Song of the day: Sober By: Kelly Clarkson

It’s been a very long time since I’ve been drunk or even drank more than a few sips. I’ve never been a drinker. I was always into drugs so much more. I have an alcoholic in the family and it was just never really appealing to me.

I am also a bit of a control freak too so when I did drink I lost my inhibitions, as one does, and put myself in situations were I was going to say to much or do to much and I just never really liked that. Plus, in order for me to drink around someone I have to fully trust them, not drive after and be able to enjoy myself. I have nothing against drinking and don’t care if I’m around people that do but it’s been a very long time since I’ve let my guard down that much.

When I was younger it was the drugs that kept me coming back to the point where I knew if I didn’t stop they’d have a hold on me until life no longer held me. Back then though it was tough for me to care if life was still holding on or not. As I type this I don’t consider weed a drug so that was never a concern.

For me, my drug of choice was ecstasy and there was about a year straight a group of friends and I would do this every weekend. We’d either go to someone’s house that didn’t have parents, go to a hotel (usually really nice one’s too) or lastly if the other two weren’t an option we’d all just go to my parents home because they didn’t care what we did or didn’t know. We’d be listening to music and laying in the pool for hours. Be in our “game-room” with blacklight posters and a six foot black light or stupidly walking around the neighborhoods or driving to the beach. I actually don’t remember ever feeling as comfortable, open or loved than we all were back then.

None of those days are days that I regret. There are several occasions when those days are brought up in a very happy sense and the memories makes us all feel very nostalgic. However, I do often think that it’s amazing that all of us are still alive after the things we did.

There was this one night that four of us were doing x in my home when my parents were away somewhere and it was also around the same time I was attempting to sell pills. I remember taking the first pill with everyone else but the next memory I have is 24 hours later, waking up with five empty baggies around me and having no idea what had gone on for 24 hours. After a few days I realized what had happened. There’s that high that you get that nothing is wrong but it was when that part started fading that I took another and another and another and another because I was so desperate to stay in that happy place forever. Between that and an incident with my BFF that got me to stop all drugs.

My BFF was/is probably one of the most responsible people I’ve ever known. She would do the recreational drugs with us when she had time but works so much and didn’t realize that we’d started doing some heavier drugs. Until one day she decided to look at my Greencard in my wallet and dramatically a small baggie with white powder flung out with a tiny straw. She never actually said anything to me about it but it was the look on her face of massive disappointment that was the final nail in the coffin that made me stop completely. The date of the last hard drug I’ve ever done was December 24th, 2000.

I decided to tell this story tonight because one of my guy friends asked me on a picnic this weekend and he asked what it would take for me to have some wine. Internally, my first thought was, to be around someone that I trusted much more than I do with him. But I declined the entire invite even though a picnic sounds so amazing right now.

In fact, back in those drug-filled days, one of my favorite memories is going to this park by a friends house the day after we’d partied. The girls would all look like raccoons from the makeup the night before and the guys would be like drowned rats but we’d go to the park with guitars and smoke a little and play acoustic guitar and sing for hours. I miss those days a lot.

I can’t say I’ll never drink or do any drug again but I don’t need to because I’ve worked through a lot of the reasons why I was so heavily into drugs back then. Of course they were an escape from shit that had happened and childhood trauma. Since then I’ve learned how to handle those things in a healthy manner. I know that if I ever did any of that again it would be because I was with someone that I fully trusted and didn’t mind losing or giving up control for a while. To be honest, it’s probably about time I lose control for a bit soon.

So those are my thoughts tonight and my weekend plans are sorting out to be as I expected last weekend’s plans to be… Very boring with a lot of work. We shall see. I hope you all have a great weekend. xxx

Song of the day: Put A Little Love On Me By: Niall Horan

I had a really good weekend. I got to see a friend of mine that I’ve known since I was 10. He’s like my older brother. He and I have a great relationship and pretty much has just always gotten better. He’d been planning on coming here for a while but since he lives in Puerto Rico and his wife lives in Mexico it’s hard to get him to come to his original home sometimes.

It’s funny, I’ve always loved having conversations with him because he’s a lot like me as far as being very analytical and logical and not so much emotional and we talk about all kinds of stuff. But I still don’t talk to him much about my “love life”. Just never felt the need to even though he’d probably give me some great advice if I needed it.

I had actually planned on not doing anything over the weekend except work for a new client I had but at the last minute on Saturday, he called. I’d suggested we meet at this local bar I like to go to because I didn’t really feel like dressing up. So we me there and just chatted for hours about all the mutual people we know and how one of our mutual friends, who’s also another client of mine, is going through just a really dark time in his life with his family and we talked about how we could help him.

Towards the end of the night another friend of mine was there helping the staff and watching the live band. I had warned the friend I was with that his guy I also knew that was there has always had a little crush on me and could get a little handsy. Which I was right about but only warned my friend because he’s completely aware of my aversion to human touch. That guy is harmless though and I probably needed to be hugged anyway since you’re supposed to get 7 hugs, kisses or compliments a day to be emotionally healthy. Which I do not.

My friend and I have previously had conversations about how I am so intimately challenged. Let me explain. The sex part is so easy it’s almost as if it’s not even really considered intimacy and probably because who I choose to have sex with but it’s the other stuff… The stuff that I actually crave and have over the last several years more than I’ve ever craved before but have no idea how to ask for it nor initiate it. I’m talking about the hand holding, the hugging, the kisses on the forehead and the laying your head on someone’s shoulder because you feel like you can. I’ve never been good at that stuff. I think that’s why I can’t just have the casual sex anymore and have no desire to, right now anyway. Besides, that was never what was hard for me. It was the love part, the caring part, the sweet part.

I did go and see my Shaman friend a couple weeks ago and she asked what I wanted to know or do. I said I’m tired of looking for someone to love that loves me back so I just want to focus on self-love right now. So that’s what I did when I was there and since then at home. She even read my cards and said your soulmate is coming and he’ll show you by sending you a song. That was two weeks ago and no one has sent me a song for two weeks so there again I have no patience. I did have a guy that I do business with invite me to go stay with him in Chicago though but that’s not going to happen unless I get extremely bored with life and have no other options right now.

Lastly a weird thing happened yesterday afternoon, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet but it made me think about something for a very long time which in-turn made me have to login to social media for about two seconds and log back out today. While I have over a hundred notifications I have no desire to get back on there at all. I’m also not sure why the thing happened yesterday afternoon and I’m not sure I didn’t the right thing for my own mental health but we shall see. I’m going to visit another of my close friends this weekend out in the country because I need the stress knot in my shoulder to go away before I ask some random guy to give me a massage.

That’s all I have for now. I hope you’re all having a great week… xxx

Song of the day: Make It Rain By: Ed Sheeran

It needs to rain soon. The rain is so calming and I’ve had some really great moments in the rain. I’m in need of some really great moments right now. Truthfully, my life has been boring. I’m working all the time, barely going out and basically living in a hermit mode. I was even supposed to go out tonight but at the last minute decided to cancel.

I need some happy surprises. I need some fun! I need something amazing to happen that will shock some life back in to me. It’s been a few weeks since I saw some live music. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen some really close friends in town. It’s been longer than I care to remember since I’ve gotten all dressed up nice and gone somewhere. It’s been WAY too long since I’ve had a man just lay on top of me too. With my life being so boring there’s nothing for me to intrigue you all with. Not that that was ever my goal.

I was actually cooking dinner earlier and thinking of all the moments, great moments, that I’ve had in the rain while this song came on. I thought I’d come on here and talk about those but now I don’t even want too. I still haven’t logged on to my social media accounts in two weeks, I think. I feel good about it. I know that the latest FWB’s tried to get together through messenger but I just ignored it because I didn’t want to log in. I figure anyone that’s supposed to be in my life long term would know to text me on my phone anyway. Not that I’d ever told him that but I guess I’m not bothered enough to actually tell him.

I was going through an old phone the other day and came across pictures of THE guy from the night I first met him in 2018. It’s hard to believe that we’ve only known each other for four years but it feels like we’ve known each other for a lifetime. At least, I feel that way. I have no idea how he feels because we’ve not spoken in almost four months now, which feels like forever ago for me.

He and I had a moment during the rain once. We’d actually gotten into our first “disagreement” and it wasn’t really even that but what it thought me is that I suck at communication. I’ve never been good at it and we’d have been fine that night if I’d just opened my mouth and said something. But you all know that I tend to do all my eloquent speaking at the end of something instead of the beginning which is silly because, as far as work goes, I’m an excellent communicator. If it has to do with feelings or anything, I’m shit.

I’ve tried to do the releasing meditation twice in the last two weeks so I can try to stop dreaming about him. But that hasn’t helped. It’s like I’m cursed. I don’t talk about him to friends. I don’t internet stalk him or really stalk him. I delete photos and conversations with him and none of it works. In fact, the other weekend I’d gone to get my hair done and I was taking an old phone to a friend who was buying it. One my drive to my hair stylist I’d asked the universe for a sign of something that I need in my life or of somewhere I’m supposed to be or something that I’m supposed to do because I’ve been feeling so lost lately and this is what happens…

I get to the salon and “our song” is playing on their stereo. Then two more songs that mean something about us played after that. Just to be clear neither song would have played on the same station as they were different. While I’m waiting for my hair to processes is when I’m going to clearing the phone before deleting everything. There are his photos of the first and second times we’d spent together. I’d deleted all these photos 2 years ago and have no idea how, since they’re all on the cloud, they’d stayed on there.

I went through and decided to look at them one last time since it had been years since I’d looked and found several pictures that I’d taken of my friend who I’d gone there with but he was in the background staring at me. I found that interesting. That was the first night we’d kissed even though I had no intent on going there to find anyone. I was just there for my friend. I find it strange that he and I never took a photo together. I have none of the two of us which is actually better, for me anyway.

I don’t regret it happened and I’ll never regret meeting him. I’ve never met someone that I shared so many things with like music, emotions, history and someone that I would have spent a lifetime wanting to take care of and give him the love he deserves but that I’ve known for so little time. I swear it’s the weirdest, my beautiful and saddest thing in my life.

Well, on that note, I’m going to work some more and go to bed so that I can spend some time with a friend who’s like a brother to me that’s coming to town this weekend. Maybe I’ll have a decent story out of it for you all. That’s all. Hope you all have a great weekend. xxx

Song of the day: Patience By: Chris Cornell

We used to play this game when I was younger. A bunch of friends and I would go up to this old dam and get high. Once everyone was sufficiently baked they’d have me ask my “million dollar questions”. These were all questions that I’d either studied, heard about or made up that were able to tell me about that person by their answers. It was a whole psychological thing. One of the questions was, “If you could choose to share one emotion with someone else that you don’t think has enough of it, what would that be and to whom?”. I think that if I was to ask my GBF (gay best friend) what his answer would be, he would say, “I’d share my patience with you because you don’t have any.”

My GBF has more patience than anyone I’ve ever met. I lack more patience than anyone I’ve ever met. But as humans, do we actually come equipped with patience? I’m pretty sure it’s a learned skill which I was absent for that day. I HATE to wait for anything. I try to show up on time wherever I’m going. I can’t wait for my next relationship, except that I keep ignoring all the men in my life. If it’s 3 in the morning and I want something I go get it. I try to text back or answer someone as soon as possible unless I just don’t care about them. Lastly, I can’t wait for things to come out on a platform that I can “freely stream” something so I’ll usually end up buying it.

I’m aware that some of these things are good and others are not. But, honestly, it’s not just about having patience, it’s about having grace while waiting. While I’ve been told that I have grace or am graceful, I am NOT graceful while waiting for something. These are all reasons as to why I believe I’ve said no to four boys who asked for my “hand in marriage”. I never had the patience to wait to see if I would ever have feelings as strong as theirs.

I don’t regret that at all. Beside, I think that when you find someone that you’re instantly attracted to, can carry on a conversation with and you have chemistry and appreciation for the same things that there is no waiting. I’m not sure I believe that you can meet your right person at the wrong time. So, maybe, just maybe, I’ve not met him yet? Or I think I have and I’m full of shit.

Because I have such a deep love and appreciation for music I ask the universe for signs through songs. I’ve asked for several signs this week the same way and each gave me that answer that I wanted but also hated. I hated it because if it’s real… If the signs are true then all I have to have is patience.

That is all for tonight… xxx

Song of the day: Angels on the Moon By: Thriving Ivory

I love this song so much!

I’ve been completely off social media for a week or so now and while the “notifications” are driving me crazy I feel so much better. I’d truly delete it all if some of it wasn’t attached to businesses. I hope you’re all having a great weekend. That’s all I have for now.

Song of the day: Say Something By: A Great Big World (feat Christina Aguilera)

I’m actually having a rough night and I’m not sure why. I mean, I kind of know why…

I was having a conversation with this good friend of mine. We’ve known each other for a while and always flirt, harmlessly, in my opinion. But a couple years ago he’d gotten in a fight with his significant other and called me the next day. He told me his story of the night before. He’d said that he had gotten drunk with his friend and since my friend kept insisting that he drop him off at my house his really good friend decided to drive as far as he could in the opposite direction.

First, that’s a great friend because he knew that his friend was just drunk and shouldn’t do anything that would mess up his relationship. Second, we’d always innocently flirted but we had great conversations. I never took it to be more than what it was. However, something about this story bothered me for so many reasons. A couple weeks later it bothered me to the point that I had to ask him a few things.

My first question was “What about me said to you that I would be down for a cheating one night stand?” His reply was something along the lines of “Because you’re cool and easy to talk to and just don’t seem like you’re interested in anything more.” The other questions weren’t as important because I focused on that. After that conversation I asked one of my closest guy friends why he always wanted to sleep with me and his reply was basically the same. So something about me says that I’m cool enough to sleep with but not open enough for a relationship. I bring men in passionately but push them away with closed emotions.

This brings me back to the quote from one of my favorite movies, “There’s girls you fuck and there’s girl’s you marry and never the two shall meet”. I have never felt like more of that first girl than I have over the last few years and I’m so sick of it. I think if there was a way to die then be reborn as someone completely different the next time around, right now would be when I’d do that. I’m not ok tonight and I don’t really think I have been for months. I need something else to be said to me very soon because I can’t keep feeling like this.

2nd Song of the day: It’s Torture! By: My Jerusalem (Ed Harcourt Louchebag Remix)

It’s 10:30 at night and I’m just finishing working for a private client of mine. My eyeballs hurt. But I just received an email from someone who reads my blog and thought it might be fun to maybe answer some questions. First, some of you all are funny, some are mean and some of you… I’m not too sure about. But here ya go. Obviously I don’t do these much but it’s a collective of many so we’ll see how far I get tonight.

What was the first concert I ever went to?: The first concert I ever went to was Tori Amos with my best friend at the time and her older sister. I was/am a huge fan of hers and if you know anything about my childhood and you know the song Me and a Gun then you’ll understand.

Who knows about this blog?: My BFF knows that I wrote one but I never gave her the address. I used to read her some of the things I’d written but that was a long time ago. There might have been a few people I’ve told about it but only really in passing. There’s some really personal stuff on here that I really wouldn’t want anyone I know to read. I might show someone one day but I don’t know that anyone would really care.

What was I like as a kid?: I was a bleach blonde teenage gothic cheerleader that used to date the jocks and sit with the outcasts and musicians. On the weekends I’d go dancing at a goth/Emo club downtown in dark makeup and slutty outfits. I’ve had a weird life.

What did I want to be when I grew up?: When I was 14 I wrote a business plan for a cafe during the day and bar at night with poetry readings and live music and I guess that I still want to do that now. I come across a lot of people with funding and that have offered to help but I know that I couldn’t do it alone so I don’t right now. Maybe one day if I had some help.

What am I like in a relationship?: This one’s a weird question. I mean, I don’t really have what you’d consider normal relationships. They always turn out to be situationships. But when I’m truly IN a relationship I get better. I was watching this video about how couples who are comfortable with each other get chunkier and kind of grosser as the years pass. I was always the opposite. I want to be better for myself but also the person I’m dating. I want them to be proud of who I become each day, no matter how comfortable I am with them.

What do I do when I’m relaxing without music?: What I’d like to do is live somewhere that I felt safe and sit outside on the patio/backyard and read but that doesn’t happen much these days.

What advice would I give to someone who’s heartbroken?: Good question… First, I’d say to feel it. Second, is to heal from it before dating because the worst thing you can do is to take out your past on someone who didn’t break you. Third, help people along the way, every day if you can. Helping others helps you feel better. Lastly, if you have a bad day, just try to have a better one the next day. Also, don’t stalk their social, talk about them to their friends or complain about them or the situation because the more you do the more it’s a reality in your world.

Do I have any kids?: No I do not and yes I wanted them. For a long time in my life I didn’t because I felt like I’d fuck them up like I was as a kid. Then when I was with guys that wanted kids with me I didn’t want the men and didn’t think it would be fare to have kids just for the sake of having them. Now, I’ve missed my opportunity so I am just a great aunt and/or friend to my friends kids and my little niece who’s not so little anymore. I think I’ve said this before that I was told by every single palm or tarot reader that I was going to have three kids… Uh, no. No I’m not and that’s ok. Maybe I’ll get dogs instead.

What is my greatest strength and weakness?: My greatest strength is my capacity to love. I hope that’s my humans strength. My greatest weakness in my inability to actually fall in love with the right people. Maybe that’s not a great way to put that but I do choose to love the one’s that don’t reciprocate and can’t seem to fall for the ones that love me. It’s a curse I guess.

That’s all I have tonight. If I didn’t get to yours then maybe another night… xxx

Song of the day: Ashes And Wine By: A Fine Frenzy

I was watching this tarot reader earlier and she said that people should use today to forgive someone in their life. That’s great advice except that I literally sat there and thought about it and I have forgiven everyone that I’ve ever had an issue with. I tend to index my feelings and emotions pretty quickly, after they happen, and do that because I’ve seen and felt what it’s like to harbor feelings of anger, resentment and sadness. You can literally hurt your own body if you keep these in.

I had to teach myself how to do that but at the end of the day I’ve just learned that this is so much better. The next time you have a neck ache or backache search for what emotion that has to do with because so many of us internalize this shit and shouldn’t. It’s like the phrase, “It’s like drinking poison and thinking you’re killing someone else.” That’s so true (so completely paraphrased but you get it). That doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to feel emotions because that comes naturally. But it does mean that they don’t stay inside you and fester.

I don’t always have a sunny disposition and I’m not always “welcoming” unless I truly know someone. Even then I’ve been said to still be distant and unemotional. Some of that is very true, actually most of it. But it’s the person that I am with the people that I hold dearest to me that I care about. To my clients and acquaintances I’m respectful and kind but to those few people in my life that I couldn’t imagine not knowing, even if we’ve not spoken in a while, I would do anything for them and am a different kind of person.

I bring this up today because over the last few days I’ve been told about conversations about me when I wasn’t around and am super flattered. It’s weird to know that someone cares about you but to really KNOW this by what’s being said behind closed doors is amazing. It’s kind of like my BFF and me, even though we’ve not seen each other in five years and we’ve gone through some shit I will NEVER not refer to her as my BFF. I just won’t. The guy I have feelings for that I probably won’t speak to or see again I still recommend his band and speak very highly of him, which I won’t do for anyone else even though I’m friends with a shitload of musicians in bands.

My love language is in the stories I tell of others and being able to help them even when they’ll never know. I’m also a “gift-giver” because it’s easier for me to buy a concert ticket than to tell someone that I love them or to take them to a nice dinner or something. My favorite thing to do, though, is to just sit with someone and listen to them for as long as they need me to with or without speaking (depending on what they need) because so many people don’t truly get to say what they feel or actually have someone in their life that listens to them without judgement and most people don’t have people in their life that won’t just turn around and tell someone else what they’ve just said. My personal secret vault overflows sometimes with other peoples secrets and I’m ok with that because that’s part of who I am.

I have a lot of days that I wake up and I feel, not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough and not loved enough… This week, so far, I feel that love from some of the people around me and that’s a great feeling, especially since I’ve been hibernating this week and needing it.

I hope you all are feeling loved today. xxx

Song of the day: Care By: Robot Koch (feat Julien Marchal)

I know that a lot of my songs seem sad or depressing but not all of them are. A lot of them remind me of people I’ve known and to remember them isn’t sad. Some of them remind me of a time that was really great and that’s not depressing. Not all sad songs are sad for me. However, I’ve said this before, most girls have “cry movies” that they watch… I’ve got “cry songs” or songs that make me feel happy if I’m not, songs that make me feel frisky or just nostalgic songs.

I’ve also got different groups of friends. Some of them don’t really like music which I’ve never understood and then there’s this group of people that not only listen to music but they understand it the same way I do. Those are some of the most rare friends that I never want to lose. BUT the best people in my entire life are not only the friends that understand it but also the ones that listen to some of the same weird shit as I do or at the very least take the time to listen to songs with me.

I’ve had two instances with men that I’ve known that I was (in some way) romantically involved with that knew 2 very rare songs that I did. I think that made me love one even more and appreciate the other even more. It’s just so rare. If I ever actually get married it will be to someone who appreciates music as much as I do. I’ve said before that some of my best “dates” were just sitting listening to music. I have never needed flowers, dinners, jewelry or even a card. Give me a playlist or mix CD any day.

I had a nice chat with a friend of mine the other day that was a musician and he said he gave it up because his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. He only told me because he already knew what I’d say, which I did. “One of the worst things you can do as a musician is to stop playing because of someone else.” I would never ask that of someone I’m with nor should I. That’s no different than telling a painter to stop painting or a poet to stop writing. These are beautiful people in this world who are amazing at being musicians why would anyone ever make them stop. I want the people that I know now to still be playing, at least for themselves until the day they die.

I think about some of the saddest songs in history, or some of the most hardcore songs… I always ask myself, “If that person didn’t have music as an outlet would they even still be here?” I think some of the greatest songs were created by people that had so many emotions that others could relate to that they made music that actually saved other peoples lives. How amazing is that?

So that’s what I’m thinking about right now… xxx

Song of the day: The Only Constant Is Change By: BT

This song is off one of my favorite albums EVER! There is something about BT’s songs that just make me feel good. I love listening to him on a sunny day driving around town.

As much as I believe that the only constant IS change, there’s also just some things that I’ll never change. This weekend I was hanging out with one of my oldest girl friends and each time we go anywhere I’m there to spend time with her and to catch up. This means that when guys come over to us I don’t entertain them at all. I never have. I’m not looking for anyone right now and I don’t really want to speak with a drunk dude who’s looking just for a hookup anyway. My friend, however, needs the attention I guess.

This weekend was no different. Pretty much every female I spend time with adores the attention they get from men and some days I’m ok with it but most of the time I just don’t want anything to do with it. So as we’re sitting inside our local bar catching up I saw this guy in a bright red shirt walk by and try to stare me down with what I’m sure he thought were sultry eyes. I ignored it and we finished chatting. I had another friend there, a guy who’s sweet and who always buys drinks for everyone but he was outside enjoying the band. After a while we decided to go outside.

At this point I was dancing with my male friend and my girl friend had struck up a conversation with a friend of the guy in the red shirt. He tried to introduce himself to me and I’m sure I seemed bitchy since she told me later that he’d said, “I think your friend hates me”. I don’t “hate” anyone but I also don’t entertain boys buying drinks either to get laid. When I go out I just want to spend time with who I’m with and listen to music. Apparently that’s hard to do these days.

I am used to this thought because almost every time I got out with a female this happens. Are women that attention starved? I mean I get it. There’s days I feel invisible but I don’t seek my worth through others. This has to come from within. I am especially not going to entertain this if I’m at a bar with friends, FWB’s or really anyone because I want my attention to be focused on that person or people that I’m with. These are probably more reasons why I’m still single. Maybe it’s me… Maybe I’m the weird one.

Just because I feel alone sometimes doesn’t mean that I’ll be with someone just so the other side of the bed isn’t cold and trust me when I say that I miss being comfortable with someone in my space and enjoying intimacy but I refuse to just find it anywhere.

Those are my thoughts right now. Enjoy the song and if you’re bored you should read up about BT… He has a very interesting story. xxx