Marching to the beat of no ones drum…

I’m sitting, working today and listening to some hard core music. It’s not really because I’m mad. I’m just really feeling some metal shit today. It may have something to do with the fact that as of today it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen the drummer. I have mixed feelings about this.

I’ve never had a FWB’s go this long so it’s over, like way over which makes me mad that he’s lied to me by telling me that he’d tell me when it’s over. I’m an easy person to make happy. Don’t lie, be respectful and be appreciative if I do anything that’s helpful. That’s all. So I can only assume that after 2 months he’s moved on or over it. There really is just no other reason. I wish guys just had the balls to say “Hey I’m seeing someone” or “I’m trying to make it work with my wife again” or “hey you just don’t interest me anymore” instead of ghosting someone. That’s just immature bullshit. But unlike most women out there I’m not going to post passive aggressive shit on social media. I’m not going to send some long message. I’m just going to disappear like we never knew each other.

I’m a bit sadder than I thought I’d be because I really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s fun and has great taste in music. But I don’t beg, question and I’m not really inquisitive so I won’t reach out to find out what’s gone on. If he doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I realize that he’s not as great as I once thought he was which means this is probably a blessing and not anything more serious.

The other part that sucks, he never really wanted the “F” part of this relationship. He was fine having the “WB” part on his terms but I wanted the friends part. I trusted him. I let him in as the friend I thought he could be and none of that means anything. I have been loyal, trusting, supportive and completely had this guys back since the first day I’ve ever met him and that was before knowing him at all because I felt he was a good man. I literally couldn’t stand anyone to talk shit about him. I don’t know why I assumed that role since day one.

I’m glad that I never let him in my heart. That’s for sure. I never expected this to go anywhere and I heeded his warnings the entire time but we were supposed to be FRIENDS… I told him in the beginning of all of this that this was going to be on his terms because he had so much more going on than I do. I’ve never NOT been looking for love but I knew it wasn’t with him because he told me it wasn’t. I’ve also not been “waiting” for something different to happen over these last two months. I think I knew it was over after a month.

I’m a numbers girl. I’ve always liked numbers which is why I do accounting. I’m obsessed with dates and could name the most ridiculous dates that no one else would ever remember. That’s why I noticed today that it’s been 2 months exactly.

At first I blamed my crazy friend because the moment she finds out about anything it gets ruined. Then I blamed myself with the basic “I’m not good enough” crap that we all tell ourselves when things don’t work out. Then I got pissed and now I’m just disappointed at myself for caring.

I was pissed because I did make him a priority for a while while I should have just kept him as an option. I did cancel plans to go see him on occasion and I think I’ve always given him more of myself than he deserved. All my fault but all things I would have done for any friend. That’s where guys usually mistake things. He might have thought that I was “falling for him” when I was doing things for the friend in him. As I’ve said before that if I started “falling for him” he’d probably never have seen me because I knew he was never a good idea. That chemistry though, didn’t care about any of it.

Everything happens for a reason… I really hate that phrase when I have to use it. Ugh, I hate feeling anything. Like I said this sucks more than expected and I’ll have to figure out why since I knew this wasn’t a “forever” thing. It’s not that I can’t just move on to another FWB at this point but I don’t like to “replace” people either. I need to feel this, figure out my thoughts and then be completely single for a little while with no FWB’s. I just hate that I have to “move on” from a friend.

Anyway, this is not a poetic post by any means and I really just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so maybe this will help.

… and now on to your regularly scheduled Friday. Mine is a nice dinner with friends and maybe a movie night. Who knows. Hope you’re having an amazing Friday. xXx.

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Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

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Revelations and challenges…

It is 8 o’clock in the morning and I have been up since 5 o’clock after going to bed at 2 o’clock. Not the first time you’ve heard that I don’t sleep much. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that I had a full 8 hours of sleep that actually made me feel rested and better the next day. Lately, I know that it’s because my head really can’t be turned off.

I started my July challenge 2 days early and thought that with the exercise program that I’d be passed out, in a good way, when I finally did hit the bed. That hasn’t happened and that’s been after and hour long session at the gym and an hour long hike. Neither helped.

I decided to do my July challenge this month with my crazy friend. She needs to get healthy and I suggested this in hopes that it would motivate and help her. If you’ve been here before my challenge is that for an entire month I pick five things that I want to do everyday. For this challenge she and I decided that if either one of us doesn’t complete all things (hers is only 3 things) then we put a $1.00 in a jar. When we get enough to take a vacation or do something fun then we use that money.

My challenge is usually the same each month but it keeps me motivated so that’s a good thing. For the entire month of July these are my five things:

  1. Eat Keto everyday.
  2. Exercise everyday, mostly getting in my 10,000 steps a day.
  3. Clean every day.
  4. Read every day.
  5. NO MEN!

Something about my challenge is new but it came about because of recent happenings (or not-happenings) and a discussion with my crazy friend. You all know here how private I am. Well, I hadn’t told my crazy friend about what was going on with the drummer when it started except that he and I were still talking and friends. I left it at that. A couple months ago she came to one of his shows, not knowing anything and was sitting at the table with THE friend and me. At one point THE friend had gotten up and either hugged me or kissed my forehead or something and my crazy friend was watching the band on stage… or more-so the drummer and from whatever look he had on his face she immediately pointed her finger at me and said, “Oh My God! You two are fucking! Because (drummer) just got jealous!”

My reply was, “What? You are so wrong. He probably has something in his contact” But then a bit after that she saw a message come through on my phone from him that said something about coming over and something dirty. At this point I couldn’t hide it anymore nor could I hide the bite marks but just gave her basics, explained to her that it was nothing and that we were just friends.

One reason that I keep things to myself is that I HATE to be repeatedly asked about them. This is what happened. Every time I saw her after that it was, “So, what’s going on with you and (drummer)?” She learned quickly that I didn’t really go deep into detail. However, one night, we had partaken in some fun stuff and been drinking a bit and she was able to get more out of me. This was not that long ago when I’d finally said, “It’s over. I’m done.”

She’s asked me a lot of questions over the last week or so and had a lot of “advice” even though I wasn’t asking for it. One thing she said was that there had to be a reason why, after all that’s happened in a year and a half, how he and I were still friends and in each others lives. I ask myself that a lot as well especially if it ends like this. But two things baffled her about his and my situation. One, how do I keep my “feelings” out of it? The second was how am I not jealous of the other women?

Actually, great questions. I first told her that it would be hard to understand being that she is such an emotional person. I then explained that I never went in this with my heart open. In the beginning he was taken and now he’s treating women like a buffet which he should. There’s no room for emotions here. Then, I explained about the jealousy thing. So, one thing I learned in my spiritual journey is that all the negative things in life stem out of attachment. Once you stop or change your view of attachment you realize that a lot of negative emotions, including jealousy go away. At the end of the day, he is and has never been “mine” because humans are not property.

Then she asked a question which I really had to think about. She said, “If he came to you and said he WANTED to be in a relationship with you would you open your heart?”

The first thing I thought was, “How have I never really thought about that before?” My answer is probably because I’m not a typical girl that girl brains things. Yet another reason why he pissed me off so much with his reply last week. But after a while of thinking I said, “Here’s the thing. I like spending time with him. I enjoy his company. If he sat me down and said that he was serious and that he wanted me to open my heart to him then I would try it.” However, there’s not been much “trying” on his part through all this. I mean, I go see HIM at a show or I go to HIS home. It’s always on his schedule, doing what HE wants. There’s been no equality in anything we’ve done. Which leads me to my next thought.

I think that I require a different type of love from a man than he is able to give to me, or anyone. I’m not a woman that needs to be saved, smothered or treated like an idiot but I am a woman who has so many scars from my past that I need an unselfish, unconditional and non-judgmental type of love. I need a man that has the strength to pull me out of myself and wake my soul up. I don’t and have never gotten the impression that he even wants to know my soul let alone wake it up.

But, at the end of the day, it’s all a moot point because I’m not doing anything with any man for 31 days. I’m cleansing myself. I’m taking care of myself and I really am going to be selfish this month. This also happens to work out perfectly because one of those other men that I talked about last year, he’s coming home at the end of July. He left the country for work months ago and he’s finally coming back.

I never gave this guy a nickname on here but I did talk about him a little bit. We have amazing conversations for hours. He texts me all the time that he misses me. I don’t have the sexual chemistry that I have with the drummer with this guy BUT maybe that’s something that will come with time. I don’t know. I used to think that we’d just always be ONLY friends but that had great conversations but he’s been romancing a lot lately. It’s nice to have that, even if he is thousands of miles away right now. I miss the romance and the intimacy and the mutually great conversations. I guess I’ll have to give him a nickname at some point. I think I’d give up any and all FWB’s right now for a real, true romance. I’ve not had that in way too long. It’s something that I deserve and I know that.

So, my weekend was great. My challenge has started and I’m feeling amazing. I hope your weekend was amazing as well. What would YOU challenged yourself with this month? xXx

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Putting Together the Best Parts of a Man…

I have spent the last few years finding Mr. Right now except for the fact that most of the time I don’t even want them right now. My type used to be the basic tall, dark and handsome. Had those and that didn’t keep my attention. Then it moved to Latin men, that hasn’t stuck and now I’m just at, “I’d like to meet a man that doesn’t bother the shit out of me, respects me, has an appreciation for something other than his own reflection.” I say that having just had some text messages sent to me from the wrong guy who seems to think that I’m the right woman.

Why do I think I’m the wrong woman? Well, as I was driving back from dinner and game night tonight I was having a conversation with myself in my head and yes, that happens a lot. I was going over all the men I’ve met and that wanted to “get to know me” on some or any level. The one thing that they all had in common was that none of them knew me at all. They each knew pieces of me. Tiny, little pieces that I’ve chosen to let them know but nothing of significance. Even with the guys that I thought I loved, they’ve never seen all of me. I guess that’s a thing right? I guess that that’s how I’ll know he’s the right one, because I’ll let him see all of me.

This isn’t about me thinking that I’m some magnificent mystery or some great mystical muse. It’s about knowing who’s worth showing everything to because everything means the good, the bad and the ugly. It means he gets to see the sexy and the sweet and the bitter and the vulnerable. That last part is the part that I don’t do well with. I don’t like to show the vulnerable at all. Perfect example, I’ve been my boss’s ear for months now. I’ve seen him cry, scream, threaten suicide and I’ve seen his most vulnerable state but after 20 years, while he’s seen a lot of shit, he doesn’t get that from me. Which, sadly, if you think about it is the longest relationship either of us have ever had.

There’s so much that I keep from everyone, friends, family, guys I’m in relationships with. It’s been a problem for many. Some get pissed that I don’t confide in them, some have just given in to what is a flaw of mine and some are just not sure what to make of it. There is always a possibility that because others find it so easy to confide in ME, that this is over-compensation or something.

Anyway, so on my drive tonight I was thinking about my boss’s friend that I’d picked up a couple weeks ago. In the two hours that we drove around he had confessed things to me that he’d not told anyone. That happens a lot. My friends Mister did that to me too. That was problematic considering he was lying to her about things he was telling me the truth about which then made me have to be even more silent. At one point, the drummers wife has friend requested me on Facebook and I’d thought there would be another secret I’d have to keep, not from him but from her. Luckily I appeared to boring or something for her and she deleted me a couple weeks later but he didn’t even know she’d done it.

That was a weird situation in itself. The drummers wife. I knew of her, she knew of me. Either of us knew the extent of each other, I guess. I didn’t because I chose not to. I was afraid that she might ask me something as she’d had suspicions before but she never did. When I’d asked him why she deleted me he seemed surprised but it made no difference to me. He and I had once had a phone conversation where she was in the background and none of my messages to him were anything sexual. Like I’d said before I tried to switch our relationship to a business one. At the time it seemed like a good idea.

Around Thanksgiving though I’d gotten this weird feeling like their relationship was in trouble. He’d never said anything but there were signs. Then BAM, one day I get a message from a mutual friend that asked me about “consoling ‘drummer'” and our friend had said something about some posts he put out on Facebook. I’d reached out to the drummer and offered some advice, told him he could either take it, ignoring or tell me fuck off. He thanked me and that was it. I think I reached out once after that and asked if he was doing ok and got a simple answer back. But there’s a reason I’m going in to detail here. That’s the next part.

So, since day one of meeting this guy there was always something between us. I was not the first to feel it. He was. My Shaman friend had told me we’d known each other in another life and that we were meant for each other in some way, shape or form. I was resistant to this because, well, he was married. But also because he and I are SO much alike. In fact, we are 8 days apart. Which means we’re both Aquarius’s. This is both good and bad. It’s good because I know what he’ll do and it’s bad because I know what he’ll do. Plus, as much as he doesn’t mind me helping him out he’s certainly not gone out of his way to be my friend. That is an Aquarius trait. But at the end of the day, I believe in the movie “He’s just not that in to you”. By those standards, any man, if they want to be in your life will be.┬áNow, I take the things that I am deeply attracted to in him and place them in a jar along with the other traits from other men that I have liked and some that I’ve even loved and that’s what I ask for when setting my intentions on the full moon.

It’s hard to see past the signs which are usually all counter-productive. It’s hard to see past the Shaman saying that we’d been together in another life and that’s why our souls were drawn together in this one. It’s hard to see past the other people that can feel energy between us BUT I’ve been down this road before. What I do know is that I’ve heard his secrets, I’ve kept some of his secrets and I’ve not told anyone that I’m helping him that we both know. After all, I like my secrets. I like keeping him a secret too. I liked knowing that when he found out his wife has friend requested me that he was probably more worried about what she’d say to me than me spilling our secret. He and I have never discussed things after that and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him in person again but he makes an appearance in my dreams a lot. But, as a fellow Aquarian, it is in our birth right that we can ghost the people that we tend to care about the most more than any other sign.

What a terrible flaw we have. I have seen and done this ghosting all too well and yes, it can happen to someone that you love and care about more than anyone. I don’t know if it’s because we are so emotionally broken or detached that we feel it’s the only way to take control but it’s an annoying feature. I think that’s also why I’ve tried to switch us to a friend/business relationship instead of a fuck relationship. It’s much easier for me to ghost someone that there’s nothing to hold on to.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore and for who. I will admit that I’m finding it way too comfortable to be alone these days. Maybe I don’t want/need to be in a romantic relationship anymore. Maybe I’ve missed my chance and I’m clinging on to the men that I feel something, anything for. As I said, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. We shall see because tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities and new people.

That’s all for now, good night all xxx

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Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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Weekend breakdown without an actual breakdown…

This post is being started before a workout and birthday dinner and finish after hopefully so I’m not sure where this will all go.

This weekend had a lot to offer with no expectations. I knew before I’d even left work on Friday that my plate was full, I just wasn’t sure what it was full of. I came home first and took a small nap then got up, showered and got ready for dinner with the new guy. This was our first real official date-like date. I wore a skirt… This does not happen that much but I felt pretty. My hair was working with me and my makeup was understated. I was under no expectation that this would go well or be anything.

He picked me up, which I usually don’t like (it’s a control thing where I like to drive). We went to a nice restaurant downtown. He brought one flower which I left in his car and wore a suit. He valeted the car and made sure he motioned to the valet to let him open my door. We went inside, sat at our reserved table and just started connecting. He’d asked how my day was and didn’t settle for “fine”. We were already, quickly making plans for the next day but I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night.

On one of our many conversations previously, I’d mentioned a tiny bit of my history and he understands. Plus, we still don’t know each other that much but I will say when it does happen with him or anyone else I’m going to insatiable and probably won’t be able to stop. It’s just getting to that point, like a comical cartoon of fireworks. It’s not that he’s not attractive nor that I’m not attracted to him but I just don’t want to rush into anything. I see how well that turned out for me in the past.

I’ve talked about this before, that most of my meaningful relationships that were sexual were actually friends first then something more. The first man I was in love with and I had no type of sexual relationship for the first six months and it built up so much that it was great when we finally did. I’m just trying not to make mistakes here.

We ended up closing the restaurant down and not realizing it. I actually felt like we were having such a great time that I didn’t want it to end but knew it had to. Can’t move too fast here so he dropped me off but by the time we were done just sitting in his car talking it was early morning. He kissed my forehead and cheek and made sure that we were going to meet “for sure” the next day (or later that day).

I came in and just immediately got undressed, took my sleeping pill and just sat in a bath for a little while, while going over the evening. Parts of it were making me smile to myself like an idiot. There’s still nothing that I don’t like yet. Some of the things he says though are just uninhibitedly amazing. Like he has no filter but it’s all good stuff. He still touches at the right time and in the right way. It’s a strange thing. Is it possible that he might be too perfect?

So the next morning I was up way too early and before I knew it we were already on our way to an Octoberfest that my work was doing something for so I was at the beach and I was happy. We walked around and ate a little, drank a little and talked about going to another festival back in town that work was doing as well but I didn’t want to leave the beach. There was a third one that was north of where we both live that was a music festival which we’d talked about but I’d gotten a call from a girl friend saying that she’d had a really bad day and wanted to see if we could get together. I felt like I wasn’t ready to have him be my festival buddy totally yet so I told him that we’d end the day so I could see to my friend. He understood and now, because he’s inquisitive, he probably knows more about her than he does me.

I came home, did a quick change and went to my friends house. Her mom was there watching her baby and she and I chatted a while while my friend got ready. When she finally came down we were off to dinner where she and I both had a drink (have seriously had more drinks this week than this whole year). She told me about her really crappy day the day before. She’s gotten into a hit and run accident in her new car. Then her doctor had told her that the chances of her having another baby were much smaller than she’d thought. I felt like saying, “some of us have the reproductive system of a 20 year old (per my doctor) but have no viable options at this moment as to bring a child into this world with”. But I didn’t. I did tell her that she should have hope and that on the off chance that she doesn’t have another child she’s already made one pretty amazing one.

After that point she’d decided that she wanted to keep drinking. Since I was driving and she was actually starting to feel better I’d agreed and we were off to a bar. The conversation was getting pretty personal on her end and she was saying how much she appreciated that whenever she felt bad I was always there to take her out and make her feel better. That was nice to hear but she kept throwing out all these nice things and for some reason it was just making me feel strange. I think it just felt nice to be needed by a friend at that moment. I’m not sure.

By the time we left there it was also early morning and she was very, very drunk but happy. We sat in her driveway for a moment and sang stupid karaoke songs that we both knew and that made us both happy. We like doing stupid kid shit together, sans the drinking sometimes. She’d thanked me repeatedly for making her feel better and by he time she was drained enough to pass out and I was on my way home I was started to feel so very tired but my brain wouldn’t shut off.

I’d had a great evening the night before on my date. I’d had a great day on another date and at the beach and I’d ended the day with a good night with a friend who needed me. But my mind was racing. It wasn’t thinking about any of that. It was thinking about someone else that doesn’t give me the same courtesy.

Seriously, why? WHY? WHY? WHY? And yes, say that in a childish voice and stomp your foot. I meet this great guy who I’m having fun with and it has potential. It has so much potential. But what’s on my mind is that I sent THE friend a truthful message days before which he’s ignored. IGNORED. And I was sure that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him on our “Sunday”… We’ll get to that later.

I woke up Sunday and realized that I was exhausted from the weekend already but I had more things to do. I went with another friend to go check out this expensive car collection and get brunch. We chatted for a bit and he was trying to make plans with me next month and my mind is still swimming back to the shallow end. I was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy but it wasn’t working. I decided to cut our day short so I could take a nap and shower and thought maybe that would help.

Instead, I took a long bath, watched a movie and then get a sudden text from THE friend that he was on his way soon. My mind went straight to, “Are you kidding me?” “Who totally ignores a written emotional cry for help for this friendship and then acts as though it never happened?” Um, him. That’s who. So I said, to myself, that I was going to enjoy the evening whether I feel like I’m doing it all alone for not.

He shows up, makes a sandwich and sits at my computer. I thought my head was going to explode so I went out for a cigarette. But he was acting like he was trying to not do or say anything wrong, on egg shells. We do this to each other way too much. But each time I wanted to say something or something was upsetting me I would just go outside for a cigarette. It’s my escape and I know that. I don’t even enjoy it anymore but it’s the only way that I felt to get out of a situation that could erupt. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe we just need to blow up at each other. At least I’d get to see some sort of emotions from him. At least something would seem to matter to him.

I guess that’s a pretty effed up thing to think but we’re so stuck. I’ve heard of a three year itch in marriage but we’re not even anything anymore. It’s painful to watch this happen, as if I was a fly on the wall watching us. What am I even here for? There’s no communication, there’s no intimacy. It’s like two strangers sitting next to each other who just happen to be eating alone at a restaurant.

At one point he’d mentioned this line that he’d picked up from a commercial or something about the more scared someone gets the stupider the things they do are. For one moment I thought, is that your explanation? If so then what the hell are you scared about? Then I realized that was my girl-brain trying to analyze something that had nothing to do with me and I stopped. I would occasionally pick up my phone and smile about the guy that was missing me that I might find some joy with. And even less occasionally I’d write him back.

I’m so very confused because I have the opportunity to be with someone who’s has everything that I’m looking for. He’s so very happy to see me. We make each other laugh and smile. We WANT to be in each others company and all I can think about is, what the hell has happened to this relationship with THE friend that’s made this whole thing so convoluted. We spend only a few hours with each other once a week or every three weeks and I have a better relationship with my post man.

So I tried one more time to explain without anger what I’m feeling and I, again, got nothing. There’s a girl out there that he confides in, that he says good morning to, that he asks how her day was. I’m not asking to be that girl. I’m just asking to be that friend that was once worth more than ignoring, more than just a tap on the shoulder as he goes for the fridge. I’m asking to be a friend. Just because it takes only minutes for our text conversations to disappear from my view doesn’t mean they disappear from my mind. out of all the things that I could actually wish for right now, it’s to fix us but that’s pointless if I’m the only one who thinks something’s broken.

This is not me wanting what I don’t have. I’ve never “had” him but what we had used to be a lot better than this and if this is all there is then seriously, what’s the point. Why am I the only one who feels any pain because of this at all? I’m not even sure he’d notice if I moved away right now. I feel like I want to scream, “What the hell did I do to you that this is where we are?” and then I realize that I don’t have this with anyone else. And then I think if this is just this is that ok?… That’s my unanswered question this evening.

If there’s a friendship that’s dying in the woods but no ones around to hear me cry, does it actually matter? (That’s my second unanswered question this evening.)

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