Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

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Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classic.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest liar.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.

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Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.

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Artistic Mondays with a soundtrack…

My Monday didn’t suck which means it was actually good. I’m not really a fan of them but this one was good. I started a new project at work which will keep me busy for a while which is also good. After work I went from my therapists, to the art supply store, to dinner with friends and finalized my day with a hard work out. You know those workouts that make you feel like the best invention ever was ice cold water… Yeah, I had one of those. All in all a pretty good day.

My ex and I have been texting all day some stupid cute things. Blah, I don’t even usually like that shit but I had made an exception today. We were in competition to see who could make it home the quickest and start the “no pants movement”. He won. But I am finally home now, with less clothes on, a good sweat and some useless TV to keep me entertained even though I’m not even paying any attention to it.

The only downside to my day was that my ex that I work with and I got into a fight towards the end of the day. He was being an ass so I became a bitch. Tomorrow we’ll be back to normal so I’m not too worried about things. The weather keeps teasing me about raining soon. I can’t wait till it rains again, not that I enjoy humidity but I’ll take it if I can have the relaxing patter of the drops on the windows for just a little while. This heat needs to chill out for a bit. It’s hard to try to look your best when you’re going out to dinner, meeting with friends or spending time with the ex when your makeup is running down your face but I guess that’s part of living here which is why moving to California with my BFF is looking so much better every day. They’ll be in the 80’s most of the week for their high… That’s just mean.

So my attempt at the art supply store was made because of my desire to start painting again. I’m not sure when I’ll actually do that and I wasn’t ever great but it was enjoyable. Anything that can challenge me, take my mind off of the bad and transport me into some other world for just a moment is something that I need. Sometimes I feel like I need a new life and other times I just want to make this one better. Today, I just want to make this one better.

So two things that I can’t get enough of are art and music. My iTunes apparently felt like I needed to revisit some of my older favorite artists today while driving around and I’d forgotten how much I loved the spoken poetic artistry of this album. So tonight I leave you with a few of my favorite pieces of dark art and some of my favorite pieces of song. I hope you enjoy and had a great day. Good Night.

I warn you that it’s a big dark but at the time I first heard it I was also a bit dark.

Dead Inside Album By: The Golden Palominos

Manipulate

Manipulate

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masochistic

masochistic

Mayonaise By: Smashing Pumpkins

Mayonaise By: Smashing Pumpkins

night

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