Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.

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Secrets and lies… Which is worse?

This weekend didn’t go as expected at all. In fact it took a turn for the worst yesterday evening. The weekend was going well. I was having fun and but in one single moment Saturday night, things went spiraling down after a one worded answer.

I know that sounds vague but it’s someone else’s truth and not mine to tell but it was something that brought back a world of secrets from last year. I hadn’t actually planned on telling anyone what happened last year that brought me to my lowest point ever but in a moment of pure emotion it just came out.

It should have been a happy moment but in truth it just reminded me of the things that I don’t have in my life. It brought back pain and a terrible feeling of just how alone I felt last year and that I’m not much further than I was this time last year. Have I really boxed myself in so deep that nothing will penetrate this anymore?

So do I just put it on another list of things that I need to work on? Is it possible to get passed all the past? Is it likely that I will actually let someone in ever again? Did things get so messed up that I just feel like I’m entirely alone? On the other side of the coin, if this is how I’ve operated my entire life is it ok for someone to be angry with me because I have my secrets? There mine to tell or not to tell right?

I’ve tried to talk about stuff whether in therapy or to someone and it’s never made things better in my opinion. In fact, most times it just makes it worse because then whoever you tell just is allowed to reference that whenever they want or ask questions about things.

These are the romantic relationship moments where I’d be crying and telling my “other half” about what went wrong and they’d be listening intently and at the end of it all they’d know to either offer their opinion or to just shut up and hold me tight. I need a mature and strong man to be with to help me through the moments like I’m having now.

I tried to go out tonight and take my mind off things, which it did for a moment. But then I come back home and it’s the reminisce of the beginning of the weekend that just make me feel more alone and sad. I then took a long shower that boiled my skin just to feel something else, did my skincare routine and sat down at the computer to type except I found myself googling jobs in other cities, in other states. I’m well aware that leaving behind a city doesn’t allow you to leave behind your problems but it’s something new. It’s a start.

I’m not even sure, at this point, that I care where I end up. Any city in any other state would make me happy right now or at least in my mind it will. There is nothing left for me here. I could get another job anywhere else. I don’t have any romantic connections here.

I actually submitted my resume to some places that I never thought I’d move to. Maybe one day I’ll actually run away and find something happy, something that I haven’t found in a very long time. I am one hundred percent sure that my time here is done. Coming to the realization that there’s nothing left here for me is a hard truth to accept but maybe one that I’ve needed to realize for a very long time.

Oh what a boring, lonely, mess I’ve made for myself with no idea how to clean things up. There’s only one thing that would make me stay and that’s finding some comfort and safety in someone. Problem with that is that there’s none in sight for even just a brief glimmer of hope on that front.

Tonight I am thoroughly convinced that I’m living someone else’s life. If this was a movie we’d be at the part where I’d find some worth while meaning helping someone else, or I’ve meet a man in the grocery store, or I’d cut my hair, change my name and move to some remote town in Utah as if I was being witness protection plan relocated. Except it’s not a movie. This is my life right now and I’m entirely unsure what to do next or where things went wrong.

Is there such a thing as a male order groom? That seems cruel to say where there’s one man in my life that’s never given up on me and wants to make me happy but he’s never been my comfort or my safety but he does treat me with some amazing respect.

I have new skills that will help me from staying in this dark hole that I’ve just been thrown back into so maybe that’s why I’m not too worried about getting myself back out into the light but I have to say that there’s a strange comfort is feeling like this again. I suppose it’s primarily because I’ve been here before but also because it feels like maybe I deserve it again.

I’m unsure which direction to go in because I have no map and nothing that even resembles direction. Today I’m having a hard time believing in fate or karma or anything that tells me I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I believe right now, if anything at all. I just wish I didn’t feel this entirely alone.

It’s way too quiet in here tonight and all it does is leave me with thought which just make me sad. Hopefully sleep will be some sort of medication that I need. We shall see. This is the part, in my movie, where I drop to my knees and ask God for some sort of sigh that will lead me to the next part of my life with the next person in my life. The difference this time is that I know my prayers will be unanswered.

It’s a gloomy night tonight which actually fits right in with my emotions. I hope someone in this universe is listening tonight and if you are sad and feeling alone maybe it’ll be some sort of comfort to you that I feel the exact same way right now so I guess we can both feel alone together.

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Full moon for full emotions…

Yesterday, well over the last week or so has had a sobering effect on me. First, I am grateful for this out. My blog has saved me from saying things that some people should never know. I’m not a cold hearted person but keeping all my secrets leads me to blow up at times which is what happened yesterday. I needed the secrecy of this blog and the anonymity. As much as I am hurt beyond words, I would still never hurt him intentionally.

Today only proved that I was right though. There really is no way of working this out because he doesn’t want to and I’ve said all I needed to say. And yet with all that said I am the only one still talking about it, crying about it and being hurt over it. I guess we’ve just been broken for way too long and seeing that he’s so much happier not around me just cements this. Actually what truly cemented this is that he was never willing to work on this. I think it just all became clear over this weekend. I’m grateful for the clarity but am disgusted at how he must always prove my deepest thoughts true.

Now, with the full moon about it tends to draw everything to a head and pull out emotions that were burred for a long time. For me, that was every emotion. I’ve never been as mad, angry or upset with anyone in my life as I have with him. But you can’t love enough for two.

My journey from this point forward will be hard and I will have my breakdowns but there’s officially nothing left to do nor say at this point. I wish it never came to this so all I have left to do is take away anything that makes me think of him, any future plans are now gone and any things of his will be gone.

Just when it feels as though this world is shit you’re supposed to be able to rely on your friends to be there for you but he’ll never understand the smallest effort that he had to put in. I know for a fact that he doesn’t treat anyone else like this or he’d have no friends. I don’t even want to know why anymore. The only thing I need to do now is finish out this year and then everything changes. There will be no more posts about him. I am done. So just bare with me one last time so I can fully get things out of my system and hopefully none of this will ever be repeated again because my heart can’t take this again.

Sorry to the new guy but he’s out. And sorry to the next boy because my wall is even thicker than before. That is a coping mechanism of which I thought I’d never have to put up again but it seems as though I was wrong. I would never discourage anyone else from loving someone with their entire being, heart and soul. It appears it just doesn’t work for me. Good luck out there… We all need it.

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Grace, denial and other thoughts swimming in my head tonight…

Compliments… They are a necessary thing or they should be. When I meet a new person I try to compliment at least one thing to make them feel good. It’s actually a sales technique. Tonight, sitting with friends for dinner, we were on the last part of the evening. I was being embarrassed by compliments. I was being told that I was graceful and had some sort of old time elegant and right at that moment I spilled my ginger ale all over myself, the table and the floor. If that’s not irony I’m not sure what is then.

But that’s mostly my life. Just when there’s something good happening it is usually followed by something at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the new guy. This is a perfect example. Just when I decide to move things along and to commit, he’s has to stay in California longer. This concludes me to the following thoughts: First, I am now completely aware as to why he’s single. Second, I now understand why the friend that was required for us to meet was so meticulous in telling me about how the new guys work consumes him. Is this my red flag? Another week to dwell on my thoughts instead of jumping right in? What exactly does fate have in store?

His vocal conversations with me are still appreciated and I’ve shared as much (or as little) as I care to prior to seeing him again. I am also a big fan of following your dreams and helping others follow theirs. For the people I hold the closest to me I would travel the world to help with whatever they needed. He’s no yet in that circle but we shall see.

The conversation last night was nice. We talked about music a lot. I explained to him that music was the first love of my life and it never hurt me. Nothing could really follow that. Of course that brought up the other loves our lives conversation and that’s where I chose to be a bit more silent. You can impress me with your knowledge of LP, Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth but don’t ask questions that you’re not willing to know the answers to yet. That is just my thoughts.

On another note, yesterday was supposed to be THE friend and my “weekly night”. We’d skipped the week before for his reasons and if you read my posts you’ll see that I wasn’t happy about it. I’ve said this before as well, I don’t mind canceling plans. Things change, shit happens. What I mind is how it was done but that’s a story for another night.

So this time around he’d actually texted quite a bit early than normal which I appreciate but I declined the offer. The reasons I told him were all true. I WAS planning on sleeping early and I did wake up feeling like I’d French kissed a freight train. But I knew as the day went on that I’d feel better. My reasoning also had nothing to do with the night before… Well, I’m not sure if it did.

I feel like there’s so much between us that’s unresolved, like there’s just this wall. I knew that I didn’t have the energy to sit there and try to ignore the fact that he would be ignoring me again or that we have those unresolved things between us. I also knew that we wouldn’t talk about them because even on the ONE occasion that HE wanted to get together to come to some sort of compromise he’d came over and still completely ignored the issues. I can’t do that nor can I sit idly by while he was laughing with friends over social media all while not even acknowledging my presents.

And here’s the thing. I knew that I’d be sad to have not seen him but later on my GBF had sent me a text and said, “So do you have company there?” My GBF has never met him, of course, but he knows that there is someone here on Sunday’s. I’d replied to him by saying “No I told him another night”. He also knows that THE friend and I are going though ‘something’ Because this is several Sunday’s in a row that I’ve chosen that night to go out to dinner with my GBF instead of not making plans so I could get in the right frame of mind to see THE friend.

Since my GBF doesn’t know much of our story he’s always rooted for THE friend and I to work things out. The GBF knows that THE friend used to make me so very happy that he liked that in him. So after a little bit of encouraging “you’ll work things out” messages I said, “the kid wants easy. Apparently I’m not easy enough.” Then to follow it up I also said something that I realize is an epiphany that I’ve subconsciously know for a long time. I said, “I’m happier alone tonight than if he was sitting right next to me ignoring me.”

That was one of those things that I was so afraid of admitting to myself. I was always scared to break plans knowing that I’d be the one who was upset and crying at the end of the night because it was more important to just have him in my space at that very moment. See, there’s that damn fear again stopping me from doing something that needed to be done.

But now, I realize that he can have his Sunday’s back to give to another girl who he can actually talk to. Who he doesn’t ignore and who he treats so much better than me. I have finally released him from any obligation that he seems to think he has. He no longer has to feel as though he has to keep an appointment with someone that he so obviously has nothing to say to.

In a very deep space inside my heart I felt like he would feel the tension between us and realize that we are broken. Not me but the ship we’ve have together is broken but I felt like if it truly mattered then he’s fight. He’d fight for it like I used to fight for it. There’s a reason why people say that they need to spend “quality time” together and not just time. Just showing up is no longer good enough.

The entire thought of this brings tears to my eyes because there’s nothing left in me to fight and there was never any in him to fight. I barely have the energy to breath on some days let alone hold on to a failing relationship when the other person has always, already had both feet out of it. I’m not the girl that chases after you. It’s just that simple. And now I realize that being alone is always better than being with someone and being ignored. It’s come to this. That is sad because I would still do anything for THE friend who thought of me as nothing.

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Early weekend posting, just some thoughts…

For some reason I had the desire to write something in the middle of my Saturday. It’s going to be a busy weekend. There’s three festivals that are going on and I’m going to all plus it should be a late night and I’m looking forward to each and every single bit of it. There will be lots of things to do, lots of places to go and lots of friends to see.

Whiling planning my weekend I was still a bit upset over the happenings of what happened the other day with THE friend until I realized something. I’d still not gotten a reply to my emotional heartfelt text I’d sent but about 12 minutes after I’d sent that his conversation was so far down on my texts because so many others had sent messages about getting together, having dinner, making plans or just to see what was up and how my day was going, that I didn’t even see it any longer. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about it but still realizing that I was giving it way more thought that he was so what’s the point.

Then, after just having complained that all he does is come over eat my food and ignore me, I see his shopping list for me. Um, no. So let me get this straight… You couldn’t care less to text me back. You ate my last of everything that I like to eat. You don’t want to do anything but stair at my TV or computer. You never want to do anything fun, keep any promise you’ve said to me or even consider me enough of a friend to have a fucking conversation with…. After what I’ve done and keep doing. Are you serious?

So it literally comes down to this. He’d rather spend time with others making some sort of social media memories but when it comes to this friendship he treats it the absolute worst that I’ve ever been treated and then he still expects me to buy his groceries, keep him fed and I’m the only one that’s remotely bothered, upset or emotional about it.

It is official. I have finally reached my limit. I have finally realized that this one sided friendship does absolutely nothing for me any longer. I’ve never been as honest with another human being as I have with him. I’ve never been as forgiving and kind with another human being as him and for some stupid reason I’ve assumed that his lack of care and concern for me was because I actually didn’t do enough. I’d taken his feelings into consideration so many times and thought them more important than my own thinking, at some point, things would change. I’d excused his actions away so many times but it just hit me like a brick that he treats everyone else better than he does me. That’s is a maddening fact to actually start to realize and yes it’s hurtful. When I think about it too much I feel like my heart is being ripped open or stabbed.

I’m sure I need to asked my therapist why this was so important to me to believe that there was a point to this and that I wasn’t just done with it all so long ago when I realized that this meant nothing to him. I’m still not a person who believes it’s ok to speak badly about someone to our mutual friends and if they ever ask about him I will still give them all the same answer, “I don’t know. You’d know more than I would”.

We’ll be done, he’ll get to walk away from this relationship that he treats so poorly with a cash bonus of anything that I’ve ever done and he’s never paid back and he’ll have his once a month appointment open again to go find some other woman that he can treat better than me. I’ll stop feeling like I’ve not done enough, like I’m not good enough and I’ll stop feeling like I don’t matter because I’m the only one crying over this shit or ship.

Now that is out of my system I’m going to finish getting ready, put on a smile and go be out in the world with friends that matter. I’m looking forward to a full weekend with true friends, good times and days that don’t end in me in my bedroom with the door closed crying over someone that was the most important to all while being the least important thing to him.

This blog was never supposed to be about the man who repeatedly broke my heart. It was always about me finding a man that held it love and care. That’s all about to change now. I am at peace with my decision and will finally break this cycle. I’m off to have a blessed weekend.

If you take nothing else from this, please treat EVERYONE with love, care and importance. Even when someone treats you poorly just smile, pray for them and move on. It certainly feels like a different day today. Maybe my horoscope was right this morning.

I couldn’t actually choose just one quote to post so I’m posting the one’s the hurt the most.

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Making plans and smashing them all at once…

You know how I feel about scheduled fun. It’s usually not that fun. So over the last couple days I had plans but by the time I really thought about them I didn’t want to do any of them. My mood is probably better than it should be though and I’m not sure why. Truth is right now I’m looking forward to some cooler weather because it’ll give me a chance to one with a blanket on my couch. Heat up some crock pot chili or something and not really expect much out of life.

Do I think that’s how life will go this weekend? I have no idea but I’d be happy if it did. Meeting someone new is great. I like the “getting to know you” stuff. I like the excitement of everything but it’s also exhausting. There’s something to be said about relationships that you don’t have to think much about but they just happen and you know each other and your comfortable. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact that seems to ring true right now.

I actually do have stuff that I actually do need to do but none of that seems really appealing right now. I don’t really have the energy to get all painted and pretty to see the new guy but that doesn’t mean that his appeal is any less. I just want a few carefree few days of not trying to impress someone else. Does that make sense?

My BFF and I got to chat a little bit more than normal tonight which hasn’t happened in a while. It was mainly about work and family. She doesn’t know about the new guy yet because, as you all know, I like to keep my relationships secret until they serious. Like walking down the isle serious. She doesn’t think that’s right but she also knows that I probably won’t change much about that. It’s only life right?

I guess I’m in a happy funk, if that makes sense. I’m not entirely sad but I’m not perfectly happy. Maybe waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. Works been crazy. I miss the days when I was just an office assistant when I was 17 or so. Course even then I did way more than my job title suggested and now that I own a bit of something it’s an entirely different ball game.

I’m kind of all over the place tonight and I know that. I just can’t seem to think in a straight line right now or get a decent nights sleep. The other day my GBF’s sister tried to help me out by giving me something to help me sleep. I took it and the next thing I knew I’d woken up at 2 pm the next day. Whoops but I made a crap-load of money for the company the day before so I didn’t feel that bad about it. I’d even missed a phone call from one of our investors who’s wanted to do business with me on my non-profit idea but just haven’t found the energy to call him back.

This is probably the time in my life that I need a life coach. I need someone to tell me to wake up early, exercise, get to work, go home, exercise more, eat dinner, take a long hot bath, go to bed early… But no. I have no little voices inside my head telling me what to do. That could either be a good thing for a bad thing. I’m not sure which is better right now.

Is it weird that I actually want someone to tell me what to do? I mean I’ve never really had that so I guess I’m craving that in some weird way. I guess I can understand that logic. So maybe if I write it then it shall happen… That seems to be the way things are going these days. We shall see.

That’s all I got for now. I thought if I wrote out something tonight I’d be more inclined to sleep but I have a feeling that might not work like that. I think I might actually be a bit sadder than when I started this. And this is why I don’t share things with friends much, because I sound like a crazy person.

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The simplest explanation is the best…

I’m still a bit saddened by yesterdays events which I wish I wasn’t but I can’t lie to you all. After all the times I’ve said “I’m done” or at least that I was done being upset about stuff it’s just not that easy to shut things off. All day today, in between the laughter and jokes and good times my mind goes back to why I’m so upset about the whole situation with THE friend and my conclusion was this.

Occam’s Razor – the simplest explanation is usually the best.

For years now I’ve had little voices in my head that used to tell me the things that I suppose I wanted to hear about the out come of his and my relationship. I would explain away the bad things by saying things like, “Oh he’s just scare or insecure or shy about his feelings”. “Oh he did that because of this” or whatever. But the truth is the simplest explanation is the only one that I can even focus on. If he’s mean, rude or shitty to me it’s only because he doesn’t care enough to not be. Period. End of story.

There’s two problems with this. One, I’ve spent a long time and a lot of energy believing the hardest explanation is the truth because it was the only one that made me feel better about it. It was the only way that I’d end up being ok with him making me feel the way that I do. Now, since there’s no hope at all with the hardest explanation being the truth it puts things into perspective like it has never before. Second, almost every other time that we’ve had issues or problems or I was feeling like I was being treated like a piece of shit I got visited by his mother in my dreams and once, even his sister. Each time they told me things that put hope back into a relationship that seemed like there wasn’t any. Each time they made me understand that it wasn’t me but him that was there was something wrong with and each time they made me believe that there was a point to all of this above and beyond feeling like I didn’t deserve anything better from him.

So how does that play out now? Well, I’ve not seen any dreams like those and I’ve not been visited by any family members telling me to keep trying and believe me I’ve wished for them to come. I suppose that I really have to come to terms with the fact that it really doesn’t even matter anymore.

The other part of this that I’ve been thinking about is that I’m not a difficult person to get along with or to keep content. I don’t ask for much in return. Since I don’t ask for much in return it’s only fair to assume that it shouldn’t be hard to give me a tiny bit of what I need. But that’s obviously not the case. I often think, “seriously, how are you supposed to have a lasting meaningful relationship with the opposite sex if you can’t even do the simplest things for or with me that have never been asking too much”.

I mentioned yesterday that I’ve passed up opportunities to date or hang with others because I’ve always made him #1 priority when I shouldn’t have and realized that he’s literally NEVER passed up an opportunity to date any else without ever even considering the option that we might have worked out on some level if only for a short time. I’m am sorry to every single man that I ever passed up because I thought they weren’t worth it. I’m not sorry that I don’t give myself away as freely as he does though. I’m honestly tired so very tired of hearing all the stories from people about how freely he has been. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I was just a notch on his bed post “just because he was bored one night”.

I used to wish he would just get drunk one night and tell me he hates me and that hearing that would have just made me say, “Okay, I’m done now. Now I know how you really feel. Thank you for your honesty. Have a great life. I wish you well”. That would have actually felt better than years of showing me that he does instead and having some part of me explain his actions away and continuing to open a wound that should have never been caused in the first place.

It really doesn’t matter that you tell someone “I prioritize you. I care for you. I love you” if you don’t prove it. There are some things that are able to be believed without seeing actual proof of it like faith, God or, ironically love sometimes, but then there are the things that if you can’t show it, it’s never been true. Words are just empty without actions. I can promise you this, if these tables were turned and he felt like any of what I do and told me, being that I truly love and care about him, I would do anything in my power to fix those things about me. But why in the world would he want to fix things between us? He gets to come eat, watch TV and not talk… He shouldn’t have anything to complain about. Especially since I’m too damn tired to continuing bringing up the bullshit.

Here’s my bottom line… I know that I am struggling lately with being depressed and bored. I know that I don’t take it out on him. I also know that regardless of that issue I still go out and have fun with people that I care about even if I have to fake it for an hour or two. I know that he is struggling with depression but he does not chose to deal with it the same. You’d think, in this situation we’d actually find a similarity, a common ground that we can both relate to and help each other.

I am grateful that no one else have ever made me feel anything like this ever before in my life because I know that I don’t deserve it, even if he doesn’t… This too shall pass just not quick enough. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left to give him to try to make this work.

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