Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

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Imagine This… A meaningful quote with a side of signs.

A while back I was perusing this site Tiny Buddha Site and came across this piece of wisdom:

“Imagine This: If you had $84,400 in your account and someone stole $10.00 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10.00? Or move on and live? Right, move on a dn live. See, we have 86,400 seconds each day. Don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the remaining 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.”

Even though we all knew that… Isn’t it more powerful spelled out like that? That stuck in my mind since I saw it. It’s even better when something comes to you at a time of much needed contemplation anyway. Like today, or tonight…

Before leaving for a nice dinner I had an even better workout. It was one of those workouts that I was almost in pain but I didn’t want to stop so it turned into an almost hour and half of intense awesomeness. That makes me happy for so many reasons but one of those is that when I run or walk it gives me time to think.

If you read my posts you’ll already know just how much I’m into signs. The problem with signs though is that they are never what you want, nor expect. I heard once, somewhere, that the universe or God first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention you get a tiny pebble thrown at you in hopes of you picking up that sign… If you are STILL not listening then you get a brick thrown at your head. I am someone who’s had to have a lot of bricks thrown at me.

Let me explain my type of situation… This is a scenario of something that could possibly happen to me as things similar have:
– I’d get five flyers in my mailbox that had something to do with my car. Ignore them all. That’s the whisper.
– Then I’d have someone I knew have something happen to their car and in the same instance they’d say something like, “You should get your car checked out. This should be a lesson to you. That would be the pebble.
– I’d run out of gas or my check engine light comes on and my car stops on the freeway… That would be the brick.

So my point being is we all get some sort of signs in our lives leading up to what our next “step” or “stage” should be… It’s just whether or not we actually choose to listen to it. Recently I have had that happen. It was a health thing but I pretty much had the whisper, the pebble, the brick and finally a freight train barrel toward me before I finally listened.

Since I’m trying to meditate more now, which actually just turns into sessions of me thinking too much, I realized that there’s been a few instances of this lately. First instance was this health issue which I finally listen to. The second, which I have not listened to just yet is this place where I live. There have been signs that I shouldn’t be here for years but yet I stay.

Mostly my reasons for not moving are because moving sucks. I live 5 miles from work which would be about 25 minutes to bike there once I get my new bike but it’s also because I have way too much shit. Lastly, It’s because I’ve always thought that I’d leave here when I would be moving in with someone else.

That last thought brought me to another “Sign” that I’ve been ignoring. Staying in this town I’m in. The reasons why I’ve stayed here so long, I used to feel, they outweighed the bad. That is not the case and I don’t think it’s been the case for sometime now.

Reason 1: My job – I’ve been here for almost 18 years… That’s a long fucking time. I make decent money but it’s not challenging. It’s not fun and I work for an asshole who is more selfish than anyone else I know which just makes me want to dick punch him all the time. That’s not a good place that I want to be in.

Reason 2: The friends – This one is a bit strange because I realized that when my brother threw me a surprise party the hotel room that he bought for the night held about 10% of the people that I actually spend my time with. I have friends everywhere in all my little worlds so I can move wherever and I’d still be spending time with people that I shared history with.

Reason 3: I like this city. Most of the people that I know who’ve moved away don’t appreciate this city because they lived a sheltered life and never ventured out much. I’m not saying this is a perfect place but it’s got some great qualities.

Reason 4: I was far enough from my family that I didn’t need to see them all the time but was still close enough to get there if needed.

Reason 5: THE friend. Yep, it absolutely sucks to admit that I’ve stayed here longer than I ever wanted to because of THE friend. Some convoluted part of my brain thought that the longer I stayed here the more potential he’d have to realize just how awesome we’d be together. That occurred somewhere in my subconscious because my conscious thought always knew the reality of “us”. That reality has just become so loud in my mind and I’m not ok being stuck in this weird, boring, limbo rut that we’re in as friends. I’m not ok with any of it.

The problem with reason 5, in the past, has been that all the “signs” were pointing to a much different future for us. I wanted to believe in those signs so badly that I’d miss anything else. My mind is much more open to receiving now and it’s sees things in an entirely different way. I stopped reading the signs how I wanted to interpret them and finally l saw what I was meant to see which means I was finally ready to see it.

So the moral of the story here is a few things. First, don’t let someone else’s 10 minutes of shit kill the rest of your 86,390 minutes of a day. Second, watch out and listen for signs. Pay attention before you get freight trained. Lastly, when the reasons stay become so much less than the reasons to leave then it’s time to go.

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My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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OCD overdrive and other rambling thoughts…

It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.

Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.

It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.

The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.

See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.

That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.

I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.

While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.

I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.

I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?

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What to do when it’s over…

I’m speaking of the holiday’s, I think, when I title this post. But I guess that they’re not entirely over until after the New Years parties right? I’m not sure and I still haven’t decided what I’m doing for new years yet. So indecisive…

But what about the Christmas holiday? Well, it was great. That wasn’t sarcasm either. I got there early Friday morning and my niece was so excited to see me. However, I was so excited to see a coffee mug first. Yes, it was that early. We played around then went out to shop a bit, came back and played some more. A few hours later my sister-in-laws brother got there so there were two single adult children to play with my niece.

She’s an amazing little ball of energy and, I know this is said all the time, but she’s so crazy smart. I carry on conversations with her as if she were my intellectual equal. There’s no baby talk in the house and she’s treated very adult like but able to act like a kid which is something that I probably envy a bit. After a long night and a bit of drinking, a lot of laughing and just being exhausted I finally fell asleep without much help from my sleeping pills.

Saturday came around and it was up early, coffee (of course) and a lot more playing. My brother is building her a real life castle playhouse in the backyard so there’s a lot of mud, sand and all other things that make laundry a much needed thing, much quicker than normal. Then my parents got to my brothers house early, like super early. So the passive aggressive remakes came out a lot quicker about why I never visit them. That part was awesome (yes that WAS sarcasm) but we quickly shot that down by playing a few games of poker.

Poker is my dad’s game but after a few bad hands I think he realized that I inherited his luck or skill for the game. I was taking his money quickly and that was fun. After an hour or so of this it was time to get ready for the sister-in-laws family Christmas eve dinner. There were a lot of people there but aside from my niece I was the youngest. So she and I played a lot trying to ignore the adult conversations around the room.

My sister-in-laws grandparents are still alive and well in their 90’s. Both, once, strong roll models but now are wither away quickly. They’ve both fought a long hard battle with sickness, struggles and copious amounts of things that we’ll never know but I found out some things about her grandfather which left me in awe but also saddened at the fact that I would never get to speak with him in the prime of his life. He is a doctor and one of the first that helped the victims of the Holocaust. He also testified at the Nuremberg Trials. He has some amazing knowledge in his mind which is getting hazier each day.

Those are stories that he’d rather forget which is understandable. However, they are part of history and he was on the good side. He was/is an amazing brilliant man that has turned into a shell of someone who is so very ready to let go of his physical self. He and his wife are ready to go and from what I heard it’s a bit like The Notebook. I’d say yuck to the reference if I wasn’t so in awe of his knowledge.

So after the party we all went back to my brothers house where we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and went to bed a bit earlier mostly due to the fear that my parents would be showing up before the requested time that we offered. But to our amazement they all landed at the house at the same time. One car pulled in, then another, and another… The stockings went quickly and then it was time to open presents from under the tree. I am usually less excited to open mine because I’m more excited to see others open mine.

I got each person exactly what they asked for. That’s always the fun part for me is getting them what they want. I got all the things I’d asked for as well but I tended to be practical. Silk sheets, towels, electronics… those types of things. After that I started packing to make sure I left on time. As I said the other day, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to stay more than I wanted to come home. I had no desire to come home to a lonely cold home.

Before I left though there was one more gift to open. I’d addressed it to the “kids at heart” and to the “adult children”. I’d purchased four snowball guns and a lot of boxes of LED lighted snowballs. Once opened it was open season on anyone who got in our way. We were loud, running everywhere and having a blast. My niece was running around finding all the snowballs and then loading her gun first then offering them to me. As my brother was loading his she stood in front of me saying, “You can’t hit her… She’s my best friend”. Which yes, even with a stone cold heart made me feel like the grinch at the end of the movie.

Most times, when I leave there is not a big deal made about it from my niece. She’s usually the one saying she’s tired and wants to nap so it’s a quick hug and a “bye!”. This was the first time that she cried. She cried so much that it tore my heart up. There was tears and snot and holding on for dear life… It was a scene that is stuck in my mind right now and has been. No one said, “suck it up” or “you’ll be fine”. It was acknowledged, she was told that she could feel whatever she wanted to and then I left. I left happy that she wasn’t told to hide her feelings or to ignore them. They are teaching her to FEEL! That’s a luxury that I never got and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My drive home was nice. I thought about the weekend and was talking to my ex most of the way. He’d asked me to go with him to San Francisco. He’s traveling there for work and spent most of the conversation saying exactly the things that I wanted to hear. How he loved me, cared so much for me and was just excited to get the opportunity to see me and treat me to something. He literally said every single thing I NEEDED to hear before I was about to arrive at my quiet lonely home.

We left the conversation by me saying, “I’ll think about it seriously. I promise”. Which I am. However, when I got home there was a car in my parking spot and I knew that for the moment that I walked in my home I wouldn’t be alone. But I also knew that there was no telling how long I’d have some companionship.

I walked in and THE friend was here. He’d been here since Friday and I was happy to know that he was in a place that someone appreciated him in. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Treading on thin frozen water because I know he hates the holidays I didn’t really say anything about my trip but then again he didn’t ask either. I then took a nap and woke up a little delighted the he was still here.

That’s always the problem when he stays. I usually feel myself already being disappointed because I know that he could decide to get up and leave at any given moment. That some girl will text or call him wanting to see him and then he’d leave. This time went a bit different though. I stayed in the moment and just engaged when he wanted to and didn’t when he was off in another world, or another person. We are so far in the “friendzone” that it’s disgusting.

The good thing is that I no longer worry that my hairs perfect, that I have matching underwear on or that my legs are shaved because to him, it never mattered. So I get to just relax and act as though he’s just some girl friend or gay friend that’s here. I change with the door open. I sleep with no pants on and I no longer wait for him to crawl into bed just to be next to some warm body.

Since I know that this is all he wants out of us, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to be the one that he turns to for everything or that we don’t have to have some talk or argument that might just change the way everything turns out. I’m not as offended when he says stupid mean shit. I am better at not getting upset that I know he’s wishing he was next to any other girl than me. There are still times that I say things that are probably out of jealousy but also because I know he’s better than he acts.

Things no longer feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Does this mean that I’m no longer in love with him? Does it mean that I’m no longer a masochist? Or does this mean that I’m just so used to him at this point that nothing he does surprises me? I’m not really sure about any of that right now and the difference is that not having those answers no longer keep me up at night…

There was a time not long ago that I still help out hope that he would surprise me in a grandiose way. Some huge sign that this was always meant to be something more than a normal friendship but that is also gone now. I think that I am a bit sad about the fact that he’ll never surprise me in a good way again. But I guess that’s all part of getting over it all. Strangely all I wanted for Christmas was a few nice kind words from him and I’d have been the happiest I’ve been in a long time about us.

I came home tonight and figured out that he’d left about five minutes before I got home. Again, no surprise there but I wasn’t as sad as I usually am to find him gone. I was able to “take care of myself”. Take a nice long shower and write here. Those are things that are great home alone things to do even though I’d brought him something that he needed. That’s what I get for trying to please someone that can’t be pleased or doesn’t want to be. Not really sure when I’ll see him again. We shall see especially since I only saw him by accident this weekend. I actually think he was disappointed that I came home when I did. I think he welcomes being in my home more when I’m not in it.

So, those are some of the tales of my Christmas holidays. It’s time to start thinking about the new year, to a healthier, happier New Year. Hopefully I’ll get one with some good surprises from someone else this year. I’m so crazy tired right now that it’s all I can do to finish this. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I appreciate all of you for your kind words and for listening to me on these crazy ramblings.

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Tis The Season To…

Unlike years before, tis the season to appreciate a lot more, to be grateful and to realize just a bit more what you want out of life. Well, it is for me. So I figured that I would do my lists before I’m off out of town in the morning.

I am grateful for this year…
That I have friends of every variety that are amazing.
That I have found myself in a happier place than this time last year.
That I have had the opportunities to travel, go to concerts and do a few things I’ve never done before.
That my niece tells me I’m her best friend.
That I didn’t settle for a boy just because he loved me.
That I’ve met new people this year and can call a few of them friends.
That I’ve spent more time with people that are so much different than I am.
That I’ve started to see the good in everything even when it feels like there isn’t any.
That I’ve had a job that I like and do well.

There’s still a long way to go for me. That’s where the new year comes in. I know it all sounds cliche but it’s the perfect time. The first is on a Sunday so it’s brand new year, week and day. There’s no better way to start. I’ll need help and hopefully I’ll find the strength to ask for it this time.

Some of the things that I am putting on my list for the new year…
I want to get healthy, once and for all. I need to have people in my life that are supportive of that goal and that will help.
I want to do more things that I’ve never done like take a cooking class, maybe finally get a dog again and spend more time outdoors.
I’d like to get back to a place with my BFF that doesn’t feel so distant which is my fault.
I’d like get to a place where none of THE friends actions, words or lack of feelings doesn’t bother me at all. As much as we’ve had our issues I don’t want to have a life without him in it.
I’d like to move maybe not away but away from where I am. I need to find some better, new energy.
I want to continue growing, learning and getting to a better place overall with my life.
I want to check off a lot of classic movies that I’ve still never seen. Maybe I’ll use the rainy days for that.
I want to volunteer more.
I want to spend less money.
I want do something that makes a difference to someone else.

Because of all that on my list I’m going to be asking the universe for a lot but not more than I can handle.
I’m asking the universe for patience, love and understanding. I am looking for guidance and peace and lots of laughter.
I am asking for someone who makes me feel the good parts of what THE friend makes me feel and who loves me back unconditionally. Trust is, I’d take a carbon copy… Well, without all the girlfriends and maybe less of the bad moods but more sweet gestures and an unlimited amount of love.
I’m asking for signs that I should either let go of my current job and move somewhere else or stay for just a bit longer.

In each and every year, month, day even I am beginning to see the better parts of it rather than the worst. I have resigned to understand that routine isn’t a rut but what I need to do to survive. I also understand that maybe I wasn’t mean for “normal”. Maybe marriage, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence just isn’t in the cards for me and I might just be okay with that.

There are things about my life that I love and I plan to focus on those things. I’ll eventually find a rhythm and a groove that I’m the most comfortable in. Some days I’d like to just know that I won’t spend my life alone in the end because I was too picky or because I wouldn’t settle for feeling something less that someone else.

I might never be one of those people that wakes up with a ray of sunshine coming out my ass (as my boss puts it) or one that finds beauty in a swirling plastic bag but it doesn’t mean that the happier moments won’t mean as much. It does mean that the not so great moments are not so bad anymore.

I’m starting to sound like one of those self-help books or Tedtalks or something. I don’t know. My world just feels different lately… Better. The last part of this year will be spent ridding myself of things I don’t need anymore. Taking things to Goodwill and cleaning other things.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing for new years eve yet. I’ve had three invites so far but I want to do something different. Bringing in the new year with the same people doing the same thing just doesn’t seem right or interesting.

So that’s my random rambling tonight. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, holiday or weekend, whatever you choose to celebrate. Remember, “Peace, Love and don’t give a shit!”

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Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

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