Boring Nights Verses the Reality of a Dream…

It’s official, every single year around this time, my niece takes me down with some sort of illness. Kids and their little micro germs. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I spent time with her over Thanksgiving and I’d chose to feel like this after, ever time as long as she and I got to spend our time together. She is the one person in my life that has my whole heart. I remember her first Christmas where I held her all day in my arms and almost bit off the hand of anyone else that tried to hold her. She slept all day just like that. Fast forward a few years and she and I are buried underneath a blanket of plush animals snuggled together while watching a Christmas movie, all while her little germs permeate my immune system.

The next day, on the way back home, I knew I was about to be sick. I could feel it. As I’m on my 2 hour car ride home and my boss is talking my ear off about his broken heart which I’ve heard 1,000 times in a month, all I could think was, “Damn it, I’ll be down for two weeks”. For some reason I’ve always hated going to see the Doctor for something as simple as antibiotics which puts me out sick for 2 weeks. This year was different. My boss forced me to go to the doctor and get a script for something which has actually sped my recovery beyond years past.

But within this week things have been quiet. I’ve done as much work as I could before slipping in and out of consciousness and helped where I could. I’ve been lounging around in sweat pants with a runny nose and avoiding the phone as much as possible as I am not a pretty sound right now. So this week has been painfully boring. You all know when my life gets boring is when I start having these strange thoughts to run away, do something spontaneous or hit up some old flames to pass the time. I’ve done none of it though but did have a thought provoking conversation with my GBF tonight.

He was asking about my year in boyfriends, or boys in general. My reply was that it’s been pretty unproductive. I guess that’s not the entire truth but it’s not like there’s been a lot that I can talk about in public. I mean, married men all over the place. There was one at the beginning of the year and he was boring but attached. There was another one that was married that had “feelings for me” which I had absolutely no attraction for what-so-ever – he’s been blocked. There was another one that was sleeping with a friend that wants to continue something with me after he was done with her that I had absolutely no attraction to – he’s been blocked. There’s one that I am really good friends with that’s leaving to work in another country so we’ll still get to talk and I like talking to him but he’s married. The last one, THAT one, the one that I will probably always be attracted to but will never see again and he’s married.

These boys got my GBF and I talking about what I should have done differently all year. But it started with me asking the guy that’s leaving the country why married men are attracted to me and he said, “Well, cause you’re cool, down-to-earth, and because you don’t nit-pick. You’re down for whatever and you have a temptressness about you.” I don’t even think that’s a word but never would have said that before this year. Truth is that none of those guys saw 100% of who I am and never really cared to either. But now that I’ve said that I don’t know that anyone has, or even come close.

So what would I have done differently this year? Well, the boring and attached, I would have been done with him sooner. The one that had feelings for me I would have made it even more simple that I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him what-so-ever. The one that was sleeping with a friend first, I would have not tried to help him so much with advice, apparently me giving him dating advice was just wrong and I would have probably have blocked him sooner. The one that’s leaving I probably wouldn’t have done anything different with him because I kind of like where we’re at with each other. There’s no cheating but some great conversations and a little bit of sexting. The last one, Oh the last one… Being that I will probably never see him again I’d probably have had sex with him back in a parking lot months ago, then at least, he’d be out of my system and I could stop thinking about him. I mean it’s just sex anyway.

But instead of having the sex I’ve tried to move him to this box of “business friendship” where I try to help him out using my connections at work. I don’t understand why it’s so important for me to help him though. He’s never really done anything outstanding for me. He’s never been overly nice to me. Yes, we have a crazy sexual chemistry but that’s all. I’ve talked about this before that what I’m doing isn’t happening organically. It doesn’t feel right. It’s weird. But it’s so important for me to hit up people that I’ve done business with for at least a decade to help him that I find myself wondering why… and I’m at a loss.

I don’t really know him well. What I do know about him is from rumors of others and it’s not been very nice but still I want to help. Maybe it’s my need to find a purpose for everyone that I meet and as of right now I don’t know why I met him. Maybe it’s the sexual chemistry except if I don’t ever see him again then what does that matter? I am really at a loss for what this one is supposed to have taught me and why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive.

These are the things I think about on a life hiatusĀ  while being sick. I asked the universe for the answer but she has a funny way of not answering me in a plain and simple way so there’s no confusion. Instead, I keep having this recurring dream that he comes over, drunk one night and we dance in the dark to an old jazz record of mine and then we have sex for hours until he falls asleep. Then I go to the patio in just a t-shirt and watch the rain. He comes out and just wraps his arms around me and tells me that he doesn’t want to wake up and have me not be next to him… Then I wake up.

Is this my subconscious telling me that I’m needing some romance in my life, the romance that I’ve pushed away for years? I have no idea and now I think that my NyQuil has kicked in because I’m talking about romance with a guy that I don’t even know, or even know if I even like, or that I’ll ever see again. Maybe it’s just me thinking about the last time that I actually felt anything at all. Who knows?… But since I have an excuse that I’m on medicine here’s to dancing in the dark to jazz records, lots and lots of sex and kisses on the neck in the rain.

Nite… xXx

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What to do when it’s over…

I’m speaking of the holiday’s, I think, when I title this post. But I guess that they’re not entirely over until after the New Years parties right? I’m not sure and I still haven’t decided what I’m doing for new years yet. So indecisive…

But what about the Christmas holiday? Well, it was great. That wasn’t sarcasm either. I got there early Friday morning and my niece was so excited to see me. However, I was so excited to see a coffee mug first. Yes, it was that early. We played around then went out to shop a bit, came back and played some more. A few hours later my sister-in-laws brother got there so there were two single adult children to play with my niece.

She’s an amazing little ball of energy and, I know this is said all the time, but she’s so crazy smart. I carry on conversations with her as if she were my intellectual equal. There’s no baby talk in the house and she’s treated very adult like but able to act like a kid which is something that I probably envy a bit. After a long night and a bit of drinking, a lot of laughing and just being exhausted I finally fell asleep without much help from my sleeping pills.

Saturday came around and it was up early, coffee (of course) and a lot more playing. My brother is building her a real life castle playhouse in the backyard so there’s a lot of mud, sand and all other things that make laundry a much needed thing, much quicker than normal. Then my parents got to my brothers house early, like super early. So the passive aggressive remakes came out a lot quicker about why I never visit them. That part was awesome (yes that WAS sarcasm) but we quickly shot that down by playing a few games of poker.

Poker is my dad’s game but after a few bad hands I think he realized that I inherited his luck or skill for the game. I was taking his money quickly and that was fun. After an hour or so of this it was time to get ready for the sister-in-laws family Christmas eve dinner. There were a lot of people there but aside from my niece I was the youngest. So she and I played a lot trying to ignore the adult conversations around the room.

My sister-in-laws grandparents are still alive and well in their 90’s. Both, once, strong roll models but now are wither away quickly. They’ve both fought a long hard battle with sickness, struggles and copious amounts of things that we’ll never know but I found out some things about her grandfather which left me in awe but also saddened at the fact that I would never get to speak with him in the prime of his life. He is a doctor and one of the first that helped the victims of the Holocaust. He also testified at the Nuremberg Trials. He has some amazing knowledge in his mind which is getting hazier each day.

Those are stories that he’d rather forget which is understandable. However, they are part of history and he was on the good side. He was/is an amazing brilliant man that has turned into a shell of someone who is so very ready to let go of his physical self. He and his wife are ready to go and from what I heard it’s a bit like The Notebook. I’d say yuck to the reference if I wasn’t so in awe of his knowledge.

So after the party we all went back to my brothers house where we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and went to bed a bit earlier mostly due to the fear that my parents would be showing up before the requested time that we offered. But to our amazement they all landed at the house at the same time. One car pulled in, then another, and another… The stockings went quickly and then it was time to open presents from under the tree. I am usually less excited to open mine because I’m more excited to see others open mine.

I got each person exactly what they asked for. That’s always the fun part for me is getting them what they want. I got all the things I’d asked for as well but I tended to be practical. Silk sheets, towels, electronics… those types of things. After that I started packing to make sure I left on time. As I said the other day, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to stay more than I wanted to come home. I had no desire to come home to a lonely cold home.

Before I left though there was one more gift to open. I’d addressed it to the “kids at heart” and to the “adult children”. I’d purchased four snowball guns and a lot of boxes of LED lighted snowballs. Once opened it was open season on anyone who got in our way. We were loud, running everywhere and having a blast. My niece was running around finding all the snowballs and then loading her gun first then offering them to me. As my brother was loading his she stood in front of me saying, “You can’t hit her… She’s my best friend”. Which yes, even with a stone cold heart made me feel like the grinch at the end of the movie.

Most times, when I leave there is not a big deal made about it from my niece. She’s usually the one saying she’s tired and wants to nap so it’s a quick hug and a “bye!”. This was the first time that she cried. She cried so much that it tore my heart up. There was tears and snot and holding on for dear life… It was a scene that is stuck in my mind right now and has been. No one said, “suck it up” or “you’ll be fine”. It was acknowledged, she was told that she could feel whatever she wanted to and then I left. I left happy that she wasn’t told to hide her feelings or to ignore them. They are teaching her to FEEL! That’s a luxury that I never got and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My drive home was nice. I thought about the weekend and was talking to my ex most of the way. He’d asked me to go with him to San Francisco. He’s traveling there for work and spent most of the conversation saying exactly the things that I wanted to hear. How he loved me, cared so much for me and was just excited to get the opportunity to see me and treat me to something. He literally said every single thing I NEEDED to hear before I was about to arrive at my quiet lonely home.

We left the conversation by me saying, “I’ll think about it seriously. I promise”. Which I am. However, when I got home there was a car in my parking spot and I knew that for the moment that I walked in my home I wouldn’t be alone. But I also knew that there was no telling how long I’d have some companionship.

I walked in and THE friend was here. He’d been here since Friday and I was happy to know that he was in a place that someone appreciated him in. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Treading on thin frozen water because I know he hates the holidays I didn’t really say anything about my trip but then again he didn’t ask either. I then took a nap and woke up a little delighted the he was still here.

That’s always the problem when he stays. I usually feel myself already being disappointed because I know that he could decide to get up and leave at any given moment. That some girl will text or call him wanting to see him and then he’d leave. This time went a bit different though. I stayed in the moment and just engaged when he wanted to and didn’t when he was off in another world, or another person. We are so far in the “friendzone” that it’s disgusting.

The good thing is that I no longer worry that my hairs perfect, that I have matching underwear on or that my legs are shaved because to him, it never mattered. So I get to just relax and act as though he’s just some girl friend or gay friend that’s here. I change with the door open. I sleep with no pants on and I no longer wait for him to crawl into bed just to be next to some warm body.

Since I know that this is all he wants out of us, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to be the one that he turns to for everything or that we don’t have to have some talk or argument that might just change the way everything turns out. I’m not as offended when he says stupid mean shit. I am better at not getting upset that I know he’s wishing he was next to any other girl than me. There are still times that I say things that are probably out of jealousy but also because I know he’s better than he acts.

Things no longer feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Does this mean that I’m no longer in love with him? Does it mean that I’m no longer a masochist? Or does this mean that I’m just so used to him at this point that nothing he does surprises me? I’m not really sure about any of that right now and the difference is that not having those answers no longer keep me up at night…

There was a time not long ago that I still help out hope that he would surprise me in a grandiose way. Some huge sign that this was always meant to be something more than a normal friendship but that is also gone now. I think that I am a bit sad about the fact that he’ll never surprise me in a good way again. But I guess that’s all part of getting over it all. Strangely all I wanted for Christmas was a few nice kind words from him and I’d have been the happiest I’ve been in a long time about us.

I came home tonight and figured out that he’d left about five minutes before I got home. Again, no surprise there but I wasn’t as sad as I usually am to find him gone. I was able to “take care of myself”. Take a nice long shower and write here. Those are things that are great home alone things to do even though I’d brought him something that he needed. That’s what I get for trying to please someone that can’t be pleased or doesn’t want to be. Not really sure when I’ll see him again. We shall see especially since I only saw him by accident this weekend. I actually think he was disappointed that I came home when I did. I think he welcomes being in my home more when I’m not in it.

So, those are some of the tales of my Christmas holidays. It’s time to start thinking about the new year, to a healthier, happier New Year. Hopefully I’ll get one with some good surprises from someone else this year. I’m so crazy tired right now that it’s all I can do to finish this. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I appreciate all of you for your kind words and for listening to me on these crazy ramblings.

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Happy Halloween… with my rambling.

First, Happy Halloween. There was no party tonight only dinner out with friends. Halloween on a Monday kinda stinks. Not sure I would have been in the partying mood anyway. I think I’ve just had some sort of emotional hungover kind of day.

Luckily, I was the only one at work so I came and went as I pleased while listen to my music very loud. I feel like there was an appropriate mix of Rage Against the Machine and Social Distortion that I got to listen out my anger a bit. Music is my saving grace and my happy place. That’s probably why I’m not sure I want to make the new guy part of that just yet.

But speaking of the new guy, since I was at work alone today we talked on the phone for a while. He’s still in California and his stay just got extended for another week because of some crisis as his company. He told me all about it but my attention span was about 15 seconds which is longer than usual but not long enough to actually retain what he’d said.

I feel like the moment I said, in my head, “Okay, lets do this thing” with the new guy something happens so that we can’t get there. It would be different if there was another option and then the signs would make sense but there’s not so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I think I might have just found out that he doesn’t really want kids. It’s possible that if that is the case then it might not be a deal breaker but really?

This is what fate does to me… Give me a sexy, nice, smart guy with a hairless chest but he doesn’t want kids. Or give me someone that I can truly love completely and he doesn’t love me at all… You can understand why I get angry a lot about fate or at fate. Or I find a guy who likes kids but doesn’t really enjoy music. I really can’t win EVER! So, instead of a boyfriend, a kid or a dog… Right now I have a tiny little plant named blue.

So basically from this point on forward for the next two months it’s “holiday season”. I’m not so much a grinch as I am someone who just thinks that the whole point of the season is lost now. Not to mention that it’s usually done best with big families and I don’t have that.

I remember growing up I always wanted a big family that I could spend the holidays with but it was always just four of us. As we grew older it became the four of us and my brother and my closest friends. So I don’t have any family close to me, well 2 hour drive I guess is close but when our holiday comes it’s usually my drive to someone’s house to stay as little as I possibly can so I can be back home with my friends. Truth is it sucks that everyone’s coupled. So I just feel like I should be sitting at the kids table. It sucks to be single during the holidays…

I guess that’s my point which is another reason why I’m not so keen on starting something with the new guy. I’ve only ever asked one person if they’d like to come with me during my holiday chaos and that was… wait for it… THE friend and of course he said no but I was asking as a friend and nothing more. As I said our family’s holidays have always had our friends included and my brother likes him. He thinks he’s a good guy and wanted to hang out with him. What stupid ideas I have.

Well, I’ve got a little bit of time left for some cardio and then I’m off to bed. I’m going to leave you with my favorite Halloween song though… Enjoy.

When parts of your life get deleted…

I came home tonight to find out that my TV service had some repair issues and my DVR was wiped out. Which strangely I don’t really care much about. But it was probably six months of crap on there. Some TV shows that I really wanted to watch but then thought, it’s only TV. Who gives a shit? This is true unless you’re someone who is going through a rough time and nothing that anyone suggests to do outside of your home feels like fun. It’s a go-to… It’s a way to stop thinking about your own troubles and think about someone else’s for a while.

The strange things you think about while watching live TV commercials right?

Here’s another piece of my history that I also thought of today which was symbolic of my DVR. I have no recollection of the entire early part of my life. I don’t remember my time in England. I don’t remember when we move here and I don’t remember much from being a young child. I tried to get hypnotized once but that didn’t work. I think that I fought it because I realized that there’s some pretty bad shit that’s happened to me that I can remember. How bad do things have to be to have forced them so far out of my memory?

With that same train of thought though how are you supposed to heal if you only know partially what you’re healing from? I guess it’s my paradox. Would you want to remember? Who you do anything you could to get all those memories back because you’ve blocked out the good with the bad?

I tend to blame a lot of my emotionally challenged self on being British, while in part that’s not the whole story. The truth is, my family has never, is not and will never be great communicators. The only emotion I ever saw growing up was anger and fear and being to young to be able to comprehend why an adult or sibling can be so angry it turned me into someone who doesn’t scream, have confrontations or say hurtful things to people. Because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of anger.

Moving past what I experienced at home, I was actually more raised by people’s parents that I became friends with. I remember when I was around 17 or so my boyfriend and I and another couple were going to the symphony. It was our first time and we’d gotten dressed like rich people with pearls and suits and flowers to start the evening. When my boyfriends Father came in to the living room to take photos of us he reached to my chest. Normally this would have made me freak out a bit, not being that comfortable around father figures and all but he was the first man that I was truly comfortable calling Pa. He was reaching to me to button my blouse and said, “No daughter of mine leaves the house like that”. It was the most comforting moment of a parental figure.

But before and after that there were others that wanted to “take care of me like their own”. I remember one couple that didn’t have kids. They lived across the street from my friend who’s mother was deaf. They had us over to their home a lot to eat dinner and do homework because her mom was always working and I had a latch-key life. They’d seen the bruises, a lot and tried to talk me into turning in whoever was doing it. When you’re a child you don’t want to be the reason that someone gets in trouble so I just stopped going over there.

It’s weird the things you remember at the oddest times. I think now, I try to overcompensate for my childhood. I hate confrontation even more which is why I just shut out the things that I feel any emotion toward. That’s why I have this blog so that I can take my feelings out here. And that’s why I buy things that I probably shouldn’t as gifts. I’ve talked about this before but presents are love. If I can’t say the words then I’ll just buy nice, pretty, shiny things for others. Does it make it any better that I’m completely aware of my behavior and still do it anyway?

I bring that up because my obligatory email to family and friends about “What five things do you want for Christmas” went out this week… And so the shopping begins. It’s early, too early but having to buy for so many makes it easier the earlier I start. Christmas isn’t about what it should be. It should be about wanting to spend time with family and friends. Catching up. Not this commercialized crap it’s become. Now, I basically stay the shortest time possible. Come home and just hibernate which is actually what sounds appealing this weekend already.

I asked for something new and got something new. I asked for a resolution to something old but didn’t get that. I think I would have rather gotten the latter. Don’t get me wrong. The first is still something that’s fun and exciting but I just don’t know how long he can stay shiny and new for me. But for tonight, I’m rebuilding my DVR and reading a weeks worth of emails with no plans in sight… I guess if I don’t do any spectacular it doesn’t matter if I don’t remember it one day.

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Seeing yourself in others…

So this next story is about a family trip. A few weeks ago my brother, sister-in-law and niece decided they wanted to come down and go to the zoo. Apparently their zoo sucks and ours doesn’t. So they got up at the butt-crack of dawn and drove 2.5 hours to meet me and off to see the lions and tigers and bears “Oh my”.

First disclosure, I actually hate the zoo. Well, maybe not HATE but dislike a lot. I’ve just never found it that interesting and it’s sad to see these animals in cages. But my niece loves all animals. A few days before my brother had asked about a couple friends to see if they’d like to come. I texted THE friend and in typical fashion he’d ignored the text as if it just disappeared into the universe without his knowledge and since I didn’t really want to hear some BS about how he never got it or some other excuse I’ve never brought it up. It’s painfully obvious that he only wants to be “secret friends” so I don’t know why I waste my energy on trying anything new. After that it discouraged me a bit so I decided to forgo asking anyone else and was just happy enough to hang with my little monkey.

They reached their first destination, my home, around 9:30 which if you know me then you know that that is to dang early for me especially on a weekend and I didn’t even get a chance to get my coffee in with fear that it might “kick in” at the wrong moment. I could already tell that my brother was agitated. Not really sure why but I didn’t care. It had been way too long since I got to hang with the coolest 3 and a half year old EVER.

She was sweet and immediately asked if I could sit next to her which was already a given. We were playing with stuffed animals the whole way there. By the time we’d actually pulled into the zoo it was already packed and hot and humid. Everyone stated where they wanted to go and what they wanted to see and so we commenced to finding appeasement for each. We saw the dinosaurs, tigers, chimpanzees and as he heat climbed so did my brothers temper. It was easy to see that he was going to explode soon and for no reason what-so-ever.

If you’ve been here, at my blog, for the long haul you’d know that my brother and I have always had a volatile relationship. He was an angry kid who chose to take it out on the most defenseless human he could. At that time it was me. I suffered years of verbal and physical trauma which finally was subdued when he went off to college and on a trip home one weekend a friend of his, whom I’d never met, caught my brothers fist mid air, right before it hit me. His friend looked at him and said, “If you want to hit something then hit me”. Mind you, his friend was a football player and much larger that he. After that, he never even attempted it again. That is another human that I owe a huge load of gratitude to.

But because of my younger years with him I knew what set him off, just how much he’d blow and how far to be back. He’s had anger issues for most of his life and he’s self-medicated about half that time with pot. I’ve always been a fan because if it wasn’t for that then I’m sure things would be much worse.

After a blow up in the car, for no reason what-so-ever his screaming was enough to almost give me a panic attack remembering all the ways he’d hurt me in my younger years. I’ve said before that the physical scars evaporated but the emotional ones never will. The moment I heard his start his screaming I went back into the 10 year old version of myself feeling invisible scabs being ripped off. Then what happened next brought me to tears.

I looked over at my carefree 3 and a half year old niece who was now playing with her new stuffed animals from the zoo and her body was frozen. Her face had the look of terror that I understood. From the look of her I could feel every single thing she was feeling in that moment because I had been there long ago and my only words for it was terrified. In that moment I wanted to ripe her out of that car seat, bundle her in a blanket and run far far away.

A few weeks after that, my friend in the Northeast and I were talking about that and I explained the version of the story that I remembered and he actually understood. He knows a lot of our history and he knows the history that my brother and I share. Growing up my friend was on my brothers side of things and now that we’re adults I’d say that he’s a much better mutual friend to both. I see him as another brother but one that I don’t have a terrible history with.

He ended up having a lengthy discussion about my brothers anger issues and situations that my friend had witnessed. None of it took away the pain that I felt for my niece and please understand that that is not a common occurrence with her around for him. It was just nice to talk to someone that knew the childhood stories of what I went through, listened to me and understood. That was exactly what I needed in that very moment and I am grateful to him for that.

The thoughts that come from the strangest places though. I knew at that moment that I would be a good mother if given the chance. But again, are my chances ruined because I’ve passed up so many. I would never be someone that would forgo the love for a man that I deserve just to have a child and I never have but does that mean that I’ve lost that part of my life? And so continues the regrets that I’ve had especially over the last few months.

These last few months have been a lot of things. I’ve seen dark days, black. I’ve been in physical and emotional pain. I’ve been depressed and bored. I’ve yearned for things that I once had and didn’t appreciate enough. But on the flip side of all of that I’ve also learned that the smallest of things can make me happy. The tiniest of deeds. The times that I’ve been the most happy were not being given luxurious gifts, expensive dinners or taken grand trips. I’m moved by things like someone taking the time to listen to me. I’m moved by the tiniest of expressions of love, caring and gratitude. I’m happy with the smallest surprises or the breaks from monotony. I smile at being the stories, the memories that others have to share. When people show loving concern. I have so many of those people in my life from my friend in the northeast who calls me and we chat away his entire 3 hour drive home, to my BFF who sends me messages that “even though you don’t want to talk I am here for you and love you”, to my GBF who calls or text every single day to see if there’s anything that I need, to my friend (the waiter that I barely know) who just paid for my entire dinner tonight.

It’s easy to be sad and depressed about the things that suck in life and the people who make you feel like less of a human than you deserve but it’s amazing when the other people in life make you feel exactly the way you want to feel at the very moment that you need to feel that. I have gratitude for all those amazing people tonight, the ones that bring me to tears in a good way.

None of that was meant to be a dig at the one person that I truly wanted all those things from. There’s lots of things that I cherish and that I am grateful for that he’s done or that we’ve done together. The times that he cleans, unknowingly with his OCD perfectionist style, I am grateful for. I miss the days that he would come to my door while I was “asleep” to (in my mind) check on me. I miss the days where he had climbed into bed, nothing sexual but maybe just to be next to someone else for a few moments. I miss the hand holding and the sweet kisses on the cheek and the hugs from behind. It feels as though it’s been an eternity since we’ve touched and probably won’t ever happen again. I miss the falling asleep together on the couch on a rainy day and having some part of his body accidentally find its way to mine to linger.

You see, all our most special moments to me are the ones that you can’t buy, measure or plan. They just happened and now, they’re all gone. It’s still a very sad place to be in when you find your heart empty and echoing the memories of yesterday. I can be grateful for all those things above and still sad that it’s come to this. God, I just wished that he’d just have paid a bit more attention to me and less to the social box inside a five inch piece of shit or to some new girl that so easily walks out of his life or that he still made the rest of the world disappear for just a few moments…

I’m not easily had and I don’t easily give. I wish he knew that this was a true, unique and meaningful gift.

Yes, things can easily be spun back to him in pretty much any story over the last few years but I will stop doing that soon enough and give him as much thought as is returned.

I give my gratitude to all those things above and the strength to move on.

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June Challenge Day 4

1. Exercise – I got an hour and a half today. In such a fun way.

2. Water – Check… Both drinking and all over me from the rain.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down on thing that you need to forgive yourself for and then forgive yourself: It’s kind of funny. As I sit here I’m going through the Rolodex of mistakes that I’ve made in my life and there’s a lot of things that I need to forgive myself for. I’m weighing each one to see which has had the most effect on me and which I still think about a lot. Have I hurt someone else from my actions? Have I hurt myself by my actions? Has something stuck with me and maybe changed me in a bad way?

I think the one that I’m going to choose today is my ex, Stephen. He and I dated for three years and he’d fallen in love but I didn’t. He’d asked me to marry him and I’d said no but I’d always been honest with him about my feelings. I’d always thought we were just having fun. After a long breakup which lasted way past THE friend and I becoming friends again he’d tried to get back together a lot. He’d moved a couple times, started a business and went on a family vacation to Spain. One he’d asked me to go on after quite some times of trying to be just friends. While he was away he’d died in a car accident. I’d received a call from him Mom telling me the news.

I’d felt guilty for a long time because there was a great man who’d offered me everything I could need but it was nothing that I wanted, from him. There’s was so much that I felt like I never really wanted from a relationship and it wouldn’t be for years passed that I realized I did with someone else. So, I forgive myself for not loving him back and realize that it’s was all out of my control.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What food are you most grateful for? That’s a touch one. I’d probably say steak but I’m not sure. THE friends pancakes might actually make that list of top five now. But also on that list is the steamed artichoke from a local restaurant that my BFF always go to eat at. We have literally driven 30 miles out of our way just to go have the artichoke, a drink and then to a concert.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Who or what can’t you life without and why? My BFF for sure. She’s gotten me through almost every bad thing that’s happened in my life since we met and I hope that I’ve returned that favor as well. We’ve seen each other through boyfriends, breakups, drug addictions, medical problems and we are each others first priority but last resort. She might just be the one person in my life that I can always count on.

I had an amazing dog once that I thought I couldn’t live without. I’d always grown up around big dogs but I didn’t think it’d be fair to have a large dog in an apartment so I went with my old boss to get a dog for her and this little runt chihuahua kept follow me around. I’d always rolled my eyes at those tiny little things assuming they looked like rats and I had no desire to be like any socialite that carried her dog anywhere but he’d just wouldn’t stop following me.

Fast forward an hour and there I am driving back home with him little 3 lb self sitting next to me in my car. I’d named him Cosmo after the drink and instantly fell in love with this little guy. From the moment I’d brought him home though he was proving to be the runt of the litter. He was born with heart issues, eye problems and a luxated patella, in layman’s terms a trick knee. I’d spent thousands of dollars on him and he just kept ticking away.

He was amazing. He’d come to work with me. He’d travel to all the family gatherings and everyone loved him because even grown up he was only 5lbs but he acted like a big dog. He’s sense danger and walk his tiny little body in front of mine and woof like a big dog. He hated whistles, loved pupperoni and tolerated me putting sweaters on him because he was always cold.

After a great nine years I came home and he was going into heart failure. I drove to the emergency clinic and they rushed him in, even with a long line of people, so I knew it was serious. After a moment they took me into their “back room”. That was probably the worst I’ve ever cried. I’d made the decision to put him down without anyone there. It would be days before I’d even tell my BFF or my family that he’d died. My boss didn’t find out until almost six months later.

That’s just one of the many things in my life that I chose to handle emotionally by myself. But after that I realized that people and pets always leave. Some out of choice and some out of death. But after a while I knew that I would be ok without him. Maybe I should act as though I can’t live without more people in my life but history always repeats itself so I try NOT to get too close to anything. Maybe I should forgive myself for that? Maybe I should learn to let someone in. Maybe that should be a challenge I put myself up to.

So this became an emotional post out of accident and I didn’t even get to talk about my day. I hope you are all having a great weekend though. Learn from my mistakes. Tell someone that you’re close to that you love them, and maybe that they make your life better. It might be just what they need to hear today.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 24 (Wednesday)

1. One good thing: My workout tonight was the best part of my day.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, at an hour and 1 minute and you bet you ass I’m going to count that 1 minute.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: Yes. This is a preemptive yes right now.

I’m already thinking of my next “Challenge” for June. I’m thinking of maybe volunteering somewhere new, taking a new class or doing one thing that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please send them to me. I’ll probably keep the healthy stuff around but I’ve been able to accumulate some extra cash and therefore want to focus on something fun.

Maybe finding something enjoyable is what I need to distract me from the things that aren’t going to right in my life. You remember my five pillars of life? Family, finance, friends, career and love. Well lets take some stock… Family is mediocre. Finance is good. Friends are great. Career is good. Love is non-existent. šŸ˜¦ It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I could, like so many others get back on Tinder but I really only used it to pass the time. I’d get these guys that were just into hooking up and I’d practice my dirty talk then when they got too stalker-ish I’d block them. It was entertaining for about five minutes but it’s a desperation app for the classless people, in my opinion.

Meh, instead I will just continue to focus on myself and offer to everyone else great dating or relationships advice because, well, I don’t need it. Yes, I’m sounding a bit negative about the situation and it’s mainly just because I’m exhausted. Wondering what I should do, how I should be, who should I be with. I should just stop looking or caring but that seems impossible at times. I just don’t want it to be so exhausting anymore. That’s all.

This whole time I’ve been texting with my BFF some really great advice. I guess those who don’t date teach right? It’s not that I can’t date it’s that it’s just not that appealing to go out and find someone new who I don’t feel an automatic connection too and waste their time. So my options at this very moment are, date the ex, date a new guy, bitch and moan because the only one I WANT to be with is too interested in flirting with the rest of the city or just do me for a while and say screw everyone else? Right now, my BFF and I are talking about moving to another country because neither of us really have a reason to stay here. Maybe it is time for a total change of everything. I’m keeping that thought in the back of my mind to use when I really need it which feels like it might come very soon.

I haven’t really had a bad day but it has been very thought provoking. Maybe it’s time to consult the stars again… Just kidding they have lied so much to me about what my future is supposed to hold that it’s become a joke. I think I’m gonna go for another walk now to clear my head, maybe wish upon a star and get lost in some music instead of my own thoughts.

Nite x

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