Occam’s Razor Part II and some real rawness…

It’s a day away from Thanksgiving where it’s all about thankfulness and giving and family and friends and gathering. I can’t actually tell how excited I am. I’m actually doing a quick turnaround trip going to the family Thursday morning and back home by Friday afternoon. My boss asked if it was because my family was getting on my nerves and my reply was, “No but this is how they don’t” I also told him he was getting on my nerves though. Luckily he’ll be leaving tomorrow for a week. This only reminds me that I am in need of a vacation so bad.

I am looking forward to seeing my family, mostly my niece but will enjoy the rest as well. My biggest issue with all of them is that they passively aggressively ask me about my dating life. I really can’t stand that. If I ever get to the point to introduce them to someone I’m dating then maybe they’ll be quiet. I just haven’t ever been at that point.

When my crazy friend and I went to stay at my brothers a few weeks ago there was this point where she and my brother were talking in the kitchen while I was out on the trampoline. She said they were talking about me and my reply was, “Nope, nope you weren’t and no I don’t want to know”. I really don’t think some people understand just how secret I like to live my life. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong it’s just that it’s no one else’s business. If I want to talk about those things then I will.

I would say that out of all my social media crap I use Instagram the most and at best I only post 2% of my life on there. I don’t really know where this secrecy came from or why but some of it comes from the fact that when I do mention something that makes me happy it does seem to go away. Like there’s some sort of spell on me. I’m aware that sounds bat-shit and paranoid but I don’t really think someone put a spell on me but I do believe in bad energy from others seeping into my world which is probably why I try to do so much good.

The last time I was really having a good time… towards the beginning of this year. When the drummer and I were spending time together. At first, I didn’t tell anyone and especially my crazy friend. One day she’d seem some messages come through my phone that he’d sent that pretty much confirmed what we were doing and then she knew. I actually hated that she did. I hated that THE friend knew about us but I didn’t want to go to the drummers shows alone because that appeared to girlfriend-like.

The only friend that I didn’t mind going with me was Dan and that was because he could read aura’s which he did and that’s a whole other post there. But once the crazy friend knew she was always asking what was going on and what we were doing. Sometimes she’d ask and I’d just sit there and stare at her until she’d ask something else.

I have this one friend of mine that is like a little sister to me. She’s the one that I’ve written about when we have our New Years tradition and one that didn’t wait for a man to get her pregnant and decided to have a baby on her own. I get to be his auntie too. But she hears some of my stories about the people around me especially my crazy friend and she always asks me why I continue to stay around these people because they don’t appear to be that great. She’s never been a fan of my ex Dan either because I was so much younger than him when we were together. I don’t agree with that position but she can have her own opinion.

Anyway, it seemed like the more and more the crazy friend asked about the drummer and I the less and less time we got to spend together. After one night that she’d come with me to his show and she actually saw us interact together I think she got jealous because then she’d always talk about all these messages he send her and the fact that she just ignores them. I told her the last time we spoke that if she was trying to imply that he was flirting with her every time he reached out to invite her to a show that I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that’s the last time we’ve spoken really.

The drummer and I haven’t seen each other since I went with Dan 2 months ago. About a week after that the drummer asked me to meet him on a Friday, I think and then I never heard from him again that night. Two months goes by and no apology and no explanation. I was pissed at first but excused it away. Then, last week, I get a message from him asking “Are you alive?” After we bantered for a minute or two he’d said he missed me which would have been great to hear if it wasn’t followed by asking for a favor.

I understand that he’s having issues in life right now. I get that and I am sympathetic which is why I never bitched about what he did. However, I’ve spent months excusing his behavior and actions away. Add that to the fact that for two months of silence I get to hear from my crazy friend that he’s been reaching out to her… Yeah, I’m not that girl who deals with that.

He then had the nerve to say that I’d promised something and hadn’t delivered. Here’s the thing. I HAD delivered and I probably could deliver again on that promise except why would I continue to go out of my way to help someone who’s NEVER truly treated me like a friend. So we have a few great nights together but he also made a promise to me and I’m pretty sure that’s been broken for months now. I made him promise that when this was over for him he’d tell me out of courtesy… Never happened and he expects me to show up to every single show like a loyal puppy… I refuse to be a mistress.

I’ve always been well aware that this “FWB’s” was NEVER about the friend piece for him and it’s always been pretty one sided. He’s never gone out of his way for me. We barely speak to each other and we certainly don’t confide in each other. I feel betrayed by someone that I was willing to be a loyal and private confidant to and to help out more than he would ever know going above and beyond what he ever thought. All I truly feel is hurt, lied to and fucking stupid.

I feel stupid because I’ve let someone take advantage of me because I felt some fucking stupid connection to. Apparently I was the only one that felt that connection truly because his side all seems like bullshit now. He’ll never know that he’s really hurt me and I tried, for the longest time to excuse all his actions away except the only explanation is  Occam’s Razor. The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct.

So basically we’ve not seem each other in over two months because he didn’t want to. We don’t talk because he didn’t want to. I’ve always told him that he’s the one with the busy life so it would be up to him to reach out and in the beginning that was the case. Then he disappeared like he never existed in my life.

Strangely, in my weird world, if he and I were just dating I’d write one line about him and move on but because I tried so hard to be friends first that’s where this stings. I’d shared things with him I’d never told anyone whether he remembers or not. All the things he told me stayed secret in my head, not to be shared with anyone because I am loyal and even now that whatever we were is officially over it will still never pass these lips. I won’t speak ill of him to anyone and I will miss watching him play at his shows. I will miss talking him up to strangers and I will miss those moments that we shared when no one else was around. I might even cry for those moments but I have so little patience for anyone who treats people like shit.

I’m so mad at myself here too because I didn’t see him like this at all. I honestly thought he was a good human. I thought that he had some damage from him past and that impacted the way he trusted people but I, in my soul, believe he was a good person who wouldn’t hurt me. The hardest part here is that’s all he’s done now.

I know that it’s hard to believe that I didn’t love him, yet. I mean I was in a lot of “like” with him but we never got close enough for me to feel anything more than a friend to him and like I said that’s the part that sucks the worst. I gave a lot of myself to him and did things that I’ve never done before because I felt close to him. I haven’t felt that closeness to him for awhile though and short of some miracle that occurs on his part it’s just over. There’s no discussion, there’s no finality or closure… It’s just done.

My Shaman once told me that the drummer was actually in love with me but like me, he runs from emotions and feelings. She said that he was stuck in his situation and that once he actually stopped for a moment and truly felt his feelings then things would change and that I’d get closer to him and we’d make each others lives better. She’s never been wrong before and for a while I wished that she wouldn’t be wrong now except I have very little patience for someone that uses someone and that treats someone who’s never done anything to them poorly.

So, I knew that I hadn’t written in a while and I knew that some of you had emailed and asked so I thought that I’d write one last post about him for closure. Yes I’m sad. No, I’m not heartbroken. Yes I’m pissed. I wish him true happiness. I wish that he figures out what he wants and needs in his life. I wish that he never feel the way that he’s made me feel but do want him to realize that he’s lost someone whom he should have treated a lot better than he did. I want him to have joy in his life, so much joy. I gave him something once that was made out of amethyst. It’s supposed to protect him from bad energy, give him positivity and protection. Maybe I should have kept that for myself the way I feel right now.

That’s what’s going on in my world that’s on my mind tonight. I will feel this and move on like I always do. Tomorrow is a new day. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and I am grateful that you all come here and interact with me. I thank you for all the amazing emails and comments (sorry I don’t post them all). I still believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and going through everything that I’m supposed to go through I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Nite xXx

1_EBHQqNESUCne2mGSxCzkTgQuotes-About-Love-Don39t-force-them-to-love-you.-Love-quotes

Current Happenings and a slow Saturday night…

Remember when I said that if I’m quiet on here it’s usually because my life is actually really great? So this sabbatical is because of that. I met two really great guys in the last month. One doesn’t live here and the other does but I’m not as attracted to him. Here’s the thing though. While I’ve been spending time with two really great guys, I’ve not slept with either one yet.

I’ve told you all before that I’m not quick to jump in bed with anyone. Even though it’s been a while since I have had sex I’m not rushing it with these two either. I mean I’m still getting to know them. We’re not “dating” but I guess you could say we’ve gone out on a few dates. I actually haven’t even kissed either of them yet.

The one from out of town I think I like the most and here’s why. I NEVER (ok almost) invite guys to my place. I always go to them because then I can leave when I want. Another thing that I never do is cook for them. So the one from out of town is coming back to town in two weeks and I think I’m going to let him stay with me AND cook for him. I don’t know why I want to but I do. I haven’t invited him yet but we’ll see how our conversations flow over the next week or so or if anything else happens with the other guy.

Why am I moving so slow with both of these when I could have literally already jumped into bed with either of them? Because that’s not me. I just don’t give it away freely. I also want to make sure these are both good guys and figure out which one I like more then end it with the other.

Both guys are friends of friends. Both are average to good looking. In town guy is taller with dark blonde hair and out of town guy is about 5ft 11in with dark hair. I’m going through specifics more for me at this point than you all. Sorry I just don’t know what I want. They are both exceptionally sweet. In town guy is almost too sweet though like he’s not actually being himself. I also don’t think that he’s very spontaneous. Whereas out of town guy seems pretty spontaneous and has more of a sarcastic side. That I like a lot.

Another reason I’m going super slow with both these two guys is that I know, just because I want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to jump at the first guy that’s interested in him and I in him. To also be honest with all of you, I’m not insanely attracted to either, like I don’t just want to rip their clothes off. That takes a lot. It’s also a bit sad that I think I’m more attracted to the out of town guy because he’s out of town. I really like my personal space. While I don’t mind a 24 hour run with someone I don’t need to see them all the time. I can handle seeing someone twice a week maybe with one over-night. I don’t know maybe I’ve just not met someone that rocked my world enough to want to be with them all the time. Is that a thing?

I know that this full moon is a big one. It’s supposed to bring about all these emotions and allow you to let go of things that no longer serve you. For me, it’s allowed me to let go of one-sided relationships and relationships where I’m treated as if I don’t matter. It’s also brought about this weird cleaning freak in me. It started with my obsessive need to find a new couch. I finally found my new couch which will get delivered next week and in the days before it does I’m cleansing my space. I’m donating, selling or throwing away a shitload of stuff and cleaning everything. I need to bring new energy in to myself and my home.

I recently saw a meme that said, “I’ve just realized that buying books and reading them are two completely different things.” While I laughed at that I do believe that pertains to me. I have so many books, cooking, homeopathic remedies, music, biographies, sex and money books that I have either already read or will never read. I have clothes that no longer fit, shoes that look terrible and stacks of paperwork that I have no use for anymore. They are all going away.

Almost everyone that comes in my home says that there’s a feeling of peace and calm in here and that’s probably why I get home guest that don’t leave for days but I pride myself on that and will get back to that soon. There’s some energy in here for sure and I need to keep it cleansed especially if I invite someone to come stay.

Wanna know a secret? After moving back to Houston after the hurricane I got a new bed and mattress. It’s been about a year and a half and my secret is… I’ve never had sex in my bed or on that mattress… That’s how sacred MY space is that I just don’t bring anyone back here. I don’t just let anyone here. I felt the need to say that outloud because I wanted to give you all an idea as to just how sacred I think my space is and how I’m not easily had.

Now, because of everything that’s been going on with me externally and internally I did ask advice from my Shaman… The first thing that was said is that this full moon is about to bring real love in my life BUT it might not be from either of my two new men. I don’t know what that means because I can’t really juggle another guy and keep self-caring at the same time. If that’s true and there is a third option then I would drop those two like hot potatoes (stupid phrase).

Sorry that I’m all over the place tonight but that’s what happens when I’ve been gone so long on my blog. I have too much to say and my thoughts are quicker than my fingers. I do feel my life is kind of like that too though right now. It’s all jumbled. Things are not perfect nor will they ever been but it appears that the people in my life are in different places than I am and I’m not really syncing with anyone right now, not even those two men. I’m out of sync.

I’m hoping that a good cleansing bath and yoga session tomorrow (later today) will do the trick but I thought that once most of my clients deadlines had past that I’d have more time and I wouldn’t be up till 2 am most nights. That is not the case. My mind is still swimming, as is an Aquarius mind most of the time. We live inside our heads more than out of them. I’ve not had a good cathartic cry lately and I probably need to over the people that are no longer in my life, the ones that I’m currently saying goodbye to and just the overall atmosphere of everything. I probably should have a breakdown soon but I just don’t feel it.

I had a friend give me some pill that’s supposed to knock me out tonight because of my noisy mind and we’ll see if that works. I do need the sleep because I can’t focus on anything. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my GBF’s sister, my ex and those two above a lot. But now that it’s turning cold I’m just loving this weather and need to get back to my nature walks. That’s usually meditative for me. I’ve also been staying completely sober lately to keep my head clean without distractions. It helps.

Well, it’s just after one in the morning. The bathroom is clean and organized and hopefully this pill knocks me out so I can tackle the bedroom, living room and office tomorrow. I have high expectations of myself. So, I hope you all are having a great weekend. Maybe the next time I post I’ll have made my decision and will be feeling a little bit more “myself”. Nite xXx

Screen Shot 2019-10-13 at 1.40.02 AM.png

August-2017-Full-Moon-Eclipse

 

Mid-Week Summary and Whatever Else…

I went on a beach excursion last Saturday with my GBF, his sister and four of our friends. It was cloudy and almost gloomy and the sun was hidden most of the time. It still meant that I got one of the worst sunburns of my life. It’s actually almost all gone now thanks to some aloe shit I’d gotten in Hawaii years ago. My boss seems to think that I also got sun poisoning as well. Maybe that’s true since I’d been feeling like crap.

I was feeling a bit better by the time I woke this morning since I’ve been doing nothing all week except working. I made plans with my ex as well and hoping he’ll follow through since he’s been so sad lately. This is the one that called me freaking out a couple weeks ago. He’s still sad for so many reasons but mostly because of love. He and his “soul-mate” broke up last we talked. I feel so bad for him because he is so in love with her.

See, love, it’s the cause of so much happiness and so much sadness. Well, the attachment to people and to relationships is the cause of the sadness and that’s not love’s fault but you get my point. This is what I was talking about in my last post. I’ve got so many friends going through heartbreak right now and people wonder why I’m so allergic to love. Life is crazy enough without feeling like your heart is being ripped out.

So, this weekend is a nice three day weekend except for the first time in a very long time I actually don’t have crazy plans for Labor Day weekend. I would usually have all my days and nights covered except I don’t this time. I’m not sure that’s a good or bad thing. I will travel where the wind blows me. I will let fate decide my plans and if that means I stay home and organize my home then I’m ok with that too.

As far as my mood goes… Well that’s a bit harder to explain. I’m no where near I was when I wrote that last post but I’m not where I want to be either. Even though I’ve been feeling bad I’ve still been working out, eating better and trying to rest in between. I heard from three different guys this week that wanted to go out on a date and I turned them all down. Just not feeling it with any of them. That has nothing to do with my mood it’s what I always say about not feeling that “connected” to someone so I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

I feel like I need to get out tonight, somewhere. I need to go get a drink or just be outside of my own home. Maybe I’ll go for a nice drive listening to some music for hours. That’s what I usually do when I’m feeling disconnected. I need to feel connected again, to life or to someone. Lost, maybe that’s what I feel. Lost, disconnected, stagnant… all of the above.

My Shaman friend had reached out, not that long ago, to give me some advice about my dating life. She had some things to say about the men in my life and for the first time I told her, “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear any good news and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to do this anymore.” I think I shocked her but I was tired of her saying these really great things that are about to happen and then setting myself up for disappointment so I felt like it was just time I let things happen without any help from her. I know that most of what she’s said has or had actually come true but this last piece of information was a bit too much to handle, probably because I really really wanted it or want it to come true. That’s why I stopped her.

As far as everything else, it’s been mundane. You all know me. I don’t like mundane. I like to keep things exciting but am aware that most things are cyclical. You can’t get the exciting without the boring. You can’t get the fun without the work. You can’t get the love without the apathy. In my world, you also can’t get the music without a little bit of silence. That’s how I know I’ve been feeling bad when I don’t listen to music and I realized today that I hadn’t in a couple of days. That’s not ok with me. Hopefully today is a day that that gets fixed.

I really don’t have anything else to report except that I need some excitement in my life soon or I’m really going to move to another country. Not even sure which one yet but feeling stagnant isn’t my best version of life at all. Again, no ones responsibility but my own to fix this state I’m in.

I have been having these weird dreams lately though. I’ve been having these recurring dreams about living with someone, not married but living with a guy. It’s weird because they’re these super blissful dreams that I wake up from feeling a sense of relaxation and happiness. The man in my dreams has no face but these amazing arms. That’s all I can remember and when we’re lounging on the couch his arms make me feel really safe and secure.

That’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. Safety and security from a man. You know, the kind of man that walks on the side of traffic so you don’t. The kind of man that looks out for you when creepy men are trying to talk to you. The kind of man that just looks out for your best interests. Maybe that’s what my subconscious is looking for. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so lost these days. No man in my life makes me feel safe right now. That’s not to say that I feel unsafe but a man’s job is to look out for a woman no matter what their relationship is. Yep, maybe that’s what I’m missing or a man in general that I feel connected to. Again, who the fuck knows.

That’s my mid-week summary and my mood which is better than before but not where it needs to be yet. Hope you are all having a great week. xXx

eyeem-72248400

My Life’s Journey is Off Course…

Why is it that some of the best conversations delve around love? Is it because it’s powerful? Is it because it’s the only thing that matters? Or is it because it’s the only thing we all want? What happens if we don’t get it? Just so many questions and maybe why I’m in a mood today.

I have always had a shitty recognition of my life prior to about 13 or so. I just don’t remember much at all. Whether it be trauma or life choices or something else that blocks out most of my childhood I guess it doesn’t matter. I just don’t remember. However, I can remember the feelings for each man that I’ve loved, not been in love with, but loved. I can remember what we were doing when I thought I loved them and I can remember what we were doing when I realized that I didn’t love them any longer or that I never did. In my mind that means that I’ve never really been in love.

All this stems from yet another conversation that I had with a friend the other night. We’d gone out to dinner and the waiter and a guy at the bar had both hit on me and I’d blown both of them off. My friend asked me why I wasn’t really into either of them. The waiter was kind of nerdy cute but the guy at the bar was the type of guy that I used to date because I knew I wouldn’t ever fall for him. Attractive, nice suit and tie, business professional waiving around money. None of that interests me. It never really has and certainly not now.

What I told my friend was that, that night I wasn’t feeling very attractive or sexy. This is still my mood today. But above that these guys just look for conquests and I have no desire to be that. I’ve said numerous times here that I AM looking for love. I am looking for a lasting relationship. I’m worth way more than a one-night-stand or even a FWB’s. I know this. I also know that I really shouldn’t be messing around with the drummer any more because it’s really only going to lead to heart-break if we keep doing this.

See, I’m super cautious about love and aware of my situation. I know what could happen and how things are right now. I am under no delusion that this is more than what it is or that it will ever be more than what it is. Which is why it’s a good idea for me to probably distance myself from him. He’s not looking out for my best interests. He’s given me all the warnings. This is just what I need to do to save myself. I don’t have the love yet but as I stated the other night because we do have such a great time, great conversations and understand each other this is the moment that I run because I can already see the end of this chapter of my book and it doesn’t end well for me.

My friend seems to think that I’ve never “fallen in love” because I’m scared and without risks there is no reward. I’m sure he’s right. When I do start to feel anything I step back and go into witness protection. I understand that I can’t keep blaming things on my flaws but it is what it is. Of course, my friend has been married three times already so my assumption is that he falls in love too easily.

Couple all that above with the fact that I really am not feeling comfortable in my own skin today I am in such a mood. It’s not sad, angry or depressed. I just think I’m being seriously realistic and very aware of my own current situation. Maybe I play things too safe. Maybe I’m too logic or realistic but I also know what I need to do to protect myself. That is what it is.

I will probably go into hibernation for a little while and do another challenge in September. I know that this month has kind of slipped through the cracks as far as my challenge but there’s been something strange in the air. It’s like, the more men are attracted to me the more I feel “not good enough”. The more I go out the more I feel like I need to stay home. The more I want something the more I feel like I won’t get it. It’s like my energy flow is fucked up and I’m not sure why. I’ve put some good energy out there in the last few weeks but not really feeling it come back to me.

It appears my mind, body, soul and heart are all in different places and I am not whole. I laid in bed the other night and just watched horror movie after horror movie. I don’t get the chance to do that much since half the people I watch movies with can’t stand horror movies but for some reason they were comforting in my current state.

I’ve been in this mood before but it’s been a while. Again, I’m not really sure where this is coming from except the logical dissection of my life right now. I’m not happy. I know that and I don’t know what will get me back to that happy place I was at just a few months ago. It’s no one else’s responsibility than my own to get myself there.

I just felt the need to get something out today. I’m not even sure I’m making sense right now but maybe someone who reads my diatribes of “feelings” will email some great piece of advice or some song that will just help my mood. Until then I think I’m going MIA for a little while.

I hope you’re all doing well. xXx

its-your-road-and-yours-alone-others-may-walk-it-with-you-but-no-one-can-walk-it-for-you-quote-1

Marching to the beat of no ones drum…

I’m sitting, working today and listening to some hard core music. It’s not really because I’m mad. I’m just really feeling some metal shit today. It may have something to do with the fact that as of today it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen the drummer. I have mixed feelings about this.

I’ve never had a FWB’s go this long so it’s over, like way over which makes me mad that he’s lied to me by telling me that he’d tell me when it’s over. I’m an easy person to make happy. Don’t lie, be respectful and be appreciative if I do anything that’s helpful. That’s all. So I can only assume that after 2 months he’s moved on or over it. There really is just no other reason. I wish guys just had the balls to say “Hey I’m seeing someone” or “I’m trying to make it work with my wife again” or “hey you just don’t interest me anymore” instead of ghosting someone. That’s just immature bullshit. But unlike most women out there I’m not going to post passive aggressive shit on social media. I’m not going to send some long message. I’m just going to disappear like we never knew each other.

I’m a bit sadder than I thought I’d be because I really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s fun and has great taste in music. But I don’t beg, question and I’m not really inquisitive so I won’t reach out to find out what’s gone on. If he doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I realize that he’s not as great as I once thought he was which means this is probably a blessing and not anything more serious.

The other part that sucks, he never really wanted the “F” part of this relationship. He was fine having the “WB” part on his terms but I wanted the friends part. I trusted him. I let him in as the friend I thought he could be and none of that means anything. I have been loyal, trusting, supportive and completely had this guys back since the first day I’ve ever met him and that was before knowing him at all because I felt he was a good man. I literally couldn’t stand anyone to talk shit about him. I don’t know why I assumed that role since day one.

I’m glad that I never let him in my heart. That’s for sure. I never expected this to go anywhere and I heeded his warnings the entire time but we were supposed to be FRIENDS… I told him in the beginning of all of this that this was going to be on his terms because he had so much more going on than I do. I’ve never NOT been looking for love but I knew it wasn’t with him because he told me it wasn’t. I’ve also not been “waiting” for something different to happen over these last two months. I think I knew it was over after a month.

I’m a numbers girl. I’ve always liked numbers which is why I do accounting. I’m obsessed with dates and could name the most ridiculous dates that no one else would ever remember. That’s why I noticed today that it’s been 2 months exactly.

At first I blamed my crazy friend because the moment she finds out about anything it gets ruined. Then I blamed myself with the basic “I’m not good enough” crap that we all tell ourselves when things don’t work out. Then I got pissed and now I’m just disappointed at myself for caring.

I was pissed because I did make him a priority for a while while I should have just kept him as an option. I did cancel plans to go see him on occasion and I think I’ve always given him more of myself than he deserved. All my fault but all things I would have done for any friend. That’s where guys usually mistake things. He might have thought that I was “falling for him” when I was doing things for the friend in him. As I’ve said before that if I started “falling for him” he’d probably never have seen me because I knew he was never a good idea. That chemistry though, didn’t care about any of it.

Everything happens for a reason… I really hate that phrase when I have to use it. Ugh, I hate feeling anything. Like I said this sucks more than expected and I’ll have to figure out why since I knew this wasn’t a “forever” thing. It’s not that I can’t just move on to another FWB at this point but I don’t like to “replace” people either. I need to feel this, figure out my thoughts and then be completely single for a little while with no FWB’s. I just hate that I have to “move on” from a friend.

Anyway, this is not a poetic post by any means and I really just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so maybe this will help.

… and now on to your regularly scheduled Friday. Mine is a nice dinner with friends and maybe a movie night. Who knows. Hope you’re having an amazing Friday. xXx.

In-order-to-be-free-we-must-learn-how-to-let-go.-810x405

Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

letgowhatcannotchange