Weekend Relaxing…

As you all know I’ve been feeling a bit out of place lately, uncomfortable in my own skin again. Last week, at the last minute, my crazy friend mentioned she wanted to go out of town. I’d had plans all weekend but canceled them and said sure. So she and I went off to Austin for the weekend. I’d called my brother and asked if it was ok. I specified that we ONLY wanted to relax and not be entertained or actually do anything. It happened to be the perfect weekend.

We were planning on just going up Saturday and coming back Sunday at first. Then she called me Friday and said, “Fuck it. Lets go now.” So we’d got on the road just after 4 and literally spent the entire weekend just relaxing. My friend, who’s usually a talker, spent most of the weekend quiet, contemplative. I spent most of the weekend hanging with my niece, jumping on the trampoline and relaxing in his backyard. The weather was perfect. By the end of the weekend I had no regrets of canceling on anyone and even less regrets about spending most of the weekend in my pajamas.

With everything that’s been going on with friends, men and work I didn’t realize how much I really needed to get away. It was cathartic. It was sad though that the moment I came back, to my home, I immediately felt disconnect and crazed again. It felt like the moment I got back home I went immediately in my own head which is where I tend to overthink. My friend has already asked me when we can go back because it was that relaxing there.

I don’t really know whats wrong again. Obviously inside my head way too much but it’s other things too. Missing people, realizing some people really weren’t worth my time and realizing just how hard it is to find solid soul connections in my life. On the drive to my brothers my friend tried to bring up a few things and I just said, “Nope. Don’t want to talk about that/him/them.” So we didn’t talk much about anything all weekend. We got a little too high Friday night but had a blast anyway. Didn’t drink at all and we both actually slept well. I got the room next to my niece with gerbils who are actually kind of cool pets. (Random thought there).

But now I’m back, what’s next? I was supposed to go to a lunch meeting on the other side of town close to the beach at one of my clients this afternoon but that got moved to tomorrow. That means that I got dressed up and out of my pajamas, unpacked my boots and jacket for nothing. Whatever, I looked cute. 🙂

So back to, “What do I do now?” I have no idea. I guess I’m giving up on the relationship front again. I’m stopping the dates and only hanging with friends till at least after the holidays are over. That’s one thing that I guess with stop me from being in my head. Another thing, I had a friend ask me if I wanted to book bands for him at a new bar he’s opening late next year. It would be an extra paying job, so much fun and I’ve done it before so I know what I’m doing. Plus knowing a crap load of musicians in town and bands would make it easy. I wouldn’t be doing anything till next year though which allows me time to do my regular 9-5 job, plus my private clients and then help him. It’s something else to take my mind off shit. I basically told him that if he allowed me to throw some charity events there also I’d totally do it. He said I could do whatever I wanted.

Something you don’t know about me, when I was about 14/15ish I’d written a business plan for a coffee shop during the day and a bar/club at night. It was so detailed and I even got the name registered at the county courthouse. I’d always wanted to own/run a bar/restaurant establishment. I think mostly it’s my love of music because I wanted to have acoustic nights, band nights and charity events back then. Never did anything further than that though which is stupid because I know so many people now that would invest in my ideas. I guess it’s good to know people that have too much money than they know what to do with sometimes.

I actually have a lot of work to do now that my lunch meeting has been rescheduled but didn’t feel like doing that so I’m getting my thoughts out here so I have less to think about… Actually that’s not even going to matter since it’s a full moon tonight which is auspicious for my Aquarius people. I’m starting to believe less and less of that shit though since none of the good stuff is happening or I’m feeling too much of the bad stuff. I don’t know what this “stage” in my life is about. What I do know is that I need some unexpected happy surprises soon or I’m moving far far away.

So that’s what’s in my head for now. Not feeling connection to anyone or anything right now sucks. I might write later or not for weeks. Depends on what’s going on with me. I hope you’re all having an amazing week! xXx

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Missing things, times and people…

One of the many things that losing all my shit in a hurricane taught me was to release attachments. I had created attachments to people, places, things… Most of that became useless when I realized I didn’t have that anymore. I realized that I’d become attached to an item because it reminded me of a time and of a feeling. Once I lost those things though I realized that the feelings were still there if I’d just close my eyes and think about them enough.

A lot of those items that I lost had to do with times in my twenties or late teens. I was heavily into drugs and friends at this point in my life. Nothing else mattered to me. I’d kept a job since I was young that allowed for me to have this other life away from the normalcy of just being a young adult. This weekend I was transported back to that time.

Between my excursions out for the last few days I’d started watching HBO’s Euphoria. I knew that I’d wanted to watch it for a while but I also knew that it would bring back memories. It did. So many memories.

For a while, back then, there was three couples. Three girls and three boys and we’d all get together on the weekends and either go to someone’s home that was minus the adults, a hotel or my home because my parents didn’t really parent very well. We’d setup our lights, music and toys and we’d all take acid, ecstasy or a mixture of both and spend the next 12 hours completely engulfed in a world that we’d created, an escape, a delusion.

Sometimes we’d split off into pairs or threes, not sexually, but we’d all have different vibes within our one vibe. There’d be these moments of us lying on each other, playing with each others hair, giving back rubs or just kissing each other and it felt so comfortable. I am lucky enough to have never had a bad trip but mostly it was because we were careful with who we left around us when we were fucked up if we let anyone else around at all. We’d always do it in a safe surrounding and we were all just so close anyway.

One of the guys in the group, who was like a brother to me, was sitting in front of me one night on a candy flipping experience (both acid and molly) and I was giving him a back rub. I remember so vividly when he lied back, took my arms and wrapped them around him as he did the same with my legs and he kept saying that we were, in that moment, bound together as one. I still remember how that exact moment felt. To describe it, it felt warm, safe and like home. I think that we stayed like that for hours just being one together in the moment but nothing sexual but so magical. I miss those moments.

I bring up these moments probably more than I should because they were all self induced drug delusions but salted with the most amazing emotions. These were the days, the times when I left myself feel whatever I wanted to. I felt safe, comforted and connected to those five people more than you could imagine. I don’t think I’ve been as true to my emotions since then. I don’t think I’ve felt as safe, connected or comforted as much ever since.

Maybe that’s why I keep my heart locked in a box and wrapped so tightly. Maybe it’s all the trauma that happen before or after those moments. Maybe I’m just so fucking scared of being hurt. I don’t know if there’s even just one reason that I do but what I do know is that even if I did feel something for someone it would probably take the most amazing soul connection I’ve ever had to open that box up. I’m not even sure if I’d remember where the key for it even was.

A friend and I were talking about these moments tonight on a drive around the city. It’s hard to explain those feelings to someone who’s never taken drugs or has never had those types of experiences. But I tried. She’s someone that I’ve grown closer to over the last couple years but that still doesn’t really know me well enough to understand my fucked-up-ness. She’s always one who tries to get me to say yes to all these guys I meet and doesn’t understand my need to feel connected to them first.

Tonight she asked if I missed being in a relationship. I’d told her that I did but not for the reasons she thought. I don’t miss the sex. I don’t miss the dates. What I miss is the more intimate moments, in my mind, which boil down to taking care of someone else. I want to emotionally take care of someone else. There’s been few in my life that I’ve had these moments with because they seem so personal to me but I miss being able to take care of a man, whether it be a backrub, cooking dinner or having him lay on my lap and run my fingers through his hair.

I know that it doesn’t seem like it here sometimes but I have a serious nurturing nature about me. It doesn’t come out much at all but it’s there. I miss missing someone so much and having them miss me to the same extent. I miss going to bed next to someone with their arm wrapped around me and their breath on my neck. I literally miss all that so much more than the physicality of a sexual relationship. I would actually trade in the sex part for the rest most days and you all know how much I like the sex part so that’s saying a lot.

No, I’m not drunk right now. I’m completely sober and just missing things, people and times in my head and in my heart tonight. While it’s almost 3 a.m. and I had a good night tonight I’m in a strange familiar place in my head wishing I was somewhere else, with someone else.

What’s strange in my head is that I can’t remember the first boy I ever kissed but I remember the first time someone held my hand the right way. I remember a kiss in the rain one night. I remember the first time a boy kissed the exact spot on my neck that made me shiver. I remember less and less of the sex but more and more about the feelings when those tiny things happened. That time a boy grabbed my waist and I didn’t feel self-conscious. I remember the songs that played in the background of the first time I danced in the living room of a guy I liked in the dark. Those memories, those feelings are all so beautiful in my mind and so vivid.

I don’t want to relive those moments. I want to make new moments that I can remember. I truly appreciate that I’ve got those memories but just want knew ones that I can think about and relive those feelings later.

I don’t know. I’m having a nostalgic and kind of sad evening. As much as I miss those days, like I said, I don’t want those day back. I want new days and someone that I can take care of and make feel like the only man in the world. I like the idea of treating a man so well that it takes his cares and problems away if just for an hour or two. I just miss a lot of things tonight. It’s moments like this that I feel like staying in bed all day and sleeping so I can relive, in my mind, those good times. But I don’t. I get up, fix my coffee and put one my makeup for the day.

I think I’m just having a hard time thinking if I miss a time, a thing or a person more today and my fear is if it’s the person then that makes me even more sad. I don’t do well missing people in my life. Truth is, if I actually admit that I miss someone they better actually believe that I do because that doesn’t happen much and I won’t lie if I haven’t even noticed their absence.

It feels like I’m all over the place again so before I say something that will make me want to delete it tomorrow I’m going to try to get some sleep. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. Nite xXx

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The Starlight of Emotions…

I think I need to find a new word for weird. It’s not that my week has been that weird compared to my normal days but it’s weird for most adults. Most of my week has been working, working out and barely going out. I don’t know why I’ve chosen this week to stay in. It might have something to do with the two people I spend the most time with going to Vegas.

I’d declined to go with them on their Vegas trip because that would have made my fifth trip and to be honest Vegas is a great city at night but during the day looks like trash to me. I do need a vacation soon though but I might just run off into the forest and camp for a few days and take mushrooms.

On thing about working from home, aside from the freeing feeling of being able to walk around and work with my pj’s or just a t-shirt on, is that you start to feel a bit disconnected to your co-workers. There’s days that go by and we don’t even talk so when my boss called me the other day and asked what my holiday plans were so that he could make his I bit his head off. My reply was that my job has never been dependent on him or where he is so it really doesn’t matter when he takes off since he basically takes everyday off. He replied with, “Calm your tits” which in turn made me reply with “fuck off and sober up”. I will never not say we don’t have a weird relationship but there’s something really nice about being able to tell your boss to fuck off.

I fight with him more than anyone else in my life. I’ve fought with him more than any boyfriend, relative, friend. We are each other’s longest relationships ever and I joke with him that when I leave his ass for someone who pays better then he owes me alimony because we have never had sex and we always fight. It’s a running joke.

I bring this up because I’ve had ex’s be jealous of the relationship that I have with my boss. This makes me laugh. Mostly because I think that jealousy is a useless emotion but mostly because of the absurdity of it all. People say he’s attractive but after you’ve seen the worst in someone, you’ve seen their drunken disgusting moments in life and you’ve seen the way they treat people you tend to not see an attractive side. I’ve never thought he was attractive though… Maybe just not my preference. His brother however, a completely different story.

But I digress…

Bringing up emotions though brings me to another situation. This week, Monday night I think, a friend and I had gone to see if we could see any comets around midnight. He’s a fun friend and has always had this weird obsession that we hookup but I won’t even kiss him. I think he wanted to go to see if I’d think it was romantic which I was literally too interested in trying to see a comet and then dealing with the police when they showed up. Apparently you can’t sit in a parked car without doing something wrong.

So my friend and I got to talking about how we handle emotions. I explained to him that I like to wait to react to situations. There’s a lot of times when I’m pissed or upset that I immediately want to say something but I don’t. I’ll write a note instead and then I’ll calm down. I’ll quickly start to rationalize something. It’s something that I’ve had to train myself to do because it’s human nature to just “react” with whatever comes out. THE friend tested my patience a lot with this. He’d do something and I’d want to rip his head off but just took a deep breath, explained it away and realized later that if it was truly important to me then I’d bring it up in a sane calm manner. After not reacting for a day or two, most of the time, I realize that it’s not that important anymore so I let it go.

This led my friend the other night to ask me what actually, truly pisses me off. My first response, lying. I just don’t see a need for it. Second, when someone can’t apologize. Apologies are the utmost form of adulting in my book. We all make mistakes. We all fuck up but it’s only a truly good human than can apologize and mean it. I think I also said lack of appreciation and respect.

He then asked if that meant I was a carpet. You know, someone who people walk over, because I don’t get pissed about stuff. I said that they might think that but the truth is if they make a mistake once it’s forgivable. A mistake made twice I can deal with but a third time I will just disappear never to be heard from again. There’s lots of people in my life that I miss and there’s lots of people who, maybe 10 years ago, I’d let back in my life but now I just want positive, caring, loving people in my life. They’re allowed to make mistakes but it’s all about how they handle it after that proves the character of someone.

I always have things to do and people to do them with if I chose to so losing one or two people no matter what they’ve meant to me doesn’t stop me from living my life as fun and happy and it can be. I just don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. I try to help people with kind words, actions and listen when I can. I’m nowhere near perfect but it gives me something to strive for each day.

After that he’d asked me why I didn’t want to hook up with him. I told him that I wasn’t attracted to him and the only reason he was attracted to me was because I didn’t want him. He disagreed but we shall both agree to disagree on that. Why am I not attracted to him? Well, the good things about him as far as most girls see: has money, good looks, treats them shitty enough so when he does something nice it seems so huge. My reason for not being attracted to him: he’s arrogant, he’s a man-whore (what’s the nice way to say that?) and I can see right through his bullshit. He said the latter and my ass are the reason he likes me and something to do with my lips which was foul but at that point I just turned the radio on loudly and got out of the car.

These are probably just some of the reasons that I’m still single. Mostly because I’d rather be picky than just have any warm body next to me in bed. It makes for some lonely nights and I do mean lonely nights. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve literally slept next to man. Even when THE friend stays he’s on the couch and I’m locked in my room. Here’s the things, right off the top of my head there’s seven men that I could call and either go over there or have them come here but I just don’t want any man. You all know that.

My list has never really changed but in case you’re wondering my perfect man who is imperfect would not be rich nor the best looking man ever. I don’t care what he drives or what he does. My perfect man is appreciative, respectful, sometimes a gentleman, sometimes kind and sweet and sometimes a sarcastic fool that I can laugh with. Someone that teaches me things and wants to learn things from me. Someone that admits his faults, his vulnerabilities his fears. Someone that I can help grow, live and love. I will never think his dreams are too big or his words too small.

I might not love easily but when that flood gate opens it’s a glowing light of acceptance and love but doesn’t suffocate. Love isn’t suffocation or jealousy or anger. Love is what’s right in the world and if/when I truly love someone his life will be better with me in it. That’s the whole point of love, to make someone else better than before you met them. That’s what I’ve been told anyway 🙂 my Shaman friend likes to remind me that when I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with (truly WITH them) both our lives are supposed to shine bring with love and riches and some other shit. It’s nice to believe that some days. Some days it’s a bit harder to believe.

So currently I’ve turned down four guys in the last 30 days and I have no current FWB’s. I know that I can’t complain but I know that I’ll feel connected with someone soon and if I don’t then I’ll just move on to something else in life. Right now I’m more focused on my career and myself so that I can be better for the next guy who, maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel connected to.

I miss that part of my relationships. Even my friendships lately I feel like I’m disconnected to. It’s me. It’s in my head because I’m in my head. I’m awake when I should be asleep and I’m sleeping when I should be awake because the things I dream about are better than my reality right now. The most vivid dreams and I can’t get them to stop and they’re all about ONE person. Life is weird… My life is weird.

… and on that note it’s almost 2 am now and I’m going to try to sleep. Hope you all had a great week and have a great weekend. I have no idea where the winds will take me this weekend. I’m leaving you with the video In My Dreams By: Robert Miles because, well, it’s my life and I love this whole album. Nite xXx

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Dates, selfishness and my current world…

There’s actually been a lot of stuff that’s happened over the last week but I’ll start with my today. I actually went on a date. Now, I kind of cheated since I asked that it be an afternoon date so there would be no question about the “after dinner hook-up” but it was really nice.

A few weeks ago I’d gone to my dad’s best friend’s son’s bar and while we were there having a drink his friend showed up. He’s very attractive and seemed really sweet. The day after we’d met he Facebooked me. I have never actually accepted his friend request but I did start chatting with him on messenger. He’d asked a few times if I’d like to go out but said he wasn’t sure because I didn’t seem that interested to talk to him on messenger and I replied that I hate social media and I hate texting. People always misconstrue conversations. Men always read women’s texts in their “bitchy women’s voice” and women always read men’s texts in “stupid caveman voice”. I’d told him I was interested to have a conversation in person.

We went and met at a nice wine bar that a friend of mine used to play acoustic sets at but I hadn’t been there for years. I had told him that I had plans this evening so I couldn’t be out too long and while that’s true, my plans were to come home and pamper myself on my Saturday night. We had a great conversation for over three hours. I actually really like him.

Even though I’d said we would both be completely casual he showed up in a nice shirt and jeans. Not my favorite outfit, you all know that the white button down shirt and black pants is my favorite, but he looked nice. His hair is  long, but not too long and he’s got just the perfect amount of facial hair… I do love facial hair on a man. I’ve always found jewelry on a man sexy too and he had on this really nice chain with something on it. I actually didn’t ask what it was. Maybe next time.

He’d actually made it there before me and when I got there gave me a really nice hug. He’d asked what I wanted to drink and ordered for me which I like. Then we just chatted. We actually chatted about all kinds of things. He’s actually a little younger than I am and I was older than he thought I was. Neither of us were bothered by our ages though.

There was just the right amount of eye contact and light grazes with the fingers and all that stuff. The good thing here is that I was actually totally ok with him touching me. Usually, especially if I don’t know a man well, I’m thinking, “Get your fucking hands off me”. I’m very peculiar about human touching. He, also, genuinely, made me laugh a few times. That scores points.

A few other good points:

  • I am a human bullshit meter and it actually didn’t go off on him except for once. He had actually lied about something very personal but instead of calling him out on it I let it go. Everything else he said was actually pretty honest.
  • Openly admitted how long it had been since he’d had sex and wow. I am so absolutely in like with this guy even more for being THAT honest and telling me why also. Most guy brag about all their women but he wasn’t like that.
  • He gave genuine compliments knowing that they wouldn’t lead to anything afterwards. He already knew there was going to be no intimacy.
  • He was also very into what I was saying. He’d noticed that after I’d start telling a story that I’d just stop and summarize it to get it over with and he’d asked me not to do that. I told him I was just used to the people around me monopolizing the evening with their stories and just never really cared to finish mine.
  • One thing you might not know about me is that I’m a weird bit of a germaphobe. I can’t stand to have people drink something that I’m drinking (from my glass) and if they do I’d just give it to them. I’m very particular about shit like that. He’d asked if I wanted to try his wine and I actually did. I was comfortable there too.
  • He likes music but not nearly close to how much I LOVE music but that’s ok.

So those were the points that stood out to me. It’s not like I have a mental checklist or anything, but I just remember all those things. I was honest with him about what I’m looking for in a relationship and while he appreciated it I think he wants something deeper and quicker than me. Well, that’s not fair to say, I’ve said before that I actually want to be in a relationship but it usually takes me a while to warm up to someone.

While I’d give him 7 out of 10 and our date a 6.5 I’m a tough grader and there’s a massive curve. He does fit several of the things that I’ve put in my intention setting jar for a guy that I want a relationship with. He’s already said that he’d want to see me a couple times a week which is nice. He wants to take me, next weekend, to this really fancy restaurant that I’ve been dying to go since it opened but I did explain to him I’m not looking for someone to buy me extravagant things, dinners or trips anywhere. I’m a firm believer in paying my own way and just because he’s the man it doesn’t mean he always has to pay but he’s actually a real gentleman. I’ve not come across one of those for far too long.

One thing that I see as a difference is that he is very Catholic. I’m used to that, most of my ex’s are Catholic but he’s actually a practicing one. I’ve explained before that it’s not that I’m not a believer but I’m more spiritual and I have such a different belief system than someone like him.

It was just a far different conversation than I had last weekend with my friend at the bar who told me that I was a natural born witch and I don’t mean in the bitch sense. But that brings me to the fact that my friend from last weekend, well, I was actually wrong and yes he was hitting on me. Even though he is in love with his girlfriend I think he can see the writing on the wall and was “making future arrangements” with me in case it didn’t work out. That brought out a whole new conversation that he and I had which was that I was not and never going to be a placeholder for his next relationship or anyone else’s.

I’m not a placeholder. I’m not a layover and I’m not a crash test dummy to come back to when shit doesn’t work out with someone else. I know that I’ve put myself in these situations because I’ve been so against exclusive relationships in the past but no more. I’ve past up way too many men who wanted me to be their final destination except not in a creepy bad horror movie way but a romantic way and I’m just sick of being a stand in. I’m not the mistress… I’m not the whore… I’m not anything but a priority. Period.

Yes, those passive aggressive statements are being made out loud for the first time since I got some really tacky news from a friend on Facebook about my current, no longer, FWB. While I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt what our mutual friend said was just too much for me to sweep under the rug. It’s possible that he might realize one day that what he’s done to me is shitty but if he never figures it out then he is just as bad as our mutual friend said, AND I still stuck up for him all over again and just waited until now, on here to say anything to anyone. I just fucking hate being lied to, manipulated and treated like shit by selfish people.

That brings me to my “selfish part” of this post. In the last few weeks everyone’s selfishness has just been amplified. I don’t know if this is why I’m so far the opposite or what but I just can’t take it anymore. That’s probably part of the reason that I found this guy today so nice because he’s so different than the people around me lately. I just don’t really remember the last time that I was treated as equally as kind as I’ve treated someone else.

I’m tired of going out of my way, going where they want to go, driving to them. I’m tired of not being able to get a sentence out before I’m interrupted. I’m tired of my evening being ruined by their selfishness. I’m tired of not getting my own happy because I’m too busy making sure they get their happy…. Done. Even when I say I’m going to be more selfish I can’t make it work because I interact with the most selfish people I’ve ever known. I can’t remember before this afternoon when the last time someone asked me “How are you?” and not only wanted me to answer but actually wanted the truth.

Apparently the kinder I become the more I attract the assholes that don’t deserve my kindness yet it’s happening all day, everyday. This is why I go MIA for days at a time. I need to reboot from the people around me. They always come back wondering where I’ve gone, why am I not around, they miss me. No, they don’t miss ME. They miss what I can do for them or how I treat them. Well, fuck that. It actually takes someone who’s pretty great to see what I’ve been missing. There’s my lesson in life I guess.

I don’t know when I’ll see him again, new guy, because here’s the fuck up thing about me… I’ve never healed from my childhood trauma so in the back of my mind all I can think is, “I’m not good enough for this guy”. See my fucked up logic? But I know that I’m pretty fucking awesome and I know what I deserve and I deserve to be treated well, respected and appreciated. I don’t expect to be treated like a princess even though I’m called a princess a lot but I deserve a whole lot better than what I allow myself.

The last thing that this new guy did, which is huge in my book, he wants me to hang out with him and a friend of his that’s coming to town in a couple weeks. If a guy wants you to meet his best friend, it’s kind of a big deal. I think that’s a bit too fast since we’ve known each other less than a month BUT it’s a big deal and I get that. Hell, there’s been guys that have asked me to marry them and I never introduced them to my best friend, mostly because I knew she’d think they weren’t good enough for me which is why she’s my best friend and why I miss the hell out of her.

The only guy that my best friend actually met was THE friend but that wasn’t even because of me. My brother threw me a surprise birthday party a couple years ago and he’d invited both of them to the party but that’s a whole other story.

So the last thing I’ll say tonight is that as much as I like hearing someone’s history and their backstories I also have a weird need to hear the really crazy fucked up shit they’ve done. That’s people’s truths. I mean, what weird shit do they do when no one is looking? For instance, I could stare at my pores in a magnifying mirror for hours while I pluck my eyebrows to perfection. I walk in place while I brush my teeth to get in extra steps. I have literally lied on my couch and stared at the ceiling and listened to music for hours while my phone is on airplane mode. These are quirks. For some reason I’m obsessed with knowing people’s weird quirks.

… and on that note I’m done for now. It was a good day, a strange week and slightly upsetting month already but then again, September has never been a good month for me. I hope you’re weekend is amazing. Nite xXx

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My Friday Night at 4 am on Saturday…

I am completely sober, home and writing at 4 am after getting home about an hour ago. This was long enough for me to take my pants off, eat an egg for dinner and try not to peel my sunburned skin off. I’ve had a good night, a strange night. I finally got to spend some time with my friend who freaked out a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t all weird and sad.

We’d had plans to go see the drummer at a show except I got the dates mixed up. We went ahead and decided to drive almost to the beach to one of my clients and watch a show there. Most of the drive there was him talking about things going on in his world. He’d “kind of” made up with his girlfriend and is just taking things day by day which is great for him. By the time we’d gotten to the bar I thought he’d have been talked out but he wasn’t.

We sat at the bar and for some reason lots of people wanted to come up and just start talking to us. These are all people that neither of us knew but we played along anyway. At one point there was this woman and her mother-in-law who were there celebrating the woman’s husbands birthday. The younger lady (who is actually my age) started getting very close, close talking, very touchy-feely and I kept trying to back up but my friend was behind me and I wasn’t trying to back up into him either.

This lady and her mother-in-law just kept coming back and each time they were a bit more friendly and toward the end of the evening the woman my age convinced me to go dance which I hadn’t done all night because my friend isn’t a dancer.

The band was good but I hadn’t really looked at the band members till I was up there dancing and one of the singers/keyboardist was actually really really attractive. At one point during one of the songs he’d jumped off stage and came and put his arm around me and the mic up to my mouth… Apparently he thought I could sing. He actually left both his arm and the mic on me for a bit longer than he should have.

After the band stopped he tried to get my attention twice but I just went back to my friend and we left soon after that. I did a little stalking when I was on the way home and turns out that hot singer is a model and thankfully lives in another city than I do. However, he did message me and asked if I was the beautiful green eyed girl that sang with him tonight. I have no responded yet and probably won’t but damn he’s sexy and also probably in his twenties. I have no time for that.

It’s weird though. I was really looking forward to seeing the drummer tonight and the whole time I was watching this other band I felt like I was cheating on him. However, I was watching with intent. I kept thinking “Oh I like how they did that.” Or “My man does THAT better.” It was like I was taking notes instead of actually enjoying the music which is stupid because the drummer and I aren’t like that. I’m not his and he’s not mine and I feel even more disconnected to him than I have in a long time.

I feel like he’s going through something right now. I don’t know if that’s true at all but I just really get the feeling like there’s some heavy shit he’s dealing with and maybe that’s why we’ve not seen each other for a couple weeks. I want to reach out and ask if everything is ok and tell him I am here if he needs to talk except we’re not like that. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that we’re better friends than we actually are. I have fooled myself into thinking that the loyalty and the support that I have for him is returned.

It’s weird because he felt a connection between us before I did but I think I felt a friendship before he did. If that makes any sense. Now, anything bad that happens to me he’s certainly not the person I reach out to and for some reason I’m hurt that I’m not his when he’s got much closer friends and family than me. It’s completely illogical but I understand that it is and just move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be “those people” to each other. I’m not even sure that we’ll ever be anything more than an occasional distraction for each other and if that is the truth then that’s a bit sad to me. I have always wanted a deeper friendship with him and I don’t know why that is so important to me.

He’d asked me a week ago if I wanted to meet him and a friend of his at the same bar I went to tonight and since I was going out and doing stuff in the city I had agreed but then never actually heard from him again that night. When I’d asked him about it the next day it was as if he’d just totally forgotten and he wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he’d forgotten which I was actually a bit bother by. But like most things I acknowledged my feelings and then moved on. I realized that I was disappointed that I’d not gotten to see him and that he’d, well, forgotten me. Which he did. But again, if only one of you is actually bothered by something then I guess it was never that important.

I met a gorgeous musician tonight and all I can write about is the drummer… I get that. I had a great time with my friend tonight and all I can write about is the drummer. This is just annoying to me. I really do feel this absolute loyalty to him and I don’t understand that. I’ve said before but anyone talks shit about him and I’m jumping down their throats. I’ve told more clients about him and his amazing talent and even strangers. I found myself handing out a few of his business cards that I’d gotten from him at the last show because I’m so proud of him. That’s fucking weird.

I just don’t understand myself sometimes. Tonight on the way home I guess it was my time to talk. You all are going to think I’m even more weird than before but my friend that I went and hung out with tonight can see auras. He can look at almost any person and see what’s going on in their lives, if they are a good person and how they’re feeling. It’s a gift. He’s like part Cherokee Indian or something and while I’ve always known he could do this he and I have never really talked about it before tonight.

I, all of a sudden, asked can you tell by someone aura if they are in love. How many of you eye rolled just then? I think I made myself eyeroll. He said he could. Then he went around the room of this bar and picked out a few people and explained their auras to me. I, then, just said “What does mine tell you?” He chuckled and said “Mostly that you’ve confused and not happy but there’s some weird comfort there too”. He delved a bit more into detail and without me going into detail he just said, “Love isn’t confusing. You are not in love but you are loved immensely. But the love you’re questioning is distorted.”

On the car ride home I asked him what he meant by “distorted”. He went into this crazy detail about stuff but then said, “… at the end of the day. If you and I were together and even if it was just before the ‘falling in love’ I’d want to see you every day. I’d want to talk to you every day. I’d want to know that you are ok, today and every day. If it’s not that it’s not the love you deserve. You will never feel good enough to be loved but you are more than you’ll ever know. You just have to be open to getting hurt in order to be open to receiving love”.

No, he’s not sending me messages. My friend is not in love with me. We are just really great friends and he’s completely in love with his girlfriend plus I don’t feel like that with him and never have. What I do know is that he asked me to open myself up to the possibilities of love and if things don’t go right then he promised he’d be there to pick up the pieces if I needed. If nothing else he made me feel like I could try and be ok if things didn’t work out. Top that off with what my Shaman friend sent me even after I’d asked her not to then I might actually believe that love is about to enter my life like it hasn’t before. But again, these are the moments that I have no expectations so there’s no disappointment.

Now, it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have nothing else planned this long weekend except sleep. I need sleep. So on that note, hope you all have an amazing weekend. xXx

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