It’s been a month since I’ve posted something and kept it on here. I’ve posted and written a lot of stuff but, for some reason, decided I didn’t want to keep it on here. My mind has been all over the place lately. There’s been a lot of stuff going on but when I think I want to write about it I, later, change my mind.
What I haven’t been doing lately is taking care of myself. I have been finding it necessary to take care of everyone else first. This was not supposed to be the case. I believe a few posts back I said that I was going to have a very selfish month. Apparently I don’t do selfish very well.
When I see people around me in pain, upset, hurt or lonely all I want to do is comfort them at any expense necessary. That’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure I’ve spent one day in the last month that was entirely for me. What I need is to get my hair done, my nails done and a nice massage. I will probably NOT get any of that done soon though.
My boss’s son is in the hospital. He came home for a few days then went back in. My boss and I are barely speaking because of a fight we got into so that’s been weird. My dad is still in the hospital but making it home Friday, I think. My crazy friend is having health issues and lastly, I haven’t seen my distraction for almost 4 weeks now.
So my boss and his son had a terrible accident happen and for the first week we were all just patiently waiting the results. He’s a tough kid. I love that kid so much and he’s seriously one of the strongest people I know. Seeing him in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes was heartbreaking but he made it through and quickly recovered yet went back in the hospital with complications. He’s strong though, as I said, and he will get through this.
One night, while my boss was dealing with many many emotions I’d gone to his house late to do some work. He, one of his closest friends and I sat talking. This was not a great idea as he’d been drinking and I was emotional as well and we just got into an argument about his ex-girlfriend. He said some really shitty things and even though I could have said something just as shitty or worse back at him I got up and just left without saying anything. I don’t argue to hurt someone. I try my damnedest to not hurt anyone around me. My worst offense is the silent treatment and I know that I need to stop doing that but when I’m hurt or upset or worried that’s what I do.
So within this silent treatment I ignored his “somewhat” apology and we only discuss work. Period. I’ve stop talking to his ex-girlfriend and have just moved on. I’m sure we will have a discussion at some point but as long as we’ve both got something to occupy our minds it’ll be a while because I’m a stubborn bitch.
You know, that’s one of the things they say about Aquarius’s is that we can be thinking about someone till it kills us but we still won’t pick up the phone, text or reach out what-so-ever. It’s a shitty habit we have and it’s not an excuse. I know I need to do better. There’s people that I think about all the time and just don’t say shit. It’s another one of my flaws I suppose.
I have been getting “fitter” by accident also. I’ve not been eating so I’m going to just blame that on “intermittent fasting”. Truth is by the time I’m done with my day I’ve realized that I just didn’t eat and most days don’t care to. I guess that’s what happens when you’re mind is busy worried all the time about everyone but yourself.
My dad, well he’s been in the hospital for almost 2 months now. That’s been a weird thing. I want him to come home as long as he’s ready and willing to work to keep himself healthy. My mom is his caretaker and he needs to treat her more kindly as well but that’s a conversation that my brother needs to have with him as we still don’t have very many conversations over 5 minutes. At least, if he’s home, my mom can stop worry so much and he’ll be comfortable.
My crazy friend with the health issues, she worries herself sick most of the time. I think that’s a flaw that a lot of people have but as soon as something is wrong around her she takes on that guilt or sadness or anger. These are all things that I try to tell her to let go of BUT I am a hypocrite.
I take on guilt and sadness and emotions from others that I have no business keeping. In some weird way I feel like if I take them then they don’t have to feel that anymore. I’m aware that is some flaw and maybe part of being an empath but it doesn’t help me any. At least I am admitting my faults. That’s the first step right?
My one distraction, as of late, was the drummer but as I said we’ve not seen each other in almost a month. The last time we did we had a good conversation and it was about how he wanted to have this “Private girlfriend” type of relationship with me which I was fine with, in fact, it’s what I’d written about on here not that long before and he talked about love again which I was getting more comfortable with and then poof… He’s gone.
The first couple weeks I’d explained his absence by saying maybe he realized what he said and now feels vulnerable. Then it was, “His kids are out of school” or “then this” or “then that”. Now that it’s been as long as it’s been I’ve just sadly written off the good things that he’d said and keep remembering “He’s just not that into you”. I know I’ve referenced this movie so many times but at the end of the day if a guy WANTS to see or talk to you he will. I’ve told him before that I would work around HIS schedule because he’s got more shit going on so… That’s where we are. No where. I guess it was fun while it lasted.
Truth here, I miss him. I miss him like I really didn’t think I would because we really haven’t spent that much time together. I just liked his energy and the way I felt around him. I will be sad and maybe for a while but this is why I kept my heart to myself. Hope for the best but expect the worst I guess. There’s always been a chance that he’d go back to his wife, find another girl now that he’s single or just want to stay out of anything emotional for a while. These are all the reasons I kept my walls down but my heart closed.
I’m going to see my Shaman friend on Sunday. Hopefully she’ll be able to tell me something good so I don’t feel so sad right now. Maybe she can cleanse my aura or unblock my bad luck at love. Maybe then I’ll find someone or I won’t feel so alone or something that doesn’t seem depressing. Who knows? He’s been my comfort for a couple months and it sucks to not have that. Even if it was only a couple times a month.
Every once in a while I think that it’s something that I’ve done. Like, I kept him too much of a secret or I don’t look pretty enough or I didn’t say “I love you” back. There’s a thousand and one things that go through a girls mind when a guy just stops wanting to see her. When he stops putting any effort out there and eventually I just have to give up the notion that it was “meant to be”. Because when things are meant to be they just happen and no one is left wondering what they did wrong.
So on top of everything that’s going on above and the fact that my comfort has disappeared I’m just in a blah, stuck place that I hate. I hate feeling sad, lonely, not good enough and not at peace. It sucks… That’s all I can say is that it sucks and that’s my reality these days. I’m just tired of being single I think. I know that I say that knowing that I’ve passed up so many good even great men in my life and this might be my karma. I wasn’t investing all my hopes and dreams on the drummer but I was thinking that I was comfortable for a while now and I wasn’t having to “search” for anything else. I guess I’m back to looking for something.
I hope that YOU are not where I am right now and that your life is awesome and joyful and peaceful. That is what I will be grateful for today if nothing else.