A month away and noticing all my flaws…

It’s been a month since I’ve posted something and kept it on here. I’ve posted and written a lot of stuff but, for some reason, decided I didn’t want to keep it on here. My mind has been all over the place lately. There’s been a lot of stuff going on but when I think I want to write about it I, later, change my mind.

What I haven’t been doing lately is taking care of myself. I have been finding it necessary to take care of everyone else first. This was not supposed to be the case. I believe a few posts back I said that I was going to have a very selfish month. Apparently I don’t do selfish very well.

When I see people around me in pain, upset, hurt or lonely all I want to do is comfort them at any expense necessary. That’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure I’ve spent one day in the last month that was entirely for me. What I need is to get my hair done, my nails done and a nice massage. I will probably NOT get any of that done soon though.

My boss’s son is in the hospital. He came home for a few days then went back in. My boss and I are barely speaking because of a fight we got into so that’s been weird. My dad is still in the hospital but making it home Friday, I think. My crazy friend is having health issues and lastly, I haven’t seen my distraction for almost 4 weeks now.

So my boss and his son had a terrible accident happen and for the first week we were all just patiently waiting the results. He’s a tough kid. I love that kid so much and he’s seriously one of the strongest people I know. Seeing him in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes was heartbreaking but he made it through and quickly recovered yet went back in the hospital with complications. He’s strong though, as I said, and he will get through this.

One night, while my boss was dealing with many many emotions I’d gone to his house late to do some work. He, one of his closest friends and I sat talking. This was not a great idea as he’d been drinking and I was emotional as well and we just got into an argument about his ex-girlfriend. He said some really shitty things and even though I could have said something just as shitty or worse back at him I got up and just left without saying anything. I don’t argue to hurt someone. I try my damnedest to not hurt anyone around me. My worst offense is the silent treatment and I know that I need to stop doing that but when I’m hurt or upset or worried that’s what I do.

So within this silent treatment I ignored his “somewhat” apology and we only discuss work. Period. I’ve stop talking to his ex-girlfriend and have just moved on. I’m sure we will have a discussion at some point but as long as we’ve both got something to occupy our minds it’ll be a while because I’m a stubborn bitch.

You know, that’s one of the things they say about Aquarius’s is that we can be thinking about someone till it kills us but we still won’t pick up the phone, text or reach out what-so-ever. It’s a shitty habit we have and it’s not an excuse. I know I need to do better. There’s people that I think about all the time and just don’t say shit. It’s another one of my flaws I suppose.

I have been getting “fitter” by accident also. I’ve not been eating so I’m going to just blame that on “intermittent fasting”. Truth is by the time I’m done with my day I’ve realized that I just didn’t eat and most days don’t care to. I guess that’s what happens when you’re mind is busy worried all the time about everyone but yourself.

My dad, well he’s been in the hospital for almost 2 months now. That’s been a weird thing. I want him to come home as long as he’s ready and willing to work to keep himself healthy. My mom is his caretaker and he needs to treat her more kindly as well but that’s a conversation that my brother needs to have with him as we still don’t have very many conversations over 5 minutes. At least, if he’s home, my mom can stop worry so much and he’ll be comfortable.

My crazy friend with the health issues, she worries herself sick most of the time. I think that’s a flaw that a lot of people have but as soon as something is wrong around her she takes on that guilt or sadness or anger. These are all things that I try to tell her to let go of BUT I am a hypocrite.

I take on guilt and sadness and emotions from others that I have no business keeping. In some weird way I feel like if I take them then they don’t have to feel that anymore. I’m aware that is some flaw and maybe part of being an empath but it doesn’t help me any. At least I am admitting my faults. That’s the first step right?

My one distraction, as of late, was the drummer but as I said we’ve not seen each other in almost a month. The last time we did we had a good conversation and it was about how he wanted to have this “Private girlfriend” type of relationship with me which I was fine with, in fact, it’s what I’d written about on here not that long before and he talked about love again which I was getting more comfortable with and then poof… He’s gone.

The first couple weeks I’d explained his absence by saying maybe he realized what he said and now feels vulnerable. Then it was, “His kids are out of school” or “then this” or “then that”. Now that it’s been as long as it’s been I’ve just sadly written off the good things that he’d said and keep remembering “He’s just not that into you”. I know I’ve referenced this movie so many times but at the end of the day if a guy WANTS to see or talk to you he will. I’ve told him before that I would work around HIS schedule because he’s got more shit going on so… That’s where we are. No where. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Truth here, I miss him. I miss him like I really didn’t think I would because we really haven’t spent that much time together. I just liked his energy and the way I felt around him. I will be sad and maybe for a while but this is why I kept my heart to myself. Hope for the best but expect the worst I guess. There’s always been a chance that he’d go back to his wife, find another girl now that he’s single or just want to stay out of anything emotional for a while. These are all the reasons I kept my walls down but my heart closed.

I’m going to see my Shaman friend on Sunday. Hopefully she’ll be able to tell me something good so I don’t feel so sad right now. Maybe she can cleanse my aura or unblock my bad luck at love. Maybe then I’ll find someone or I won’t feel so alone or something that doesn’t seem depressing. Who knows? He’s been my comfort for a couple months and it sucks to not have that. Even if it was only a couple times a month.

Every once in a while I think that it’s something that I’ve done. Like, I kept him too much of a secret or I don’t look pretty enough or I didn’t say “I love you” back. There’s a thousand and one things that go through a girls mind when a guy just stops wanting to see her. When he stops putting any effort out there and eventually I just have to give up the notion that it was “meant to be”. Because when things are meant to be they just happen and no one is left wondering what they did wrong.

So on top of everything that’s going on above and the fact that my comfort has disappeared I’m just in a blah, stuck place that I hate. I hate feeling sad, lonely, not good enough and not at peace. It sucks… That’s all I can say is that it sucks and that’s my reality these days. I’m just tired of being single I think. I know that I say that knowing that I’ve passed up so many good even great men in my life and this might be my karma. I wasn’t investing all my hopes and dreams on the drummer but I was thinking that I was comfortable for a while now and I wasn’t having to “search” for anything else. I guess I’m back to looking for something.

I hope that YOU are not where I am right now and that your life is awesome and joyful and peaceful. That is what I will be grateful for today if nothing else.

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My weird life and other randomness…

These last couple weeks have been strange but again, that’s normal in my not so normal life. There’s been a lot of going out and a lot of meeting people but aside from that there’s been lots of drama. If you’ve been here (my blog) before you’ll know that I don’t usually cause the drama but am somehow in the middle of it while trying to push myself to the closest door to get away from it. Apparently, that’s not been working.

So first I’ll start with last week. I get a text from my brother making sure I knew what was going on. I had been immersed in work and had no idea what he was talking about but quickly found out that my father had been taken to the ER, then passed out, then taken and been admitted into another hospital. At this point everyone was racing around trying to figure out what to do. I was advised to stay where I was until further notice depending on the outcome of whatever the hospital had to say.

In usual fashion, where family is concerned, I was getting different stories, weird updates and disheartening news. The outcome was not going to be good. I had already told my boss that I would be leaving at some point and he’d have to just deal with things himself. By Thursday I was on the road. At this point I had been told my father was in heart, renal and kidney failure and someone was even kind enough to say, “This will be the first Christmas without him”.

My father and I have always had a weird, non-relationship. We’ve never really had a conversation that lasted longer than five uncomfortable minutes and he wasn’t a nice man growing up. With all that said, I’ve learned a lot from him. I am the person I am in business and my wit and business savvy has come from him. I was uneasy about how to feel about all of this but did have a couple cry moments which were unexpected.

The 2 and a half hour drive was cathartic and preparative. When I finally got to my brothers I was met by my sister-in-law and mother and was told that after almost five days my father was able to go home. But he’d be on, basically, hospice care from then on. In case you’re unsure what that is, it’s when someone is sent home to prepare to pass away. Yep, it’s not a pretty thing.

So we went to the hospital and I saw my dad which was weird because, growing up he was this larger than life, dynamic man that I was scared to death of and now he’s just small and frail and looks like he’s given up. I won’t understand what it’s like to be him and I get that but also, he was being so cruel to my mother. She is his only caretaker and I was having a hard time holding my tongue but realizing why he was doing it didn’t make it easier.

After just a day at my brothers I came home the next day and my brother, sister-in-law and niece came to me to visit for a day. We had a blast going to a museum, aquarium and to a nice dinner. They actually all stayed at my place that night and made my small apartment seem even smaller but it worked out. After we got home and everyone went to sleep, I stayed up and chatted with a friend for hours. I think I ended up going to sleep around 3 am and waking up around 6 am not being able to go back to sleep. I kept quiet until my niece popped her head out around 8. We cleaned up and went to brunch then they were on their way home.

I tried to sleep after that but am having a hard time sleeping lately, more than I normally do. Nothing seems to be helping me sleep these days. I just can’t shut my mind off at night. Even during the day if I try to nap my mind is racing like a fucking motorway. There’s so much going on in my world and my head that I can’t work it out. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin again and getting that itchy feeling to run away. I know I say that a lot but one day I’m actually going to do it. I wish that there was something that was truly keeping me here in this place. I just can’t seem to feel comfortable anymore. I’m either out way too much, doing too much or I’m not doing enough. I’m not really talking to anyone these days about my life or how I’m feeling which also, isn’t new.

There is one distraction from time to time and that’s the drummer. I’m happy when we’re together, especially when we’re at his place and it’s just about us and music or even in silence or moaning. But I’m not sure that this is the best thing for me. He’s a great distraction from my life and he’s not complicated. The relationship isn’t complicated. But I think he’s starting to feel too comfortable in this space we’re in that he doesn’t really try like he did in the beginning. I’ve given up on friends for less but he’s my only distraction right now. He’s a good one and I’m enjoying things I’ve dropped 7 potentials because none of them make me feel happy or as happy as when I’m around the drummer and I only have one FWB’s at a time.

If someone comes along and I feel some sort of connection to them then things might change but since I meet new people everyday and that connection is few and far between it appears that I might have to just live in this purgatory space for a while. I’m used to purgatory I guess. It’s where I’ve lived most of my life. I just wish for something amazing soon, something unexpected, something that I’m happily surprised about. I’m so over purgatory. I’m so over being disappointed or unsurprised. Maybe I need a new happy place. And now we’re back to running away again.

I’d love to take a trip soon. Maybe just go be out in nature for a couple days. I imagine the quiet calm of a forest or some shit… I don’t know maybe I’ll just go on a hike. I need to find some peace. That’s all. My mind is all over the place again and I’m losing my focus so that’s it for me today, in the middle of the day, which is weird. I’m such a night writer. Hope your in your happy place today… xXx

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Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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Last weekend was a drag, but my week was great…

Sunday was my GBF’s birthday and we decided to go, on Friday to a drag club. I thought it would be fun since I was doing a Keto/training reboot starting April 1st so I was going to go out with a bang. There was a pretty large group of us and half were drinking. Mix that with drag queens and yes, it was a blast. We also did a much tamer brunch on Sunday with his closest friends which was also great.

I’ve said this before but my friends become my family and I’ll do anything for them. This is especially true for my GBF since he gets to see my neurotic, compulsive weirdness more than most. I am blessed to have him in my life for sure.

Now, prior to Friday night my previous weekend was so much crap. I’d had numerous plans each day basically starting at 5 on Friday. I should have known that because I’d had a full calendar that nothing would go as planned and it didn’t. Now, this might have something to do with the insane amount of 12:34’s that I’ve been seeing. One interpretation of this is to simplify your life. Since then I’ve been going through my stuff to give, throw or put away. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate after losing your shit. But the point here is that that weekend I didn’t go out at all.

Usually by Monday, if I’ve not done anything over the weekend I feel deprived. This was no exception. Monday comes and goes and I’m starting to get into a funk. My mood is sad, or depressed or something. Something wasn’t sitting right in my soul. That’s when I decided it’s time to get back on the workout/eating right wagon which started yesterday.

Tuesday, well that was a little different. During the day I was getting so much work done to distract myself from how crappy I’d been feeling and just after 5 the drummer asked if I’d come over to his new place. I don’t think we’d seen each other since the night we’d sat in my car and listened to music. Even though I’d already had plans I canceled on them and decided to go over.

We went to a local bar of his first and had a few drinks then went and hung out at his place. It was a really good time. I won’t go into much detail but I still have bite marks on me from a week ago and strangely that’s exactly how I like it. BUT we actually talked a lot and listened to music as well. It’s actually kind of spooky that we’ve had similar situations in our lives. Most prolifically is our fathers and probably how we both feel about them now.

I’ll probably only admit this right now to you guys here but I’m kinda liking this guy. I have lots of fun when we’re together whether it is learning his history or listening to music or getting bitten. I still can’t tell what he’s thinking though, about us. I think that I must have reached my quota at one point by telling him that I don’t want to hear bullshit, only real shit because, I think, he said that nothing he’s ever said to me is bullshit. Now, the reason I say “I think” is because I’m wasn’t completely sober and neither was he which is another reason why I’m not convinced that what he says is real.

I am trying to be more open to whatever comes my way and I’m not “seeing” any one else but also not trying to be a stupid girl at the end of all this either. I’m living in the moment, having fun with him when I can and trying not to girl brain any situations at all. I’m realizing his faults or flaws and trying to be above them. I think that’s growth right?

We’ve almost know each other for a year now and in a year I can usually see and be annoyed by someone’s faults or flaws BUT I am choosing to be better than that. One thing that used to bother the crap out of me is the whole, “respond to a message” thing. I guess, because I use my phone for work which I work 24/7 I respond as quick as possible but others do not, or negate the message completely. It annoyed me in the beginning but I can acknowledge that as a flaw and move on or I can let it drive me crazy. At the end of the day I know he’s got a much more hectic life than I do and I’m not going to let it drive me crazy. On the same note one of the absolute BEST things about him is that he is NEVER on his phone when I’m with him. That’s so fucking awesome I can’t even explain it. I think that actually makes up for other.

I’m still pretty secretive about him though, mostly because I have no idea what we are. But also, and you guys know this, I don’t like to shout about my “ships” to anyone. It’s no one else’s business. But there’s also part of me that’s never really wanted everyone else to ask, “So where is this going?” especially because I don’t even know. My family is coming down here in just over a month and I know I’ll get the obligatory “Are you seeing anyone?” and most likely my answer will be no besides, he’s still newly single. He needs to go out there and experience what’s out there. While I wouldn’t mind seeing him more at all I’m not freaking out that we are not. See, this is so much growth.

I think I’ve said this before but that mouth of his… Wow. I could kiss him for days. I could even just sit next to him and listen to him talk and listen to music for days. I will say that there’s a lot of things that I’ve asked for in my intention settings that he checks off on those lists. I have yet to have the, “Oh by the way, I’m seriously fucked up about love, intimacy and my history is a cluster-fuck of horribly bad events” talk. It’s not that we’re close to having that talk but I think he’s getting some idea already.

As much as I look like a tense cat when someone tries to be intimate with me (by that I mean the hand holding, kissing, caressing and things like that) I like when he holds my hand, hugs me and I even like the things he says even though I can’t read where it registers on the bullshit meter yet. I would like to have an overnight stay soon though. I mean, it’s been me going to his part of the world till 4/5 in the morning then driving home and sleeping for a few hours before getting up to work again. While I don’t mind that I’d still like to see each other without having to rush to get anywhere or do anything.

Funnily enough, we joked about taking a trip together which, since we’ve not even had an overnight stay with each other seems far beyond reality but I wouldn’t care if we went camping, to the beach or even to Austin for a day or two. All I’m saying here is that I like what I’ve seen so far. I hope he does too but if he doesn’t I’m ok with that too. I’m open to him and yet still guarded enough to not get hurt down the line. I’m being smarter this time. Still turns me on more than any man has EVER.

Now, when we’re not together is when I get to spend my time working on myself. That part I like as well because I never feel better than when I’m eating right, working out and meditating for me. Pretty soon, I’ll look even better and will either be turning the others away even more so than I am now or I’ll be accepting those requests for dates. Depends on what April has to offer. Right now though, I’m happy. That’s what matters. The drummer is in this chapter in my life and I’m liking this book right now. I am also grateful for him tonight and am grateful that he saw something in me a year ago that made him want to “friend request” me on Facebook and real life.

Nite xXx

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Boring Nights Verses the Reality of a Dream…

It’s official, every single year around this time, my niece takes me down with some sort of illness. Kids and their little micro germs. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I spent time with her over Thanksgiving and I’d chose to feel like this after, ever time as long as she and I got to spend our time together. She is the one person in my life that has my whole heart. I remember her first Christmas where I held her all day in my arms and almost bit off the hand of anyone else that tried to hold her. She slept all day just like that. Fast forward a few years and she and I are buried underneath a blanket of plush animals snuggled together while watching a Christmas movie, all while her little germs permeate my immune system.

The next day, on the way back home, I knew I was about to be sick. I could feel it. As I’m on my 2 hour car ride home and my boss is talking my ear off about his broken heart which I’ve heard 1,000 times in a month, all I could think was, “Damn it, I’ll be down for two weeks”. For some reason I’ve always hated going to see the Doctor for something as simple as antibiotics which puts me out sick for 2 weeks. This year was different. My boss forced me to go to the doctor and get a script for something which has actually sped my recovery beyond years past.

But within this week things have been quiet. I’ve done as much work as I could before slipping in and out of consciousness and helped where I could. I’ve been lounging around in sweat pants with a runny nose and avoiding the phone as much as possible as I am not a pretty sound right now. So this week has been painfully boring. You all know when my life gets boring is when I start having these strange thoughts to run away, do something spontaneous or hit up some old flames to pass the time. I’ve done none of it though but did have a thought provoking conversation with my GBF tonight.

He was asking about my year in boyfriends, or boys in general. My reply was that it’s been pretty unproductive. I guess that’s not the entire truth but it’s not like there’s been a lot that I can talk about in public. I mean, married men all over the place. There was one at the beginning of the year and he was boring but attached. There was another one that was married that had “feelings for me” which I had absolutely no attraction for what-so-ever – he’s been blocked. There was another one that was sleeping with a friend that wants to continue something with me after he was done with her that I had absolutely no attraction to – he’s been blocked. There’s one that I am really good friends with that’s leaving to work in another country so we’ll still get to talk and I like talking to him but he’s married. The last one, THAT one, the one that I will probably always be attracted to but will never see again and he’s married.

These boys got my GBF and I talking about what I should have done differently all year. But it started with me asking the guy that’s leaving the country why married men are attracted to me and he said, “Well, cause you’re cool, down-to-earth, and because you don’t nit-pick. You’re down for whatever and you have a temptressness about you.” I don’t even think that’s a word but never would have said that before this year. Truth is that none of those guys saw 100% of who I am and never really cared to either. But now that I’ve said that I don’t know that anyone has, or even come close.

So what would I have done differently this year? Well, the boring and attached, I would have been done with him sooner. The one that had feelings for me I would have made it even more simple that I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him what-so-ever. The one that was sleeping with a friend first, I would have not tried to help him so much with advice, apparently me giving him dating advice was just wrong and I would have probably have blocked him sooner. The one that’s leaving I probably wouldn’t have done anything different with him because I kind of like where we’re at with each other. There’s no cheating but some great conversations and a little bit of sexting. The last one, Oh the last one… Being that I will probably never see him again I’d probably have had sex with him back in a parking lot months ago, then at least, he’d be out of my system and I could stop thinking about him. I mean it’s just sex anyway.

But instead of having the sex I’ve tried to move him to this box of “business friendship” where I try to help him out using my connections at work. I don’t understand why it’s so important for me to help him though. He’s never really done anything outstanding for me. He’s never been overly nice to me. Yes, we have a crazy sexual chemistry but that’s all. I’ve talked about this before that what I’m doing isn’t happening organically. It doesn’t feel right. It’s weird. But it’s so important for me to hit up people that I’ve done business with for at least a decade to help him that I find myself wondering why… and I’m at a loss.

I don’t really know him well. What I do know about him is from rumors of others and it’s not been very nice but still I want to help. Maybe it’s my need to find a purpose for everyone that I meet and as of right now I don’t know why I met him. Maybe it’s the sexual chemistry except if I don’t ever see him again then what does that matter? I am really at a loss for what this one is supposed to have taught me and why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive.

These are the things I think about on a life hiatus  while being sick. I asked the universe for the answer but she has a funny way of not answering me in a plain and simple way so there’s no confusion. Instead, I keep having this recurring dream that he comes over, drunk one night and we dance in the dark to an old jazz record of mine and then we have sex for hours until he falls asleep. Then I go to the patio in just a t-shirt and watch the rain. He comes out and just wraps his arms around me and tells me that he doesn’t want to wake up and have me not be next to him… Then I wake up.

Is this my subconscious telling me that I’m needing some romance in my life, the romance that I’ve pushed away for years? I have no idea and now I think that my NyQuil has kicked in because I’m talking about romance with a guy that I don’t even know, or even know if I even like, or that I’ll ever see again. Maybe it’s just me thinking about the last time that I actually felt anything at all. Who knows?… But since I have an excuse that I’m on medicine here’s to dancing in the dark to jazz records, lots and lots of sex and kisses on the neck in the rain.

Nite… xXx

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What to do when it’s over…

I’m speaking of the holiday’s, I think, when I title this post. But I guess that they’re not entirely over until after the New Years parties right? I’m not sure and I still haven’t decided what I’m doing for new years yet. So indecisive…

But what about the Christmas holiday? Well, it was great. That wasn’t sarcasm either. I got there early Friday morning and my niece was so excited to see me. However, I was so excited to see a coffee mug first. Yes, it was that early. We played around then went out to shop a bit, came back and played some more. A few hours later my sister-in-laws brother got there so there were two single adult children to play with my niece.

She’s an amazing little ball of energy and, I know this is said all the time, but she’s so crazy smart. I carry on conversations with her as if she were my intellectual equal. There’s no baby talk in the house and she’s treated very adult like but able to act like a kid which is something that I probably envy a bit. After a long night and a bit of drinking, a lot of laughing and just being exhausted I finally fell asleep without much help from my sleeping pills.

Saturday came around and it was up early, coffee (of course) and a lot more playing. My brother is building her a real life castle playhouse in the backyard so there’s a lot of mud, sand and all other things that make laundry a much needed thing, much quicker than normal. Then my parents got to my brothers house early, like super early. So the passive aggressive remakes came out a lot quicker about why I never visit them. That part was awesome (yes that WAS sarcasm) but we quickly shot that down by playing a few games of poker.

Poker is my dad’s game but after a few bad hands I think he realized that I inherited his luck or skill for the game. I was taking his money quickly and that was fun. After an hour or so of this it was time to get ready for the sister-in-laws family Christmas eve dinner. There were a lot of people there but aside from my niece I was the youngest. So she and I played a lot trying to ignore the adult conversations around the room.

My sister-in-laws grandparents are still alive and well in their 90’s. Both, once, strong roll models but now are wither away quickly. They’ve both fought a long hard battle with sickness, struggles and copious amounts of things that we’ll never know but I found out some things about her grandfather which left me in awe but also saddened at the fact that I would never get to speak with him in the prime of his life. He is a doctor and one of the first that helped the victims of the Holocaust. He also testified at the Nuremberg Trials. He has some amazing knowledge in his mind which is getting hazier each day.

Those are stories that he’d rather forget which is understandable. However, they are part of history and he was on the good side. He was/is an amazing brilliant man that has turned into a shell of someone who is so very ready to let go of his physical self. He and his wife are ready to go and from what I heard it’s a bit like The Notebook. I’d say yuck to the reference if I wasn’t so in awe of his knowledge.

So after the party we all went back to my brothers house where we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and went to bed a bit earlier mostly due to the fear that my parents would be showing up before the requested time that we offered. But to our amazement they all landed at the house at the same time. One car pulled in, then another, and another… The stockings went quickly and then it was time to open presents from under the tree. I am usually less excited to open mine because I’m more excited to see others open mine.

I got each person exactly what they asked for. That’s always the fun part for me is getting them what they want. I got all the things I’d asked for as well but I tended to be practical. Silk sheets, towels, electronics… those types of things. After that I started packing to make sure I left on time. As I said the other day, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to stay more than I wanted to come home. I had no desire to come home to a lonely cold home.

Before I left though there was one more gift to open. I’d addressed it to the “kids at heart” and to the “adult children”. I’d purchased four snowball guns and a lot of boxes of LED lighted snowballs. Once opened it was open season on anyone who got in our way. We were loud, running everywhere and having a blast. My niece was running around finding all the snowballs and then loading her gun first then offering them to me. As my brother was loading his she stood in front of me saying, “You can’t hit her… She’s my best friend”. Which yes, even with a stone cold heart made me feel like the grinch at the end of the movie.

Most times, when I leave there is not a big deal made about it from my niece. She’s usually the one saying she’s tired and wants to nap so it’s a quick hug and a “bye!”. This was the first time that she cried. She cried so much that it tore my heart up. There was tears and snot and holding on for dear life… It was a scene that is stuck in my mind right now and has been. No one said, “suck it up” or “you’ll be fine”. It was acknowledged, she was told that she could feel whatever she wanted to and then I left. I left happy that she wasn’t told to hide her feelings or to ignore them. They are teaching her to FEEL! That’s a luxury that I never got and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My drive home was nice. I thought about the weekend and was talking to my ex most of the way. He’d asked me to go with him to San Francisco. He’s traveling there for work and spent most of the conversation saying exactly the things that I wanted to hear. How he loved me, cared so much for me and was just excited to get the opportunity to see me and treat me to something. He literally said every single thing I NEEDED to hear before I was about to arrive at my quiet lonely home.

We left the conversation by me saying, “I’ll think about it seriously. I promise”. Which I am. However, when I got home there was a car in my parking spot and I knew that for the moment that I walked in my home I wouldn’t be alone. But I also knew that there was no telling how long I’d have some companionship.

I walked in and THE friend was here. He’d been here since Friday and I was happy to know that he was in a place that someone appreciated him in. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Treading on thin frozen water because I know he hates the holidays I didn’t really say anything about my trip but then again he didn’t ask either. I then took a nap and woke up a little delighted the he was still here.

That’s always the problem when he stays. I usually feel myself already being disappointed because I know that he could decide to get up and leave at any given moment. That some girl will text or call him wanting to see him and then he’d leave. This time went a bit different though. I stayed in the moment and just engaged when he wanted to and didn’t when he was off in another world, or another person. We are so far in the “friendzone” that it’s disgusting.

The good thing is that I no longer worry that my hairs perfect, that I have matching underwear on or that my legs are shaved because to him, it never mattered. So I get to just relax and act as though he’s just some girl friend or gay friend that’s here. I change with the door open. I sleep with no pants on and I no longer wait for him to crawl into bed just to be next to some warm body.

Since I know that this is all he wants out of us, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to be the one that he turns to for everything or that we don’t have to have some talk or argument that might just change the way everything turns out. I’m not as offended when he says stupid mean shit. I am better at not getting upset that I know he’s wishing he was next to any other girl than me. There are still times that I say things that are probably out of jealousy but also because I know he’s better than he acts.

Things no longer feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Does this mean that I’m no longer in love with him? Does it mean that I’m no longer a masochist? Or does this mean that I’m just so used to him at this point that nothing he does surprises me? I’m not really sure about any of that right now and the difference is that not having those answers no longer keep me up at night…

There was a time not long ago that I still help out hope that he would surprise me in a grandiose way. Some huge sign that this was always meant to be something more than a normal friendship but that is also gone now. I think that I am a bit sad about the fact that he’ll never surprise me in a good way again. But I guess that’s all part of getting over it all. Strangely all I wanted for Christmas was a few nice kind words from him and I’d have been the happiest I’ve been in a long time about us.

I came home tonight and figured out that he’d left about five minutes before I got home. Again, no surprise there but I wasn’t as sad as I usually am to find him gone. I was able to “take care of myself”. Take a nice long shower and write here. Those are things that are great home alone things to do even though I’d brought him something that he needed. That’s what I get for trying to please someone that can’t be pleased or doesn’t want to be. Not really sure when I’ll see him again. We shall see especially since I only saw him by accident this weekend. I actually think he was disappointed that I came home when I did. I think he welcomes being in my home more when I’m not in it.

So, those are some of the tales of my Christmas holidays. It’s time to start thinking about the new year, to a healthier, happier New Year. Hopefully I’ll get one with some good surprises from someone else this year. I’m so crazy tired right now that it’s all I can do to finish this. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I appreciate all of you for your kind words and for listening to me on these crazy ramblings.

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Happy Halloween… with my rambling.

First, Happy Halloween. There was no party tonight only dinner out with friends. Halloween on a Monday kinda stinks. Not sure I would have been in the partying mood anyway. I think I’ve just had some sort of emotional hungover kind of day.

Luckily, I was the only one at work so I came and went as I pleased while listen to my music very loud. I feel like there was an appropriate mix of Rage Against the Machine and Social Distortion that I got to listen out my anger a bit. Music is my saving grace and my happy place. That’s probably why I’m not sure I want to make the new guy part of that just yet.

But speaking of the new guy, since I was at work alone today we talked on the phone for a while. He’s still in California and his stay just got extended for another week because of some crisis as his company. He told me all about it but my attention span was about 15 seconds which is longer than usual but not long enough to actually retain what he’d said.

I feel like the moment I said, in my head, “Okay, lets do this thing” with the new guy something happens so that we can’t get there. It would be different if there was another option and then the signs would make sense but there’s not so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I think I might have just found out that he doesn’t really want kids. It’s possible that if that is the case then it might not be a deal breaker but really?

This is what fate does to me… Give me a sexy, nice, smart guy with a hairless chest but he doesn’t want kids. Or give me someone that I can truly love completely and he doesn’t love me at all… You can understand why I get angry a lot about fate or at fate. Or I find a guy who likes kids but doesn’t really enjoy music. I really can’t win EVER! So, instead of a boyfriend, a kid or a dog… Right now I have a tiny little plant named blue.

So basically from this point on forward for the next two months it’s “holiday season”. I’m not so much a grinch as I am someone who just thinks that the whole point of the season is lost now. Not to mention that it’s usually done best with big families and I don’t have that.

I remember growing up I always wanted a big family that I could spend the holidays with but it was always just four of us. As we grew older it became the four of us and my brother and my closest friends. So I don’t have any family close to me, well 2 hour drive I guess is close but when our holiday comes it’s usually my drive to someone’s house to stay as little as I possibly can so I can be back home with my friends. Truth is it sucks that everyone’s coupled. So I just feel like I should be sitting at the kids table. It sucks to be single during the holidays…

I guess that’s my point which is another reason why I’m not so keen on starting something with the new guy. I’ve only ever asked one person if they’d like to come with me during my holiday chaos and that was… wait for it… THE friend and of course he said no but I was asking as a friend and nothing more. As I said our family’s holidays have always had our friends included and my brother likes him. He thinks he’s a good guy and wanted to hang out with him. What stupid ideas I have.

Well, I’ve got a little bit of time left for some cardio and then I’m off to bed. I’m going to leave you with my favorite Halloween song though… Enjoy.