The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

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Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me.┬áThis was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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The Unapologetically Uneducated…

One thing that I find myself doing, a lot, is seeking and searching for knowledge. My GBF’s sister jokes that if one of us doesn’t know something, “Just wait they’ll look it up”. I do this because I have a thirst for knowledge which is much different in this world than a thirst for gossip. The also do this because I would be an uneducated useless human if I didn’t.

So back in school, I was horrific. Let me explain. I loved school up until High School and once that hit I found modeling which led to drugs which led to musicians which led to so much fun. I am inherently smart. On my standardized testing I always scored in the top 5% of the country. My IQ is technically “genius” but that’s just a number. All that means is that I can retain what someone else has asked me to.

To me, being intelligent is about the ability to research and make your own conclusion about things, ideas and people that have not been ingrained from years of scholastic repetition. Intelligence is the ability to, not always agree with someone’s ideas but to, find some sort of reasoning as to why things MIGHT be different and at the very least to listen to someone else’s idea.

My first real test of this was religion. I was raised until I was five going to church with my Grandmother. My father is an agnostic and my brother is an atheist. My mother, I believe, believe’s in a higher being but doesn’t really think much about it. Basically, I grew up being the family that allowed “grace” to happen as a preamble of a meal and waited to politely say “amen” but mostly, uncomfortably, doing it out of respect.

Years ago, my real truth expedition began. I read a lot about all kinds of religion. I even read the bible. I had many conversations with people from the Christian Church, Buddhist, Muslims, Shamans, Wiccans all the way through atheists. I wanted to know where their belief system came from. The majority of people inherited their religion and never found a reason to question it. Then were the people that basically chose an entirely different path BECAUSE the one that they’d inherit didn’t fit their lifestyle.

Now, doing my research I started in the Church of England personally but not by choice. I was too young to decide. Years later, as a teenager I found some solic in the Wiccan religion because of the draw to nature and the female presence. Now, and for some time I’ve been feeling out the Buddhist religion. In all my searching and researching I discovered the one basis of most all religions which is kindness. Let that sink in for a bit. Almost ALL religion states that one must live a kind life and be kind to others. So that is my first commandment, if you will.

The other issue is that I found a lot of religions to cast out people that didn’t fit a certain mold. I have a lot of gay friends and just because I am not one doesn’t mean that it’s ok for me to abide by any scripture that states anyone should be cast out for loving someone different than what they decided the “normal” would be. In the same breath some scripture states to not judge anyone else except that’s exactly what is done by casting out one type of person.

At the end of the day though, I believe just like in relationships, that religion is not a cookie cut type of situation. Things, people, technology all evolves but the one thing that doesn’t seem to evolve is religion. Why not? It should be used as a buffet that allows you to learn about each culture, meaning and ritual that each religion has and address to your own life accordingly.

That’s why I say I am spiritual. I believe in the sun and the moon. I worship nature. I try to treat everyone kind and equal. Isn’t that what life’s about? It’s about learning, educating and accepting those things that are not breed in you or jaded unto you by your parents, surroundings, or even school.

While I understand why a lot of people have chosen to believe in the higher power as he is set in stone in their cookie cutter religion, I also believe that in this world that we’ve created we’ve made the most easily accessible society the most lonely. We are more connected today than we’ve ever been before yet more and more people feel alone and disconnected from themselves, their families and the world. We can order a steak dinner to be delivered in 30 minutes but we can’t seem to be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

In that world described above I understand that some people choose to believe that the higher power is up there with open arms to embrace them at a moments notice. They feel less alone and always taken care of. I’m not saying that I don’t believe because there are times that I’ve cried to a higher power to take away my pain and suffering. I’ve blessed people that I didn’t know going through a hard time. I’ve thanked a higher power for getting me through something. There is a comfort in this. But I can not unequivocally say one way or another whether this is a fictitious image or whether it’s real. Truth is, I just don’t know. But I will always try to find ways to educate myself in all things because you can’t fight for something if you don’t know why you’re fighting for something.

I recently had a conversation with someone that had entirely different thoughts than I’ve had. He has different versions of what I’ve been taught to believe. His entire mindset seems like the opposite end of the spectrum. After he was done talking he’d asked if I, now, thought he was crazy. I replied, “No, I think you’re fascinating. I might not agree with everything you say BUT I will always listen.”. Since then I keep thinking of these things he’s said and done some research about this realized even more than no one should just be complacent to what they’ve been taught. Always keep an open mind and heart.

But, if you believe in nothing else, believe than kindness to all is never a bad idea. Even if you go back to the thoughts, or ideas that you’ve always had to believe in you’ve made an educated decision to do so. Believe in your convictions not because you have been told to but because you know, unequivocally that they are the truth that you’ve seeked.

Just my words tonight… Be kind. xXx

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