Something wicked this way comes…

This weekend has seriously been strange. The “I’m not ok with this” strange. A sort of “Something wicked this way comes” strange. I can’t really even describe things better than than though. Instances, occurrences and events have put me in a strange mood.

After a bit to drink last night and an enjoyable evening I came home late and wrote. I wrote first on paper so I could get it all out and it really did just keep coming all out. Then I formulated a better plan and rewrote on the computer and almost hit send… What was this life changing letter that I was writing? Well, it was my “break-up” letter to THE friend.

It occurred to me while I’m in the middle of this heartfelt, crushing, emotional letter basically saying all the things I’ve ever wanted to say but didn’t know how, I was literally ONLY writing this for an audience of one. Me. The more and more I wrote this the more and more I got angry because I realized that if he ever actually cared, I’d never have to write this. If he’d ever actually cared I’d never felt as shitty as I did in that very moment. If he ever actually cared I wouldn’t have felt like it was his favorite past time to rip out my heart whenever he could.

That’s all giving him a lot of power and I understand that it was too much responsibility. He can’t take care of himself so asking for him to take care of my heart was way too much. You know once, when I told him that I still had feelings for him his reply was, “I feel betrayed. I thought you’d taken care of that shit.” I should have know then that I couldn’t have given my heart to someone any less deserving of it.

There has always been over a thousand reasons why hanging around in this “friendship” was a terrible idea but I was so sure that WE were meant for more than we ever actually were. I’ve allowed this guy to steal my happiness when we were never really friends. Do you know how sad that is?

Things have gotten just so bad in my mind that there’s nothing to be done. I am miserable when he’s not here but I’m even more miserable when he is because he could care less that I’m the one he’s with in that moment. He’ll never treat this friendship or me even close to the way it should be. Lastly, whatever joy this relationship ever brought to me died along time ago.

I realized just how much happier I am in other circles and just how much my true self shines around others. I’m the life of the party. I’m enjoying every moment with others. I’m not questioning “why” they’re there. I’m not worried that as soon as they get something they need or want then they’re gone. I’m not worried around everyone else. My heart isn’t breaking around everyone else. I’m not left feeling like an invisible piece of shit with anyone else.

I tried to remember last night the last time I felt good about “us”. It was over three years ago. That’s way too long. Then, I tried to remember what or when it was that things changed. I can’t even point that out anymore but what did come to mind was all these moments in this “shitty movie montage” of all the times when I ended up crying or angry or just plain feeling like shit about “us” or myself or the evening or whatever.

This is the first time that I’m realizing that these roadblocks that are between us will never move, in fact, they’ll only get worse. It’s not fixable anymore and I don’t actually think that I want to fix things. I don’t think there’s enough superglue in this entire world that will fix all our broken bits together.

I don’t remember when I stopped being a strong independent woman when it came to him but when that did happen is when I should have realized that a boy should fan the flames of an independent woman and not stomp them out.

I am officially done with feeling sad or angry about something that I put so much into. I know that’s been said before but there’s been a real change. Trust me. The second job interview. The other friend and some words of wisdom from other friends have just made me realize that by attaching myself to lost causes, I’m bringing myself down and miserable. Just to be clear I do not think that HE is a lost cause, I think that WE are a lost cause.

So after all that thought went into the breakup letter and I was just about to hit send so that it slips out of my mind and into the universe to end up in his email only to be ignore as he does so many other things for week. I realized that on the off chance he did read it I didn’t want him to have a crappy weekend because of that…. WOW. I’m awesome. Course then I realized that, again, he’d still never see things through my eyes. He’d pull some bullshit and send me some angry vindictive text messages about how I suck and how everything is really my fault somehow.

None of any of that matters now. I’ve been immune to his “charm” this entire time and have only been running off some emotions that our combined energy brought into this world that others felt as well in the beginning. That was enough to bring me this far but has now finally reached empty. I told you that my weekend has been strange.

I suppose I’ll keep you all informed as to what I end up doing but by typical calculations I maybe or may not hear from him in a week or two, possible three. By then, maybe I’ll have figured out the best way to have the most need finale ever. It sucks that the most needed things to do in the world are also the hardest but I suppose those are the adult things we all have to do at some point. I just wished I wasn’t the only one that is going to hurt like hell.

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Imagine This… A meaningful quote with a side of signs.

A while back I was perusing this site Tiny Buddha Site and came across this piece of wisdom:

“Imagine This: If you had $84,400 in your account and someone stole $10.00 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10.00? Or move on and live? Right, move on a dn live. See, we have 86,400 seconds each day. Don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the remaining 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.”

Even though we all knew that… Isn’t it more powerful spelled out like that? That stuck in my mind since I saw it. It’s even better when something comes to you at a time of much needed contemplation anyway. Like today, or tonight…

Before leaving for a nice dinner I had an even better workout. It was one of those workouts that I was almost in pain but I didn’t want to stop so it turned into an almost hour and half of intense awesomeness. That makes me happy for so many reasons but one of those is that when I run or walk it gives me time to think.

If you read my posts you’ll already know just how much I’m into signs. The problem with signs though is that they are never what you want, nor expect. I heard once, somewhere, that the universe or God first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention you get a tiny pebble thrown at you in hopes of you picking up that sign… If you are STILL not listening then you get a brick thrown at your head. I am someone who’s had to have a lot of bricks thrown at me.

Let me explain my type of situation… This is a scenario of something that could possibly happen to me as things similar have:
– I’d get five flyers in my mailbox that had something to do with my car. Ignore them all. That’s the whisper.
– Then I’d have someone I knew have something happen to their car and in the same instance they’d say something like, “You should get your car checked out. This should be a lesson to you. That would be the pebble.
– I’d run out of gas or my check engine light comes on and my car stops on the freeway… That would be the brick.

So my point being is we all get some sort of signs in our lives leading up to what our next “step” or “stage” should be… It’s just whether or not we actually choose to listen to it. Recently I have had that happen. It was a health thing but I pretty much had the whisper, the pebble, the brick and finally a freight train barrel toward me before I finally listened.

Since I’m trying to meditate more now, which actually just turns into sessions of me thinking too much, I realized that there’s been a few instances of this lately. First instance was this health issue which I finally listen to. The second, which I have not listened to just yet is this place where I live. There have been signs that I shouldn’t be here for years but yet I stay.

Mostly my reasons for not moving are because moving sucks. I live 5 miles from work which would be about 25 minutes to bike there once I get my new bike but it’s also because I have way too much shit. Lastly, It’s because I’ve always thought that I’d leave here when I would be moving in with someone else.

That last thought brought me to another “Sign” that I’ve been ignoring. Staying in this town I’m in. The reasons why I’ve stayed here so long, I used to feel, they outweighed the bad. That is not the case and I don’t think it’s been the case for sometime now.

Reason 1: My job – I’ve been here for almost 18 years… That’s a long fucking time. I make decent money but it’s not challenging. It’s not fun and I work for an asshole who is more selfish than anyone else I know which just makes me want to dick punch him all the time. That’s not a good place that I want to be in.

Reason 2: The friends – This one is a bit strange because I realized that when my brother threw me a surprise party the hotel room that he bought for the night held about 10% of the people that I actually spend my time with. I have friends everywhere in all my little worlds so I can move wherever and I’d still be spending time with people that I shared history with.

Reason 3: I like this city. Most of the people that I know who’ve moved away don’t appreciate this city because they lived a sheltered life and never ventured out much. I’m not saying this is a perfect place but it’s got some great qualities.

Reason 4: I was far enough from my family that I didn’t need to see them all the time but was still close enough to get there if needed.

Reason 5: THE friend. Yep, it absolutely sucks to admit that I’ve stayed here longer than I ever wanted to because of THE friend. Some convoluted part of my brain thought that the longer I stayed here the more potential he’d have to realize just how awesome we’d be together. That occurred somewhere in my subconscious because my conscious thought always knew the reality of “us”. That reality has just become so loud in my mind and I’m not ok being stuck in this weird, boring, limbo rut that we’re in as friends. I’m not ok with any of it.

The problem with reason 5, in the past, has been that all the “signs” were pointing to a much different future for us. I wanted to believe in those signs so badly that I’d miss anything else. My mind is much more open to receiving now and it’s sees things in an entirely different way. I stopped reading the signs how I wanted to interpret them and finally l saw what I was meant to see which means I was finally ready to see it.

So the moral of the story here is a few things. First, don’t let someone else’s 10 minutes of shit kill the rest of your 86,390 minutes of a day. Second, watch out and listen for signs. Pay attention before you get freight trained. Lastly, when the reasons stay become so much less than the reasons to leave then it’s time to go.

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Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.

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Freezing temps and freezing emotions…

This weekend was exactly what I needed. I thought I’d be staying in almost all weekend and enjoying the warmness of the inside all while knowing there would be a nice awesome chill outside. As an added bonus it snowed for about two minutes on Friday afternoon. It was nothing major but enough for me to remember why I missed snow.

Friday was a typical day at work. I came home and took a little nap then went out for a few hours. When I got home I started to get into a new TV show that my BFFs been telling me to watch for a while. Saturday was a little of the same thing. I worked for a little while, took a nap and then went out for a while and came home and watch some more of this new show.

I made sure to write in my gratitude journal every night. I made sure that the things I was grateful weren’t just the typical things. I tried to make notes of all the little things that happened throughout each day as well so I can look back and realize just how many blessings are in my life.

Then comes Sunday. I honestly thoughts I’d relax most of the day then have dinner with some friends at night. It didn’t exactly work out like that. I got up early and had my coffee. I then worked out for an hour and finished the “must do” items by working for a bit. Then around 1ish THE friend came over to re-watch Game of Thrones because there’s so much to miss in each episode.

I had no expectations and no plans of doing anything else. I was mentally writing the things I’m grateful for with him though. I am grateful that he scrubs the toilet. I am grateful that he cleaned his dishes tonight. I am grateful that he came over.

But with all the good, you know there’s bad as well. First, I’m trying to get health and for that to happen I can’t have crap food in my home. It’s always been a fear that if I didn’t keep it here that would be one less reason for him to come over because he usually eats it all. Today did nothing to stop those fears and he just seemed bored the majority of the time.

Another thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion, physical touching and words in general. He just seemed cold and distant. I hate that feeling because I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve that. He started a new job and I asked him how it was and he ignored the question so I left it alone. If I took away all the words that weren’t about the show we were watching we probably spent 5-10 words on each other.

When he’s seeing a new person he usually becomes distant like that. If that’s what going on then fine but I don’t know how much of this I can take before it ruins my mood. I’ve been doing so much better and I don’t want him or his lack of emotions or the fact that he’s got a new woman in his life to change things for us.

We really did use to have this really special friendship. I believe he described it as “unusually intimate and undefinable” before. I liked that version of us because the version we are now is just cold and boring. I don’t do cold and boring. That’s just not something that I want to invest my time in.

On a good day I get the impression that he holds back all these good or great emotions for me and that’s exciting even though I know that it’s a false hope type of situation. It at least makes things interesting but on a bad day I just feel like someone who THE friends just keeps an appointment with just in case he ever needs something important or when there’s an emergency. That’s not really a friend.

My version of a friend is something who texts you out of the blue with stupid things. A friend is someone that hugs you first before going to your fridge. A friend is someone that wants to have a conversation with you and doesn’t make you feel invisible.

In my world, Sunday’s are the worst days to do something with someone that you actually want to spend time with because one or both of you has to work the next day. So he keeps his Friday and Saturday nights free for new girls, other girls or better offers. That a pathetic thought. “How can I exert the least amount of energy to show her that I am a friend but don’t let it impede actually having fun”. I believe that’s his thought process.

I’m on the verge of tears here writing all this because I’ve not felt this bad for a while now and it’s not fair to me. When our mutual friend asks if THE friend and I have talked lately I’ve never felt like it was a lie to say no because we never talk and therefore not a lie. I could have a thousand friends make me feel great but he does or doesn’t do the littlest thing and it changes my mood entirely.

It’s painfully obvious that we are not real friends much less “unusually intimate and undefinable”. It’s a sad thing when you can see a relationship die right before your eyes. I’m sure since there was no stimulation for him here tonight that I won’t be seeing or hearing from him for a while. I hate this place we’ve in. Now that made me cry.

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Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.

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What to do when it’s over…

I’m speaking of the holiday’s, I think, when I title this post. But I guess that they’re not entirely over until after the New Years parties right? I’m not sure and I still haven’t decided what I’m doing for new years yet. So indecisive…

But what about the Christmas holiday? Well, it was great. That wasn’t sarcasm either. I got there early Friday morning and my niece was so excited to see me. However, I was so excited to see a coffee mug first. Yes, it was that early. We played around then went out to shop a bit, came back and played some more. A few hours later my sister-in-laws brother got there so there were two single adult children to play with my niece.

She’s an amazing little ball of energy and, I know this is said all the time, but she’s so crazy smart. I carry on conversations with her as if she were my intellectual equal. There’s no baby talk in the house and she’s treated very adult like but able to act like a kid which is something that I probably envy a bit. After a long night and a bit of drinking, a lot of laughing and just being exhausted I finally fell asleep without much help from my sleeping pills.

Saturday came around and it was up early, coffee (of course) and a lot more playing. My brother is building her a real life castle playhouse in the backyard so there’s a lot of mud, sand and all other things that make laundry a much needed thing, much quicker than normal. Then my parents got to my brothers house early, like super early. So the passive aggressive remakes came out a lot quicker about why I never visit them. That part was awesome (yes that WAS sarcasm) but we quickly shot that down by playing a few games of poker.

Poker is my dad’s game but after a few bad hands I think he realized that I inherited his luck or skill for the game. I was taking his money quickly and that was fun. After an hour or so of this it was time to get ready for the sister-in-laws family Christmas eve dinner. There were a lot of people there but aside from my niece I was the youngest. So she and I played a lot trying to ignore the adult conversations around the room.

My sister-in-laws grandparents are still alive and well in their 90’s. Both, once, strong roll models but now are wither away quickly. They’ve both fought a long hard battle with sickness, struggles and copious amounts of things that we’ll never know but I found out some things about her grandfather which left me in awe but also saddened at the fact that I would never get to speak with him in the prime of his life. He is a doctor and one of the first that helped the victims of the Holocaust. He also testified at the Nuremberg Trials. He has some amazing knowledge in his mind which is getting hazier each day.

Those are stories that he’d rather forget which is understandable. However, they are part of history and he was on the good side. He was/is an amazing brilliant man that has turned into a shell of someone who is so very ready to let go of his physical self. He and his wife are ready to go and from what I heard it’s a bit like The Notebook. I’d say yuck to the reference if I wasn’t so in awe of his knowledge.

So after the party we all went back to my brothers house where we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and went to bed a bit earlier mostly due to the fear that my parents would be showing up before the requested time that we offered. But to our amazement they all landed at the house at the same time. One car pulled in, then another, and another… The stockings went quickly and then it was time to open presents from under the tree. I am usually less excited to open mine because I’m more excited to see others open mine.

I got each person exactly what they asked for. That’s always the fun part for me is getting them what they want. I got all the things I’d asked for as well but I tended to be practical. Silk sheets, towels, electronics… those types of things. After that I started packing to make sure I left on time. As I said the other day, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to stay more than I wanted to come home. I had no desire to come home to a lonely cold home.

Before I left though there was one more gift to open. I’d addressed it to the “kids at heart” and to the “adult children”. I’d purchased four snowball guns and a lot of boxes of LED lighted snowballs. Once opened it was open season on anyone who got in our way. We were loud, running everywhere and having a blast. My niece was running around finding all the snowballs and then loading her gun first then offering them to me. As my brother was loading his she stood in front of me saying, “You can’t hit her… She’s my best friend”. Which yes, even with a stone cold heart made me feel like the grinch at the end of the movie.

Most times, when I leave there is not a big deal made about it from my niece. She’s usually the one saying she’s tired and wants to nap so it’s a quick hug and a “bye!”. This was the first time that she cried. She cried so much that it tore my heart up. There was tears and snot and holding on for dear life… It was a scene that is stuck in my mind right now and has been. No one said, “suck it up” or “you’ll be fine”. It was acknowledged, she was told that she could feel whatever she wanted to and then I left. I left happy that she wasn’t told to hide her feelings or to ignore them. They are teaching her to FEEL! That’s a luxury that I never got and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My drive home was nice. I thought about the weekend and was talking to my ex most of the way. He’d asked me to go with him to San Francisco. He’s traveling there for work and spent most of the conversation saying exactly the things that I wanted to hear. How he loved me, cared so much for me and was just excited to get the opportunity to see me and treat me to something. He literally said every single thing I NEEDED to hear before I was about to arrive at my quiet lonely home.

We left the conversation by me saying, “I’ll think about it seriously. I promise”. Which I am. However, when I got home there was a car in my parking spot and I knew that for the moment that I walked in my home I wouldn’t be alone. But I also knew that there was no telling how long I’d have some companionship.

I walked in and THE friend was here. He’d been here since Friday and I was happy to know that he was in a place that someone appreciated him in. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Treading on thin frozen water because I know he hates the holidays I didn’t really say anything about my trip but then again he didn’t ask either. I then took a nap and woke up a little delighted the he was still here.

That’s always the problem when he stays. I usually feel myself already being disappointed because I know that he could decide to get up and leave at any given moment. That some girl will text or call him wanting to see him and then he’d leave. This time went a bit different though. I stayed in the moment and just engaged when he wanted to and didn’t when he was off in another world, or another person. We are so far in the “friendzone” that it’s disgusting.

The good thing is that I no longer worry that my hairs perfect, that I have matching underwear on or that my legs are shaved because to him, it never mattered. So I get to just relax and act as though he’s just some girl friend or gay friend that’s here. I change with the door open. I sleep with no pants on and I no longer wait for him to crawl into bed just to be next to some warm body.

Since I know that this is all he wants out of us, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to be the one that he turns to for everything or that we don’t have to have some talk or argument that might just change the way everything turns out. I’m not as offended when he says stupid mean shit. I am better at not getting upset that I know he’s wishing he was next to any other girl than me. There are still times that I say things that are probably out of jealousy but also because I know he’s better than he acts.

Things no longer feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Does this mean that I’m no longer in love with him? Does it mean that I’m no longer a masochist? Or does this mean that I’m just so used to him at this point that nothing he does surprises me? I’m not really sure about any of that right now and the difference is that not having those answers no longer keep me up at night…

There was a time not long ago that I still help out hope that he would surprise me in a grandiose way. Some huge sign that this was always meant to be something more than a normal friendship but that is also gone now. I think that I am a bit sad about the fact that he’ll never surprise me in a good way again. But I guess that’s all part of getting over it all. Strangely all I wanted for Christmas was a few nice kind words from him and I’d have been the happiest I’ve been in a long time about us.

I came home tonight and figured out that he’d left about five minutes before I got home. Again, no surprise there but I wasn’t as sad as I usually am to find him gone. I was able to “take care of myself”. Take a nice long shower and write here. Those are things that are great home alone things to do even though I’d brought him something that he needed. That’s what I get for trying to please someone that can’t be pleased or doesn’t want to be. Not really sure when I’ll see him again. We shall see especially since I only saw him by accident this weekend. I actually think he was disappointed that I came home when I did. I think he welcomes being in my home more when I’m not in it.

So, those are some of the tales of my Christmas holidays. It’s time to start thinking about the new year, to a healthier, happier New Year. Hopefully I’ll get one with some good surprises from someone else this year. I’m so crazy tired right now that it’s all I can do to finish this. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I appreciate all of you for your kind words and for listening to me on these crazy ramblings.

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Tis The Season To…

Unlike years before, tis the season to appreciate a lot more, to be grateful and to realize just a bit more what you want out of life. Well, it is for me. So I figured that I would do my lists before I’m off out of town in the morning.

I am grateful for this year…
That I have friends of every variety that are amazing.
That I have found myself in a happier place than this time last year.
That I have had the opportunities to travel, go to concerts and do a few things I’ve never done before.
That my niece tells me I’m her best friend.
That I didn’t settle for a boy just because he loved me.
That I’ve met new people this year and can call a few of them friends.
That I’ve spent more time with people that are so much different than I am.
That I’ve started to see the good in everything even when it feels like there isn’t any.
That I’ve had a job that I like and do well.

There’s still a long way to go for me. That’s where the new year comes in. I know it all sounds cliche but it’s the perfect time. The first is on a Sunday so it’s brand new year, week and day. There’s no better way to start. I’ll need help and hopefully I’ll find the strength to ask for it this time.

Some of the things that I am putting on my list for the new year…
I want to get healthy, once and for all. I need to have people in my life that are supportive of that goal and that will help.
I want to do more things that I’ve never done like take a cooking class, maybe finally get a dog again and spend more time outdoors.
I’d like to get back to a place with my BFF that doesn’t feel so distant which is my fault.
I’d like get to a place where none of THE friends actions, words or lack of feelings doesn’t bother me at all. As much as we’ve had our issues I don’t want to have a life without him in it.
I’d like to move maybe not away but away from where I am. I need to find some better, new energy.
I want to continue growing, learning and getting to a better place overall with my life.
I want to check off a lot of classic movies that I’ve still never seen. Maybe I’ll use the rainy days for that.
I want to volunteer more.
I want to spend less money.
I want do something that makes a difference to someone else.

Because of all that on my list I’m going to be asking the universe for a lot but not more than I can handle.
I’m asking the universe for patience, love and understanding. I am looking for guidance and peace and lots of laughter.
I am asking for someone who makes me feel the good parts of what THE friend makes me feel and who loves me back unconditionally. Trust is, I’d take a carbon copy… Well, without all the girlfriends and maybe less of the bad moods but more sweet gestures and an unlimited amount of love.
I’m asking for signs that I should either let go of my current job and move somewhere else or stay for just a bit longer.

In each and every year, month, day even I am beginning to see the better parts of it rather than the worst. I have resigned to understand that routine isn’t a rut but what I need to do to survive. I also understand that maybe I wasn’t mean for “normal”. Maybe marriage, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence just isn’t in the cards for me and I might just be okay with that.

There are things about my life that I love and I plan to focus on those things. I’ll eventually find a rhythm and a groove that I’m the most comfortable in. Some days I’d like to just know that I won’t spend my life alone in the end because I was too picky or because I wouldn’t settle for feeling something less that someone else.

I might never be one of those people that wakes up with a ray of sunshine coming out my ass (as my boss puts it) or one that finds beauty in a swirling plastic bag but it doesn’t mean that the happier moments won’t mean as much. It does mean that the not so great moments are not so bad anymore.

I’m starting to sound like one of those self-help books or Tedtalks or something. I don’t know. My world just feels different lately… Better. The last part of this year will be spent ridding myself of things I don’t need anymore. Taking things to Goodwill and cleaning other things.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing for new years eve yet. I’ve had three invites so far but I want to do something different. Bringing in the new year with the same people doing the same thing just doesn’t seem right or interesting.

So that’s my random rambling tonight. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, holiday or weekend, whatever you choose to celebrate. Remember, “Peace, Love and don’t give a shit!”

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