Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
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Thigh-High Boots and Fantasies…

I was on the phone with a good friend last night for almost two hours and we just fell into some phone sex. Well, I guess we didn’t “fall” into it as it started out with just some really nasty sexting. It got steamy and by the end of it one of us almost drove an hour to go see the other one. It ended up not happening but mostly because I realized it’s hard for me to stay in a “sexy mode” while coughing and sneezing since I’m still sick.

There’s one thing that I can do is tell you what I’m good at. I don’t think that’s being conceited. I just think that’s being confident. But funnily enough I’m not great at taking compliments. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, pretty, cute all the way to some weird ones like I have nice eyebrows or a sexy walk. With most of those things I roll my eyes but I can be sexy when I want to be. The way this works is that I usually give great eye contact, stare them down like there’s nothing more important in the world. Maybe I’ll play with my hair or perk up my breasts or something then just when they’re hooked I’ll likely trip on something and fall over or spill a drink or something. Hey, you can’t be sexy ALL the time.

When my friend and I were chatting he was throwing out some really great compliments and I was taking them all in and stroking his male ego back all while muting my phone when I needed to sneeze or blow my nose and was doing pretty well at it because it then turned into a “What’s your fantasy?”call. Here’s where watching soft core porn movies since I was twelve has probably hurt me because I have a LOT of fantasies. As a disclaimer before going into some of these, some HAVE been done but I’m not going to tell you which one’s. At least not today.

There’s the old tie me up fantasy but this can go both ways. I could tie him up and have my way with a guy or the other way around but there’d have to be trust here. This has been on my mind since long before Fifty Shades of Shit came out. I’m telling you, Zalman King knew what he was doing with his movies… 9 1/2 Weeks anyone?

Beach sex is and will always be on my list except it gets complicated if you’re not doing it right because… sand. That’s all I need to say about that. I like the idea of getting busy in the ocean while people are around but discrete enough that no one really knows what you’re doing.

One of my most thought about fantasies is having sex in a public place with the idea of “almost” getting caught. I’d have to know the guy pretty well or at least be really comfortable with him for this one because it’s about “almost” but NOT getting caught. Sometimes it’s in a nice bar bathroom and sometimes it’s in the parking lot. I have also thought about the VIP room of a strip club as well. There’s also something about having sex in an elevator that totally turns me on too.

It’s weird though, with all the experimentation that I have and want to do I always have to have basic bed sex first with a guy. I have to know him enough and be comfortable enough to start going crazy with the rest. I guess it’s not that weird but once I’m comfortable and trust a guy, there is no limit. Some of that comes from my friend who got me a peek into the BDSM world which just made me more curious. There’s just something about sex, for me, that’s got nothing to do with love. That’s probably a problem but one has never coincided with the other. I guess that’s another therapy bill.

I have lots of sex dreams though. Sometimes they’re actually featuring some guy that I know and sometimes it’s just a shaded face. I have woken up and needed to take a cold shower before. I’m not even sure that this is normal since I’ve always been like this. This is another reason why I attract guys because I’m very open about how I feel about it and what I like but very choosy to pick my partners. See, this is where I HAVE to feel a connection or a chemistry with someone. This to me is different than love and maybe that’s because I’ve never felt the two at the same time. Again, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m still on medicine and will probably read this a week from now, a month from now or a year from now and be like, “WTF was I even trying to say here?”.

Now that SOME of my fantasies are out in the open it brings me to my goal. See, before the hurricane disrupted my life I used to have this beautiful red dress that I kept in my closet as my “goal dress” and I was working at, not just fitting in to it, but to look good in it. I think I’d had that dress for 20 years and even though, at a lot of points, I was able to fit into it I didn’t have anywhere to go in it. Now, I have a new goal outfit and it needs a man to go with it because it’s one of my fantasies. My goal outfit starts with a black long sleeve top with a lace up neckline to where you can see a lot of cleavage. Then, I have on a short grey skirt that’s fits enough to not blow up in the wind but has enough give for later. Then I’m wearing these thigh high black suede boots. Once I have the outfit on and there’s the perfect guy, that’s when I get to institute one of my public sex fantasies.

Now, I already have the outfit and while I’d look decent in it, my goal is to look amazing in it. I figure I’d get there before I actually find a guy that will work for this anyway. This means, to meet my goal, I’ve been doing keto, working out and doing yoga like a crazy person. I’ve told you before that when I get back into working out I always go hardcore because it’s my happy place. Even if my picturesque night doesn’t work out exactly like I planned there’s always fun in getting to the destination. I’ll at least look good while I’m on my journey. 🙂

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight. Thigh-high black boots and sex. It’s a good night.

Nite xXx

bTwSIhhx

Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowingly entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time (words out of the guitarist mouth). bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Weathering the storm of the year…

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here about my life. I did a special #timesup post before but that was to show my solidarity to my sisters everywhere. So first, why so long? Well, it’s been one hell of a year. There’s been loss, gain and everything in-between. Some things are the same and some things, most things are completely different.

Let’s start with the early part of last year. I was going through a lot. A lot of what I didn’t even write here because it was painful. It was a personal loss. It’s strange to think that you might not want something until you lose it. I guess that’s what makes life interesting? The tests it gives you. I am still not ready to talk about that loss but I was in a dark place at the beginning of last year and I focused on some fake relationship that should never have meant what it did to me. Now that’s over too and that’s about all I have to say about that.

We’re just going to skip ahead to August 2017. I met someone named Harvey, Hurricane Harvey that is. For the sake of time I’ll speed up what occurred. I was being pestered by people to leave Houston, at least for the weekend. So I did. I left and went to stay with my brother in Austin. I didn’t even ask my boss. I told him I was leaving that Thursday night and with just a few items I traveled to spend time with my niece.

The first day or two were fun. We hung out with friends and did stuff as a “family”. But then the storm hit and everything changed. I was being inundated with messages asking if I was ok. How was my home? I felt the blessings of what old friends who I hadn’t spoken to in years gave freely. I was in awe of peoples kindness but I had no idea what my home looked like aside from a few scary images from neighbors.

That Sunday I had heard my ex and his wife were rescued from their home by the National Guard. A few hours later my boss went to pickup him mother who also lived in the same apartment complex that I did. He waded through neck high water bumping into cars in the dark with a canoe not knowing what was in the water or what was in it’s shadowed darkness.

Then, pictures kept rolling in of the damage, destruction and pure wrath of what Mother Nature is capable of. I started to realize that not only did I not have a home but I became fully aware that, in my mind, I had nothing to go back to as well. I’d been in that apartment for over 15 years. I’d been at my job for almost 20 years. I’d been doing what I always did for as long as I could remember. It changed everything. I changed everything.

There were two instances that I broke down. One was on the phone and it was the first time I’d cried about the storm. Still not knowing what had happened to my home, I spoke the words, “I have nothing to come home to” for the first time out loud. It was a self inflicted verbal stabbing.

Finally after a couple weeks I was able to return with four other people. We pulled in to the city and it was hard not to fight back tears because everything still seemed dark, dirty and ruined along highways, in homes that had stood for decades and businesses that I’d frequented through the years. With each block, each intersection and each stoplight I was reminded what had just happened weeks before. Even my empty stomach felt full. My eyes were tired and my mind was racing on what to do next?

We finally pulled up to my apartment complex after circling around roads that were closed or guarded by FBI and there was a distinct smell in the air. It was of stagnant water and hopelessness for people that had lost things, homes and any sort of self assurance that helped them feel ok.

The door was hard to open. It had swollen to the point that I’d thought they’d changed the locks already. After one of the boys with me had pushed it open it swung and banged into the entertainment center with such a force that brought me back to the current project. “Grab what I can and leave the rest.” The smell inside was a smell I’ve never smelt. Flood water had washed in and sat for over two weeks. First glance it didn’t look as bad until you start to see the water line which reached 2 feet. The mold was coming through the vents and even if things seemed safe it was always a “safe that sorry” mentality when collecting items.

My boxes of notes, trinkets and memories was destroyed. Piles of clothes, shoes and every piece of furniture was destroyed. There were parts of the apartment that had been safe from the flood waters but the rain waters had caused a leak upstairs and other issues. The five of us split up, wearing face masks, gloves and rain boots to tackle our given assignments. One had the kitchen. One had the living room. One had a panic attack and sat outside while my sister-in-law and I were tackling the bedroom to find any clothes that weren’t touched, shoes and odds and ends.

People were calling and texting asking if they could come help and over and over again all I could say is, “There’s not much more to do because there wasn’t much to do. I’m sure I could have saved more if I didn’t feel rushed but there was no need for it because I didn’t have a home or anywhere to put anything else anyway.

We’d left that morning to drive to Houston around 4 am. We were back in Austin around noon. Within a day or two my sister-in-law had washed everything she could and laid out outside everything else. Then it was all packed away until I had a plan. Every thing that I owed fit into a small closet in a guest room that I was staying in. Imagine moving your entire world into some else’s guest room. It was surreal.

I’d discussed just moving to Austin, finding a new job and starting over. But then things got awkward with my family. They had this idea of what they wanted me to be and I felt bombarded and like I was being pushed into a life that I didn’t want at a time that I was at my lowest. I wanted my old life. I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I decided on a weekend that I’d settle for a new life, on my terms and in my city but things HAD to change. Everything had to change.

I moved back in October, started working remotely and started on a “new me” plan. I changed the way I did everything. After all I’d been blessed with family being able to start me off with new furniture, in a new home with a new realization of a different kind of job even if it was for the same company. Also, after I’d spoken to Dan one night he’d convinced me that “It’s just stuff”. Which seemed like the simplest idea but he also reminded me of other things in my life that I needed to change.

I did an inventory of the things, people and actions that I had/did. Over and over again I had realizations that EVERYTHING needed to change. I was miserable for two months after the storm. I had already been depressed about my life and during those two months I felt like a child that couldn’t do anything for herself.

So, I made a promise to myself if things weren’t changing in any area of my life then I’d change it. Work changed for the better and I even picked up some extra clients along the way. My home was different and my new home had all new energy in it. The first thing I did was burn sage everywhere and add crystals. Then it was on to my relationships. The destructive ones that were obviously not changing had to go. I knew they were making me miserable. No more. That has left time to nurture the great ones because that’s what they deserve. The real, true and unconditional friends that have never let me down no longer deserved a depressed, sad girl who blamed herself because her life wasn’t changing.

The last thing I’ll say about everything is this. After going through every thing that I’ve gone through within a year (or just over) which goes above and beyond just the storm itself I might have been buried under a blanket and unwilling to get out of bed. Believe me there were days there that that WAS my life but now I’m happy. Let me say that again. I’m HAPPY. I have a whole new outlook on life. I’m up for change for betterment and am no longer resistance to leaving or losing things. I’ve learned that things are just things. My dreams are of things that I want are great things. There’s not any new boyfriend or relationship. This is just me working on myself and realizing that that Harvey that I met might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am blessed in life and my job is to keep my good karma strong. My job is to take care of myself first for a while. My job is to be happy in the place that I am right now.

I might not write on here as much as I used to but it’s because I don’t focus on shitty things anymore. During those two months I’d gone back to some posts written on here and it brought back all those negative feelings and how I was holding on to anger, sadness and grief and I finally let the storm wash away everything. I did come out of this storm a completely different person and I am better for it. I’ve struggled lately too but in a different way. I stopped struggling and falling deeper into a hole. I realized why I was falling or failing and changed something/ someone or somewhere that wasn’t helping.

I’m glad to be here and be a different me than before. I hope this blog becomes what it was always supposed to be and that was something that was uplifting and helpful and motivating. But that’s me in a nutshell now. Better me. Blessed me. Beautiful me.

Sweet dreams my fellow bloggers. I’m dedicating to Keanu Reeves tonight because I find his wisdom lately exactly what I need to hear. I hope to inspire by sharing some great quotes in the future as well.

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The things I still like…

So, I’m just gonna break the rules and say that this weekend has been great so far. My rule is usually, don’t say anything because the moment the universe finds out you’re happy it tries to kill all the happiness but I don’t care. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that.

I went to a friends house who was having a large party but not one of those annoying frat type parties. There was a little bit of politics, a little bit of drinking, some pool playing, a band and a lot of fun. It was also unplanned for me. This is the part where I tell you the things I still like.

A few nights ago an old friend did the midnight pop in… Which I still like, a lot. We sat outside for a long while and I didn’t even care that I had to work in the morning. We talked and got reacquainted. He brought me this weird perfume. He said it was a mixture of mysterious, sultry and vanilla which reminded him of me so he thought he’d come by. So, surprises and unexpected drop ins – check.

Now back to the party. I was a little nervous at first because I wasn’t sure I’d know anyone but him but when I got there there were two others that I knew but I soon forgot about them. When I walked in I was immediately drawn to the band because I miss live music so much especially in the rawness that only comes when it’s just a fun, “lets have some drinks and just jam” kind of way.

So, there I was standing there in my rock t-shirt, jeans and all-star chucks with my newly blonded hair and my eyes went straight to the drummer. I’m not usually a fan of the drummers more the lead singers or guitarists but there he was with his short dark hair, tanned skin and facial hair that was a bit messy. He was in his black tank top and jeans and vans… We later had a discussion how it would never work out between us because he was a vans guy and I was a chucks girl BUT we’ll get to that later.

So I chatted with a lot of people all while sitting on the edge of the couch sipping on a solitary beer for a while as they were playing all the greatest hits of the 80’s rock bands. When they finally stopped I was chatting with my friend who’s house it was and the drummer came over to us. We were introduced and it was just awesome after that. First, I noted that he was about 5 foot 10 which was ok and I also noted that he had the body type of someone that probably works out but not enough to take care of the last five pounds around his waste which again, I’m fine with.

We started chatting about where each were from, what we do for a living and surprisingly he has a very 9 to 5’er job which he has to wear suits to Monday-Friday… I still like a well dressed man but one who can also look great comfortably too. After about an hour (that flew by) we decided to go outside where there was another group of people but these were a bit more drunk than the ones inside. We sat to the side on this make-shift cooler bench and my “I still likes” just kept coming.

He was full of compliments but not the fake or generic kind. He complimented things that I said, little things he’d noticed and just random things. We actually covered a lot of stuff that I don’t discuss with anyone. He was welcoming to talk to, open and wasn’t afraid to disagree with me and have a good reason why. He kept great eye contact, like the kind that’s used when you’re really listening to someone and he has a great sense of humor mostly based of sarcasm which is the second language that I speak.

He loves dogs but doesn’t have one because he’s not home enough which is exactly why I can’t bring myself to get another one. He asked a lot of the right questions because he actually wanted the answers to and not because he thought he should or it would make him look better. He’s Catholic, which is apparently a thing for me but not extremely religious. Basically only on the important holidays. He’s more spiritual and offered to teach me how to meditate without losing my mind.

He was kind, offering to help this one girl who was way passed wasted to either find a bedroom to pass out in or a ride home. She opted for the ride home and he’d asked if I wanted to go with. Sadly, she only lived about 10 minutes away but it was nice to see him outside of the awesome chaoticness that was that house. Once there, he’d gotten her keys and made sure she was inside, on a bed with a trashcan and a glass of water. That was impressive because it means he’s a natural nurturer. He immediately seemed like a man that wanted to take care of people out of kindness not out of obligation and someone who would, not so much force his help on you but calmly explain why you just couldn’t say no to him.

After about 40 minutes of being gone from the party we returned. It had actually died down quite a bit. Maybe a third of the people had left and it was a lot quieter. He walked in asked what I wanted to drink and came back with two in hand. My friend, this new guy and I sat on a corner couch and just talked for a while with the friends sister. We laughed, joked and my friend tried to embarrass me by telling stories from way-back-when but I don’t embarrass that easily and the new guy thought some of the stories where cute anyway.

My friend looked at his phone a while later and realized that it was almost 3 in the morning and he decided to go to sleep, I decided that it was pretty late and grabbed my stuff to leave. This new guy walked me out. He said he wasn’t tired and wouldn’t mind a bit more one on one chatting which I was totally ok with but it was at that point that I realized neither of us had even looked at our phones since we’d met hours before and that was a great feeling.

We sat on the grass in the front yard for what seemed like ever but only a moment. Strange how that happens. I didn’t think there would be much more for us to discuss but I was wrong. He actually got very personal which I found strangely attractive. He told me about his father’s passing which was a few years ago and how he’d gone into a deep depression during that time. He said that he still felt that way a lot and tried to work on it with how he lived his life because he didn’t want to take anything. Yet, another thing he and I have in common.

I explained that I’d been feeling stuck, depressed and bored with life and I didn’t know what to do. We both used the word “disconnected” and I found that interesting. And then he said the most honest thing to me… He said, “I know the depression is still there tonight but I haven’t needed to acknowledge it because I’ve been way to into being around you. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I hope that it doesn’t scare you but I don’t really want that feeling to go away.”

I sat there for a moment and didn’t say anything because I felt like I needed to form my words. Then I replied by telling him that he was right and that it did scare me that he said that but I was flattered in the same breath. I told him that I felt like he was a distraction from the world that night but that I wasn’t ready to say those things in return. Which he laughed at and said he’s been know to be intense but I think that’s what I need right now. I need someone who’s intense.

I then explained my aversion to all things emotional, that I suck at communication and that it might not matter how I felt about him, he might just never hear from me again. It all depended on “things” in my life. Then we talked about the fact that that might have just been “one of those nights” that you need in your life in that very moment and that maybe it’s not supposed to be anything more or less but a memory.

There was one perfect moment that I noted a kiss should have happened. We’re alone outside, connecting, the fall air is salted with a sliver of coolness and at the very moment that I felt like it was going to happen… Guess what I do? I stand up, get my keys out and say that I’ve just realized the sky is getting brighter which means it’s almost sunrise and I need to go home. I fucked it up! If I would have wanted anything different from him I would have wanted him to just go for it anyway. It’s been way too long since I’ve been kissed with one of those, “I have to do this right now” kisses. He was a gentleman though.

As much as I wanted to have sex with him that night, it would have ruined the moment I think, or the opposite happens. When you connect with someone on such a deep level, then you have sex it can sometimes cement the deal. There’s something about swapping spit or other things that makes the other person have the feelings of falling in love with you… I don’t know. I read that a lot. I can not guarantee if I see him again though that I’d be able to resist.

He gave me a great, big hug instead, kissed me on the nose (which I love) and closed my door. I could see him stand there until I was out of view before going inside and then I had that drive home that you just relive everything all over again and again. It was exciting. He was exciting. I needed that. I needed to have a moment that I could think about over and over again while falling asleep. I needed that kind of attention, attraction, connection. I’ve not felt connected to anyone in a very long time and it came at a perfect time.

I came home and slept for just a few hours before having to get up to have lunch with a friend but regardless of my minuscule sleep I have been invigorated all day. When I got to my friend’s house she asked if I had had some really great sex because I had a smile and a glow that she’d not seen in a while. I told her no and just said that I’d had a fun night last night and that was all. It was left at that so she could tell me about all her drama and stress. By the time I got home tonight I was still excited but exhausted. I fell asleep thinking about the way things “might” have gone if I wasn’t me last night and I wanted to stay in that dream state. But I didn’t and went out for dinner which was brought home.

Right now, I’m being way to logical in thinking that it wasn’t him that’s making me feel like this but just having that experience, unexpected and breaking out of my boredom. I don’t even know if I’ll see him again but at least I have that night to get me through a few more months of the same crap. There were so many things that he did right and probably so many things that I did wrong but I’m leaving it at this, “If this is meant to be anything more than what it was then we’ll see each other again and no one else will make me feel like that till then”. It’s my way of letting fate lead the way, which she does anyway.

I’m off to sleep but had to write all this down so I don’t forget the moment and how the moment made me feel. I am grateful for connections tonight, long overdue connections.

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Fate’s Funny Ways… And Maybe Something New.

Still raining and now it’s cold which would be great if I was buried in my blanket at home but I am not. I am sitting at my desk staring out the window and watching the parking lot flood. The rain still calms me though so there’s that.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started with an email, at work, from my ex and a poem. It still shocks me that I can not reply to him at all and he still has the patience to continue sending things to me. It was sweet but there will be no reply. However, it made me have this weird dream last night. At some point during the day, I realized that if I wanted to, I could be married right now and trying to have a child. If I was to say “eff this waiting crap” I could have all those things with him right now. I want all those things right now just not with him. Perplexing what life and fate has to offer isn’t it?

With that being said, here’s another twist of fate for you. So, the way my career has gone has been jobs have always kind of “fallen” into place. I’ve been search out and offered them because (and here’s where I won’t be humble) I’m good at what I do. What do I do? I take care of things. That sounds ominous right? Kind of like I’m in the mafia? But I’m a control freak who likes to ensure that something is done with perfection. So, at work, I’m a control freak perfectionist and it’s noticed. Not only do I take care of things but I enjoy taking care of people. This leads me to my next possible career choice.

Because my boss and his girlfriend were having issues I decided to jump in and try to help. While being helpful his girlfriend realized just how valuable I am. This led her to ask me yesterday if I’d work for her or the company she works for. This is an amazing job opportunity and one that I’m really considering. The best part here is that I would get to work from wherever I wanted to. What does that mean? I could move to Austin and be close to my BFF, my niece and wouldn’t have to hear “When are you moving here?” ever again. It would solve a lot of problems and my emotional health won’t be in so much turmoil. Win win right?

I’m reminded every single day that my presents here is not needed. I’m reminded that the person that I am is not appreciated what-so-ever so I’m just reminded of how much I don’t need to be here anymore. These past few days have just reminded me that THE friend’s presents in my life has nothing to do with me. I’m not even sure he knows the real me sometimes or what the hell to do with me. The small fact is, it’s the little things. I don’t expect grand gestures. I don’t expect his thoughts or feelings to change. I also don’t expect much of anything from him but the small things are what would make the most difference.

He was just a few feet away from me last night and didn’t even know, realize or care that he’d upset me because his stupid social media and women all across this great land were more important to keep his attention that doing three things that I’d asked. Yet again, proving why I don’t ask for shit. For the things that I’ve done for him and he can’t even do a few things that I ask. It’s bullshit. That parts not even about my “feelings” it’s about the smallest form of respect that you give to a “friend” which is why I don’t even think he respects me enough to call me a friend.

And yet, with all that, when I came home yesterday and saw him asleep on the couch, I was comforted. I was concerned and I was kicking myself because on our worst days with each other, our trying days, our miscommunications and our misunderstandings I still feel better when he’s around than when he’s not. How effed up is that?

When I talk to my therapist about our friendship she’s a bit perplexed too. Trust me when I say I try to give the most unbiased view of everything as well. She seems to think that there’s some deep seeded tensions between us, unspoken words and unmasked feelings. I keep trying to explain to her that there is not. These are my feelings and mine alone and that almost all that I’ve had to say, I’ve said. I have no unspoken words or unmasked feelings. She’s supposed to be a really great therapist too. Reviews, recommendations and a lot of research went into finding her and yet that is what she thinks. I can’t win for trying.

Regardless of all of that and all the things that I would do for him and because of him I HAVE to realize that none of it matters to him. NONE OF ANY OF IT. So, I have an interview next week that might just change my course of action right now and because my career has usually predicted the outcome of my current status, it could be fates way of pushing me in a direction that my heart doesn’t want to go in and that would be west about 150 miles and on to a new life. We shall see what happens in the next week. Fate has a tricky way of putting all kinds of things in my life. Lets see where this new chapter starts?…