Well, Houston, we have a problem. Again. The last couple days have been water weighted and weird. This city was under water today, again. While my heart goes out to anyone that has lost anything in this flood I have a strange fondness for Natural Disaster movies and it kind of felt like one today.
I’ve had a discussion several times with one of my best friends and my brother about why those movies are so fascinating to me. My opinion is the coming together of everyone in those movies. I think that’s my reason. I don’t know what theirs is.
So most of my morning was texting people back letting them know that I was ok and where I lived wasn’t flooding much. After that my power flickered throughout the day so I decided to take the day off. I unintentionally fell into a YouTube hole. I got lost in metal ballet. I watched hours worth of ballet to metal music. I realized just how much I love contrast.
I’ve said before I’m leather and lace, velvet and blades but truth is I really am. I like the ying and yang in life, the beauty and the beast, the hot and the cold. I absolutely LOVE orchestral music in metal songs. I love violin in metal songs. I like my formal dress with combat heeled boots. I like my blonde hair with my gothic lip or eyes.
My mom always said I was the darkest, most uncheery cheerleader she’d ever known and that’s the truth. I’d cheer with my pompoms during the week and when the weekend came around I would be goth from head to toe and dancing at a local club here usually high on something. I don’t regret any of that. I’ve always been like that. I like soft and rough.
I certainly have my dark side which to some seems more like a Halloween version of myself but to me it’s a daily thing. I’d always said if I’d ever gotten married I’d want to be in a black dress with a tiny bit of white and a lot more red. Not because it would be a dark day but because that’s part of who I am. I like the macabre. I like the interestingly dark. I like metal and industrial with a side of soft and soothing.
Now, with all that said, I like the light. I love sunsets and silk and cups of tea and acoustic songs and dressing up in my work attire and acting like a girl that likes talking with the boys. I like flirting and makeup and high heeled boots and short skirts and winged liner and expensive perfume. I like candles and incense and bubble baths and vanilla everything.
Some days I am 100% sure of who I am and some days I’m not. I am, as most of us are, a contradiction. I know from the quality of the men in my life that I am a pretty awesome person. I know by the quality of my friends that I am a pretty awesome person. What I have trouble with is when I come across a man that I want that doesn’t feel the same as I do or vice versa. Then today, I had an ah-ha moment.
I’d fallen down the rabbit hole of youtube videos and my mind drifted off into what it was about this last dude that I just couldn’t be with. I think that I realized he was, to me, one dimensional. I can’t handle a one dimensional man. He’s the type of man that listens to one genre of music and watches the “it” shows on TV and doesn’t go out of his comfort zone.
For some reason I’m reminded of a funny story. My crazy friend and I were driving around town shopping one evening when she dropped a bomb on me. She told me this insane lie that someone had told about me. If you care to scroll I think I told this story last year but I’ll sum up. So, her Mister had a band. This is the same band that the drummer was in. Their guitarist had gotten in trouble for some shit with his wife and to get himself out of trouble he’d told his wife that my crazy friend AND I were sleeping with her Mister.
There’s so many things wrong with this story aside from the fact that it’s just disgusting to me to think about her Mister like that. BUT, the night she told me that she said she’d heard it from another friend of ours. So not only was this lie out in the world but my friends heard it… Fuck that. I was so so pissed because at the time I had been keeping so many secrets and had been a good friend to people and I was just livid.
My outlet, that night, was to listen to some hard core metal in the car. I knew my crazy friend hated that music but it was kind of her fault all this was happening so I didn’t care. After an hour or so she’d asked if she could plug in her phone to charge it and I replied, “Fine but I need to hear some hard shit cause I’m pissed”. She went through her phone and found the hardest music she had… Black Eyed Peas. Not kidding about that.
We all have different tastes and I can handle that. I don’t expect anyone else to like the exact same things as I do. However, do I think that listening to Disturbed and then to Enigma is a huge stretch… No. I don’t.
It’s not that I assign every single guy I’m dating, about to date or dated a strict set of musical guidelines but there is something to be said about someone’s musical tastes. Of course I consider other things. I ask other questions but it all boils down to a feeling and a lot of times, for me, that feelings comes from song. I really can describe all of the men that have come in and out or are still in my life through either a song, a band or a genera.
As I said, there are other things I look at. Literally, their eyes. I need to be able to look at their soul through their eyes and feel like they’re doing the same thing. Most people look away after you’ve looked in their eyes for a while. I do that to everyone though. Just to see their reaction. I like to see how long they can keep eye contact. Most of the time, if you ask them a question and they either feel uncomfortable about answering or they’re lying they’ll look away then. I do like to see if I can make someone uncomfortable though. Is that wrong?
I’m in a weird mood tonight. I’m happy and giddy but for no reason what-so-ever. I think I enjoyed my trip around the city tonight and my relaxing day off work. I’m sure tomorrow will be busy but then it’s the weekend and I get to do whatever the hell I want. Not that I don’t do that anyway.
I also wanted to answer some questions that came in. Most of these were asked more than once so that’s where I’ll start:
- You said THE friend and his gf broke up… What does that mean for you? Uh, nothing. I explained in several previous posts that I was never truly in love with him. We are friends. ONLY friends. Not FWB’s. I only want a platonic relationship from him.
- Sometimes it doesn’t seem like you really want to date anyone. Do you? Actually, yes. I have for a long time. Years ago I wanted to be in a relationship because I was lonely. That’s changed. I love my alone time and I like being single but I truly want to find someone to share my world with. Not all the time. Maybe once a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I don’t want to be in a life sucking relationship that a lot of people I know are in. I want something that makes us both grow equally together. I want to be a blessing not a bother in someone else’s life. I want equal parts laughter, music, happy, beauty, peace, excitement, passion, friendship, growth, dark and light. I want the ying to my yang or vice versa which ever is the female version of that.
- You haven’t talked about the drummer in a while… ? He’s not been around for a while. I miss him but I can never get comfortable with him because I expect he’s either gone back or will go back to his wife or he’s off being single. In truth there’s not a whole lot about him that I didn’t like. However, I’ve always known that he has never truly appreciated me like he should, even just as a friend. I know that it’s a bad thing when I just don’t expect to hear from him and I’m ok with that. I think he’s treated ME poorly as a friend but I still think he’s a good person. I’ve spent several months of this year going to see him, doing what he wanted and making sure HE was happy. That was never reciprocated. But maybe his chapter in my book is over. No regrets.
… and weirdly those have been the most asked questions lately. Now it’s off to watch some crap TV for a couple hours before I slide into bed to have some great dreams. Nite xXx…