Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

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My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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The weekend so far and some insight… I guess.

Weekend has been good so far, pleasant. For some reason I hate that word “pleasant” but it feels appropriate. I’ve had some great conversations, some great friends and a few drinks. The last place I went tonight I had my weird experience of the evening when a drunk girl who sloshed her drink on my pants said, “You look like a girl who’d steal my boyfriend. Fuck you!”. I don’t even know what that means but then her boyfriend paid for a round of drinks for us so maybe…

But after a full weekend so far, I decided to take one of my cathartic drives that I’ve not taken in a while. I put my Spotify playlist on my favorite songs of the “right now” and sang like I didn’t know I was horrible, cranked the sound up to 35 (must be divisible by 5) and relished in the slight cool breeze that was flowing through the car. While these songs were playing I heard one that was a basic an anthem to how my life is feeling right now. And of course, here ya go…

But for part of the drive I was also thinking about this article I’d read earlier about a mother of three who had three jobs. She was at a Dollar General store and has just cashed her paycheck. She’s accidentally left the envelope on the counter after she paid and left the store. She went back later to see if it was still there and watched the surveillance video of the woman directly behind her putting the envelope in her purse. The story turned out warm and fuzzy when she threatened the woman on a Facebook post that went viral and some hours later the envelope had turned up in her mailbox but I was that moment. The moment you decide in your head to do something or not. To say something or not. That’s a pivotal moment.

Do you realize that in one moment your life could taken an entirely new direction based on the tiniest little decision that you make? If that woman behind her had just given her the envelope right then things would have been no different except maybe the woman who left it might have said an extra prayer for her kindness. Or maybe the woman decides to not give it back, gets arrested and goes to jail, loses her job and some other bad things occur just because of that one moment.

This is the reason that I believe in fate so much. I don’t always agree with it but it’s one tiny decision. What if I’d not gone to that party. Would I have ever met the new guy? What if I didn’t choose to leave a job because they drug tested and that wouldn’t have gotten me where I am today. What if I hadn’t said things that I’ve said in the past? What if I didn’t think there was a purpose for every encounter, every relationship, every word spoken or not spoken.

Bottom line is that I do believe those things. I believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be whether it be a place I like or not. For the first time, lately, in a very long time I’ve mentioned the word “regret” and it was only about one person and the truth is I still don’t like where we are at all. This place sucks. It feels like purgatory between heaven or hell. That might be a bit dramatic but that’s the truth of how it feels. However, it’s decision that I made that put me here right now. In this place. There’s a strength in knowing that. Just like there’s strength in knowing that if this is it, if this is our finally then his secrets are safe, his wrong doings are safe and if it ends in the right way then there will still be love. I will still refuse to say an unkind word about him to our friends and will always defend his choices. I’ll always be supportive if needed and I’ll know at the end of the day that I was everything that I could have been because he’s never said otherwise.

I don’t actually want things to end but I can not stay in purgatory any longer when I don’t have to. I’d sworn that I’d always be here if he needed but he doesn’t need or want anything from me and can’t even put words together on in a response so we’re back to, I’ve done what I can. There’s a whole world of people out there that appreciate just the importance of being me.

This would be that pivotal point where, if it truly mattered, I’d know it. Without a doubt. But since nothing has every gone as planned or as needed in this relationship I can focus on the relationships that do. I’ve learned that relationships are like plants or even pets. You can’t just feed them or water them when you want attention or because you just remembered they were there. You have to constantly take care of them. Maybe I’ll ask one of the relationships that he does care about one day, what she did right. Actually, I don’t care because it’s not about any body but the two of us and right now there’s not even two of us in this relationship.

Did I mention that I am a bit tipsy? Obviously I don’t want to keep talking about this but it’s my only vent. It worries me that I can’t not focus on this when there’s a potential new relationship that I could be focused on and I am, kind of. The problem is that the new guy doesn’t feel like home as much as THE friend used to. When it comes to men in my life I’ve, I guess, always had a grand checklist to make up for an empty feeling somewhere. With THE friend I never had that. I guess some would ignorantly call it basic but all I wanted from him was what I know he has the capacity to give. He then chose to give that small amount and much bigger amounts to others. That shows true colors right there. But I never believe them. I wonder if he actually will ever have the capacity to look back and wished he’d done things differently. Guess I’ll never know.

These were all the things that I thought about on my cathartic drive tonight. While listening to some great music and trying to figure MY shit out before I can no longer check the “single” box.

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What is love and setting things free…

Speaking in the eloquent words of Haddaway (from the 90’s) “What is love?”. Is it the desperation of two dim witted brothers from Night at the Roxbury attempting to act cool? Is it a person, place or thing? Animal, mineral or vegetable? The next words in the song are, “Baby don’t hurt me!” and there’s a reason for that.

Love is something that means something different to everyone. To some, they see an item, remember a song or watch a movie and that’s a reminder of a certain kind of love to them. But moving to another song, “Love don’t cost a thing” or at least it shouldn’t right? But from the moment we all “love” something, anything, it’s possible it could cost us everything.

There are times when you let love go for either the reason that it’s not the healthiest kind of love or to see if it returns. There are times when you put love on hold so you can pursue other things in life. Then there are times when love is just forgotten or buried deep within so you can let someone else have their joy.

Not everyone is meant to have everything they want nor need. That’s the story of life, love included. If we always got what we wanted wouldn’t we just want more? Do we ever actually appreciate the things when we have them? Or are we such a society where instant gratification is a standard that no one really knows what the hell we want or need anymore anyway?

Why am I being so introspective today? For many reasons. First, you all know the struggles I’ve had with a “friend” in my life. It’s now been a month and a half or so since we’ve seen each other and I have a fear or a deep down knowledge that it’ll be a lot longer than that, if we ever actually do, see each other again.

When our sabbatical from each other first started I knew that it was because he’d found someone to replace his time with. My initial reaction was one of hope for him. He wants a family and regardless of the feelings that I have for him and knowing that he’d never have those wants with me, I had a glimmer of hope that maybe this was someone that he would be happy to finally have that with. My second reaction, albeit a close second, was that I knew this would be another longer interim of him not “needing” me and therefore no need to want to see me. I hated that I was right.

So a long silence from both of us occurred. His end was because he was busy forgetting the people that had helped him over the last few years and he was enjoying life with a new person. My end was two fold. One, I suppose it was a bit of a test to see what would happen and when he’d reach out, if he did. The second was to let him have his space to be happy. We’d been fighting a lot. It started to seem daunting for him to make time for us so there’s nothing left to do at that point but to let someone go and not to bother them at all.

The next thing was the “coming back”. If this was to happen what would be the reason? That sounds silly right? Why should there be any other reason to see a friend other than because you miss them? Obvious right? Wrong! In his attempt to meet up again, there was nothing about “miss you”, “can’t wait to see you” or “I want to spend time together”. Nope, none of that.

Let me interject a story here. I’ve taken lots of classes for different things because of my job. One of my first jobs was a customer service roll which I had to take a customer service class and the first thing they teach you is that, no matter what good things you have to say to someone the only focus will be on the worst thing. Basically if I was to say to you, “Your hair looks amazing but your clothes look like shit.” You soon forget that I had anything nice to say to you at all.

Back to the “lets hang out” conversation. There was a whole lot of empty filler and then the actual reason or request for why he had chosen to reach out to me after a long sabbatical. If this was the first, second or even third time this had happened it might be ok because, where he’s concerned, I’ve learn to have a fuck-load of patience but it’s been too many times to count. It would be different if I’d never brought up this concern to him before but I have. Numerous times. In fact, my exact words were this, “You make me feel like a loyal trusty dog”. This was obviously due to the fact that I have always been here for him.

I’ve put in time, love and money into a one sided friendship that was so easy for him to cast away, all while saying things like “You’re my BFF.” “I love and care about you more than most”. When you immediately follow all those things up with silence until you need something you’ve completely voided any goodness those things once offered and yet again, made someone feel like a loyal trusty dog.

The issues that I have are these: First, I promised to ALWAYS be there but at what cost? There’s truly nothing I can do about these feelings I have for him and I’ve tried everything. I’ve never, in my life, been a pushover nor a doormat. I’ve never thought twice about letting go of people that weren’t healthy but I’ve also never felt like I only had a friend when then needed me for something or when they were bored with life and I was a last resort. So, I have no clue what to do.

Here is where my head and my heart are at odds with each other and apparently God as well. My heart says, “He’ll always hold a special place in here whether he wants to or not but he’ll always break your heart”. My head says, “What the fuck are you doing? You are so much better than feeling less than amazing. If he missed you, he’d see you. Period. If he missed you he’d say it. Period. If you weren’t “replaceable” you’d never have been replace nor lied to about it”. God, on the other hand, is still sending me emails in my dreams WITH HIS MOTHER AND SISTER. This is so unfair.

This seems like it should be such an easy task to accomplish but having self respect, I know that I have to listen to my head right? Or is the problem that I’ve never listen to my heart before and it’s about time? Or do I listen to God, and his Mother and Sister?

The last thing I’ll ask about this topic, as it’s obviously been weighing on me, is this…

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

But if it comes back with an asterisk and it’s not yours and never has been does any of that even apply?

There was once a time, in our friendship, that there wasn’t any asterisks and there was never any question. There was actually a time when I knew or thought I knew that he was fighting for a friendship here that had surpassed over two decades and would last forever but now, I just feel like he’s forgotten the friendship completely. There was once a time when I believe his words, “I look forward to repaying your kindness” and now I feel like he’s just using my kindness.

Last night I prayed that God ask him to show me that he actually cares about the person behind the kindness. I have a feeling that I will be waiting for a very long time for that, if I ever see any fight left in him. I have always tried to look at our situation through both our eyes and I wish that he would, just once, do the same for me.

I’ve at least gathered my thoughts up enough to write it all down here in hopes that it all gets out of my head. I really want life to prove me wrong, just once. Just… Once…

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In case of emergency call… no one.

Do you think it’s possible to feel someone else’s emotional pain physically or is it possible that it’s just karma? I had four plans for tonight. The first was a “hey you wanna see a movie” last weekend from my friend. I’d thought he would forget so I didn’t put much stock in that. Second, a friend was flying in town to see his mother’s who’s in the hospital. Third was a club with a friend of mine that is about to get a divorce and lastly, I promised myself that if all my plans fell through that I’d actually go see my ex and hear him out. I’d been avoiding him for a while now so it was my last resort card to plan depending on the evening.

So, my friend didn’t forget but I’d fallen asleep after we’d made plans and had a dream that he texted me a cancellation while he was at some woman’s home because he just didn’t want to leave her. When I woke up, he’d canceled. My friend, who was flying in, was delayed due to weather so he’d decided to just come in Monday. And the third guy… well, by the time I was ready to go out he called and was really drunk. He gets way too aggressive when he’s drunk so there was no way I was going to see him especially being drunk and depressed. So that left the ex. I asked what he was doing and he’d texted me that he’s “been fucked in the head” and wrote me a letter. He’d asked if I would come over and he could read it. Sure… I guess I was meant to.

I got to his house and he got in the car before I could gather my things and he asked if we could just drive around. For an hour, we drove around and he read his letter and he cried and I just sat there, like a frozen plant. Not speaking or even moving aside from lighting a cigarette with my tremendously shaking hand. The letter was raw. The letter was painful. I didn’t know what to say. Truth is, I actually don’t even know how I feel.

This is my problem. I have the friend, who’s plainly stated that we’ll never be more than just friends so based on his words I’ve never waited around for him. But the problem is no matter who else I’m with I’ll always know that I won’t feel the same about them. I’ll never feel as comfortable, as safe or be as content and happy as when I’m with my friend. But maybe the solution isn’t that I stop seeing my ex. Maybe the solution is that I stop seeing my friend. Typing that, I cry… WTF… My ex just poured out his heart to me and nothing happens but I suggest to myself that I stop seeing my friend and I cry like an idiot. But the truth is, maybe it is the best answer for me now.

My friend says that he has two “close friends” that he spends most of his time with, me and this other guy. I’d made a joke that he liked his other friend more because he spent more time with him. He paused and said “He needs me more right now. You don’t need me at all.” And of course, being the independent person that I mumbled (under my breath) “Nope, nope I don’t”. That was a lie but I feel that I need him for the reason that I shouldn’t or maybe it doesn’t matter why you need someone. I do need him in my life but maybe I need to learn to not need him because it all hurts. He’s kept me sane, in check and he makes me feel needed too, although sometimes it’s nice to feel wanted.

Regardless of all that, I dropped the ex off. I told him that I’d think about what he had to say and I would reply with a letter. I’ve always felt that its rude to not acknowledge someone’s heart felt confessions so I will response. I told him that I needed time to sort things out and asked that he just give me till the end of September to respond. He’s got friends in town till then so I know they’ll look after him.

If I decided to do this with him we’ll be living together very soon after. I’ll not see my friend that much at all (not that we actually spend a great deal of time together now) and I’ll have to come to terms that I will probably never feel the same way about another human than I do my friend and I’ll have to be ok with that. I’ll have to think as though he never came back into my life. Would I want to be in a relationship with my ex at that point? Is he what I would be looking for if the friend wasn’t in my life?

After I dropped  him off, I stopped at a friends house. She has “the good stuff”. I needed something to calm down, to stop my tears from coming up and to put me into a coma until Tuesday morning. I also needed something for the worse cramps of my life. Random fact, sex is good for those but since I don’t have a bottle of that lying around the house I was choosing my next best option. She came through with a tiny brown bag and sent me on my way. When I finally got home, double over in pain with tears streaming down my face from everything I realized she’s put enough pills in here to kill a horse, that might be dangerous right now because I just want to be numb and forget everything, actually I don’t.

This leads me to my tag line “In case of emergency” who’s on your list? I’m going through a lot right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and that’s not good but it’s also my own fault. My best friend is listed as my emergency contact on most things but that’s a bit silly since she’s not near me. My problem here is that my friend is the first person I think of when I’m sad, or in need of help or bored but I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask for help. If he ever said that he needed me to need him for something then I might just be honest and tell him that I truly do.

So now I’m sitting here, in need of talking to someone or just don’t feel like being alone and I won’t reach out and no one can read my mind and I have a bag of pills and my phones about to die and I have tears down my face, unbelievable pain and all I can think about is where’s my savior? Where’s my emergency contact? Who’s my emergency contact?

Tonight is not a great night. I hope your weekend is much better than mine. I should just go sleep now. Good Night.

  

Prioritizing Priorities…

Some people’s priorities are so effed up it’s unbelievable. I’ve been stewing with this thought for a while now and it just keeps getting me more angry and more angry. I’ve never, in my life, encountered someone with such effed up priorities that I don’t know what to do right now. This has me so red-faced right now that I’m done, with all of it. I’m done with them and I’m done being angry. If they have made it this far in their life without realizing what is actually important rather than a quick fix of excitement then they are obviously never going to change.

I have never been so done before with another person. This is a strange feeling and it’s not as if I’m losing much on my end. I do wonder though, if you think about the people in your life, if I said they wouldn’t be there any longer would you miss the person first or their perks? If the answer is anything other than that person then you might be an a-hole.

Damn I was actually having a really decent day until this just boiled over. It’s time to ONLY take care of myself and the people that are closest to me from now on. Seriously people, if you ever wonder why you’re having some bad karma in your life look really hard back at the people that you really should have treated better.

That is all for now. I have to wash this anger off of me before my date tonight… Some meditation perhaps. I HAVE to let all this go or it’s going to eat me up.

I hope you’re all having a much better day than I right now. Do you think Hallmark makes a card that says, “I love you, but I love me more. Take me for granted more than once and you lose a really great friend. Good luck. Please don’t do this to anyone else. You make people feel like shit.”

Nothing for Granted By: Brendan James