Occam’s Razor Part II and some real rawness…

It’s a day away from Thanksgiving where it’s all about thankfulness and giving and family and friends and gathering. I can’t actually tell how excited I am. I’m actually doing a quick turnaround trip going to the family Thursday morning and back home by Friday afternoon. My boss asked if it was because my family was getting on my nerves and my reply was, “No but this is how they don’t” I also told him he was getting on my nerves though. Luckily he’ll be leaving tomorrow for a week. This only reminds me that I am in need of a vacation so bad.

I am looking forward to seeing my family, mostly my niece but will enjoy the rest as well. My biggest issue with all of them is that they passively aggressively ask me about my dating life. I really can’t stand that. If I ever get to the point to introduce them to someone I’m dating then maybe they’ll be quiet. I just haven’t ever been at that point.

When my crazy friend and I went to stay at my brothers a few weeks ago there was this point where she and my brother were talking in the kitchen while I was out on the trampoline. She said they were talking about me and my reply was, “Nope, nope you weren’t and no I don’t want to know”. I really don’t think some people understand just how secret I like to live my life. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong it’s just that it’s no one else’s business. If I want to talk about those things then I will.

I would say that out of all my social media crap I use Instagram the most and at best I only post 2% of my life on there. I don’t really know where this secrecy came from or why but some of it comes from the fact that when I do mention something that makes me happy it does seem to go away. Like there’s some sort of spell on me. I’m aware that sounds bat-shit and paranoid but I don’t really think someone put a spell on me but I do believe in bad energy from others seeping into my world which is probably why I try to do so much good.

The last time I was really having a good time… towards the beginning of this year. When the drummer and I were spending time together. At first, I didn’t tell anyone and especially my crazy friend. One day she’d seem some messages come through my phone that he’d sent that pretty much confirmed what we were doing and then she knew. I actually hated that she did. I hated that THE friend knew about us but I didn’t want to go to the drummers shows alone because that appeared to girlfriend-like.

The only friend that I didn’t mind going with me was Dan and that was because he could read aura’s which he did and that’s a whole other post there. But once the crazy friend knew she was always asking what was going on and what we were doing. Sometimes she’d ask and I’d just sit there and stare at her until she’d ask something else.

I have this one friend of mine that is like a little sister to me. She’s the one that I’ve written about when we have our New Years tradition and one that didn’t wait for a man to get her pregnant and decided to have a baby on her own. I get to be his auntie too. But she hears some of my stories about the people around me especially my crazy friend and she always asks me why I continue to stay around these people because they don’t appear to be that great. She’s never been a fan of my ex Dan either because I was so much younger than him when we were together. I don’t agree with that position but she can have her own opinion.

Anyway, it seemed like the more and more the crazy friend asked about the drummer and I the less and less time we got to spend together. After one night that she’d come with me to his show and she actually saw us interact together I think she got jealous because then she’d always talk about all these messages he send her and the fact that she just ignores them. I told her the last time we spoke that if she was trying to imply that he was flirting with her every time he reached out to invite her to a show that I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that’s the last time we’ve spoken really.

The drummer and I haven’t seen each other since I went with Dan 2 months ago. About a week after that the drummer asked me to meet him on a Friday, I think and then I never heard from him again that night. Two months goes by and no apology and no explanation. I was pissed at first but excused it away. Then, last week, I get a message from him asking “Are you alive?” After we bantered for a minute or two he’d said he missed me which would have been great to hear if it wasn’t followed by asking for a favor.

I understand that he’s having issues in life right now. I get that and I am sympathetic which is why I never bitched about what he did. However, I’ve spent months excusing his behavior and actions away. Add that to the fact that for two months of silence I get to hear from my crazy friend that he’s been reaching out to her… Yeah, I’m not that girl who deals with that.

He then had the nerve to say that I’d promised something and hadn’t delivered. Here’s the thing. I HAD delivered and I probably could deliver again on that promise except why would I continue to go out of my way to help someone who’s NEVER truly treated me like a friend. So we have a few great nights together but he also made a promise to me and I’m pretty sure that’s been broken for months now. I made him promise that when this was over for him he’d tell me out of courtesy… Never happened and he expects me to show up to every single show like a loyal puppy… I refuse to be a mistress.

I’ve always been well aware that this “FWB’s” was NEVER about the friend piece for him and it’s always been pretty one sided. He’s never gone out of his way for me. We barely speak to each other and we certainly don’t confide in each other. I feel betrayed by someone that I was willing to be a loyal and private confidant to and to help out more than he would ever know going above and beyond what he ever thought. All I truly feel is hurt, lied to and fucking stupid.

I feel stupid because I’ve let someone take advantage of me because I felt some fucking stupid connection to. Apparently I was the only one that felt that connection truly because his side all seems like bullshit now. He’ll never know that he’s really hurt me and I tried, for the longest time to excuse all his actions away except the only explanation is  Occam’s Razor. The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct.

So basically we’ve not seem each other in over two months because he didn’t want to. We don’t talk because he didn’t want to. I’ve always told him that he’s the one with the busy life so it would be up to him to reach out and in the beginning that was the case. Then he disappeared like he never existed in my life.

Strangely, in my weird world, if he and I were just dating I’d write one line about him and move on but because I tried so hard to be friends first that’s where this stings. I’d shared things with him I’d never told anyone whether he remembers or not. All the things he told me stayed secret in my head, not to be shared with anyone because I am loyal and even now that whatever we were is officially over it will still never pass these lips. I won’t speak ill of him to anyone and I will miss watching him play at his shows. I will miss talking him up to strangers and I will miss those moments that we shared when no one else was around. I might even cry for those moments but I have so little patience for anyone who treats people like shit.

I’m so mad at myself here too because I didn’t see him like this at all. I honestly thought he was a good human. I thought that he had some damage from him past and that impacted the way he trusted people but I, in my soul, believe he was a good person who wouldn’t hurt me. The hardest part here is that’s all he’s done now.

I know that it’s hard to believe that I didn’t love him, yet. I mean I was in a lot of “like” with him but we never got close enough for me to feel anything more than a friend to him and like I said that’s the part that sucks the worst. I gave a lot of myself to him and did things that I’ve never done before because I felt close to him. I haven’t felt that closeness to him for awhile though and short of some miracle that occurs on his part it’s just over. There’s no discussion, there’s no finality or closure… It’s just done.

My Shaman once told me that the drummer was actually in love with me but like me, he runs from emotions and feelings. She said that he was stuck in his situation and that once he actually stopped for a moment and truly felt his feelings then things would change and that I’d get closer to him and we’d make each others lives better. She’s never been wrong before and for a while I wished that she wouldn’t be wrong now except I have very little patience for someone that uses someone and that treats someone who’s never done anything to them poorly.

So, I knew that I hadn’t written in a while and I knew that some of you had emailed and asked so I thought that I’d write one last post about him for closure. Yes I’m sad. No, I’m not heartbroken. Yes I’m pissed. I wish him true happiness. I wish that he figures out what he wants and needs in his life. I wish that he never feel the way that he’s made me feel but do want him to realize that he’s lost someone whom he should have treated a lot better than he did. I want him to have joy in his life, so much joy. I gave him something once that was made out of amethyst. It’s supposed to protect him from bad energy, give him positivity and protection. Maybe I should have kept that for myself the way I feel right now.

That’s what’s going on in my world that’s on my mind tonight. I will feel this and move on like I always do. Tomorrow is a new day. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and I am grateful that you all come here and interact with me. I thank you for all the amazing emails and comments (sorry I don’t post them all). I still believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and going through everything that I’m supposed to go through I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Nite xXx

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Emotions and Timing…

I’ve been super emotional all week as you can tell from my last post. It actually has to do with several different things. First, my ex is still suicidal and freaked out again the other night and it just fucked with my head. There’s nothing I can do or say to him to make him feel any better and I take on his emotions too much. I feel his sadness and I can’t not.

Next, my music mentor and I have been playing tag all week and he’s super emotional. He keeps telling me that he misses me and needs to hear my voice. Thing here is that I’m kind of upset that he’s put me in this role because I met him when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s or something and now after I’d told him how much he’s meant to me, as in my mentor, he’s taken that to mean something different and has admitted that he had feelings for me back then but couldn’t do anything. I still look at him as an adult that taught me so much and nothing more.

A few months ago he’d had one of his best friends pass and he’d asked if I’d be his funeral date. I said absolutely so he’d have a friend there but I had no idea that he had these feelings for me. He never made it down here but things came out of his mouth that I wasn’t aware of about his feelings and I seriously had no clue. I just couldn’t handle that.

Then topping it all off I was just feeling disconnected, distant and sad. Part of that also happened to be because of the guy that I tried to like that would have been great to date. He was so sweet and attentive and probably would have been a great guy to “bring home” except I literally felt nothing for him. He may as well have been a paper plate.

So at this point I’m mad and sad and confused and everything else in between. That day, evening the drummer had reached out with his typical “hey” and I just knew what would happen. I’d go see him in his part of town and we’d do whatever then he’d go MIA for another month or two and I’d feel like shit so I didn’t reply. I’m tired of having connections that don’t go anywhere and feeling like shit about them because even if there’s no romantic future I still need to feel like there’s a deep friendship connection… You know? I need to know I’m not wasting my time for someone who’s just selfish.

Days go by and I’m not in the right state of mind to really talk or see anyone. I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m not trying to bleed my bad days on anyone and even my GBF and I are distant. I remembered this thing that he and I do though when one of us is feeling bad and that’s we ask the other to say something sweet, nice or kind. Seems weird?

Well, it’s weird for me because it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable and say anything nice no matter how good of a person I am. I just feels like being emotionally naked. But with my GBF I never have to worry about it because we’ve known each other so long and I can be so super honest with him. When I felt like that tonight he was at work and I was out shopping and trying not to bother him. Instead I decided to check my messages and reply to the drummer.

After a few things back and forth we talked on the phone which is weird for us. We never do that. But right when we were I got another sad message from my ex. It was right at that moment that I decided to ask the drummer to say something sweet, nice even if he didn’t mean it because I needed to hear something right then. I probably shouldn’t have. I wasn’t looking for something earth shattering but what I said to him in reply, I feel, left me so fucking vulnerable and ‘wide open’ and again, feel like an idiot for open up.

I’ve said before that as much as I am attracted to him like I’ve never been I’d give that up for the friendship and what I asked for tonight was out of friendship… I just needed to hear something more heartfelt that didn’t make me feel like it wasn’t just about sex, that there is something deeper here. Sex is easy. It’s that connection that I needed to feel tonight. I needed to feel like I wasn’t the only one being vulnerable. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the one always going out of my way to make HIM feel good. That didn’t happen.

I’m not even blaming him for my feelings right now because it’s a jumble of a million and one things going on in my life right now that he has no idea about but I know what I needed to hear tonight from him to make me feel like our connection has a purpose. I want to be all about the fun with him 99% of the time but tonight I just wasn’t there.

It’s a tough fucking job being an empath. I remember the days when I was so drugged up I couldn’t feel a thing and I miss those days a lot and especially lately. No, I’m not about to go get fucked up again but I miss the days of not feeling anything and being able to compartmentalize that shit. As a clear and purposeful turn of events I now feel everything and most of that everything is everyone else’s shit.

It’s not fair to put any of this on the drummer. He always just wanted this to be fun and not really think about it except I can’t do that. That was my life 10 years ago. I was all about having these relationships that I didn’t have to feel shit and I’m paying for that now. We are absolutely at different places in our lives… I get that. The probably with this is that even though this is/was a FWB’s relationship I still need that friendship part and that included hearing something nice tonight. Again, he’s a guy… I shouldn’t have expected anything different and I don’t think that I did but I was hoping I would have been proven wrong tonight.

Feeling disconnected to everyone yet connected to everyone’s emotions SUCKS! I think I’m going to turn the lights off this weekend, crank up the music, turn off my phone and just stay in bed. Maybe I’ll have a horror movie marathon instead. That’s the only thing that calms me down lately. This feels like the longest week ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so long if everyone around me wasn’t sad, depressed or saying the wrong shit to me.

Okay, so one thing I skipped over is something that my ex said to me last night on the phone. I knew that if I’d gotten to close to him while he was in this sad state that he’d say stuff to me. I’ve heard this stuff before from someone else. He said I was selfish for not wanting to be with him. He said that I have been there for him and because of that he knows that we should be together. None of that is new. My ex who passed away a few years ago said the same things to me. To be more precise he called me a selfish cold bitch.

I know in my head AND my heart that I am NOT that at all. I know that I have more love inside me to give to the right person and I’ve never lied to any of these guys. I know that for the right guy I would do anything except for the right guy I wouldn’t need to but I’d also feel like they’d do anything for me if I asked which I never would. This is the fucked up shit that goes through my head and yes it has a lot to do with being called a piece of shit growing up. The right guy would understand me and would actually put me out of my moods, would understand the psychology of my flaws and help extinguish them instead of flame them.

That’s what I try to do is to give my friends the things that seem to be missing in their worlds. I mean I know I’m not the greatest at the love part but I give support and faith and loyalty. I guess the right guy would give ME the love part that I am missing. I guess I still haven’t found him or that love that I require. I should focus on giving it to myself more instead of helping others out except that’s not me either. I’ve tried to be selfish and that never works out. I guess I’m just at this weird point in my life that’s no one else’s fault but my own. I just don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck and stagnant and getting stale. I need to feel something amazingly wonderful soon or I’ll forget what it feels like at all.

I suppose I’ll answer the question that I know someone will ask already. What did you want the drummer to say? I don’t know but I thought it would be something that would make me feel like this isn’t just about sex and that there is some sort of friendship or deep shit here because I FEEL that it’s more but maybe it’s all just in my heart. I don’t know. I think I was needing to hear that I’m just important. That’s all. It’s always nice to hear from someone that you feel is important to you. But I don’t regret being honest with my answer tonight regardless what his reply was. I just don’t think his reply is enough to keep me around.

I’m not this sullen girl but I am a girl and I do actually feel things. I’m not going to be sorry for that. At least I have this outlet though otherwise I think that I’d go crazy. Maybe he thought he’d just get to use me when he felt like it and never feel anything. That would be an unfortunate truth if it was true. But since I’m not sure he’s ever actually been real or at least very rarely I’ll never know. That’s also an unfortunate truth.

That is my truth tonight. I hope you all are having an amazing life right now. Someone has too… xXx

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Thigh-High Boots and Fantasies…

I was on the phone with a good friend last night for almost two hours and we just fell into some phone sex. Well, I guess we didn’t “fall” into it as it started out with just some really nasty sexting. It got steamy and by the end of it one of us almost drove an hour to go see the other one. It ended up not happening but mostly because I realized it’s hard for me to stay in a “sexy mode” while coughing and sneezing since I’m still sick.

There’s one thing that I can do is tell you what I’m good at. I don’t think that’s being conceited. I just think that’s being confident. But funnily enough I’m not great at taking compliments. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, pretty, cute all the way to some weird ones like I have nice eyebrows or a sexy walk. With most of those things I roll my eyes but I can be sexy when I want to be. The way this works is that I usually give great eye contact, stare them down like there’s nothing more important in the world. Maybe I’ll play with my hair or perk up my breasts or something then just when they’re hooked I’ll likely trip on something and fall over or spill a drink or something. Hey, you can’t be sexy ALL the time.

When my friend and I were chatting he was throwing out some really great compliments and I was taking them all in and stroking his male ego back all while muting my phone when I needed to sneeze or blow my nose and was doing pretty well at it because it then turned into a “What’s your fantasy?”call. Here’s where watching soft core porn movies since I was twelve has probably hurt me because I have a LOT of fantasies. As a disclaimer before going into some of these, some HAVE been done but I’m not going to tell you which one’s. At least not today.

There’s the old tie me up fantasy but this can go both ways. I could tie him up and have my way with a guy or the other way around but there’d have to be trust here. This has been on my mind since long before Fifty Shades of Shit came out. I’m telling you, Zalman King knew what he was doing with his movies… 9 1/2 Weeks anyone?

Beach sex is and will always be on my list except it gets complicated if you’re not doing it right because… sand. That’s all I need to say about that. I like the idea of getting busy in the ocean while people are around but discrete enough that no one really knows what you’re doing.

One of my most thought about fantasies is having sex in a public place with the idea of “almost” getting caught. I’d have to know the guy pretty well or at least be really comfortable with him for this one because it’s about “almost” but NOT getting caught. Sometimes it’s in a nice bar bathroom and sometimes it’s in the parking lot. I have also thought about the VIP room of a strip club as well. There’s also something about having sex in an elevator that totally turns me on too.

It’s weird though, with all the experimentation that I have and want to do I always have to have basic bed sex first with a guy. I have to know him enough and be comfortable enough to start going crazy with the rest. I guess it’s not that weird but once I’m comfortable and trust a guy, there is no limit. Some of that comes from my friend who got me a peek into the BDSM world which just made me more curious. There’s just something about sex, for me, that’s got nothing to do with love. That’s probably a problem but one has never coincided with the other. I guess that’s another therapy bill.

I have lots of sex dreams though. Sometimes they’re actually featuring some guy that I know and sometimes it’s just a shaded face. I have woken up and needed to take a cold shower before. I’m not even sure that this is normal since I’ve always been like this. This is another reason why I attract guys because I’m very open about how I feel about it and what I like but very choosy to pick my partners. See, this is where I HAVE to feel a connection or a chemistry with someone. This to me is different than love and maybe that’s because I’ve never felt the two at the same time. Again, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m still on medicine and will probably read this a week from now, a month from now or a year from now and be like, “WTF was I even trying to say here?”.

Now that SOME of my fantasies are out in the open it brings me to my goal. See, before the hurricane disrupted my life I used to have this beautiful red dress that I kept in my closet as my “goal dress” and I was working at, not just fitting in to it, but to look good in it. I think I’d had that dress for 20 years and even though, at a lot of points, I was able to fit into it I didn’t have anywhere to go in it. Now, I have a new goal outfit and it needs a man to go with it because it’s one of my fantasies. My goal outfit starts with a black long sleeve top with a lace up neckline to where you can see a lot of cleavage. Then, I have on a short grey skirt that’s fits enough to not blow up in the wind but has enough give for later. Then I’m wearing these thigh high black suede boots. Once I have the outfit on and there’s the perfect guy, that’s when I get to institute one of my public sex fantasies.

Now, I already have the outfit and while I’d look decent in it, my goal is to look amazing in it. I figure I’d get there before I actually find a guy that will work for this anyway. This means, to meet my goal, I’ve been doing keto, working out and doing yoga like a crazy person. I’ve told you before that when I get back into working out I always go hardcore because it’s my happy place. Even if my picturesque night doesn’t work out exactly like I planned there’s always fun in getting to the destination. I’ll at least look good while I’m on my journey. 🙂

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight. Thigh-high black boots and sex. It’s a good night.

Nite xXx

bTwSIhhx

Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowingly entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time (words out of the guitarist mouth). bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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