I think I need to find a new word for weird. It’s not that my week has been that weird compared to my normal days but it’s weird for most adults. Most of my week has been working, working out and barely going out. I don’t know why I’ve chosen this week to stay in. It might have something to do with the two people I spend the most time with going to Vegas.
I’d declined to go with them on their Vegas trip because that would have made my fifth trip and to be honest Vegas is a great city at night but during the day looks like trash to me. I do need a vacation soon though but I might just run off into the forest and camp for a few days and take mushrooms.
On thing about working from home, aside from the freeing feeling of being able to walk around and work with my pj’s or just a t-shirt on, is that you start to feel a bit disconnected to your co-workers. There’s days that go by and we don’t even talk so when my boss called me the other day and asked what my holiday plans were so that he could make his I bit his head off. My reply was that my job has never been dependent on him or where he is so it really doesn’t matter when he takes off since he basically takes everyday off. He replied with, “Calm your tits” which in turn made me reply with “fuck off and sober up”. I will never not say we don’t have a weird relationship but there’s something really nice about being able to tell your boss to fuck off.
I fight with him more than anyone else in my life. I’ve fought with him more than any boyfriend, relative, friend. We are each other’s longest relationships ever and I joke with him that when I leave his ass for someone who pays better then he owes me alimony because we have never had sex and we always fight. It’s a running joke.
I bring this up because I’ve had ex’s be jealous of the relationship that I have with my boss. This makes me laugh. Mostly because I think that jealousy is a useless emotion but mostly because of the absurdity of it all. People say he’s attractive but after you’ve seen the worst in someone, you’ve seen their drunken disgusting moments in life and you’ve seen the way they treat people you tend to not see an attractive side. I’ve never thought he was attractive though… Maybe just not my preference. His brother however, a completely different story.
But I digress…
Bringing up emotions though brings me to another situation. This week, Monday night I think, a friend and I had gone to see if we could see any comets around midnight. He’s a fun friend and has always had this weird obsession that we hookup but I won’t even kiss him. I think he wanted to go to see if I’d think it was romantic which I was literally too interested in trying to see a comet and then dealing with the police when they showed up. Apparently you can’t sit in a parked car without doing something wrong.
So my friend and I got to talking about how we handle emotions. I explained to him that I like to wait to react to situations. There’s a lot of times when I’m pissed or upset that I immediately want to say something but I don’t. I’ll write a note instead and then I’ll calm down. I’ll quickly start to rationalize something. It’s something that I’ve had to train myself to do because it’s human nature to just “react” with whatever comes out. THE friend tested my patience a lot with this. He’d do something and I’d want to rip his head off but just took a deep breath, explained it away and realized later that if it was truly important to me then I’d bring it up in a sane calm manner. After not reacting for a day or two, most of the time, I realize that it’s not that important anymore so I let it go.
This led my friend the other night to ask me what actually, truly pisses me off. My first response, lying. I just don’t see a need for it. Second, when someone can’t apologize. Apologies are the utmost form of adulting in my book. We all make mistakes. We all fuck up but it’s only a truly good human than can apologize and mean it. I think I also said lack of appreciation and respect.
He then asked if that meant I was a carpet. You know, someone who people walk over, because I don’t get pissed about stuff. I said that they might think that but the truth is if they make a mistake once it’s forgivable. A mistake made twice I can deal with but a third time I will just disappear never to be heard from again. There’s lots of people in my life that I miss and there’s lots of people who, maybe 10 years ago, I’d let back in my life but now I just want positive, caring, loving people in my life. They’re allowed to make mistakes but it’s all about how they handle it after that proves the character of someone.
I always have things to do and people to do them with if I chose to so losing one or two people no matter what they’ve meant to me doesn’t stop me from living my life as fun and happy and it can be. I just don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. I try to help people with kind words, actions and listen when I can. I’m nowhere near perfect but it gives me something to strive for each day.
After that he’d asked me why I didn’t want to hook up with him. I told him that I wasn’t attracted to him and the only reason he was attracted to me was because I didn’t want him. He disagreed but we shall both agree to disagree on that. Why am I not attracted to him? Well, the good things about him as far as most girls see: has money, good looks, treats them shitty enough so when he does something nice it seems so huge. My reason for not being attracted to him: he’s arrogant, he’s a man-whore (what’s the nice way to say that?) and I can see right through his bullshit. He said the latter and my ass are the reason he likes me and something to do with my lips which was foul but at that point I just turned the radio on loudly and got out of the car.
These are probably just some of the reasons that I’m still single. Mostly because I’d rather be picky than just have any warm body next to me in bed. It makes for some lonely nights and I do mean lonely nights. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve literally slept next to man. Even when THE friend stays he’s on the couch and I’m locked in my room. Here’s the things, right off the top of my head there’s seven men that I could call and either go over there or have them come here but I just don’t want any man. You all know that.
My list has never really changed but in case you’re wondering my perfect man who is imperfect would not be rich nor the best looking man ever. I don’t care what he drives or what he does. My perfect man is appreciative, respectful, sometimes a gentleman, sometimes kind and sweet and sometimes a sarcastic fool that I can laugh with. Someone that teaches me things and wants to learn things from me. Someone that admits his faults, his vulnerabilities his fears. Someone that I can help grow, live and love. I will never think his dreams are too big or his words too small.
I might not love easily but when that flood gate opens it’s a glowing light of acceptance and love but doesn’t suffocate. Love isn’t suffocation or jealousy or anger. Love is what’s right in the world and if/when I truly love someone his life will be better with me in it. That’s the whole point of love, to make someone else better than before you met them. That’s what I’ve been told anyway 🙂 my Shaman friend likes to remind me that when I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with (truly WITH them) both our lives are supposed to shine bring with love and riches and some other shit. It’s nice to believe that some days. Some days it’s a bit harder to believe.
So currently I’ve turned down four guys in the last 30 days and I have no current FWB’s. I know that I can’t complain but I know that I’ll feel connected with someone soon and if I don’t then I’ll just move on to something else in life. Right now I’m more focused on my career and myself so that I can be better for the next guy who, maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel connected to.
I miss that part of my relationships. Even my friendships lately I feel like I’m disconnected to. It’s me. It’s in my head because I’m in my head. I’m awake when I should be asleep and I’m sleeping when I should be awake because the things I dream about are better than my reality right now. The most vivid dreams and I can’t get them to stop and they’re all about ONE person. Life is weird… My life is weird.
… and on that note it’s almost 2 am now and I’m going to try to sleep. Hope you all had a great week and have a great weekend. I have no idea where the winds will take me this weekend. I’m leaving you with the video In My Dreams By: Robert Miles because, well, it’s my life and I love this whole album. Nite xXx