinds of women in this world…

So this whole new world order at work isn’t really working out for anyone except my boss right now. He seems to be the one taking all the vacations, time off and coming in late. The remaining two of us, myself and my ex, that still work there are about to form a cou d’eta. But that all has me stressed out.

When I get this stressed I like to confide in my shaman friend (the psychic) because she always has wise words for me and we are friends plus it’s fun to play with her daughters. The last time we saw each other she’d asked how my love life was going. That’s her code for asking about “someone” not really my whole love life. I just kind of gave her a run down of the interested parties, which didn’t include the one she wanted it to. I think she was a bit sad. Not my fault HE’S not interested.

But as I was explaining about the few guys that were, I’d told her about the mechanic. She asked if he was a potential and so I let her read his texts. They basically started off nice but toward the end he was basically asking if I wanted to be FWB’s (friends with benefits). You see, a while back now (and I think I deleted it) but I’d written a post about how I came to have the name of this blog. Since it was either way too long ago or I deleted then I’ll tell the story again…

When I was young, like 12-14ish my parents owned video stores and in those stores they had regular blockbuster movies but they also had these tiny rooms in the back for the non-Disney lovers… Yes, I mean porn. All that was freely available in my home growing up. My parents never had “the talk” with my brother or I (Thank God!) about the birds and the bees but there was more than enough wrong education there anyway. Among these were some very close to X rated movies, basically called “soft-core” porn and I started to watch Red Shoe Diaries which made me interested in the director Zalman King which led me to Wild Orchid. This finally led me to Wild Orchid 2.

I will say this, I’ve watched that same movie recently and it will probably NEVER be as great as the first time but it stuck with me. The main star was this girl named Blue who was a whore. She’s sitting in the living room with a bunch of other women, also in the same profession, and one of them says, “There’s girls you marry and girls you fuck… Never the two shall meet”. Because of situations that I was put in I’d never felt like the girl you marry. I’d always felt the other. It wasn’t a pleasant place to find yourself in. Especially since it’s so far from the truth about me.

While I’ve dated a lot of men, the list of sexual partners is so much less than you could imagine. It bothered me for a long time when I’d meet a guy and all he wanted was sex or he was super nice until he’d realize that I wasn’t about to sleep with him. Most times we’d just turn into friends but it was always in the back of my mind. I even think for a while, in my 20’s I’d just resorted to feel as though I wouldn’t be the one thought of as a wife… Until I was. Then it kept happening and something in me realized that, “Hell yeah! I am good at this if I wanted to be”. Obviously the problem with that is that I never wanted to be wife material to the ones that wanted that.

But moving on back to my friend. When she was done reading the texts she’d said, “Okay, so I need you to do an exercise for me. I need you to write out on a sheet of paper the things you want in a husband or the traits you want to see in someone you’re dating”. Diligently, Friday night, I came late and decided I was in the right frame of mind to write this list. Of course you get to read it and here it is…

Kind, loving, strong yet vulnerable, fun, pampering, caring, religious, honest, looks out for me, asks me how my day was, is generous with words and emotions, spontaneous, thoughtful, passionate, likes to cuddle, is a good hugger and kisser, leaves sweet notes, takes care of me, sings, dances, notices the small things, surprises me, cries in front of me, tells me things that he’s not told anyone, someone who is straight-forward with their thoughts and feelings, shares his day freely, respectful, compassionate, likes music, imperfect, grateful… a beautiful soul.

No where in there was rich, handsome or perfect. I don’t need someone to financially take care of me, I’ve been doing that my whole life. I need someone to look out for my best interests. I want someone who will notice the little things that I do without me having to point them out. That list was actually a whole lot bigger than that but those are the important things.

I then gave her my list later in the weekend and she did some sort of prayer and blessing with an amethyst that she gave me and it’s supposed to bring this person to me, or in my life or something like that. What happened after that though was something unexpected. I finally just gave in to it all. I relaxed and I ended up having a nice weekend AND let loose a bit and became more… myself. I wasn’t this freakishly wound up girl who has all these expectations and it’s as if I really didn’t care anymore. Not that I didn’t “CARE” but more that I was just in the moment and not waiting for a moment to happen.

I get that all sounds strange but I really did just let go. It was a cathartic experience and one that I hope carries on. I just don’t want to be waiting for something to come along, something better, something more than what that exact moment has to offer. Because of all that I really did have a good weekend. If iPhones could capture a moment and not picture then I’d keep that feeling for future reference. But since it doesn’t I have a memory and a few photos that I will use to commemorate the better way of doing things right now. I can be happy with that and if a man chooses to show up, when I least expect it, and marks off most of those items then I’ll be happy and grateful to my shaman friend, or the universe.

So, my lesson for you today is to put your phones down, stop what you’re doing and appreciate the moment that you’re in right now. Appreciate the people that are in that moment with you. Just, pay attention to your life. It’s happening right now, right here, right in front of you.

I hope you all had a nice weekend as well. Enjoy your moments. To commemorate my weekend moments I leave one of my favorite things… Fireworks. I might not have had any fireworks lately but I will rejoice when the sparks fly.

FE-Heart-Fireworks