The ups and downs of dating…

As ironic as this next statement will be for a blog about my “dating life” it’s true. I hate dating. I love meeting new people and getting to know them but when it comes to dating, I’m a mess. First, do you realize just how many “dates” I’ve been on and never even knew they were dates? Too many to count. Unless the guy is very specific and says, “Hey we’re going to go out on a date”. I just always assume it’s just dinner or drinks with a friend. At then end of the evening when the waiter asks if it’s on the same check I always say, “Uh, no mine is seperate.”

Most of this has to do with the fact that I hate innuendo. I need someone to be straight up and honest and say what he feels. I can read others when it has to do with others but the moment it has to do with me or my dating life I become completely stupid. I can’t really fault others for this because times have changed and people have changed and because I’m oblivious to things like feelings and emotions that someone else has for me, completely and totally oblivious. It’s a fault of mine I guess.

I remember one of the first real “dates” that I went on. I was 16 and he was a friend of my brothers and in college. I was in between high school boys so I thought I was the coolest. He had this night planned after he was going to pick me up at school. I was so nervous. I mean, I’d been with guys before but this was one of the first real actual dates with an older guy. This is also before I realized that having expectations was a dumb idea.

I’d gotten dressed up that morning in a great outfit. My makeup and hair were perfect (I thought) and I hadn’t eaten all day because I was so nervous. Then, after school I went to the front the wait for him and saw him driving up the wrong way in the pick up line and his car was smoking, like on fire. After he’d gotten the “fire” under control he took me to a very fancy restaurant where we had a decent conversation, where he kept ordering all this weird food and making me try a bite of everything.

After dinner he asked if we could go to one of his favorite spots. I said sure, I never had a curfew. At this point we just start driving… and driving… and driving. After what felt like forever we ended up at this tiny little house which sold antiques. It was weird but ok. We walked around this little store for a while then got back in the car and drove again forever. Then we end up at this overgrown field. He came to my side of the car, opened the door and took my hand. We started walking into this field and after walking about 10 minutes I looked at him and said, “Dude this is weird. If you’re going to kill me just get it over with.” He laughed except I’m not sure I was kidding.

When we were finally done walking we were at an abandoned airplane hangar. I was in very high heeled boots, a short suede skirt and a silk blouse and we were in an abandoned airplane hangar. WTF! Basically he’d taken me there to have wine in the middle of it and he told me the story as to why it meant so much to him and it was a sweet thought that he wanted me to go there with him. It was just a weird date to be one of my first.

After that there was a lot of older men that tried their hardest to do the normal dinner and a movie dates which I actually don’t like going to the movies. Then as I got older it was a lot of expensive restaurants, work dinners or charity galas. I’ve had some pretty amazing dates. But some of the most special ones are the outside of the box dates. I don’t like dinner and movie, I don’t even really like dinner that much. Going to a bar or a concert isn’t a great date, it’s a great hang but never a great date. It’s cheesy and shows no imagination.

I’m not even sure if I can remember the last actual date I’ve been on. I’m sure if I search this blog enough I’ll find it but I don’t like dating. I just want to find another human and be like, “Hey I can tolerate you for an extended period of time. Lets cohabitate a couple nights a week or every two weeks. Maybe every couple months take a weekend trip somewhere. Lets have fun and enjoy each other outside of this fucked up world we live in and not stress each other out. Lets have nights where we don’t even talk, but we listen to music or watch a movie at home with the lights out and just cuddle for a while. Let’s be each others escape for just a few hours a week.

We don’t have to announce it to anyone on face-snap-twit-gram so there’s no one to ruin our fun. Let’s just “be” with each other and embrace the time we spend together then go back to our own lives and if, after a couple years, we continue to not annoy each other maybe we can take it further. That’s what I want. I want easy, safe, fun, comfortable, blissful, no expectations, sexy, peaceful and enjoyable. It’s been so long since I’ve had that. I miss that. I do NOT look forward to being in the dating world at all. I’m not looking for someone to complete me but to compliment me. Is that so hard?

With all that being said and the fact that I’m feeling so stagnant in my world lately I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I still want to stay around Houston, I think but I went so far as to look for a small house on or close to the beach or a little closer to the city. I’m looking to be close enough to my clients to drive to them if needed but not close enough to get a text from my boss that says, “Put pants on, be there in five minutes”.

I looked into a small 2 or 3 bedroom house, townhome and condos. Haven’t really found anything I like yet but am actively looking or looking for something different anyway. I’m antsy. It might be the full moon or the retrograding planets or just the fact that I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I wonder if this feeling with ever go away?! I thought that writing again would help but it’s not, not really. I mean it’s making me remember things that I’d forgotten but sometimes it makes me lonely. It also could be that I just need sex. It’s times like this I wish that I was someone that could just jump into bed with anyone but that’s not me.

So now I’m officially just rambling. Hopefully I’ll be off to bed soon. Tomorrow is a day that I’ll be manifesting and setting my intentions for the full moon. Lets see if I can conjure up the man of my dreams. Hope you all had a great weekend. xXX

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Some of my history of love… it’s a long one.

My weekend has been completely mundane despite many offerings to go out. I had chosen to stay home and rest my ankle as I’ve strained it working out. I’m actually fine with this even though, come Sunday, I’ll feel like I’ve been a completely useless human again.

I did have a long to-do list today which I have moved to tomorrow. I felt like I could hold off on my adulting for a day. While my week went fast it was busy and good just fast. My big plans for Saturday night… Rest my ankle, grab the tissues and watch A Star Is Born. I have a feeling that I might be crying like a baby in a couple hours. It’ll be cathartic.

I did go out last night for a little while but nothing much to discuss. I’d gone to dinner and then had drinks with an old friend. I haven’t seen him in a while and we discussed something that I don’t talk about much. It’s one of my ex’s. Granted, I talk a lot about the men in my life but this one while I’ve mentioned him a bit I’ve never really spoken about. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I wrote about him on here.

About 9 years ago I was dating this amazing guy. Still kept him a secret from almost all that I knew but I liked being with him. He was Latin, handsome and was the perfect man on paper and in person. He had an amazing personality and we had a nice relationship. However, I was not serious about him and I told him that from the beginning. At that time I wasn’t really looking for anything serious and while I knew he was I was always upfront with my feelings.

We’d met through work. He worked at a bank that we did business with and after a few after work drinks he’d asked me out on a date. He was hot so I said sure and soon after we were in a relationship but our emotions were very different. I knew he was looking to settle down and have a family and he knew that I had no idea what I wanted at that time. So, always being up front with him we both knew where each other stood.

One morning as I was getting ready to leave him place he’d mentioned marriage. I laughed it off as a joke and continued to get my stuff. I have always been very careful about making sure I don’t leave anything at some guys home in case I never come back. As I’m making sure all my clothes, jewelry and phone are with me he says it again but this time more serious. At this point I sat down on the bed and explained to him that what he wanted I didn’t at that time and that it was best to break this off because we were both at a completely different place in life.

I truly wanted him to be happy but I didn’t think his happiness was with me. After a few months of back and forth texts, some breakup sex and a few phone calls I’d officially decided that the only way to fair to him was to just leave entirely as if I’d never existed in his life. I’d gotten a few harsh texts and calls from him when he’d been drinking that expressed his anger toward me which he’d later apologized for but after about a year we had become friends. We’d gotten into one huge fight one night and I’d stopped talking to him for a while. This was around the time I met THE friend.

Here’s the thing that I’ve realized since that, with therapy and a few other experiences and AH-HA moments; because of the way I was raised with someone calling me a piece of shit as a child, with the abuse and with my terrible experiences in life I just never really felt like the girl you marry. As much as, last year, I tried to blame this feeling on the guys around me it’s something that I’ve had to realize I’ve always felt like I was never good enough. I mean, if someone who is a parent to you doesn’t think you’re good enough and you grow up feeling like that then how the hell are you supposed to think any different.

For this reason I grew up, started doing drugs and getting into relationships that I knew never had a happy ending because I didn’t think I could be loved anyway. Fucked up right? I “settled” dating the asshole that I knew was a piece of shit because it was a game. I knew he would want me in his life, not need me but want me and when he couldn’t have me I’d won. Then later in life I found these really great guys who would fall for me and I still wouldn’t feel like I was good enough so I’d push them away. I guess if you push enough people away then you are right about people not sticking around right?

So move ahead to meeting THE friend. I got attached to him because he “needed” me. I wanted so badly to “fix” him and it was never healthy. On some small level I think we both knew that our relationship was parasitic. I needed to be needed. I needed to fix something. I needed to be good enough to help someone out. This quickly turned into some unhealthy version of what I thought was love. This was never love though.

Because THE friend and I knew each other when we were kids we, very quickly, almost “moved in together”. He was at my place all the time and I was lonely and he needed me and it turned into something that it NEVER should have been. Don’t get me wrong, there was love there but I was confusing this with all these other emotions that I was having at the time. I was depressed and he was as well and it was like two people that just got thrown together in some twisted paradox BUT since I don’t think that anything happens by accident I do believe that there’s purpose behind everything and everybody we meet, he and I met to teach me things.

So after about a year of THE friend and I spending time together I received a phone call from my ex’s mom. She lived in Spain and he had gone there on vacation. She’d called to tell me that he passed away in a car accident and that she’d found a letter from him to me that he’d had in his backpack for a while. She’d gotten my address and sent it to me along with the ring that he had kept to propose to me one day.

When the letter and ring reached me I prepared myself to read it and assumed that it would be these terrible words and I’d feel like the worst piece of shit ever. After reading the letter I did feel like a real piece of shit but not because it was a terrible letter but because the letter was a beautiful poetic version of how he saw me and our relationship. I felt like a piece of shit because I felt guilty that I couldn’t love him. I felt guilty thinking that if I’d said yes to him then he wouldn’t have gone to Spain and he wouldn’t have passed away. I felt guilty because there I was morning a relationship, morning a great man but that no one around me knew about.

Soon after that I started going to therapy and talking to someone who didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. She was the start of my AH-HA moments and then with the help of me writing and talking to people a bit more I began to actually understand my fucked-up-ness. I started relieving the guilt that I felt and there was so much guilt about so many things in my life. I started to understand that I’d always picked the wrong man to love me for the wrong reasons. I started to understand myself better and my choices.

However, with all these revelations first comes depression. About a year before the storm that wiped me out I became seriously depressed and refused to be medicated so I just fell into a hole of my own making. I’d truly distanced myself from my closed friend, THE friend and a lot of others that cared for me a lot. I was sinking into a hole deeper than I knew what to do with.

Then, the storm happened and it was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. It washed away so many things physically and spiritually for me. After falling into a bit more of a depression at first when all my belongings fit into my brothers guest closet and not know where I was going to live or what I was going to do I just had a moment. I had the biggest moment of clarity that made me realize that I needed to fix this shit because my purpose was so much bigger than what I was doing. I had this dream of being back in Houston one night and meeting someone that change my way of thinking about love and what was right and wrong and I woke up from that dream and told my family at dinner that night that I was moving back to Houston after living in Austin for months.

After some tears and gratitude from others and a few kinds words I’d moved back and I remember sitting in my apartment for the first night alone and it just felt right. I let go of my attachments, my guilt and my expectations. I started my workout routine again, yoga, meditation and gained a whole different set of friends that each gave me something different emotionally. I stopped looking for someone else to “complete me” and I started being real about my emotions. I started being even more analytical than I was before and when I started feeling something I’d ask myself “Where is this coming from?” “Is it about them or is this bringing up old feelings?”. My answer is usually the latter which means I’m assessing and understanding instead of freaking out or girl-braining and while it still does happen sometimes because, well, I’m a girl, I have a much healthier way of dealing with my past than ever before. I’m stronger, healthier in general and feel so much lighter like this.

Instead of looking to others for my happiness I find it in my charity and kindness to others and don’t worry so much about what others think about me or how they perceive me. It’s been a long fucking journey of which I work on every single day but it’s been worth it. I still have to remember to remind myself not to have any attachments to people, places and things but again, it’s worth it.

The best part of this transformation is that I’m able to actually have healthy relationships. I am able to visualize who and what I want and my assumption of what I deserve is much much greater than it’s ever been. If I choose to spend time with someone I know that as much as I am lucky to spend time with them they are as equally lucky to spend time with me. I see their actions and words as a reflection of them not of me. It’s an entirely different mindset than I had several years ago and it works for me.

So, the friend and I that I had drinks with the other night spoke about me and my dating life and had the most amazing things to say about me which I believe this time instead of the last time when he spoke those words I shrugged them off. It kind of showed me how far I’ve come. This, in no way, means that I am done learning, growing, changing or bettering myself but I am no longer in the “I’m not good enough” mindset. That’s taken decades to face and to fight but I am there.

My life is nowhere near perfect. I still want love and I still want someone to share my life with that makes me happy and feel special but I’m no longer letting men enter my life to love me then pushing them away because I don’t feel worthy. I used to say “fuck you” to the person that made me feel like shit until I realized that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and have gone through exactly what I was supposed to have gone through. I promise myself that the next man that truly comes to me with love I will let myself this time.

I know this was a long post and if you read the whole thing then my blessings go out to you 🙂 I am off to watch a sad movie but since it’s about music it’s totally worth it. Nite world xXx

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My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

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Revelations and challenges…

It is 8 o’clock in the morning and I have been up since 5 o’clock after going to bed at 2 o’clock. Not the first time you’ve heard that I don’t sleep much. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that I had a full 8 hours of sleep that actually made me feel rested and better the next day. Lately, I know that it’s because my head really can’t be turned off.

I started my July challenge 2 days early and thought that with the exercise program that I’d be passed out, in a good way, when I finally did hit the bed. That hasn’t happened and that’s been after and hour long session at the gym and an hour long hike. Neither helped.

I decided to do my July challenge this month with my crazy friend. She needs to get healthy and I suggested this in hopes that it would motivate and help her. If you’ve been here before my challenge is that for an entire month I pick five things that I want to do everyday. For this challenge she and I decided that if either one of us doesn’t complete all things (hers is only 3 things) then we put a $1.00 in a jar. When we get enough to take a vacation or do something fun then we use that money.

My challenge is usually the same each month but it keeps me motivated so that’s a good thing. For the entire month of July these are my five things:

  1. Eat Keto everyday.
  2. Exercise everyday, mostly getting in my 10,000 steps a day.
  3. Clean every day.
  4. Read every day.
  5. NO MEN!

Something about my challenge is new but it came about because of recent happenings (or not-happenings) and a discussion with my crazy friend. You all know here how private I am. Well, I hadn’t told my crazy friend about what was going on with the drummer when it started except that he and I were still talking and friends. I left it at that. A couple months ago she came to one of his shows, not knowing anything and was sitting at the table with THE friend and me. At one point THE friend had gotten up and either hugged me or kissed my forehead or something and my crazy friend was watching the band on stage… or more-so the drummer and from whatever look he had on his face she immediately pointed her finger at me and said, “Oh My God! You two are fucking! Because (drummer) just got jealous!”

My reply was, “What? You are so wrong. He probably has something in his contact” But then a bit after that she saw a message come through on my phone from him that said something about coming over and something dirty. At this point I couldn’t hide it anymore nor could I hide the bite marks but just gave her basics, explained to her that it was nothing and that we were just friends.

One reason that I keep things to myself is that I HATE to be repeatedly asked about them. This is what happened. Every time I saw her after that it was, “So, what’s going on with you and (drummer)?” She learned quickly that I didn’t really go deep into detail. However, one night, we had partaken in some fun stuff and been drinking a bit and she was able to get more out of me. This was not that long ago when I’d finally said, “It’s over. I’m done.”

She’s asked me a lot of questions over the last week or so and had a lot of “advice” even though I wasn’t asking for it. One thing she said was that there had to be a reason why, after all that’s happened in a year and a half, how he and I were still friends and in each others lives. I ask myself that a lot as well especially if it ends like this. But two things baffled her about his and my situation. One, how do I keep my “feelings” out of it? The second was how am I not jealous of the other women?

Actually, great questions. I first told her that it would be hard to understand being that she is such an emotional person. I then explained that I never went in this with my heart open. In the beginning he was taken and now he’s treating women like a buffet which he should. There’s no room for emotions here. Then, I explained about the jealousy thing. So, one thing I learned in my spiritual journey is that all the negative things in life stem out of attachment. Once you stop or change your view of attachment you realize that a lot of negative emotions, including jealousy go away. At the end of the day, he is and has never been “mine” because humans are not property.

Then she asked a question which I really had to think about. She said, “If he came to you and said he WANTED to be in a relationship with you would you open your heart?”

The first thing I thought was, “How have I never really thought about that before?” My answer is probably because I’m not a typical girl that girl brains things. Yet another reason why he pissed me off so much with his reply last week. But after a while of thinking I said, “Here’s the thing. I like spending time with him. I enjoy his company. If he sat me down and said that he was serious and that he wanted me to open my heart to him then I would try it.” However, there’s not been much “trying” on his part through all this. I mean, I go see HIM at a show or I go to HIS home. It’s always on his schedule, doing what HE wants. There’s been no equality in anything we’ve done. Which leads me to my next thought.

I think that I require a different type of love from a man than he is able to give to me, or anyone. I’m not a woman that needs to be saved, smothered or treated like an idiot but I am a woman who has so many scars from my past that I need an unselfish, unconditional and non-judgmental type of love. I need a man that has the strength to pull me out of myself and wake my soul up. I don’t and have never gotten the impression that he even wants to know my soul let alone wake it up.

But, at the end of the day, it’s all a moot point because I’m not doing anything with any man for 31 days. I’m cleansing myself. I’m taking care of myself and I really am going to be selfish this month. This also happens to work out perfectly because one of those other men that I talked about last year, he’s coming home at the end of July. He left the country for work months ago and he’s finally coming back.

I never gave this guy a nickname on here but I did talk about him a little bit. We have amazing conversations for hours. He texts me all the time that he misses me. I don’t have the sexual chemistry that I have with the drummer with this guy BUT maybe that’s something that will come with time. I don’t know. I used to think that we’d just always be ONLY friends but that had great conversations but he’s been romancing a lot lately. It’s nice to have that, even if he is thousands of miles away right now. I miss the romance and the intimacy and the mutually great conversations. I guess I’ll have to give him a nickname at some point. I think I’d give up any and all FWB’s right now for a real, true romance. I’ve not had that in way too long. It’s something that I deserve and I know that.

So, my weekend was great. My challenge has started and I’m feeling amazing. I hope your weekend was amazing as well. What would YOU challenged yourself with this month? xXx

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Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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Weird Emotions and Full Moons… Again.

Had a great night tonight for a few reasons. First, I got to see live music which always makes me happy but also I got to talk to one of my favorite people for almost 3 hours. He’s my “brother from another mother” friend. I also hung out with THE friends too which was fun.

I have been feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin lately. I think it has to do with the full moon but who knows. I go out and it’s not enough. I stay in and just get too antsy. I’m driving myself crazy. I don’t know what this feeling is really accept for just an all too familiar feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend, my crazy sister friend and she didn’t understand. I don’t know what will calm this feeling anymore. It’s getting serious.

But one thing that always seems to help a bit is a nice drive listening to music or talking with a friend. Tonight, after the live music and after I dropped THE friend off, it was talking to my brother friend. He is and has been for so long someone that I can totally say, “I love him fully and unconditionally”. He’s smart and funny and literally always tells me the truth. Tonight was no exception.

I tend to tell him more about my life than anyone else I think. He knows the really shitty fucked up stuff that’s happened to me and he, now, knows some of the good things too. So he’s someone that I’ve told the entire story about the drummer too. This is the whole story from start to now and everything in between. No one else knows THAT much. I think I told him because I needed some advice and he’s the best at advice.

So let me tell you all here about why I need advice. The drummer is confusing, and I am confusing to him I guess. We started this “thing” of ours just over a year ago. In the beginning I knew there was this great connection but we didn’t have a future because he was taken. Move ahead almost nine months and he’s no long taken but yet somehow I never looked at him as available either. Then we start spending more time together and he’s saying these things like, “You’re the perfect girlfriend. I love you. I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” So most of the things that girls want to hear right? Except I ignore all those things, not only do I ignore all those things but I even go so far as to tell him, “Don’t tell me that shit”.

Following me so far? Now that I told him stop saying it, he’s not just stopped saying those things but he’s got this giant wall up now where he’s not even being that nice. He’s not being mean but it’s hard to explain. It’s like he’s no longer seeing me like he did in the beginning but just as someone who he’s sexually active with when he feels like it. So it’s basically become a “with benefits” without the “friends” part.

In my twisted turn of events tonight I realize that I do need to hear that shit from the beginning. I need to hear SOME of it anyway. I don’t want to be in a FWBs relationship that absolutely has no chance EVER of going any further. Because, what’s the point. At the end of the day I am looking for love because I’m a human being. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Basically someone who accepts our fucked-up-ness and loves us anyway? I’m not saying that he IS THE one because I still don’t know him well enough and haven’t spent enough time with him but I am saying that given the right amount of time, I might develop feelings for him greater than a FWB relationship. We just haven’t had that much time together.

I read this article that said that it takes men a shorter amount of time to fall in love with someone than it takes a woman. Well, I think it takes me twice as long as a typical woman because I’m fucked up. Emotionally challenged, if you will. What I know is that I enjoy spending time with him. That makes me happy. I get a stupid smile on my face when I see a message come in from him. That makes me happy. When we’re doing nothing but sitting listening to music I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else. He makes me happy.

The problem in my fucked up head though is that I think when the universe finds out that I am happy for one minute that it finds a way to take that away. That’s the reason I don’t talk about him to people I know. To friends I know. I’ve said this before but the few moments of sweet, kind and real drummer that I’ve gotten to see is amazing. If THAT was who I was going to get most of the time, not even all the time, I would be willing to open my heart up. Because THAT guy, is someone I could fall for. THAT guy is someone that I am proud of and want to share THAT person with the people that I know.

THAT sweet, kind and real guy I’ve seen bits of is so fucking talented and smart and sarcastic and witty and beautiful. I love that he’s got ideas for the future and that he’s always thinking of what to do next. I’ve watched him when he’s sitting quietly and I can see the wheels turning in his head. I’ve heard his ideas and the way he talks about life and his kids and deep shit and THAT’S the guy that I could one day fall in love with BUT instead of saying any of that I get quiet. I get quiet and stupid.

Instead of saying anything to him about anything I get quiet. Sometimes it’s because all I want to do is listen to him and sometimes it’s because I’ll say too much or sometimes it’s because I don’t know which version of him will reply to what I have to say. I guess what I would say to him, if given the chance, is this…

“I think you’re amazing. I think that you’re beautiful. I think that you are one of the most talented people that I’ve ever met. I want to know you. I want to know all of you including the darkest parts, the brightest parts and the scariest parts. I have no judgement for you. I just want to get closer to see if this is more than just a sexual attraction. I came to you with my walls down, for the friend that I wanted you to be but with my heart closed because that’s the person that I am.

I will never hurt you. I will never tell your secrets. I will never do harm to you. I will always be loyal and kind and be proud of you. I will support you and help in any way that I can with any dream that you have. I’ve seen you vulnerable and I’ve seen you hurt and I just want to be able to tell you one day that I’ve seen through your broken bits and see the real you. I wish that you came out to play more.

I said to you once that I never expected something different out of this “ship” of ours and while that’s true. I do not have any expectations, I also don’t want to waste my time if there is no possibility of more in the future. I could fall for you. If I keep doing this I will probably fall for you at the right time. You have to give me a reason to open my heart to you as more than a friend instead of putting your walls back up.

I’m not asking for anything now from you. You’re not ready. I’m not ready but I’m asking that you SHOW me the love you said you already had for me. Words without actions are just bullshit. You’ve said before that you’re all about love but your actions are more about the hate that you reflect from others or from the damage you’ve sustained from others.

You don’t know my story. You don’t know the things about me that make me so closed off. You only know pieces of me which were salted in other stories. We didn’t meet by accident. This isn’t a mistake. We’re in each others lives to help not hurt, to protect, for loyalty and peace.

If none of this makes sense to you then tell me now. Let me protect myself BEFORE my heart gets involved. I’m not looking for someone to save me. I’m not looking for a husband or a father. I’m not looking to marry you or to live with you. I’m not looking for anything but a true friend and a lover with the possibility of more.

I don’t know. Maybe you’re a collector. Maybe you have a jar of hearts sitting next to your bed to capture all the hearts of the women loved you because of the people that didn’t. Maybe I’m just an idiot to consider this. Or maybe just maybe this could actually work out. Who knows when I’ll even see you again or which you you’ll be when I do. What I do know is that time is fleeting and I just don’t want to waste it.”

But instead of saying all of that, because guys don’t listen anyway, this is what I say:

“…”

Nite xXx

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My weird life and other randomness…

These last couple weeks have been strange but again, that’s normal in my not so normal life. There’s been a lot of going out and a lot of meeting people but aside from that there’s been lots of drama. If you’ve been here (my blog) before you’ll know that I don’t usually cause the drama but am somehow in the middle of it while trying to push myself to the closest door to get away from it. Apparently, that’s not been working.

So first I’ll start with last week. I get a text from my brother making sure I knew what was going on. I had been immersed in work and had no idea what he was talking about but quickly found out that my father had been taken to the ER, then passed out, then taken and been admitted into another hospital. At this point everyone was racing around trying to figure out what to do. I was advised to stay where I was until further notice depending on the outcome of whatever the hospital had to say.

In usual fashion, where family is concerned, I was getting different stories, weird updates and disheartening news. The outcome was not going to be good. I had already told my boss that I would be leaving at some point and he’d have to just deal with things himself. By Thursday I was on the road. At this point I had been told my father was in heart, renal and kidney failure and someone was even kind enough to say, “This will be the first Christmas without him”.

My father and I have always had a weird, non-relationship. We’ve never really had a conversation that lasted longer than five uncomfortable minutes and he wasn’t a nice man growing up. With all that said, I’ve learned a lot from him. I am the person I am in business and my wit and business savvy has come from him. I was uneasy about how to feel about all of this but did have a couple cry moments which were unexpected.

The 2 and a half hour drive was cathartic and preparative. When I finally got to my brothers I was met by my sister-in-law and mother and was told that after almost five days my father was able to go home. But he’d be on, basically, hospice care from then on. In case you’re unsure what that is, it’s when someone is sent home to prepare to pass away. Yep, it’s not a pretty thing.

So we went to the hospital and I saw my dad which was weird because, growing up he was this larger than life, dynamic man that I was scared to death of and now he’s just small and frail and looks like he’s given up. I won’t understand what it’s like to be him and I get that but also, he was being so cruel to my mother. She is his only caretaker and I was having a hard time holding my tongue but realizing why he was doing it didn’t make it easier.

After just a day at my brothers I came home the next day and my brother, sister-in-law and niece came to me to visit for a day. We had a blast going to a museum, aquarium and to a nice dinner. They actually all stayed at my place that night and made my small apartment seem even smaller but it worked out. After we got home and everyone went to sleep, I stayed up and chatted with a friend for hours. I think I ended up going to sleep around 3 am and waking up around 6 am not being able to go back to sleep. I kept quiet until my niece popped her head out around 8. We cleaned up and went to brunch then they were on their way home.

I tried to sleep after that but am having a hard time sleeping lately, more than I normally do. Nothing seems to be helping me sleep these days. I just can’t shut my mind off at night. Even during the day if I try to nap my mind is racing like a fucking motorway. There’s so much going on in my world and my head that I can’t work it out. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin again and getting that itchy feeling to run away. I know I say that a lot but one day I’m actually going to do it. I wish that there was something that was truly keeping me here in this place. I just can’t seem to feel comfortable anymore. I’m either out way too much, doing too much or I’m not doing enough. I’m not really talking to anyone these days about my life or how I’m feeling which also, isn’t new.

There is one distraction from time to time and that’s the drummer. I’m happy when we’re together, especially when we’re at his place and it’s just about us and music or even in silence or moaning. But I’m not sure that this is the best thing for me. He’s a great distraction from my life and he’s not complicated. The relationship isn’t complicated. But I think he’s starting to feel too comfortable in this space we’re in that he doesn’t really try like he did in the beginning. I’ve given up on friends for less but he’s my only distraction right now. He’s a good one and I’m enjoying things I’ve dropped 7 potentials because none of them make me feel happy or as happy as when I’m around the drummer and I only have one FWB’s at a time.

If someone comes along and I feel some sort of connection to them then things might change but since I meet new people everyday and that connection is few and far between it appears that I might have to just live in this purgatory space for a while. I’m used to purgatory I guess. It’s where I’ve lived most of my life. I just wish for something amazing soon, something unexpected, something that I’m happily surprised about. I’m so over purgatory. I’m so over being disappointed or unsurprised. Maybe I need a new happy place. And now we’re back to running away again.

I’d love to take a trip soon. Maybe just go be out in nature for a couple days. I imagine the quiet calm of a forest or some shit… I don’t know maybe I’ll just go on a hike. I need to find some peace. That’s all. My mind is all over the place again and I’m losing my focus so that’s it for me today, in the middle of the day, which is weird. I’m such a night writer. Hope your in your happy place today… xXx

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