Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.

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Secrets and lies… Which is worse?

This weekend didn’t go as expected at all. In fact it took a turn for the worst yesterday evening. The weekend was going well. I was having fun and but in one single moment Saturday night, things went spiraling down after a one worded answer.

I know that sounds vague but it’s someone else’s truth and not mine to tell but it was something that brought back a world of secrets from last year. I hadn’t actually planned on telling anyone what happened last year that brought me to my lowest point ever but in a moment of pure emotion it just came out.

It should have been a happy moment but in truth it just reminded me of the things that I don’t have in my life. It brought back pain and a terrible feeling of just how alone I felt last year and that I’m not much further than I was this time last year. Have I really boxed myself in so deep that nothing will penetrate this anymore?

So do I just put it on another list of things that I need to work on? Is it possible to get passed all the past? Is it likely that I will actually let someone in ever again? Did things get so messed up that I just feel like I’m entirely alone? On the other side of the coin, if this is how I’ve operated my entire life is it ok for someone to be angry with me because I have my secrets? There mine to tell or not to tell right?

I’ve tried to talk about stuff whether in therapy or to someone and it’s never made things better in my opinion. In fact, most times it just makes it worse because then whoever you tell just is allowed to reference that whenever they want or ask questions about things.

These are the romantic relationship moments where I’d be crying and telling my “other half” about what went wrong and they’d be listening intently and at the end of it all they’d know to either offer their opinion or to just shut up and hold me tight. I need a mature and strong man to be with to help me through the moments like I’m having now.

I tried to go out tonight and take my mind off things, which it did for a moment. But then I come back home and it’s the reminisce of the beginning of the weekend that just make me feel more alone and sad. I then took a long shower that boiled my skin just to feel something else, did my skincare routine and sat down at the computer to type except I found myself googling jobs in other cities, in other states. I’m well aware that leaving behind a city doesn’t allow you to leave behind your problems but it’s something new. It’s a start.

I’m not even sure, at this point, that I care where I end up. Any city in any other state would make me happy right now or at least in my mind it will. There is nothing left for me here. I could get another job anywhere else. I don’t have any romantic connections here.

I actually submitted my resume to some places that I never thought I’d move to. Maybe one day I’ll actually run away and find something happy, something that I haven’t found in a very long time. I am one hundred percent sure that my time here is done. Coming to the realization that there’s nothing left here for me is a hard truth to accept but maybe one that I’ve needed to realize for a very long time.

Oh what a boring, lonely, mess I’ve made for myself with no idea how to clean things up. There’s only one thing that would make me stay and that’s finding some comfort and safety in someone. Problem with that is that there’s none in sight for even just a brief glimmer of hope on that front.

Tonight I am thoroughly convinced that I’m living someone else’s life. If this was a movie we’d be at the part where I’d find some worth while meaning helping someone else, or I’ve meet a man in the grocery store, or I’d cut my hair, change my name and move to some remote town in Utah as if I was being witness protection plan relocated. Except it’s not a movie. This is my life right now and I’m entirely unsure what to do next or where things went wrong.

Is there such a thing as a male order groom? That seems cruel to say where there’s one man in my life that’s never given up on me and wants to make me happy but he’s never been my comfort or my safety but he does treat me with some amazing respect.

I have new skills that will help me from staying in this dark hole that I’ve just been thrown back into so maybe that’s why I’m not too worried about getting myself back out into the light but I have to say that there’s a strange comfort is feeling like this again. I suppose it’s primarily because I’ve been here before but also because it feels like maybe I deserve it again.

I’m unsure which direction to go in because I have no map and nothing that even resembles direction. Today I’m having a hard time believing in fate or karma or anything that tells me I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I believe right now, if anything at all. I just wish I didn’t feel this entirely alone.

It’s way too quiet in here tonight and all it does is leave me with thought which just make me sad. Hopefully sleep will be some sort of medication that I need. We shall see. This is the part, in my movie, where I drop to my knees and ask God for some sort of sigh that will lead me to the next part of my life with the next person in my life. The difference this time is that I know my prayers will be unanswered.

It’s a gloomy night tonight which actually fits right in with my emotions. I hope someone in this universe is listening tonight and if you are sad and feeling alone maybe it’ll be some sort of comfort to you that I feel the exact same way right now so I guess we can both feel alone together.

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Full moon for full emotions…

Yesterday, well over the last week or so has had a sobering effect on me. First, I am grateful for this out. My blog has saved me from saying things that some people should never know. I’m not a cold hearted person but keeping all my secrets leads me to blow up at times which is what happened yesterday. I needed the secrecy of this blog and the anonymity. As much as I am hurt beyond words, I would still never hurt him intentionally.

Today only proved that I was right though. There really is no way of working this out because he doesn’t want to and I’ve said all I needed to say. And yet with all that said I am the only one still talking about it, crying about it and being hurt over it. I guess we’ve just been broken for way too long and seeing that he’s so much happier not around me just cements this. Actually what truly cemented this is that he was never willing to work on this. I think it just all became clear over this weekend. I’m grateful for the clarity but am disgusted at how he must always prove my deepest thoughts true.

Now, with the full moon about it tends to draw everything to a head and pull out emotions that were burred for a long time. For me, that was every emotion. I’ve never been as mad, angry or upset with anyone in my life as I have with him. But you can’t love enough for two.

My journey from this point forward will be hard and I will have my breakdowns but there’s officially nothing left to do nor say at this point. I wish it never came to this so all I have left to do is take away anything that makes me think of him, any future plans are now gone and any things of his will be gone.

Just when it feels as though this world is shit you’re supposed to be able to rely on your friends to be there for you but he’ll never understand the smallest effort that he had to put in. I know for a fact that he doesn’t treat anyone else like this or he’d have no friends. I don’t even want to know why anymore. The only thing I need to do now is finish out this year and then everything changes. There will be no more posts about him. I am done. So just bare with me one last time so I can fully get things out of my system and hopefully none of this will ever be repeated again because my heart can’t take this again.

Sorry to the new guy but he’s out. And sorry to the next boy because my wall is even thicker than before. That is a coping mechanism of which I thought I’d never have to put up again but it seems as though I was wrong. I would never discourage anyone else from loving someone with their entire being, heart and soul. It appears it just doesn’t work for me. Good luck out there… We all need it.

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Grace, denial and other thoughts swimming in my head tonight…

Compliments… They are a necessary thing or they should be. When I meet a new person I try to compliment at least one thing to make them feel good. It’s actually a sales technique. Tonight, sitting with friends for dinner, we were on the last part of the evening. I was being embarrassed by compliments. I was being told that I was graceful and had some sort of old time elegant and right at that moment I spilled my ginger ale all over myself, the table and the floor. If that’s not irony I’m not sure what is then.

But that’s mostly my life. Just when there’s something good happening it is usually followed by something at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the new guy. This is a perfect example. Just when I decide to move things along and to commit, he’s has to stay in California longer. This concludes me to the following thoughts: First, I am now completely aware as to why he’s single. Second, I now understand why the friend that was required for us to meet was so meticulous in telling me about how the new guys work consumes him. Is this my red flag? Another week to dwell on my thoughts instead of jumping right in? What exactly does fate have in store?

His vocal conversations with me are still appreciated and I’ve shared as much (or as little) as I care to prior to seeing him again. I am also a big fan of following your dreams and helping others follow theirs. For the people I hold the closest to me I would travel the world to help with whatever they needed. He’s no yet in that circle but we shall see.

The conversation last night was nice. We talked about music a lot. I explained to him that music was the first love of my life and it never hurt me. Nothing could really follow that. Of course that brought up the other loves our lives conversation and that’s where I chose to be a bit more silent. You can impress me with your knowledge of LP, Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth but don’t ask questions that you’re not willing to know the answers to yet. That is just my thoughts.

On another note, yesterday was supposed to be THE friend and my “weekly night”. We’d skipped the week before for his reasons and if you read my posts you’ll see that I wasn’t happy about it. I’ve said this before as well, I don’t mind canceling plans. Things change, shit happens. What I mind is how it was done but that’s a story for another night.

So this time around he’d actually texted quite a bit early than normal which I appreciate but I declined the offer. The reasons I told him were all true. I WAS planning on sleeping early and I did wake up feeling like I’d French kissed a freight train. But I knew as the day went on that I’d feel better. My reasoning also had nothing to do with the night before… Well, I’m not sure if it did.

I feel like there’s so much between us that’s unresolved, like there’s just this wall. I knew that I didn’t have the energy to sit there and try to ignore the fact that he would be ignoring me again or that we have those unresolved things between us. I also knew that we wouldn’t talk about them because even on the ONE occasion that HE wanted to get together to come to some sort of compromise he’d came over and still completely ignored the issues. I can’t do that nor can I sit idly by while he was laughing with friends over social media all while not even acknowledging my presents.

And here’s the thing. I knew that I’d be sad to have not seen him but later on my GBF had sent me a text and said, “So do you have company there?” My GBF has never met him, of course, but he knows that there is someone here on Sunday’s. I’d replied to him by saying “No I told him another night”. He also knows that THE friend and I are going though ‘something’ Because this is several Sunday’s in a row that I’ve chosen that night to go out to dinner with my GBF instead of not making plans so I could get in the right frame of mind to see THE friend.

Since my GBF doesn’t know much of our story he’s always rooted for THE friend and I to work things out. The GBF knows that THE friend used to make me so very happy that he liked that in him. So after a little bit of encouraging “you’ll work things out” messages I said, “the kid wants easy. Apparently I’m not easy enough.” Then to follow it up I also said something that I realize is an epiphany that I’ve subconsciously know for a long time. I said, “I’m happier alone tonight than if he was sitting right next to me ignoring me.”

That was one of those things that I was so afraid of admitting to myself. I was always scared to break plans knowing that I’d be the one who was upset and crying at the end of the night because it was more important to just have him in my space at that very moment. See, there’s that damn fear again stopping me from doing something that needed to be done.

But now, I realize that he can have his Sunday’s back to give to another girl who he can actually talk to. Who he doesn’t ignore and who he treats so much better than me. I have finally released him from any obligation that he seems to think he has. He no longer has to feel as though he has to keep an appointment with someone that he so obviously has nothing to say to.

In a very deep space inside my heart I felt like he would feel the tension between us and realize that we are broken. Not me but the ship we’ve have together is broken but I felt like if it truly mattered then he’s fight. He’d fight for it like I used to fight for it. There’s a reason why people say that they need to spend “quality time” together and not just time. Just showing up is no longer good enough.

The entire thought of this brings tears to my eyes because there’s nothing left in me to fight and there was never any in him to fight. I barely have the energy to breath on some days let alone hold on to a failing relationship when the other person has always, already had both feet out of it. I’m not the girl that chases after you. It’s just that simple. And now I realize that being alone is always better than being with someone and being ignored. It’s come to this. That is sad because I would still do anything for THE friend who thought of me as nothing.

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Making plans and smashing them all at once…

You know how I feel about scheduled fun. It’s usually not that fun. So over the last couple days I had plans but by the time I really thought about them I didn’t want to do any of them. My mood is probably better than it should be though and I’m not sure why. Truth is right now I’m looking forward to some cooler weather because it’ll give me a chance to one with a blanket on my couch. Heat up some crock pot chili or something and not really expect much out of life.

Do I think that’s how life will go this weekend? I have no idea but I’d be happy if it did. Meeting someone new is great. I like the “getting to know you” stuff. I like the excitement of everything but it’s also exhausting. There’s something to be said about relationships that you don’t have to think much about but they just happen and you know each other and your comfortable. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact that seems to ring true right now.

I actually do have stuff that I actually do need to do but none of that seems really appealing right now. I don’t really have the energy to get all painted and pretty to see the new guy but that doesn’t mean that his appeal is any less. I just want a few carefree few days of not trying to impress someone else. Does that make sense?

My BFF and I got to chat a little bit more than normal tonight which hasn’t happened in a while. It was mainly about work and family. She doesn’t know about the new guy yet because, as you all know, I like to keep my relationships secret until they serious. Like walking down the isle serious. She doesn’t think that’s right but she also knows that I probably won’t change much about that. It’s only life right?

I guess I’m in a happy funk, if that makes sense. I’m not entirely sad but I’m not perfectly happy. Maybe waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. Works been crazy. I miss the days when I was just an office assistant when I was 17 or so. Course even then I did way more than my job title suggested and now that I own a bit of something it’s an entirely different ball game.

I’m kind of all over the place tonight and I know that. I just can’t seem to think in a straight line right now or get a decent nights sleep. The other day my GBF’s sister tried to help me out by giving me something to help me sleep. I took it and the next thing I knew I’d woken up at 2 pm the next day. Whoops but I made a crap-load of money for the company the day before so I didn’t feel that bad about it. I’d even missed a phone call from one of our investors who’s wanted to do business with me on my non-profit idea but just haven’t found the energy to call him back.

This is probably the time in my life that I need a life coach. I need someone to tell me to wake up early, exercise, get to work, go home, exercise more, eat dinner, take a long hot bath, go to bed early… But no. I have no little voices inside my head telling me what to do. That could either be a good thing for a bad thing. I’m not sure which is better right now.

Is it weird that I actually want someone to tell me what to do? I mean I’ve never really had that so I guess I’m craving that in some weird way. I guess I can understand that logic. So maybe if I write it then it shall happen… That seems to be the way things are going these days. We shall see.

That’s all I got for now. I thought if I wrote out something tonight I’d be more inclined to sleep but I have a feeling that might not work like that. I think I might actually be a bit sadder than when I started this. And this is why I don’t share things with friends much, because I sound like a crazy person.

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