Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

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Some of my history of love… it’s a long one.

My weekend has been completely mundane despite many offerings to go out. I had chosen to stay home and rest my ankle as I’ve strained it working out. I’m actually fine with this even though, come Sunday, I’ll feel like I’ve been a completely useless human again.

I did have a long to-do list today which I have moved to tomorrow. I felt like I could hold off on my adulting for a day. While my week went fast it was busy and good just fast. My big plans for Saturday night… Rest my ankle, grab the tissues and watch A Star Is Born. I have a feeling that I might be crying like a baby in a couple hours. It’ll be cathartic.

I did go out last night for a little while but nothing much to discuss. I’d gone to dinner and then had drinks with an old friend. I haven’t seen him in a while and we discussed something that I don’t talk about much. It’s one of my ex’s. Granted, I talk a lot about the men in my life but this one while I’ve mentioned him a bit I’ve never really spoken about. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I wrote about him on here.

About 9 years ago I was dating this amazing guy. Still kept him a secret from almost all that I knew but I liked being with him. He was Latin, handsome and was the perfect man on paper and in person. He had an amazing personality and we had a nice relationship. However, I was not serious about him and I told him that from the beginning. At that time I wasn’t really looking for anything serious and while I knew he was I was always upfront with my feelings.

We’d met through work. He worked at a bank that we did business with and after a few after work drinks he’d asked me out on a date. He was hot so I said sure and soon after we were in a relationship but our emotions were very different. I knew he was looking to settle down and have a family and he knew that I had no idea what I wanted at that time. So, always being up front with him we both knew where each other stood.

One morning as I was getting ready to leave him place he’d mentioned marriage. I laughed it off as a joke and continued to get my stuff. I have always been very careful about making sure I don’t leave anything at some guys home in case I never come back. As I’m making sure all my clothes, jewelry and phone are with me he says it again but this time more serious. At this point I sat down on the bed and explained to him that what he wanted I didn’t at that time and that it was best to break this off because we were both at a completely different place in life.

I truly wanted him to be happy but I didn’t think his happiness was with me. After a few months of back and forth texts, some breakup sex and a few phone calls I’d officially decided that the only way to fair to him was to just leave entirely as if I’d never existed in his life. I’d gotten a few harsh texts and calls from him when he’d been drinking that expressed his anger toward me which he’d later apologized for but after about a year we had become friends. We’d gotten into one huge fight one night and I’d stopped talking to him for a while. This was around the time I met THE friend.

Here’s the thing that I’ve realized since that, with therapy and a few other experiences and AH-HA moments; because of the way I was raised with someone calling me a piece of shit as a child, with the abuse and with my terrible experiences in life I just never really felt like the girl you marry. As much as, last year, I tried to blame this feeling on the guys around me it’s something that I’ve had to realize I’ve always felt like I was never good enough. I mean, if someone who is a parent to you doesn’t think you’re good enough and you grow up feeling like that then how the hell are you supposed to think any different.

For this reason I grew up, started doing drugs and getting into relationships that I knew never had a happy ending because I didn’t think I could be loved anyway. Fucked up right? I “settled” dating the asshole that I knew was a piece of shit because it was a game. I knew he would want me in his life, not need me but want me and when he couldn’t have me I’d won. Then later in life I found these really great guys who would fall for me and I still wouldn’t feel like I was good enough so I’d push them away. I guess if you push enough people away then you are right about people not sticking around right?

So move ahead to meeting THE friend. I got attached to him because he “needed” me. I wanted so badly to “fix” him and it was never healthy. On some small level I think we both knew that our relationship was parasitic. I needed to be needed. I needed to fix something. I needed to be good enough to help someone out. This quickly turned into some unhealthy version of what I thought was love. This was never love though.

Because THE friend and I knew each other when we were kids we, very quickly, almost “moved in together”. He was at my place all the time and I was lonely and he needed me and it turned into something that it NEVER should have been. Don’t get me wrong, there was love there but I was confusing this with all these other emotions that I was having at the time. I was depressed and he was as well and it was like two people that just got thrown together in some twisted paradox BUT since I don’t think that anything happens by accident I do believe that there’s purpose behind everything and everybody we meet, he and I met to teach me things.

So after about a year of THE friend and I spending time together I received a phone call from my ex’s mom. She lived in Spain and he had gone there on vacation. She’d called to tell me that he passed away in a car accident and that she’d found a letter from him to me that he’d had in his backpack for a while. She’d gotten my address and sent it to me along with the ring that he had kept to propose to me one day.

When the letter and ring reached me I prepared myself to read it and assumed that it would be these terrible words and I’d feel like the worst piece of shit ever. After reading the letter I did feel like a real piece of shit but not because it was a terrible letter but because the letter was a beautiful poetic version of how he saw me and our relationship. I felt like a piece of shit because I felt guilty that I couldn’t love him. I felt guilty thinking that if I’d said yes to him then he wouldn’t have gone to Spain and he wouldn’t have passed away. I felt guilty because there I was morning a relationship, morning a great man but that no one around me knew about.

Soon after that I started going to therapy and talking to someone who didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. She was the start of my AH-HA moments and then with the help of me writing and talking to people a bit more I began to actually understand my fucked-up-ness. I started relieving the guilt that I felt and there was so much guilt about so many things in my life. I started to understand that I’d always picked the wrong man to love me for the wrong reasons. I started to understand myself better and my choices.

However, with all these revelations first comes depression. About a year before the storm that wiped me out I became seriously depressed and refused to be medicated so I just fell into a hole of my own making. I’d truly distanced myself from my closed friend, THE friend and a lot of others that cared for me a lot. I was sinking into a hole deeper than I knew what to do with.

Then, the storm happened and it was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. It washed away so many things physically and spiritually for me. After falling into a bit more of a depression at first when all my belongings fit into my brothers guest closet and not know where I was going to live or what I was going to do I just had a moment. I had the biggest moment of clarity that made me realize that I needed to fix this shit because my purpose was so much bigger than what I was doing. I had this dream of being back in Houston one night and meeting someone that change my way of thinking about love and what was right and wrong and I woke up from that dream and told my family at dinner that night that I was moving back to Houston after living in Austin for months.

After some tears and gratitude from others and a few kinds words I’d moved back and I remember sitting in my apartment for the first night alone and it just felt right. I let go of my attachments, my guilt and my expectations. I started my workout routine again, yoga, meditation and gained a whole different set of friends that each gave me something different emotionally. I stopped looking for someone else to “complete me” and I started being real about my emotions. I started being even more analytical than I was before and when I started feeling something I’d ask myself “Where is this coming from?” “Is it about them or is this bringing up old feelings?”. My answer is usually the latter which means I’m assessing and understanding instead of freaking out or girl-braining and while it still does happen sometimes because, well, I’m a girl, I have a much healthier way of dealing with my past than ever before. I’m stronger, healthier in general and feel so much lighter like this.

Instead of looking to others for my happiness I find it in my charity and kindness to others and don’t worry so much about what others think about me or how they perceive me. It’s been a long fucking journey of which I work on every single day but it’s been worth it. I still have to remember to remind myself not to have any attachments to people, places and things but again, it’s worth it.

The best part of this transformation is that I’m able to actually have healthy relationships. I am able to visualize who and what I want and my assumption of what I deserve is much much greater than it’s ever been. If I choose to spend time with someone I know that as much as I am lucky to spend time with them they are as equally lucky to spend time with me. I see their actions and words as a reflection of them not of me. It’s an entirely different mindset than I had several years ago and it works for me.

So, the friend and I that I had drinks with the other night spoke about me and my dating life and had the most amazing things to say about me which I believe this time instead of the last time when he spoke those words I shrugged them off. It kind of showed me how far I’ve come. This, in no way, means that I am done learning, growing, changing or bettering myself but I am no longer in the “I’m not good enough” mindset. That’s taken decades to face and to fight but I am there.

My life is nowhere near perfect. I still want love and I still want someone to share my life with that makes me happy and feel special but I’m no longer letting men enter my life to love me then pushing them away because I don’t feel worthy. I used to say “fuck you” to the person that made me feel like shit until I realized that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and have gone through exactly what I was supposed to have gone through. I promise myself that the next man that truly comes to me with love I will let myself this time.

I know this was a long post and if you read the whole thing then my blessings go out to you 🙂 I am off to watch a sad movie but since it’s about music it’s totally worth it. Nite world xXx

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My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

Artistic naked women series - 2017

Revelations and challenges…

It is 8 o’clock in the morning and I have been up since 5 o’clock after going to bed at 2 o’clock. Not the first time you’ve heard that I don’t sleep much. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that I had a full 8 hours of sleep that actually made me feel rested and better the next day. Lately, I know that it’s because my head really can’t be turned off.

I started my July challenge 2 days early and thought that with the exercise program that I’d be passed out, in a good way, when I finally did hit the bed. That hasn’t happened and that’s been after and hour long session at the gym and an hour long hike. Neither helped.

I decided to do my July challenge this month with my crazy friend. She needs to get healthy and I suggested this in hopes that it would motivate and help her. If you’ve been here before my challenge is that for an entire month I pick five things that I want to do everyday. For this challenge she and I decided that if either one of us doesn’t complete all things (hers is only 3 things) then we put a $1.00 in a jar. When we get enough to take a vacation or do something fun then we use that money.

My challenge is usually the same each month but it keeps me motivated so that’s a good thing. For the entire month of July these are my five things:

  1. Eat Keto everyday.
  2. Exercise everyday, mostly getting in my 10,000 steps a day.
  3. Clean every day.
  4. Read every day.
  5. NO MEN!

Something about my challenge is new but it came about because of recent happenings (or not-happenings) and a discussion with my crazy friend. You all know here how private I am. Well, I hadn’t told my crazy friend about what was going on with the drummer when it started except that he and I were still talking and friends. I left it at that. A couple months ago she came to one of his shows, not knowing anything and was sitting at the table with THE friend and me. At one point THE friend had gotten up and either hugged me or kissed my forehead or something and my crazy friend was watching the band on stage… or more-so the drummer and from whatever look he had on his face she immediately pointed her finger at me and said, “Oh My God! You two are fucking! Because (drummer) just got jealous!”

My reply was, “What? You are so wrong. He probably has something in his contact” But then a bit after that she saw a message come through on my phone from him that said something about coming over and something dirty. At this point I couldn’t hide it anymore nor could I hide the bite marks but just gave her basics, explained to her that it was nothing and that we were just friends.

One reason that I keep things to myself is that I HATE to be repeatedly asked about them. This is what happened. Every time I saw her after that it was, “So, what’s going on with you and (drummer)?” She learned quickly that I didn’t really go deep into detail. However, one night, we had partaken in some fun stuff and been drinking a bit and she was able to get more out of me. This was not that long ago when I’d finally said, “It’s over. I’m done.”

She’s asked me a lot of questions over the last week or so and had a lot of “advice” even though I wasn’t asking for it. One thing she said was that there had to be a reason why, after all that’s happened in a year and a half, how he and I were still friends and in each others lives. I ask myself that a lot as well especially if it ends like this. But two things baffled her about his and my situation. One, how do I keep my “feelings” out of it? The second was how am I not jealous of the other women?

Actually, great questions. I first told her that it would be hard to understand being that she is such an emotional person. I then explained that I never went in this with my heart open. In the beginning he was taken and now he’s treating women like a buffet which he should. There’s no room for emotions here. Then, I explained about the jealousy thing. So, one thing I learned in my spiritual journey is that all the negative things in life stem out of attachment. Once you stop or change your view of attachment you realize that a lot of negative emotions, including jealousy go away. At the end of the day, he is and has never been “mine” because humans are not property.

Then she asked a question which I really had to think about. She said, “If he came to you and said he WANTED to be in a relationship with you would you open your heart?”

The first thing I thought was, “How have I never really thought about that before?” My answer is probably because I’m not a typical girl that girl brains things. Yet another reason why he pissed me off so much with his reply last week. But after a while of thinking I said, “Here’s the thing. I like spending time with him. I enjoy his company. If he sat me down and said that he was serious and that he wanted me to open my heart to him then I would try it.” However, there’s not been much “trying” on his part through all this. I mean, I go see HIM at a show or I go to HIS home. It’s always on his schedule, doing what HE wants. There’s been no equality in anything we’ve done. Which leads me to my next thought.

I think that I require a different type of love from a man than he is able to give to me, or anyone. I’m not a woman that needs to be saved, smothered or treated like an idiot but I am a woman who has so many scars from my past that I need an unselfish, unconditional and non-judgmental type of love. I need a man that has the strength to pull me out of myself and wake my soul up. I don’t and have never gotten the impression that he even wants to know my soul let alone wake it up.

But, at the end of the day, it’s all a moot point because I’m not doing anything with any man for 31 days. I’m cleansing myself. I’m taking care of myself and I really am going to be selfish this month. This also happens to work out perfectly because one of those other men that I talked about last year, he’s coming home at the end of July. He left the country for work months ago and he’s finally coming back.

I never gave this guy a nickname on here but I did talk about him a little bit. We have amazing conversations for hours. He texts me all the time that he misses me. I don’t have the sexual chemistry that I have with the drummer with this guy BUT maybe that’s something that will come with time. I don’t know. I used to think that we’d just always be ONLY friends but that had great conversations but he’s been romancing a lot lately. It’s nice to have that, even if he is thousands of miles away right now. I miss the romance and the intimacy and the mutually great conversations. I guess I’ll have to give him a nickname at some point. I think I’d give up any and all FWB’s right now for a real, true romance. I’ve not had that in way too long. It’s something that I deserve and I know that.

So, my weekend was great. My challenge has started and I’m feeling amazing. I hope your weekend was amazing as well. What would YOU challenged yourself with this month? xXx

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Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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A month away and noticing all my flaws…

It’s been a month since I’ve posted something and kept it on here. I’ve posted and written a lot of stuff but, for some reason, decided I didn’t want to keep it on here. My mind has been all over the place lately. There’s been a lot of stuff going on but when I think I want to write about it I, later, change my mind.

What I haven’t been doing lately is taking care of myself. I have been finding it necessary to take care of everyone else first. This was not supposed to be the case. I believe a few posts back I said that I was going to have a very selfish month. Apparently I don’t do selfish very well.

When I see people around me in pain, upset, hurt or lonely all I want to do is comfort them at any expense necessary. That’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure I’ve spent one day in the last month that was entirely for me. What I need is to get my hair done, my nails done and a nice massage. I will probably NOT get any of that done soon though.

My boss’s son is in the hospital. He came home for a few days then went back in. My boss and I are barely speaking because of a fight we got into so that’s been weird. My dad is still in the hospital but making it home Friday, I think. My crazy friend is having health issues and lastly, I haven’t seen my distraction for almost 4 weeks now.

So my boss and his son had a terrible accident happen and for the first week we were all just patiently waiting the results. He’s a tough kid. I love that kid so much and he’s seriously one of the strongest people I know. Seeing him in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes was heartbreaking but he made it through and quickly recovered yet went back in the hospital with complications. He’s strong though, as I said, and he will get through this.

One night, while my boss was dealing with many many emotions I’d gone to his house late to do some work. He, one of his closest friends and I sat talking. This was not a great idea as he’d been drinking and I was emotional as well and we just got into an argument about his ex-girlfriend. He said some really shitty things and even though I could have said something just as shitty or worse back at him I got up and just left without saying anything. I don’t argue to hurt someone. I try my damnedest to not hurt anyone around me. My worst offense is the silent treatment and I know that I need to stop doing that but when I’m hurt or upset or worried that’s what I do.

So within this silent treatment I ignored his “somewhat” apology and we only discuss work. Period. I’ve stop talking to his ex-girlfriend and have just moved on. I’m sure we will have a discussion at some point but as long as we’ve both got something to occupy our minds it’ll be a while because I’m a stubborn bitch.

You know, that’s one of the things they say about Aquarius’s is that we can be thinking about someone till it kills us but we still won’t pick up the phone, text or reach out what-so-ever. It’s a shitty habit we have and it’s not an excuse. I know I need to do better. There’s people that I think about all the time and just don’t say shit. It’s another one of my flaws I suppose.

I have been getting “fitter” by accident also. I’ve not been eating so I’m going to just blame that on “intermittent fasting”. Truth is by the time I’m done with my day I’ve realized that I just didn’t eat and most days don’t care to. I guess that’s what happens when you’re mind is busy worried all the time about everyone but yourself.

My dad, well he’s been in the hospital for almost 2 months now. That’s been a weird thing. I want him to come home as long as he’s ready and willing to work to keep himself healthy. My mom is his caretaker and he needs to treat her more kindly as well but that’s a conversation that my brother needs to have with him as we still don’t have very many conversations over 5 minutes. At least, if he’s home, my mom can stop worry so much and he’ll be comfortable.

My crazy friend with the health issues, she worries herself sick most of the time. I think that’s a flaw that a lot of people have but as soon as something is wrong around her she takes on that guilt or sadness or anger. These are all things that I try to tell her to let go of BUT I am a hypocrite.

I take on guilt and sadness and emotions from others that I have no business keeping. In some weird way I feel like if I take them then they don’t have to feel that anymore. I’m aware that is some flaw and maybe part of being an empath but it doesn’t help me any. At least I am admitting my faults. That’s the first step right?

My one distraction, as of late, was the drummer but as I said we’ve not seen each other in almost a month. The last time we did we had a good conversation and it was about how he wanted to have this “Private girlfriend” type of relationship with me which I was fine with, in fact, it’s what I’d written about on here not that long before and he talked about love again which I was getting more comfortable with and then poof… He’s gone.

The first couple weeks I’d explained his absence by saying maybe he realized what he said and now feels vulnerable. Then it was, “His kids are out of school” or “then this” or “then that”. Now that it’s been as long as it’s been I’ve just sadly written off the good things that he’d said and keep remembering “He’s just not that into you”. I know I’ve referenced this movie so many times but at the end of the day if a guy WANTS to see or talk to you he will. I’ve told him before that I would work around HIS schedule because he’s got more shit going on so… That’s where we are. No where. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Truth here, I miss him. I miss him like I really didn’t think I would because we really haven’t spent that much time together. I just liked his energy and the way I felt around him. I will be sad and maybe for a while but this is why I kept my heart to myself. Hope for the best but expect the worst I guess. There’s always been a chance that he’d go back to his wife, find another girl now that he’s single or just want to stay out of anything emotional for a while. These are all the reasons I kept my walls down but my heart closed.

I’m going to see my Shaman friend on Sunday. Hopefully she’ll be able to tell me something good so I don’t feel so sad right now. Maybe she can cleanse my aura or unblock my bad luck at love. Maybe then I’ll find someone or I won’t feel so alone or something that doesn’t seem depressing. Who knows? He’s been my comfort for a couple months and it sucks to not have that. Even if it was only a couple times a month.

Every once in a while I think that it’s something that I’ve done. Like, I kept him too much of a secret or I don’t look pretty enough or I didn’t say “I love you” back. There’s a thousand and one things that go through a girls mind when a guy just stops wanting to see her. When he stops putting any effort out there and eventually I just have to give up the notion that it was “meant to be”. Because when things are meant to be they just happen and no one is left wondering what they did wrong.

So on top of everything that’s going on above and the fact that my comfort has disappeared I’m just in a blah, stuck place that I hate. I hate feeling sad, lonely, not good enough and not at peace. It sucks… That’s all I can say is that it sucks and that’s my reality these days. I’m just tired of being single I think. I know that I say that knowing that I’ve passed up so many good even great men in my life and this might be my karma. I wasn’t investing all my hopes and dreams on the drummer but I was thinking that I was comfortable for a while now and I wasn’t having to “search” for anything else. I guess I’m back to looking for something.

I hope that YOU are not where I am right now and that your life is awesome and joyful and peaceful. That is what I will be grateful for today if nothing else.

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Weird Emotions and Full Moons… Again.

Had a great night tonight for a few reasons. First, I got to see live music which always makes me happy but also I got to talk to one of my favorite people for almost 3 hours. He’s my “brother from another mother” friend. I also hung out with THE friends too which was fun.

I have been feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin lately. I think it has to do with the full moon but who knows. I go out and it’s not enough. I stay in and just get too antsy. I’m driving myself crazy. I don’t know what this feeling is really accept for just an all too familiar feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend, my crazy sister friend and she didn’t understand. I don’t know what will calm this feeling anymore. It’s getting serious.

But one thing that always seems to help a bit is a nice drive listening to music or talking with a friend. Tonight, after the live music and after I dropped THE friend off, it was talking to my brother friend. He is and has been for so long someone that I can totally say, “I love him fully and unconditionally”. He’s smart and funny and literally always tells me the truth. Tonight was no exception.

I tend to tell him more about my life than anyone else I think. He knows the really shitty fucked up stuff that’s happened to me and he, now, knows some of the good things too. So he’s someone that I’ve told the entire story about the drummer too. This is the whole story from start to now and everything in between. No one else knows THAT much. I think I told him because I needed some advice and he’s the best at advice.

So let me tell you all here about why I need advice. The drummer is confusing, and I am confusing to him I guess. We started this “thing” of ours just over a year ago. In the beginning I knew there was this great connection but we didn’t have a future because he was taken. Move ahead almost nine months and he’s no long taken but yet somehow I never looked at him as available either. Then we start spending more time together and he’s saying these things like, “You’re the perfect girlfriend. I love you. I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” So most of the things that girls want to hear right? Except I ignore all those things, not only do I ignore all those things but I even go so far as to tell him, “Don’t tell me that shit”.

Following me so far? Now that I told him stop saying it, he’s not just stopped saying those things but he’s got this giant wall up now where he’s not even being that nice. He’s not being mean but it’s hard to explain. It’s like he’s no longer seeing me like he did in the beginning but just as someone who he’s sexually active with when he feels like it. So it’s basically become a “with benefits” without the “friends” part.

In my twisted turn of events tonight I realize that I do need to hear that shit from the beginning. I need to hear SOME of it anyway. I don’t want to be in a FWBs relationship that absolutely has no chance EVER of going any further. Because, what’s the point. At the end of the day I am looking for love because I’m a human being. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Basically someone who accepts our fucked-up-ness and loves us anyway? I’m not saying that he IS THE one because I still don’t know him well enough and haven’t spent enough time with him but I am saying that given the right amount of time, I might develop feelings for him greater than a FWB relationship. We just haven’t had that much time together.

I read this article that said that it takes men a shorter amount of time to fall in love with someone than it takes a woman. Well, I think it takes me twice as long as a typical woman because I’m fucked up. Emotionally challenged, if you will. What I know is that I enjoy spending time with him. That makes me happy. I get a stupid smile on my face when I see a message come in from him. That makes me happy. When we’re doing nothing but sitting listening to music I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else. He makes me happy.

The problem in my fucked up head though is that I think when the universe finds out that I am happy for one minute that it finds a way to take that away. That’s the reason I don’t talk about him to people I know. To friends I know. I’ve said this before but the few moments of sweet, kind and real drummer that I’ve gotten to see is amazing. If THAT was who I was going to get most of the time, not even all the time, I would be willing to open my heart up. Because THAT guy, is someone I could fall for. THAT guy is someone that I am proud of and want to share THAT person with the people that I know.

THAT sweet, kind and real guy I’ve seen bits of is so fucking talented and smart and sarcastic and witty and beautiful. I love that he’s got ideas for the future and that he’s always thinking of what to do next. I’ve watched him when he’s sitting quietly and I can see the wheels turning in his head. I’ve heard his ideas and the way he talks about life and his kids and deep shit and THAT’S the guy that I could one day fall in love with BUT instead of saying any of that I get quiet. I get quiet and stupid.

Instead of saying anything to him about anything I get quiet. Sometimes it’s because all I want to do is listen to him and sometimes it’s because I’ll say too much or sometimes it’s because I don’t know which version of him will reply to what I have to say. I guess what I would say to him, if given the chance, is this…

“I think you’re amazing. I think that you’re beautiful. I think that you are one of the most talented people that I’ve ever met. I want to know you. I want to know all of you including the darkest parts, the brightest parts and the scariest parts. I have no judgement for you. I just want to get closer to see if this is more than just a sexual attraction. I came to you with my walls down, for the friend that I wanted you to be but with my heart closed because that’s the person that I am.

I will never hurt you. I will never tell your secrets. I will never do harm to you. I will always be loyal and kind and be proud of you. I will support you and help in any way that I can with any dream that you have. I’ve seen you vulnerable and I’ve seen you hurt and I just want to be able to tell you one day that I’ve seen through your broken bits and see the real you. I wish that you came out to play more.

I said to you once that I never expected something different out of this “ship” of ours and while that’s true. I do not have any expectations, I also don’t want to waste my time if there is no possibility of more in the future. I could fall for you. If I keep doing this I will probably fall for you at the right time. You have to give me a reason to open my heart to you as more than a friend instead of putting your walls back up.

I’m not asking for anything now from you. You’re not ready. I’m not ready but I’m asking that you SHOW me the love you said you already had for me. Words without actions are just bullshit. You’ve said before that you’re all about love but your actions are more about the hate that you reflect from others or from the damage you’ve sustained from others.

You don’t know my story. You don’t know the things about me that make me so closed off. You only know pieces of me which were salted in other stories. We didn’t meet by accident. This isn’t a mistake. We’re in each others lives to help not hurt, to protect, for loyalty and peace.

If none of this makes sense to you then tell me now. Let me protect myself BEFORE my heart gets involved. I’m not looking for someone to save me. I’m not looking for a husband or a father. I’m not looking to marry you or to live with you. I’m not looking for anything but a true friend and a lover with the possibility of more.

I don’t know. Maybe you’re a collector. Maybe you have a jar of hearts sitting next to your bed to capture all the hearts of the women loved you because of the people that didn’t. Maybe I’m just an idiot to consider this. Or maybe just maybe this could actually work out. Who knows when I’ll even see you again or which you you’ll be when I do. What I do know is that time is fleeting and I just don’t want to waste it.”

But instead of saying all of that, because guys don’t listen anyway, this is what I say:

“…”

Nite xXx

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