When I was a kid all I drank was Dr. Pepper. I kicked the habit. A few years later I drank black coffee all the time. I kicked the habit. Years after that I got into drugs and because of my best friend I quit cold turkey. Years after that I quit eating red meat for years, I went Keto and quit eating carbs/sugar and lastly I have quit smoking nicotine after being a smoker for years. But the one thing that I can’t seem to fucking quit is one fucking man.
There’s a quote that gets me through some hard moments in life and I find myself repeating it a lot. “You can’t fuck up fate”. I would absolutely give credit to whomever I heard that from but I don’t remember. I just remember that repeating that phrase helps when I feel like life in uncontrollable. When I replay moments in my head like, “Oh what if I’d have said this or that to him?” “What if I’d done this?”… I just say, “I CAN’T FUCK UP FATE!” Sometimes I say that very loudly in the car, on a long drive.
What do paragraph 1 and 2 have to do with each other? Well, here ya go. I’m having fun lately. I mean I’m working a LOT but I’m having a lot of fun and get your heads out of the gutter. I’m not having sex with any of these men that I’m about to mention. I have guy #1 that’s so interested. I mean really interested and we have a lot in common. Then there’s guy #2 who is fun and talented and we have fun together. Then there’s guy #3 who is a bit further away but hot, smart, just the right amount of damaged but WE get along fantastically. Finally there’s guy #4 who’s an old friend who I adore. He and I have known each other longer than we haven’t and I force him to escape his home once a month so he doesn’t become a hermit. We get along great but I gauge our evenings on the fact that once he starts telling me that he’s in love with me and we should be together as the moment he’s had too much to drink and it’s time to go.
So that’s four men right now that are right there. Right in front of me. They are sweet and respectful and hold doors for me and tell me their true feelings and we have some of the best conversations. But nope… It’s the fifth guy that ruins everything and it’s not even his fault.
I am not delusional in any way as to what the fifth guy is. He’s the guy that has used me and treated me like shit for six years. Basically calling on me when he needs me and that’s all. Telling me he’s being a “hoe” to either make me jealous, be an asshole or whatever the reason is to ensure I feel like crap I’m sure. He’s the guy I can’t seem to get out of my head. No matter who else is around me. It was always the moments when we were together, just us, that I cherish and that pop back up into my head.
But because our relationship even being just friends is disastrous I would often think about these nights that we were together and I think to myself, “I should have done this or said this” and maybe that would have made him like me… But then I realize two things: First, I’m not a “pick me” girl and second, “I can’t fuck up fate”. We’re not supposed to be together because he’s not good for me. Mostly because I know how much I think and care about him and knowing that none of that is reciprocated helps and hurts at the same time.
The problem when there’s two relationship awkward idiots in the same room is that things aren’t done or said correctly. Also, there’s a moment you are each interrupting the situation differently. Let me explain. One night he was playing a show and I brought my friend that was described as guy #4 above to the show because I don’t go to shows alone and guy #5 thought we were “hooking up” because of my messy hair. The problem here is that when guy #5 and I were “FWB” I never hooked up with anyone else. I also certainly would never have taken a guy that I was hooking up with to this guys shows because that would have been disrespectful even if guy #5 couldn’t have cared less about it.
But that’s one instance. Through the six years we’ve known each other there’s been all these other “I wish I would have done/said” moments with him. I don’t feel like that with anyone else. Every other guy runs his course and I don’t think twice about those relationships so what is it about this one?
I often remember this one particular moment between us that he and I never spoke about and I wonder if I made it all up. It had been a year maybe more since we’d seen each other. He and his wife had just split for the 30th time and he’d moved out. I had driven to the beach with a friend to go see him and his new band. It was freezing outside and he and I went outside by his truck in between sets. It had rained and I almost fell. He reached out his hand and grabbed mine and we both looked at each other while walking back inside and it felt like electricity was running between us. I think about that a lot. I think about the time when he was at a show and asked me to roll his sleeves up, like a girlfriend, or when he would give me his credit card to order his food for him at a show, or when he trusted me with secrets. These are things that I think about a lot. Then I mentally slap myself in the head and tell myself, “I didn’t fuck up fate. He just never loved me”. Tell you what, it’s a hard pill to swallow but I’d rather hear the truth than the lie and especially the lie of an “I love you” when it’s not meant.
I’ve always been a friend to him whether we speak or not. This is all coming up today because I referred him to a club/bar for a show the other day after we’ve not spoken for a very long time. Most people would say I’m an idiot. Most people would be correct. I don’t know why I did. That’s not true. I did it because the first person I thought of after reading the post was him. That’s why I did it. But then I chose not to continue a conversation with him because I could see it was just hurtful for me and I may be somewhat of a masochist but not as much of one as I used to be because I’m too old for games plus I’ve never played one with him. I’ve never lied to him and I’ve never hurt him. I’ve never told his secrets or broken his trust. It’s also never mattered how much or how little I’ve done.
I do wonder what he truly thinks sometimes. Through all the bullshit and after this long. Or if I’m thought of at all. I think the strangest part is the four men… Those four men have been kinder to me in one evening that the fifth guy has ever been to me but it’s not any of those four men that I have dreams about. It’s no other man that I have to “cord cut” to try to stop thinking about.
I was notified by WordPress the other day that I’ve been on here for 15 years. In those 15 years I’ve written about a lot. Different people, places, songs, men, but not one thing has kept my attention after this long with no reciprocation. For someone as smart as I am this makes me feel pretty fucking stupid but, “You can’t fuck up fate”. It’s also funny that personally, right now, I’m going through a lot of shit. Shit that I choose not to write about and maybe that’s what he is. Maybe he’s the thought that keeps out the other, more awful thoughts. I don’t even know anymore. xxx
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