I’m having the strangest life right now. It’s not at all what I expected. It’s not bad and I’m still happy. In fact, I think I’m more free than I’ve ever been. It’s got this effect on me that makes me feel lighter. I can’t explain it right but maybe that’s got something to do with things that are happening around me.
My life is more staying home than before but also much more meaningful outings when I do. I’m meeting the most amazing people too. I guess I’ve just opened myself up to new and different. I have a new client that my boss sent to and he’s really down-to-earth and doesn’t bullshit. We’ve had some great conversations. He moved here for a short time and is leaving again for six months but he’ll still be my client which is nice and I always need the extra money.
My GBF (Gay Best Friend) had his birthday and that was a great time together with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I went to one of my oldest friends graduation party and hung out with my pseudo parents all night. I had forgotten just how much I loved them and just how much they helped “grow me up” when I was younger. I also got to see a friend there that I hadn’t in years and we had one of those great talks. He was nervous because the last time I’d seen him he’d asked me to stay the night with him and I said no. When I did he then offered me everything in his wallet to stay. I don’t think he’d intended for me to feel like a whore but did, never-the-less.
I’ve been seeing more live music lately too. Oh how I miss and LOVE live music. A couple weeks ago I went and saw a band with a couple girlfriends of mine and after they were done with their set we all talked for a while. Talking about music and life was just what I needed at the time. Fast forward a week or two and I’m getting kissed by the beautiful Peruvian drummer. That was a fun night.
The one thing that I’m noticing in all the people I meet lately is that their lives, the people that are supposed to be the closest to them, they’re all having a disconnect. People everywhere are longing for some sort of connection that they’re not getting. I find myself listening a lot and talking to people that I might not have a year or two ago. Mostly it’s because I want them to feel special. I want them to feel like they matter and that they can have a connection to someone. There I go again being a people pleaser without any regard for my own needs. But isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? We’re supposed to make everyone we meet better than before right?
As we’re sitting outside a closed bar (after 2 am) the other night I’m having this great conversation with the guitarist of the band about all these songs and bands, ones that he didn’t think anyone knew about and all he could do is keep grabbing my hands and kissing them and talking about how awesome it was to meet someone who loves music like that. Meanwhile the Peruvian drummer has his hand running up my thigh and he’s whispering in my ear about how he’d love to have his facial hair tickle my neck as he’s kissing me… So he and I had the sexual connection. If I could melt those two men together it would have been the perfect man. But even the latter man was missing a connection in his life.
I guess the more free that I feel the more I want others to feel connected to another human. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you don’t and the most amazing when you do. Even if that feeling only lasts a day.
I guess I’ve always been drawn to artists, whether they be musicians or painters or whatever. It’s not just that I love culture and talent but it’s more about seeing someone’s soul deeper and that’s what they put into their works of art, their songs… I want and long to see into people’s souls. That’s where their true selves are. That’s where you’ll find the most amazing humans.
I haven’t been sleeping or eating much these days partly because I don’t feel the need to but also because my mind races. Friday night I didn’t get home till almost 4 am and woke around 8. I couldn’t go back to sleep. Last night I went to bed at just after midnight which is early for me and I woke at almost 3 am and haven’t been able to go back to sleep so I thought, maybe, just maybe, I need to write a bit. Maybe that will help. Then I started looking at art online and came across this beautiful painter named Felix Pinchi Aguirre who, ironically, is also Peruvian but his paintings are powerful and beautiful. I’m loving these works of art that have these amazing bursts of color, power and emotions in them. Imagine being able to tell a tale with just the stroke of a brush or even the rip of a cord or bang of a drum… That’s beautiful talent.
It’s funny to me that peoples first impressions of me are that I’m this little princess but then they actually have a conversation with and, depending on who you are, you find out I’m actually a goth girl, a dirty talker, a sexual goddess, a lover of music, a true friend, a massively private woman, a deep thinker, an amazing listener, a decent writer, a Madonna and a whore, a sarcastically witty smart-ass, a bitch, an emotionally stunted British girl and last a bit of a princess.
I used to think that I needed to show only pieces of me to certain people depending on who they were but that’s changed. Not for everyone but those who earn the right get to see all those things.
My world is different and beautiful and strange right now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My Song of the Day…