The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowing entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time. I a bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.

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My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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Freezing temps and freezing emotions…

This weekend was exactly what I needed. I thought I’d be staying in almost all weekend and enjoying the warmness of the inside all while knowing there would be a nice awesome chill outside. As an added bonus it snowed for about two minutes on Friday afternoon. It was nothing major but enough for me to remember why I missed snow.

Friday was a typical day at work. I came home and took a little nap then went out for a few hours. When I got home I started to get into a new TV show that my BFFs been telling me to watch for a while. Saturday was a little of the same thing. I worked for a little while, took a nap and then went out for a while and came home and watch some more of this new show.

I made sure to write in my gratitude journal every night. I made sure that the things I was grateful weren’t just the typical things. I tried to make notes of all the little things that happened throughout each day as well so I can look back and realize just how many blessings are in my life.

Then comes Sunday. I honestly thoughts I’d relax most of the day then have dinner with some friends at night. It didn’t exactly work out like that. I got up early and had my coffee. I then worked out for an hour and finished the “must do” items by working for a bit. Then around 1ish THE friend came over to re-watch Game of Thrones because there’s so much to miss in each episode.

I had no expectations and no plans of doing anything else. I was mentally writing the things I’m grateful for with him though. I am grateful that he scrubs the toilet. I am grateful that he cleaned his dishes tonight. I am grateful that he came over.

But with all the good, you know there’s bad as well. First, I’m trying to get health and for that to happen I can’t have crap food in my home. It’s always been a fear that if I didn’t keep it here that would be one less reason for him to come over because he usually eats it all. Today did nothing to stop those fears and he just seemed bored the majority of the time.

Another thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion, physical touching and words in general. He just seemed cold and distant. I hate that feeling because I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve that. He started a new job and I asked him how it was and he ignored the question so I left it alone. If I took away all the words that weren’t about the show we were watching we probably spent 5-10 words on each other.

When he’s seeing a new person he usually becomes distant like that. If that’s what going on then fine but I don’t know how much of this I can take before it ruins my mood. I’ve been doing so much better and I don’t want him or his lack of emotions or the fact that he’s got a new woman in his life to change things for us.

We really did use to have this really special friendship. I believe he described it as “unusually intimate and undefinable” before. I liked that version of us because the version we are now is just cold and boring. I don’t do cold and boring. That’s just not something that I want to invest my time in.

On a good day I get the impression that he holds back all these good or great emotions for me and that’s exciting even though I know that it’s a false hope type of situation. It at least makes things interesting but on a bad day I just feel like someone who THE friends just keeps an appointment with just in case he ever needs something important or when there’s an emergency. That’s not really a friend.

My version of a friend is something who texts you out of the blue with stupid things. A friend is someone that hugs you first before going to your fridge. A friend is someone that wants to have a conversation with you and doesn’t make you feel invisible.

In my world, Sunday’s are the worst days to do something with someone that you actually want to spend time with because one or both of you has to work the next day. So he keeps his Friday and Saturday nights free for new girls, other girls or better offers. That a pathetic thought. “How can I exert the least amount of energy to show her that I am a friend but don’t let it impede actually having fun”. I believe that’s his thought process.

I’m on the verge of tears here writing all this because I’ve not felt this bad for a while now and it’s not fair to me. When our mutual friend asks if THE friend and I have talked lately I’ve never felt like it was a lie to say no because we never talk and therefore not a lie. I could have a thousand friends make me feel great but he does or doesn’t do the littlest thing and it changes my mood entirely.

It’s painfully obvious that we are not real friends much less “unusually intimate and undefinable”. It’s a sad thing when you can see a relationship die right before your eyes. I’m sure since there was no stimulation for him here tonight that I won’t be seeing or hearing from him for a while. I hate this place we’ve in. Now that made me cry.

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Feelings like home… or not.

I’ve had a bad couple of days. The only comfort has been in my home, alone. Moving from the bed to the couch in amazing amounts of pain but doing it so I at least felt as though I was somewhat productive. The new guy asked if he could come over and I declined. I declined to not only let him in my home but also to let him know that I’m not having a great week.

There’s few things that mean comfort to me and he’s not one of them yet. I also feel as though my home is my sanctuary away from being someone that maybe I don’t feel like being right now. Truth is, I want to feel bad in my own home without pants and sleep on the couch with a movie that I’ve seen 20 times on in the background. He’s not allowed to see that. Not right now.

He’s been honest with me about the days he doesn’t feel well and I appreciate that. You all know how I feel about honesty. It is by far one of the most sexiest things for a guy to be. But also, I guess, it excuses behavior as well. He feels as if he doesn’t get right back to me I need some sort of explanation but I don’t.

I’ve tried to explain to him that if we choose to date, he’ll soon realize that I’m not a “normal” girl. I don’t have to see someone all the time nor do I need constant positive reinforcement that we’re ok. I’m not that needy, it’s in my sign. But I do know that his sign requires a bit more attentiveness on my part and I may be willing to do that the more comfortable I get with him. I’m just not there right now.

He left today for California for a week. I feel a little relieved. That’s probably not good but I want him to do his own thing and not have to have each weekend where we’re together. I don’t know, I guess I should allow myself to go a little “girl brain” but right now I just need to make it through the week without having a breakdown.

My friend the Shaman called the other day and asked me to come by. When I did she had some interesting things to say to me. She knew about the new guy but her concern was more on THE friend. I tried to explain to her that that entire thing is a mute point since I don’t even see any love being reciprocated at this point and I’m done trying to love a brick wall covered by a barbed wire fence. She had some other thoughts about it all though and again, I just brushed them all off because I’ve done everything that I can and without any words back anything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears, or blind eyes.

The sad fact is that I would do anything for THE friend if he’d asked. I would be whatever he wanted and be where he needed. Yet it’s so painfully obvious that he doesn’t need or want me in him life. It shouldn’t hurt since there is someone that does want all those things and more but it does. It hurts that I’ve tried more than I’ve ever tried with anyone to fix things. It hurts that his actions are so emotionless. He’s so emotionless. I’ve not hurt him. I’ve defended him when needed and ignored things that I probably shouldn’t have all for the sake of this friendship and it feels like its dying. If you care for something you fight for it. But if the other person has already left the ring there’s no point.

I am physically and emotionally drained and in pain so that’s all my thoughts this evening. I’m going to just go into the darkness somewhere and have weird dreams that are strangely comforting right now. Apparently it’s the only place that THE friend and I are ok maybe even great with each other. I wish I was strong enough to believe in my dreams right now because I still love him immensely.

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Synchronicity and secrets…

My weekend was good. It was really good. First, I didn’t stayed locked in my home as expected. I ventured out quite a bit. I saw the new guy a couple times and we had a lot of fun. There was no x-rated fun, yet but I’m looking forward to the anticipation. And seriously I’ve been on a self induced sexual hiatus for so long even if it’s bad, it’s going to be good.

I’ve talked about this before as well but being someone who’s been in situations that weren’t my fault makes it extremely hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. I don’t know this new guy enough yet but we’re learning from each other. One thing that those close to me are is synchronized. It’s like, you get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and one goes for the bowls and the other gets the cereal. Then swap and one goes for the milk and the other gets the spoons without a word. I find that I have that with really close people in my life. Mainly my BFF, GBF and my friend I just went into business with. It’s a good feeling when you’re that close that you know what each other is thinking.

Like I said, the new guy and I are no where near that yet and I think if we were I’d probably be a bit scared since it’s not been that long. I’m ok with slow and steady wins the race though. Each time we talk or hang out I find out something new to like about him. One thing he did that I appreciated was he kept a promise. I made him promise that if I ever did anything that he didn’t like or wasn’t sure about then to bring it up. We’d discuss it and if I understood where he was coming from I’d agree to change it.

His issue wasn’t what was sweet about it though. We were in his car, just parked and he turned to me, lighting sandwiches my cheeks in his hands and said, “Babe, you asked me to bring things up that bother me. I’m about to do that, ok?” I lightly nodded my head and he said that he was bothered that he was always the one to reach out to me and he wished that I reached out to him because other wise he just feels like he’s bothering me.

Okay, so obviously I’ve heard this before. In fact, the two most succinct people in my life say it all the time, my BFF and my GBF so I’m aware that this is an issue. But this is going to take some training on my part. I’ve also had some ex’s say the same thing but I didn’t really care about it then because I knew things weren’t going to last. This time around though I want to fix it. Baby steps though… That’s all we’re looking for right now.

The next part is tricky. Because of my failure to communicate it leaves a lot of secrets in my closet. I’ve explained that there’s only two people in my life who know as much as they do about me. One is my BFF and I’ve never regretted telling her a thing. The other, is THE friend who never cared that he was trusted with my secrets so all those are regrets that I told him any of them. But the latter being what it is it makes me wary to open up again about some of that stuff. It was probably the most painful things that I trusted him with and he made me regret it so I’m really not wanting history to repeat itself BUT in the same breath I want to be open.

This is a weird predicament that I’m in right now. I feel something new for this new guy but it’s too soon to tell what that is yet and we don’t have history. We don’t have stories or anecdotes yet… It’s exciting to get to know someone on a deeper level but it’s also pretty terrifying too.

I guess I’m still in my juvenile learning curve but thankfully I’m further on than I was before. Maybe what I had with THE friend was what I needed but with training wheels and now I’ve found someone that doesn’t come with training wheels and that actually cares to learn about me, spend time with me finding things out about me and getting to a point where anything with THE friend doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’ve said before that most relationships except the really special ones have an expiration date of three years for me. Well, as much as it seems like THE friend and I have been doing our weird dance for much longer it’s about to be three years. Being able to know when he’ll cancel or why he’ll cancel only proves that I know much more about him than he’s ever know about me. I have definitely reached a point where I’m done with all the crap that we BOTH have given to each other. I’m done being the loneliest person in the world sitting right next to him. I’m done with the, “something way better came up so even though you keep our ‘dates’ I’m going to cancel on you again”. I’m done with being able to predict the bad and it always coming true.

Maybe if we make it passed the three year hump then I’ll calm down a bit but history does tend to repeat itself. I’m sure it’s about time that he tries to replace our friendship with some other woman soon. Talk about losing that lovin’ feeling. I guess my song lyrics have finally caught up with his.

Ask me on a good day if I wished things were so different with us and I’d say, “Hell yes”. Ask me on the same good day that if I had the chance to start over with THE friend my answer would also be the same. Ask me on a really really good day if I’d like the new guy and THE friend to switch positions and on a great day, I’d say absolutely but he and I haven’t shared a great, really good or even just a good day together in such a long time I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Today was a strange day on all fronts and I’m exhausted and a little school girl happy. Can’t rewrite history nor change your future or your expectations…. That’s all I know tonight.

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