Imagine This… A meaningful quote with a side of signs.

A while back I was perusing this site Tiny Buddha Site and came across this piece of wisdom:

“Imagine This: If you had $84,400 in your account and someone stole $10.00 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10.00? Or move on and live? Right, move on a dn live. See, we have 86,400 seconds each day. Don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the remaining 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.”

Even though we all knew that… Isn’t it more powerful spelled out like that? That stuck in my mind since I saw it. It’s even better when something comes to you at a time of much needed contemplation anyway. Like today, or tonight…

Before leaving for a nice dinner I had an even better workout. It was one of those workouts that I was almost in pain but I didn’t want to stop so it turned into an almost hour and half of intense awesomeness. That makes me happy for so many reasons but one of those is that when I run or walk it gives me time to think.

If you read my posts you’ll already know just how much I’m into signs. The problem with signs though is that they are never what you want, nor expect. I heard once, somewhere, that the universe or God first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention you get a tiny pebble thrown at you in hopes of you picking up that sign… If you are STILL not listening then you get a brick thrown at your head. I am someone who’s had to have a lot of bricks thrown at me.

Let me explain my type of situation… This is a scenario of something that could possibly happen to me as things similar have:
– I’d get five flyers in my mailbox that had something to do with my car. Ignore them all. That’s the whisper.
– Then I’d have someone I knew have something happen to their car and in the same instance they’d say something like, “You should get your car checked out. This should be a lesson to you. That would be the pebble.
– I’d run out of gas or my check engine light comes on and my car stops on the freeway… That would be the brick.

So my point being is we all get some sort of signs in our lives leading up to what our next “step” or “stage” should be… It’s just whether or not we actually choose to listen to it. Recently I have had that happen. It was a health thing but I pretty much had the whisper, the pebble, the brick and finally a freight train barrel toward me before I finally listened.

Since I’m trying to meditate more now, which actually just turns into sessions of me thinking too much, I realized that there’s been a few instances of this lately. First instance was this health issue which I finally listen to. The second, which I have not listened to just yet is this place where I live. There have been signs that I shouldn’t be here for years but yet I stay.

Mostly my reasons for not moving are because moving sucks. I live 5 miles from work which would be about 25 minutes to bike there once I get my new bike but it’s also because I have way too much shit. Lastly, It’s because I’ve always thought that I’d leave here when I would be moving in with someone else.

That last thought brought me to another “Sign” that I’ve been ignoring. Staying in this town I’m in. The reasons why I’ve stayed here so long, I used to feel, they outweighed the bad. That is not the case and I don’t think it’s been the case for sometime now.

Reason 1: My job – I’ve been here for almost 18 years… That’s a long fucking time. I make decent money but it’s not challenging. It’s not fun and I work for an asshole who is more selfish than anyone else I know which just makes me want to dick punch him all the time. That’s not a good place that I want to be in.

Reason 2: The friends – This one is a bit strange because I realized that when my brother threw me a surprise party the hotel room that he bought for the night held about 10% of the people that I actually spend my time with. I have friends everywhere in all my little worlds so I can move wherever and I’d still be spending time with people that I shared history with.

Reason 3: I like this city. Most of the people that I know who’ve moved away don’t appreciate this city because they lived a sheltered life and never ventured out much. I’m not saying this is a perfect place but it’s got some great qualities.

Reason 4: I was far enough from my family that I didn’t need to see them all the time but was still close enough to get there if needed.

Reason 5: THE friend. Yep, it absolutely sucks to admit that I’ve stayed here longer than I ever wanted to because of THE friend. Some convoluted part of my brain thought that the longer I stayed here the more potential he’d have to realize just how awesome we’d be together. That occurred somewhere in my subconscious because my conscious thought always knew the reality of “us”. That reality has just become so loud in my mind and I’m not ok being stuck in this weird, boring, limbo rut that we’re in as friends. I’m not ok with any of it.

The problem with reason 5, in the past, has been that all the “signs” were pointing to a much different future for us. I wanted to believe in those signs so badly that I’d miss anything else. My mind is much more open to receiving now and it’s sees things in an entirely different way. I stopped reading the signs how I wanted to interpret them and finally l saw what I was meant to see which means I was finally ready to see it.

So the moral of the story here is a few things. First, don’t let someone else’s 10 minutes of shit kill the rest of your 86,390 minutes of a day. Second, watch out and listen for signs. Pay attention before you get freight trained. Lastly, when the reasons stay become so much less than the reasons to leave then it’s time to go.

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My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.

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Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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Secrets and lies… Which is worse?

This weekend didn’t go as expected at all. In fact it took a turn for the worst yesterday evening. The weekend was going well. I was having fun and but in one single moment Saturday night, things went spiraling down after a one worded answer.

I know that sounds vague but it’s someone else’s truth and not mine to tell but it was something that brought back a world of secrets from last year. I hadn’t actually planned on telling anyone what happened last year that brought me to my lowest point ever but in a moment of pure emotion it just came out.

It should have been a happy moment but in truth it just reminded me of the things that I don’t have in my life. It brought back pain and a terrible feeling of just how alone I felt last year and that I’m not much further than I was this time last year. Have I really boxed myself in so deep that nothing will penetrate this anymore?

So do I just put it on another list of things that I need to work on? Is it possible to get passed all the past? Is it likely that I will actually let someone in ever again? Did things get so messed up that I just feel like I’m entirely alone? On the other side of the coin, if this is how I’ve operated my entire life is it ok for someone to be angry with me because I have my secrets? There mine to tell or not to tell right?

I’ve tried to talk about stuff whether in therapy or to someone and it’s never made things better in my opinion. In fact, most times it just makes it worse because then whoever you tell just is allowed to reference that whenever they want or ask questions about things.

These are the romantic relationship moments where I’d be crying and telling my “other half” about what went wrong and they’d be listening intently and at the end of it all they’d know to either offer their opinion or to just shut up and hold me tight. I need a mature and strong man to be with to help me through the moments like I’m having now.

I tried to go out tonight and take my mind off things, which it did for a moment. But then I come back home and it’s the reminisce of the beginning of the weekend that just make me feel more alone and sad. I then took a long shower that boiled my skin just to feel something else, did my skincare routine and sat down at the computer to type except I found myself googling jobs in other cities, in other states. I’m well aware that leaving behind a city doesn’t allow you to leave behind your problems but it’s something new. It’s a start.

I’m not even sure, at this point, that I care where I end up. Any city in any other state would make me happy right now or at least in my mind it will. There is nothing left for me here. I could get another job anywhere else. I don’t have any romantic connections here.

I actually submitted my resume to some places that I never thought I’d move to. Maybe one day I’ll actually run away and find something happy, something that I haven’t found in a very long time. I am one hundred percent sure that my time here is done. Coming to the realization that there’s nothing left here for me is a hard truth to accept but maybe one that I’ve needed to realize for a very long time.

Oh what a boring, lonely, mess I’ve made for myself with no idea how to clean things up. There’s only one thing that would make me stay and that’s finding some comfort and safety in someone. Problem with that is that there’s none in sight for even just a brief glimmer of hope on that front.

Tonight I am thoroughly convinced that I’m living someone else’s life. If this was a movie we’d be at the part where I’d find some worth while meaning helping someone else, or I’ve meet a man in the grocery store, or I’d cut my hair, change my name and move to some remote town in Utah as if I was being witness protection plan relocated. Except it’s not a movie. This is my life right now and I’m entirely unsure what to do next or where things went wrong.

Is there such a thing as a male order groom? That seems cruel to say where there’s one man in my life that’s never given up on me and wants to make me happy but he’s never been my comfort or my safety but he does treat me with some amazing respect.

I have new skills that will help me from staying in this dark hole that I’ve just been thrown back into so maybe that’s why I’m not too worried about getting myself back out into the light but I have to say that there’s a strange comfort is feeling like this again. I suppose it’s primarily because I’ve been here before but also because it feels like maybe I deserve it again.

I’m unsure which direction to go in because I have no map and nothing that even resembles direction. Today I’m having a hard time believing in fate or karma or anything that tells me I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I believe right now, if anything at all. I just wish I didn’t feel this entirely alone.

It’s way too quiet in here tonight and all it does is leave me with thought which just make me sad. Hopefully sleep will be some sort of medication that I need. We shall see. This is the part, in my movie, where I drop to my knees and ask God for some sort of sigh that will lead me to the next part of my life with the next person in my life. The difference this time is that I know my prayers will be unanswered.

It’s a gloomy night tonight which actually fits right in with my emotions. I hope someone in this universe is listening tonight and if you are sad and feeling alone maybe it’ll be some sort of comfort to you that I feel the exact same way right now so I guess we can both feel alone together.

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OCD overdrive and other rambling thoughts…

It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.

Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.

It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.

The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.

See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.

That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.

I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.

While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.

I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.

I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?

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Is chivalry dead or just hiding…?

A couple weeks ago, during the whole holiday hustle, I got to see an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Our relationship quickly fizzled years back but it was important to stay friends with him for some reason. I never really understood what that reason was until a couple weeks ago.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a strong independent woman. There has never been much that I’ve needed from anyone else. It’s both a fault and a strength. That being said though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a man stand up for me. Knowing my history, you’ll understand that I never got that growing up and therefore grew up not needing it. I had boyfriends and male friends in the past want to “right the wrongs” in my past for me and in turn that would have “wronged the rights” in my opinion. The way I looked at my past is that it was mine to fix and mine alone. But most of that is for another night.

This story starts when my friend and I went out to a local bar. This would be the same establishment that I take most of my close friends to. We’d been there slowly sipping for about an hour and a half when, in rare form at this place, a fight broke out. First, without any sort of hesitation, my friend jumped up from across the table and moved me out of harms way. This was instinct for him. After a few moments of him making sure I wasn’t hurt, even though one of the neanderthals had managed to tap me on the back of the head with their elbow, my friend went and broke up the fight.

At that point the owner of the place came over, because we know each other, and had made sure I was ok as well. The owner then turned around to assess the damage which amounted to a few chairs misplaced and a drink or two spilled. My friend was talking to both the guys and separating them with his palmed arms stretched as much as he could.

I can’t say this entire incident had fazed me that much. It was an initial shock of the loud noise but the fighting was acknowledged as two drunk idiots ranting about something. What did shock me is that after my friend was done speaking with them, then the owner had decided to kick them both out, they were both directed to me to offer an apology.

That’s the point that I remembered why I needed him in my life AND why I was initially sexually attracted to him. He’s a strong man, in stature and strength but he uses his head first. Whatever he’d said to those guys was enough to get them to stop fighting and to apologize for not only smacking me on the back of the head but for also interrupting our evening. I don’t remember the last time a man was that concerned with my safety or my well being.

To be fair it’s not as if I’d opening admit that I needed a man’s help on something but he never cared what I was willing to admit. He just knew. That’s why we stay friends to this day. Aside from him, there’s mainly two types of men that I know, that we all know. They would be either the ones to jump into the fight or to run from the entire situation. He’s a rare breed. He was never required to fight for my honor but the fact that he chose to says more about his character than anything.

At the end of our evening together I kissed him. I kissed him with no intent or expectation but only to say “Thank you”. At the end of our evening together he kissed me back with no intent or expectation but only to say “You’re welcome”. I guess my assessment is that chivalry isn’t dead but it is hiding. A girl might not need a white knight but that’s not to say she doesn’t want one.

Tonight I am grateful for chivalrous men that actually care to make the right decisions with someone else in mind other than themselves. Far too many people are far too selfish these days, I am grateful for the ones that aren’t.

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