Things I know today…

Here are the things that I know today:

I know that I can’t wait for it to get cold and I’ve still never had a fire in my fireplace… Maybe this year.

I know that this is a new month and I’m starting over… Again.

I know that this holiday season will be different because I will make it different as in better.

I know that I miss a home cooked meal, as I stare at the pizza box that was ordered for tonight.

I know that in over a decade of living in this place I’ve never had any issues with insects and now I have damn ants… Does anyone know how the hell to get rid of these suckers? The maintenance guy says they’re coming from upstairs.

I know that I’m not missing the guy I’m supposed to be missing right now but I’ll never tell him that.

I know that my horoscope for November is enticing me to believe in things that are not so possible right now.

I know that it’s been way too long since I’ve looked forward to something great.

I know that my parents, who just got iPhones for the first time ever are driving me crazy. They think the call button is the send message button… I’m not kidding.

I know that it’s been way too long since I’ve found something that holds my attention longer than about five minutes.

I know that after the week I’ve already had I deserve a home cooked meal, a hot bath and a foot rub but I’d settle for just a glass of wine right now.

I know that when I came outside today and it was raining I was smiling because apparently, I’m only happy when it rains.

I know that tomorrow night is my night in this week and I don’t plan on doing a thing except taking that long hot bath and maybe the glass of wine.

I know that I have spent way too many nights in my routine and my comfort zone and I’m ready to escape if only for a moment.

I know that some questions will never be answered and some problems will never be solved. As much as that saddens me, it’s just time to realize that.

I realize that every single day that goes by I want a new puppy more and more and I’m so inclined to just go get one but I know that I need help with it and it will make me miss my old dog. His name was Cosmo, after the drink and he hated clothes except his soccer hoodie which he’s actually bring to me.

I realize that working with only men has made me pretty immune to the disgusting things they do. I don’t feel it’s ever appropriate to do any business with the door open unless you’re married and even then it’s a slippery slope.

I know that I ordered workout equipment to be sent to work today so that the next time I want to throat punch a co-worker I’ll have another outlet instead.

I know that it’s been a couple weeks full of fun, friends and good times but I can’t stop thinking about the one really broken thing in my life and wondering why it’s not so easy to just throw it away.

I know that another promise was broken but it matters less to me than the actually ship that’s broken. But I also know that that is a huge part of why it is.

I know that I have a dry erase picture frame that I like to write things that make me feel something and I’ve not been able to come up with anything for it lately.

I know that I need to take a road trip somewhere soon. I’m feeling antsy.

I know that my dreams could not be any stranger than they are right now. Not nightmares but they are trying to tell me really weird things.

I know that I need different people in my life. I need ones that hold me up not down. I need ones that praise me and not ruin me. I need kindness. I need ones that aren’t afraid. I need different.

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My randomness and truth for this evening…

“How lost and a lonely a man that says or does such harsh things to someone he’s claimed to love and care for. Even in jest it’s still hate and shows his true colors. He not be a man but a boy who will never appreciate a kind soul. Don’t let him burn your flame, your kindness or your soul.” – Anonymous

I read that today and believe every single word of it.

That was right after I read my horoscope this morning which was, “You seem to be on the verge of giving something up, something that has been a central part of your life for years, but if you are smart you will leave it a while before making a final decision. Ultimately, you may not have to let it go.”

Mixed messages seem appropriate in my life and you all know how I like my “signs”. Except I’m not so sure this time. For some reason, this time I’m more hurt than ever before because of his ugly words that he doesn’t even realize were hurtful. He’d have said, “eff you” if I’d said that or anything close. Words are like daggers and if you choose to use them on people who would literally do anything for you then you are don’t deserve them at all.

Another “sign” that came yesterday was that I got a gift card for skydiving which is funny because we were going to do that for his birthday last year. His birthdays coming up and I still considered doing it with him which is the thinking that I need to quit. He’s not going to be my first choice for all things any longer. It’s done. It’s all done. He can’t not wash his own cup but I’m going to give every last blessing that comes my way to him. That’s crap. DONE WITH THAT THINKING!

I hate that it’s still a topic for thought but I’m really just so damn hurt and since it’s never going to get better I don’t see this going away any time soon. And also realize that none of his “friends” words are doing anything different for me. I hate that they said those things and I’ve spent almost three years trying to disprove every single one of the hateful things that I ever heard because I believed he was good and kind and there was a purpose for our relationship. What I think now is that it’s just painful for me.

I’m trying so damn hard to not let this bleed over on the new guy. When we spoke today I’d asked him what he thought about us having an “open” relationship. I’m not sure that I’d normally suggest this with someone that I’ve found such a connection with but I don’t want get fully invested in something that’s so new. It allows him the freedom to do what he needs to do and it allows me to go slow enough so that emotions don’t get in the way of anything. I’m tired of working off emotions. I’m just tired of emotions. I’m not really sure what he’ll decide but I’m not dwelling on things this time around. I’m enjoying the conversation, the connection and the flirtation.

The new guy was telling me today about going to lunch with this guy that, in the 1% circle, they call the career guru. I’d heard about him before from dating stock broker boys but the new guy is actually a friend of his. He’s this guy that can get anyone any job that they want with just a few phone calls. The new guy said he’d put in a good word if I wanted him to and my first thought was that I just want to get out of this place, this town, this hazy shade of winter but if I told the new guy that it might make him less likely to want to get me a dream job somewhere.

To a lot of people, their dream job is based of money. Mine is not. I know I’ve mentioned this before a lot. I’ve always wanted to run a non-profit company. I’ve never really been able to pin point exactly what type of non-profit though. My first thought goes to helping the victims of sexual assault and abuse. That’s probably the most important thing. I’ve had the opportunity to do it but I don’t know what to do or where to start. Not where to start with starting a business. That parts easy. In fact I’ve done that a dozen times for others but this is so important to me that it’s just not easy to have a starting point.

Random thought alert. Have you ever wished that there was a way to wash your soul and your heart to clean them up? I feel like I need that. I need to be washed of all sin, sadness and anger before stepping into anything new. Truth is, I’ve realized that I’ve never actually been broken. Oh, I’ve been damaged but I can always find a way to put myself back together again. I may feel broken or have felt that way but I’ve seen what truly broken people look like and that’s not me. I guess, sometimes it takes the worst in others to see the best in yourself.

Well, my mind has been all over the place tonight just trying to get to a place where I’m not thinking of things that really shouldn’t matter anymore. This is where I trust in faith and God because there’s nothing left to believe in right now. For some reason, right now, all I want to do is go on a hike without any destination. That was to end my random posts tonight.

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True Confessions… Time for some telling tales.

Strange things go through your mind while about to have a knife cut into you for surgical purpose, or for any purpose I suppose. For some reason from then through today my mind has been invaded by these weird confessional thoughts or maybe just some realizations about my past or present. So, it’s now time to share those wondering thoughts with all of your because, well, you all already know I’m a bit crazy.

It’s now time to pull up a chair, pour a glass of wine, turn the lights down low and…. fuck it. These will get weird. Probably.

When I was 7 my brother and I found exlax and just like kids we assumed that it was chocolate. My mother has never purchased any since that day, nor have I and I can’t blame her for that.

When I was 9 I thought that Vaseline was hair gel and before anyone else makes that mistake let me just say that it takes days of hair washing to get that shit out.

When I was 10 my brother had a friend stay over and we got along really well. I didn’t want him to leave so I thought that if I hid his shoe he’d never leave. (Kids brains are dumb at times) When he couldn’t find it his father was so angry at him. It was years later when I found out that his father was an abusive asshole and that he probably got hit for that at 12 years old. That’s the story I’ve never forgiven myself for.

My father was an alcoholic monster and my boyfriends hated him. One night, my ex peed in his gas tank. I never found out if anything happened to my dads car or not.

I’m never not in the mood 😉 There’s been times when I’m too sick to eat that I’ll still “take care of myself”… My boyfriends have never minded.

One of my biggest fantasies is having sex in the elevator of a hotel that I’m not staying at. A nice ritzy hotel.

When my BFF lived with me I was bulimic. She decided to treat me to a really fancy dinner one night but as soon as we pulled into my driveway afterward I puked everything up. That’s the day she made me get help. I still purge occasionally. No one knows that.

I racked up a large credit card bill once and took an old engagement ring to sell it thinking it was worth a few hundred dollars. It was actually worth $10,000.00. I got $8,000.00 for it and paid a lot of bills off.

My parents never cared where I was when I was younger. I would stay at friends houses when I was 14/15ish for days, weeks and they never looked for me. When my BFF moved in when she and I were both 18 they started making us “check in” at 11 every night. I was always was too fucked up so I made her do it every single night.

My “Shaman friend” has literally been right about everything so far and if that’s the case then what comes next in my life will be pretty magical, for me and for whoever gets to spend that time with me.

I still think about running away every single day. I just don’t talk about it as much these days.

When I’m really really bored I put out an ad on craigslist for men to send me their fantasies. Within hours I’ll usually get a hundred or so and most of them are so bad or boring that I wonder why I even did it.

I stopped doing my #jarchallenge because when I’d go back and read all of the post-it’s they were all about THE friend and I need to stop with all that.

Having the job I have I’m around money all the time. Lots of money but I’ve never had the desire to steal it. Even when someone drops a penny I give it back to them because I’m afraid that karma will come back ten fold.

Sometimes I think God didn’t give me the perfect body because he knew I’d be a high class escort or because he knew unless I worked my ass off for it, I’d never appreciate it. Probably the second.

Speaking of THE friend…

This whole “minor surgery thing” was not something I really told anyone about. When THE friend found out he said it bothered him that I didn’t tell him things like that. That felt good that it did but I didn’t tell him because I just assumed he’d not care. Funny how that works. And actually I wish that he’d actually articulated why it bothered him that I didn’t tell him that.

Normally, when no one is home except me, I keep the temperature around 75 but when THE friend is here I turn it down to 72 for two reasons. First, it allows me to bundle myself and my insecurities in a soft blanket that I believe to be my invisibility cloak. Second, I secretly hope that it makes him want to cuddle at some point. The latter never happens anymore.

The friend does some of the weirdest, grossest things sometimes and I wonder if he realizes that it might take a very long time for another woman to not be turned OFF by those things. Either that or I’m just terribly used to all of it by now. Yes, folks, the magic is gone… It’s left the building. There’s no trying to impress, there’s no holding back, there’s pretty much nothing left to look forward to at this point… And this is why I am moving on. Because it’s totally unfair to be that enamored by another human who feels nothing for you. Sad face.

THE friend has left his Facebook signed in on more than one occasion on my computer. When I realize that I immediately log off and delete all signs of it for two reasons. First, I very much value someone’s privacy and two because I’m terrified to find out all the other women he spends his time with that get so much more than me who’ve given him less than half of anything that I have given to him.

I probably spend 100-200 a month extra on groceries that I would never have in my house but it’s for THE friend because sometimes I think he only comes by to eat and watch TV.

There are way more weird things and secrets up in my head floating around but that’s all I can think of enough to straighten them out for human consumption. I’ve put these out so that maybe that’ll make some room in my head for other things.

Hope you’re all having a great week. P.S. I miss eating solid food.

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SSB or Secret Single Behavior…

I’ve talked about this before but there’s things that people do when no one is around, when no one is looking. Some eat the ice cream by the pint right out of the box, some stair at their pores for hours (Sex and The City reference) but what I do I’ve actually told you all about before.

A perfect night of SSB would be no pants, hair in a headband and watching weird stuff on TV. During the summer my TV addiction is Big Brother. I never actually cared about this show but my ex that I work with wouldn’t shut up about it. So now, we watch separately then discuss what happened the next day. If I’m not watching that I’m watching some weird TV shows or movies that I wouldn’t actually admit to anyone like The Girlfriend experience or some other naughty smut 🙂

Tonight, after a bit of shopping, I found myself lounging pantless, watching Big Brother and realizing that sometimes, a few nights a week I actually like the solitude. I like the peace and quiet and I like having control over everything. Of course I could totally feel differently tomorrow but right now I’m enjoying where I am, doing what I’m doing.

One thing I bought today was this dry erase board that I hung in my bedroom to remind me to do things. Add this to the fifty other dry erase boards that have come here to die but this one is different. It’s going to remind me of things that help or will help in the future and double as a vision board. Who knows if I’ll actually keep up on it but worst case scenario then I’ll just write cute little notes to myself or something on it.

You see, I have all these creative ideas then they end up falling flat because I either (A.D.D.) lose interest in them, something shiny passes by or I just don’t “feel it” by the time I think about it. That’s probably the worst part of having a bunch of acronymed ‘things’.

Now, of course, all these things are really just meant to take my mind off work, or relationships or other shit. They all work for a little while but then something will remind me of something and I’ll end up thinking about what I shouldn’t be.

This is probably the reason that I don’t like guys to leave stuff at my place. I don’t like to be reminded of a feelings or a moment. For instance, I keep looking at the flowers that THE friend gave me, then my mind starts to think about things that I shouldn’t be thinking about so I have to mentally slap myself back into reality. Or I’ll hear or read something on the news that either made me sad or depressed me then I have to watch something that will at least take my mind off things for that moment.

None of this is a fool proof plan but it’s what I have to do. Writing about things here help get them out of my head for the moment but then when I go back and read stuff I just keep thinking, “Damn, so maybe you don’t write about that or him so much. Maybe that will help.” So, that’s what I’ve been trying to do for my “July challenge” is to not dwell on things so much, to take all things at face-value and to just move on. I can’t tell you if it’s actually working or not but it’s my plan of attack right now. If anyone knows a better way please let me in on your secret!

So there’s a few moments left in my night before I sleep and I am actually going to follow my own advice and do what I’ve written for myself to do. This should help, at least until I fall asleep and start having weird dreams. Such is my life…

Style: "Neutral"

Style: “Neutral”

Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 5 and today’s thoughts.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining. – We’ll see how this goes after my thoughts.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour pretty late this evening but it feels great to accomplish it.
4. Eat healthy – Check. I even, finally, met up with some friends and still had a healthy dinner out.
5. My strict routine doesn’t really take effect on the weekends even though it should.

So today was a bit of a weird day. One of my nightly rituals is that I read my horoscope for the next day but I can only do this after midnight (a bit of my OCDness). Basically, it said that someone would be extra specially nice to me today for no other reason than just because even though it would seem that they would be about to ask a favor. Even though I don’t take full advice from these horoscopes it still made me be on guard all day. With every single nice thing done I kept wondering, “Is this it?” So by the end of the day I realize just how many people do really nice shit for me all the time and never expect anything. They literally do it because they want to and that’s it. Strange how you realize things like that.

By the end of the day I’d gotten my lunch and dinner paid for. I’d received a very nice piece of jewelry from a friend and I received some cash out of no where. None of this was expected and yet appreciate ten fold. If there’s one lesson that I learned from today, expect nothing and when you do get something it’s a nice surprise.

On the boss front though, after he’d texted some drunk texts to me last night about how upset he was, I’d decided to spin some thoughts into some words that formed an email to him. Since I know both him and his girlfriend enough, I wrote the email from his point of view because she had overly expressed her opinion enough to him. I’d basically said all the things that I though he SHOULD tell her, but in a form that wasn’t as bitter or angry as he was at that very moment. I texted him to check his email assuming that he paraphrase or at the bare minimum use it for some inspiration.

When he came into work today, I’d asked him about the email that I’d sent him and he laughed. He then admitted that he just out right plagiarized my entire thought process by copying and pasting into his own email and sending it to her. I laughed because if she does know him as well as she should she’d know most of those words or explanations of emotions didn’t come from his own fingers plucking at the keyboard but rather his highly intelligent and beautiful wordsmith of an employee.

There was a small bit of me that assumed he might do that last night and either way I’m fine with it because it’s brought them to a better place. For me, this seems to be the adage about “those that can’t do teach”. Well, in this scenario, “Those who don’t date, teach”. I’m happy either way if they work things out.

Another thing that I noticed today is that once I started saying, “No” to a lot of things because my plate is too full right now I started feeling so much better. I can’t be all things to everyone and I can’t do everything for everyone that asks therefore I realized today that it’s ok to say No. The best part here is that I don’t feel guilty about it either. I thought I would but I realized after stressing myself out so much yesterday that I made myself physically sick, there had to be a breaking point. Well, it turned into more of a break-through point.

After all the kindness I received today for no reason what-so-ever, after the break-through that it’s ok to say no to people and after realizing that I can’t control the world or at least I don’t have to, I am in a good mood tonight and will be able to have a nice weekend. I will be able to have a controlled, relaxed weekend which is even nicer.

There was a thought I’d had last night though that I hadn’t thought for a while. While I was an on-looker to my boss’s emotional meltdown yesterday I’d received a text from my ex who had randomly gone to New York for his job. He knows the love New York and sent me pictures all day of things all around. The last one I got was the beautiful skyline at night with a message, “Knowing that these pictures make you happy is the second best thing that I could do right before I sleep. The first would be lying next to you in this city. Good night, sleep fast and sweet dreams beautiful xx.” I give the man an A for trying so hard and it’s nice to have someone that does and says such nice things.

I was reading these and this random thought appeared to me. I was alone at the time but I wasn’t lonely. A few hours later, while I was laying in bed is when the thought came to me that that’s when I become lonely. When I’m laying in bed alone. It reminded me of this line in the HBO show Vinyl, which is awesome by the way, but Olivia Wilde’s character say’s “I’m so lonely it’s pathetic”. For some reason that line rang true to me when she said it so much it almost hurt but then I realized that I truly felt that way right before I sleep.

That’s a sad thought to me but I realize that I don’t have to feel that way. I could, realistically, jump on a plane and be in New York and not be alone or lonely lying next to someone who truly loves me and cares for me much more than I’ll ever reciprocate. But that’s the problem though. While he makes me feel loved and cared for, he doesn’t make me feel safe or comfortable. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone else that does. I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter but obviously it does. Somewhere along the way of this blog being about my dating life, it’s turned into something about a story about a boy and a girl that will never have a happy ending and she can’t seem to find someone to replace him with and he doesn’t care because everyone else and everything else is so much more important to him than she is. That’s a pretty sad reality.

Regardless of those final thoughts this was still a good day. I’m going to go watch some crappy TV and fall asleep on the couch because for some reason it feels a bit less lonely. Hope you all have a great weekend.
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Exhaustion and a loss of anger… (edited version)

Have you ever noticed that when you love someone or care a great deal that you argue with passion? Maybe not always with passion but you argue because it’s important to share feelings with that person. Well, it’s not a good sign that I’m no Longer willing to argue with THE friend.

I’m not sure why he does things that he knows piss me off. Maybe he wants me to get mad and eventually hate him. Maybe he’s just totally selfish and just doesn’t give a shit. Either way it’s all signs of immature disrespect in my opinion.

In the past, distant memories have kept me in his life but those memories fade and the crap that he dishes out to me is no longer smaller than those recollections. I’m just a truncated stop on the tour of his life anyway but the difference now is that I’m not sure I care.

I don’t have the energy left To keep doing something that’s just upsetting. Which is appropriate since he’s never had the energy to care. I’d assume that this would be a friendship that he’d mourn once it was gone but now I realize that it really doesn’t matter to him. He’ll just fill this position with some other girl and then another and another.

Memories usually save relationships but memories need to be brought about by something material. We have no pictures together. He’s never given me anything. He’s the one person in my life that’s never given me one thing that I can keep and treasure and be reminded of good times we’ve shared. Which are so few and far between now it doesn’t even matter.

I’d ask why I put up with this but I don’t need to much longer. This whole thing will be a distant memory. The saddest fact is that he doesn’t even understand anything past his own situation. Because he doesn’t try. I am happy with the knowledge that I would have helped him, prayed for him and given him anything. All he had to do was realize that I was actually more than a bus stop.

(edited)

For some reason, since I posted this and since I’m doing something mundane I’m thinking about this a lot. I don’t want to. I want to give this “friendship” the smallest amount of attention that he does but it’s just really bothering me. I have always asked so little of him, if anything at all. He can’t even do the smallest little things. I hope he understands that just because he does something “out of the ordinary” or something so small for appreciation it will not mean that I think he feels something that he doesn’t. I’d say that ship has sailed but that ship was never even in the dock.

I’m also, still, looking at this entire situation from both our eyes and all I can think of is that if someone treated him, the way he treats me, he would NEVER put up with this. That’s the bottom line. And while he spends all our “quality time” on social media flirting with the next woman in his life I’m worried about his well being or trying to help him in some way or sitting right next to him feeling like an invisible piece of shit.

While he makes me feel like that invisible piece of shit, I’m fully aware that that is not who I am. I’d pray that he realizes how important I am or how awesome I am one day but that seems like such a hard accomplishment. With all the good things that are going on in my life right now and this is the one thing that I choose to write about is upsetting.

I spent time with my ex on Friday and we had a great time. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other. He cooked my favorite meal. He was interested in all I had to say and asked my opinion on some important issues in life and he, once again, made the offer that I fear I’m just getting to weak to ignore.

There’s a man that’s willing to give me everything that I’ve ever wanted but all I can muster the strength to write about is the man that’s never given me a thing except a reason to cry. How sad is that? How effed up is that?

It appears that I’m in need of more meditation where I think of nothing. I keep praying for God to “fix” or “end” this relationship but it appears that this is a one way line of communication… because neither of those things are happening right now. I’d be just as happy if it could be fixed. It’s broken and I’m not even sure that THE friend cares enough to notice.