My mind in music tonight… Cause that’s all I got.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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Mood Music… And Another Discussion About Expectations.

I flip flop about the way I listen to music. Some days I let my iTunes library be my guide, other days I like to listen to the mood playlists on Spotify. I usually don’t agree with their playlists but it gives me the opportunity to listen to new stuff or stuff I’ve missed.

Today, I was thinking about my mood music and what I listen to when I’m “moody” so here’s what I came up with:

Angry: Pennywise, Distrubred, Korn, Nine Inch Nails.

Sad: Tim McGraw’s Don’t Take The Girl (that’s my go to cry song if I feel like I need to cry), Blue October.

Spiritual: Plumb, Enation.

Sexy: The Golden Palominos, Poe, The Weeknd, Fiona Apple, Heather Nova.

Happy: Bastille, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Ellie Goulding.

On sunny afternoon drive: Ray LaMontagne, Leonard Cohen, Hozier.

When I feel like I wanna dance: Marc Anthony, Sia.

When it’s a rainy day: Jessie Ware, David Grey, Nina Simone, or any jazz.

When I want to dream: Instrumental or Lindsey Stirling.

Of course this list changes by the day according to the mood I have already verses the mood I want to be in. That’s one expectation that’s always met. Music has the ability to change my mood in a heartbeat.

Expectations are a funny thing. What’s the saying, “Hope for the best and expect the worst?!” Blah horrible yet true phrase. The thing is, I’m not sure that my expectations are that high to begin with.

These are the things in life that I expect…
When I get an amazing blowout I expect it to rain soon.
I expect my GBF to always send me a “Good morning” text with some cute meme.
I can always count on not hearing back from my brother for about three days after I text him.
I know that my boss will always be late, except on Fridays when I have his check ready.
I expect to never have feelings as deeply as I do for THE friend for anyone else.
I expect those feelings to never be reciprocated.
I expect that I will always get tired of my natural hair color and always go back to blonde.
I expect that almost all calls after midnight are usually either booty calls or bad news.
I expect that the feeling of running away will come soon, again.
I expect that the dishes in my sink will stay there until I either don’t have any dishes left to use or I get seriously bored one day.

Those are the things that I can usually count on in life. No surprises there. However, while chatting with my GBF earlier we were joking about finding “husbands” somewhere. He said that I need to lower my expectations. This I won’t do. First, because I tried and it didn’t work and second what the hell is wrong with having an expectation that I want to date someone who I feel connected with. Since when was that a bad idea?

To some girls, settling means that they find a guy less attractive or with less money or with a lessor job than they planned. To me, settling is to find someone that I don’t connect with. It’s that simple. I don’t have strong connections to many people. I have a crapload of friends or acquaintances but few strong connections. These are the people that I’d spend my last dime on, ones that I’d let live in my space, ones that I give more of myself to than I’ve done with anyone else. These people are the ones that know my secrets, almost all my secrets.

So, no. I’m not going to settle in that area. I guess if that means it’s just me, my BFF and a lot of dogs when we grow old and are pulling our insignificant social security check at the end of the month then so be it. I suppose I should start expecting that as well then.

Things aren’t always as simple as changing a mindset. Some days maybe I wish things were that easy. I’d do the whole “Poof” and now I actually want to marry any one of the last few guys that have asked. But no, I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of expectations that are so low in my daily life that there’s not much room for error.

I think this solar eclipse (singing Total Eclipse of the Heart each time I say that) has me feeling strange. A bit anxious, maybe a little sad and something that I’m not quite sure of. I’m sure that the horror movie I just watched didn’t really help that mood much. It’s now time for a run I guess and then bed I guess. I’ll just go about my expected routine tonight.

Hope you’re having a great week. What’s your mood music?

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Securing Insecurities…

That is something that all humans share, insecurities. I suppose as a common denominator we should all feel some solace in that. In one of my secret affairs with tween dramas I’ve always remember a quote from One Tree Hill. It’s a bunch of girls sitting around a living room talking about what is expected of us (women).

“Don’t be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don’t be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb.

Be yourself. But make sure you fit in.”

Isn’t that how we all live these days? We’re all either too big, small, short, tall. We’re too dark or too light or too empowered or not empowered enough. It’s exhausting for both men and women. Then comes social media to show us just how insecure we are. There are these insanely beautiful women with insanely perfect bodies, hair and makeup and we’re all suppose to either jump on the bandwagon or be left in the dirt?

And lets not forget men either. The men are asked to have perfect hair, beards, have washboard abs and have ridiculously expensive cars and be able to take a woman out for a night on the town that some fictional character “Mr. Grey” would be envious of all while beating their women into submission and calling it passion?

Since when did everything become so publicized, so unnecessary, so unattainable? I perpetuate the problem as many of us do. I dress myself up in hopes of getting some sort of attention that I feel is lacking in my life. I flirt with men to boost their egos knowing that it’ll get me something that I want. I carry expensive purses out of the sheer feeling of having something that someone else might convent.

But it’s impossible. No one can be all things that they need to be and therefore it gives us all this sense of “I’m not worthy”. “I’m not worthy to be with this person.” “I’m not worthy to have this kind of love.” “I’m not worthy of this job, this family or this whatever.”

I had a guy once tell me that he never thought I was someone who was self-conscious because I appeared to be so strong and proud of who I was. It was another one of those moments in time that I remember what he was wearing. I remember what he looked like when he said it and I remember how I felt when he did. I remember telling him that all of us, everyone feels like they don’t fit in or that there’s always someone better out there but the trick was to make others believe that you do fit in and you are the best. He said I did a good job at it. I’m not sure that I have done a great job of any of that lately.

These thoughts stems from a few things. Mainly, they are based on THE friends and my friendship. It’s the strangest thing. Some days, he makes me feel warm and fuzzy and fun and loved. Some days he brings out insecurities in me that I didn’t even know were there. But in a strange turn of events, his insecurities are brought out by certain situations as well. I don’t think I bring them out in him but certain instances do. He says these horrible things about himself, things that I’ve never thought of him.

I told him that I wanted to shake him and make him see himself through my eyes but I know I can’t. Knowing these things makes me understand things a bit more but I don’t need him to feel bad so that things are clear to me. It’s a strange situation that we’re in and it still feels like there’s some sort of barrier between us. There’s some unspoken truth that I can’t see or that he doesn’t want to share. We’ve gone through a lot but there still feels like there’s so much more to get through and sometimes my words to him fall on deaf ears. Either that or his perception of himself is so low that all the truthful things that I throw at him to penetrate his walls are just bouncing off and landing back two feet in front of me.

Those are the times when I feel that all the kind words I begrudgingly share with him are just hurting him because he’s not in the right place to hear them. Which makes me feel insecure because I’ve never been that honest with anyone. So, his insecurities make me push even harder for him to hear the good things and that in turn makes him feel like crap because he doesn’t believe them. So we are in an endless cycle which can not continue.

Also, I fear that I’m just a placeholder for his next girlfriend and he fears that his actions or words will push me away… Do you see the problem here? Aside from some mutual form of therapy, I don’t know what else to do. I want to be the supportive friend but I also HAVE to know that this friendship is making a difference, in a good way. I don’t want him to worry about another thing in his life.

That’s also a reason why I choose to write about our issues here before bringing them up to him. Some of them are MY insecurities and NOT so much about him. The problem for me is that I’ve never had someone bring this crap out in me before. I’ve always had a “This is who I am, if you don’t like it go away” attitude because I like myself. I have no clue if he’s ever had a friendship like this so I couldn’t tell you what this does to him.

I do know that he has been trying so hard to make sure that everything is ok but there’s still so much that I want to say to him but in his current state it would be easier to hear bad shit which is not what this is about. So, in following up with yesterday’s post with the million dollar questions, “If I could give one thing to someone else what would it be and why?” I’d give THE friend the ability to see himself as I do. If he did he’d see someone that, even with imperfections, is a good person. Someone that has a so much to give. Someone that is so scared to love because it’s been taken away so many times or lost. He’d see someone that is worth all this and more if he just let his guard down, stopped fighting whatever it is that he’s fighting. Show some true, real, emotions aside from anger and let someone truly in his world.

I’m not sure I’ve conveyed that to him or made it even appear to be ok to do that with me. If I haven’t then I’ve failed and there again perpetuating the cycle of insecurities.

And now, to finalize, I will quote Stewart Smally. To all of you that read this, know and believe that you are good enough, smart enough and dog-gone-it people like you! Randomly tell someone close to you something nice today just because, then do what I do and punch them in the arm and call them a bitch afterward.

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Exes and Sexes…

I was going through a memory box the other day that I’d had hidden and found an envelope that my ex’s mother had sent me. He’s the one who past away last year. Inside were some of his CD’s of concerts that we’d gone to. There were also some notes or letters that he’d written me that I guess he’d never expected to send. I get that. I do that myself but his were all nice and loving.

Sometimes, I think that I could never have been with him entirely because I didn’t deserve to be loved, not that greatly. That wasn’t the truth though. The truth was that we were never that compatible. We never fought or argued. There wasn’t any passion. I wouldn’t ever let him touch me in public. I believe that couples should argue, it’s part of passion and the fact that he was Spanish, I always assumed that he was suffocating himself and his emotions. I was more of the man in that relationship because I was just numb and didn’t care.

In the looks department though, he was absolutely my type. I like tall men but the truth is just under 6 foot is perfect for me. I’m a tall girl and standing eye to eye with a man (in boots) is kinda sexy. He had dark hair. These kind eyes that I would stare into and wonder what the hell he was doing in this loveless relationship with me. He had a nice body but chest hair which I do not find sexy.

He never met my family. I’d met his. He’d never met my best friend. I’d met his. He was barely ever at my home. We were always at his. He was so proper and a gentleman which is great sometimes but I also want a guy who has a hair out of place, has clothes with holes that he wears to do shit around the house in. I want a guy that doesn’t always have to be perfect.

He never knew my history. He never knew my favorite flower, color or what I’m scared of. We never had intimate conversations with secrets being spilled because I felt so comfortable. He wasn’t spontaneous. He wasn’t adventurous. He wasn’t ever loved, by me. That sounds harsh and cold but that wasn’t a secret. I told him the truth about how I felt, or didn’t feel and it didn’t matter. He saw something he wanted and thought he could have it. He was wrong.

The last conversation we’d had was pleasant. There were no hurt feelings and it ended the way it should have and from what his mom had said, he was happy. I was angry after I’d found out about his death because I felt like he’d wasted his time on being in love with me when he should have been making someone else happy that deserved him but I’m at peace with everything now. I believe in the domino effect and that everything still happens for a reason.

There’s also a reason why I still work with the first guy I was ever in love with. He knows me enough to know when to have a conversation with me about something and he gives good advice all while still looking out for my best interests as well. He’s happily married and I really like his wife so there’s nothing there and hasn’t been for a very long time. I actually remember the day I fell out of love with him because he was never my forever. But regardless, we work well together.

Some boyfriends or dates might be jealous about that but it doesn’t matter who the first love of your life is. It only matters who the last one is. This goes the same for relationships and sex, to me. It doesn’t matter about all the others. It only matters about the one your with right now. That’s why I don’t really ask too many questions about previous relationships. After each on, the slate is wiped clean and you get to start over. While everyone still has their “patterns” on what they do with dates, it’s all about the new experience with that person.

Do they worry about the intricate details? Do they take time to plan something special? Do they take into account your needs, wants or desires? When they touch you, is it a soft graze, a playful slap or a rough passionate pull? Do they anticipate the things that they secretly know you like? Do they look you in the eyes when they speak to you? Do they pull out the information they’re looking for? Are they a gentleman when they need to be but take control where they should?

For me, it’s always gone beyond holding a door open for a lady, putting the toilet seat down or pulling a chair out for me to sit. It’s about those small little things that I notice. Do they say “God bless you” after a sneeze? Do they wipe that tiny little eye lash from under your eye? Do they slowly kiss your cheek right above your lip, then pause and kiss you ever so tenderly on the lips?

Hmmm, so it seems I’ve gone off on a tangent and I’m really not sure why. I guess traveling down memory lane but imagining an entirely different memory is what’s going on. This whole thing started to let go of my ex, for good, which is why I burned his letters. Seems cold right? It’s actually cathartic for me. It’s symbolizes the finality of all of it for me. I’m finally of clear mind. This will only assure the next real relationship doesn’t come with relationship baggage from my side. I’ve never really been into bringing past relationships into new ones anyway.

I’ll leave you with two of MY favorite songs from the CD’s in his box. He hated them both but I always liked them.

Hope you’re off to a great weekend.

Couple dancing tango

Couple dancing tango