Song of the day: Dream State By: Son Lux

I’m continuing to have these weird and crazy dreams. I’m not sure what to make of them either but they are exhausting. I feel like I’ve been stuck in purgatory for months now. It’s frustrating. So basically I’m exhausted and frustrated. Each time a guy’s messaged me about coming over I’ve declined or made up some excuse too because they’re not the one’s I want to spent time with. The last guy actually got a little upset. Which I know isn’t my issue and I made not attempt to fix his emotions. That’s new.

So I am exhausted, frustrated and missing human connection and human touch all because I don’t want to settle for some one or two night stands. I’m improving my emotional health I guess but damn… it’s been forever and this drought needs to stop. I need some action soon.

There’s a quote from a movie that I keep seeing and that I keep hearing except I’ve never seen this movie. I saw this quote years ago and it resonated with me so much. The quote…

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I’m not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there’s no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.”

That is from Meet Joe Black and it’s said by Sir Anthony Hopkins and is quite possibly the most poignant quote about love that I’ve ever heard. But there’s a reason that it keeps playing inside my head when I’m sleeping lately. I think it has to do with all the men that come through my life that I hold my breath for some sort of connection that I’ve had once before. I think that each of these men I entertained waiting for that connection and it just never came. The connection that I have with one man. This man who pops in my life maybe a few times a year as to say, “Hey keep holding out hope while I’m out here living just in case I’m bored.”

It’s sick and twisted but it is a love that won’t die. No matter how long or the distance or the situation. I know that I’ve never been treated appropriately by him and I’ve tried to repeatedly cut those cords that attached us. Nothing seems to work even on the days that I’m devastatingly done with my heart. He just pops up on my phone or in a dream or in someone’s story to me. I do not keep these flames alive because it’s burning me to death. I’m also aware that if these weren’t one sided feelings we’d have a different outcome or live in a different reality so I’m fully aware on what the actual state of affairs are. I’m not delusional and I’ve kept off my girl-brain for a very long time now.

I’ve spent evenings manifesting, praying or begging the universe for a different outcome or for him to just fade away in my memory and my heart to no avail. I’ll meet someone new and that night go home and have a dream so vivid that I feel like I’m being unfaithful to someone that doesn’t care. I’ve “let go” of any outcome to this and tried to put it out of my thoughts completely but I feel like that just makes it worse and again, my dreams don’t actually let me forget. It’s as if I’ve been cursed and I don’t know why.

I’m not sad or upset I’m just exhausted, frustrated and missing human connection today… That is all.

Song of the day: Universe By: LU2VYK, Lieutenant 71, Axel Ehnstrom

I feel as though I’m having an allergic reaction to the universe lately. The only bliss I have is that the weather got a little cold again. The cold gives me comfort. I am sleeping like crap and having the weirdest dreams. I don’t relax even when I’m attempting to relax. I want to go out and be with people but I’m far more comfortable being alone. It’s all a contradiction.

There was a post I’d written about my boss’s girlfriend a while back and it had been about 2 years and we’d still not met. Then a couple weeks ago they broke up. My boss was sad and I felt this overwhelming urge to reach out to her because I know what he’s like when he gets mad, or sad or uncomfortable. When I did she’d called me and we spoke for hours that day. Then my boss came over that evening and I told him, “I did a thing”. He’d had no idea that I would have reached out and I’m not even sure he’d have asked me to if I’d asked him but I didn’t ask. After that night she and I spoke or texted for several days until finally we decided to actually meet and get together.

Because my boss and I have a weird relationship that’s more like brother/sister but he calls me his “work wife” it’s hard for women to understand me and sometimes feel threatened. She had also told him that she didn’t like the fact that I was still friends with his ex-wife, and two of his past girlfriends. Yes, obviously they got back together and then broke up and again and got back together again. I’ll never understand the back and forth and the nasty things they each say about each other when they break up and then get back together. But regardless I thought that if we met that maybe she’d feel better about me and that would help things. Plus my boss is terrible at being single and no one wants that.

We meet up at this nice restaurant in between us and spend hours just talking about a lot of things. She’s adorable and beautiful and it was a really nice evening. She learned about me enough to be comfortable and we didn’t really talk about him at all. She gets home, calls him and says how awesome I am and then goes to bed. She then wakes up in the morning yelling and screaming at him because “How can you let her be friends with your ex who’s such a horrible person when she (me) is no sweet and beautiful”. Then they proceed to breakup again and subsequently get back together. During all this time his ex-girlfriend who his currently girlfriend hates is also one of my private clients that I do things for. She’s having issues with her business partner and that whole thing is a mess.

So I hate messes and I hate negative energy and I’m suddenly surrounded by it because I just want to help people which is also why I cocooned myself at home during all this because I wanted to protect my peace. I’d finally decided that I wanted to go out this weekend with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and listen to some live music. Since I’m not on social media I didn’t know who was playing and went to pick him up.

When got there and it happened to be this guys band that I almost hooked up with a couple years ago. He’s a great singer but kind of has a messy life, in my opinion but maybe he’s happy with it. I sat in the back with my friend who I had to be careful with as he’d the one who professed his love last time he was super drunk. I didn’t go hug the singer or make any movements towards him and just sat and listened to the music which was good. When it hit about 1:30 in the morning I was ready to leave. A few hours into my sleep that night I guess the singer got on his messages and text me said it was nice to see me and blah blah blah asking if we can hang out.

Here’s the part of my life that I don’t understand. I’m doing something right… Obviously in the bedroom. These guys love to talk to me and we have hours and hours of conversation. They all come back but none of these are spiritual connections that are more meaningful than one night stands. So where’s the actual connections? Where’s the one that stays? I’m not a crazy person. I’m not a crazy insecure female who goes bat-shit crazy. I’m not putting these signals into the universe but there are no meaningful one’s that stay. Yes, a lot of them, since I feel no connection to, I leave and don’t try but the last true one that I had feelings for that caught fire and burned to the ground with no help from me.

I have just really forgotten what love actually feels like at this point. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be happily dating someone and what it feels like to be peaceful in someone else’s space. I’m confused as to when I’m supposed to feel that again, if ever and I’m pissed because all these unavailable guys keep making their way back into my space. I’m so invested into making sure everyone else is happy and healthy that I put all my needs and wants aside for everyone else. I feel lost and at times insignificant. I feel like I’m drowning in sadness on some days and barely hanging on on other days. I’ve literally spent hours lying on my couch listening to music and starring at the ceiling because anything else would have been too exhausting. I’m in need of finding someone who see ME and understands ME and wants to make ME healthy and happy. I’ve just given up on looking for it. I’m tired… I’m so tired.

I’ve spent countless hours, manifesting and speaking to the universe and done the “vision boards” and the mantras and the meditation that I’m so fucking exhausted. I’ve given up and then got back on it and then given up again. I’ve let the universe take control and then tried to take it back… all to no avail. I’m exhaustingly done… again. I think that the worst part of all this is that because of my own faults I haven’t talked to anyone about any of this. I just go out and hang out with people with a smile on my face and then come home and collapse. I feel like I’m at a crossroads of complete and total boredom, losing my mind and being lost in myself. I feel like I can’t take a deep breath or get enough decent sleep. All while everyone around me is being taken care of… and that’s my update today.

Song of the day: Stay By: Rihanna feat Mikky Ekko

This last month has been so weird for me. Not that that isn’t out of the ordinary for weird shit to happen but… About a month ago I met this guy through work. We hit it off as soon as we started talking. Had some really great conversations and we vibed really well. Soon after we started talking he was calling himself my “new boyfriend” to which I just ignored.

Then I’d gone out with a long time friend who had gotten drunk and told me that he loved me and that we should be together. I wrote that off as him being too drunk to know what he was saying and I chose to ignore that as well. We were suppose to hang out several other times since then but I’d canceled because I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. He’s a friend, a long time friend and I didn’t want that ruined.

This past weekend we finally got to hang out and it was fun but I started out the evening telling him that I was seeing someone so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. I am obviously not seeing anyone but as the evening went on I told him he had to speak to at least one other woman there which he did.

As he’s speaking with someone else I saw some musician friends there that I knew and started speaking with them. There was a new guy that was a few years older than I was but apparently we’d gone to the same high school and ended up speaking the rest of the evening. It was a good conversation and I was enjoying myself and so was the friend that I came there with. This new guy was really attentive and showing a lot of affection and saying all the right things. He seems like a really good guy.

As expected I woke up the next day to a DM from him, again, saying all the right things. He’s asking me questions about myself, wants to go out and is being very respectful and nice. I entertained all of this for a couple days and then something in me just stopped it all.

See, there’s something in me that’s broken, I think. Here are two good looking men in the matter of a couple weeks that like me, a lot. They’re giving me exactly what I need as far as attention and affection and time. These are the things I’ve been looking for and BAM they’re there. But something in me just can’t make it work. Something in me is saying that it’s all that I want but not from them. There’s truly only one man that I want all that with and I know in my head we’ll never get there. It’s as if they can’t make me feel like I do when I’m around him then I don’t even want to try. How fucked up is that?

It’s not even that I’m holding out hope that he and I will ever see or speak again. I’ve also been “moving on” since the day we stopped speaking because I knew it would happen but it doesn’t change the fact that THAT is the way I need someone to make me feel again. I realize that it wasn’t him nor was it me. The feelings I have to this day are ones that I felt when WE were together. I could just sit there and listen to him speak for hours while I try with other men and I just end up screaming in my head “SHUT UP!”.

I tend to get closer to men these days that I know won’t ever end up as anything to “get off the hook” when I ghost them. Which is something that I’ve never done before. I hate that I have done that to them and I hate that I can’t just tell them the truth. All because I know that the truth doesn’t help anyone. See, I told you I was broken.

I’ve never been someone that NEEDS to be with someone and where I am with life right now I do still want a relationship with someone that I can be myself and be silly and do stupid shit together but that I feel comfortable with and that feels the same way with me. This is not one of those “be sad for me” posts. It’s more a post about me feeling this way and not having someone that I feel comfortable telling except for you all.

I tell you all that I ask for signs and answers from the universe all the time. I asked for one the other day and I heard this things that resinated with me so much. It was a question, “Who drains the water when you feel like you’re drowning?” I didn’t even have to think about it. He did. When I see him or hear from him HE DOES, without even trying. We go, what feels like an eternity, not speaking and when we do even if it’s three sentences and everything feels ok for just that moment in time.

I get that everyone goes through heartbreak and loss. Everyone does. But eventually people move on and find someone that makes them feel the same or better and what you’ve gone through doesn’t matter anymore but this is different. I don’t know why. It just is. If I could snap my fingers and make it all go away I would. I tell myself all the time, “It meant nothing to him. Move on. You’ve got many options”. I try to talk myself into a new guy and telling myself that it was all just a fever dream or something. I meditate and write and ask the universe for something else with the same feelings or emotions and all to no avail.

I don’t know what to do anymore except just give in to whatever this is supposed to teach me. Give in to the idea that no one else will ever be “good enough” or the same. Then I just throw more of myself into work and sleep with a cold side of the bed. Maybe I did just make it all up. Maybe I am delusional and a little crazy. Maybe I’m just stupid. But, at the end of the day, all I want to say is… Stay. xxx

Song of the day: Hey Hey, My My By: Battleme

In my opinion this is one of the best cover songs from one of the best TV shows ever made. No, I was not a Jax fan. I was an Opie fan and I sobbed when… well if you watched the show then you know.

This weekend was strange and I still feel strange today. I did a lot and saw a lot of people. One was a guy I’d been talking to a lot and we actually got to see each other for a while. It was so boring. He was boring. I know that sounds mean but if you can’t keep me entertained for a few moments then there’s pretty much no hope.

It felt like he’d read some article about things to ask a girl you like and these questions were absolutely horrible. I mean, who cares what’s my favorite color. Do you really want to know? It is so hard to date in this world. It’s not always the man’s fault. I really try to not waste anyone’s time though.

I know that it’s so hard to find someone that I don’t have uncomfortable silences with, that I’m attracted to and that keeps me entertained. Once they pass all of that, which is very rare, I tend to still detach from them as much as possible. It’s an endless cycle. This is why it seems peaceful when I stop actively dating. Maybe I’ll do that again. I really hate dating. I just want to find a guy I vibe with and say, “Hey lets move in together. You cool with that? Awesome”. Screw all the rest of it. I’m not even sure why I try any more.

On another note, you know when you’re looking to buy something and then you start to see it everywhere? So as I’ve said so many times I’m looking for buy a home. I have all these alerts set and every time I pass a home I think is cute and up for sale I do all my research about it. Buying a home is so tough when you have no real decisive idea what you’re looking for.

All of that above is in part why I feel weird but also the weather. I love this weather so much. It’s the kind that feels so good sitting outside drinking a warm cup of coffee wrapped in a blanket in the morning, except that I don’t feel safe outside my home at any time because of what happened a couple weeks ago. That’s unfortunate but I’ll find a place where I do and I’ll enjoy this weather soon. It’s boots and scary movies and soup time. 🙂

That is all for now. xxx

Song of the day: Heaven By: Majical Cloudz

I had this really amazing experience yesterday. I met this guy, out of the blue, that I had the most amazing conversation with. It’s so rare these days to meet people that actually have thought provoking questions and don’t just use “filler” for conversation. I think I’ve been craving intellectual conversation.

We sat for a while and chatted and at one point he asked me this question, “If you and the last person you are/were in love with were actually protagonists in a movie how would you feel about watching it? How would you feel about them.” I made a face. He said, “I guess I know the answer because of the face you made.” I said, “No, that face was about how introspective that question was. I need time to think of the actual answer.” I was absolutely impressed by his question.

Now, 24 hours later, I’m thinking about the conversation but more importantly, the question. For some reason I felt like I had to look at it like I had died and was looking at myself from above. I was watching our interactions and here’s the interesting part of it all… I didn’t hate it. You all know I’m not really one for chick-flicks BUT I pictured this whole lifetime in a movie.

Both of our pasts were these trauma filled dramas, but then the movie flies by through all our teens and twenty-somethings with humor and mistakes and mild love with a few heartbreaks in between but when it gets really spicy is the night we meet. From that point on for four years up till now it becomes hectic and sad and funny and hurtful and cinematic.

After I was thinking about it I started spiraling down… My mind went to “How would he describe it? Will I ever get another chance to ask him? Is this where the movies ends? Am I even a protagonist in his movie? Did I even make it off the cutting room floor?

So, I liked the question as long as you don’t think too hard about it. If you don’t have your happy ending it might make you spiral. At that point I decided to do two things. One was to write about it here, in anonymity and two was to ask a higher power, my guides and my angels for a sign.

What sign am I looking for? That this is just our intermission, I guess. I want us to have a happy ending. This is really the only “relationship” where I can see further out from it than today. That I actually want a future, whatever that looks like. But in the same breath I also need the sign to prove that this is the end of the movie too, if it is. I need that sign because moving on sucks. I’ve literally been trying to move on for the entirety of the four years we’ve known each other. But if this is the finale it’s imperative that I know that now. That I try to make one of these background relationships actually work. I need to know that the chemistry that we had was just that and it finally fizzled out of existence.

People say that time is just a silly construct. People talk about the right time. Truth is though, this “time” is now and that’s all that matters. I’ve placed myself on the bench for so long out of the idea that I didn’t want to cheat on this man that I felt was a piece of me somehow. No one else placed me here. I could have been playing this entire time. Actually I tried playing but it just hasn’t worked out, with him or with anyone. I find it exhausting to attempt to find a connection somewhere else. I like “our” connection because that’s the part that wasn’t work.

Then, last night I had another dream with him in it. He was talking about how we’re friends and for the first time I said what I actually felt about that. I said, “Yes, I am YOUR friend. If you were to call me at 4 in the morning and needed help I’d be there. If you needed a shoulder, a ride or money, I’d be there. The reverse is not and has never been true. Deep in my gut I know that’s not what I deserve. I deserve the best.

I deserve a guy who opens doors and asks me how my day was, waiting for the actual answer. I deserve someone who thinks about me more than a fleeting moment. I deserve a guy who follows through with things he’s said and promised. I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me question my sanity past midnight on a Saturday after a nice dinner with friends. Someone who doesn’t play games and is honest and truthful and doesn’t leave the most heart felt texts I’ve ever sent blank with a reply.

I know all this and I’m smarter than this. If I actually told my friends my version of the events they’d all think I was an idiot and honestly, they’d all be right. Yet another reason why I probably don’t tell them anything.

That was another thing the guy I met yesterday asked me. He asked me when the last time I truly confided in someone. I don’t actually remember. I know I talk to one of my girl friends about love and relationships but he doesn’t come up. How do I explain that I’m hopelessly in love with a guy that treats me like a Christmas present he got years ago and when he’s bored or lonely, he plays with me. You know why I don’t have conversations about him… I’ve already said, because it would make me feel like a total fucking idiot.

I know my worth. I have spent the majority of my life never settling for mediocre. I’ve never wasted the time of a man that was in love with me knowing that I wasn’t in love with him. I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone and those that I have accidentally, I’ve atoned for. I’ve spent years healing things in me that caused trauma that weren’t even broken by me. I’m an amazing friend, girlfriend and person…

Why am I taking inventory? Because every once in a while I need to be reminded of all of this myself. I’ve had a lot of “off days” lately where I wasn’t sure about anything and especially my place in this life. I’ve been feeling like a supporting character and not the main character in MY OWN LIFE for a while now. I keep saying, “It’s time to be selfish for a while” and that lasts for a day or two and then I’m back to putting everyone else first instead of me. But I don’t actually know or remember what it’s like to let someone one take care of me or for someone else to put me first.

I’m at a very strange place in life right now. It feels like purgatory and I’ve been spun around so many times I don’t remember which way is out. I am working on myself, every single day but one of those things that I forget that makes me feel better is this. Venting to you all here.

It’s so strange right now in my home. It’s quiet. There’s no music or TV on. I can hear the faint hum of a bug zapper and the clacking of my nails on this keyboard but it’s calming quiet. I can feel the energy and the power of the full moon. It’s past 1 am and I’m not sleepy yet but I know that I’ll be up before 8 in the morning which still had no bearing on me sleeping right now. Hopefully once I do hit the pillow I’ll fall fast because I’ve gotten all this off my chest, out of my heart and head. Thanks for reading… xxx

Song of the day: Days Go By (Acoustic) By: Dirty Vegas

It’s another amazing thunderous day. The rain falling outside and there’s a new man of interest. Well, he’s an old guy that’s resurfaced. He’s entertaining me for the moment and we’re enjoying our time together. There’s no crazy spark or insane chemistry but he’s really smart. We have conversations of actual substance which is nice. He’s also very honest and, like me, doesn’t play games at all.

I remember the last time we were spending time together it was what we both needed at that time. We separated, went our own ways with other people and have now found ourselves in that same place where we’re both single and in need of human contact… So that’s what we are.

We’d actually started talking about moving in to a 2 bedroom somewhere so I could save a bit more for my house and he could save up till he moves again out of state. I’d decided a while ago though that I didn’t really want to have a “roommate” unless we were dating. This guy and I are not dating, we’re just wasting time. However, you never know where the road leads you. Maybe I’ll change my mind in three weeks and move across the city.

I’ve always liked the idea of living with a FWB’s. Having separate spaces though but when the doors closed we each other’s person. Maybe I think that way because it’s less scary that putting it all into a relationship that might fail. I don’t know. Maybe I like the idea of being with this guy because it’s easy and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out.

Years of wanting to be in a stable relationship but settling for FWB’s because it’s easy and I can “get out” whenever I feel trapped… That’s been my life for such a long time. I’ll be amazed if I ever meet a guy that understands my flaws and faults and still deals with my shit. You know, the wanting to run from any emotion shit.

I was talking with one of my best friends last night. She and I can literally get on the phone and talk for four hours at a time. But a lot lately has been about relationships and the past. She’s always asking what I want in a relationship and I can never truly articulate it. I’ve always told her that I’ll know when I find it. In the meantime I’ll just keep getting into relationships that don’t truly serve a purpose, I guess. I can’t remember the last time when I’ve had a mutual attraction, mutual respect and mutual connection with a man. Frankly, it’s been way too long.

I guess I’m in a weird mood today. After our conversation last night it had me in my head today. Mostly, I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing. Usually this just means I need to get lost in a man for a while, smoke a little and just try not to think about stuff. That’s usually when the magic happens, when you’re not even thinking about that stressful stuff any longer.

I’m at that point where I will ask for a sign from the universe again and see what pops up… I’ll do that tonight since it’s the first. Let’s see what the universe drops in my lap. xxx

Song of the day: This Is It By: Lo Moon

Do songs give you visceral thoughts. Like you can see yourself doing something to or with that song? I see myself dancing with someone in a long, thin, white dress with my hair spinning around me. Is that weird? I mean, every song is different but that’s what this song makes me think of.

Again, I had another night of truth telling in my mind while sleeping. It’s like taking mushrooms before I sleep and waiting for these strange vivid bits of fantasy or future to enter my dreams. I swear I’m not but that’s what it feels like. I don’t actually mind except that when my dreams are better than my reality it makes me want to sleep more which is never any good.

Those are my words for right now… Maybe more later. xxx

Song of the day: I Come With Knives By: IAMX

I had such the weirdest dream last night. It was one of those that I woke in the middle of it, thought about it and went back to sleep and continued it. What I have learned from this dream is that I have some unresolved shit in my subconscious.

This dream starred several men that are currently staring in my life. One of these men I am going out with on Saturday. We’ll see how that goes. But before then, I have a hair appointment, nail appointment and just plan on doing some self care before the weekend. Those things have nothing to do with the guy but all for me. I’m just not feeling pretty or sexy lately. That’s what happens when you walk around all day with no pants and your messy hair in a bun with glasses and no makeup.

I will say this… sometimes my subconscious is a bitch. Just when I stop thinking about someone from my past so much, all of a sudden I’m dreaming about him. It does this as to say, “Don’t you forget”. It’s rather annoying but also comforting, in a weird way.

I have tried to forget about this man for years, or at least to stop thinking about him. However, life has a funny way of popping him back up. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the complexities of relationships or their reasoning in your life when you think you’ve “learned the lesson” and attempted to move on but BAM, there they are in some way, shape or form.

He reached out about a month ago for a few text conversation and I’m not really sure why. Since I don’t check social media I have no way of knowing what’s going on with him unless he tells me so… Here’s the thing, I wish I could get to a point where the idea of him doesn’t send me comforting butterflies. I want to get to the point where there is no emotion what-so-ever with him and we can just be friends but after all that we’ve been through and the fact that hasn’t happened yet? But also, whenever I try to be with someone else it just never feels the same. Trust me when I say that I’ve tried.

I could be all wrong about us and it could all just be a twisted little game that the universe plays but I still believe there’s a greater purpose for it all. Regardless I am happy today for no reason other than it’s half way through the week and my week and weekend are booked. I’m sitting hearing a storm outside with my music blasting and wearing no pants… So I am happy.

My hair has gotten so long and I am almost back to being a brunette that I need to see my stylist as soon as possible. My nails are seriously long and in need of some dark color soon. My feet are in need of pampering as well. Thank the universe for self care.

Song of the day: Flood By: Jars of Clay

Today marks the five year anniversary of the flood that caused me to lose my home, belongings and changed my life for the better.

I’ve said many times that what I went through, while being insane, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t really miss any of it but it put in action a line of events that has put me where I am today. Where I am today is a much better place that I was five years ago.

It also caused me to meet several people that I’m not sure I would have if things didn’t go down the way they did. I have been extremely blessed in the last five years and have changed the person I was. I wasn’t a bad person before but I was in a rut, depressed and there was so much toxicity around me that I felt like I was in quick sand. That storm literally changed my life. I’m in a much better place spiritually, physically and mentally than ever before.

That was something that figuratively and literally washed away so much bad shit in my life. It also made me see people around me for who they were, not who I wanted them to be. In short, one of the best things that could have happened to me. It was a blessing in a tragedy.

I do have to be reminded of that sometimes, especially when I’m feeling down on my life. I can change for the better and I can get rid of the things, or people in my life that don’t serve me. It’s a great feeling that makes me feel more in control.

There’s something that I heard years ago and have never forgotten it. When the universe, or God or higher power, wants to tell you something, it first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention it will throw a pebble at you… If you still aren’t listening it will throw a fucking brick at your head. That storm was the brick being thrown at my head and I finally got it. xxx

Song of the day: Garden By: Dua Lipa

I’m feeling this song today. It’s been a strange few weeks. Seriously weird things have been happening to me. Also, the other night I had the worst nightmare which I can actually not remember the last time I had a nightmare. I’m not sure what’s in the air or universe lately but I’m not enjoying this energy that’s been going on.